Dealing with Social Anxiety

So, I don't know why it took me 21 years to realize this, but I have really bad social anxiety.

It came to a head a couple days ago when I was at a networking dinner for work. We were asked to go around the circle and introduce ourselves. Simple enough, right? Everyone was smiling and introducing themselves very confidently, and when it was my turn, I just couldn't look anyone in the eye. All I did was sit there, stare at the center of the table and mumble my name out while avoiding all eye contact. Afterwards I spent the entire dinner feeling extremely self conscious of myself and wondering what everyone thought of me.

Normally I'm not like that. I act perfectly normal (I think, anyways) around my peers, friends, and family. But whenever I'm in a situation where I'm thrown into the spotlight (at a networking dinner, or meeting new people at work, or making a presentation) I start to get these anxiety attacks. Like, it feels like the muscles in my face freeze up and no matter how hard I try, I can't smile. When I'm in that state I probably look like I have a bad toothache. And of course I probably look really stupid to whoever I'm talking to and then I spend the rest of the day kicking myself over it.

I tried to talk with my mom about it, but she basically just told me I needed to go out and "practice" more. Which is bogus, because I've been like this all my life, and if it were a simple matter of "practice" you'd think I'd be over it after 21 years. And it doesn't happen all the time. It only happens in the specific situations I mentioned above. Whenever I get these anxiety attacks it's like a biological reaction - I can't smile, my mouth gets really dry, I literally can't stop it from happening, even though in my mind I know it's completely irrational.

So does anyone else on ZU have social anxiety (even if it's not as bad as mine?) I'd love to hear your experiences with it and any tips you may have for fighting it.

Social and other anxieties are a pain to deal with when you have them. I myself am rather shy so it's hard for me to talk in large groups of people. There are multiple ways to deal with anxiety that you can learn by going to therapy (if you feel like it), but there are also some things you can do yourself to help you overcome a bit of the anxiety.

One way you can begin to try to relieve some of the anxiety is to rehearse what you're going to say in your head, and imagine doing it in front of a group. This mental practice is useful as you do not have to be in front of a real group, yet you can imagine doing it just the same. This always helps me if I'm in an introduction circle and it's slowly coming around to my turn, or if I'm trying to get over anxiety for an upcoming interview.

Another thing that helps is noticing how your body reacts and trying to use some relaxation techniques in the situation. Again, when I'm in an introduction circle my heart begins to race a bit, but that let's me know I need to take a few calming breaths. You might also have an inner mental phrase that helps you calm down when breathing such as "safe" when you breathe in and "calm" when you breathe out. Of course, everyone is different and different words and techniques work for different people.

Hope this helps.

Acclimation to stressors like that is actually a common treatment for social and other phobias, so, actually, your mom is more correct than you realized.

Try what Chocolate Tampon (seriously, what kind of name is that?) said, and just try to realize that there's nothing to be anxious about. If it doesn't get better or if you feel like it's seriously detrimental, see a psychiatrist.

But, it sounds like normal anxiety to me, and a little practice actually will help in your case.

Thanks both of you for your replies.

@Chocolate: Pairing a mental "phrase" with your actions sounds kind of interesting. I also agree that being able to "rehearse" helps a lot, but usually my problems occur when I have to do this stuff impromptu, i.e. without prior warning. Ironically I do fine in job interviews because I have time to prepare and compose myself.

@pawptart: With respect, I'm not completely buying into the "acclimation" thing. This is something I deal with fairly often (not every day, but rarely do I make it through a week without thinking "Man, I really must have looked stupid there" or "I can't believe I did that") and I still can't see much improvement. But I will still continue to practice, of course...

Thanks again for posting

You're not the only one no.....

I would have to guess you need to learn how to deal with that kind of spontaneous situation. I guess you hesitate so much that you end up overthinking it, thus making the fear grow.
Actually, I've always battled this kinda thing and it's gotten better. I've noticed that it's easier when you feel the people who you have to face are actually on your side. You're usually the one that cares the most, and if someone else cares that much about your behaviour then that's their problem, honestly. Perhaps your anxiety comes from a type of mistrusting feeling, like you've already assumed that they won't like you or you just assume strangers are overall "bad" people.
Do you feel like everyone has to like you - if so why? Are you a people-pleaser?

I tend to kinda analyze things like that, like peeling off layers to get closer to the root of the problem.

I doubt there is an easy answer..... my guess is that it boils down to insecurity and in which case you will have to "train" the brain to cope like your mom said

Originally Posted by Falls-44

I tried to talk with my mom about it, but she basically just told me I needed to go out and "practice" more. Which is bogus, because I've been like this all my life, and if it were a simple matter of "practice" you'd think I'd be over it after 21 years.

Honestly, I think she has the right idea, it sounds like you don't get the point. There's a difference between just going out and doing stuff, and actually practicing. It sounds to me like you consider the "just going out and doing something" part practice. If that's the case, why aren't most people over the age of 50 professional drivers? They've been driving basically all their life, after all! Even though they drive constantly, they don't practice driving constantly.

When someone says practice, they mean taking specific deliberate steps to improvement; in other words, focused effort. Just being around people all your life doesn't count as social practice, you need to actually make an effort to speak to people, and analyze what went wrong with the conversation, try and think of ways you could change the bad parts for the better, then put those ideas to the test and repeat the cycle until your skills are at a level you're happy with.

I just want to say as a side note that I do understand how you feel. I also have trouble in some social situations. While I'm fine in a group of people I'm familiar with, or if someone comes up to me and starts the conversation, if it's me that has to initiate for whatever reason then I lock up and get all nervous and don't know what to say for like no reason, even if I prepared beforehand. However I've been seeing a counsellor and she's helped me understand why this stuff happens to me, so I've been slowly improving. It might be worth your while to see a counsellor yourself, although my personal recommendation would be to focus on experimenting in social situations first and see if that works out for you, as I've found that fixing this kind of problem is relatively straightforward as long as you have your bearings.

Originally Posted by WillZ4E

I guess you hesitate so much that you end up overthinking it, thus making the fear grow.

I tend to kinda analyze things like that, like peeling off layers to get closer to the root of the problem.

I think that's probably a big part of it. Before, during, and after, I will spend a lot of time analyzing "what could have possible what went wrong," "what the other person thought," "how I must have appeared," etc etc... Which I should probably not care so much about, but for some reason I can't let it go, and I end up just brooding over those questions for hours or even days at a time.

Originally Posted by e_alert

When someone says practice, they mean taking specific deliberate steps to improvement; in other words, focused effort. Just being around people all your life doesn't count as social practice, you need to actually make an effort to speak to people, and analyze what went wrong with the conversation, try and think of ways you could change the bad parts for the better, then put those ideas to the test and repeat the cycle until your skills are at a level you're happy with.

When you put it that way, it does make a lot more sense... I guess I'm just frustrated because I never seem to be making any improvements. Like, I've done a million go-around-the-circle-and-introduce-yourself icebreakers, and I still always suck at those...

Thanks again for your replies I actually feel a lot better writing all of this out and talking with people about it, rather than keeping all of it bottled up inside.

Hi, George washington!
Well, I know how you feel in some regard. I have struggled with a bit of social anxiety myself. Interestingly enough, I actually was a radio personality for about4 years, so I found myself in social situations a LOT. It was nerve wracking at first. Being in a studio with a mic is one thing, but there were public appearances, interviews, meetings, etc in which I had to be "Maggie Scott the professional".

I think what it boils down to is that you are a "real person," who likes to genuinely interact casually and naturally with people, but the moment the situation becomes official/professional/focused on your outward presence, you are suddenly in uncharted territory and feeling exposed and vulnerable.

After about 9 months in radio and shaking a zillion hands, introducing myself a zillion times, my professional interactions started to feel almost as natural as my "real" ones. We can have 2 personas- public and private. You just seem to have a lack of experience with the public part.

When you think about it, it's a very superficial interaction to say your name and a bit about you. It smacks of corporate kitsch. But most of us have to face it at some point. What I'm getting at is the fact that I was forced to "practice" my superficial social interactions on a near daily basis, so it became easier to me. You are not a public figure like I was so you need to put yourself into practice situations.

At the end of the day remember this- you are not the only person in that circle who's slowly panicking as the pleasantries go around. You seem to have a normal level of social anxiety, and the longer you stay in the professional field, the easier it will get. Meanwhile, practice those relaxation and focus techniques people have previously talked about. You'll be fine!

George Washington (lol), I know exactly what you're talking about. I myself have very similar social anxiety attacks as you, the only difference with mine is that I stutter/block before I say my name every time (Brett). I anticipate saying my name, I get nervous, because every time I KNOW I always have like a 2 second pause before I say my name. I've always stuttered since I was younger, and going through elementary school and high school has been tough with it, especially when you get teased about it or picked on. So this really coincides with my social anxiety, or plays as a contributing factor.

Techniques, ideas I have learned to over come this, is to honestly, remain calm, don't even think about the situation you're in, and just let it happen naturally. You see, the more I think about saying my name before I actually do it, the more nervous I get, so when I actually go and introduce myself, it is just a wreck. A few times where I have just forgotten that the fact I stutter/have social anxiety, I can introduce myself no problem, with ease, no stutter, with confidence. It is amazing what you can do when you can convince yourself mentally that you can do it.

Other techniques I try are simple breathing deeply, and calming my state of mind and relaxing my muscles (tension around my mouth when I pronounce the "B" sound). Stay calm, relax your body, forget the fact that you even have social anxiety, put on a fake smile or smile genuinely, and just let it happen naturally.

Like one of my good aussy friends said to me when I was in Australia, "Confidence is the key, mate!"

And I couldn't agree more.

Didn't you take a speech class in college? They teach you how to deal with that stuff.

Originally Posted by Mafoofoo

Didn't you take a speech class in college? They teach you how to deal with that stuff.

Nope I did not. Haven't gone to college. Finished high school, and just been working since then.

I have seen other speech therapists though, and have been very helpful.