[Fanfiction] A War Loving Vampire's Guide to Forks: A Twilight Fanfiction

I don't Twilight as a whole, so this is a major AU. There will be (real) vampires, zombies, werewolves, wizards, ghouls, ghosts, fairies and just about any supernatural creature you can think of. I plan to add romance between characters, but it will NOT be a major plot item.

I have read all of the Twilight books, and know more about the Twilight Saga than your average twitard. I payed attention to the little details. I will be using those.


Hello, my name is Jack Archer and this is my story. It isn't a sad one, full of sobbing and sighing, but of the simple life of a war loving vampire taking a break and slowing down... For about two days.

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December 23, 1918

Boston, Massachusetts

It was around eight PM and I was walking home with the foodstuffs I bought from the local market.

The clouds were gone and the December air felt wonderful on my skin, but it also gave me an eerie feeling. Quite few people were out, even though the night was rather young.

The roads were snowy and slicked with ice, that might have been why not many people were out. I didn't know, and frankly, I just didn't care.

It still all felt so surreal. The influenza sweeping in last summer, my parents dying and my best friend being proclaimed dead. I could still barley believe it. But the strangest part wasn't the fact that Edward's body was never found, but the fact that there wasn't any formal investigation. Even though the Great War was going on, the police force was still active and on most cases they still followed protocol.

Even with the war was over they still didn't start an investigation.

Eventually I just couldn't handle living in the same town where everything happened. So I went east.

I was so wrapped up in my thoughts that I didn't even see the pale arm pull me into an alleyway by the collar and slam my head was slammed against a brick wall. It was not a pleasant feeling. Seeing stars, I looked up and saw a pale man with red eyes and blond hair tied back in a pony tail bearing his teeth at me.

My eyes widened in fear. Not from the blond man, but the man behind him. If I could explain his looks in one word, it would be 'Dracula'. He looked almost identical as I thought that Dracula would look in Bram Stoker's novel. Black hair, old looking clothes, silver eyes. I had always been a boy fond of literature and the surreal. Seeing Dracula in real life terrified me, I read what he could do, what he could make you do.

The Dracula figure grinned wide, showing fangs instead of canines and raised a single finger to his mouth and made a hushing motion.

The first man grinned, "You have the right to be afraid, it's nothing to be ashamed of." And with that he lunged.

At first I thought his teeth would never in a million years be able to penetrate my skin. I was almost instantly proven wrong as his teeth sunk into my neck like a hot knife through butter. It hurt. Bad.

I grit my teeth to keep from crying out and giving the man the pleasure to see me in pain, but it was like red-hot daggers were being forced into my neck, only spreading the heat. It was hard not to cry out, but I managed. Barley.

My eyes managed to stay oped through the pain and because of that, I saw 'Dracula' tap the paler man on the shoulder. Pony-tail than turned to face him with speed faster than any human, without even unclenching his teeth, ripping a good amount of flesh from my neck. I attempted to groan, but all that came was a gurgle. He must of bit deep.

Pony-tail lunged at 'Dracula', but 'Dracula' turned to mist before the other man could get to him.

'Dracula' reformed in front of me, facing Pony-tail and started chanting in a thick accented English, "Hear me, James, and obey," The other man, James, stiffened and turned to face 'Dracula'. "Lay here til, one gives the consent to move." And with that, James hit the ground unmoving.

At this point my vision had black spots covering it and the burning had reached my head.

"Do you want to live, boy?" 'Dracula' asked. I simply nodded at his question, it brought me extreme pain doing so. He brought his wrist up and cut it with a sharpened nail from the opposite hand. "Lean your head back."

I wanted to protest to the idea, but I couldn't do so. So I did as he asked, but it felt as if my head would fall off my body. He placed his bleeding wrist a few inches above my wounded neck and let the blood drip onto the wound. Wherever the blood would drip onto, the pain would stop. After a few moments, most of the pain was gone.

"Open your mouth," the man told me. It was more of a command though. I reluctantly did so. 'Dracula' pressed his wrist to my mouth. The blood that dripped into my mouth tasted sweet. I wanted more, it was a lot like having a bag of candy in front of you and having a single piece. You just want more, you don't need it, but you want it.

It all faded into black after taking a few mouth fulls.

-------

June 4, 1944

Normandy, France

I readied myself to get off the amphibious vehicle, making sure my backpack was on right and I had a clip in my rifle. I didn't NEED of the standard issue supplies, but hey, want not, waste not.

Flitting required a lot of blood, blood that I didn't have at the time due to the fact that my bites are lethal to males. During the forties, there were hardly any women, if any, in the US of A's military program. Hence my using the rifle instead of my vampiric abilities. At least it was overcast, sunlight wouldn't of helped my handicap.

My tougher than human skin and my claws helped a bit with CQC (close quarters combat), but against the Nazi firearms and mortars, I was as good as dead.

The USDSA (United States Department of Supernatural Affairs) forced a lot of Nightkind (Monsters that could potentially have a mind) to fight in the war. We were that United States trump card.

As soon as I felt the bump of the armored vehicle hitting the sand, our Captain gave the order to move out.

I was going to storm Normandy Beach.

I was lucky I survived to live another day.

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September 14, 1966

North Vietnam

'Nam was a hell of a time. Swamps were fun. Heat was fun . Fighting was fun. You never knew when you would get shot at. Or sniped. Or blown up. Or attacked by a werewolf. Or ambushed by a legion of undead. It was interesting to say the least.

The war was controversial and unnecessary to the crowds. But to to the people(?) registered in the USDSA, it was the most prominent war of under-the-bed-creepys since the One Hundred Years War.

My squad had a seraph, a nosferatu, a mimic, an insect controlling wizard, and me. It was an interesting combination. A holy avenger, cleansing evil with fire, two blood drinking creatures of the night, a shapeshifter, and the single creepiest wizard I have ever seen. Almost none of us got along, but we fought well.

A lich decided that it would be a great idea to take over the world. We were in charge of finding it's phalactraphy before it could raise an army large enough to destroy Asia. Worst comes to worst, we could of burned all of North Vietnam to the ground. But seeing as Uncle Sam spent so much resources on keeping keeping the secret, we didn't want to have Mike (short for Micheal, our seraph) and his angel friends to bring down a huge golden firestorm.

Everyone in the USDSA registry was up for draft. Vampires, sprites, nosferatu, skinwalkers, angels, demons, orcs, and just about any creature (with a somewhat human mind) you could think of was a potential candidate for the fight.

The war was won over time. Didn't last long enough in my book

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Forks, Washington

September 12, 2011

Highschool. It seemed like a good idea. I had been fighting almost nonstop for the past 70 years through various wars, human or supernatural. A break seemed nice.

So here I was. Forks Washington, Supernatural Nexus. In other words, about one in two people here aren't even human. It's one of three of the world's Nexus', the other two are Tokyo Japan and Romania.

Because of the number of Nightkind, there was even a night class specificity for them. Funded by the government, of course.

Tonight, I start with a new life.

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Alright, I hope I don't loose inspiration for this one. I feel it has a lot of potential. First chapter will come within the week if I'm lucky.

Feedback is appreciated.

Originally Posted by Red Shadows

I don't Twilight as a whole, so this is a major AU. There will be (real) vampires, zombies, werewolves, wizards, ghouls, ghosts, fairies and just about any supernatural creature you can think of. I plan to add romance between characters, but it will NOT be a major plot item. ...hm. I'll reserve judgment for now, but a good fanfiction, in my opinion (regardless of AU or not), builds upon the canon itself with character development/plot and improves it while never straying from the path of what exists too majorly. I'm not a Twilight fan, but I'm guessing most supernatural creatures aren't included in the series besides vampires and werewolves.. Have you considered making this your own story?



Hello, my name is Jack Archer and this is my story. It isn't a sad one, full of sobbing and sighing, but of the simple life of a war loving vampire taking a break and slowing down... For about two days. Eh, I get the device you're trying to use, but it just doesn't work well here. From my first skim, it seems like this goes well over a few days. Get rid of it or improve it by giving more clarity.

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December 23, 1918

Boston, Massachusetts

It was around eight PM and I was walking home with the foodstuffs I bought from the local market. Describe nightfall, write something telling the reader nightfall has just arrived. Like, 'I was walking down the street, groceries in hand, I *insert description and feelings about night*". Although maybe describe the location of where he's walking and what it looks like, but inset the description seamlessly before/after actions.

The clouds were gone and the December air felt wonderful on my skin, but it also gave me an eerie feeling. Quite few people were out, even though the night was rather young. Okay, that goes with describing that nightfall just occurred and describing scenery seamlessly.

The roads were snowy and slicked with ice, that might have been why not many people were out. I didn't know, and frankly, I just didn't care. Again, description needs to be more detailed and/or included seamlessly. If you want to use a photographic style of writing (Like Sinclair Lewis, though I don't find photographic writing to be interesting to read outside of a novel that's trying to immortalize a setting/use description as a device in itself), then you need to go all out and describe in better detail. Don't go overboard with description, just make the description less generic and more meaningful


It still all felt so surreal. The influenza sweeping in last summer, my parents dying and my best friend being proclaimed dead. I could still barley believe it. But the strangest part wasn't the fact that Edward's body was never found, but the fact that there wasn't any formal investigation. Even though the Great War was going on, the police force was still active and on most cases they still followed protocol. I wouldn't describe that as surreal. Instead, describe his horror/shock/despair at it and the reader will pick up that he finds it surreal

Even with the war was over they still didn't start an investigation.

Eventually I just couldn't handle living in the same town where everything happened. So I went east. This really needs better detail. His best friend being dead and his parents dying are described so nonchalantly. It needs better detail that portrays his emotions more effectively

I was so wrapped up in my thoughts that I didn't even see the pale arm pull me into an alleyway by the collar and slam my head was slammed against a brick wall. It was not a pleasant feeling. Seeing stars, I looked up and saw a pale man with red eyes and blond hair tied back in a pony tail bearing his teeth at me. Hm, this just seems unbelievable. He honestly didn't feel being pulled? Maybe describe the pulling breaking his thoughts and the pain he experienced/why it was not pleasant. For a cliched, bare bones example, "I just couldn't believe it. It seems like only yesterday we were- I choked as I felt myself being slammed against the brick wall by a vampire.' Now, don't describe like that because it's cliched and horrible, but the principle of it applies.

My eyes widened in fear. Not from the blond man, but the man behind him. If I could explain his looks in one word, it would be 'Dracula'. He looked almost identical as I thought that Dracula would look in Bram Stoker's novel. Black hair, old looking clothes, silver eyes. I had always been a boy fond of literature and the surreal. Seeing Dracula in real life terrified me, I read what he could do, what he could make you do.This relies on too many assumptions. This is a Twilight ff, not a Dracula ff. I might have no idea who Dracula is and his description is weak. I might have no idea what Dracula could do. If this was a Dracula ff, it would be more acceptable, but it's not so fix it by saying he looked like a vampire that he had read about in his childhood or something.

The Dracula figure grinned wide, showing fangs instead of canines and raised a single finger to his mouth and made a hushing motion.

The first man grinned, "You have the right to be afraid, it's nothing to be ashamed of." And with that he lunged.

At first I thought his teeth would never in a million years be able to penetrate my skin. I was almost instantly proven wrong as his teeth sunk into my neck like a hot knife through butter. It hurt. Bad. Uh, why? If he's familiar with vampires, then he should know it's going to happen. Also, describe this more, as I'm getting the feeling this is one of the most important in the chapter. This is the moment he becomes a vampire, and it should be given more attention, in general.

I grit my teeth to keep from crying out and giving the man the pleasure to see me in pain, but it was like red-hot daggers were being forced into my neck, only spreading the heat. It was hard not to cry out, but I managed. Barley. Eh, this description just isn't very good and it's cliched. Sorry. And he would be crying out. If someone was biting through your flesh, one would not be thinking about pride. That's just unrealistic.

My eyes managed to stay oped through the pain and because of that, I saw 'Dracula' tap the paler man on the shoulder. Pony-tail than turned to face him with speed faster than any human, without even unclenching his teeth, ripping a good amount of flesh from my neck. I attempted to groan, but all that came was a gurgle. He must of bit deep. Describe the speed differently, as it's clear these people aren't human. And maybe say tearing? That's more realistic than him just getting a chunk of flesh in his mouth.

Pony-tail lunged at 'Dracula', but 'Dracula' turned to mist before the other man could get to him.

'Dracula' reformed in front of me, facing Pony-tail and started chanting in a thick accented English, "Hear me, James, and obey," The other man, James, stiffened and turned to face 'Dracula'. "Lay here til, one gives the consent to move." And with that, James hit the ground unmoving. Chanting just sounds awkward. Chanting is when someone repeats the same repetitive phrase
over and over again. Also, shouldn't he be shocked, or at least frightened, by the reappearance?

At this point my vision had black spots covering it and the burning had reached my head.

"Do you want to live, boy?" 'Dracula' asked. I simply nodded at his question, it brought me extreme pain doing so. He brought his wrist up and cut it with a sharpened nail from the opposite hand. "Lean your head back."

I wanted to protest to the idea, but I couldn't do so. So I did as he asked, but it felt as if my head would fall off my body. He placed his bleeding wrist a few inches above my wounded neck and let the blood drip onto the wound. Wherever the blood would drip onto, the pain would stop. After a few moments, most of the pain was gone. Yeah, this needs to be described differently. Describe how he feels the pain ceasing/his wound healing (?, not familiar if wounds heal in Twilight when vampire blood is applied). Describe how he feels relieved

"Open your mouth," the man told me. It was more of a command though. Then say 'the man commanded' I reluctantly did so. 'Dracula' pressed his wrist to my mouth. The blood that dripped into my mouth tasted sweet. I wanted more, it was a lot like having a bag of candy in front of you and having a single piece. You just want more, you don't need it, but you want it.

It all faded into black after taking a few mouth fulls. The candy simile just doesn't work well for me. Describe how the blood tastes so good and how he wants it all because of the taste

-------

June 4, 1944

Normandy, France

I readied myself to get off the amphibious vehicle, making sure my backpack was on right and I had a clip in my rifle. I didn't NEED of the standard issue supplies, but hey, want not, waste not.

Flitting required a lot of blood, blood that I didn't have at the time due to the fact that my bites are lethal to males. During the forties, there were hardly any women, if any, in the US of A's military program. Hence my using the rifle instead of my vampiric abilities. At least it was overcast, sunlight wouldn't of helped my handicap.

My tougher than human skin and my claws helped a bit with CQC (close quarters combat), but against the Nazi firearms and mortars, I was as good as dead.

The USDSA (United States Department of Supernatural Affairs) forced a lot of Nightkind (Monsters that could potentially have a mind) to fight in the war. We were that United States trump card. Okay, I vaguely remember hearing that the vampires were originally from Europe or something which implies Germany would have them. But I'm not knowledgeable of the canon, so can't make an accurate judgment. Also, the description thing applies to this entire passage. You need to focus more on how things happen and rely less on awkward phrases. Be more specific.

As soon as I felt the bump of the armored vehicle hitting the sand, our Captain gave the order to move out.

I was going to storm Normandy Beach.

I was lucky I survived to live another day. Yeah, describe the feelings more.

--------------

Okay, I stopped after there because it's relying more on canon, and I can't comment on inaccuracies or things that don't make sense. In general, it needs better physical description and more/better emotional description. Some of the reactions of the main character just don't make sense. Think about what you would do if faced with a vampire. I hardly think you'd be that calm. It was better than the last piece you did, so you are improving which is good. Also, I didn't correct grammar at all/fix anything because you can fix that on your own, but there are some issues in there. Review the rules and revise it.

I'm not the best at displaying emotions. I'm working on it.

Almost all of the first vampire scene isn't canon to twilight at all. Twilight vampires don't have fangs, nor blood. So one is a true vampire, and one is a twilight 'vampire'. Here is the link to the page on twi-vamps.

Oh, Germany had their monsters, but at the moment, the Voltouri (Lawful Neutral rulers of the Twi-vamp world) are completly oblivious to most of the supernatural world. They only know about skinwalkers (humans that can turn into animals), Children of the Moon (Werewolves), and themselves, mainly because most Nightkind can disguise themselves to an extent that one couldn't tell the difference between them and someone else, or a tree, or an animal, etc, etc, etc.

I'll follow up and add upon the canon in the next chapter. I have a lot going on then.

Pinkie Pie's critique can be found here.

Remember those high school speech classes where they tell you never to begin with “Hello, my name is”? Same rule applies here.

I'm going for a POV from a human (?), not a human with perfect grammar.

"Foodtstuffs"? What the ♥♥♥♥ are foodstuffs?

It's an alternate and not widely known word for food.

Okay. Now where is he? What does the city look like? Where exactly is “the local market”?

Took place before the story started, doesn't mater.

Sub-zero temperatures felt wonderful against his skin?
Patron

Being cooped up in a building heated with fire might get a bit dry and a bit to warm.

This seems like a cold comment to make, especially about something so trivial. Four paragraphs in, and I think your main character is an ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥.

He IS an ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥.

…it’s here that I take one of my first issues with the story itself. Rather than follow any of the established characters, you opt to create your own “ideal” vampire to tag along with instead. If you consider this fanfiction, then you’re better off following a reimagined version of Edward.

Oh, no, the canon characters are there, everyone is still there. I plan to have the story follow the canon to an extent, but have it murdered by New Moon.

Do you have something against law enforcement? Not once in your stories have I seen an accurate portrayal of police, guardsmen, or military. Pull your head out of Call of Duty and stop assuming that everyone in a uniform is an ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥.

No, I don't have anything against law enforcement. There is a reason that Eddie boy's 'death' hasn't been investigated. Remember that little bit about the USDSA a little bit later in the chapter? Call of Duty doesn't have anything to do with this.

…so, are we still in Boston? Or no?

♥♥♥♥... Forgot something.

No. I don’t buy it. You would notice that. Unless you’re doped up on opium (which, given the time period, could be the case), you would notice the hand reaching out to grab you by the collar.

Twilight vampires can move faster than any human ever could. It's not unlikely that it one could grab you any toss you without even seeing them.

…o…kay? How else would his teeth show? You can’t smile in any convincing manner while showing off just your canines.
Patron

I don't think you're reading that right.

Like was said before me, this doesn’t feel right. The bite causes excruciating pain, yet all Edward (because that’s who he should be) can think about is letting slip his masculinity?

Venom hasn't spread. Not as bad as it could be.

…sharpened… nail?

Use context.

Except, where are we? Where is the main character? Are they in the ocean? The lake? Are they having a sleep over? Until you provide more detail, readers won’t be able to tell anything about your story.

Context, context. It's June Fourth 1944, where do you think they would be?

BORING.

Cough.

This isn’t interesting. Rather than displaying any of these abilities, they’re being explained. I don’t give a damn about explanations. You have a vampire you are set on making a “real” vampire in reaction to Twilight. Use him. Don’t have him sit on the sidelines and explain ♥♥♥♥.
Patron

Can't be show, no blood to fuel it. I would be contradicting the rules I made with my vampires.

WOO. NOTHING HAPPENS IN THIS CHAPTER!

Nope. It sets the stage. Not my best work at doing so either.

Originally Posted by Red Shadows

I'm going for a POV from a human (?), not a human with perfect grammar.

You're also writing a story. Try writing it well.

It's an alternate and not widely known word for food.

It's also non-specific, telling us nothing about what he's carrying. Pinkie Pie knows what foodstuffs refers to, but it doesn't tell the reader what the Edward is carrying.

Took place before the story started, doesn't mater.

Yes, it does. Context and setting is important. You don't get to eschew them just because you can't be bothered.

Being cooped up in a building heated with fire might get a bit dry and a bit to warm.

For several seconds. Then the cold sets in.

He IS an ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥.

Then why should Pinkie Pie care about his well-being? He's a prick. At this point, she thinks he would be better off taking a bullet to the head so the rest of the world doesn't have to put up with him.

You don't want readers to hate the main character. If they hate the main character, they won't bother to finish the story.

No, I don't have anything against law enforcement. There is a reason that Eddie boy's 'death' hasn't been investigated. Remember that little bit about the USDSA a little bit later in the chapter? Call of Duty doesn't have anything to do with this.

You haven't portrayed a single instance of law enforcement in a positive light in any of the stories Pinkie Pie has read.

Twilight vampires can move faster than any human ever could. It's not unlikely that it one could grab you any toss you without even seeing them.

Yes, it is. You cannot be grabbed and tossed without noticing it. The very notion is ridiculous.

I don't think you're reading that right.

Then it was written poorly. Pinkie Pie read over the line several times to make sure she understood what you were trying to say.

Venom hasn't spread. Not as bad as it could be.

I grit my teeth to keep from crying out and giving the man the pleasure to see me in pain, but it was like red-hot daggers were being forced into my neck, only spreading the heat. It was hard not to cry out, but I managed. Barley.

That sounds pretty ♥♥♥♥ing bad.

Use context.

The context is that a vampire just happens to have a razor-sharp set of fingernails. There is no context.

Context, context. It's June Fourth 1944, where do you think they would be?

At home with the radio.

It doesn't matter where Pinkie Pie thinks they would be. It matters where they are. This isn't Pinkie Pie's story. If you can't be bothered to flesh out your stories, don't bother writing them in the first place.

Can't be show, no blood to fuel it. I would be contradicting the rules I made with my vampires.

Then don't have him explain. Explanation is boring.

Nope. It sets the stage. Not my best work at doing so either.

A chapter is never supposed to set the stage for something. If something doesn't happen in a chapter, something was done wrong. Don't just start the story wherever the hell you want. Start the story where the plot begins.

Which actually brings to light the biggest problem with your story: you seem to want to cover a lot of ground while simultaneously filling in the necessary check marks to qualify your story as Twilight fanfiction. All these scenes you have with the character going through World War II and Vietnam? They're unnecessary. They do nothing for the story and you don't linger on them long enough to give them any real impact.

Pinkie Pie recommends going back and giving one whole chapter to each of these time periods. What you have now isn't a chapter; it's a series of disjointed scenes.

Pinkie Pie's updated thoughts:

I feel the need to continue mah thoughts with more basic stuff. In response to this story, Blinding Corruption, and what work I’ve seen of yours on Fanfiction.net, I’ve one suggestion that I think will benefit you greatly in the long run: stop opening with bull♥♥♥♥.

You say this chapter is leading up to something, but that isn’t the purpose of chapters. Chapters are meant to show things happening. Those happenings may lead to something big in the end (as is usually the case in plot), but a chapter should never exist just to prop up the next. If it does, then kill it without mercy.

As Blinding Corruption did, your story relies too much on reader knowledge, which is a sure way to turn off readers and critics alike. I don’t know what Boston, Massachusetts looks like. I don’t know what Normandy, France looks like. And yet you assume I do. Even in your response to my critique, you reject suggestions of expanded description and insist that the little tags you slap on the beginning of your section should serve as setting enough.

Bull

♥♥♥♥.

Stop it. You’re treading the same path you created during Blinding Corruption and it doesn’t seem you learned a thing. Your settings are still empty set pieces. Your main character is still an unlikable ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ that will turn readers off just by being a massive cock. No one wants to spend their time reading about a massive cock. Yes, you can right about a character with issues. That doesn’t mean you eschew all positive traits in an attempt to create someone you view as “realistic”.

In fact, your character makes me think of a protagonist from one of my favorite stories of all time—a story that happens to be Legend of Zelda fanfiction. In it, Linus Olsen (the Link analogue) starts out as a potsmoking Legend of Zelda fan working a dull office job while living with potsmoking roommates. He starts out as a mixed bag, but never goes out of his way to be a ♥♥♥♥wit.

Though he piddles through part of the story as a morally average guy, he ultimately proves himself to be worthy of the title “the Link of the Triforce”, and after he finds himself in a Hyrule that may or may not be a drug-induced hallucination, he throws himself into a group of Moblins to defend a family he’s only just met. Even after this, he’s never morally perfect, but he comes off as real.

Not like your ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ of a character.

Well that was nice.

I enjoy making characters that break the mold. Heroic vampires, lovable jackasses, ... More heroic vampires. Some may not be to your satisfaction, that's fine with me. But I try to make my characters have human reactions. When I think of what my characters would do I always think "What would I do, what would a human do?" I never try to make my character pointlessly heroic and righteous. Mainly because I try to think of them as real people thrust into situations that they can't be real.

If you were thrust into a situation where you were set in-between a family and a horde of orcs, you would most likely try to feel brave, than you would loose hope, and before they hit and killed you, you would run, leaving the family to die. Humans as a whole are ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥s.

Details, ya, I need to work on them. Characters, I find them to be well written.

Congratulations, you have killed my buzz on this story.

First of all, don't get discouraged by what other people write about your story. Take their advice into consideration about the story, not that you *have* to act on it (but when multiple people cite the same issue, it's probably a problem), but when it gets to the point where it becomes more along the lines of criticism that's not constructive, ignore it. Remember most people are just trying to help you, so don't get upset. And if it *does* venture into being rude, then ignore them as they're not worth your time or emotions . Remember: Who are they to you? No one; all they are is someone on the internet.

Your character is not well written. This is mainly because, as Pinkie Pie wrote rather harshly, the story is too fast paced. If you slow the pace down and devote chapters to the scenes you've written to help build character/plot, it will really help bring out your characters and make the reader be able to empathize with them more. Right now, I feel as though I'm being told about a character and I'm expected to care about them rather than having chance *to* care about them. Also, try to apply more 'what would someone of this personality do'. Make a sheet of your MC personality. More than what you'll ever need. Their history, personality, favorites, etc. Then, if you're ever wondering, what would this person do when confronted with X, you'll have something that will help you. It's a lot better than just saying 'all humans are asses, so they'll all do X.'

Anyways, don't get discouraged. This story won't turn out to be a masterpiece. That's a fact. However, you get better BY writing and writing. No one started out being excellent, so just keep writing and you'll eventually become great. That being said, you'll only become excellent if you make the effort to improve yourself.

Originally Posted by MorbidDelight

Your character is not well written. This is mainly because, as Pinkie Pie wrote rather harshly, the story is too fast paced.

Pinkie Pie says what needs to be said, and is often the first to do so.

Originally Posted by Red Shadows

Well that was nice.

I enjoy making characters that break the mold. Heroic vampires, lovable jackasses, ... More heroic vampires. Some may not be to your satisfaction, that's fine with me. But I try to make my characters have human reactions. When I think of what my characters would do I always think "What would I do, what would a human do?" I never try to make my character pointlessly heroic and righteous. Mainly because I try to think of them as real people thrust into situations that they can't be real.

If you were thrust into a situation where you were set in-between a family and a horde of orcs, you would most likely try to feel brave, than you would loose hope, and before they hit and killed you, you would run, leaving the family to die. Humans as a whole are ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥s.

Details, ya, I need to work on them. Characters, I find them to be well written.

Congratulations, you have killed my buzz on this story.

He's not a lovable jackass. He's a ♥♥♥♥ing prick.

What you need to learn about fiction is that realism doesn't matter as much as you think it does. You've created a story with vampires, liches, and a vampire attending high school. By concept alone, you've thrown realism out the window, yet feel compelled to adhere to it with your character.

People do not want to read about ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥s. There's a fine line between writing a morally ambiguous character and making them a ♥♥♥♥ing prick.

And no, humans as a whole are not ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥s. That's a pitiful assumption. But if you insist on focusing on the bad while ignoring the good, then yes, human are ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥s.