spitting words and explosions boom

This is a thread where I'll upload all my writings (that are in English (which are quite few)).
Constructive feedback would be swell, but I enjoy comments of all sort really.

Hoho.

Anyways.

I wrote this today while listening to Múm - Green Green Grass of Tunnel.

Spoiler:  

working hard but hardly matter
hardly working on what really matters
a species specializing on reconnecting mistakes
a severe struggle of definition awakes

stretching and reaching
trembling but aiming so accurately
trusting your thrust in my chest,
i'm assuming we wont see each other again

so we sit
in a moldy old city tunnel
while we sink and regain consciousness

again,
and again,
and again, and again, and again

I enjoyed the poem. I really liked the second stanza and how the 2nd and 4th lines had +5 added to them than the 1st and 3rd lines. It has a nice rhythm to it and a nice sort of semi-vague feeling towards it. One suggestion:

again,
and again,
and again, and again, and again

might be better as

again,
and again, and-
again, and again, and again

Then, it's 2, 4, 8 rather than 2,3, 9. It just flows a little bit better that way, in my opinion.

Originally Posted by MorbidDelight

I enjoyed the poem. I really liked the second stanza and how the 2nd and 4th lines had +5 added to them than the 1st and 3rd lines. It has a nice rhythm to it and a nice sort of semi-vague feeling towards it. One suggestion:



might be better as



Then, it's 2, 4, 8 rather than 2,3, 9. It just flows a little bit better that way, in my opinion.

Thank you! And thank you for the feedback.
I must say that I agree. I tried saying it out loud and it does give it a better flow. So thank you again.

I always enjoyed more "abstract" poetry than long, detailed ones, and I think you pulled this off very well.

My only nitpick is this line: "trusting your thrust in my chest, "

What exactly is it supposed to mean? Do you mean "trusting you're [you are] in my chest" or do you mean something else?

Do you have a certain song that it goes to?


I'm being serious this time Holden.

Originally Posted by Shadowman209

Do you have a certain song that it goes to?


I'm being serious this time Holden.

Nope, but I'm planning to add some tunes to it in the future. (:

Originally Posted by Antigone

I always enjoyed more "abstract" poetry than long, detailed ones, and I think you pulled this off very well.

My only nitpick is this line: "trusting your thrust in my chest, "

What exactly is it supposed to mean? Do you mean "trusting you're [you are] in my chest" or do you mean something else?

Thank you!

"trusting your thrust in my chest, I'm assuming we wont see each other again".
It describes hurt and the conflict of two people. The person verbalizing this ^, sees the situation for what it is and believes that their relationship is coming to an end.

yeah that beautiful and damn deep....