(NSFW - no kids) The sages got naked - The hot and steamy truth about the Seal War!

Pictured from left to right:
Ruto, Nabooru, Impa, Zelda, Rauru, Saria, Darunia

This is just a theory so don't take it so seriously, but if you don't remember the sages in OoT...


+Zelda

They look a little something like this.

So why does official material, such as in the ALttP intro, depict them in sage's clothing similar to Rauru? Even Hyrule Historia acknowledges this depiction as fact rather than fiction, putting it as events that directly happen after Link's defeat in Ocarina of Time. This means that at one point, the sages in Ocarina of Time had to get dressed up. Maybe there is some type of sacred value to wearing the robes, but who gives a ♥♥♥♥. This means that...

The sages got butt naked and changed into different clothes.

What does this imply? Well, it's not that big of a shocker. Link gets naked too off screen when you change his clothes, and he doesn't give a ♥♥♥♥, so it's not like they're the only ones who do this. However this implies that they're one of the few NPCs in the series that have canonically changed clothes in the series. However the implications are not short of deviancy and secrets...

The maidens from ALttP, who are also in FSA, are said to be the descendants of these very sages. However, how can one determine that they're the direct descendants of these sages? Couldn't there have been multiple direct descendants? Why does every sage have a direct bloodline to this maiden? Makes no sense! Unless...they did regulate their bloodlines.

So I propose this: When the sages got naked, in the middle of this terrible war, they all had a massive orgy so they could all experience sex for the first time/have sex one last time just in case they die. They did this right before they sealed Ganon, and when Ganon's miasma came to Hyrule Castle Rauru said, "QUICK! PUT ON THESE ROBES BEFORE THE GUARDS OPEN THE DOOR!" Doing so, they became traditional sages.

All-out, full-blown, orgy. However who was the alpha-male?


Rauru is a ghost so he only has a ghost dick, meaning he
can't have sexual intercourse. He watches and masturbates.


Darunia is a dedicated father of one, and opposes the idea.

Neither of these have the gall to really accept, even if they were forced into it. So who does? Maybe, the alpha-female....


Zelda has her own royal lineage to deal with, and she's probably too afraid
to have sexual intercourse with other species due to sheltered upbringing.


Impa, like Zelda, has her own lineage to deal with.
However, she's a bit more open to the idea.


Ruto has no real experience with sexual intercourse, and
blushes at the idea. Her dream man was always Link.


Nabooru already made a promise to Link that she'd have sex with him,
and has no interest in weak-willed men such as Darunia and Rauru.
But she accepts cause she's horny anyway.

Which leaves...

SARIA


Saria, being the oldest of the group next to Rauru, proposes the idea that they
have sexual intercourse before they potentially die at the hands of Ganon.

Virgins: Rauru, Ruto, Zelda
Non-virgins: Saria, Darunia, Nabooru, Impa

Saria proposed this, Darunia and Zelda refused and Rauru couldn't do anything so it's like, whatever. They discussed it, and eventually with the combined power of Saria, Ruto, Impa, and Nabooru they attacked both Darunia and Zelda in an orgy that the gods even turned their heads to. On that day, both Ruto and Zelda lost their virginity, and it was glorious.

Darunia's seed was distributed amongst every female, causing hybrid Goron/Human children. These hybrid Goron/Human children became...

I am okay with this.

Jackie Chan is NOT a reponse

---------- Post added at 10:08 PM ---------- Previous post was at 10:02 PM ----------

Btw I hope this isn't too dirty for Zelda section

If we have to move it to the Serious board I'm okay with that

---------- Post added at 11:15 PM ---------- Previous post was at 11:08 PM ----------

Man I'm not sure if I should lock this or what.

Sure, it's inappropriate, but still.... this is too funny to lock.

...I'll give it 3o mins.

If a thread about Tetra-force can be freely open I don't see why this one can't.

Besides NSFW warning, but no actual NSFW content...unless you can read. No one reads first post anymore.

I have no idea what's going on.

Pinnacle of Zelda Theorizing.
Right up there with hylian dan.

this is the best thing ever

I never realised how veiny Darunia is until now. Here I always thought that Gorons were made of some sort of rock. They obviously have blood flow, this leads to credit to the OP theory.

YES

Um...... Well this is certainly is a unique theory....

You know the scary thing is, what if this was Nintendo's answer for the maidens. Nintendo would be trolling us hard if this was put in another Hyrule Historia.

I like it, make it happen!

Wait, I thought this was common knowledge.

People are agreeing.

Man all these joke images. This is a serious topic of discussion!

I will have to remember this thread the next time I need to find good images of all the sages in one spot.

Oh, and WTF??

But yes, it's all true.

EDIT
Question: What does NSFW mean? Because without any context I'm forced to believe it means Naughty Sages Effing Wildly... XD

No, seriously.

Originally Posted by Hero of Geeks

I will have to remember this thread the next time I need to find good images of all the sages in one spot.

Oh, and WTF??

But yes, it's all true.

EDIT
Question: What does NSFW mean? Because without any context I'm forced to believe it means Naughty Sages Effing Wildly... XD

No, seriously.

Not Safe For Work