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Old 12-08-2006, 03:42 PM
Lunchbox* Czech_Republic Lunchbox* is offline
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The Poetic Vestiges of a Box of Lunch

Yeah, so since this thread's almost three pages, I decided to add an index so people don't just see the first poem, get bored and leave, plus it'd be easier for me. So, here it is:

The Best Damn Thing I Believe I've Ever Written: Natural Reaction (Post 30)
Rain (Post 1)
A Language Of Many Emotions (Post 6)
Once Upon A Whimsical Dream (Post 10)
Of Diamonds and Pearls (Post 17)
Eternity (Post 20)
Note To Self (Post 24)
Tongue Twister A.K.A. Shong (Post 25)
A Message In A Bottle Named "Perhaps Those Times Were Better, Perhaps These Times Will Be" Found By a Boat Stranded In The Middle of an Ocean, Desperate In Need (Post 29)

Note: Name Has Also Changed. Used to be Named 'Rain'.

My first ever attempt at a poem other than a haiku. *gasp* And, it just happens to be named Rain. Seriously, I had no plan of it. I wrote the poem and chose a fitting name. Coincidence....or something more?

Aaaaanyway, my first ever poem.

Dark clouds hanging from the sky
Giving the impression of coming rain
A lush, green field inhabited by flowers
Dotter with dull, gray stones as places
For those who leave to forever lie

A group of people standing around
Handkerchiefs in hands
Rain falling from their faces
Showing their emotions as they soak into the ground

Forever lost
The ones we love
Eternal Life
A White Dove

And through the rain
We show remorse
That no longer they are here
And yet, we are happy
For they no longer know pain

The day is slow, the night is cold
Try to sleep, but the rain continues
And it cannot be stopped
For it comes out against our will
Too strong is to hold in

Forever lost
The ones we love
Eternal Life
A White Dove

Dedicated to both my grandpas, looking over me from Heaven.
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Old 12-08-2006, 09:13 PM
Andeh Andeh is offline
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Re: The Poetic Vestiges of a Box of Lunch

*Applauds* For your first attempt ever at a poem other than a haiku, that was truly a joy to read.
The words you used created the perfect atmosphere for the type of poem this is. Not bad, not bad at all.

Although, on this stanza:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lunchbox View Post

The day is slow, the night is cold
Try to sleep, but the rain continues
And it cannot be stopped
For it comes out against our will
Too strong is to hold
In
To keep the flow going smoother, you might want to put 'in' next to 'hold'. *Shrugs* 'Tis just a suggestion.

Keep writing more, I'd definately read it. :]
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Old 12-10-2006, 07:46 PM
Lunchbox* Czech_Republic Lunchbox* is offline
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Re: The Poetic Vestiges of a Box of Lunch

Oh, yeah, I accidentaly hit the enter button iwthout realizing it (I was copying it off a paper) and was too lazy to change it. I guess I will now.
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Old 12-12-2006, 06:44 AM
Andeh Andeh is offline
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Re: The Poetic Vestiges of a Box of Lunch

Haha, we all make mistakes. ^^

Hmm...are you planning on posting anymore of your poetry here?
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Old 12-12-2006, 08:56 AM
Lunchbox* Czech_Republic Lunchbox* is offline
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Re: The Poetic Vestiges of a Box of Lunch

Uhh....when I finish them....maybe... >> But yeah, this might be my own poetry thread.

And, I'm even more determined now because of a girl at my school who is apparently a genuis at poetry. (You see, we're rivals so I want to beat her at everything )
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Old 03-15-2007, 10:21 PM
Lunchbox* Czech_Republic Lunchbox* is offline
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Re: The Poetic Vestiges of a Box of Lunch

A Language of Many Emotions

Through words of hope, a man or woman may find the courage to stand up and speak.
Through words of evil, one might stand up and find the courage to kill.
Through words of wonder, one may find fantastical worlds, a sense of adventure, a reality outlet.
Through words of hate, one might find the peace of blades, the peace of death.
Through words of encouragement, one may find the will to continue on, no matter the obstacle, no matter the odds, no matter the pain.
Through words of love, one might find the courage to ask the question, to forever bond their relationship.
Through words of fear, one might see the world differently.
Through words of joy, one might find true friendship.
Through words of leadership, one might follow.
Through words of peace, one might dream.
Through words of war, one might fear.
Through words of pain, one might pain with them.
Through words of sorrow, one might cry.
Through words of hope, one might make it reality.
Through words of comfort, one might find the ability to live on.
May vos totus ago. May you live on.


This was actually used in a Battle Arena post. I decided it sounded like a poem and alas, here it be. Hope you likey.
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Old 03-21-2007, 12:41 AM
Mess Mess is offline
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Re: The Poetic Vestiges of a Box of Lunch

Rain:

It's good.

Don't let curiosity and the desire to be good throw you off in your writing. The more and more you write, the more and more you'll desire to try new methods, new words, new everything. Don't let complex words throw you off to think simple words are too basic, don't let complex methods of writing make you think your first piece is garbage, and don't let yourself open a thesaurus.
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Old 03-26-2007, 10:21 PM
Anonymoncule United_States Anonymoncule is offline
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Re: The Poetic Vestiges of a Box of Lunch

Very goo it speaks in away you have the ablilty to be very good write some more
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Old 03-28-2007, 07:17 AM
southern belle southern belle is offline
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Re: The Poetic Vestiges of a Box of Lunch

These are both good. ^^ In 'Rain', you did an excellent job building the scene and describing it, filling your poem with emotion and making it really accessable to the reader. There were a few rough patches, but it was excellent, especially for your first non-haiku.

'A Language of Many Emotions' was also very nice. ^^ The ending was great, you wrapped everything up neatly and it left you with a good feeling.
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Old 05-18-2007, 10:33 PM
Lunchbox* Czech_Republic Lunchbox* is offline
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Re: The Poetic Vestiges of a Box of Lunch

Once Upon A Whimsical Dream

Dreams are nothing more than whimsical fantasies
Composed of nothing more than imagination

Yet, why do these fantasies tear upon our soul?
Deprive us of all, save that effort to make that dream come true?

Should we all cast out those dreams of false?
Would it make man more sensible, or create them more animalistic, primal?

But, cast this dream away, I do not desire
For this dream eats away at my heart, whether willingly or not

This dream of mine, to be with you consumes me
Though, I hide my true feelings from you

Dreams can ruin lives; destroy the boundary between imagination and reality
And this current dream of mine does,

For I would be the happiest if I were to be with you
And the saddest, if this dream were truly a whimsical fantasy
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Old 06-01-2007, 11:09 PM
Cio Cio is a female United States Cio is offline
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Re: The Poetic Vestiges of a Box of Lunch

*prods Lunchy's thread*

You called? X3

Anyway, as I said before, at first I was like, "Lunchy wrote this?! Wow. o-o"

It's brilliantly written and spoken from the heart. Wonderful, man. I expect to see more. :3
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Old 06-01-2007, 11:14 PM
Lunchbox* Czech_Republic Lunchbox* is offline
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Re: The Poetic Vestiges of a Box of Lunch

Wait...why is that so surprising?

But, thanks, i guess. I'll make more... i get bored easily XD
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Old 06-01-2007, 11:19 PM
Cio Cio is a female United States Cio is offline
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Re: The Poetic Vestiges of a Box of Lunch

Never imagined you to be the poet type. Especially that genre. X3

Still, you're really good. ^^
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Old 06-01-2007, 11:53 PM
southern belle southern belle is offline
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Re: The Poetic Vestiges of a Box of Lunch

Wow, Lunchy. That poem is... amazing. Like Cio, I never really imagined you to be the poet type. (Though is there really a poet type? Anyone could be a poet, really. I know I certainly don't go around wearing black clothes, berets, and snapping my fingers. )

Anyways.... Once Upon a Whimsical Dream is beautiful, and very touching. You seem to have a true mastery of English language, and are far too modest. I hope to see more from you!
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Old 06-02-2007, 12:20 AM
Lunchbox* Czech_Republic Lunchbox* is offline
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Re: The Poetic Vestiges of a Box of Lunch

XD XD To tell you the truth, a few of those words, I used the thesaurus. '>>
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Old 06-02-2007, 12:36 AM
southern belle southern belle is offline
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Re: The Poetic Vestiges of a Box of Lunch

Heh don't feel bad. I used to do that sometimes too. As you gain more practice, you'll need it less.
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Old 06-25-2007, 10:05 PM
Lunchbox* Czech_Republic Lunchbox* is offline
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Re: The Poetic Vestiges of a Box of Lunch

Of Diamonds And Pearls

Of Moonless Nights and Sunless Days
Of Finite Light and Infinite Darkness
Of Oceans of Dirt and Endless Trenches
Of These Would I Choose
Rather Than To Never See That One Again
The One I Wish I Could Reveal My Secret To
But Alas, I Know It Would Be A Lost Cause
For One Man’s Pearl
Belongs Already To Another


Oh wow, I just realized how Pokemonish that name is. Meh, whatever. Hope you enjoyed. It's definitely not as good as my previous
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Old 06-26-2007, 09:41 AM
Szerenade United Kingdom Szerenade is offline
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Re: The Poetic Vestiges of a Box of Lunch

Pokemon? Can we never think of gemstones the same way again? =p

I actually like this more than your previous poems. There's more room for interpretation. I like how you capitalized every word (except 'and', the poor thing). I feel like an archaeologist reading this: where every word is important, and the whole thing has this timeless, hidden meaning to it. =)

Post more soon!
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Old 07-01-2007, 01:04 AM
southern belle southern belle is offline
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Re: The Poetic Vestiges of a Box of Lunch

Ah, I love this poem. It's very simple, yet rich and full of emotion. It feels very sincere, and is very touching to read. I love the images you conjure up in this poem -- and your ending was great.
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Old 07-14-2007, 12:38 AM
Lunchbox* Czech_Republic Lunchbox* is offline
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Re: The Poetic Vestiges of a Box of Lunch

This next poem is just a continuation of a saying I have in my sig. Its one of the latin ones BTW. Uh... if you somewhat know me, then you'll recognize it, but if not, enjoy anyway. Here it is:

Eternity
To Those My Friends and Friends of Old,
May You All Live On Within the Ink and Paper
Within Those Stories That Captivate the Mind
Give Spark to Imagination
Touch the Soul
Make You Believe
Open Your Eyes
For Though Life May Be Short
Stories Live On Forever
And Maybe No One Will Know Your Life Story
But Alas, That Story Will Always Be There
For One To Stumble Across
And Be Captivated
To Those My Friends and Friends of Old,
May You All Live On…
Forever…
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