[Fanfiction] The Pony Potter Chronicles

I like it, Fluttershy! I like how you exchanged the pig tail for a green mane. Very clever.

I know it's a rip off of harry potter but I think it would make it a lot better if you changed Hogwarts to a different name like Horsesnorts or something makes it seem more like your book! I mean you've already replaced characters and changed the text might as well go a step further especially since it's a place as significant as the school she will be attending and living at! In the end though it's your book and I hate to sound like a know it all! (No pun intended) Otherwise good job on the third chapter it's shaping up to be a good read and may end up bringing some potter fans to the ponyside!

Chapter 5

Fluttershy sat about two feet away from Rarity on the train to London.
Rarity hooved through a fashion magazine, while Fluttershy stared awkwardly at the floor.
After a few more minutes of dead silence, Rarity looked up at Fluttershy.
"If I had known how terribly the Tiara's were treating you, I would've come and gotten you years earlier," Rarity said.
Fluttershy smiled. The kindness this stranger was showing was unheard of in the Tiara household.

The train pulled to a stop.
"Come on Darling," Rarity said, standing up. "This is our stop."
The two got off the train and walked down the street.
Fluttershy read through the letter again as they walked
"It says I need a cauldron, a talent and a pet if so I desire. Can we find all these in London?"
Rarity smiled. "If you know where to go."
She lead Fluttershy to an old dusty inn called "The Leaky Cauldron".
"This is such a dreadful place," Rarity whispered to Fluttershy as they walked through the door. "Let's try and get in and out as quickly as we can."
Fluttershy and Rarity walked past guests huddled around grimy wooden tables. At the back was a door with a green exit sign on it.
Suddenly, a mare holding a tray of hay fries bumped into Fluttershy. She dropped the fries all over the floor.
"Oh, I'm so sorry," Fluttershy apologized.
"Don't be," the mare said. "It was my fault."
"We don't have time for this,” Rarity said in a sing song voice.
The mare looked at Fluttershy, then to her flank.
She gasped.
"Bless my soul," she said. "It's Fluttershy!"
The whole inn went silent.
Rarity facehooved.
"Welcome back Miss Fluttershy," an old stallion said, shaking Fluttershy's hoof.
Everypony crowded around her. Another stallion tried shaking her hand, while an old mare actually tried to hug her.
"That's quite enough," Rarity said. Her horn glowed as she picked Fluttershy up with her magic.
"Look at the time! We simply must be going!" Rarity exclaimed. "Tootaloo everypony!"
She pulled Fluttershy towards the exit door and let go of her. They both walked outside.
Fluttershy breathed a sigh of relief. "Why did everypony know me in there?" Fluttershy asked.
"Because you're famous!"
"Famous? But why?"
Rarity sighed. "I'll tell you later. We have more important things to do now!"
Fluttershy looked around. The door had lead to an even smaller room barely big enough to fit Rarity and Fluttershy.
Rarity pulled out her umbrella and began tapping the bricks on the wall. She tapped nine different bricks, then put her umbrella away.
The wall began to shift. Each brick was being pushed off to the side. Soon, it formed an archway. Beyond the arch was a bustling cobblestone street.
"This is Diagon Alley!" Rarity announced.
Fluttershy gazed at the candy stores with wide eyes. She had only ever been allowed black licorice at home. Diamond Tiara took all the other sweets for herself. Fluttershy marveled at the clothing store windows. All her clothes were hand me downs from Diamond Tiara with wing holes cut out with scissors. The pet store was the most interesting place to Fluttershy though. Unlike the zoo Diamond Tiara loved to visit, the animals in the store front window looked happy and well nourished. Fluttershy wished she could afford to buy a pet.
Fluttershy then realized that not only did she lack the money to buy a pet, she lacked the money to buy anything.
"Oh, Rarity?" She asked. "How am I supposed to pay for the supplies? Are we putting it on the Tiara's credit card?"
Rarity laughed.
"Of course not. We're going to Dragon Bank! There's no safer place! Except maybe Hogwarts."
Rarity lead Fluttershy through the crowded streets towards a large white building with round columns supporting it.
Inside were rows of large desks with small reptilian creatures behind them. Fluttershy realized at once that Dragon Bank wasn't just a random name. The workers were literally dragons. They were smaller, and much younger then their soaring fire breathing counterparts, but they were dragons none the less. Their scales varied in color from red to purple to green to blue. Rarity lead Fluttershy to the furthest dragon in the large colosseum-like room.
"Ahem," Rarity coughed to get the dragon's attention.
"Yes," said the electric blue creature with shifty red eyes.
"Miss Flutterhy would like to make a withdrawal."
"I see," he said, leaning over the desk and staring down at Fluttershy. "And does Miss Fluttershy have her key?"
Rarity pulled a small gold key out of her purse and handed it to the dragon.
"Oh, and also," Rarity said, leaning in so nopony else would hear. "Celestia wants me to get you-know-what, from vault you-know-which."
Even the calm blue dragon looked a bit shaken.
"V-very well," he said.

They were lead down a series of dark tunnels by a particularly short red dragon. Vaults with large round steel doors and numbers painted on them lined each side of the cavern hallway.
"Vault 626!" The red dragon said. He took the key Rarity had given him and slid it into the lock.
The vault door sprung open, allowing Flutterhy to walk inside. The room wasn't much bigger than Fluttershy's old closet, but what was inside made Fluttershy gasp. In the center were thousands of gold coins.
"You didn't think your mum and dad would leave you with nothing, did you?" Rarity said.
Rarity helped Fluttershy scoop about twenty of the coins into a small burlap sack.
"That should last you the whole year," Rarity said.
The dragon then lead them to a barren wall.
"Vault 713!" The dragon announced.
He slid his claw along the slick cavern wall, and the wall began to morph into a door. Soon, Fluttershy was staring into a dark room with a small package in the center. Rarity picked it up with her teeth and dropped it into her purse.
"You best not tell anypony at school about this," Rarity said. "Now, let's go find your talent!"

Fluttershy wondered what kind of shop sold talents.
Rarity lead her out of the bank and to a dark corner of Diagon Alley. The shop windows were lined with cobwebs, and the door looked as though it hadn't been opened in twenty years.
"This is Granny Smith's," Rarity said, pointing at the shop with her hoof. "I'll let you go in alone. I have some business to take care of."
Fluttershy gulped and walked towards the old shop.

Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. And the hooved part still makes me smile

Looking good fluttershy! I love this so far.

Great job!

I mean, seriously - it looks brilliant so far

---------- Post added at 03:04 PM ---------- Previous post was at 03:04 PM ----------

Great job!

I mean, seriously - it looks brilliant so far

Chapter 6

The door squeaked as Fluttershy opened it. Inside were several shelfs containing random objects from wooden spoons to violins to old saddles.
In the back corner sat a bed. Underneath the covers was an old green mare with her white mane in a bun.
"Whossat!" She shouted, squinting at the light Fluttershy let in.
"Oh I'm sorry," Fluttershy stuttered. "I thought the open sign meant you were open, but I must have been mistaken. I'll just go-"
"No," the old mare said. "You came to the right place."
Her old bones creaked as she pulled herself out of bed.
"So," she said as she walked towards the front counter. "Fluttershy is it? It seems only yesterday that you're mother and father were in here finding their talents!"
"How exactly are you going to help me find my talent?" Fluttershy asked.
"Well," said the old mare. "Your talent will have something to do with your Cutie Mark."
"My what?"
"That's the mark on your flank," Granny Smith explained. "It always has something to do with your talent. So, we have to figure out what that talent is."
She stared intently at the butterflies on Fluttershy's flank.
"Butterflies are graceful creatures," Granny Smith said. "Perhaps you're a skilled dancer!"
Granny Smith turned on an old phonograph and it played a slow classical tune.
"Dance!" Granny Smith shouted hoarsely.
Fluttershy did not want to dance. Granny Smith tapped her foot impatiently, and Fluttershy decided it was best to get it over with. She stepped forward and began swaying with the music. As she tried putting her right hoof in front of her left, she tripped and fell, knocking a pair of ice skates and a potted plant off one of the many dusty shelves.
"I... I'm so sorry," Flutterhy apologized. She looked at the ground sadly.
"No, it's alright. Perhaps flying is your talent. Just like a butterfly!"
She instructed Fluttershy to fly back and forth between the shelfs. This time, Fluttershy didn't feel so awkward. She flew gracefully between the shelfs. Back and forth across the room she went. Maybe this really was her special talent.
Thud!
Fluttershy crashed full speed into one of the shelves. A bag of flour slipped off and exploded when it hit the ground.
"Apparently that isn't it either," Granny Smith said. She put her hoof to her chin in thought. "I wonder..."
She lead Fluttershy into the back room. This one was much neater, and in the corner was a cage. Granny Smith unlatched the cage door, and out hopped a rabbit.
"What a nice little bunny you have," Fluttershy cooed, and without hesitation, she scooped the small creature into her hooves. "There, there. I won't hurt you."
Granny Smith looked surprised.
"Curious," She muttered. "Very curious."
"What's curious?" Fluttershy asked, stroking the bunny's head.
"It appears your special talent it the ability to care for animals. I remember every talent I've ever helped find, and that very gift to communicate with animals on a deeper level is shared with another. Just one other. The pony who shares that talent with you is the very same one who killed your parents."
Fluttershy winced.
"You may go now Fluttershy," Granny Smith said. "And you can keep the rabbit. I have no further use for him."
Fluttershy walked out the front door and out to the street.
"Your such a little angel," Fluttershy whispered to the bunny. "In fact, I think I'll call you just that. Angel."
"Happy birthday!" Rarity exclaimed, holding out a set of dark green robes. "I was just going to buy the standard school robes, but they looked dreadful. So, I made you a new set!"
"Why thank you Rarity!" Fluttershy cried.
"Oh, it was nothing."
Fluttershy hesitated for a moment.
"Er," Fluttershy said. "Rarity? Could you tell me what really happened to my parents?"
Rarity bit her lip. "Well, alright. I'll explain it to you over lunch. Come along now. We best buy a cage for that rabbit first."

Huzzah! I like how Rarity makes new robes for Fluttershy because she doesn't like the old ones. Will that play a part later on in the story?

Probably not. Fluttershy will just have really nice robes

Thought I'd ask.

Chapter 7

Rarity insisted on the most expensive restaurant in Diagon Alley for lunch. A pony with buck teeth and a black tuxedo lead them to a table in the far corner.
"Rarity?" Fluttershy asked after they ordered. "What really happened to my parents?"
Rarity was clearly uncomfortable. She avoided eye contact and tapped her hooves restlessly.
"What you must understand," she said. "Is that not all ponies are good. Some of them go bad. A while back, a colt went as bad as they can go. His name was p... His name was p..."
Fluttershy noticed Rarity struggling to get the words out.
"Perhaps you could write it down," Fluttershy suggested.
"I haven't got a piece of parchment on me," Rarity said. "His name was Ponymort." Rarity choked on her own words.
"Ponymort?" Fluttershy echoed.
Rarity covered Fluttershy's mouth with her hoof. She glanced at the other tables to make sure nopony else heard.
"Don't say it!"
"Sorry," Fluttershy apologized.
"You-know-who," Rarity continued, "Wanted to rule all of ponykind. Anypony who opposed him ended up dead. One night, he went to pay your parents a visit. They fought against him. He killed your parents, but when he tried doing the same to you, his spell backfired."
"W-what happened to him?" Fluttershy asked shakily.
"Some say he died. I think he's still out there, too tired to carry on. But that's why you're famous. You're the filly who lived."
"Rarity?" Fluttershy asked. "Do we have to eat? I'm not that hungry."
Rarity smiled reassuringly. "Whatever you want darling. I don't like this place anyhow. It's too plain."
She lead Fluttershy out of the restaurant.

**********************

"Here's your ticket!" Rarity shouted over the noise of the bustling train station.
Fluttershy pushed along a cart with books, a small suitcase with her robes, and her rabbit cage with Angel inside.
"I simply must get going," Rarity said. "I'll see you after you get off the train. Goodbye!"
Fluttershy looked down at her ticket.
"But Rarity! This says Platform 9 3/4. There's no such place, is there?"
Fluttershy looked up an realized she was talking to nopony.

After a few minutes of mental preparation, Fluttershy gathered the courage to ask one of the conductors.
"Excuse me sir," she said to one of the stallions in uniform. "Do you know the way to Platform 9 3/4?"
"Platform 9 3/4?" He echoed. "Think you're being funny?"
He rolled his eyes and walked away.
Just when Fluttershy was ready to give up, she overheard a mare talking.
"...every year, packed with Blank Flanks..."
She looked and saw a blue pony with a brown mane leading five other ponies.
Fluttershy followed them.
They stopped at a pillar in between Platform 9 and Platform 10.
"Alright," she said. "Big Macintosh. You go first."
A red pony with red hair and freckles pushed his cart full speed into the pillar. But instead of crashing, he simply disappeared.
"Alright," the blue mare said. "Go on Pinkie!"
She looked towards a pink filly with a long curly mane.
"She's not Pinkie! I am!" Shouted a cyan pony with a messy multicolored rainbow mane.
"Sorry Pinkie," the mare said, looking towards the rainbow one.
"Only joking," she said. "I'm Dashie, not Pinkie."
The two of them laughed as they ran towards the pillar. They disappeared just as the older one had.
Fluttershy was bewildered at how anypony could confuse those two ponies, as well as how they had disappeared.
"Excuse me," Fluttershy said. "Could you tell me how to-"
"How to get onto the platform? Of course! It's Applejack's first time as well."
She motioned towards an orange filly with a brown cowgirl hat about the same size as Fluttershy.
"I'm Mrs Cake by the way," The blue mare said. "All you must do is run at the pillar between Platforms 9 and 10. Go ahead!"
She gently nudged Fluttershy.
Fluttershy took off in a full speed trot. She braced herself for the pain that tends to occur when you hit a brick wall, but instead, she found herself in an entirely different train station. She looked around and noticed the signs on the walls.

Platform 9 3/4

Wonderful. Absolutely wonderful.

Also I would like you to know I've been reading this in a British accent.

There I am! I'm happy now

Originally Posted by Princess Luna

Wonderful. Absolutely wonderful.

Also I would like you to know I've been reading this in a British accent.

Probably cause I've been writing it in a British accent

Originally Posted by Fluttershy

Probably cause I've been writing it in a British accent

Touche.

Chapter 8

Fluttershy pressed her forehead against the cold glass window. She felt the Hogwarts Express's smooth vibrations as it glided along the barren country side.
Suddenly, she heard the compartment door slide open.
"Do you mind if I sit here?" Asked the filly with the cowgirl hat and the thick southern accent. "Everywhere else is full."
"Go right ahead," Fluttershy said.
She took the seat across from Fluttershy, then held out her hoof in greeting.
"I'm Applejack by the way."
Fluttershy shook her hoof.
"I'm Fluttershy."
Applejack's eyes went wide.
"S-so it's true then," she stuttered. "I mean, d-do ya really have the cutie mark?"
Fluttershy smiled and twisted herself around to show her cutie mark.
The compartment door slid open yet again. This time, an older mare with an apron stood pushing a cart of sweets.
"Anything off the trolly dears?"
Applejack forced a smile and held up a ripe red apple. "No thanks. I'm all set."
Fluttershy reached into her burlap sack and pulled out a few gold coins, or "Galleons" as Rarity had called them. "We'll take the lot!"

***************

Fluttershy had never heard of Pumpkin Pasties or Birdie Botts Beans, but she decided that the sweets special ponies were accustom to was worlds better than what Diamond Tiara ate.
"Those are Chocolate Frogs," Applejack explained.
Fluttershy gasped. "They aren't real frogs, are they?"
"Of course not. It's just a unicorn spell. Besides, it's the cards you want. Each one has a famous mare or stallion."
Fluttershy opened the miniature cardboard wrapping and out popped a chocolate frog. It leapt onto the window, and before Fluttershy could do anything about it, out the window.
"That's lousy luck," Applejack said. "I reckon they only got one good jump to start with."
Fluttershy reached into the box and pulled out the card that came with the frog.
On it was a picture of a tall white Alicorn with a rainbow mane.
"I got Celestia," Fluttershy exclaimed.
"I have 'bout six of her," Applejack said.
Fluttershy noticed a small cage on top of Applejack's luggage.
"That's Winona," Applejack said, pointing towards the small brown and white dog sitting inside. "She's sorta a family pet. This is my first year taking care of her. Pinkie and Dashie say he can roll over, but I've never seen it."
Applejack pulled the dog out of the cage and set him on top.
Once again, the compartment door slid open. A purple unicorn with a dark violet mane stood there. She wore long black robes with blue lining. She was about the same age as Applejack and Fluttershy.
"Excuse me?" She said. "Have either of you seen a toad? A filly named Ditzy lost one."
Fluttershy and Applejack shook their heads.
"Oh, is that your dog? Is caring for animals your special talent?"
"As a matter of fact," Applejack said. "My special talent is apple bucking."
"That sounds nice," she said without too much enthusiasm. She turned to look at Fluttershy. "Holy cricket! You're Fluttershy! I'm Twilight Sparkle."
She turned back to Applejack. "And you are?"
"Applejack," Applejack said with a mouthful of pumpkin pastie.
"Charmed," she said. "You two should change into your robes. I suspect we'll be arriving soon."
She walked out of the compartment.
Applejack began mumbling something as she pulled some long tattered robes out of her suitcase.
"She seemed nice," Fluttershy said as she threw on her custom made black and green robes.
"Nice?" Applejack spat. "Smug is more like it."
The train screeched to a halt and Applejack looked at all the remaining sweets.
"Whadd'ya reckon we should do with these?" Applejack asked.
"You can keep them," Fluttershy said. "I've never had much of a sweet tooth anyways."
Applejack started scooping the candies into her suitcase. "Y'know, you're a really nice gal Fluttershy. Some ponies who are famous get big heads."
Fluttershy smiled.
The two of them stepped off the train together with loads of other fillies and colts. Most of them were older than Fluttershy and Applejack. They were standing on a boarded walkway under the night sky. A few feet away, Fluttershy could see the chilly black surface of a lake. There were too many trees in the way for Fluttershy to see further than that.
"First years follow me!"
Fluttershy instantly recognized Rarity's voice.
"Oh, there you are Fluttershy darling," Rarity said. She looked at Applejack and bit her lip. She clearly didn't approve of the cowgirl hat or the hand me down robes. "And your friend. How wonderful."
Rarity lead the first years down a wooden walkway towards the lake.
"Wait til ya see the school," Applejack whispered. "I hear it's really somethin!"
Fluttershy wasn't sure how much more "somethin" she could take in one day.

Just to let you know, the first time I read Fluttershy showing AJ her cutie mark I had it in my head she was mooning her and I cracked up.

Brilliant, but there are two things I would like to bring up:
1) After calling Winona a she, you go on to use him.
2) That random capitalized the in the middle of your first sentence of the second part.

Other then that, brilliant.

I fixed both the mistakes. Thanks for pointing them out.

Originally Posted by Fluttershy

I fixed both the mistakes. Thanks for pointing them out.

No problem. That's what I'm here for.