June Writing Contest! Results!

I know, I know, the results thread is a little bit late. But, you know how it is, Mr Spork's got to watch his late-night TV and he informed me that he stumbled on a webcomic that's been going for many years and he just had to trawl through its archives. He's up to comic number 1343!

So, I'm here to do the hard work of announcing the results of the June Writing Contest!


Runner-Up


Excerpt for Highland Wars III: Revenge of the Scots


By SacredSturgeon




What follows is an excerpt from Highland Wars III: Revenge of the Scots, a completely historically accurate account of the Wars of Scottish Independence (or some other conflict where the Scots and English were very angry at each other).

Chapter the five-and-twentieth

In which Lord William sallies forth from his castle and defeats the English besiegers


“I don’t think we can last much longer, my lord” Robert said. “We’ve run out of just about anything remotely edible.”
“Ye must be daft, laddie,” Williams said. “We hae enough food to last us fer ages.”
“Well we’ve been under siege for ages.”
“Only since September, laddie.”
“That’s September, fifteen years ago.”
William drank the contents of a whiskey bottle, then threw it out of the window. It had been the sixth bottle he had drank today, which displeased him greatly as before supplies became scarce he would’ve usually been at his tenth bottle by this time of day.
“I’m afraid we have no choice, my lord,” Robert said. “We must eat our bagpipes.”
“Never! These bagpipes symbolize all we stand fer! Me father’s father hae decreed tha no bagpipes shall ever be eaten in the house o’ the Clan o’ the McGlaswegians, an’ I stand by tha!”
“Maybe we should just surrender,” Robert suggested.
“Surrender? A true Scotsman never surrenders! We’re braver than tha! There’s a reason there’s a song called Scotland the Brave! Sing it with me! Ruuuuule, Scotland, Scoootland rule the waaaaves, Scooooootland always-always-always wiiiiill beee braaave!”
“That’s just Rule, Britannia! with slightly altered lyrics!”
“Well anyway, if our supplies can run out so can those o’ the enemy. Eventually they’ll just hae to go home ‘n retreat.”
“They get resupplied on a regular basis.”
“Ach, ‘t would be nice if I hae known tha earlier so I could hae taken tha into account when I was makin’ me plans to get through this siege.”
“So do we give in now?”
“Aye. We hae lost, an’ there’s nothing we can do about it.”

“Ay Englishmen!” William shouted. “C’mere, ye bloody pansies!”
The British commander, Edward Duke of Crumpetshire and Third Earl of Grey, came from his tent to meet William.
“So, you’ve come to surrender, haven’t you?” Edward said.
“Aye.”
“Very well. All I ask is that you comply with out simple demands. First of all, you shall swear loyalty to the English Crown.”
“Aye, if I hae to.”
“Secondly, all people on your lands are to be evicted and replaced by sheep.”
“Aye.”
“Thirdly, the sound of bagpipes shall never again echo across these lands.”
“’Tis sad indeed tha it hae come to this, but I hae no choice but to agree.”
“And finally, we’re thinking of placing a tax of one penny on every litre of whiskey.”
William’s blow to Edward’s face was fast and powerful.
“Nobody takes away me whiskey!” he said, and he grabbed a bottle and downed its contents.
“RAAAAAAGE!”
The English were now rushing at William from all sides.

Robert and Andrew were looking at the scene from the window.
“Well, he’s a goner,” Robert said.
“I call dibs on his room!” Andrew said.
“Damn you,” Robert replied.

In the mean time, the English were getting pounded.
“Nothing can beat a drunken Scotsman!” William screamed. “WRAAAAAGH!”
Finally, the English retreated. Many were driven into nearby Loch Haggis, few managed to escape with their lives.

Scotland’s independence had been saved, for now.

Winners


And in a twist that speaks to the quality of the entries we received, there is a tie for first!

Excerpt from 'Mercy Dash 3: The Vengeance of Revenge'


by Mr Spork



The jet-ski landed with a splash and, with the throttle at full, shot across the waves. Agent Dashington looked back over his shoulder at the warehouse that was now fully ablaze. How could he be so blind? It should have been obvious that Agent Sexanova had been playing both sides from the beginning. His attention returned to the front of his vehicle as the air filled with the deafening sound of a helicopter's rotors. It was one of Kilmaster's attack squadron, fitted out with all the heavy weaponry his illegal crocodile-smuggling empire could afford. The helicopter's machine guns opened with a barrage of bullets. Dashington weaved in and out of the fire. The occasional bullet clanged off the jet-ski, sending sparks flying as the International Secret Agent looked for a solution. His eyes lit up as he saw a speed-boat in front of him.

The helicopter flew ahead and turned around, facing Dashington's jet-ski. The speed-boat was between them. At full speed, Dashington flipped a switch to activate the customised jet-ski's missile launcher. He fired a missle directly at the speed-boat. It rocketed through the air as the couple on the speed-boat jumped clear. KABOOM! It struck the speed-boat causing it to capsize. The jet-ski powered forward, the helicopter let loose a volley of violent vengeance. The jet-ski hit the exposed underside of the speedboat. It acted as a ramp and the jet-ski flew through the air towards the helicopter. Dashington drew his pistol and fired at the windows on the front of the helicopter. They shattered just in time as he leapt off the jet-ski towards the helicopter. He flew through the open window, rolling as he landed on the floor of the aircraft's interior. The jet-ski crashed in to the front of the helicopter, causing the chopper pilot to lose control momentarily.

But it was just the moment Dashington needed. He unfastened the pilot's restraints and pulled the henchman's parachute cord. The parachute was sucked outside of the helicopter through the window due to the difference in air pressure and immediately found itself entangled in the rotors. The henchman was wrenched out of the helicopter and into the blades. A red mist filled the air.

“No need to feel chopped up about it,” he said to no one in particular as he took the pilot's seat.

A voice came over the radio in the helicopter, “You're proving to be quite bad for business. I have something that might make you think twice about what you're doing.”
“Kilmaster,” Dashington spat the word. “I already know about Agent Sexanova.”
“Oh, no, you misunderstand,” Kilmaster paused. “...seat warmers, leather interior, and, let's see...five cup holders. And a number of customizations from your organisation of course. It would be a shame for Betsy to come to any harm.”

And that's when Agent Dashington got mad.

“Kilmaster,” said Agent Dashington. “Expect the killing of you...by me...”


Last Night


by candc32


After last night all Mark wanted to do was sleep and drink, but he could not afford to miss work, the rent was due this pay check, and he could barely afford food. After his shower, he got dressed and went toward the stairs; a yummy smell hit him like a wall as he walked down. He walked into the kitchen eggs, bacon, and sausage, popped and sizzled on the various skillets, bread toasting in the toaster oven. His wife was calm and collected running around the kitchen, where he would have been frantic and scattered. When he saw all the food, he thought to himself: we can’t afford all this cooking.

“Good morning honey,” said Mary, his wife.

“What are you doing?”

“Well last night you were complaining so much about what happened,” she began, “so I thought a nice big breakfast would make you feel better.”

“Honey, we lost all that money because of me,” he said with shame, “if I had--”

“What happened doesn’t matter,” she interrupted.

He looked at her. He couldn’t believe his ears. Was she serious? All the money he lost, and it doesn’t matter?

“I lost one hundred thousand dollars,” he yelled then picked up a plate and tossed it at the wall, “what the **** do you mean it doesn’t matter?”

“Listen,” she said calmly, “we can make the money back, now please calm down.”

“No, it’s not alright,” he said with rage, “be mad at me, I pissed away our life savings,” he calmed for a second and cried, “please be mad at me.”

She stood over him, and looked down, her fists clinched and her face angry. She hit him, and hit him again.

“What is your problem,” she said angrily she hit him one more time, “I have been cleaning peoples disgusting houses, for fifteen years, while you go to your fancy desk in your fancy office, in that fancy building, and what do you do all day, look at pictures of girls and you judge them on their beauty and boobs, you make me sick.”

She slapped him, he cried, but she did not care, she turned around and grabbed a skillet. She dumped out the bacon, “you are a terrible person,” she said then readied to hit him with the skillet.

“I’m sorry,” he cried.

This infuriated her, she scowled and swung. The hot skillet contacted his face, he screamed. She looked at what she had wasted her life on; she dropped the skillet as he continued to cry on the ground. After a minute she left him, and walked up stairs.



The winners and runner-up will have their banners sent to them via PM very shortly.

Let's not forget our other fantastic entries though, the voting was very close!

Mindreaders by Gikinko and Ice Queen by yours truly, Gold, put up some fierce competition.

I hope we'll see all of you, and even more entrants, back for the next competition starting very soon! Tell your friends about it!

Congrats everyone!

Ooh, got second place. :>

(Though only because Sporky and candc32 tied. Ah well, I still get the banner. :3 )

Congrats to the winners and to all the participants for doing an awesome job. :>


I should've totally gotten first place. Stupid jerks just don't recognise quality when they see it. *mutters*

:O, I won, tied, holy crap!!!! hooray!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! congrats to everyone who entered and voted !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

wait a minute, that means I get to pick things, right? *checks pm* hmm I've got some thinking to do!!!!

A big thumbs-up to all the writers! I had fun reading the entries, though it was too late to vote. =(

ok I know what all the stuff is going to be for July contest should I post them here or pm them to Gold or Mr. Spork?

Hmm...send it via PM, candc32. That way, it'll be a surprise when the next contest starts up! Congratulations to everyone and it was a brilliant turn-out, everyone's entries were fantastic. I can't wait to see the entries for the next contest, and hopefully, there'll be even more pieces of writing to read!

well, I've submitted the next theme and style, good luck!

Congrats all. I can't wait to see what the theme for July is.

Yay!!!! candc32 must be happy (:

=/ it wasnt just me that won, ol' Sporky and I tied