Calendar Awards Forum Leaders List Members List FAQ
Advertisement

Reply
$ LinkBack Thread Tools
 
  #1 (permalink)   [ ]
Old 06-09-2012, 11:07 PM
Majoras Deity Majoras Deity is a male Majoras Deity is offline
Anouki
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Hyrule
View Posts: 50
Dark Pit and the Shadows

Chapter 1 Wind blew across the sky, carrying Dark Pit upward.He carried his silver bow gripping it tightly in his hands.His hair blew around,gleaming dark black.He had said goodbye to Pit after defeating Hades. Then he set out to find what he was meant to do.He had flew for what seemed like years. He then approached A steep wall, and with ease flew upward and over the wall. OW! He fell, plummeting towards the ground. Just before he hit the ground, he gave a strong stroke of his wings, stopping him just before he hit the ground. He was slightly too late late and tumbled forward.He rolled falling down the embankment. He came to a stop, and brushed off the dirt from his tunic. He dashed forward climbing up the hill with caution. As he came to the top he marveled at the horror of what he saw. A village was filled with smiling townsfolk, carelessly lollygagging around. But what disturbed him was the town. Trees were wilted, the grass was brown and houses were falling apart with animals dead all around. He tested he town by firing an arrow at it. It hit his mark bulls-eyeing the grass in front of a young man. It whizzed past his head, but the man did not even blink. "What the he-Wonderful is it not? Dark Pit turned around drawing an arrow quickly.A hand shot out turning his bow skyward.He looked at his offender, and was riddled.The mans face was young but ancient.Ha.He said casually noticing my face.It was childish yet deep. What is this?I asked.The Shadows,where your from,and with two fingers reached for me. I fought for my bow but he plunged his hand through my chest. It felt like I was being ripped from my bones. Suddenly a black hole opened in the ground.I fell through and was surrounded by darkness.
Last Edited by Majoras Deity; 06-09-2012 at 11:08 PM. Reason: Reply With Quote
  #2 (permalink)   [ ]
Old 06-11-2012, 11:58 AM
Jaime Lannister Sweden Jaime Lannister is online now
Kingslayer

Join Date: Jun 2006
View Posts: 28,450
Re: Dark Pit and the Shadows

Hey there. I just wanted to let you know that, as is, your formatting is a bit of an eyesore and may turn people off from reading it. You don't want that happening!

I'd recommend changing your post and formatting all future ones so that they appear neater to the eye.

Example:

Quote:
Chapter 1


Wind blew across the sky, carrying Dark Pit upward. He carried his silver bow gripping it tightly in his hands. His hair blew around, gleaming dark black. He had said goodbye to Pit after defeating Hades. Then he set out to find what he was meant to do. He had flew for what seemed like years. He then approached A steep wall, and with ease flew upward and over the wall.

OW! He fell, plummeting towards the ground. Just before he hit the ground, he gave a strong stroke of his wings, stopping him just before he hit the ground. He was slightly too late late and tumbled forward. He rolled falling down the embankment. He came to a stop, and brushed off the dirt from his tunic. He dashed forward climbing up the hill with caution. As he came to the top he marveled at the horror of what he saw.

A village was filled with smiling townsfolk, carelessly lollygagging around. But what disturbed him was the town. Trees were wilted, the grass was brown and houses were falling apart with animals dead all around. He tested he town by firing an arrow at it. It hit his mark bulls-eying the grass in front of a young man. It whizzed past his head, but the man did not even blink. "What the he-Wonderful is it not?" Dark Pit turned around drawing an arrow quickly. A hand shot out turning his bow skyward.He looked at his offender, and was riddled. The mans face was young but ancient. "Ha," he said casually noticing my face. It was childish yet deep.

"What is this?" I asked.

"The Shadows, where your from," and with two fingers he reached for me. I fought for my bow but he plunged his hand through my chest. It felt like I was being ripped from my bones. Suddenly a black hole opened in the ground. I fell through and was surrounded by darkness.
The most noticeable error you have is a lack of space after punctuation. Remember, there is always a space. "hello,he said" is not correct. "hello, he said" is.

For dialogue, remember proper use of commas. When more than one person is talking, you need to have it formatted so that the paragraphs are separated. Here's an example of proper dialogue formatting:
Quote:
John turned his head westward and looked at the setting sun. "I'm not ready for this," he began, "They're too strong for me."

Heather frowned and took his hand. "You'll do fine. Don't worry."
I might suggest trying to expand your vocabulary a bit. Most of your sentences begin with "he". Describing the environment and other details will make a piece of work sound less redundant.

Good luck with your future writing. :]
__________________
Last Edited by Jaime Lannister; 06-11-2012 at 12:01 PM. Reason: Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On


Advertisement

All times are GMT -5. The time now is 04:31 PM.

Copyright © 2014 Zelda Universe - Privacy Statement -