I tried committing suicide a month ago. Clearly, I failed. I go to therapy, know what I want to do with my life and people think I'm getting better but I still want to die.
And, someone very close to me keeps telling me trying to kill myself was/is pathetic. Is it? Is it really pathetic? It doesn't feel very pathetic... but what the hell do I know.
I am against the mentality that those who commit suicide are "weak" in every sense.
People have limits, limits to their happiness, physical strength, mental strength and their sanity. When a person commits suicide it is because they have been pushed past their limit. They require help, not scolding. Because at the end of the day, you can be as much as a bad ass as you want but you still have limits, because everyone does. Thus everyone has the capacity to commit suicide, if they are pushed past that limit.
They are victims to the adversity of life.
People have limits to their mind in the same way weight lifters have limits to how much weight their bones will allow them to lift. Suicide is not a way out for weak people, because even strong individuals are capable of it, if pushed past their limit.
That said, please continue to see your councillor. You're stronger than you think and mental illnesses can be managed and even conquered.
I'm not sure if you're asking for advice, wanting to just vent or looking for someone to relate to. But I'll try regardless.
I... cringed reading this because it's something I understand more than I wish I did. It's a topic I'm incredibly uncomfortable with discussing and, recently, had to face again due to certain circumstances. But even though it pains me some to speak of it, I think it'll be worthwhile if it can help you, if even in a small way.
I've experience with this both first and second-hand. I've lost friends to suicide. It was painful to say the least. I've talked and helped friends during moments of suicidal thoughts. It was heavy and terrifying, but more importantly than anything I knew they needed support and love. It's absolutely vital that you keep yourself with people who love you (your friend telling you it's "pathetic" needs to know that is NOT how you deal with this; beating down someone who is already feeling incredibly low is detrimental to the person who is suffering, and in this case, suicidal thoughts is NOT something you wanna tamper with like it's something you can just sweep under a rug).
First-hand... uh. Well okay. I ain't no doc'. I've no training in this sort of thing to help people. I HAVE helped people through this, but it was based entirely upon my own experiences, using what I felt I should've had at a period in my life when I was at my lowest. So if you're prepared to listen to me based on that, alright then. I just wanted to be honest in what I share here.
There was a period in my life where I thought often on suicide; I had spent the bulk of my childhood/teen years playing mother to a household so I didn't understand what I was supposed to be--an adult, a child, a teenager. Then I was constantly being told by friends there was something -wrong- with me because I didn't go out on dates with boys often, and uh, boys were terrified of me because, I'm told, I'm a liiittle bit forward in my nature >.> The biggest thing, though, was an experience I went through where a man tried to have his way with me, and when I wouldn't give in, he beat me instead (I was 13 at the time). After all this, the thought of just escaping everything weighed heavily on my mind often, and there was an attempt at one point that my best friend intervened and stopped before I, well, yeah. I'd prob not be here today if it weren't for her.
How did I get through it... I focused on small, daily goals. Like, I'd wake up in the morning and give myself something to focus on, aim to achieve. I started small, worked my way up over time. I talked about it with my best friend. I understood, though, that she didn't have the means to give me some sort of super-awesome sagely advice, but talking about it and having someone listen meant the world to me. It reminded me I was loved. It took me a while to understand that I was making this all about me, but when I did get it, I tried to focus on helping others--small things first, but it reminded me there was more to life than focusing on my own pain.
This all happened from 13 - 19. It's still something I struggle with today, but not as bad as it used to be, and most definitely not as frequent. It's great that you're already in therapy, like I'm honestly proud you've taken that step. Good for you. Keep it up. It isn't something that can be conquered overnight, and even with therapy it's gonna be hard, but it is manageable and you're taking steps to deal with that.
I strongly encourage you to stick with people who love and support you. Make small goals at the start of the day. Carry on with therapy. I know this is difficult to see now, but with every experience comes wisdom and knowledge you can share, and the more severe the experience, the greater that wisdom will be so long as you recognise that lesson. I really do believe later on in life you're gonna be able to help people who may struggle with something similar, and your story can inspire them to pick up and keep going. I truly believe with all my heart that those with the most pressing burdens are the ones who can become the most inspiring people once they taken in life's lessons and share it.
But for now, focus on moving slowly, but forward. I don't mean to sound overly optimistic, but I really do want this for you. Because every life is precious, every experience is worthwhile, and even if you don't see it at the time, it's worth sticking around to find out why.
You are not pathetic for feeling that way at all. I think it's kind of lousy that someone close to you would say that. But if they really care about you, maybe it's said out of frustration and anger over the fact that you wanted to take your own life. Sometimes, loved ones don't know how to cope with situations in which they aren't in control when a loved one is suffering. Because they don't have that control, they attack the one they care about most - when they really want to attack the issue causing the one they love pain.
Like I said, and I think it's important to reiterate - you are not pathetic for feeling this way. Life isn't easy at all, and some people have a harder time coping with it than others. I think more people than we think have thoughts of suicide from time to time. Who among us hasn't felt so fed up with life at times that we think, "I wish I could just die. It would be so much easier to escape this." Unfortunately, some (like yourself) have a more difficult time dealing with life's crap and attempt to act on these thoughts.
Personally speaking, when I am extremely overwhelmed, I've found myself wishing for an "escape" from life's crap. But no matter how down I feel, I've never seriously entertained the idea because my faith in God keeps me in control. I believe God is horribly pained over the idea of suicide because He gave us life and He is the one to decide when it ends; He is our father and it hurts Him to see His children take their own lives as our own parents would be beyond distraught to see us commit suicide. Also, the fear of where I'd end up after this world is something else that plays an important role. I can't see God allowing people who commit suicide to go to hell, but I really have no way of knowing this for sure. And the idea of going to such a horrible place and never getting to see my loved ones again is very upsetting to me, and in the long run that notion is far more horrible than the challenges life throws in my path.
I'm not sure where you stand on your beliefs/spirituality, but if you believe in that sort of thing, I'd suggest delving deeper and developing your faith even further. If you truly believe that type of thing with your heart, I find it's very helpful in providing strength during times of struggle in life.
Also, please continue to seek help with therapy. Has your therapist talked to you about the possibility of antidepressants to help with the thoughts you are having? I don't believe in going straight to relying solely on medication automatically to help fix emotional problems, but sometimes they can really be helpful - especially in conjunction with emotional therapy.
I really hope you find happiness and peace in your life. Please feel free to continue asking for advice here as much as you need.
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The World is closed by the walls
The birds are the only creatures allowed to fly beyond the walls
The birds are known for delivering forgotten dreams
Suicide attempts are most common after the peak of the depression. Normally a restless energy starts before you actually start feeling better.
Some people idealize suicide as something that the people had to do because they'd never be happy again. Rarely is this the case. If you're facing a life sentence in prison or dying of AIDS it might be more understandable but most situations that people commit suicide over caused from black or white thinking.
Events or situations are normally not end alls, states of mind are normally treatable. Talk to people and be fully open about your situation.