(ZGen/ Act) The Legend of Zelda: Search for Salvation [M]

Hi! This is my first fan fic, so gimme a chance.....it has violence and some profane language, but thatz basically it......I hope u's like it And i couldn't really think of a name, so if you think of a better one, tell me plz.Anyways, here's the first chapter:


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CHAPTER 1
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Link sat down on his bed. It had been six years since he had defeated Ganon, and four years since he beat skull kid. He was approaching his eighteenth birthday, yet he did not look forward to it.

Every year it was the same thing: The Kokiris would celebrate doing a dance and each made or got him a present of the forest, and Zelda would give him something of more value, like a rare diamond. Link was getting bored of this.

He longed for some adventure. Every morning he would ride out to Gerudo valley on Epona, his horse, and practice his sword skills on horseback, as well as archery on horseback. Every now and then, he would also take the gerudo fortress training grounds.

But this, he was too used to doing. He wanted some real adventure, something new. Something that he hasn’t done before. That morning, he was on Epona, making his way to Lake Hylia, going for a swim because the heat of the scorching sun was too great.

He saw in the distance two figures on horses approaching him……………closer……..he drew his sword, ready for battle, but was displeased when he found out it was just some castle guards. Well he did want something to do.

“ Link!” one guard yelled.

Link trotted over to the guards.

“ Impa wants to talk to you. She says it urgent,” he said, sounding worried.

Hearing this,Link rushed off to Hyrule town Market, leaving the guards to go after him.


There ya go.....I hoped ya Liked it.Waiting for comment

Well, it wasn't bad, but it was incredibly short for a chapter. You should try lengthening it, and SHOWing us how he is tired of the same old, same old, rather than just telling us. For example, you could have a small part where he and Saria are talking, she reminds him about his birthday, and he sighs and says "I know" in a bored voice.

You could also extend the chapter past the part with the guards. Chapters don't have to end at every exciting part. There were also a few typos.

But don't worry. All writers get criticized sometime, including me, and that's what makes them get better. I would still be awful if I had never been corrected. Don't stop just because one person gives you constructive criticism, that's just stupid. I'll keep watching this topic to see where you go with this story.

ok, thanx, some of mi chapters r pretty short, others rather long(mostly the battles) but here's the next one anyway:

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CHAPTER 2
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“What is it?” Link asked as Impa guided him through what seemed like a maze of hallways.

“The princess- she is not well,” Impa said.

She unlocked a door coloured in red and gold. Link walked inside, and the room was completely painted in white.

It had a white marble floor, and sunshine poured in from four windows on the walls. Rows of beds were stacked on each side of the room. On one bed he could see Zelda, lying unconscious. He walked up to her.

“Zelda?” He said.

Zelda slowly woke up, making a groaning noise. She coughed. Then coughed again. She did several strong coughs before she could speak.

“Link….” She said weakly, and fell back to unconciousness.

Link turned to Impa with a worried look. “What’s wrong with her? “ Link asked.

“ Zelda, is…" Impa stopped short.

“Zelda is? Zelda is what?” Link asked impatiently, still wearing that worried look.

“Zelda is infected with a disease – one that the only known cure is located somewhere in the land south of Hyrule, Muyrad. She is infected with the disease called motorpheas”

“ Oh, my God” Link said, in shock.

Motorpheas is the worse disease any Hylian can possibly get. Only three people have ever been infected in the whole of the Hylian history. They died a horrible death.

Doctors knew there was a cure, but it was too risky heading south into Muyrad: Muyrad is a land of roaming monsters, most unknown to Hyrule. Anyone who had ever gone was said to have never returned.

Only three groups of people were sent to search for the cure, but they did not come back. There was only one safe place in Muyrad: Rad City. They were protected from the monsters that roamed the land by their brilliant High walls, surrounding the city.

Motorpheas slowed the beat of your heart, and puts pressure on the lungs, thus making it hard to breath, often coughing. Also, it puts some sort of blockage on a certain part of your body, not letting blood get to that point(and if your very unlucky it could be the brain), therefore stuffing up your blood circulation.

Sometimes it may add some things like not wanting to eat any food, so your hungry, but you refuse to eat any food, and loss of voice, causing a very sore throat.


There is, of course, sometimes worse things happening if your infected.
Link was deeply worried about Zelda. He hoped she could stay alive.

“We have our best doctors trying to keep her alive long enough,” Impa said.

“Long enough for what?” Link asked.

“Link, I ask you to go to Muyrad. Search for the cure. The king of Rad city might know some information about the cure’s whereabouts. You will be sent with a group of our finest soldiers. You have not much time. The doctors can probably manage to keep Zelda alive for a month. If you want to do this, you must leave without delay,”Impa explained.

Link shivered at the thought of going to Muyrad.He had what he wanted- some adventure. However, he wasn’t so sure of this.

But he did not want to lose one of his best friends. It took him a while before he made a decision.

“ I’ll do it.”

“ Ok. Prepare yourself, Link.
This will take you a long while.”


its a bit longer then the previous one, and after this one is just basically getting ready, and the next chapter is shorter than the 1st one, but after that its a battle with animals (not telling) and itz pretty long. well, there ya go

Thats a pretty good staory.Can't wait for the next one.

kk, the next one is short, so ill post it with the one after that......tho itz out tommorow,so u guyz have to wait

Yes, the second chapter is better. I liked how you even described what the symptoms of the disease were. You are having a bit of trouble with grammar, though. You sometimes put spaces in between the quotation marks and the text that's being said, or don't put spaces where they should be. Also, try to use the names of numbers instead of the number itself (i.e. four, not 4). It just makes it look a lot less noob-ish.

"Link turned to Impa with a worried look. “What’s wrong with her? “ Link asked with a worried expression."

This is an odd little piece. It would be best to just say "he asked.", since you already used the worried expression right before he talked.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to more.

I've finally read into this, (jeez, have I read every recent fic on the forum) and like HyLemon, I have a few suggestions to make.

First of all, I think you need to space things out a bit better. Here you have one big block of text. Instead of saying

"Zelda is? Zelda is what?” Link asked impatiently, still wearing that worried look. “Zelda is infected with a disease – one that the only known cure is located somewhere in the land south of Hyrule, Muyrad. She is infected with the disease called motorpheas” Impa said. “ Oh, my God” Link said, in shock.

Try

"
Zelda is? Zelda is what?” Link asked impatiently, still wearing that worried look.

“Zelda is infected with a disease – one that the only known cure is located somewhere in the land south of Hyrule, Muyrad. She is infected with the disease called motorpheas” Impa said.

“Oh, my God” Link said, in shock.

That will make the fic itsself longer, and that formatting is generally more appealing to the eye.

Your description of the disease was fine, but you should have had Impa explain it, rather then tha narration; it all follows the famous author ophilosophy of "show, don't tell".

I can see a reasonable improvement since your first chapter, that's for sure. Keep trying, this story has good potential! :3

-SC

k guyz, thanx for the info.....this post wont have it, i need to edit it before pasting it here....so ya have 2 wait a bit loonger
By the way, the name of this story has now been officialy named(by me) a new name: Legend of Zelda:Search for Salvation(it's Zelda of Hyrule's name idea, im using it coz wut she thought is good)

Ok, here's the edited chapter 3 & 4. And one more question.........How do u change the name of a thread u made? :confused:

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CHAPTER 3
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Link rushed back to Kokiri forest on Epona. When he got in, he rushed into his wooden house. From next to his bed, he pulled out a trunk and opened it.

All the stuff that was in there reminded him of his adventures: His Longshot, which he had used several times to get to places out of reach, the Megaton Hammer, which he used as a weapon to defeat Ganon and to activate rusted switches, the Ocarina of Time, what he used to warp to several places and to open the door of time, The Fairy Bow, used as a weapon and to activate eye switches, his arrow quiver, obviously used to carry his arrows, the mirror shield, a more powerful shield than the hylian shield and used to reflect light with it’s polished surface, the Hover boots, used to cross pits unable to be jumped across, the Iron boots,used with the Zora tunic to run underwater, the lens of truth, whuch are contact lenses used to make the eye see the invisible and fake, the Golden Gauntlets, gloves containing magic that gives the wearer incredible strength, letting him or her lift up massive objects and making them more strong, a couple of bombchus, the Great sword, which Zelda gave to him on his fifteenth birthday, the scabbard for the Great sword, and the scabbard of the legendary sword…the Master sword, Blade of Evil’s Bane.

He also had a long, powerful rope he had found in Hyrule field. Link had five mini bags on his belt, and four large pockets in his tunic. He could carry nine small items at once, and his swords.

Link collected His Longshot, Ocarina of Time, the rope, Bow and arrow, Lens of truth, arrow quiver, Great sword and it’s scabbard, The Master sword’s scabbard, the Golden Gauntlets, and he took of the Metal on the hoverboots and tucked it in one of his mini bags.


Now, he was heavily armed with a bow and arrows, Gloves granting him more power, a Longshot, one sword, a rope, and his magic: Din’s fire that surrounds Link in fire, engulfing anything that comes in contact with it in flames. He also has Nayru’s love (blue diamond around link protecting him from harm for a short period of time, and can also be used on others) and the ability to put a magical power at the end of his arrows: Fire arrows, Ice arrows and Light arrows.

He was ready, except for the Master sword. He would need it, for it was the sharpest blade known to man.

Link rode back to Hyrule town Market on his horse. He guided Epona outside the Temple of Time, and tied her to the lone tree in the small courtyard entrance. There was no sound to be heard near the Temple, except the soft wind, the rustling of the fallen leaves, and the disturbing sound of Link’s footsteps. Link slowly walked into the temple.


He was blinded by the light that illuminated the hall, but it didn’t take long for his eyes to adjust to it. The room’s silence was filled with a high whistle. Link recognised the spiritual stones that he had collected many years before.

Slowly, he walked down the red carpet. He approached the altar of the stones. His way to the Master Sword was blocked by the Door of Time. He knew the way to open it. Link took out the Ocarina of Time, and brought the mouthpiece to his lips. He soothingly played the Song of Time.

The Door of Time slid open, revealing a dark room with a single bit of light, shining down on one particular spot. The Master Sword. Link entered the room and slowly approached the familiar blade.

It had been a long time since Link had possessed the Master Sword. He reached out and wrapped his hands around the comfortable hilt, and pulled it out of it’s stone.

A blue ring of light surrounded the altar in which the Master Sword had been placed, then spread wider until it filled the whole room. Then the blue light ascended, and faded quickly.

The triforce mark appeared on Link’s left hand. The triangle on the bottom left of his hand, the triforce of courage, glowed bright gold. Link had the Master Sword, and headed to Hyrule castle.


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CHAPTER 4
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“ I’m ready,” Link said as he approached Impa.

“Good. There’s a group of soldiers waiting for you in the kitchen. I’ll take you there,” Impa said.

She lead Link around many hallways that made him feel like he was racing Dampe` again. Finally, a scrumptious smell filled the air and Impa opened another door. Link walked in.

The smell of the air was fantastic. Link’s stomach growled with hunger. He looked over at a large table, and saw about twenty soldiers laughing at each other’s jokes.

“I think you should feast before you leave. The meal will be served in no time,” Impa suggested.

Link was happy to eat. He took a seat and joked a bit until the food was served. It looked delicious. He devoured it hungrily, not leaving anything on the plate - though he still used good manners.

His stomach could not take anymore when he finished.

“ Rest, Link. You start tomorrow, and you better start refreshed.” Impa said.

Link couldn’t sleep that night. Even though he was sleeping on the bed next to Zelda, he still felt extremely worried.

At one moment, Zelda coughed and woke up. She looked at Link and saw that he was still awake.

“ You look tired,” she said, coughing. “Get some sleep.”

“ I’m not the one who should be getting sleep. Rest. You’ll feel better,” Link said.

Zelda coughed and fell back to sleep. Worrying about Zelda, Link managed to get only a few hours of rest that night.


chapter five is probably the 2nd largest chapter so far. hope u guyz like the chapters above, i took ur info

Yes, you're doing better. One thing I should mention. Start a new paragraph every time a new person speaks. For example:

"I'm ready," Link said as he approached Impa.

"Good. There's a group of soldiers waiting for you in the kitchen. I'll take you there," Impa said.

You'll also notice I put commas at the end of the quotations. Make sure to put commas in place of periods at the ends of quotations, if it's followed by something like "Impa said."

One other thing. The weapons section at the beginning of chapter 3 was extremely drawn-out, you didn't need to give all those descriptions. Most people already know what they do.


EDIT: And don't tell what happens in the next chapter, it ruins the surprise.

ok, thanx for the info. I'll keep that in mind i won't tell next chapters, then......ima gonna edit that previous post i made now. Itz good to know that pple are reading mi fanfic! EDIT: ^ u'll notice that i edited the chapters above, so they're not just big text boxes......it's sorta set out like Hylian Lemon's fanfic.......well, it should be easier to read now

kk dude, no prob, u dont have to wait so long....... itz right here! Now, chapter 6 isn't complete, so it might take a bit long......unless I get it done today
here u goe:

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CHAPTER 5
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Link woke up with a start. He quickly put on his equipment and walked outside the door. The room in which the soldiers were sleeping was just next door.

He walked in, ready to yell to wake them up, but they weren’t in the room. Probably eating he thought, confused. He wandered around for a very long time until he found the kitchen, only to find that they weren’t there either.

In the distance, Link heard a faint shrill scream of a woman in pain. It seemed to be coming from outside. He quickly ran to the window and looked at where the scream had come from.

Even though it was too far to see what happened to the woman, he saw that, the usually busy town was in panic.

He searched around to find what the cause of the panic was.
It really was something to worry about.

Two Keaton were wandering around the busy place, lunging at the palace guards, who were trying to hold them back.

Keaton are deadly creatures, twice the size of a human, and are flesh-eating creatures. They are very rare, as very few of them exist in Hyrule.

Even so, they are a threat to the citizens of the town. Keaton look a bit like a wolf, only larger, and their thick yellow fur shines gold in the sunlight.

They probably came to Hyrule town market because there is not enough meat to keep them away. Link did not know why the drawbridge failed; the guards are very quick at bringing it up.

Yet, Link had to do something, and fast, before anyone else became a victim of the carnivore. He checked how low he was from the ground. About 2 stories high. Link can survive that easily. He climbed out of the window and ran out to the market.

He headed straight for the Keaton , but was shocked at what he saw.
At least twenty-two people were either killed or badly injured and laying in pain on the cold concrete.

A Keaton approached him and growled, then prepared to lunge. If Link could time it right, then he could………The Keaton jumped high into the air, about to pounce on Link.

At the same time, Link leaped up as high as he could and let the Keaton land on the ground beneath him.

As Link descended, he landed on the Keaton’s back, and withdrew the Master Sword. He didn’t mean to kill the creature-just to knock it out. He wrapped his hand around the large Keaton’s neck, and located it’s temple.

Link smashed the creature on the temple-hard- using the hilt of his sword. The Keaton let out a moan, then fell to the ground, just as Link heard a young boy cry out in pain. He turned to find the Keaton feasting on a young boy. His mother was screaming for him.

Link withdrew his Longshot in a brilliantly fast motion. He aimed it at the Keaton, then fired. The metal point was followed by the powerful chain as it dug into the Keaton’s side, and link got yanked to that spot, and then quickly pulled the thing out.

The Keaton gave a roar, and turned to Link. Without warning, it lunged at him, though missed him by far, as Link had rolled under the creature, and in the process, kicked the Keaton hard on the stomach-while rolling.

The Keaton seemed to gain more air, but it lost its balance and landed on it’s back, as Link sprinted ant hit it on the temple. It laid there, motionless.



Next chapter.......is after i finish it..........sry, im busy now
Ok, the 6th chapter is nearly complete, so gimmy a bit.....more....time......
Ok, chapter 6 is dun, i just need 2 edit it........it'll b out wen sum1 posts
>:-x waiting......

Hey not bad bro!
Look forward 2 the next part, seems interesting......
keep working kid, ive seen u stay up late to write this story^_^
heheheh....

kk, y do u eavesdrop on me? naughty sis...... n e way, 6th chapter has been edited, but warning: there is violence here, and if u refer "Shut up" as profane language, than itz down there.....well, here it is:

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CHAPTER 6
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“DIE CITIZENS OF RAD!!! LET ME FEAST ON YOUR FLESH!!” Valtaar yelled as he felt the cool breeze of the night blow across his face, and landed hard on the concrete floor from a humungous jump.

The people of Rad City ran in random directions, fleeing for their lives as guards came flooding to the market centre to face off Valtaar.

Valtaar turned to them as the guards approached him.
“YOU WISH TO FIGHT ME, MORTAL WEAKLINGS?
VERY WELL.”

Valtaar withdrew his two humungous swords, which he called “Mennideth” and “Papledi”, from their scabbards and swung them at the guards in the most confusing way anyone has ever seen.

The guards backed away, frightened. Valtaar used a magic power and cloned himself ten times. They attacked the guards without effort, having taken no damage and yet killing all the guards.

Valtaar returned the clones to his body.

“These bodies will be enough to feed on for a week! I shall not have to return here for that time. Let us go, and return later,” he said to his son, Valtir.

“Yes Father, let us go! I’m starving!” Valtir said, desperate to eat.

“Shut up Valtir! Help me carry this load. Twenty dead bodies will feed us and our creatures well.”

Valtir did as his father told. He clicked his fingers, and the corpses levitated and followed him. In secret, Valtir did not like the way his father treated him.

He was too greedy, thinking he was treating his son fairly but wanting everything for himself. Valtaar treated his son like one of his servants, who were treated horribly.

Although Valtir hated this situation, he did not complain, for if he did, his father would surely kill him. Valtaar and his son prepared to make a humungous leap out of the city.

They can jump up to two hundred and sixty metres high, but every 3 jumps they must rest their jumping and run on ground for thirty seconds.

On their way to their castle, they had to avoid several large Keaton, Werewolves, LikeLikes, Tektite’s, Flipwels, Killbuffs, Deskins and many Peahat, and even came within the eyesight of a giant Silver Snake, a long, fast snake over one hundred metres long that can crush things simply and is very poisonous.

Their path indeed is dangerous, but yet they must face it.
Why must Muyrad be so full of monsters? What horrible past caused it?
This is a question that all Radians wish to find out.
The burning castle eventually came within eyesight in the horizon.

Valtaar had actually engulfed the outside wall of his castle in magical flames to repel those who come to his castle to defeat him.

This often happened when the King of Rad city, Isorod, sent soldiers in an attempt to defeat him. All had failed.

Valtaar and his son approached the burning doors of their horrible castle.


There it is.......im working on the 7th chapter now

Good job, LoH. you are really creative, especially with the sword names. I liked those. And also...EWWW THEY EAT CORPSES!!!!!! lol keep up the good work

k, next chapter coming soon......u havv 2 wait tho, im still thinkin'

I'm not so sure about this story. I mean I've seen things that are much muc hworse in my time as a writer but I've also seen better. Even though I know it isn't my place to judge a work before its finished, I think that this story is a bit boring in its sentence structure and the overall mood is plain at best.
You write as if you have foreseen everything, so there really is no sense of aprehension or surprise. Every story must have surprises, just like life.
Also, when you explain things that are purely unique to your story, such as the disease, you explain it as if it might be the most commonly known fact in Hyrule. See, much of this story is vague as it is bland.
Speech-wise, the characters seem to function properlly, you might want to go over what they say out loud, listening to see if that's how the average person would speak.
Characterization, I'm always at war in this with other writers but you might want to take this into account. Does the reader ever get a basic idea behind the motives of each character? What drives them and what conflicts must they face on the inside? and it can't be something simple like: because I'm evil. As I've said and heard, there are no Evil people, only motives and actions.
Other than that, the story has some promise, and that plot is definitely one worth keeping. You're only lacking trait is an established style. This is your story after all. Just by reading it, people should be able to know that "oh, I know I've seen this somewhere. now, what was it...? oh yeah, Link of Hyrule2 msut have wrote this!"

For anyone who thinks I'm a mindless critic wit habsolutely no idea of what i'm talking about (and I know there has t obe someone who thinks that) check my own Fanfic: "After Majora" for proof that I qualify as a writing critic.

Well, I don't know what you mean when you say, "i write as if i have foreseen everything." I thought of what happens in this story before I wrote it, so I know what happens. And i think there is some sense of surprise. I dont mind you correcting me, I just dont know how to put your info to use. Besides, this IS my first story.....I'll be better the next story i write. But yeah, what u said about the disease thing.....its sorta true, i mean, Link already knew what motorpheas was..........if itz a rare disease, how should he know it? Oh well, whats dun is dun....ill do better the next story i write, i promise ya.

Well life is mostly action and reaction, trial and consequence. By that token, your first try has only received few consequences, pretty good.
One thing you should keep in mind, always imagine you are the reader. You've never seen this story before and any new development is a thrill in and of itself. Unlike the writer, who knows what's going to happen and knows the backgrounds of each event, the reader is pretty much in the dark about why some things happen the way they do in a story. IN other words, although it might become a little tedious, explain why some things are. For instance, Link might have come to know that disease while he was defending a family of farmers from monsters. The family might have required Link's help because their strongest man was weakened by the sickness and died soon after, forever emblazoning the the disease into Link's memory.
See, you want to get into your audience's heads. Keep them on the edge of their seats not just with action, but with mystery.
Think, why do the evil villains act the way they do? The audience has no idea and after seeing what they're capable of, they will begin to assume that "oh they're just evil". But that never makes for an interesting villain, or character for that matter.
Remember, things must be complicated. Corners cannot be cut. Information should be given or implied depending upon skills based on writing subtlety.
Most important of all, no matter what I've said here, the audience is not stupid. By implying things through little remarks like "Slowly, he wiped sweat from his eyes with the back of his hand and tightened his grip on the Master Sword" you can convey anticipation.
There's a whole archive of those little details that make a good writer and I can't tell you all of them. Just live and learn. And keep writing.

Whatever. I still think its good. better than I could write, probably. where is the next chapter? Bring it on!

Sorry, I just Really dont have much time 2 write rite now.......i have too many assignments, nd I havv 2 study for maths (i got too many damn tests) im still thinking on whether or not i should say WHY Valtaar and Valtir are evil creatures.
I think i won't...well im really stuck, so dont put me under more pressure plz