[Fanfiction] [Com] LOZ: The Timeline Wars [T]

The Legend of Zelda: The Timeline Wars


CREATION STORY

Narrator: “The Book of Mudora depicts many ancient truths, handed down through generations. As one would expect of Holy Manuscripts, it was first orally transmitted thousands of times and memorized by all the Hylians who didn’t know what the hell they were getting into because they couldn’t choose a career until they were stuck with it.”

“When paper was invented, alongside crude doodled pornography, the first copy of Mudora was painstakingly written. Central to the infallible legends of Mudora is the story of the Trinity of Hyrule, the Three Goddesses. Or the single Goddess, if you’re a Unitarian. The Goddesses, singular or plural, descended upon the vast and dingy darkness during the middle of a philosophical discussion of the nature of immortality...This scene of the myth has generated quite a bit of speculation as to how it actually happened. One of the textual passages regarded by scholars as a true-to-life retelling is the Book of Adole’scea, found in a bottle trapped beneath a rock in Zora River. A quote from the passage is listed below.”

[Cut to three golden-skinned beings in cosmic footsie pajamas]

Din: “You know...I don’t think Derek is into you, Farore.”

Farore: [goes red] WHAT?! I m-mean...I know I’m not what you’d call a Beatific Vision, but I mean I think he gives me a look now and then...

Din: [twiddles golden fingers] I dunno...He seemed a little preoccupied when we saw him last...

Farore:[stands up, hands at her sides] What do you mean?!

Nayru: [compares breast sizes with the others as she speaks] Din, you wouldn’t hypothetically want to try and whore your way in between Farore and Derek just for the sake of it, would you?

Din: Hypothetically, it depends if Derek is still the hot piece of arse he was three millenia ago...

Farore: Well, you know how it goes...Sometimes with guys, you just have to hit it and quit it. I dated this one guy, he was cute, but after he got these weird piercings on his palms and feet...It was gross. And he hung out with his friends all night, getting toasted on wine and bread, only to come home with splinters and bruises... I stopped answering his summons and that was that. It dwindled into nothing, and I died a little inside. But that’s the price to pay for decency. Christ, you'd think he'd have been more stable.

[Return To Narrator]

Narrator: [sips from a cup] And so, it begs the question: just how much of the tales are true? What if the Goddesses are really men? What if Din was one of us, just a slob like one of us? Instead of a tyrannical whore, that is. According to the Book of Regrets, she once slept with a chicken...Though this is unsubstantiated.

You are a horrible, horrible, amazing person. Don't stop.

Unsubstantiated my ass ;D

More, please.

LOZ: The Timeline Wars
Episode II
Bellah Meets Fairy Ex Machina


It sure is odd living here on Lon Lon Ranch, but I am trying to get used to it. Mister Talon works me very hard, but I have picked up from my lazier ways I got from my parents, who were apparently “liberal meatheads.” Mister Talon is such a good man, he’s pushing me harder than ever to work like a good farmhand. I don’t even cry when he hits me now!

It is a little easier living with Malon, though, despite the hangups. She is very competitive about boys, especially about the blonde kid in green who comes and visits sometimes. I think his name is Aaron Carter. He doesn’t say much, but he must be snobby. Malon is so worried I’ll embarrass her that whenever he arrives she makes me hide in the windmill or in a dirty trough.

I don’t really get what the appeal is, I really don’t.

Sometimes I want to go back to my old home, but it’s just a faint dream. After all, I can’t remember anything about Lah Lah Ranch except what Mister Talon told me, that it was “set ablaze to all tarnation by a gang of ninjas and their flaming arrows,” leaving no survivors but myself. I sometimes wonder if my father really WAS a communist pipe-layer who was fully deserving of his demise, and I once questioned Talon if he wasn’t just being mean. After he admonished me, I picked myself up off the floor and spit out my loose tooth to give to the fairy that night.

I can still remember that fairy’s arrival so well...The sky was dark, like most nights are. It was raining, as a storm front had stolen life from the day before setting in. I could smell some of the cuccos outside being cooked by the lightning, since we never did build a pen to protect them from the harsh realities of Hyrule Field. We tried to get Ingo to tack one together, but he’s too busy trying to usurp Mister Talon’s position of power. That, and cleaning up after the cuccos.

The fairy arrived in a ball of flame, and for a minute I was afraid it was a ninja’s arrow. But then I realized a ninja wouldn’t try to shoot fire arrows in the rain. At that moment I was certain it was a fairy, so I put down my knife and other combat gear and waited for the sweet creature to come talk to me. It floated in at a dainty pace, and looked around my room with all due respect.

“So...Why are you sleeping in your closet?”

“Oh? No, this isn’t MY closet. This is Malon’s closet. I sleep here because she had enough room for me once she got rid of her Little Moo-Moo Breeder playset.”

“Ah. Okay, well,” said the fairy, “I guess I’ll be taking your tooth then. Hand it over, hmm?”

“Okay,” I told her, handing the chipped tooth to the part of the light orb that seemed most likely to be a hand. She took it, and pulled what appeared to be a large lens out of her Inventory Cavity. I politely looked away until she had it out, and then she inspected the tooth carefully.

“Hmm...Seems about right...Could have used more cleaning...But yes. Good. You get a Silver Rupee for your troubles. Here you--”

“Wait,” I told her. “Don’t hand it to me, I don’t want the Item Get tune to wake up the whole house. Slide it under my bed, please.” And she did. It was strange seeing her there, so after she finished stowing away my reward, I began to ask her things.

“Where do fairies come from?” I had never known, so I thought it pertinent to ask.

“Well, when two androgynous balls of light love each other, very much...”

“Alright, that's enough...Have you ever been to Kakariko Village? Malon said she goes there to pick up fresh cuccos. It sounds like a lovely place, but I'm never allowed to go.”

“Ah, yes. But my travel agent warned me that there’s a lot of bad stuff happening there. Apparently the graveyard is experiencing technical difficulties, the windmill has broken loose and is on a violent spree. But overall, lovely place to stay if you don’t need the bustle of Castletown.”

“Oh, wow. That’s so exciting...” I was so sick for adventure I could feel my heart racing at the thought of it all. I think the fairy could tell, because she started acting strange.

“Well...If you ever get tired of living here...I know a way out if you’re interested.”

I listened long and hard, and sometimes even both.

TO BE CONTINUED...

LOZ: The Timeline Wars
EPISODE III:
Under Arrest

“GET UP, DAMN IT! BAWWWW!” Talon kicked the closet door multiple times, and with each strike he was, as he felt, that much closer to returning this girl to sender. Well, he would have already, had he any stamps left, but besides that her parents were dead. That made things much harder to deal with.

“I’m up! I’m up!” She rubbed sleep from her eyes groggily, and then went to the bathroom to prepare herself for the day’s work. She used Malon’s old perfume to wash the stink out of her only pair of clothes, and washed her hair. She used one of the cow brushes to get all of the rough places, like the thick hair in her pits.

Talon, finally satisfied, put down his nail-laden wooden board and walked outside. It was a sunny day, and all of the cuccos were carrying on like car alarms. If one went off, the rest were soon to follow, and this resulted in a near-infinite loop. This is why Ingo would always carry a pitchfork around, and why most people refer to him as a necessary evil.

“Hello there Ingo! Keeping the Ranch in good order?” Talon was in good humor today.

Ingo’s moustache wiggled. “Yes, yes.” He stabbed a few cuccos in an offhand fashion before remembering something. “Talon...I don’t think we should accept any messengers. I heard rumors of another ninja attack today. You know how they are. They could be anywhere, look like anyone...” His eyes widened. “They could already be here, infiltrating our midst like some kind of bodysnatching sasquatch...”

Bellah walked out of the house with a pail in her hand. “I’m going to go wash the Barn of Secrets, I’ll be right back for the milking!” She skipped off merrily, and the two men watched her. Talon’s heart sank. Ingo’s moustache jittered nervously.

“There’s no way she’s a ninja. Ninjas KILLED her parents. That’s the opposite of what one would expect to happen! Physically impossible!”

“You don’t think it’s odd that she survived a ninja attack?”

“Well, someone would have to or we’d never know they happened. Aside from the origami they leave behind, of course.”

“Yes, but you see my point.”

“I’m afraid I do, Ingo. But unless you want outhouse duties again, that’s a liability I’m willing to take. Sometimes you need to let ninjas be ninjas. Also, ever thought of shaving that thing? I think I see lice.”

“Well, if my ‘stache has lice, I got it from your hairy arms!”

“What did you say to me, Waluigi?!”

“My name is INGO! INGO STARR!”

“Wahhhhh-LUIGI!”

Ingo would cry bitter tears over this tonight, as he was very sensitive about his birth name, which he hated. As one would expect, the two proceeded to punch and swear at each other for three hours, which translates into Hyrule time as half the day. No work was accomplished, and the two quarrelsome men proceeded to not talk to each other for the rest of the month, which was to say, about a week.


*****

Halfway through that week of silence, another visitor came to Lon Lon Ranch. He was a knight atop a fine horse, not of Lon Lon stock but of who knew where. When he saw a cucco he opened the scroll that was tied to his waist and began to read.

“Hear ye! The Kingdom of Hyrule is now offering savages from the mountainous region as workers for Hylian men! Good workers, smarter than most animals!”

The cucco was insulted, and was about to interject but was kicked aside by Talon. “Wuzzat? Savages? How many rupees are we tawkin’ here, boy?” He scratched his arm hair with a definite gleam in his eye. Maybe the atheists were wrong. Perhaps the Goddesses were watching over him.

“About 50 rupees for a whole one, sir. We found the savages trying to eat the foundation of Hyrule Castle. They’re slow, sure enough, but they can work.”

“Heh. That sounds about fair, rightly enough.”

The knight got off his (admittedly high) horse and picked something off of the ground. “But sir, I’m going to have to ask you to hand me that cucco of yours.”

“Why?”

“Look at this feather. It’s turning blue. Counterfeits are not acceptable. We’ll need to trace this one. Do you have a receipt? If so, we can find the original seller, and take this situation out of your life.”

Talon did not. He picked a few more feathers off of the cucco just to check. Sure enough, they all turned blue.

"Don't reckon I do." His gravelly voice sounded defeated.

“In that case, sir...We’re going to have to take you in for questioning.”

Narrator: In Hyrule, trafficking stained cuccos is a crime that is prosecuted to the full extent of the law, because blue cuccos produce less meat and eggs, so painting them another color is fraud.

[unfurls paper]

The receipt I "found" here, while we're examining the legal system, says that the seller is a Miss Virginia Ginger, who owns a pack of cuccos in Kakariko Village, and spends most of her time talking to them. Coincidentally, she has never been laid.

Episode III was definitely a step above Episode II. We already talked about what you need to fix up in Episode II to make it better. I definitely want to see more of what you did in I and III. :3

No...no, I really don't think you can outdo the first episode. Though I'd be pleasantly surprised were I wrong. Still, I agree with Veyrael. Miles ahead of the previous installment. Keep it up, and make sure you're clean next time!

I'll agree that the third chapter is better than the second, though I've enjoyed all three. I think that knowing you somehow makes it funnier. Random, unexpected comments like this:

Originally Posted by Dead Zealot

She used one of the cow brushes to get all of the rough places, like the thick hair in her pits.

really crack me up.

Also, the more Zelda references, the better! You take things that are already mildly funny or absurd (such as "Hyrule Time" or the Oocca) and elaborate on them, making them hilarious.

Keep it up. :]

Episode one was okay, but didn't really tickle me as much as episode three, with the whole ninja discussion and the Waluigi argument. The best part of episode two was the Item Get tune. More things like this I think is the best way to go.

Very, very nice. Good style, and kept me giggling all the way through. Keep it up!

The Legend of Zelda: The Timeline Wars
Episode IV: Shuck That Corn

After the knight went through the procedure of cuffing, searching, and uncomfortably sodomizing Talon with a standard deku nightstick, he and his captive went on their way, leaving Ingo in charge of the Ranch with two pubescent young girls at his beck and call. That was, for now.

When she knew her foster father was gone, Bellah rubbed her hands together with a glee that was only rivalled by the time she learned that Malon had a tendency to wet the bed whenever she dipped the sleeping girl’s hand into a bowl of warm water.

This was the last day she would sleep in a closet, or mop a floor with her long brown hair to keep from soiling the good brushes!

Her bare and callused feet snuck as well as they were able to the stables, past the veal creation crates and milking equipment to the horses. She had seen Ingo go up to his room to shuck some corn (as he called it) and she knew he could be up there doing that for about ten in-game hours, or even more if Malon or one of the other livestock had volunteered to help him. She had all the time she needed to get Happy and get out.

Happy was so-named because he was the most cheerful horse at Lon Lon Ranch, mainly because he received a special gift from the Gods: an extra magical chromosome. This chromosome gave him spiritual insight, such as fasting because he couldn’t find his way to the food trough. Today he was especially cheerful, and kept nipping Bellah in the arse whenever she turned away from him.

“Happy, you’d better STOP, or no more carrots for you.”

He neighed dismissively as his hoof flipped another page of Seabiscuit, his favorite piece of literature. Later in life he would be renowned in the land of Hyrule for his many slash and lemon writings, but as for now he was merely a horse with moderate retardation. What a way to live.

When he was properly saddled, Bellah led him away from his light reading and out towards the outmost gate of Lon Lon. It was locked tight, but that was what she expected. Shaking slightly with mirth, she withdrew a hollow thing from her pocket and began to blow. It was a potato filled with holes, and when she blew on one end, it created a lovely sound, like a banshee gargling mouthwash while being stabbed to death.

That was when the cuccos freaked the flipping **** out. They fluttered and flapped crowing to everyone in three hundred miles that something was wrong, and not only was it wrong, but it had to be killed with fire.

Bellah froze. How stupid was she? The cuccos were having their post-noon nap-- their fourth most integral sleeping time! They would never shut up now. The implacable creatures ran left and right, scattering dust with their little feet. If the fairy didn’t arrive soon, Ingo would ruin everything.

She put her hands over her face, feeling herself begin to fall apart.

Narrator: And she was right. If Ingo showed up too soon, he'd probably yell a little, and then send her to bed. And in the morning, come breakfast time, Ingo would forbid her from blowing on her biscuits, which were always too hot. Then, he'd likely brag about how much bigger his mustache is than hers, and laugh, and tease her some more.

I'm not going to lie to you. That would piss me off if that happened.

HAH! A horse with mild retardation is just an epic win. But did Talon really have to be sodomized with a deku stick? He's just an abusive uncle character, not a bad guy at all. Hilarious and I look forward to reading more.

This hasn't been upated.

I am sad.

Haha, I'm sorry. I've been very distracted. But I will work on it soon, don't you doubt it!

Gah. I totally left this un-updated for forever. This isn't good, so I will offer a nugget for the readers who are still interested! I know this isn't spectacular but it's something until I do a more thought out episode.

EDIT: I decided this was NOT well thought out enough and it is about to go through the editing process. Overnight I will have it ready for a decent presentation.

EPISODE V: Fairy Flight

Bellah was on the verge of crying when the lights began to shine over the horizon of darkness. They outglowed the moon and they were perniciously wild in their movements, erratic, like stars gone mad. This alone stopped her tears, because the cuccos immediately fell very silent.

From the rear of the gaggle of the birds, though, there was action. A cucco, a red cucco with bald spots breaking the smooth symmetry of feathers had stepped forward, toward the field where the lights were descending.

The lights began to encircle one another and a falling pillar of light descended from a central spoke of this lightshow, transporting a figure with it. This figure was also like a chicken, or common cucco, but it had a head much like a human.

"This is the fifth time, my friend." said the cucco with the misshapen head. "It will not be much longer before you run out of cows to bargain with. Disclose the map to the Triforce shards, and things will end peaceably, at least for a short time." The stranger emphasized this statement with laughter not unlike that of a douche, or garden variety jackass.

The red cucco clucked a few times and pecked the ground. He flapped his wings in a style of morse code, and did a short, yet satisfying interpretive dance symbolizing the reproductive system of menopausal women.

"--And Lon Lon Milk IS good and all, but we kind of need the magic thing that grants wishes....WAIT. Did you find any of the shards yourself?" The strange cucco leered at the earth denizen. "I'd better not hear you have been hiding them from me, or I'll have you stoned. And not in the good way."

There were more clucks from the old cucco interspersed with scratching the ground.

"More time? Why prolong this? ...I'm sorry, you may be of my admittedly stunted and criss-crossing lineage, but I will not give you the soft end of the staff any longer. We're taking the map as it stands, no more talkie-talkie." The freakish chicken reached into its feathers and brought forth a small wand, and weaved a decent-sized tornado of flame around itself that would make any ninja resign his post with shame. The flames instantly dissolved, but it was certain they could materialize again at any moment.

Most of the earth cuccos thought this was very cool and yet scary at the same time, so they crowded their red elder and ripped the map from him, thrusting it into the hands of the one who had visited them many times before, often with some kind of virtual game or photos of his deformed family members.

"Thank you, all of you. You've done very well helping us, and I'm sure our leader, who once punched a baby for simply being a baby, will certainly spare you in the Great Purge." The malformed cucco entered the light, and then vanished into his own light vehicle.

And then, all but one of these was gone, which seemed out of place. This one remained, and Bellah eventually was curious enough to exit the stable to gaze at it. Was it waiting for her? Was this really the fairy's work? She noticed then, just how similar those ships looked to fairies in general. Was it a coincidence?

The hovering sphere gave no answers, but it acted the moment it saw Bellah and her steed by releasing a shape from the bottom of it like a hummingbird might leave its droppings. The figure landed in the middle of the grazing field, and Bellah approached it. The figure was indeed another one of the Space Chickens that had come for the map, but it seemed generally harmless.

"So, now to return her favor to me...If the Fairy asks, you'd better say Moloch got you out of here. Fail to mention that, and I'll really rape you. Like, for real."

In a flicker of many colors, Happy the Horse and his lone rider were standing in a vast land, limited only by obstructive walls and linear pathways: Hyrule Field. The pixels all around them sparkled with newness, and the girl was ecstatic.



Narrator: "The thought of Kakariko Village and all of those other places riveted her, and within moments she was galloping upon her retarded steed into the sunset, which totally makes sense because time passes fast. Which is why it soon turned into night. God, what cheap developers.

Wait. Are those...the remains of the vengeful dead ripping free from the soil?

Wow.

Oh, damn. This story might be shorter than I thought."

Freaking hilarious, dude. Has a nice combination of Zelda humor combined with mainstream media humor as well, even some more original stuff thrown in. I like, a lot. Although I must say Episode V was a bit lacking, the rest of it was freaking hilarious.

Originally Posted by Machina

Freaking hilarious, dude. Has a nice combination of Zelda humor combined with mainstream media humor as well, even some more original stuff thrown in. I like, a lot. Although I must say Episode V was a bit lacking, the rest of it was freaking hilarious.

Thanks, I appreciate it. I did some work on V since you read it, so maybe it will be more enjoyable now. In fact, I did a little editing on all of the portions.


Hope my loyal internet fanbase (all five people) is ready for the upcoming appearance of Link! That's right. Link is actually showing up. In a Zelda Fanfiction.

Episode 6: Of Musk And Dead Men

Every day, Hyrule Field was a peaceful place. As in, literally. However, thanks to the very prissy rule of opposites, every dusk was a nightmare.

In the early days of Creation, when the pixels of the Goddesses themselves were smooth instead of wrinkled and flabby, people invented the notion to sleep at night to avoid this problem; that being that their buried relatives would arise with the tendency to eat everything, especially your head.

If you slept during the day, you had to put up with the sounds of the dead stalking the earth when you woke up that night, and you could forget about grocery shopping with those douchebags on the loose. That was the start of the first constant sleep-cycle in Hyrule, and while many complaints had been thought about, everyone assumed someone else would be the one to finally tell the Goddesses their meatbags didn’t have an off-switch.


Happy wasn’t true to his name when he saw these zombies, and Bellah, being a nubile girl with no real memories outside of her slavery, simply didn’t understand them.

“Haha. You’re silly, put your arm back on.”

The Stalchild, a young fellow made entirely of bones, stared at her, unsure of what to say. Eventually, it came to him.

“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaghrdsdfrofl,” it said, and raked the air with its claws. It might have had a cheerful expression in those glowing eyes, but it was hard to tell.

The horse, though retarded, was not stupid. He knew when to run, and he nudged Bellah as roughly as he could. He would not miss the premiere of House tonight because of some something like death in his way. Just because this girl couldn’t shuffle her feet away from a walking corpse? Please.

Bellah turned to smack Happy for his insolence, but she stopped in her tracks when she was interrupted yet again by external forces. A zombie arm pelted her shoulder. Would she ever be an active protagonist in any sense of the word?

But one of the zombies was quite in a different way, because he was at the certain time in a young corpse’s life when he would seek out a mate. And this lad, specifically of the rotting flesh variety of zombie, was named Dedward.

While the other zombies reached for her brain, Dedward, in the span of five minutes, found himself giving her his heart. He didn’t know why. It was something in her beady eyes or third or fourth chin that did it, perhaps. Why would this occur? He didn’t know. She was a lifer, an elf, a premature freak of biotic ripeness. But he wanted her, body and soul. He decided that he would seduce her in the only way how; he released a manly musk from all the holes on his body.

Bellah noticed this immediately, and pointed at the sole Redead amongst the corpses that began to glitter.

“Pretty. Happy, can we take him with us, or do I have to cry about it?”

Flaming arrows were the only answer she received.

The ninjas descended, and with them came shiny, shiny weapons. No Deku nuts or sticks would do for these assassins. Gloved hands and jumpsuits a-glisten, they blasted the zombies with more and more blazing arrows from their gleaming crossbows, which were inexplicably popular in the Ninjadom. Their hands restocked fletched wood from their quivers with swift elegance, needling each rotting face and skull until only a handful of the Undead began to shuffle away, crying for their roasting friends.

Dedward didn’t leave. An arrow was drawn back and aimed at him, but he simply stood there, his glittery musk enshrouding him a little, like a homosexual mist.

“Stand down, he’s not dangerous. This Redead has bonded with someone...Probably that horse.” The voice was strong, the gallant tone of someone with the experience of a knight, but the current employment as a low-class ninja due to the economy. Being a Hyrulian Knight was rarely worth the pay when you could Ninja for so little.

“I don’t think so, Clarke. We should probably shoot it anyway. I don’t want any horse rape on my watch.”

“But RINK. Think about it. You can’t just kill a horny zombie just because! It’s not right. What if you were in his position?”

“Fine, he can live.” The second voice, tellingly explained as Rink, then turned his address to the girl and the steed attempting to eat rocks. “You are on dangerous ground, walking Hyrule at night. Don’t you know that the dead outnumber the living by like ninety percent?”

Bellah looked at the Redead some more, and then looked at Rink. “I ran away from home. I won’t ever go back, not even in a fancy little Deku coffin for children.”

“Well then,” said Rink coolly, “I guess that means we'll have to take you back in something a little more...not a coffin.”

Hahaha! This is amazing. Especially the part where the girl is afraid the "Item Get" jingle will wake up the house.