Apologies for the long delay, but here, finally, is my thorough list of thoughts and suggestions for your work. It may be long (dare I say nearly as long as your thread, lol), but I hope it gives you an idea of some steps you can take to become a better writer. Now, be sure to take what I say with a grain of salt; it is opinion of my own making, nothing more. I in no way intend to demean or overly-criticize -- I'm here to help you improve!
First, let's tackle the basics: structure and form. I saw few grammar issues, mostly those that Ezlo mentioned, so just keep an eye out for those little typo buggers.
The biggest thing I can recommend here is to limit the word "was" as much as possible. It's such a weak word, and it truly undermines the epic feel. Just think of "was" as meaning "used to be/is no longer", versus the thought that it did exist at the time and is still semi-tangible. I know it can be hard, as the word is permanently ingrained into the English lexicon, but it really can boost a work's appeal when you use it sparingly.
Crude example:
Quote:
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The night was cool and calm, the sky a dark blue blanket spotted with sparkling diamonds. It was these kinds of nights that often brought the princess of Hyrule to the gardens for a midnight walk. Though, on this night, it was not the only motivation for her absence of sleep.
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And a reworked version:
Quote:
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The cool night lay calm, the sky a dark blue blanket spotted with sparkling diamonds; the kind of nights that often brought the princess of Hyrule to the royal gardens for quiet, moonlit walks. Though this night, one destined to be like no other, held ulterior motivations for her absence of sleep.
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Meh, perhaps not the best model, and had become a little more my words than yours, but I hope it paints the picture clearer for what I'm trying to say.
There were other little things, but I don't think them worthy of mentioning just yet -- this work is still in it's infancy, and will assuredly have more edits to come that will catch many of them. One thing I would suggest trying is to read your work aloud -- I find
tons more errors doing this that standard proofreading generally misses.
Next, let's peer into the flow and overall feel of the work. I think this would greatly benefit from an increased attention to detail, as the scene came off as rather blank to me. Some more subtle nuances, such as the kinds of trees, the smell of the flowers in the air, a breath of wind, or the textures of the castle walls would really flesh it out and transport the reader, which is especially paramount before jumping into the plot. I can assume these things from playing the games, but you should try to consider the non-gamer. Be the painter of the world you see, and bring it to life so we can gaze into your mirror and see the infinity beyond.
Your pacing moves a little fast, though that is good because it rolls right into an action scene; it promotes confusion and creates a sense of urgency. Though I'd just say be wary and make sure that we don't become too sparse in our storytelling.
You also have really good word rotation, which kept my mind moving and avoided staleness. Nice work!
Everything considered, I must concur with Ezlo, in that I deem this early entry into this tale to be worthy of a
level III stamp:
That's a great start for something on the cusp of an outset. You have a decent skeleton building here, and seem to have the drive to push for that higher standard, so keep writing, continue to expand and explore, and I think you have some great opportunity to do well!
If you have any questions/comments/hate-mail, just send it my way.
- DB
04-21-2010, 03:42 PM
The Legend of Zelda: A Broken Link 
A combination of everything so far. 
Doran's Review 
