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Old 07-09-2010, 10:49 PM
sarah henry sarah henry is a female United States sarah henry is offline
I shall take a chip..... AND EAT IT!!!
Join Date: Apr 2010
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Red face The Legend of Zelda: The New Age

PROLOGUE:
this is a new day, age, and story.

everything is different. all of hyrule`s legends are as mere children`s bedtime stories. after link, the hero of twilight, saved hyrule from and eternal darkness, this ancient kingdom went into a golden age of justice, peace, and truth. everything changed, such as technology, education, and laws. as everything got better for the new kingdom, every legend began to fade from history.

the spirits who had left the world from those dangerous times became angered. but as they did not know those legends would soon be reborn and relived.......


hope nobody locks this i know its short i wantto know if people like it first. im just testing new waters so please help me out
Last Edited by sarah henry; 07-09-2010 at 11:00 PM. Reason:
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Old 07-10-2010, 01:14 AM
Future of Twilight Future of Twilight is a male New Zealand Future of Twilight is offline
Deku Scrub
Join Date: Jun 2010
View Posts: 12
Re: The Legend of Zelda: The New Age

Its definitely a start LinkHenry, but you need to develop this further to get a proper justified opinion on it. What you have suggested is a background for a story that hasn't yet been explored in the Zelda series., and because of this nobody is currently going to understand how the story will emerge. You will need more than a paragraph to capture the reader's attention.

From the paragraph you have provided, I can still determine a few pointers though. The first thing is that you need to look into your grammar a bit. A fan fiction is usually an extended piece of writing, so the reader will appreciate it if the passages are all orderly, making it much easier to read and understand. You need to capitalise the first letter of the first word of each sentence, to help show where one sentence ends and the next begins. Also you need to proofread your work after it is finished. I have noticed a few mistakes probably made in haste such as "saved hyrule from and eternal darkness" rather than an. Also "this ancient kingdom went into a golden age of justice". I don't really like the use of the word this here, as the previous clause does not explain which kingdom you are talking about in particular.

I would have written it as: After Link, the hero of twilight, saved the ancient kingdom of Hyrule from an eternal darkness, the land entered a golden age of peace, justice and truth. I feel the reader will understand it better this way.

However your ideas and style show a lot of promise. You use simile right from the second sentence, and replace basic words with emotive language (such as "fade from history" instead of "everybody forgot about them". These both point to the potential for an interesting tale to be told.

To help with the grammar, I would recommend using a program like Word, as it will automatically correct you or point out mistakes in grammar, or incorrect use of words as well as typos.

I look forward to checking in on this when you have some more to display
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Old 07-10-2010, 01:34 AM
Ymirida Ymirida is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2009
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Re: The Legend of Zelda: The New Age

Quote:
Originally Posted by LinkHenry333 View Post
PROLOGUE:
this is a new day, age, and story.

everything is different. all of hyrule`s legends are as mere children`s bedtime stories. after link, the hero of twilight, saved hyrule from and eternal darkness, this ancient kingdom went into a golden age of justice, peace, and truth. everything changed, such as technology, education, and laws. as everything got better for the new kingdom, every legend began to fade from history.

the spirits who had left the world from those dangerous times became angered. but as they did not know those legends would soon be reborn and relived.......


hope nobody locks this i know its short i wantto know if people like it first. im just testing new waters so please help me out
If you knew you were breaking the rules posting this, why did you bother?

Oh, and come back when you have something over 250 words.
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