[Poetry] Poems

So I've never really written much poetry, but I've decided to give it a shot recently. Any constructive criticism would be greatly appreciated !

I wrote this one while experimenting with blank verse (it's one of my first, so if it sucks, that's why lol).

A Thousand Moons

On a long stretch of road, a vehicle
So hastily flies by, forgetting all
Of what had once surrounded it, it learns
To accept the visage of this new world

The vehicle drives past the world forgot
Into the new, great land it drives with speed
The grass becomes a glorious green blur
It's not alive, but charmingly dead now

As the old sun begins to sink, it's soul
Looks to the sky and sees a thousand moons
All smiling blankly down upon it, yes
In their reflection, there is nothing, yes

On a long stretch of road, a vehicle
Is beginning to halt to a dead stop
It yearns for something more, something that was
Once held so dearly, but now is forgot

This was great! I'm not very skilled at poetry, so I admire anyone who can write it. I really liked the imagery you used, it provokes a good sense of emotion. I liked this!

Originally Posted by Antigone

This was great! I'm not very skilled at poetry, so I admire anyone who can write it. I really liked the imagery you used, it provokes a good sense of emotion. I liked this!

Thank you !

I like it. It's well structured and my gut feeling is that if you made another poem it would be better. The poem flows a lot better than many I've read.

Originally Posted by Redthir

I like it. It's well structured and my gut feeling is that if you made another poem it would be better. The poem flows a lot better than many I've read.

Thank you; I tend to like structured poetry, or at least in regards to writing it, than free verse just because I find free verse to be much more difficult in terms of still making it sound 'good.'

Anyways, I wrote this one in unrhymed iambic tetrameter (not sure if blank verse exclusively applies to iambic pentameter)

Aphotic Wasteland

I met you downstairs beneath the
expanding haze of words and you
were only there when entropy
stayed high, leaving whenever it
started to drop, for months on end

Ended up deciding to stick
around once you figured out that
your solace was crumbling; yes, you
faltered to turn when you felt that
just not enough mind was there then

Whether turned to be genuine,
I'm not entirely sure, yet I
suspect motives remained to be
lightless, yet it remained hidden
till you wanted to present it

The sun went down for me as well
but in a different way than yours
you assisted in it's quick fall;
offering tainted advice and
taking my sanity with yours

I traveled back to the ancient
place; aphotic wasteland, there I
went, falling in the endless pit,
but you helped take away that which
would have helped catch me, so I fell-

Space

A moon knocked out of it's orbit, I drift
Far, far into dead space I slip; I know
That this, this was inevitable, yet
I still had pretended otherwise then

Sent off my course by an asteroid so
Small yet so swift, it sent me flying far
Away from that which kept me grounded, that
Which saved my sanity from it's cold fate

Simply a distant memory now, it
Seemingly only serves to remind me
Of my own constant brashness; it remains
In my mind, fragmented, as punishment

I drift wandering this empty canvas
Without a direction; I am resigned
To this, content with knowing that my days
Of bliss have long since vanished forever

Im impressed with your work..you have the spark of a poet and tend to it one day your poetry shall shine brighter than the greatest inferno.

Originally Posted by Holybelmont

Im impressed with your work..you have the spark of a poet and tend to it one day your poetry shall shine brighter than the greatest inferno.

Thanks . Hopefully, I'll be able to get the hang of it more as I go on.

Mirror

Empty glass shards remain scattered
Lingering long after it's been destroyed
In them, the dreams remain untouched
Yet no longer vivid, sepia now

The floor's been scratched beyond repair
The frame stands lonely on the marred, gray floor
Yet it still stands above the rest
The paragon of high imperfection

A wind is carried through the room
It carries bitter scents on its cold breath
The floor remains unkempt and worn
The door is closed, its cracked knob frigid now

Originally Posted by MorbidDelight

It's not alive, but charmingly dead now

ooh, i like that one.

You're very good at poetry, unlike me. Ha!

Would you mind sharing 1 of your teqniques?

Originally Posted by Sikora

ooh, i like that one.

You're very good at poetry, unlike me. Ha!

Thank you , that's very nice of you to say (not that I think I'm a good poet, lol). I'm sure your poetry is fine; how long have you been writing poetry/have you shared it on here before?

Wow, that's really flattering! Sure, I can leave you a VM on how I write (not that there's much technique to itl, lol).

Originally Posted by MorbidDelight

Thank you , that's very nice of you to say (not that I think I'm a good poet, lol). I'm sure your poetry is fine; how long have you been writing poetry/have you shared it on here before?

Wow, that's really flattering! Sure, I can leave you a VM on how I write (not that there's much technique to itl, lol).

I started Poetry a week or so ago and i'm having fun so far haha.

I'll try to do one now:

I'v been lost in this wasteland for weeks.
That one weekend partying knocked my lights out
And flies are what I eat now.
My eyes desire the sight of England
but no Royal land is in sight...

I don't know about that, definitely not the most flowing poem I made.

I try again later.

I've been lost in this wasteland for weeks (axe the period, it helps it flow better)
That one weekend partying knocked my lights out
And flies are what I eat now (see above)
My eyes desire the sight of England
but no Royal Land is in sight...

That's not bad; just a few minor things that I gave input in in bold. For some odd reason, it reminded me of something narrated by a British convict who was exiled to Australia back in olden days. Assuming, partying means committing a crime/acting restless and 'lights' means happiness. Not sure if you meant it that way, lol.

Anyways, I wrote this one in ballad verse, and it's my first (suckish) attempt at rhyming.

It

you are a child, so immature
your mind's stuck in amber
it's never going to evolve
still, you don't have anger

you are annoyed; refused my help
you tell me it's all fine
it's not matching up with your eyes
still, it's not in decline

you're lost, wanting affection now
your pleas ignored for long
it won't make it any better
still, nothing's ever wrong

you're so upset; it's not helping
you still look skyward, yes
it doesn't ever satisfy
still, you'll change your address

I've enjoyed all of these poems. You have a nice way of not directly stating things and instead using metaphors. I found Mirror to be my favorite so far.

Exhaustion

Unchanging, day after day, a sun sets
abandoning the sky so joyfully
for the safe comforts of the lifeless sea;
sinking so far into the depths of it

The sea, distraught, eagerly takes it all
and ardently convinces the pale sun
to let the azure of the sky fade; to
forget the aberrant thing instantly

Another incarnation rises far
above the hillside, bathing the field in
a soothing hue, but the same sky has learned,
at this point, not to treat it with much care

1
In here, you smile and it's set, so
it starts all over; nothing alters here,
but I
deny it, though
it's still submerged in that
bleak, bitter haze; the crisp, cold leaves
are falling to the ground, the tree
has grown so tired of the
unearthly things,
but I
don't care, as I'm in here and it's out there


2
Inside, the heavy air
surrounds us, veiling what we know,
but it's not imminent, so we don't try-
you laugh
I'm not sure why,
but I laugh anyways;
as the dim light begins
to flicker, I
try not
to notice that the taut emotions are
materializing again


3
Outside, in the cool shade, you tell it all
your promises are vivid, but
your tone's so faint; still, I
don't question, why
should I?
Even if I did, they'd just be ignored.
The fabled solitude is now delayed
again, but this time, it is sure
to finally happen,
so in this shade,
I wait

4
The screen remains
so silent; tranquil air
admonishing me, speaking of
the distant past as it starts reveling
in my
fresh turbulence;
begin to ask
why I
still even bother with this anymore;
certain melancholia of
this season constant, I-

1
Upstairs
in bed, the air
surrounding stagnated,
the window telling me it all;
the leaves begin to crisp, and it repeats
itself;
this time,
identical to the last, but I still
remain so optimistic; as
the next prepares itself,
the air begins
to stir,
and I

Decaying

In that archaic, busy square,
the buntings loiter without sound;
without an aim, their feet afire,
the sun above surrounds

That admirable fountain in
the center, empty from
the drought; decaying structure still
stands, buntings still so calm

Remaining there as swallows pass,
none question, none admit.
Their feathers singed, they loiter there,
they gaze at skies unlit

Exhaustion had a very Pink Floydy feeling to me. I loved it.

Decaying has a great structure to it. Some lines do not end at the end of the line, but rather continue on. Overall it gives it a very nice flow. It seems to go along with the name "decaying" in that it smoothly descends.

I really like It, if only for the fact that it reminds me of so many people (including myself at times). I like Exhaustion even more, and I agree on the Pink Floyd feel (I'm guessing by your picture that they inspired you)