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Old 06-21-2010, 06:14 PM
Fang Fang is a male United States Fang is offline
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Escaping the Shadow (T)

Escaping the Shadow
Chapter 1

As Aeignor rode around the bend the familiar sight of The Outpost came into view. He and Link met there every year at winter time to discuss the goings on of Hyrule and Middle Earth. It had been three years since Aeignor had revealed the location of Middle Earth to the king of Hyrule. Harkin and Aragorn had signed a treaty pledging loyalty and friendship. Aeignor had negotiated the treaty, but not signed it, preferring to keep his army and castle out of permanent treaties. He had signed a fifty year military alliance treaty with both countries. He and Link now rode about the two lands helping with any problems, and the people loved them for it. He was pleasantly surmised to see Link arriving at the same time. “Hello Link!” called Aeignor “Hello Aeignor.” came the response. “You seem disturbed Link.” Aeignor said with a worried look. “I am, people are reporting shadows and large black dogs running through the woods at night.” said Link in a worried tone. “Well that’s disturbing, and I thought that the year might just stay calm like it’s been. Where are the reports coming from?” “Their only coming from the Borderlands, it’s starting to get me worried Aeignor.” “Well, let us discuss it inside over a mug of cider.” “All right, your treat?” “My treat.” replied Aeignor with a smile.

Chapter 2

Over mugs of steaming cider Link and Aeignor discussed the goings on. Aeignor had been hearing reports of the shadow too. All of a sudden a group of women burst in asking for Aeignor and Link. “We are they,” said Aeignor “how can we help?” “Our children are missing and the shadows been spotted nearby,” the women were on the verge of hysteria “please help us!” “We will help you; come on Link lets saddle up!” Link and Aeignor raced in the direction the children were last spotted at, hoping that they wouldn’t be too late. When they reached the place they saw the shadow taking the children into a warp portal. “Noooo!” screamed Link but it was too late the children were gone “Aeignor can you tell where they went?” “Yes, they warped to the unknown region of the Borderlands.” “Can you warp us there Aeignor?” “Not safely, you heard that the shadow had an army of sorts, so we need reinforcements.”

Chapter 3

Adrian woke up and looked around, they were in a cave and the guards were asleep. Now was the time to escape. “Sam, Eric, Philip wake up!” he whispered urgently. “Five more minutes.” said Philip (a child of the race of Men) groggily. “No now!” said Sam as his twin Eric (both of them Hylians) and Adrian shook Philip awake. They silently crept out of the cave and into the woods, sprinting silently so as to put as much distance between them and the cave as possible. “Do you think they will come looking for us?” said Philip, the youngest in the group, as soon as they were out of ear shot. “Of course, didn’t you hear that Link and Aeignor are in the area?” said Adrian, the oldest and most cunning in the group. “Can I have a sword too Adrian?” said Sam innocently. “No, you’re too small and untrained.” said Adrian bluntly. “Oh.” said Sam disappointedly. “Let’s keep moving, we don’t want to be found by the shadow again.” said Adrian.
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Old 06-22-2010, 02:38 PM
Fang Fang is a male United States Fang is offline
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Re: Escaping the Shadow (T)

Chapter 4

“So Aeignor, who are the reinforcements you’ve chosen?” Link said impatiently. “You’ll find out soon enough, now be quiet so I can finish mapping the place!” said Aeignor, not without some heat. “Company halt!” came the cry from outside. “Finally!” said Link, exasperation evident in his voice. Link ran to the window, “The Grey Company!” Link said with a surprised tone. “Your special forces group, the best of your army! he said to Aeignor, surprise evident on his face. “Yes The Grey Company. I want some revenge on the shadow for giving me a troubled childhood, and the map can’t be completed because some force is blocking the second sight so I want a full hand of cards for this one. So let’s go save those kids!”
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Old 06-22-2010, 02:56 PM
SavageHenry SavageHenry is a male United States SavageHenry is offline
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Re: Escaping the Shadow (T)

As a fan of Zelda (obviously) and of TLotR, I was happy to see a fanfic hybrid here! Wow, Star Wars and TLotR in one day for me to read!


Anyhoo, though very short chapters, I thought this was pretty good, especially based on premise alone. I think I saw one word in there at the begining that was wrong. I believe you wrote the word "surmised" when you meant "surprised." No biggie.

Your dialoge needs to go on it's own line, not just in the paragraph. Each person speaking gets their own line. For example:

“Hello Link!” called Aeignor

“Hello Aeignor.” came the response.

“You seem disturbed Link.” Aeignor said with a worried look.

“I am, people are reporting shadows and large black dogs running through the woods at night.” said Link in a worried tone.

“Well that’s disturbing, and I thought that the year might just stay calm like it’s been. Where are the reports coming from?”

“Their only coming from the Borderlands, it’s starting to get me worried Aeignor.”

“Well, let us discuss it inside over a mug of cider.”

“All right, your treat?”

“My treat.” replied Aeignor with a smile.


One point I'd like to make about your dialogue is that there needs to be proper puctuation.

Quote:
“My treat.” replied Aeignor with a smile.
Should read:

"My treat," replied Aeignor with a smile.

It ought to be a coma, not a period, at the end of someone's speach. The exception to the coma rule is a question mark or exclamation mark. For example of those, if he was asking if it was his treat it would look like this:

"My treat?" asked Aeignor with a smile.

Or:

"My treat!" exclaimed Aeignor with a smile.


Aother thing I'd like to point out with your dialoge is what's called a "dialoge tag." That's the text or description that comes after someone says something.

Quote:
“I am, people are reporting shadows and large black dogs running through the woods at night.” said Link in a worried tone.
One of the many lessons I remember well is the dialogue tag. You don't want to merely tell the reader the tone in voice, you want the tone to be inferred by the speaker's action.

If I were to say something that made you nervous in person, I would be able to tell that you were nervous based on body language. Maybe you bite your nails or crack your fingers. The same can be said for characters in a story. For example:

Link closed his eyes for a moment and sighed heavily. “I am. People are reporting shadows and large black dogs running through the woods at night.”

Link closing his eyes for a moment and sighing heavily infers that he is not alright with it, that everything's not ok. Try to keep a mental image of your characters while they speak and what they're body language looks like. That will give your characters a more natural feel.


No more ranting from me, but I think you have a potential for a really great story and I hope you continue with it!
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Old 06-22-2010, 03:06 PM
Fang Fang is a male United States Fang is offline
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Re: Escaping the Shadow (T)

Thanks for the advice!
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Old 06-23-2010, 02:04 PM
Fang Fang is a male United States Fang is offline
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Re: Escaping the Shadow (T)

Chapter 5

Aragorn was in his office when Legolas and Gimli rushed into his office with a letter. “What is it?” asked Aragorn worriedly. “It’s a letter from Aeignor; a black shadow has kidnapped children from the Borderlands and taken them to the unknown region! The shadow has an army and he senses older and fouler beasts than the Orcs!” said Legolas quickly. “He has requested our assistance as he fears that they are planning on sacrificing the children to resurrect an army of Balrogs and Dragons! We have to help or all three kingdoms could be lost to evil!” said Gimli, exited at the prospect of a good fight. “Then let us go to his aid with a small army of Dwarves, Elves, and Men.” said Aragorn.
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Old 07-11-2010, 08:43 PM
Fang Fang is a male United States Fang is offline
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Re: Escaping the Shadow (T)

Chapter 6

“Can you see anything Adrian?” called Philip. “No, there’s still too much fog.” said Adrian. “I’m tired and hungry.” moaned Sam and Eric at the same time, an annoying habit they had because they were twins. From the stone perch on the far edge on the valley they could see for miles in all directions. The stone had only one way up or down, making it a wonderful hiding place. It was here they were camped, planning their next move, and waiting for help to arrive. But in a cave on the other side of the valley a shadow plotted and he smiled, nothing could foil his plan, but he wasn’t expecting an army to appear on his borders and that’s just what Aeignor wanted.
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Old 07-12-2010, 01:52 PM
Fang Fang is a male United States Fang is offline
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Re: Escaping the Shadow (T)

Chapter 7

The army of Hylians, Dwarves, Men, and Elves moved swiftly through the mountain range. “By my estimate we should reach the second of the five valleys in another day, past that all is a mist to me.” said Aeignor. Link looked as far as he could with his Lens of Truth, but he too couldn’t pierce the darkness. Adrian looked down through the fog and deemed that traveling south would be the fastest route home, as he could tell by the stars that they were north of their home. Adrian and his friends covered much ground, crossing two valleys, putting them within ten miles of the rescue army. Then they heard the dogs…
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Old 07-15-2010, 02:12 PM
Fang Fang is a male United States Fang is offline
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Re: Escaping the Shadow (T)

Chapter 8

They were almost out of the valley and to the next rock formation when Adrian looked back and gasped, the shadow was right behind them. A chilling howl echoed, the Hell Hounds were loose, they were doomed. All of a sudden light burst on the shadows head and chest. “Light arrows,” gasped Philip, “I thought they were just a legend.” Then men dressed in dark tunics with green cloaks attacked the Hell Hounds, the Grey Company had arrived. The sound of swords being drawn marked the death of the Hell Hounds. Suddenly a Hylian man with a red flaming blade attacked the shadow while screaming a battle cry. The shadow was quickly dismembered and killed, while in the background a Hylian dressed in green chopped a Hell Hound in half with one deft blow. Sam and Eric cheered him on, chanting “Link! Link! Link! Link!” In one more minute of fighting one hundred and fifty Hell Hounds lay dead on the ground, but only five of the five hundred soldiers. They were free….. or were they?
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Old 07-16-2010, 03:33 PM
Fang Fang is a male United States Fang is offline
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Re: Escaping the Shadow (T)

Chapter 9

Meanwhile, at the pass out of the valley, a shadow was awoken by the blood of his faithful Hell Hounds. The fire in him has awoken, and Bulomnoc, the Balrog King is back. He smiled his evil smile and roared, encouraging his 5,000 Orcs and 1,000 Hell hounds to even greater measures. The barricade was almost complete, with only twenty feet to go. The barricade was a tall wooden stockade with rock foundations, truly a barricade of massive proportions, as it measured near fifty feet high and two hundred feet long. The Balrog smirked, for each step his enemies took was a step closer to their destruction.
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Old 07-17-2010, 06:37 PM
Fang Fang is a male United States Fang is offline
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Re: Escaping the Shadow (T)

Chapter 10

The rescue of Sam, Eric, Adrian, and Philip put the army in high spirits, but less than two days into the march home, Legolas saw something that put fear into all their hearts. “There is a wall, barely visible above the tree tops, and a moving smoke; and they are immediately in front of the exit from the pass.” Legolas was saying “I believe that the Balrog has been summoned.” “But how, when the shadow has been killed?” said one of the men anxiously, voicing the army’s thoughts. “Maybe the shadow was acting under someone else,” said Link “maybe this was done by Alcaeus, the Wizzarobe. He is one of the most powerful wizards in Gannondorf’s army, second only to Gannondorf himself.” “Then both of our countries are at stake I will take the Balrog, Link you take the Wizzarobe. Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli; you can take on whatever army is there, for there will surely be one. I will send the Grey Company to flank the enemy. Aragorn if you take your army to the gates entrance, then lead them to castle rock, we can trap them between our two forces while you keep them busy.” said Aeignor, who had been deep in thought for the entire meeting. The plan, though sudden was quickly agreed upon, as Aeignor was one of the greatest strategists in all of Hyrule and Middle Earth. And so began the great Battle of the Mists.
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Old 07-19-2010, 03:47 PM
Fang Fang is a male United States Fang is offline
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Re: Escaping the Shadow (T)

Any advice on where to go from here would be welcome!
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