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Old 04-21-2010, 03:42 PM
LinkOfOath LinkOfOath is a male United States LinkOfOath is offline
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Exclamation The Legend of Zelda: A Broken Link

Please read the full version Below. That way, everything is kept neatly together. thank you
Last Edited by LinkOfOath; 05-27-2010 at 06:16 PM. Reason: Reply With Quote
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Old 04-23-2010, 11:04 AM
Double-0-Snake Double-0-Snake is a male United Kingdom Double-0-Snake is offline
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Re: The Legend of Zelda: A Broken Link

Sounds good and nothing like the original. Far more well written, I'm looking forward to the next bit? Will any of the plot be the same roughly? That was a good plot, pity it wasn't original,with the whole Inuyasha stuff.
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Old 04-30-2010, 02:04 PM
Double-0-Snake Double-0-Snake is a male United Kingdom Double-0-Snake is offline
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Re: The Legend of Zelda: A Broken Link

I understand that. If you ask me though, it's massive parargraphs you want to avoid. They're eyesores.
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Old 05-12-2010, 04:11 PM
twilian twilian is a female Canada twilian is offline
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Re: The Legend of Zelda: A Broken Link

This story has undergone a great change. I quite enjoy it now and appreciate it's originality.
I look forward to it's following chapters
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Old 05-26-2010, 02:28 PM
twilian twilian is a female Canada twilian is offline
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Re: The Legend of Zelda: A Broken Link

Squeeeee! :3
I got so excited when I saw this finally posted!
It's sounding great so far, I can't wait to find out what happens next ^^
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Old 05-27-2010, 02:23 AM
Dsalex Dsalex is offline
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Re: The Legend of Zelda: A Broken Link

It starts off fast which is always good
although while I know its in The Ocarina of time chapters I'm confused as to the timeline
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Old 05-27-2010, 05:40 AM
EzloSpirit EzloSpirit is a male United States EzloSpirit is offline
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Re: The Legend of Zelda: A Broken Link

This is pretty good! I love your descriptions and your detailed action scene! There are a few mechanical issues in here, mostly involving possession (you tend to leave out apostrophes in apostrophe-s's), but other than those, this is a pretty good fanfic! A point of concern that doe not involve the story itself is that you should keep chapters together in a single post, or else 1) it is difficult to keep the suspense while people are looking for the next part and 2) people have to look for the next part. Great work otherwise! I'd love to read more!

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Last Edited by EzloSpirit; 05-27-2010 at 05:40 AM. Reason: Reply With Quote
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Old 05-27-2010, 06:07 PM
twilian twilian is a female Canada twilian is offline
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Re: The Legend of Zelda: A Broken Link

I read that last bit earlier today but didn't have time to comment.
I liked the ending of that bit, thought the paragraph itself was kind of short.
Like EzloSpirit said, try keeping your chapters together, it's easier to read that way ^^
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Old 05-27-2010, 06:11 PM
LinkOfOath LinkOfOath is a male United States LinkOfOath is offline
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Post A combination of everything so far.

It has been a year since Gannondorf, proclaimed King of Evil, was sealed away by the efforts of the Hero of Time and the six sages. Since that time, Hyrule has enjoyed peace and the Hero Of Time has stood as a beacon of light and hope as well as a warning to those who might befoul the kingdom with their malicious intentions. However, even in the faintest shadows there are whispers. Whispers of vengeance...whispers of a simmering evil that gathers in the shadows of the alleyways...A dark storm is coming...An ancient beast has awoken from its slumber. The time of vengeance is at hand...


The Legend of Zelda: A Broken Link


One: Assault

The night was cool and calm, the sky a dark blue blanket spotted with sparkling diamonds. It was these kinds of nights that often brought the princess of Hyrule to the gardens for a midnight walk. Though, on this night, it was not the only motivation for her absence of sleep.

The blond haired princess walked about with a certain grace that would stop a mans heart at a first glance. Her face,usually bright and smiling, was troubled and pale. The moonlight cast an eerie glow down upon her, that, in her pearly white gown, made her more as ghost than a princess.

"Where are you, Link?" Zelda whispered softly.
The princess's eye's raked the pale gardens for any sign of the hero and again she found nothing.

Where is he?

A sudden shuffling nearby made her head turn and she looked over her shoulder just in time to see something crash through the bushes and stumble onto the cobbled pathway. The figure groaned and quickly got to its feet. The princess held back a laugh, for she knew who it was. There was only one person in the whole world that stumbled around like that during a imperative time to be quiet.

"You know, you could have used the door." Zelda said calmly, still trying not to laugh at the thorn covered Link rising to his feet.

The Hero of Time dusted himself off and pulled the too many thorns free of his tunic.

"I swear, your lucky the whole castle didn't hear you" Zelda said somewhat teasingly

Link frowned and made a brief complaint about the door.

"Link, the door was unlocked" Zelda said wisely, "I purposefully left it unlocked for you...So you wouldn't have to climb over the wall.

Link frowned and briefly looked back at the door a little ways down the pathway behind him, then shook his head.

"There was...something that I wanted to discuss with you...Its my dreams." Zelda said cautiously, watching Link's face for his reaction.

The hero's brow furrowed and he gave the princess a look of complete attention.

"Link, I believe that there may be-"

The princess words were suddenly cut short by the sound of an earsplitting scream of terror.

Link whirled around, looking for any nearby danger. Zelda pulled out the small knife hidden beneath her sleeve, "I was afraid of this."

"MONSTER!" A female voice screamed.

Link looked back over his shoulder at the princess, who nodded in silent agreement, then he turned and bolted down the pathway, to the castle door.

Link stumbled in through the doorway, his sword only halfway drawn out. The sounds of the woman's scream came again and once more he took off, bounding down the large and dimly lit hallway, his feet thudding off the red carpet laid along it.

The screams took him around corners and spiraling up stairs until finally he stumbled right into a room where a maid stood pale faced and terrified, her body literally trying to mold itself with the wall behind her.

In front of her, towering on two large feet, was a ugly dog creature. When it saw Link it snarled in a fury and launched itself at him.

He only had barely enough time to step out of the way as the beast flew at him. It crashed through the door and quickly stood again once more.

Link brought his blade to the front and turned his eyes to the creatures feet. All the time of training with Navi had payed off, and link knew exactly what to do when a large claw came rushing at his head. He ducked, turned on his heel and spun. His blade whistled through the air, arcing around and slitting open the creatures chest.

The thing, whatever it was, howled in agony and made a quick swipe a links arm. The hit had been too quick to block and link grimaced as pain lanced along his arm and blood dripped on the floor.

Then it happened. There was a voice in the back of his mind..a sharp hard voice, one full of venom and pure malice...

Oh, look who wants to play...I'm sure you were paying attention to your little princess while you were playing with my pet...

in the background...Link heard an all too familiar voice...scream.

The sound caught him off guard and the icy presence pressing in on the walls of his mind made his head spin. This was a force of power he had never known...

Suddenly, something whipped across his chest, bringing a terrible searing pain. A massive force slammed into him, tossing him across the room and smashing into a large oak bookshelf.

Link groaned and made an effort to get to his feet...but the best got him first. It grabbed him by his neck and lifted him clear off the ground, snarling viciously with its maw inches from his face. He could see anger burning in its small red eyes, an anger that stretched long into the depths of insanity.

The creatures hot breath washed over his face and in the distance he heard the princess scream. He struggled with his free arm and the beast in turn sunk his teeth into it. Link howled in pain and struggled even more.

He wasn't going to die here...not here...not like this...
This is everything so far. note, I will be touching up on it for a bit, rewording a few things. However, I am very active with this story now. So i will have more up later today. No more split up chapters either. :3
Last Edited by LinkOfOath; 05-27-2010 at 06:20 PM. Reason: Reply With Quote
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Old 05-29-2010, 08:51 PM
Doran_Bladefist Doran_Bladefist is a male United States Doran_Bladefist is offline
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Thumbs up Doran's Review

Apologies for the long delay, but here, finally, is my thorough list of thoughts and suggestions for your work. It may be long (dare I say nearly as long as your thread, lol), but I hope it gives you an idea of some steps you can take to become a better writer. Now, be sure to take what I say with a grain of salt; it is opinion of my own making, nothing more. I in no way intend to demean or overly-criticize -- I'm here to help you improve!

First, let's tackle the basics: structure and form. I saw few grammar issues, mostly those that Ezlo mentioned, so just keep an eye out for those little typo buggers.

The biggest thing I can recommend here is to limit the word "was" as much as possible. It's such a weak word, and it truly undermines the epic feel. Just think of "was" as meaning "used to be/is no longer", versus the thought that it did exist at the time and is still semi-tangible. I know it can be hard, as the word is permanently ingrained into the English lexicon, but it really can boost a work's appeal when you use it sparingly.

Crude example:
Quote:
The night was cool and calm, the sky a dark blue blanket spotted with sparkling diamonds. It was these kinds of nights that often brought the princess of Hyrule to the gardens for a midnight walk. Though, on this night, it was not the only motivation for her absence of sleep.
And a reworked version:
Quote:
The cool night lay calm, the sky a dark blue blanket spotted with sparkling diamonds; the kind of nights that often brought the princess of Hyrule to the royal gardens for quiet, moonlit walks. Though this night, one destined to be like no other, held ulterior motivations for her absence of sleep.
Meh, perhaps not the best model, and had become a little more my words than yours, but I hope it paints the picture clearer for what I'm trying to say.

There were other little things, but I don't think them worthy of mentioning just yet -- this work is still in it's infancy, and will assuredly have more edits to come that will catch many of them. One thing I would suggest trying is to read your work aloud -- I find tons more errors doing this that standard proofreading generally misses.

Next, let's peer into the flow and overall feel of the work. I think this would greatly benefit from an increased attention to detail, as the scene came off as rather blank to me. Some more subtle nuances, such as the kinds of trees, the smell of the flowers in the air, a breath of wind, or the textures of the castle walls would really flesh it out and transport the reader, which is especially paramount before jumping into the plot. I can assume these things from playing the games, but you should try to consider the non-gamer. Be the painter of the world you see, and bring it to life so we can gaze into your mirror and see the infinity beyond.

Your pacing moves a little fast, though that is good because it rolls right into an action scene; it promotes confusion and creates a sense of urgency. Though I'd just say be wary and make sure that we don't become too sparse in our storytelling. You also have really good word rotation, which kept my mind moving and avoided staleness. Nice work!

Everything considered, I must concur with Ezlo, in that I deem this early entry into this tale to be worthy of a level III stamp:


That's a great start for something on the cusp of an outset. You have a decent skeleton building here, and seem to have the drive to push for that higher standard, so keep writing, continue to expand and explore, and I think you have some great opportunity to do well!

If you have any questions/comments/hate-mail, just send it my way.

- DB
Last Edited by Doran_Bladefist; 05-29-2010 at 08:52 PM. Reason: Reply With Quote
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