[Original] Zasch's Journey

EDIT: I have made the beginning of the last one a short prologue, and am rewriting what I had. Please enjoy it and criticism and compliments are definitely welcome.


Prologue


Death. Death is what Zasch felt. He was spiraling into death uncontrollably. Into the blackest of all voids.
“Zasch! Zasch, wake up!”
What the…, thought Zasch, who was that? Then he screamed.
Death grabbed him by the shoulder with his long, black arms, “You’re coming with me mortal, your very soul is mine,” he hissed.
Zasch shrugged off the hand, and ran to the door of life. The only light in the darkest of darkness. He pounded, kicked, and screamed at the door. Death grabbed him and pulled him back yet again.
“Didn’t you hear me boy? Your soul is mine. There is no hope for you,” Death seemed to whisper in Zasch’s ear.
Zasch looked behind him. He didn’t see anything. He felt rather than saw a hand on his shoulder. Death seemed to laugh at his helplessness from the void. Zasch screamed yet again, and Death only laughed more. Death found humor in his evil, and Zasch could tell. Then he felt a presence behind him. He knew it was Death. He turned and kicked at Death quickly and ran toward the door of life. Death screamed in rage.
“You have made a mistake boy. You’ve angered Death. Nothing is worse than that. Time to say goodbye to the world you know and love, bastard child of Eledrid Egnus, your soul is mine.”
Zasch screamed in rage and tackled the presence. They both tumbled onto the ground. Death clawed out and ripped a gash in Zasch’s right arm. Zasch then got up and ran the other way, away from the door. He felt a hand grab him. Not just Death’s hand, but something more. Encompassing his whole entire being.
Death pointed at the mortal and hissed, “It seems like lady luck has come for you today, but not nest time. Next time, your soul is mine.”
That was all Zasch heard as he spiraled deeper into the dark, into the never ending darkness of the void.

My thoughts can be found here. I apologize for skimping on the critique towards the end; my laptop is currently broke, so I have to use the desktop... the keyboard proved to be rather difficult to type on and the browser froze every other minute while on GoogleDocs. Once I get my laptop to work, I'll go back and add to it.

I think you have a lot of potential, and I think with work, this story could turn out to be really interesting.

Originally Posted by MorbidDelight

My thoughts can be found here. I apologize for skimping on the critique towards the end; my laptop is currently broke, so I have to use the desktop... the keyboard proved to be rather difficult to type on and the browser froze every other minute while on GoogleDocs. Once I get my laptop to work, I'll go back and add to it.

I think you have a lot of potential, and I think with work, this story could turn out to be really interesting.

Thank you! You kinda put your finger on what I felt was wrong. And thanks for saying it could be good, it means a lot.

I have deleted basically everything and made the beginning I had a short prologue. I am working on the first chapter, but after I wrote the prologue I kinda lost my inspiration. So it might not be coming up today. Please enjoy it and criticism and comments on it are quite welcome! ^_^

My thoughts on the updated prologue can be found here. Same type of deal: click on highlighted parts to see the corresponding comment and my general thoughts/advice are found at the end.

I think you have a good base here, so the next step is really just clarifying things, using smoother phrasing, and adding more description. I think the key is to build upon what you have now. Yeah, you'll have to delete some stuff/clarify other things, but it's most important that you build on actions and such rather than tear them down and start fresh.