Pick 'n' Shred

Welcome one and all to a new and exciting feature of the ZUEH, "Pick and Shred!" The purpose of this thread is for council members to offer advice on writing, style, and the like of posts around the Battle Arena, in complete and total brutal honesty.

People who wish to have their posts "shredded" (the first instance, and a fine example, is down below) may submit a link to the post, and I, or another member of the council, will look it over, and shred it for you. Do not expect an immediate occurance of this, especially if lots of people want our opinions. I plan on doing two or three per week, though I can't guarantee that. For the sake of easy reading of things here, I think it would be best to submit your posts to be shredded in the OoC thread.

(Council members, consult with Olmec on the specifics of the operation, which is subject to change.)

Note that comments and suggestions given in a shredding are not absolute necessary facts, nor to I think you should change a post after it has been shredded. It is more of a thing to look at, and keep in mind for future writing. Always seek to improve, but don't forget where you came from.

It is also important to note that not everyone shares the same styles, and that creates some interesting things, such as my opinion that ultra-long posts aren't really roleplay (such as the first instance), and so I treat it as analysing a story, rather than a RP post (though, I will still comment to that effect).

So, then, without further ado... the first shining example of a Shredded Post.

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Hello, and welcome to the shredding of a recent post by Wielder of the Sword. The purpose of this exercise is many-sided: I will share my views and opinions of writing style (I'll largely be ignoring the fact that this is simply a single post in a multi-person RP, though not completely), as well as share my knowledge & understanding of proper formatting for such writing. For the sake of not having head explodey, I shall break this down by paragraph. Wots' paragraph, followed by everything I have to say about it, and so on.

The uninvitingly metallic-gray, stainless steel halls of the underground base issued a hollow “clank” with each of the dragon-man’s booted footfalls. His eyes were locked almost sightlessly ahead, paying little heed to Terrin Tankira, who followed closely. The elf’s eyes flicked curiously around the massive structure as they traveled deeper into the base’s core. The tastelessness of these endless, merging corridors didn’t bother Drake; the underground, city-sized base was his home, however restricting. Topside and the holosims provided ample exercise anyhow.

• The uninvitingly metallic-gray, stainless steel halls of the underground base issued a hollow “clank” with each of the dragon-man’s booted footfalls. Personally, I'd start this sentence with "The uninviting stainless steel halls.." rather than what you say. It conveys the same meaning (stainless steel is shiny grey), and is far shorter.
• His eyes were locked almost sightlessly ahead, paying little heed to Terrin Tankira, who followed closely. "almost sightlessly" is unnecessary.
• The tastelessness of these endless, merging corridors didn’t bother Drake; the underground, city-sized base was his home, however restricting. Topside and the holosims provided ample exercise anyhow. What relevence is this? Ignoring that complaint, the sentence has too much punctuation. "The Tastelessness of these seemingly endless corridors didn't bother drake, as the massive underground base was his home."

“You are fortunate to see this, Tankira,” he said unenthusiastically. “The Alliance has remained a secret from the common world for thousands of years. To meet one of its elite is a blessing, but to see one of its many hidden homes is a miracle.” He did not turn to see the man’s expression, nor did he care much. He half expected a scowl and snide rebuttal, but smiled slightly when none came.

• Actually, this is good. Though, I'd put a colon after "thousands of years," it's hardly necessary.

As the two approached an intersection, a familiar sound echoed in the dragon’s ears. “Unca Drake, Unca Drake!” A small girl wheeled around the corner and alighted on his chest—a remarkable feet, considering his size. For a girl of only seven, she was quite fast and strong. Drake laughed and crossed his arms as a seat for her, and she stared up at him through long, brunette bangs in childlike glee.

• Feat, man. Feat. Check your words.
• I think "childish" is more appropriate for this than "childlike" as it's not "like a child," it is a child.

“It is good to see you too, Terra.”

The girl giggled, eyes shining. “Fly me, fly me!” she cried excitedly.

• What? No description up there? I'm shocked, really. Maybe a smile, a withheld grimace, something?

Drake was reluctant to answer; there were more pressing matters on hand, and he needed to speak with his brother and the general urgently. With uncharacteristic fatherliness, he spoke to the child. “I’m sorry, angel, but it will have to wait. Uncle has something he needs to take care of.”

“Hmph. Never figured you for a parent,” remarked Terrin.

• Like them semicolons, eh? They are sexy, but don't use 'em so much. A plain ol' period there would be just fine.
• I think it's good to separate things like "hmph" from a sentence, though, that's just my opinion.

Drake tossed a reprimanding glance over his shoulder to see a joking smirk on his ally’s face, but quickly returned his gaze to his niece. Her lips pouted, and eyes swelled up in that irresistible way, but the dragon knew she was feigning. He chuckled lightly, but shook a finger at her. “Later, angel. Uncle needs to talk to your daddy first.”

She turned her eyes away and crossed her arms, clearly unappeased. “Oh, fine…”

• "Reprimanding" probably isn't the best word choice. I think "Drake shot a glare back at his ally, only to see a bemused smirk" or something to that effect would have been better.
• Lips don't pout. People do, with their lips. Find the right words for your meaning.
• "unappeased" does not fit. "displeased," perhaps.

“Terra! Terra, come back here!” The voice was a little high, but more amused than upset. Terrin stepped past Drake, obviously recognizing the voice.

Blitz wheeled around the corner, nearly slamming into the dragon-man, and stumbled back in surprise. “Drake! When did you get back?”

“Oh, you noticed I left?”

• Like "wheeled," don't you?
• I don't like this segment. The first line... it has no reference, I suppose the participants would understand who/what it's refering to, but for anyone else, nope. I'd just leave it out entirely.

Amy hastened behind Blitz, coming to a halt before the dragon and taking a disgruntled Terra into her own arms. But while the cleric fondly greeted her brother-in-law, the fire innate’s eyes were locked in disbelief on the elf.

“…Terrin? Is that you?” he gasped.

• Who's Amy?
• At this point, I find myself wondering, "If this is a 'roleplay,' with everyone playing their roles, why is there all this interaction with characters I know are the characters of other people? Why are you still narrating?" In that light, this whole thing should have ended paragraphs ago.

The elf grinned smugly, resting one hand on his hip and the other on his indestructible blade, the Yuthian. “Yes, I grew tired of my old look.”

Blitz laughed as his daughter leaned from her mother’s arms and hugged him. He returned the hug, but should have known she wanted something in return. “Daddy, Drake won’t fly me!” she complained. The swordsman was about to reply, but his wife spoke first.

• Why are we still going? Oh. Hmm... There will be death for this transgression, I hope.

“Come on outside, darling,” she cooed sweetly, walking down the corridor from which Drake and Terrin had come. “I’ll play with you until Drake is finished with work.”

Quickly forgetting her Uncle’s rejection, Terra squeaked in delight.

“So, what brings you here?” asked Blitz to his elven comrade as his wife and daughter disappeared from sight. “There will be a banquet in a few nights, so if you care to stay...”

Drake interrupted quickly. “Blitz, I have some bad news. Terrin and I met in a cavern where a fallen angel was aspiring to overtake the surface world. The Heavenflame was there, too.”

Blitz raised an eyebrow, genuinely interested. “…And?”

• I associate "...And?" with disinterest. Probably because I say it.
• ...walking down the corridor from which Drake and Terrin had come. "walking away down the corridor" would suffice, you know.
• Drake interrupted quickly. “Blitz, I have some bad news. Terrin and I met in a cavern where a fallen angel was aspiring to overtake the surface world. The Heavenflame was there, too.” You know, I feel a B-movie script coming on. Perhaps I'm wrong.

Terrin continued now, concern evident in his voice. “Something strange was happening to Tokumaru. He seemed borderline insane, and fought with a ferocity the likes of which I have never seen.”

“It went beyond retribution,” mused the dragon. “This was something less of vengeance, Blitz. I believe the Heavenflame Samurai may be deranged, driven mad by some internal source of power.”

Blitz tried to grasp all of this, but he could hardly imagine Tokumaru going insane. His eyes rolled downward in thought. “But…he fought against the fallen angel, didn’t he?”

Terrin nodded. “Certainly. But I agree with what your brother has said. Tokumaru is losing his mind, if he hasn’t already. Something must be done, or he may once again become that demon of ages past.” A deep-seated hate filled the caster’s green eyes, a fist clenching instinctively. “I will see no friend of mine reduced to the level of those other filthy humans.”

The fire innate scowled, one hand rubbing his forehead. “Are you guys sure about this?”

• Hah! I called it.
• I don't think "mused" is the proper word for mr. dragon man's comment. Perhaps "explained," or something. But "mused" implies he didn't think of it before, and it seems to me he did.

Drake was about to say something, but was prematurely interrupted by a rumbling. Suddenly, the ground beneath their feet shuddered, causing all three to stumble to the walls, and then the base’s floor split apart with a groaning of steel and a thunderous crack. The three looked on in disbelief at the resulting chasm so deep that its bottom was lost in darkness. The quake slowly subsided, though the hollow thundering still echoed throughout the base.

• This paragraph gets its own segment. Yup.
• ...prematurely interrupted... that's a nasty word choice. "Prematurely" is completely and totally unnecessary.
• The three looked on in disbelief at the resulting chasm so deep that its bottom was lost in darkness. "at the newly formed chasm whose bottom was lost in darkness" perhaps. Too many words.
• I don't think it'd be a "though" in that last sentence if it was a "slow" subsiding.

Blitz screamed something, but it was drowned out by the roaring of the earthquake. The dragon-man could not make out what his brother had said, but turned his eyes to see the Wielder of the Sword hurtling down the hallway at full throttle, the elven caster in hot pursuit.

Drake’s eyes widened in realization. “Amy!” He made to follow his comrades, but a massive, hideous shape appeared before him, blocking the dragon’s path. He skid to a halt and stared at the creature in revulsion; a ten-foot, newborn demon had risen from the chasm. Its body was lanky and somewhat misshapen; bile-colored skin partly covered an exposed, throbbing ribcage. The creature had not even been dried of embryotic fluid; nevertheless, it assailed the dragon-man with a ravenous howl.

• "Screamed" generally connotes a frightened woman, or the like. I believe "shouted" is more appropriate.
• skidded. "Skid" is present tense. Don't want to be confusing our tenses now, do we?
• ...stared at the creature in revulsion; a ten-foot, newborn demon had risen from the chasm. Again with the poorly used semicolon. The second clause should be combined with the first. Possibly placing it before the "stared at~" clause, for the sake of good word flow.

Drake met the wretched thing dead-on, thrusting his claws into the cursed beast’s throat, and yanking aside. The top half of its skull came away with a sick splat, and its body flopped lifelessly onto the ground, spilling its tongue onto the cold steel.

The dragon once more turned to follow his comrade’s; the demon had already delayed him too much. But then something directed his attention to the crevice. As he peered over the edge, he swore incredulously. An endless number of the repulsive creatures were visible far below, wings carrying them higher and higher toward the dragon.

• "head on" I believe is what you were searching for there.
• Rather than "the cursed beast's throat," why not just say "its throat"?
• "yanking aside" doesn't work well. Jerked to the side, perhaps.
• And...why would the top of its head pop off when you're removing the throat?
• Comrades, not comrade's.
• Another semicolon! Omit the clause after the semicolon. Add something about hurrying in the first clause.
• But then something directed his attention to the crevice. Blarg. Ick. Try something like "A sound from the crevice caught his attention"
• I know you can stare incredulously, but I was unaware of swearing incredulously.

Overall, not a bad post. Long, and I wouldn't call it role playing. More of a "write a chunk of a story, with a few different characters that happen to have been invented by different people." Not the same thing.


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So, there you have it. If you'd like to have your writing looked at in this manner, by all means, tell me. If not, no one is forcing you. I already have plans to tear apart another Councilor or two's posts, but others on the Council wish to join in the fun.

Whoo! Nice job, Scooty.

Who needs advice from j00 M4st4!!11

Okay, now that my LEET is over with, who needs advice from teh me?

People who wish to have their posts "shredded" (the first instance, and a fine example, is down below) may submit a link to the post, and I, or another member of the council, will look it over, and shred it for you. Do not expect an immediate occurance of this, especially if lots of people want our opinions. I plan on doing two or three per week, though I can't guarantee that. For the sake of easy reading of things here, I think it would be best to submit your posts to be shredded in the OoC thread.

Wolfen, not that you've made a grave mistake, but Scott has made it somewhat clear about keeping the thread easy to look through. Perhaps you could repost this in the OOC?

Scooty, I don't know if it would be more efficient, but what if we made another thread to take care of the shredding requests?

Originally Posted by Andúrhil

Wolfen, not that you've made a grave mistake, but Scott has made it somewhat clear about keeping the thread easy to look through. Perhaps you could repost this in the OOC?

Taken care of.

As stated by Scott, all request to have posts shredded will now go in the OoC thread.

Alrighty, Altamira. Here's the shredding of your post that you requested. To make things simpler, I'm going to do the same thing Scott did with Wielder's post and analyze each paragraph individually. If you have any questions or comments regarding something I said, feel free to PM me about it. So, with that, here we go.

My heart entertained the foolish idea of love for twelve glorious years. All the while, I was captivated by a single young man—fairly average, but with lofty dreams. I suppose that ambition, along with his caring selfless nature, was what I found most charming about him.

I really like this opening paragraph, especially that first sentence there. The only thing that really needs pointing out in this paragraph is that you need a comma between "single" and "young". You always put a comma between two adjectives, unless you can somehow prove that you don't need one in this case.

Paris Valentia (his surname meaning “valor” in the old Rubato language, a name quite fitting for him) lived a sheltered life in the royal city of Blancwood, Rubato. Blancwood was a magnificent city, with buildings made of resplendent white stone, and rimmed by majestic beech trees and poplars. The sun always smiled genially upon Blancwood, kind enough to provide warmth and light for the flourishing of plants, but never beating down too much, as to turn the city into an arid wasteland like the rest of the country. At sixteen years of age Paris enlisted in the military, resolving to defend his beloved nation. The boy only knew the beauty and peace of Blancwood, and thought by protecting the country he would be upholding these staples of his life—he never knew how the rest of the nation was exactly Blancwood’s converse, swarming with lowlifes, hatred, and crime.

The sun always smiled genially upon Blancwood, kind enough to provide warmth and light for the flourishing of plants, but never beating down too much, as to turn the city into an arid wasteland like the rest of the country. Okay, the end of this sentence sounds really awkward. I would word it something more like this:

The sun always smiled genially upon Blancwood, kind enough to provide warmth and light for the flourishing of plants, but never threatening to turn the city into an arid wasteland like the rest of the country. This just sounds less awkward and uses fewer words to more strongly convey what you're trying to say.

At sixteen years of age Paris enlisted in the military, resolving to defend his beloved nation. If I'm not mistaken, you need a comma after "age".

The boy only knew the beauty and peace of Blancwood, and thought by protecting the country he would be upholding these staples of his life—he never knew how the rest of the nation was exactly Blancwood’s converse, swarming with lowlifes, hatred, and crime. "Only" is a really funky word in the English language, you know? It's really tricky trying to figure out the right place to put it in a sentence. In this case, I'm pretty certain that "only" would be better placed after "knew". You don't need that comma after "Blancwood," either, since you aren't separating two independent clauses. As for that hyphen, I think I'd replace it with a semicolon, instead.

My town of Santa Mariela was like all other Rubatoian cities of that day, a dried out and shriveled husk of a town, infested with pests and criminals, and overcome by a blight of poverty and famine. There was no secondary school in Santa Mariela—we were lucky to even have a primary school established—and so all of its promising young students were bused off to Blancwood for schooling with the rising of the merciless sun each day. It was in my third year of secondary school that I met Officer Paris, in my arithmetic class. Like the majority of Blancwood townspeople, he spoke in a short clipped tone, and so he found my Santa Mariela accent intriguing and attractive. He often would ask me to say his last name, as he loved the way it rolled off my tongue. He said my dialect reminded him of Latin and Italian, two languages he had studied before. Apparently he was unaware of the fact that the old Rubato language had been derived from those two, along with a bit of Portuguese. His last name itself was from the Portuguese language.

My town of Santa Mariela was like all other Rubatoian cities of that day, a dried out and shriveled husk of a town, infested with pests and criminals, and overcome by a blight of poverty and famine. Hmm...for this sentence, I think the end of it would better be worded as, "...and blighted with poverty and famine." It just further cuts down on the wordiness and makes the sentence flow better.

It was in my third year of secondary school that I met Officer Paris, in my arithmetic class. You really don't need that comma after "Paris" at all.

Like the majority of Blancwood townspeople, he spoke in a short clipped tone... You need a comma between "short" and "clipped". It's that two adjectives in a row thing again.

Apparently he was unaware of the fact that... You need a comma after "apparently".

After my classes that day, I received a message from my eldest sister Vivace, informing me that my father had been arrested. She had yet to learn the charges against him, but she was told they were rather severe. It was certain that he would at the very least be sentenced to life in prison. I remember I had broken down in tears while awaiting my bus at the station. Paris saw me and came to comfort me.

It was certain that he would at the very least be sentenced to life in prison. I'm pretty certain you should set off "at the very least" with commas. Other than that, this paragraph looks good.

“I know what it’s like to have a parent taken away from you, Cadenza…” he had said, taking my hand gently and stroking it to calm me down.

“H-how would you know? You have both your mother and father at home!” I had shouted back. At that time, I was still blind to the tragedy Paris bottled up inside.

Hmm...you seem to shift tenses here. I realize that this is supposed to be a flashback of some kind, but perhaps you could better distinguish that by putting the entire flashback portion in italics? Because later on, you switch back to normal past tense, even though you're still writing about the same occurance.

He wasn’t angered by my insensitive outburst, although he had every right to be. Instead, he smiled and shared with me, “Actually… my mother was killed by police in an accident when I was very young… the woman I call mother now is my stepmother. My… my mother is the reason I refused to cut my hair for the military. Sounds silly I know but… she loved it long. I keep it this way… incase she’s ever looking down upon me from…”

the woman I call mother now is my stepmother. Capitalize that "t," and you should be good there.

Sounds silly I know but… she loved it long. I keep it this way… incase she’s ever looking down upon me from… Set off "I know" with commas. And put a space between "incase".

I waited for him to say heaven, even though I was not of the same faith, but he did not. He simply smiled again and clasped the cross charm hanging from his necklace.

“But yes,” he continued, “I know what it is like to have a parent taken away… Don’t let your father go, Cadenza…”

I wiped away my tears and stood then. The bus was coming to take me back to Santa Mariela—the hell sweet Paris never knew.

“I won’t lose him, Paris,” I had whispered, and then climbed the stairs aboard.

Hmm...the only thing I find wrong with this is that you seem to switch tenses. Suddenly, you say "I had whispered" rather than "I whispered," which would make more sense and stick with the tense you're currently in.

My sister Vivace was waiting for me by the door when I reached home. She had terrible news.

“Father’s trial is in a few days, Cadenza. He’s being charged with murder.”

My sister Vivace was waiting for me by the door... Set off Vivace with commas. That's an apposative, if I remember all my terminology correctly.

My jaw dropped. I didn’t know what I could say about that, or even think about that. I was about to go inside and throw myself into the numbing boredom of my schoolwork, but Vivace had more to tell.

I didn’t know what I could say about that, or even think about that. This sounds really awkward to me. I think you'd do better rewording it like this:

I didn't know what I could say or even think about that.

“Sister, if we hope to get him out of this… we’re going to need your help,” she had said. That smirk of hers was discomforting and insidious. “You remember that bow father made you? Well, you’re going to need it...”

I furrowed my brow. I could only guess what would come next.

Everything looks good to me, here.

She turned away at that moment, and began pacing. It was like she was spouting off some sales pitch. "See, we all are going to be working to break father out of jail, whether by actions within or not within the constraints of the law. And since you’re the best shot out of all of us, you’ll be doing our…”

“Grunt work?” I had cut in, voice sour. I knew where this was going now.

Yet again, everything looks good. I particularly like how you described Vivace's explanation as a sales pitch.

“I wouldn’t put it that way… let’s just say you’ll be our little assassin and thief. Sound good, sister?”

“...What does Mom think of this?” I evaded.

“Oh, she’s all for it. And so are Algretta, Luminari, and Arietta. You’re the final piece, sister.”

Nothing wrong here, either.

I remained silent for a moment, sorting through all the thoughts swimming about in my head. This was for my father, that was certainly a plus, I loved my father and family and felt a strong loyalty towards them. As I had learned that day Paris’ mother had been slain by police, and so I felt as if I too now had a grudge against the authorities. That would provide me with motivation when doing my misdeeds. My schooling however, that might be interfered with. But when living in Rubato, my education wouldn’t have amounted to much. After much thinking, I chose to join in on the plan.

This was for my father, that was certainly a plus, I loved my father and family and felt a strong loyalty towards them. Comma splice ahoy! Replace that comma after "plus" with either a semicolon or a period and capital letter or a comma and conjunction.

“I’m in, Vivace.”

“Good,” she had said to me, smiling mischievously. “I’ll have mother make the call to pull you out of that Blancwood school. We’re going to need you full time, sister.”

She walked back inside the house, leaving me alone to ponder over my decision. I wondered if I would ever see Paris again.

“Good,” she had said to me, smiling mischievously. Again, you seem to switch tenses. Take out that "had" in order to keep continuity with the rest of the piece.
________________________________

Overall, I really like this piece, which I already told you in the actual thread you made for it. Again, if you have any questions about what I said, feel free to either PM or IM me. I'm usually around. ^^

Okay, so I shredded Scoria's post in Renued, refreshed, and ready to kill.

http://www.zeldauniverse.net/forums/...02&postcount=1

A cold wind pressed against his back as he forced himself into a very uncomfortable position, above the ground, on a wall, near an open window.

Now here, we have a really drawn out explanation of the setting. It’s usually best to give small details about the setting in separate sentences, so that you don’t end up with comma after comma after comma. If you want to, you can even just give tiny hints (IC details) as to where the writing is taking place. Like saying that a body of water was near to identify a lake.

The bricks used in creation of the castle were none to good, moisture emitted from them, making it very hard to hold oneself on them.

I believe that the underlined part of the quote was meant to be “none too good.” I am personally not familiar with this term, and cannot say whether or not it works, but if it is indeed what I think it is, it should be too, and not to.

There’s also the part about the bricks emitting moisture XD. Now, what that means is that the bricks were wetting themselves. I believe it was meant to mean that water was condensing on the bricks. The water comes from the air, and bricks do not wet themselves XD.

The use of “oneself” is also very forced. Best stick with words that sound right, rather than words that you hope will impress people.

At the moment however, he did not care, "Have these papers sent down to the offices if you could, I'll stay and work on that other cancelled project."

Okay, now, instead of a comma before the dialogue, it should be a period. The underlined sentence, which is the sentence before the dialogue, doesn’t introduce the dialogue, so you do not put a comma. For example, you would use a comma if it had been “... he did not care. He then said, ‘Have these papers...’” and so forth.

Tuariv breathed silently, letting go from the solid stone wall and landing on the padded rug on the oval shaped room.

He would land on the rug in the oval shaped room. Or on the floor of the oval shaped room.

Simple ornaments dotted the room, plants and a single chandelere.

That would be spelled chandelier if I am not mistaken. Seems like a French word, though, and I speak French, so I may just have my languages mixed up. Try using an online dictionary if you do not know the spelling of a word, though. I won’t quote every word that isn’t spelled correctly, though, because eventually people learn the correct spelling. A matter of personal knowledge.

Hidden though was one more person, Tuariv, standing directly behind the lone man like a haunting ghost, and just as visible as one.

Alright, the underlined “though” should be surrounded by commas. “Though” depending on the usage, is usually preceded by a comma, and, if it breaks a sentence, is followed by one, as well. Just like the “and” and “as well” in my previous sentence. An exception would be “Though he knew it was wrong, he did it anyway.

The neck of the now dead man was pierced once again, larger amounts of blood flowing easily, and in a far speedier fashion.

I believe there should be a word with a definition similar or identical to that of the word “sending” placed before the underlined “larger.” Otherwise, I can’t make heads or tails of the sentence.

The head now detatched from the body, was placed into the sack, and the assassin disappeared as the morning orange sun surfaced from the distant hills.

There should be a comma before the underlined “now.” This is because you started the sentence with “The head” and then broke the sentence to further describe the head. The broken part of the sentence would start with a “now,” so it needs a comma before it to properly break the sentence.

A select few however knew his secrets.

Now, here, if I am not mistaken, there should be a comma placed before and after the “however”. I’m not exactly sure whether or not I am correct. I would put a comma before and after, because it seems like it breaks the sentence, but I’ve seen otherwise. Well, I’m not sure, but if you ask me, the “however” breaks the sentence, and should thus be surrounded by commas.

Everything was loud, quite obnoxious to those who had other pressing and far more important matters to attend to, the figure was no exception.

Let’s see. Right, here, before each of the underlined words, there are conjunctions missing. A conjunction is the part of speech that serves to connect words, phrases, clauses, or sentences. And, or, and but are all examples. You could also use semicolons (; ) to replace the conjunctions.

Expensive looking ornaments, plants and other things of the sort covered [B]the[B/] everything from top to bottom, no doubt to keep an upholding within the local kingdom and not insult guests.

The everything? I obviously know what you’re trying to get across, but it’s funny .

The mask figure decided just now to let out a few words,

The -ed is just missing, is all .

"Got it," the masked figure said. And with that walked out the door.

The comma should be a period. The dialogue doesn’t continue after he walks out the door, so you need a period instead of a comma.

Originally Posted by Aerixeth

The comma should be a period. The dialogue doesn’t continue after he walks out the door, so you need a period instead of a comma.

Actually, the comma there is correct. ^^ That's a tag that's following the dialogue, not a sentence on its own.

Originally Posted by LadyElvenarcher

Actually, the comma there is correct. ^^ That's a tag that's following the dialogue, not a sentence on its own.

O_o It would appear you are correct. I thought the T of "the" was capitalized, and that threw me off . My mistake.

Alrighty, Quark. You wanted this post shredded, so shred away, I shall.

Erebus stood to his feet, stretching his arms out wide with a brief yawn, “Alright, nice story but I think I could take on this Sin guy blindfolded.” he chuckled slightly before turning from the group, deciding he would head back to his room, “Are you coming Naomi?” Erebus asked before he left.

Change the comma after "yawn" to a period. You're finishing a sentence. That whole thing isn't a tag to the following quote, so it needs a period. Next, capitalize "he" after you finish the first quote. You're starting a new sentence there, not forming a tag for the quote. Change the comma after "room" to a period, as well. And...add a comma after "coming" because Naomi is a direct address, which is always set off by commas.

The fox-girl stood to her feet, yawning and stretching her own arms out as well, “Yeah, I’m beat, I think it’s about time to hit the sack.” she stood and walked past Erebus back toward the village a mere half mile away.

“Isis?” Erebus said her name, inquiring if she would come along as well.

Again, change the comma after "well" to a period. If you finish a complete sentence, you put some sort of ending punctuation mark after it. Next, this sentence is a comma splice or a run-on sentence:

“Yeah, I’m beat, I think it’s about time to hit the sack.”

"I'm beat" and "I think it's about time to hit the sack" are two independent clauses. Therefore, you need to either change the comma between them to a semicolon, but a conjuction after the comma, or make the comma a period and capitalize the first word of the next sentence, which would be "I," so it's already capitalized.

Next, you need to capitalize "she" since it's the start of a new sentence and not a tag for the quote.

The goddess stood in silence, staring up at the night’s sky, “I’ll join you later.” she decided, “I want to stay out here a little longer.”

“Suit yourself.” Naomi called back sleepily as she moved back away from the edge of the woods they were staying at.

Change that period after "later" to a comma, since the following phrase is a tag for the quote. However, you need to change the comma after "decided" to a period because everything in the quotation beforehand was a complete, independent thought. Then, change the period after "yourself" to a comma.

“Hey Isis, don’t be out too long.” Erebus called back before leaving, “If you do, Sin will steal your brains!” he laughed jokingly as he turned around.

“Don’t worry Erebus I can take care of myself.” She smirked as the young teenager disappeared from view.

Put a comma between "hey" and "Isis". Remember, direct addresses are always set off by commas, regardless of their place in the sentence. Change the period after "long" to a comma... Change the comma after "leaving" to a period...

There were still quite a few people around the campfire, apparently telling jokes or more spooky stories. Isis was about to join them around the fire until a strange cold wind suddenly swept through the base of the small congregation, tickling her feet. She looked around at the others, seeing that they didn’t notice it much, aside from a mother who pulled a blanket tighter around her child.

Isis was about to join them around the fire until...

"When" would be a much better word there and would make so much more sense. And...you don't really need that comma after "much".

Isis shrugged it off and began to sit again, but the wind returned, this time it whisked past her ears. With the wind came an eerie voice, just barely a whisper, “Isis,” it hissed like a snake, but it was lost with the wind again.

You've got a comma splice again. Here:

Isis shrugged it off and began to sit again, but the wind returned, this time it whisked past her ears.

I would change it to something more like this:

Isis shrugged it off and began to sit again, but the wind returned, this time whisking past her ears.

Now, once again, you really need to pay attention to when to use commas and when to use end punctuation when you're writing quotes. Change the comma after "whisper" to a period.

She turned around toward where the wind had come from. The woods stood only four feet or so in front of Isis. It was quite odd that the wind would come from such a place; the trees would have most certainly blocked it out since they were much too thick.

“Isis.” It whispered again, the same wind brushing through her hair like cold clammy fingers.

Here, you need to change the period to a comma and make "It" have a lowercase "i".

Isis squinted her eyes into the forest to get a better look; she slowly stepped forward as the wind died down to stillness. She toned out the sound of the laughter and shrieks of enjoyment from the group around the fire to get a better look at what was saying her name.

“Isis!” The same voice whispered again, sounding so close to Isis she could almost feel the breath of the person condensing on her cheek.

Here, I would change this sentence around, just so you can vary your sentence structure and make your writing a little less mechanical:

She toned out the sound of the laughter and shrieks of enjoyment from the group around the fire to get a better look at what was saying her name.

I would write it more like this:

Tuning out the sound of the laughter and shrieks of enjoyments from the group around the fire, Isis attempted to get a better look at what was saying her name.

And, yes, that word should be "tuning," not "toning".

She quickly flicked her head to the right where the voice had called out again, but there was nothing there. She turned her head back to the forest, her curiosity overtaking her. She folded her wings in as best as she could and stepped into the forest, the bizarre wind sweeping through once again, “Answer me Isis.” it ordered in the same frightening voice, this time without the wind.

First, change the comma after "again" to a period. And put a comma after "me" and before "Isis". And change the period after "Isis" to a comma.

Now, as far as sentence structure goes, this paragraph is pretty bland and boring. You begin every sentence except the last one with the word "she". That's extremely repetitive. Spice up your writing by adding subordinate clauses or adverbial phrases at the beginnings of your sentences. With that in mind, here's how I would have written that paragraph:

The goddess quickly flicked her head to the right where the voice had called out again, but there was nothing there. Turning her head back to the forest, curiosity overtook her, and she folded her wings in as best she could. As she stepped into the forest, the bizarre breeze swept through her once again. "Answer me, Isis," that voice ordered in the same frightening tone, this time without the wind.

“Who’s there?” she called into the darkness of the forest.

“Your mother,” It hissed again.

(ooc: Rofl, sorry, couldn’t resist, for real this time.)

“Who’s there?” she called into the darkness of forest.

The wind blasted from the forest and stopped suddenly, “Your doom.” was the simple reply, this time it was not in a whisper.

Okay, you don't need to capitalize "it". Second, you use the same line twice? o.O What's up with that? Next, change the comma after suddenly to a period and the period after "doom" to a comma. I'm getting kind of tired of seeing the phrase "this time" over and over again. Plus, that's another comma splice. So, fix it to something like this:

"Your doom," was the simple, clearly audible, reply.

And, really, that OoC comment isn't that necessary.

Right after his words were spoken, something hit Isis in the top of head. She felt it slide off her scalp and topple on the floor behind her. She spun around, her eyes darting down at the ground to see what the object was. She let out a short shriek for it was the headless body of a young infant child.

First off, things don't usually hit people in the top of the head; the usually hit people [/i]on[/i] the top of the head. Second, you've got the same problem here as you did above. Varying your sentence structure makes for much better piece of writing. I won't rewrite this one for you, though. I'll leave you to figure out how to make it better on your own.

A dark evil chuckle filled the forest, swirling around the goddess as if the wind itself was the one taunting her. Isis quickly dashed out of the forest and stopped in her tracks, shocked at what now her eyes lay on, something worse than the mutilated baby carcass that had left its stain in her hair.

...shocked at what now her eyes lay on...

Erm...I rather think that should be... "shocked at what she now lay her eyes on". That sounds much better.

The entire group that was once laughing, chuckling, and having a good time thirty seconds ago, now lay headless on the grass before her. The mother, who had once held her beloved child, was now lying across the fireplace, burning in the red flames. The story teller’s body parts were strewn across the field in a bloody mess, staining the bright green grass a dark crimson. Isis clenched her fists as she forced her eyes away from the carnage.

You don't need that comma after "ago" and before "now". "Lying" should be "laying," I think.

A strange presence came over her once more. It felt like a backwards wind was being sucked into an area behind the Magi statue that was Isis. She turned around once more, horrified at who would do such a horrible thing. She was ready to kill whoever it was for their horrible actions.

Hmm...I think changing "presence" to "feeling" would make that first sentence better. As for that third sentence, you used "horrified" and "horrible" right near each other. You know how I'm telling you to varying your sentence structures? You need to vary your words, too. So...I'd suggest changing "horrified" to "apalled".

There standing in the field, shrouded in darkness and basking in the blackness of night stood a figure. Silent and still was the night, it seemed as if everything was holding its breath in the presence of this man. One would think that a man wearing black clothing would be hard to see in the night, but he seemed to be blacker than night itself making him blend in and stand out at the same time.

Put a comma after "there" and then also add one after "night". Change the comma after night in the second sentence to a semicolon or something. That's another comma splice. Add a comma after itself in that last sentence.

Sin extended his right hand slowly and pointed a long black armored finger at Isis, blood dripping off from the hand. Fresh blood from the fresh brains he had devoured mere seconds earlier, “Isis,” he began, now above a whisper, he chuckled a slight laugh, “Isis you fool.” he lowered his hand back to his side, “You’re a goddess.” Sin chuckled mockingly, “You couldn’t even touch Gorin without losing your hand.” Sirius tested, knowing that Isis was a member of the Oblivion Alliance.

Now, even though that second sentence isn't technically a complete sentence, it's okay that you made it one for emphasis. I think doing that a lot myself. However, you need to change that comma after "earlier" to a period. I would put an "and" after the comma after "whisper". And then change the comma after "laugh" to a period. Put a comma after "Isis" next and change the comma after "side" to a period. Change the period after "goddess" to a comma, and then change the comma after "mockingly" to a period. Then...change the period after "hand" to a comma. *wipes brow* You really need to work on proper quotation punctuation formatting.

“Gorin?” Isis whispered, realizing this man knew him, “Who are you?” she asked the Fearsome force.

Without moving he answered, “You know about me, and I know about you. I’m surprised you haven’t recognized me already.”

Isis shook her head as she examined him top to bottom, “You killed all those innocent people.”

Change the comma after "him" to a period. Put a comma after "moving". Change the comma afer "bottom" to a period.

“Yes.’ Sin hissed, his voice bellowing from the dark. It shocked Isis how he didn’t even care for the people he just murdered.

“You severed their heads which are nowhere to be found…” her eyes widened as she realized who this was, “…But how can this be real? You’re just a story!” Isis exclaimed, her weapon now drawn and ready for combat.

Erm...you need to put a double quotation mark after "Yes". And change that period after "yes" to a comma. Capitalize the "her" right after "found," and change the comma after "was" to a period.

“A true story,” Sin corrected, his voice never trembling with its commanding power, “a true story that, unfortunately for you, I know the ending to.”

Change the comma after "power" to a period, and capitalize the very next "a".

Alright. There you go. If you have any questions about the stuff, PM me or post in the OoC Thread, whichever you'd rather do. Basically, you need to work on quotation punctuation and putting a little more variety into your writing.

Oh yes, my namesake friend. You've been shredded.

~

The two unarmoured darknuts were rushing to attack Latio, or, while the cursed was in effect, Oital, the one on the right coloured pitch black, with blood red eyes, and the other with neutral grey fur and matching eyes.

The way this sentence is written really makes it difficult to understand what is going on. Plus, trying to put everything into one sentence introduces grammar errors. Instead of using so many commas, it would be better to split it up into two sentences, like so:

The two unarmoured darknuts were rushing to attack Latio, or rather his cursed form, Oital. The one on the right was pitch black in colour with blood red eyes, while the other one sported neutral grey fur and matching eyes.

"Pitch black in colour" sounds much smoother than "coloured pitch black" I believe. The subsequent comma is not required. In this case, "while" fits much better than "and" after the comma, since "while" implies a difference. Lastly, a verb such as "sported" for example, sounds much better than a plain "with".

The black one raised it's sword while dashing at the metal foxfolk, but right when you'd expect it to strike it drop kicked Oital, sending him flying into a nearby building, which collapsed on top of him. The other darknut ran towards where he saw the impact and started to slash through the clay bricks; they were trained to find the corpse even after they assumed it to be dead, you could never be too sure

Another long sentence. You should really place a full-stop here: "The black one raised it's sword while dashing at the metal foxfolk.", and continue with "Right when you'd expect it to strike, it drop kicked Oital, sending him flying into a nearby building [remove comma] which collapsed on top of him."

The next sentence is almost okay, although it could be structured a bit better. "The other darknut ran towards where he saw the impact and started to slash through the clay bricks" instead of using a semicolon [;], it would be better to start a new sentence "They were trained to find the corpse even after they assumed it to be dead, for you could never be too sure." [Don't forget your full-stops]

Oital heard the heavy stronger-than-steel claymore start to slice through the heavy clay mass which lay on top of him, and quickly ignited his paws, read to catch the tempered blade which was about to slice through him. And catch it he did, before snapping it in half with a minimal amount of effort. The grey darknut recoiled in shock when suddenly his sword snapped back, and again when the metal-clad foxfolk rose from the massive pile of rubble which used to house some of the hundreds of villagers which had just been incinerated.

I believe you meant "ready" instead of "read" in that first sentence. "The grey darknut recoiled in shock both when [omitt suddenly] his sword snapped apart, [instead of back] and [omitt again] when the metal-clad foxfolk rose from the massive pile of rubble..." sounds much smoother. "...which were now incinerated" would fit better, seeing as you already made it clear that it used to house the villagers.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Latio! Latio!" Naomi shouted. Tears dripped down her cheek and onto the ground from a combination of the stinging pain in her arm and the hopelessness of the situation she was in. Erebus was lying unconscious on the cobblestone road, the winged boy from before was most likely dead, and-

Boom!

-a building had just fell down near the outskirts of the village, whereas she was closer to the center. "Latio! We need help! Erebus and-" The rest of the cry for help was muffled by a wet rag. A rag doused with alcohol. The fox girl quickly stooped into a state of sleep, and fell to the ground. The fighter who had ambushed the two had drugged her, and was now carrying her away...

You've mixed up your tenses over here: "a building had just fell down". You should have used "a building had just fallen" instead. I'm... not sure "stooped" really fits the context you've used it in, since it implies "bending over", but anyways.

Latio, the real Latio, heard the sweet voice belonging to Naomi in the distance, and when he heard it suddenly stop, he knew he had to regain control, somehow. On the outside of the foxfolk's body, there was a darknut recovering from his sneaky drop kick, and another staring at his broken blade in frustration. It had lost the heat from Scaptur's attack, though the other darknut's blade was still boiling hot: it had been absorbed...

Suddenly the grey darknut felt an immense heat radiating from behind him, and then he died. Nothing remained of his body but ashes and charred bones. The possessed foxfolk almost had a smirk on his face, but savage animals don't smirk. He approached the second foe with a speed unknown to most beings, but unfortunately for the fox, the darknut was one of those beings. It swung it's claymore through seemingly empty space, though he had actually cut a long gouge through Scaptur's tough hide, reaching from his right shoulder down to the left side of his waist. But in the foxfolk's current state, he was almost immune to pain, and was knocked aside only to get back up and try a different approach. This time, he'd try his wind magery in combination with his control over heat. He was attempting to create illusionary copies of himself by creating 'mirrors' in the air which would work on the same basis as mirages, though he couldn't attempt it without some greater source of light than the flames around him, or the stars above him. Fortunately, the first of the sun's rays had just began to peer through the forest which was almost like a wall around the village. He'd just have to stall for a while until he had enough sunlight.

This part seems for the most part okay. Just a point though, you say that "He approached the second foe with a speed unknown to most beings" and then you say "the darknut was one of those beings". If he was one of those beings, he wouldn't have comprehended the speed. You probably meant "the darknut wasn't one of those beings".

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Naomi awoke from her drunken state dazed, and with a slight headache. She was bound to a chair fixed to the ground, and gaged tightly, almost completely immobilizing her mouth. She could smell blood, and rotting flesh. The man that brought her to her current position had died right after securing her, and he lay right beside her, a rather gruesome sight, and she turned away in disgust after seeing him. Her first decision was to try to escape, and she tried to move the chair. It was immobile, and the gag was made from some luxurious (and untearable) silk. Her arm was to weak to undo the bonds around her hands, and her feet were numb from the loss of blood circulation.

The first sentence would sound better as "Naomi awoke from her drunken state with a slight headache, feeling dazed".

For the second sentence, I believe the correct word would be gagged, and not "gaged".

Now, some tidbits. Instead of using the word "decision", "Her first thought" sounds much better. "Immobile" seems very out of place there, "unmovable" would be much better. In the last sentence, it should be "Her arm was too weak".

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oital was using Latio's intellect to plan the darknut's attacks, giving him what used to look like a great advantage, though darknuts seemed more intelligent than their massive armoured forms and wild swinging suggested. The two seemed to be evenly matched in every way, except the jackle-headed creature lacked the steel-like defense Oital had wreathed around his body, and the foxfolk couldn't get close to the darknut due to it's skill wielding it's long claymore. The vile curse that had entrapped Latio tapped into his knowledge, seeking the amount of time he needed to stall. Five minutes... I have five mibnutes to figure out a way out of this... He was implying his current cursed state, rather than the darknut who could cleave him in half at any time. He continued the parrying, still thinking of a way to break the curse. He sighed inwardly. I wish Kai was here, she'd be able to put it right, he thought. If he was in control of the body, it would've blushed. Instead, it held an angered snarl, and growled at the creature it fought. The five minutes had ended. Oital found the right position, and gathered mixtures of warm and cool air into various spots around him. It worked: there were about four exact copies of himself, and even the intelligent darknut couldn't se through the viel of confusion. Then the foxfolk struck. It slid a sharp, metal bristled arm across the creature's neck, and that was the end of it.

"Oital was using Latio's intellect to forsee the darknut's attacks, giving him a seemingly great advantage, even though darknuts were more intelligent than what their massive armoured forms and wild swinging suggested." sounds much better.

"the jackle-headed creature" should be "the jackal-headed creature".

"due to it's skill wielding it's long claymore" You should have used "its" instead. "It's" is short for "it is", which is clearly not the case here.

"five mibnutes" Pretty self-explanatory.

"He sighed inwardly. I wish Kai was here, she'd be able to put it right, he thought. If he was in control..." That was thought there, and would be much better presented by using italics, like so: "He sighed inwardly. I wish Kai was here, she'd be able to put it right, he thought. If he was in control..."

"and even the intelligent darknut couldn't see through the veil of confusion"

It bit into the freshly killed creatrure's body, tearing out huge chunks of meat and blood from the carapice. It was finished in a matter of minutes, and was still hungry, but was stopped in it's pursuit for more food by a blow to the back of the head.

It's not "carapice", the correct spelling is "carapace".

Latio awoke minutes later, for the blow had only knocked out the mind of the beast within him, and smelt blood, different from his or the darknut's. It was an unknown person's blood, mixed with the disgusting scent of urine. He found Erebus lying near the source, and heard footsteps patting down the street to the left of him. And the sweet scent of Naomi, being carried away to wherever the person who the producer of the footsteps was carrying her to. Latio had to wake Erebus up, somehow...

"Patting" is not really a correct word to use here. A word such as "pounding" or "thumping" would be more fitting, or perhaps even a word such as "echoing".

"And the sweet scent of Naomi, being carried away to wherever the person who the producer of the footsteps was carrying her to." The way that sentence is written really makes it difficult to understand what's going on, and rhere are several instances of grammar mistakes. A better example would be: "He [and is out of context] also caught [you didn't include a verb] the sweet scent of Naomi, who [not including the who would imply that her scent] was being carried away by the producer of the footsteps to wherever he was heading."

~

Overall an OK post, but you still need to work on your sentence structure.

*shredded*

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen of the BA. I'm Selah Ex Animo. I have been elected, by the most gracious members of the ZUBAC Council, to take command of the Pick and Shred Thread and act as its manager. If you would like to have a post critiqued, PM me with your request, and I will edit it and post the critique in this thread.

Currently, any and all requests are accepted.

I look forward to your requests. ^^

- Selah

Shredding: Jayolorin's first post in the Crossroads thread Guilty as Forgotten.

An illuminating light pierced the valley, throwing reflective rays of energy seeping across it. The light penetrated even the darkest corners, as if beckoning small creatures to wake from their peaceful rest and enjoy the new day. The valley was peaceful and serene- wind softly blew by single trees, causing their leaves to rustle gently. The sun shone over all the grass, trees and animals who took the plain as their home.

"... throwing reflective rays of energy seeping across it."; "The light penetrated..."; "peaceful rest": "Throwing" and "seeping" are like oil and water to this sentence, unwieldy and bringing a contradiction of images to mind. I would suggest removing it. By doing so, the first clause would be shortened; combine this with the second sentence like so:

An illuminating light pierced the valley, penetrating its darkest corners as if beckoning small creatures from their slumber... [Slumber encompassing "peaceful rest".]

"... peaceful and serene...": As "peaceful" and "serene" are synonyms with nearly identical definitions, only one of the two is needed to convey the valley's tranquility.

"... blew by single trees, causing their leaves to rustle gently.": "Single trees" seems a bit peculiar. "Rustle" could encompass "causing", like so:

... wind softly blew through the scattered trees, rustling their leaves gently.

All: Unnecessary. Your earlier depictions, concerning the reach of the light, creates the impression in the minds of readers that everything was illuminated already. "All" is a superfluous reminder.

"... who took the plain as their home.": "Took" seems somewhat awkward, and makes this sentence longer than necessary; perchance

"... who lived upon the plain."

is better.

Many unknown secrets were kept beneath his peaceful features.

"... were kept...": "Lurked" works as a more precise verb.

His hair was messy, and a common shade of dirt brown. It was long around the back of his neck and it covered over his ears, curling up slightly. The hair on the sides of his head stuck out, and it too was long and rather messy. Strands of singular hair brushed down to his eyes, and parted slightly in the middle. His eyes were hazel, and his lips were open to savour the scent of fresh air- That would be what it looked like to the casual observer, though. He was in fact drawing energy from the very air around him, and the plant life graciously added their essence to the equation.

"... and it covered over his ears, curling up slightly.": The fact hair is your subject is still apparent, so "it" is unnecessary. Rather than "and it covered", "covering" works just as well, remaining in tune with "curling". "Over" is unnecessary: "covered" encompasses that, rendering "covered over" an awkward repetition. As for "curling up slightly", an addition of "at the ends" would complete the image:

His hair was messy, and a common shade of dirt brown. It was long around the back of his neck, covering his ears, curling up slightly at the ends.

"... and it too was long and rather messy.": As hair is again the obvious subject, "... and it was..." is unnecessary. As for "rather"... as an erstwhile English teacher of mine would have said, "His hair is either messy or it's not." "Rather" often puts qualifiers on adjectives that are not needed. Therefore:

"... of singular hair brushed down to his eyes...": The mention of hair is growing repetitive, and "strands" and "singular" are pretty much synonyms, in that "strands" encompasses "singular". "Brushed down" has always struck me as awkward. Combine this with the previous sentence:

The hair on the sides of his head stuck out, long and messy, while strands brushed his eyes...

"...and his lips were open to savour the scent of fresh air- That would be what it looked like to the casual observer, though.": The first "and" clogs up the sentence for me, as does "were", when taking the preceding clause into account ("His eyes were hazel"). "Scent" pertains more strongly to the sense of smell than the sense of taste ("savour"); I see what your getting at, which can be readily accomplished without the use of "scent". As for "That would be...": that could be reduced to a more simple "apparently". It shortens the sentence and gives it the full punch the situation can command:

His eyes were hazel, his lips open to savour of fresh air- apparently.

The boy wore a long sleeved white shirt, a perfect display of his personality. Over this he wore a blue t-shirt etched with random symbols and numbers.

"... a perfect display of his personality...": How is that?

"... t-shirt etched...": I believe a comma belongs betwixt "t-shirt" and "etched".

The most significant feature about him was the leather strap attached to his torso. The colour was almost unnoticeable and thus disguised well in normal view. It led around to his back, and branched off to make three separate parts. They all supported one thing- a staff.

This was no ordinary staff, though. The wood it was constructed of was relatively normal- it did not seem so important. A large violet orb atop it pronounced otherwise. The spherical crystal had been imbedded with three small pearls- one red, another green and the last blue. These all had different insignias engraved into them.

The last noticeable feature about it was a fine steel blade protruding from the end- it was supported by a wooden hilt and a silver ring had been placed upon it.

"... attached to his torso.": "Encircling" would encompass "attached" as well as "it led around to his back", later in the paragraph.

"The colour was almost unnoticeable and thus disguised well in normal view.": Is it transparent, than? Or is its colour such that it blends into his clothing, rendering it unnoticeable?

The most significant feature about him was the leather strap encircling his torso. The colour was unnoticeable, disguised to the normal eye. The strap branched into make three separate parts, which all supported one thing- a staff.

"This was no ordinary staff, though. The wood it was constructed of was relatively normal- it did not seem so important. A large violet orb atop it pronounced otherwise.": These three sentences can be combined for a tighter construction:

This was no ordinary staff, despite its relatively normal wood. A large violet orb atop it pronounced its importance.

"The last noticeable feature about it...": "Its last noticeable feature..." [eliminating the boggy phrase "about it", which can be a bit rough when read.]

"... - it was supported by a wooden hilt and a silver ring had been placed upon it.": Begin a new sentence at "it" - the dash is incorrect. "Had been placed upon it" is unnecessary.

It was common for most people to understand his plight, and so the only refuge who could find was within the earth itself.

"... understand...": This contradicts the rest of the paragraph. Did you mean "misunderstand"?

"... who...": "... and so the only refuge he could find..."

Something flickered in the corner of Lance’s eye.

"... in...": At

No- he did not sense anything outstanding or peculiar feelings radiating from that direction.

"... anything...": "Any", rather than anything, as "feelings" follows the adjectives.

Not that his magic sense were refined at all...

"... were...": Was

And that was only in a normal conversation without resorting to his magic...

"... conversation without...": Comma between "conversation" and "without"

It appeared that it was a human- the shape was to easy to identify. It seemed to be covered in a cloak, preventing Lance from seeing. The mage shifted his portly legs into a criss-cross position, and then placed his hands in his lap, much like an obedient school child. It would be best if he did not appear mistrustful to the new arrival.

"... to...": Unnecessary

"... to be...": Unnecessary

"The mage shifted his portly legs into a criss-cross position, and then placed his hands in his lap, much like an obedient school child.": He seated himself? I didn't get the impression until later in the post; merely say, "He lowered himself into a criss-cross seated position..." or something to that effect. Also, "portly"? His legs were muscular, earlier, not stout.

As the figure approached, it stopped abruptly, and then looked to both sides, checking to see if anyone was in the vicinity. Lance suddenly understood- it was hiding it’s essence as to not be sensed y anyone.

"As the figure approached, it stopped abruptly, and then...": "As the figure approached" and "it abruptly stopped" contradict one another thoroughly. Instead,

The figure stopped abruptly in its approach, looked to both sides...

"... it's...": Its

"... y...": by

The cloaked figure suddenly raised his hands into the air, waving them about madly. Ominous dark clouds started to from above him, static electricity crackling within them. A white bolt of lightning shaped energy suddenly flew down from the sky to hit his hands, forming into a small solid ball. Several other bolts descended from the clouds to gather into this, expanding the original shape of the sphere to a large size. The spell-casting thing drew his hands away from the incoming lightning, halting the process.

Lance dropped to the ground, half anxious, half curious. He watched intently as the mysterious sorcerer concentrated the newfound power into one finger, and then started drawing strange runes in the air. The magical symbols stayed floating in the space that the spell caster had drawn them, and then gradually started to rise into the air. The runes formed a large circle above him, rotating to the sorcerers will. Lance peeked over a clump of grass to see the circle expand, and w white flash was the last thing he saw.

"... his...": Lance doesn't know the gender of the figure, which you mentioned before as "it".

"... started to from above him...": "Started to form..."

"A white bolt of lightning shaped energy...": "A white bolt of energy..."

"... to hit his ...": "... hitting the uplifted hands..."

"... expanding the original shape of the sphere to a large size...": "Expanding" implies that the ball grew larger, so "to a large size" is perhaps unnecessary.

"... The spell-casting thing drew his...": "Its" instead of "his", in keeping with earlier such indefinite references to the spell-caster.

The cloaked figure suddenly raised his hands into the air, waving them about madly. Ominous dark clouds started to from above him, static electricity crackling within them. A white bolt of lightning shaped energy suddenly flew down from the sky to hit his hands, forming into a small solid ball. Several other bolts descended from the clouds to gather into this, expanding the original shape of the sphere to a large size. The spell-casting thing drew his hands away from the incoming lightning, halting the process.

Lance dropped to the ground, half anxious, half curious. He watched intently as the mysterious sorcerer concentrated the newfound power into one finger, and then started drawing strange runes in the air. The magical symbols stayed floating in the space that the spell caster had drawn them, and then gradually started to rise into the air. The runes formed a large circle above him, rotating to the sorcerers will. Lance peeked over a clump of grass to see the circle expand, and w white flash was the last thing he saw.

"... his...": Lance doesn't know the gender of the figure, which you mentioned before as "it".

"... started to from above him...": "Started to form..."

"A white bolt of lightning shaped energy...": "A white bolt of energy..."

"... to hit his ...": "... hitting the uplifted hands..."

"... expanding the original shape of the sphere to a large size...": "Expanding" implies that the ball grew larger, so "to a large size" is perhaps unnecessary.

"... The spell-casting thing drew his...": "Its" instead of "his", in keeping with earlier such indefinite references to the spell-caster.

"Lance dropped to the ground...": Where is he dropping from? He was seated.

"... stayed floating...": Hovered

"... the space that the spell caster had drawn them...": "The" forces this sentence to be longer than it needs to be, as it demands that you define the space. So "the" is unnecessary, and eliminates the phrase "that the spell caster had drawn them".

"... into the air.": Rising implies that the balls are going up into the air, so "into the air" is superfluous.

"... above him, rotating to the sorcerers will": "Above him" is already implied, and is again superfulous. "To" should be "at", and a comma in "sorcerers" to show the possessive state of a single sorcerer.

Lance awoke from his daze to find that he was in a completely different place altogether. He looked left and right to notice that he was in a cell- a very large cell, to be exact. It looked as if it had housed many criminals in it’s time. The ages had taken its toll on the gloomy prison, and the door had been either torn off its hinges, or there was none to start with. It was not a place that you would like to spend the rest of your days.

"... altogether...": Unnecessary

"... to notice that...": Realising. Place a comma just behind "right"

"... It's...": Its

"... there was none to start with...": "... had never existed to begin with."

Lance groaned and stretched his back. How long had he been here? He had been resting against the cold, stony wall for quite a while, it had seemed. The mage warrior hopped to his feet, absent-mindedly scratching his head and making I resume its usual position. He strode quietly out of the bare cell and down a long corridor, its fashion not unlike that of the cell.

"Lance groaned and stretched his back.": Comma between "groaned" and "and".

"... it had seemed.": Unnecessary

"... and making I resume its usual position.": Delete

"... out of...": From

"... its fashion...": "Its fashion" reads somewhat oddly. "The fashion of which was..."

As he reached the end a strange sight met his eyes. There was a very large room in front of him, and it too was constructed entirely of stone and its features were very dull. The only interesting things about the room included a stone pedestal- it looked very much like one that would usually be used to hold books. Behind it hovered 6 strange orbs- each of them a different colour. They bobbed up and down simultaneously, reflecting multi-coloured myriads of light off the walls.

"... end...": Comma after "end", before "a".

"... and its...": Begin a new sentence. "It's features..."

"... The only interesting things about the room included...": "The only interesting thing about it was ..."

"... - it looked very much like one that would usually be used to hold books.": Is this crucial to the story? If not, remove.

"... 6 orbs-...": Comma after "orbs". 6 should be spelled out. The dash should be a comma.

"They bobbed up and down simultaneously, reflecting multi-coloured myriads of light off the walls.": "They bobbed up and down, throwing multi-coloured myriads of light onto the walls."

Lance peered around curiously, then after surmising that no one was there, took a few steps forward. The pedestal remained unchanging, but the spheres presented a strange attraction that he had never felt before. He extended out a hand to touch them- then another white flash and he was gone.

"... then after surmising that no one was there...": "Lance peered around curiously. No one was there--he took a few steps forward."

"The pedestal remained unchanging...": As the pedestal remains unchanging, you don't have to mention it.

"He extended out a hand to touch them, then another white flash and he was gone.": "Extended" implies that he reached out, so "out" is unnecessary. This sentence presents an interesting surprise - Lance's second disappearance - and contains a great deal of untapped potential. To evoke that potential, and infuse the finale with a satisfying punch, you could write,

He extended a hand to touch them.

There was a white flash. Lance was gone.

Or something to that effect.


This was a nice post to shred, Jayolorin. Thank you for permitting me to do so. ^^ If you have any questions or comments regarding this, please PM.

Shredding: Angel's first post in the Battle thread Saints & Sinners.

“Subject seems to have abnormal muscle structure around canines, therefore increasing his jaws crushing capacity. Almost as if he used it to puncture something with his teeth.” The doctor muttered, using a scalpel to cut open to gums to get a closer look at the muscle.

"... therefore increasing...": "Increasing" has the potential to lead the reader to believe the subject is alive. It can be confusing, therefore, when they discover, a paragraph down, that said subject is in fact dead. To expunge this possibility of confusion, change "therefore increasing" to "which increased". It puts things in past tense and hints at the subject's deceased state.

"... jaws...": Jaws’

"Almost as if he used it to puncture something with his teeth.” The...": An incomplete sentence. As it clearly depends upon the previous sentence to make sense, why not annex it to said sentence with a change in punctuation, like so:

“Subject seems to have abnormal muscle structure around canines, which increased his jaws crushing capacity... almost as if he used it to puncture something with his teeth."

Also, the doctor's dialogue should end in a comma, not a period (and "the" should be lowercase). Because this is a direct quotation, a comma is needed to indicate that:

"... to puncture something with his teeth,” the doctor muttered...

"... to gums...": "... the gums."

I have a suggestion regarding this phrase. The reader must infer the details of the scene upon which they are looking in this first paragraph, which, in some cases, is not a bad thing, but could result in confusion. Rather than say, "the gums", give the gums some description, so as to start building a setting for the reader and allude to what we will later discover (that the subject is dead). "... using a scalpel to cut through the chalk-dried gums..." or something to that effect.

“Too bad his body got punctured before he could use them.” A man to her right grunted, who was examining the large slit in his chest, directly above where the heart was. Other doctors were making observations, prodding, poking, and cutting in several places, looking the corpse over in great detail. The silence in the autopsy room was hardly ever broken, unless they had found a discovery. Before they had finished, another man came rushing in through the silver doors at one end of the room. He was adorned with a classical blue robe of a doctor, and was holding several vials of blood in his hands.

"... them." A: Again, because this is a direct quotation, substitute the period for a comma, and capital "a" for lowercase "a".

"... , who...": The sentence grows lengthy, so end it here. Rather than "who", say "he".

"... his...": "His" leads the reader to think the doctor, not the subject, has a slit in his chest. Specify whose chest the slit is in. (The patient or perhaps cadaver - this might go towards alluding, again, to the fact the subject is dead and building a setting for your reader.)

"... above where the heart was.": "... above the heart." "Where" and "was" are unnecessary.

"... they had found...": Since "discovery" implies finding, "they had found" is repetitive. "There was" gets your meaning across without repetition..

"... adorned with a...": "Adorned" when referring to a full garment is an off-sounding verb; perhaps dressed or garbed:

He was dressed in the classical blue robe of a doctor...

“I think you need to see the results of the samples.” The man said shakily, handing each person around the table a vial, and then rummaging around in his pockets. After a few breath-taking moments, he withdrew a slip of paper with lots of black writing on, which he then passed to a doctor. After reading it with wide eyes, he passed it to another, until it finally arrived at the female doctor.

""... samples." The...": Direct quotation. Change period to a comma.

"... breath-taking...": Were the moments described as "breath-taking" excellent and outstanding? Or was the doctor breathing hard? Perhaps:

He gasped for breath, withdrawing a slip of paper...

"... with lots of black writing on...": "... covered in black writing..."

"... he...": "... the doctor...", to make it clear that this is the second doctor of whom you speak, and not the messenger.

Valion had his head firmly pressed against the concrete floor of the roof, his real eye closed. However, his bionic was whizzing about in its socket...

"However, his bionic...": "His bionic eye..."

You know that leaving a mark is forbidden.R.V grunted...

"... forbidden. R.V...": Direct quotation. Change period to a comma.

Satisfied that the vampire was indeed truly dead, Valion blinked, watching as color returned to his vision.

"... watching as color returned to his vision.": Valion's bionic eye renders the world black and white to his vision? Mention this fact somewhere above.

No, Magnus was the last one, you don’t have anything scheduled for another two days.

"... , you...": "No, Magnus was the last one. You..."

Despite the harsh tone of which his counterpart spoke to him, Valion laughed, glad at least that he would never be alone. Spreading his wings from underneath the coat that hid them, the angel took flight, disappearing into the night within moments.

"... of...": "... with..."

"Spreading his wings from underneath the coat that hid them...": How does Valion accomplish this? It would be a difficult feat to perform. The coat would act as a restraint, keeping his wings pinned to his back. And even if he were able to unfurl his wings, the overcoat would hinder flight.

Furling his wings before he was anywhere near the floor, Valion let himself fall, the air rushing past him. Landing with a thump, the angel looked down to see that the pavement had cracked. Shaking himself to get rid of any moisture that might have accumulated while he was flying, the angelic being made his way to the black three storey building in front of him. Instead of using the door, the angel simply jumped, propelling himself upwards to a first floor window, which was conveniently open. Fitting through with slight difficulty, Valion grumbled as he noticed the severely low temperature, making his breath crystallize in front of his eyes.

"... looked...": "Looked", to me, seems to suggest something momentous, rather than Valion simply peering down to realise he had cracked the pavement. "Glanced" is an apter word.

"... black three storey...": "... black, three-storey..."

"Fitting...": "Slipping" seems an apter word.

"... making his breath crystallize in front of his eyes.": Can breath truly crystallize? Perhaps vaporize would serve as a better word. Also, either crystallized or vaporized could be used as the primary verb, instead of "making":

Valion grumbled as he noticed the severely low temperature. His breath vaporized before his eyes.

In every room except yours, Nyle’s & Sudran’s...

"... Nyle’s & Sudran’s...": "... yours, Nyles, and Sudran's..."

Grumbling, the angelic being made his way through the building, stopping only so often to jump over a large patch of ice. After ten minutes and climbing the last two floors, Valion arrived at a simple white door. Like the one back in the Dome, it had his name inscribed upon it, but the door wasn’t nearly as durable. Pushing it open with one hand, the angel immediate felt a wave of hot air hit him, warming him up only for a few moments before the cold of the building invaded his private sanctum. Closing the door behind him, Valion let his overcoat fall from his back, his wings unfurling as soon as they sensed it.

"After ten minutes and climbing the last two floors...": "After ten minutes and two floors..."

"... but the door wasn’t nearly as durable.": "... but wasn't nearly as durable." (Since "the door" as a subject is clear.)

"... with one hand...": Not an especially vital detail.

"... Valion let his overcoat fall from his back...": "Valion shed his overcoat..."

"... they sensed it.": "... it was gone."

Flopping onto his bed with an unceremoniously large jump, the angelic being sighed, wrapping his quilt around him in order to try and get warmer. Looking up at the ceiling, his thoughts immediately turned to his would-be wife and son, and of course, his ever doubtful father.

You will see them again before we pass through another millennia, and you know what will be needed to accomplish that… my removal from you. R.V muttered, obviously trying to cheer his counterpart up by talking about his own destruction. Taking solace in the fact, the angel rolled over, falling asleep within moments.

"... in order to try and get warmer.": "... in an attempt to grow warm."

"... his ever doubtful father.": His father has a tendency to doubt? Or is his existence in question? Elucidate.

"... that...": Is "that" being the said removal of R.V? If so, "that" is unnecessary.

"... R.V muttered, obviously trying to cheer his counterpart up ...": "... R.V. muttered. It was an obvious attempt to cheer up his counterpart,..."

Overhead, seven beings watched the angel progressed from a light sleep, to a demon induced nightmare.

He must undergo this task alone.

If he does so, he will truly die, even if the darkness in his soul is contained…

The darkness, yes. It is growing within him, and Hadriel grows restless, eager to become a sentient mind.

We send the seven with him, and hopefully, they will help him to regain the soul of the eighth.

However, they are scattered through time and around the globe, how do we gather them to the temple?

We let our lambs gather themselves to re-join and become a herd, and Valion must be the shepherd. Give him the knowledge of the temple, and of the seven.

What about the seven, do they credit no warning either?

That will be for each being here to decide, if they want to warn their seventh, then so be it.

Dispersing like stars they were, the seven beings left the morning sky, leaving the fallen angel with two gifts, knowledge, and hope.

"... progressed...": Move

"... sleep,...": Delete comma.

"... demon induced...": Demon-induced. Treat as one adjective.

"... globe, how...": "... globe. How..."

"... re-join...": Rejoin

"... temple, and...": "... temple and..."

"... seven, do they credit...": "... seven? Do they.... Regarding "credit": its usage doesn't make sense. Do you mean "receive"?

"... decide, if ...": "... decide. If..."

"... like stars...": "... like the stars..."

"... two gifts, knowledge, and hope.": "... two gifts: knowledge and hope."


And there you go. A few things to remember: watch your direct quotations, and be sure to end them with a comma, as opposed to a period. Give the reader some idea of the setting right off through allusion if you don't describe the scene initially. Watch out for run-ons (That will be for each being here to decide, if they want to warn their seventh, then so be it.) and watch an excess of adverbs.

Thank you for permitting me to shred this post Angel; 'twas fun. ^^ PM if you have any questions or comments on the above revision.

Shredding: Wielder of the Sword's first post in the Crossroads thread, Field of the Beholder's Eye.

The dragon released a soft sigh as he knelt before a shady tree and sat quietly. He had come a long way, not quite knowing why, and the trip had sapped his strength. His body craved rest. The field of wildflowers in which he now sat was nothing if not picturesque. The wind carried the scent of the ocean. This was nature at its finest. In fact, the only sign that man had ever walked here was a cabin not far off. Though, it wasn’t so much a cabin as a cozy home, one-story, in a large L-shape that cornered off the field from the horizon. The dragon-man guessed someone was living there now, seeing as one of the two windows was lit. He silently hoped whoever was there wouldn’t notice him.

"... released a soft sigh...": "Release" is implied in the act of sighing, and is therefore unnecessary:

The dragon sighed...

"He had come a long way...": From where? Expanding this, if ever so briefly, would aid in setting the scene.

"The field of wildflowers in which he now sat was nothing if not picturesque.": This sentence abruptly brings the viewer's attention from contemplation of Drake's fatigue to the field - the transition feel choppy. At the least, give this its own paragraph, as it concentrates upon the scene now. Also, the lines following this sentence make an ideal spot for you to expand upon what makes this field so "picturesque", what consists of a field displaying "nature at its finest". At the moment, the reader is left with only a vague picture.

"Though...": Unnecessary. "Though" relies heavily upon the preceding sentence, but is obliged to hold its own as it is seperated by a period, thus giving it an interrupted feel. Also, the manner in which the sentence (following "though") is structured, it implies "though" well enough without the word.

"... , one-story...": "... a cozy home: one-story..." (Use a colon, as opposed to a comma, as a description of that cozy home is intorduced.)

"... L-shape that cornered off the field from the horizon..": An oddly shaped cabin... And rather than corner off the actual field, the field would instead corner off Drake's vision of the horizon.

Reclining on the ground against the tree and crossing his arms over his chest, he sank into his thoughts. It had been only a short time since the funeral. Drake still couldn’t believe his brother, one of the Tears, was dead. According to Terrin, there was no way he could have survived, yet no body remained for proof. Only ash, he said. Brother…are you still out there somewhere?

"... on the ground...": Implied in the previous paragraph. Unnecessary.

"... yet...": It may be just me, but "yet", like "though" in the previous paragraph, feels off. "Yet" lends completion to the following sentence, that doesn't depend upon the preceding one, but the comma links the two. "Though", however, works well here. I would suggest "though", as opposed to "yet".

"... he said...": Terrin said this?

His eyes slowly closed, and before long, he was asleep. If he listened closely, he could almost hear a voice from the depths of oblivion. It was vague, and the words were unclear, but it certainly was familiar.

"... he...": "He" is starting to be overused. A proper noun, here and there, would ease this.

"If he listened closely, he could almost hear a voice from the depths of oblivion.": "Listening" suggests Drake is awake, a complete controversy to the preceding sentence. Rather then have him strain in his slumber to hear a voice, you describe it has coming to him, or something to that effect. Concerning the usage of "almost": I find it unnecessary. He either hears it or doesn't... though this could be disputed.

"... were...": Delete.

I’ve been better. There was a sigh. Is Amy alright? I…haven’t seen her in a while.

"... alright...": It's a disputed spelling, one that is mentioned as such in the dictionary, but the correct spelling is "all right". Just as one wouldn't write "alwrong", one shouldn't write, "alright".

His body was rested, and so he rose to his feet, hitting his head on a low branch. He winced in mild irritation, but let the limb off with a glare before ignoring it. To his right, around the side of the cabin, he glimpsed a figure. His pale eyes narrowed as he scrutinized the person, then decided he’d rather not be seen. Swift as could be, he darted forward, spread his wings, and leapt high. As Drake noiselessly hit the roof of the cabin, the person came into view. He crouched low at the roof's edge, watching carefully to see what this newcomer would do.

"... was...": Unnecessary.

"... , and so he...": If you delete "was", this phrase is too unnecessary. Replace with the dragon's name.

"... hitting his head on a low branch. He winced in mild irritation, but let the limb off with a glare before ignoring it. To his right, around the side of the cabin, he glimpsed a figure.": "His head collided with a low branch; wincing, he glowered at it - but paused as a figure appeared around the side of the cabin, to his right." A suggestion.

"His pale eyes narrowed as he scrutinized the person, then decided he’d rather not be seen.": "... as he scrutinized the person, then decided..." Unnecessary:

His pale eyes narrowed - he'd rather not be seen.

"... hit...": "... lit upon..."

"... low...": "Crouched" covers this adjective.

And there you go. Watch your pronouns, and be careful not to overuse them where a proper noun would fit as well, and watch your use of "was" and "were" - they're not always necessary and can make the sentence longer. This was a nice piece; thank you for allowing me to shred this post. PM if you have any questions.

Shredding: Nikuvillain's first post in The Boy That Learned nothing.

Outside in night storm there stood a kid crying at two dead bodies. By looking at the mud outside you can tell he pulled them out there. The kid stood there in a brown shorts and a green short sleeve shirt. The two bodies were laying the dead one male and the other female. “Mom, father I will never let this happen again. I will go to grandfathers house and lean to fight. I will become the strongest in the world!” the boy screamed out, as if to reach out to the havens. He grabbed the sword that sat next to him a hold it up in to the air. “Father I will become stronger with your sword. Father your sword will always protect me. I can feel the power that lays with in it.”

"... in night storm...":

"... at...": over

"By looking at the mud outside you can tell he pulled them out there.": Revise this sentence so that 1) you are not addressing the reader (i.e. "you"); 2) the tense no longer conflicts with that in the previous and following sentences ("can" is present, and the story's tense is past); 3) dragged the bodies from where? To where?

"... a brown shorts...": "A" is unnecessary

"... green short sleeve shirt.": "... green, short-sleeved shirt."

"The two bodies were laying the dead one male and the other female.": Repetition - the reader is already aware that the two are dead. Add the fact the deceased are a man and woman to the first mention of their defunct state:

[First line] Rain poured down upon a little boy, who stood crying over the dead bodies of a man and woman.

"... Mom, father...": The two words don't exactly complement one another... perhaps, "Mother, father..."?

"... I will never let this happen again.": Seeing as the parents are unfortunately perished, this situation will not be happening again... unless he means to someone else. But he's a child - how could he prevent their deaths to begin with?

"... grandfathers ...": "... grandfather's..."

"... lean ...": learn

"... strongest ...": Strongest what?

"... havens...": heavens

"He grabbed the sword that sat next to him a hold it up in to the air.": Wait a moment! We haven't been introduced to the existence of the sword, and yet, there it is. Where did it come from? Why is it in the rain? Did the boy bring it with him when he dragged his parents from somewhere? Why?

"Father I will become stronger with your sword.": "Father, I will..." And he knew how to use the sword already? How old is this protagonist?

"Father your...": "Father, your..."

"... with in...": within

The young boy started to lower the sword and the pendent started to shine a dim light that touched the sword. The sword changed when the light stop shining from the pendent. The sword now had a dragon on it then I let off one pulse of light. What is this? What just happen? Why is everything changing? While the kid what thinking about what just happened a wolf howled. The boy heard this and ran towards his grandfather house but got stopped by a wolf. He when an turned around to run but seen another wolf he was quickly surrounded by a pact of wolves.

"... the pendent...": What pendant?

"The sword now had a dragon on it then I let off one pulse of light.": 1) Where did the sword change? At the blade? The hilt? The pommel? Give the altered sword some further description. 2) "I" should be "it"

"While the kid what thinking about what just happened a wolf howled.": Where is the boy?

"... ran towards his grandfather house...": 1) grandfather's; 2) This strikes me as quite odd... where is the grandfather's house? Is it close, and so justifies the boy running toward it?

"He when an turned around to run but seen another wolf he was quickly surrounded by a pact of wolves.": "He turned around to run but saw another wolf. He was soon surrounded by the pack."

“No! No! I can’t die here! Don’t let me die here father!” the young boy cried out holding his sword in his hand. The sword give out a dark light pulse, as a shadow grew from in back of the boy the sword pulse faster and faster. The wolves ran at the sight of this shadow monster forming. When the big shadow took form you could see it was a small little baby dragon. I boy passed out right after the baby dragon was summon.

"... holding his sword in his hand.": It's obvious he would have his sword in his hand, so the reference to his hand is unnecessary.

"... give...": Gave

"... a dark light pulse...": Oxymoron. "Dark light pulse" doesn't make a great deal of sense.

"... , as a shadow grew from in back of the boy the sword pulse faster and faster.": "... pulse. A shadow was growing behind the boy. The sword's pulsing light quickened.

"When the big shadow took form you could see it was a small little baby dragon.": Another contradiction of terms. Why is the shadow "big" when it's a "small baby" dragon?

"I boy...": The boy

"... summon...": Summoned

“This is no good he has not yet master this form of the sword. So, how did he get to this level so fast. This boy… No, something happened that was not foreseen. I must get him back to his family before something else happens. If me the dark ruler of the pendent and sword lets him die, it would be a cold day in hell,” The little Dragon muttered. He then tried to pull the boy back to his house but gave up quickly. “I’ll just get the old master to take him home.”

"This is no good he has not yet master this form of the sword.": Run-on sentence. "This is no good. He has not yet mastered this form of the sword."

"... how did he get to this level so fast.": "... fast?"

"... If me the dark ruler of the pendent and sword lets him die, it would be a cold day in hell,' The little Dragon muttered.": "Before I, the dark ruler of the pendent and sword, let him die, it will be a cold day in hell," the little Dragon muttered.

The little dragon flew back to the boys house when he seen the old master die and his wife dead laying in the middle for the street. “Oh, no! That’s what the bad thing happen is. This is not good I hope his grandfather is still a live. That old man would never let himself die. He just doesn’t know how to die right,” the Dragon implied, then flew back to the boy. He see the boy was trying to get back up already after summoning him. “Well my job is done here,” he said with a release of air then disappeared.

"... boys...": boy's

"... when he seen the old master die and his wife dead laying in the middle for the street.": "... , but discovered the old master and his wife lying dead in the middle of the street." Also, note on the logic: why did the boy drag them out into the middle of the street?

"That’s what the bad thing happen is.": "That's what the bad thing that would happen is."

"This is not good I hope his grandfather is still a live.": Run-on sentence. "This is not good. I hope his grandfather is still alive."

"He just doesn’t know how to die right,” the Dragon implied, then flew back to the boy.": End the quote without a tag, i.e. "He just doesn't know how to die right." The Dragon flew back to the boy.

"... was trying to get back up already after summoning him.": "... was already trying to get up."

"... he said with a release of air...": "With a release of air" should be "sighing".

The boy got back on his feet and look up at the sky. It stopped rain… I guess it's my lucky day. Thank you father I knew you would always watch me. Well I should start walking to grandfather, I think it's a day walk from here.

"... look...": looked

"... father I...": "... father. I..."

"... grandfather, I...": "... grandfather's. I..."

"... a day walk...": 1) "... a day's walk...". 2) Hmm...

And there you have it. However, before revising your story with the suggested changes, if you choose to do so, please consider the following points:

* This chapter is extraordinarily short, and doesn't give the reader everything he or she needs to know in order to have a satisfying read. Expand in these areas:

1) Setting. Where is this story taking place? Very little description of where this scene is transpiring occurs in the story. Is it in a forest, or somewhere near the woods? (Suggested by the mention of wolves.) Is it in a village (boy and the fact he dragged his parents into the street - but to that latter point, what kind of street? Modern, where the parents would be in danger of getting run over by cars, or perhaps feudal, implying cobblestones. Or is the street more of a road? This is implied by the mud.) It's difficult to envision the setting with the scanty detail.

2) Time and the narrative both move way too quickly. In one paragraph, the boy's pledging to grow strong. In the next, he's running from wolves. There's really no transition, as in, where did the wolves come from? How close is the boy, really, to his grandfather's house? (Since he's running there rather than back into the safety of his own house.) How far did he run before he was stopped by the wolves? The dragon's flying back to his house vaguely suggests he ran quite far.

3) Explanation. You do a good job of beginning in media res, that is, in the middle of the action - but there's a downside to that, namely, the reader is confused if the author does not give some explanation of the things at hand. For example, where did the sword come from? Where did the pendent come from? Why does any of this matter? What place does all this have in the piece? As regarding the boy: who is he? Why are is parents dead? How did they die? What about the grandfather? Who is he, and what qualities does he possess that he wouldn't know how to die correctly? (Sounds a bit strange, I know...)


If you have any questions or comments regarding the revision, do not hesitate to PM me. Thank you for allowing me to shred it. I hope this helps. ^^;;

Shredding: Post #21 in Mr. Man's Mesfido training thread.

A heavy ominous mist tumbled down the dark mountainside settling like a cloud of misfortune, smothering the hopes and dreams of all that it fell apon.

"... heavy ominous...": Insert comma between these words.

"... mountainside settling...": Insert comma between these words.

"... apon...": Upon
* This is a recurring case throughout this piece.

The dark swirling mist rapidly surrounded the sleeping bodies. Mesfido stirred gently, his eyes opened slowly. The fallen angel’s damp eyelids flickered ajar pushing a single frozen icicle from his view. They flickered once, twice... Suddenly the gigantic angel was on his feet, sword in hand. Mesfido’s thick arms tensed, his senses focused.

"... dark swirling...": Insert comma between these words

"Mesfido stirred gently, his eyes opened slowly. The fallen angel’s damp eyelids flickered ajar pushing a single frozen icicle from his view.": Combine these two sentences, omitting "his eyes opened slowly". As the second sentence shows Mesfido opening his eyes, the clause telling us that he is is unnecessary.

"... single frozen...": Comma betwixt the two words.

"... Suddenly the...": Comma

The virtuous warrior’s eyes searched the dark skies around him, his mind perched through the darkness, seeking out its cause.

He looked forward

"... his mind perched through the darkness...": "His mind perched"? "Perched" and "seeking" contradict one another, as one implies movement and the other does not.

"He looked forward": A missing ellipses to finish this line. Just to stay in tune with the other sentences of its like.

Panic began to slowly creep its way into the back of the mighty fallen angel’s mind quickly causing indecision to absorb it. The dark mist was closing in closer and closer, its heavy humidity licking against Mesfido’s tense arms.

"... mind quickly causing indecision to absorb it.": 1) "... mind, quickly..." 2) The meaning of this sentence is somewhat confusing: panic incites indecision, and indecision absorbes panic? Why does Mesfido feel indecision?

"... closing in closer and closer...": "Closer and closer" unneeded.

"... against ...": Unnecessary.

The mighty angel stood strong, Venalis held high and resilient within the grip of his two tough hands, two of the angel’s plaits fell down across his gaunt face, his muscular chest rose up and down slowly, trapped within the rhythm of his breathing, his massive thighs were spaced and tensed gripping the cold ground beneath him. Mesfido’s entire body held itself strong against the closing darkness that threatened to take both his mind and body. He could sense it building with each and every second.

"The mighty angel stood strong, Venalis held high and resilient within the grip of his two tough hands, two of the angel’s plaits fell down across his gaunt face, his muscular chest rose up and down slowly, trapped within the rhythm of his breathing, his massive thighs were spaced and tensed gripping the cold ground beneath him.": Long sentence. Shorten the sentences, and delete the unnecessary ones, like so:

The mighty angel stood strong, Venalis gripped resilently in both hands. Two of the angel's plaits fell down across his gaunt face, and his muscular chest rose and fell. His massive thighs were spaced, tensed, his feet gripping the cold ground beneath him.

* And with that, you have drawn a complete vision of Mesfido. It is extremely clear to the reader that he is big and strong. Now most other references to his strength and size (which, throughout this post, there were quite a few) are excessive and unnecessary.

"Mesfido’s entire body held itself strong...": First clause in the paragraph, repeated. This sentence is needless.

The energies seemed so familiar to the ancient being but he couldn’t pinpoint why. The cloud grew larger and denser pushing itself into any space it could find, the darkness was beginning to shroud his sights pushing its way into his wide eyes. Mesfido felt the evil energies shimmer against his body.

"... being but...": "... being, though..."

"... couldn’t...": This is really just a note. Contractions should not appear in regular prose except in dialogue.

"... denser pushing...": Comma between these two words.

"... find, the...": "... find. The..."

"... sights pushing...": Comma between these words.

Sins began to form themselves in the depths of his mind slowly shaking the slumbering mind of Venalis from its deep sleep.

"... themselves ...": Unneeded.

"... mind slowly...": Comma here.

the angel shook his mind free of the clawing, reaching hands of evil. Slowly he closed over his eyelids covering the darkness.

"the...": Capitalize the "t"

"... reaching ...": grasping

"Slowly he closed over his eyelids covering the darkness.": "He closed his eyes."

Mesfido began to reach out to the elements around him pleading with them to help clear his mind. The darkness began to leave his sight as icy blues, deep browns, fiery reds and rich greens of vivid shades and sizes began to seep into his mind’s eye. One large pocket of bright flaming red and orange caught his attention.

"... him pleading...": Comma.

"... reds and...": Comma.

"... of vivid shades and sizes began to seep...": Just "seeped", as the vividness and volumes of the colours are clearly intimated in your description of them.

The compassionate angel turned his head towards Jaina’s slumbering body, his heart sent a wave of heat thumping through his freezing frame.

"... sent ...": sending

The wide smile vanished; a look of horror was plastered across the fallen angel’s face. Mesfido’s massive figure collapsed to its knees. Cold tears cascaded down the sides of his blue cheeks freezing the scattered shards of his shaking soul.

"... vanished; a look of horror was plastered across the fallen angel’s face.": "... vanished, plastering a look of horror across the fallen angel's face in its wake.

"Mesfido’s massive figure collapsed to its knees.": "Mesfido collapsed to his knees."

"... cheeks freezing the scattered shards of his shaking soul....": 1) "... cheeks, freezing..." 2) This is a wonderful phrase, but it drags the reader from Mesfido's face to his intangible core. Give some indication of the transition.

Within his mind’s eye Mesfido saw darkness spreading quickly through Jaina’s body wiping away the blazing fires of her spirit.... His vision began to fade into nothing...

"... eye Mesfido...": Comma

"... body wiping...": Comma

His fingernails began to claw at the skin of his face trying to force open his shut eyelids.

"... face trying...": Comma

A thick foul smelling liquid coated Mesfido’s hands pouring its way down his arms, covering his skin. His hands reached out in an ecstasy of fumbling, flailing about the air trying to grasp Jaina’s fading spirit.

"... thick foul...": Comma

"... hands pouring...": Comma

"... its way down his arms...": No need for "its way"

"... air trying...": Comma

Something solid connected with his palm. Through the blood Mesfido felt Jaina’s warm hand against his own. The weight of its slender form disappeared; the warmth vanished. He lifted his hands to his face crying his weeping tears into the crimson blood.

"... blood Mesfido...": Comma

"... face crying his weeping tears into the crimson blood.": 1) "... face, crying..." 2) "Weeping tears" is a case of redundancy. Merely write, "crying into the crimson blood." "Crimson blood" is a reduntant also, but it has a poetic tinge...

Dust covered his face. Ash. He placed his hands back to the ground moving them slowly across the freezing rock. A massive pile of ash fell about his arm. His tears fell apon the heap...

"... back to...": against

"... ground moving...": Comma

* With this following paragraph, I think I must mention that adjectives and adverbs are used in this piece to an excess. Adjectives and adverbs give writing a rich quality, but in superabundance are horribly ornate. From here on, I'm going to highlight these descriptive words in blue, so that you might see how many there are...

Jaina’s slender arms shook Mesfido from his horrifying nightmare. Slowly, the fallen angels eyes opened [COLOR=“Blue”]wide[/COLOR], his blue orbs fell apon Jaina’s beautiful radiating face, her smile bringing tears to his eyes. Quickly, he used his sleeve to brush away the remnants of sorrow caused by his dream. Jaina put her warm hand across her companion’s gaunt face, gently passing it down and across his cheek. Mesfido’s tears were replaced by a wide smile and hint of red in his bony cheeks. The massive angel placed his thick elbows behind him, holding his upper body up with their support. The aches and pains of the past day’s journey could still be felt heavy on his shoulder. The weight of his Sparing Armour, although feeling lighter, still restricted his movement and comfort.

"... arms...": Hands

"... angels...": Angel's

"... fell apon...": Falling upon

"... face, her smile bringing tears to his eyes.": "... face. Her smile brought tears to his eyes."

"... holding his upper body up with their support.": "... hefting up his upper body."

"... could still be felt heavy ...": "... were still heavy..."

"... although feeling lighter...": "... although lighter..."

“I’m sorry if I gave you fright there, Jaina. I just had a horrid dream, I was glad to see you here when I woke up.” Mesfido lifted his own hand to Jaina’s face, holding her chin in his gigantic palm.

"... dream, I ...": Period instead of a comma

"... own...": Unnecessary.

“No worries. We had better get going, you know how Kenjin is about timing.” With that Jaina rose from her knees, brushing some grains of dust from her emerald dress. She quickly set about collecting and readying all the items that were loose around the makeshift campsite. A pile of ashes lay spread across the ground where the bright little fire had burned the pervious night. Mesfido painfully rose to his feet, his legs and all the rest of his body aching. He began to help Jaina collecting up all the scarce supplies.

"... from her knees...": Unneeded.

"With that...": Comma between these two words.

"... some...": Unneeded.

"... across the ground...": Unneeded

"... pervious ...": previous

Something shone in the early morning sun. The glittering object pierced Mesfido’s sights, slowly he began to approach the spot from which the shine was radiating.

"... sights, slowly he began to approach...": "... sights. Slowly, he approached..."

"... shine...": Perhaps "beam" would be a better word.

The mighty fallen angel bent down, his knees shaking from the weight and strain of keeping him balanced. Next to the small pile of ash was a shining piece of metal, the rune for Jaina’s touchstone. Slowly and carefully Mesfido lowered his massive hand and grabbed the piece of metal within his skillful fingers. He must have dropped the rune when he fell asleep the pervious night. A thin layer of ash had coated parts of the rune.

"... him...": Himself

"... shining ...": An unneeded adjective

"... carefully Mesfido...": Comma between these words

"... when he fell asleep the pervious night.": Subsitute "last" for "previous night"

Mesfido rose to his feet once again. Gently, he began to dust the ash from the tiny metal art piece. A beautiful song entered his keen ears. Its graceful, melancholy tune struck a cord deep within his soul, calling out the deep locked away emotions.

"... once again.": Unnecessary

"... calling out the deep locked away emotions.": "... calling out deep, locked away emotions:"

Each word hit the fallen angel’s mind, body and soul, each calling forth memories shut deep within the dark. Distant pasts flickered alight throughout his mind opening doors long thought to have been lost.

"... body and soul...": "... body, and soul..."

"... each calling...": "Each" is unnecessary.

"Distant pasts flickered alight throughout his mind opening doors long thought to have been lost.": "Distant pasts flickered throughout his mind, opening doors long thought to have been lost."

The beautiful yet sorrowful song disappeared on the high northerly winds, carrying the thoughts of a fallen angel away within it. Mesfido’s bright blue eyes gazed out blankly, lost within the songs rhyme and rhythm. Jaina looked up from a small bag she had strapped around her waist, her eyes fell on Mesfido’s blank expression.

"... yet...": Personally, I'm not fond of this word. A comma, instead of "yet" would do just as well in this case.

"... within ...": With

"... bright blue eyes...": The colour of Mesfido's eyes were mentioned prior to this.

"... fell ...": Falling

She looked deep into Mesfido’s eyes.

"... deep...": Deeply

“I don’t know, Jaina, things have been so strange these past few days. I don’t know what I think. I’m certain I just heard a song being carried on the wind but maybe I imagined it... I just don’t know what to believe.”

"... wind but...": Comma here

Sadness and confusion lined every inch and atom of the ancient angel’s features. The words of the song were still running through his mind “All that glitters is not gold...This night all shall know their course.” First the dream, now the song, he didn’t know what to except next. A worry of growing insanity began to form in his mind.

"... mind...": Follow this with a colon.

"... now the song, he...": "... now the song. He..."

Finally Jaina broke its bonds.

"... Finally Jaina ...": Comma between these words.

“We had better get going. There’s a blizzard closing in. We should try and find shelter before it gets here.” Once again Jaina broke Mesfido’s trail of thought bringing him back to the plane of reality.

"... again Jaina...": Comma here.

"... thought bringing...": Comma here.

“Yes, your right, we had better.” The fallen angel glanced down at his open palm. The rune still lay against its rough surface. Slowly, the angel tore his gaze away from it and placed the tiny object in his tight pocket.

"... your ...": You're

In silence, the pair of travelers began the ascent towards the mighty heights of the ominous mountain. They seemed like ants compared to the size and powers that were locked deep within the mountains secrets just waiting for the right moment to escape.

"... powers that were locked deep within the mountains secrets...": "... powers that were locked deep within the range, secrets...

A blistering wind swept across the mountainside tearing and ripping at the skin and clothes of the two resilient travelers. Masses of white snow poured down apon their backs weighing them down and freezing them to their very souls.

"... mountainside tearing...": Comma between these two words.

"... apon their backs weighing...": "... upon their backs, weighing..."

Mesfido and Jaina walked bent-double like old beggars under sacks, their heads held low against natures assault. Their skin was blue, their lips purple. Teeth chattered like jackhammers, inaudible above the sounds of thrashing and howling angry winds. A massive expanse of white-blanketed snow stretched out far and wide, covering all else from the light of the world. Not a single animal could be heard or seen, not even the snow leopard or the white ferret dared tempt the hand of fate. Miles below the travelers’ feet lay the land they had left, the land of rich meadows and bright shining stars. A world of ice and dread was all they had now.

"... natures...": Nature's

"... howling angry...": Comma between these two words.

"... A massive expanse of white-blanketed snow...": "White-blanketed" is traditionally used to describe the landscape, not the snow, as using this phrase to describe snow is repeditive.

"... world...": Replace this with "sun", as it is the sun that gives light, as opposed to the earth.

"... seen, not...": "... seen. Not..."

Superfluous adjectives and adverbs are highlighted in blue. I will leave them to your discretion to keep or delete. Redundant phrases are highlighted in green.

The mighty former archangel dug his booted feet deep into the thick layers of snow trying to muster all his strength to pull himself forth each and every inch. Next to him stood Jaina using equally as much effort. A blue hue had entered her tan skin, chilling her bones into a state of painless ecstasy. Mesfido’s massive wings did all they could to protect himself and his dear friend for the horrid winds. A thin layer of snow and ice was beginning to form across their chaste feathers. The lack of feeling within Mesfido’s body had made the extra weight on his back nearly completely unnoticeable. Through the haze of white blizzard Mesfido’s half-shut eyes lay to rest on a large, dark opening [B]with the mountainside[B].

”… trying to…: Unnecessary. “Mustering” works perfectly fine,

”… each and every inch…: This phrase drags the sentence on longer than it needs to be. Delete.

”Next to him stood Jaina using equally as much effort.: Considering these two are straining against a blizzard, Jaina probably would not be standing. ”Next to him, Jaina struggled with equal effort.”

”… into a state of painless ecstasy.: This phrase isn’t necessary.

”… his dear friend for the horrid winds.: “For” should be “from”

”… blizzard Mesfido’s…: Comma between these two words.

”… lay to rest…: Rested.

”… with the mountainside…: Within the mountainside.

“Jaina... I think we might be in luck.” [B]The angel’s voice could be heard piercing momentarily through the howls of the vile wind[.B]. His large hand gestured stiffly towards the gloomy looking entrance cavity. The fiery woman next to him gave a slow nod of her head. With that the pair set their course towards the potential shelter.

”The angel’s voice could be heard piercing momentarily through the howls of the vile wind”: “Could be hear” drags the sentence on too long, and the adverb (“momentarily”) should generally precede the word it modifies.

The angel’s voice momentarily pierced the howls of the wind.

”… entrance cavity.”: “Entrance” unnecessary.

”… that the…”: Comma between these two.

Slowly, painfully slow, the cave mouth grew closer. Already the exhausted travelers could feel the warmth of the crevice heating them with its high walls and deep spaces.

At last they set foot within the darkness. The merciless winds batter as they may, could not reach them now. The eerie silence of the place chilled nearly as much as the blizzard itself. The howls and screeches of the torrent could still be heard but they sounded as though they had been placed miles away, far off in the backdrop. Slowly and stiffly Jaina stretched forward her nimble hand, a small fiery blaze erupted forth from her blue tinted palm. The tiny flame cast a dim light across the cave walls. Neither warrior had the strength to look around at their surroundings. The two collapsed against the stony wall, quickly falling into a deep slumber.

”… last they…”: Comma between these two words.

”… winds batter…”: Comma here

”… heard but…”: Comma here

”… had been placed…”: Simply “were” will do.

”… erupted forth from…”: “… erupting from…”

”… at their surroundings.”: Not especially necessary.

Mesfido’s ears were greeted by quiet as his head lifted stiffly from its pillow of rock. Gently, the angel rolled out the creeks and cracks in his tight neck. He lifted his sodden body from the floor. He felt well compared to how he had been before reaching this godsend.

”… his head lifted stiffly…”: ”… he stiffly lifted his head…”

The angel’s light blue eyes gazed down at Jaina’s still sleeping body. Suddenly an image entered his mind, for a second he saw her as he had in his dream. A pile of ash lay smoldering in her place. The sight shocked the fallen angel. For a second tears began to well up in his eyes once more but quickly he brought himself back. “What is this place doing to me? My mind has never been so unclear...”

”Suddenly an…”: Comma here

”… mind, for a second he…”: Replace the comma with a semicolon, and add a comma between “second and “he”

”… once more…”: Expunge; it muddles the sentence by making it longer than it needs to be.

The angel tried as much as he could to wipe that dream and all the thoughts it had led to from his mind but they did not want to leave. The darkness of the cave left him alone with his thoughts.

”… mind but…”: Comma here

Mesfido walked over to the cave entrance, gazing out over the sunlit lands far below, a longing sprung into his heart. He had become attached to this land of his teacher. It held beauties beyond the comprehension of the gods of earth. Every blade of grass was sacred, every animal was holy; every atom had more beauty locked within it than entire empires of the world Mesfido had grown in. A drop of icy water trickled onto the angel’s cheek. The chilling cold reminded him of something.

”… sunlit lands…”: Curious: would that happen to be the “rich meadows” he and Jaina left behind?

”… gods of earth…”: But wouldn’t the “gods of earth” comprehend the excellence of the land. Which one would suppose is of their own creation?

”… holy; every…”: Semicolon should be a comma.

“ This land is filled light but these mountains are filled with dark.

”… is filled light…”: Filled with light.

A cool northern wind blew across Mesfido’s face, an image of Celina’s face past through his mind’s eye. Slowly, her youth smile turned to a scornful look of hate.

”… past…”: Passing

A murmur from behind broke the angel’s train of thought. Gradually, he turned his head over his shoulder holding his gaze on Jaina’s stirring body. After tumbling around the floor for a second or two her twisting form settled.

”… over his shoulder…”: Since this is the position of the head expected when one is looking over one’s shoulder, this phrase is redundant.

”… holding his gaze…”: Simply “gazed” will do.

”… two her…”: Comma here.

Something behind Jaina was calling out to Mesfido. Something hidden in the dark. After his philosophical [B]thoughts his[B] mind was tingling for new answers and new questions. Curiosity was brimming over the edge of the jar.

”… thoughts his…”: Comma here.

Carefully and gently Mesfido placed his dark right hand against Jaina’s cold arm.

Quick as a flash a bright fire appeared in his palm, lighting the caves walls with its flickering flames. All the details Mesfido had failed to take in the pervious night suddenly came into view.

“… flash a…”: Comma here

“… pervious…”: Previous

Hundreds apon thousands of shining crystals filled his eyes, their irregular surfaces reflecting the light of his tiny fire and shattering it into a display of millions of different colours cast across the grey cave walls. The beauty of the sight surpassed even the beauties of the sunlit meadows.

“… apon…”: Upon

“ Hundreds apon thousands of shining crystals filled his eyes, their irregular surfaces reflecting the light of his tiny fire and shattering it into a display of millions of different colours cast across the grey cave walls.”: Long sentence. Another break at some point would decrease its apparent length.

The crystals varied in size, some only as big as a fingernail, others spanning entire walls. Their shining lights could be seen glowing down miles into the mountain’s core. The pair of travelers had inadvertently stumbled apon their goal and hadn’t even realized it.

“… shining lights…”: Are the gems giving off light? Or are they merely reflecting the light Mesfido carries? If so, the reflections of Mesfido’s fire would be perceived.

“… apon…”: Upon

A pair of twin crystals were lying side by side on the floor only metres from Mesfido’s feet. Slowly and carefully the fallen angel grabbed them in his hands. Reluctantly, he extinguished the flame in his palm. The gems felt light for their size, each weighting no more than a large insect. Their jagged surface felt smooth against the skin, their rough edges softened with contact. Mesfido, being a craftsman of sorts, took in every fine detail on the precious jewels. Finally he decided to wake Jaina. The fallen angel placed the two crystals in his pocket.

“… in his hands…”: Of course he grabbed them in his hands. :3

Mesfido leant down beside Jaina as he gently tapped her soft skin with his large hand. Slowly the fiery woman began to stir.

“… as he gently tapped…”: “… gently tapping…”

“What? What is it?” Jaina quickly lifted herself from the rocky floor, nearly managing to smack her head off a stone jutting out from the rock face.

“… off…”: Against

Mesfido pointed his hand towards the far end of the cave. “Light a fire, quick.”

“… his hand…”: Unnecessary.

Within a second Jaina had a flame burning in her palm. A look of awe plastered itself to her beautiful face as her eyes came to rest on the gigantic, wondrous mine that lay before her.

“… second Jaina…”: Comma here

“… plastered itself…”: A peculiar verb choice. “Fell over” would work better

“Oh my lord, its so... so beautiful. I’ve never seen anything quite like it.” Jaina’s eyes were still latched to the sight before her as she spoke the words. Suddenly she glanced up into Mesfido’s glowing face, “Wait, this must be the mine Kenjin spoke of. We had better get our crystals and then get going. We don’t want to disappoint the Encorna.”

“… its…”: It’s

“… Jaina’s eyes were still latched to the sight before her as she spoke the words. Suddenly she glanced up into Mesfido’s glowing face, “Wait…”: It really isn’t necessary to state that Jaina’s eyes remained on the gems. Also, a period should follow “glowing face”, as opposed to a comma.

“… I’ve never seen anything quite like it.” She glanced up into Mesfido’s glowing face. “Wait…”

A rare smile crossed the fallen angel’s face as he brought one of the small crystals out of his pockets. He had its clasped in his right hand “I’mway ahead of you. I grabbed one for you too.”

”… hand…”: Should be followed by a period.

“Thanks. That means we can...” Jaina had placed her hand on the crystal Mesfido held. Suddenly the gem began to glow.

”Suddenly…”: Comma should follow with word.

A dark light filled the jewel, blacking out its glow. The darkness was radiating forth from the gem casting shadow out in every direction. The darkness kept growing and growing.

“… was radiating forth…”: Radiated

“… gem casting…”: Comma here

“The darkness kept growing and growing.”: “Kept growing” lends the sentence a vaguely passive feel, while “the darkness” is redundant, it, the subject, having already been introduced.

It was growing.

“I’m not doing anything. I can’t let go, it won’t let me.” Mesfido rose his free hand to his dark arm trying with all his might to pull it free. Jaina was doing likewise.

“ Mesfido rose his free hand to his dark arm trying with all his might to pull it free.”: Is he trying to pull the gem from his arm? “Mesfido seized [his dark arm?], trying with all his might to pull it free.”

Suddenly, when there was only darkness left the gem erupted with light blasting the two friends across the room. Mesfido crashed against the hard cave wall, his back cracking with the force of the impact. Painfully, he lifted himself from the ground. Through the clearing dust he saw Jaina’s body lying limp across the floor. Quick as his weight would allow, Mesfido raced towards Jaina’s body.

“ Suddenly, when there was only darkness left…”: “Just as the darkness swallowed the cave…”

Skidding to a halt he fell to his knees by his companion’s side. He lifted her slender hand in his thick hands, no pulse beat within it. Tears began to flow freely down his thin cheeks, his shimmering eyes gazed at Jaina’s motionless form crumpled against the wall. Through the haze of tears the angel watched her dying, her life shortening with every passing second. Mesfido’s distorted cries echoed through the empty cavern. The fallen angel placed his left fingertips against Jaina’s cold skin, willing all his energy into her. He did not care for himself; he did not care for anything other than her. He would give her all his energy, all his life, just for her.

* Jaina is first described “lying limp across the floor” in the paragraph preceding, and then “crumpled against the wall” in this one. Where is she?

“… halt he…”: Comma here

“… by his companion’s side …”: Not an especially necessary phrase.

“… hand…”: Wrist, as he’s feeling her pulse.

“… hands,…”: Replace comma with a semicolon.

“… gazed…”: Gazing

“… the angel watched her dying, her life shortening with every passing second.”: If Jaina’s pulse had stopped, she would be dead. But you describe her as dying. So perhaps her pulse beats faintly, as opposed to halt altogether.

The tears froze on his face as he forced his energy into her cold, still body. Every atom in his being gave its energy, every inch of his spirit poured out its power. Fatigue began to envelope him, threatening to take him away, back to the land of the dead. He did not stop.

“… cold, still body…”: This image suggests Jaina had grown stiff with death—perhaps you don’t use the word “cold”, in reworking this phrase to efface that image.

Suddenly a song filled the angel’s ears. The melancholy tune entered his mind.

“Suddenly…”: Comma should follow

Slowly, Mesfido ceased his futile attempts. Silent tears still cascaded down his face. The song reminded him of something, in his mind he connected it with Jaina. It brought the same fiery emotions to life within him. “The flame of song...” An ancient myth appeared in the angel’s mind. The legend of the Phoenix and its healing tear. Jaina herself had told him the legend. The phoenix was said to sing its song to those who were in need.

“… still…”: Unneeded word

“… something, in his mind he …”: Subsitute a semicolon for that comma, and place a comma after “mind”

“… same…”: Same as what?

“ An ancient myth appeared in the angel’s mind. The …”: Substitute the period after mind with a colon. Lowercase the “t” in “the”

Without wasting another second Mesfido grabbed Jaina’s limp body in his muscular arms. She felt much lighter than normal. A layer of [COLOR=“Blue”]freezing cold[/COLOR] sweat lined her forehead. The fallen angel’s eyes caught sight of a dark shine.

“… second Mesfido…”: Comma here

The dark crystal had embedded itself in Jaina’s palm. Darkness was flowing from it into her skin. He would have to hurry. He rose himself into the air and charged up the steep mountainside, his wings carrying him with new vigor.

“… He rose himself into the air…”: Since “rise” suggests the subject effects the act of rising upon itself, “himself” is unneeded.

The air around Mesfido began to grow thinner, the clouds above began to open into a sun filled sky. Still the mountain towered next to him.

“ The air around Mesfido began to grow thinner, the clouds above began to open into a sun filled sky.”: “The air around Mesfido began to thin, the clouds to open into a sun filled sky.

The snow began to disappear from the high mountaintop. The mountain grew slender, slowly turning into a tiny point.

Finally the mountain ended. Mesfido lowered himself onto a small plateau. He placed Jaina motionless body down on the rich green grass. A large fiery bird sat perched on the branch of a bare tree, its massive majestic wings were tucked in against its side. Three feathers protruded from its crown, one green, one red, one blue. Its beautiful serenade stopped, its bright orange beak opened to speak.

“… Jaina…”: Jaina’s

“… were tucked in…”: Simply “tucked” will do

“… opened…”: Opening

“I’ve been waiting. I knew you would come.” Its deep, powerful voice shook Mesfido’s massive frame. It seemed to disappear into its own memories for a second. “You are not unlike my last visitor, different yet alike.... Now tell me, why is it you have come? Why is it you are here?”

“I know what you need but it is something I can not give to those who have not earned it. Did you not listen to my song? Did you do as I asked?”

“… need but…”: Comma here

The magnificent bird fell silent, its song still lingering in the angel’s mind. Slowly, Mesfido played it through his head, trying to find its meaning.

“… still…”: Unneeded word

Pure and utter annoyance and helplessness began to build up in the angel’s mind. There was nothing he could do if this, bird, didn’t stop talking nonsense.

“… this, bird, didn’t …”: Rather than using commas to emphasize “bird”, italicize the word.

“Shut up! Stop talking in riddles! How can you expect me to help Jaina when I can’t understand what I’m being told!?” Fury was building in his mind. The blood red tide was growing across his sight.

“… growing…”: Sliding

Though still in control Mesfido’s rage was nearly that of Venalis. He drew the Sword of the Pact from its sheath and charged at the bird. The fallen angel gave a massive swing from the blade straight at the bird’s exposed neck.

“… control Mesfido’s…”: Comma here

“… at…”: Simply “charged” without the added preposition.

“… from the blade straight…”: Unnecessary

Darkness began to spread across the mountaintop forming a heavy ominous mist.

“… mountaintop forming…”: Comma here

Once more, tears began to flow down the fallen angel’s cheeks chilling the anger in his bones. He placed his hands in the pile of ash searching for Jaina body beneath the dust. His tears fell onto the black ash. A light began to seep out of the heap. The phoenix’ voice filled Mesfido’s ears.

“… cheeks chilling…”: Comma here

“… ash searching…”: Comma here

Through the vanishing light Mesfido could see a figure, a shadowy figure. Tongues of darkness licked at the air around it, shadows grew from it, evil radiated from it. A small crystal was embedded in its hand. The figure leapt forward.

“… a figure…”: Erase these words and combine these two clauses.

Through the vanishing light, Mesfido could see a shadowy figure.

“… it, shadows…”: [i]“it. Shadows…”

A fist crashed against Mesfido's face. The angel’s body was sent flying across the plateau; he hung to the edge with two fingers. The dark figure walked slowly towards Mesfido’s pitiful defence. The shadows around it began to change, altering its form. The face of Famulus, the angelic commander of old peered over the edge of the mountaintop, a look of disappointment greeting Mesfido.

“… hung…”: Clung

“… two fingers.”: Unless Mesfido is inordinately strong, I’m not sure if such a feat is possible…

“… defence.”: “Defence” should be “defense”.

“… greeting…”: ”… forming upon finding…”

“Your weak, Tueor, you always have been. It’s your weakness that led to the death of some many of your kind.

“… some…”: So

“It’s your fault that you have become what you are now. It’s your fault that you killed me. It’s your fault that you doomed some many. I do not know why I ever called you a friend. You are not even worth pity.” The shadow pressed down crushing the angel’s hand. Mesfido flailed out with his other trying to grasp the edge. Another foot came down on it, Celina’s foot.

“… some…”: So

“… down crushing…”: Comma here

“… other trying…”: Comma here

The last line struck a cord in the fallen angel’s spirit. “To face my future, to face your future, Jaina.” The angel’s majestic wings burst open propelling him back into the air.

“… open propelling…”: Comma here

“Iaculum Sanctus!” He roared bringing the point crashing down on the black gem. Light exploded on the impact.

“… He roared bringing…”: The “h” in “he” should be lowercase. Insert a comma between “roared” and “bringing”.

Slowly, the light vanished, Mesfido’s exhausted body stood strong, his chest rising up and down heavily. Jaina’s motionless form lay on the floor beneath him. The small shining crystal lay on the ground beside her, its true colours showing again. Mesfido sheathed his sword, bending down to pick up the crystal. Carefully he placed it in his pocket with his own. He knelt down beside Jaina’s body trying to shake her awake. Still she didn’t move.

“… floor…”: Ground

“… on the ground…”: Redundant. Unneeded.

“Carefully he…”: Comma here

“… body trying…” Comma here

“Still she…”: Comma here


And there you have it!

- Watch your use of adjectives and adverbs. Both are a boon unto the richness of writing, but when used in excess, clutter the page, the mind, and have the potential to rob the story of its beauty. Use adverbs and adjectives to strengthen an image. However, when a simpler course offers itself, and sounds harmoniously without the adornment of descriptive phrases, use it. A balance between descriptive words and non-embellishment will pave the way to richer prose.

- Use single verbs to their fullest. Some words will require a number of verbs to precede them (“She asked us to go canoeing with her on Saturday.”) but where you do not need other verbs to modify the primary action, don’t use them. This results in clutter and passiveness. “Trying to muster” does not deliver as much impact as merely saying “mustering” will, and the latter phrase, when the preceding verbs are unnecessary, grows cluttered, placing more words upon the page then needed.

- Watch for the proper placement of commas. In many phrases, a comma always follows the phrase that modifies the clause, i.e. “On Saturday, [<-- this being the modifying phrase] Billy rammed his car into our front porch [<-- clause].” “Slowly, wincingly, [<-- modification] Mary pulled her father’s scorched dinner from the oven [<-- clause].” Adverbs such as suddenly and after often begin modifying phrases, and so prompt the placement of the comma.

- Use words to their fullest. Modifications are often unnecessary, and words employed to their greatest potential create greater impact. They efface passivity, and are the height of richness.

If you have any questions or comments, do not hesitate to PM! Thank you for the opportunity to shred your work. ^_^

Shredding: Lady ElvenArcher's first post in Angelic Vestiges: Murder of the Soul

Moonlight streamed from between the gloomy clouds that blanketed the otherwise clear night sky, bathing the sprawling landscape below in its ethereal, almost haunting, embrace.

"… blanketed the otherwise clear…": Contradictory. "Blanketed" suggests a sky wholly covered by clouds, while "otherwise clear" belies the preceding adjective.

Trying to maintain some semblance of both outer and inner calm, the angel stepped quietly, nearly cat-like, and drew her silvery robes tighter around herself as she shivered, not from any bite of cold from the wind but from the fear of what lay ahead that was beginning to sink its claws into her heart.

"… as she shivered, not from any bite of cold from the wind but from the fear of what lay ahead that was beginning to sink its claws into her heart.": At first glance, this is quite long; the potency of the sentence is lost in its length. I would suggest breaking this line at "as", disposing of "as" altogether, besides.

It was winter, and the season was just as harsh now as it had been back when she had still had a cozy fire in her rooms in the church of Lochlynn.

"… she had still had…": Too many "hads" ^^

Flinching, Mariana attempted to drive the images of Cedric’s mutilated corpse that assailed her mind the second she thought the little boy’s name. She stopped dead, a single, rotund tear sliding down her cheek, shimmering in the moon’s glow as it froze before it ever hit the ground.

"Flinching, Mariana attempted to drive the images of Cedric’s mutilated corpse that assailed her mind the second she thought the little boy’s name.": In it's present state, this sentence feels incomplete; the addition of "away" after "drive" ("… Mariana attempted to drive away the images…")

It still appeared just like some little 15th-century storybook village.

"… just like some little…": Something of an informal string of words that don't complement the setting and its presumed time period.

Taking a deep breath, Mariana stared up at the structure for several quiet, contemplative moments before moving around the side to the back of the church.

"… around the side…": Unnecessary.

Wending her way among the somber stone monuments to the departed souls, some more ornate than others, Mariana scanned each one briefly, embracing the pulsing warmth of the Argentsigna for reassurance.

"… the departed souls…": The degree of specification that is "the" isn't especially needful.

She bit her lower lip hard to stop it from trembling as something at the base of Cedric’s tombstone caught her eye, and she bent down to retrieve it for a closer inspection.

• Two very separate actions are happening in one sentence. First Mariana is suppressing her anguish, an action which feels "canceled out" by the second one: bending down to get something. There's little room to breathe or process the first action, which would give leave to accommodate the second. The words "as" and "and" conjoin these actions, and rush the reader from one into the other by presenting them almost simultaneously. Rather than "… caught her eye, and she bent down to retrieve it…", you might break the first sentence (and thus pause after the first action) and continue with a new sentence.

… she screamed her anguish as she hurled the statue with every ounce of strength she could muster into the semi-frozen ground where it shattered upon impact.

"… ground where…": A comma should be inserted between these two words.

Shaking her head lightly, she put irrational thoughts out of her head and walked back around to the face of the church where she took a long, slow breath before putting her hand to the small wooden doors and pushing them ajar.

• Quite a few things are happening in this sentence. It's multi-faceted; the word "before" rushes things along. "Before" is a vague indication of a pause that is not solid enough to aid the flow, and it makes the sentence sound longer than it needs to be. At first glance, the rush of actions, detail, and direction make the sentence somewhat overwhelming. An idea for a revision might be:

Shaking her head lightly, she put irrational thoughts out of her head and walked back around to the face of the church. She took a long, slow breath, putting her hand to the small wooden doors, and pushed them ajar.

Running her eyes over the simple pews that lined the single aisle cutting down the center of the sanctuary, Mariana finally settled on the object which she feared to look at the most.

"… the simple pews that lined the single aisle cutting down the center of the sanctuary…": At first glance, this description comes across as a bit layered, difficult to follow and envision. Perhaps "that flanked the single aisle", which might provide a clearer and stronger image than "lined"?

With an incredulous display of strength it logically shouldn’t have, the corpse managed to slide ever so slowly forward, leaving a sticky trail of blood behind it in its wake.

"… incredulous…": The definition of this word does not fit the manner in which it is used; "incredible", perhaps?
"… behind it in its wake…": Redundant. "Behind" and "wake" imply the same concept; simply "in its wake" would do.

Coughing uncontrollably, she tried forcing it all back out again in complete disgust while still trying to stay afloat even as the blood coated her body, weighing her down and threatening to pull her totally beneath the roiling waves.

"While" stretches out this sentences far more than it needs to be.

In a flash, he was upon her, and Mariana screamed again as his body pressed hard against hers.

"… he was upon her…": Rather than "he", give a more concrete indication that this is not Cedric.


And there you have it! Thank you for allowing me to shred your work. If you have any questions or comments, do not hesitate to PM!

Shredding: Andross's 7th post in the BA thread, The Beginning.

Mallitricos continued to suck up the knowledge from the Irynn. "So... In summary... The Veleans used to live here... Living and thriving in the massive center of reality, the Chaos Realm... But the Darkness came... Three Veleans, Killiath, Mortivan, and Sithiri were responsible for the opening of the gates of Hell... The Darkness poured in to the Chaos Realm, and Sithiri, Mortivan, and Killiath became the unholy beginning demons, or the Foredemons..." Mallitricos said. She turned to see Kai attentively standing, and turned back.

"Mallitricos continued to suck up the knowledge from the Irynn.": While this sentence is grammatically correct and such, I find it a touch dry. Things are told, rather than shown - rather than merely say "Mallitricos continued to suck up the knowledge from the Irynn", animate this line - show readers how Mallitricos took information from the Irynn.

"... in to...": Should be "into"

"... Mallitricos said.": This line comes somewhat late. A block of text separates it from the first action in the paragraph, and so "Mallitricos said" sounds isolated. I would suggest moving it earlier into the paragraph, like so:

Mallitricos continued to suck up the knowledge from the Irynn. "So[COLOR="Red"]... In summary," she said, "The Veleans used to live here..."

And now, regarding the ellipses: there is an excess of them, particularly where other punctuation would be more appropriate. In that latter case, ellipses filling spaces they should not disrupts the reading flow. Rather than use the three periods to signify slow, unhurried speech, use other indications, such as adverbs ("she said slowly") or something of the kind. Many of the ellipses should be expunged, like so:

"So, in summary: The Veleans used to live here, living and thriving in the massive center of reality, the Chaos Realm. But the Darkness came. Three Veleans, Killiath, Mortivan, and Sithiri, were responsible for the opening of the gates of Hell. The Darkness poured into the Chaos Realm, and Sithiri, Mortivan, and Killiath became the unholy beginning demons, or the Foredemons..."

"In the end, the Foredemons were banished from the land... The Veleans moved to the Mortal World, and imprisoned these demons in the Grace Stones... Which became the keys for the Spiritual Realm." Mallitricos turned, once again, to her contentious slave, and turned back to face the Irynn. "Interestingly enough, the being that became Sithiri was a ruler... He had the power to control the Chaos Energy... And, whoever controls the Chaos Energy has tenure over the Chaos Realm, the center of reality." Mallitricos stepped back.

- Remove the comma after "Mortal World"

"... turned...": Since Mallitricos isn't turned for very long, another word may suffice: "glanced", perhaps.

- Remove the comma between "and" and "whoever controls the Chaos Energy..."

And again, there are quite a few ellipses here. Substitute them with more accurate punctuation:

"In the end, the Foredemons were banished from the land. The Veleans moved to the Mortal World, and imprisoned these demons in the Grace Stones, which became the keys for the Spiritual Realm."

"Interestingly enough, the being that became Sithiri was a ruler... He had the power to control the Chaos Energy. And, whoever controls the Chaos Energy has tenure over the Chaos Realm, the center of reality."

She started to laugh softly, and then it gradually grew louder. "Oh, this is good... I am the the god of this world... My tenacious attitude has finally paid off... What is this, I hear?" Mallitricos put her head up, and started listening to the Irynn again. "I need to find a Chaos Well that isn't dry? I must bathe myself in it, and then I will become the complete controller of this world, capable of manipulating all other realities? Oh, thank you, Irynn... This is wonderful..." Mallitricos turned back, but right as she turned back, Kai had jumped, and was flying straight towards Mallitricos.

"... the the...": Extra "the"

"... tenacious...": This word strikes me as unsuitable - perhaps another one would fit better.

"... turned back...": (1) Turned back where?

"... turned back...": (2) Repetitive

"... Mallitricos...": Since "Mallitricos" has been established earlier in the same sentence, ending with a pronoun would flow better, rather than repeating the name.

And again, there are some unnecessary ellipses.

"Oh, this is good... I am the the god of this world! My tenacious attitude has finally paid off - What is this I hear?"

Oh, thank you, Irynn. This is wonderful..."

In conclusion, use ellipses primarily when indicating that words or letters have been omitted from a sentence and/or paragraph. "An ellipsis can also be used to indicate a pause in speech, an unfinished thought or, at the end of a sentence, a trailing off into silence." (as quoted from this Wikipedia article) - but as with all things, moderate your usage.

And there you have it! Thank you very much for allowing me to shred your work; if you have any questions, do not hesitate to PM me. ^^

Shredding: Silver's fourth post in the BA thread, Heroes of the Underworld.

Breathe..., Kichaa told himself.

• The comma, as ending punctuation following the ellipsis, is unnecessary. Rather than indicating an omission of words, the ellipsis shows a trailing word - the comma would be wholly unnecessary in that case.

Balancing precariously on the balls of his feet, the young swordsman found himself in a most dangerous, potentially fatal, in fact, situation: facing down a fully grown male Tauren.

"... in fact...": An unnecessary phrase that drags the sentence out further than it should be and makes it unmanageable. Cut this out.

Some things never change between one world and the next, such as goblins and humans and dwarves and elves, as well as many others, but some things do.

"... as well as many others...": Again, the phrase in question draws the sentence out farther than it should be. "As well as many others" has already been alluded to in the course of the sentence.

In major, life-threatening ways. Too slowly, the bull leapt into a wide attack... perhaps not to slowly for some, but for Kichaa it appeared almost as if the speed had been halved, though the ferocity remained steadily flowing, by the adrenaline high he'd been dealt. A dull tremor shook his legs, but he took little notice of the axe now that it had impacted against a log-- sundering branches, but not bone-- and quickly leapt in for an attack... a quick one.

"In major, life-threatening ways.": As this sentence in a manner belongs to the preceding paragraph, it reads strangely when added to the beginning of the next paragraph. I would suggest giving the sentence its own line, where it retains its impact, but offers less chance of confusion.

• Use a colon, as opposed to an ellipsis, after "attack". The words following "Too slowly, the bull leapt into a wide attack" describe the attack after a fashion, and thus, a colon is appropriate.

"... to...": Should be "too"

• While I shall leave this up to your discretion to change, I would suggest, for the sake of clarity and visibility, that you change the commas around the phrase "though the ferocity remained steadily flowing" to dashes. Commas don't command the visibility that would keep this parenthetical phrase from being tangled up with the preceding and following clauses (and thus appearing to make the sentence longer).

"This is your end beast," Kichaa managed to grit out as he swung his torso backwards and, just within the safe-time he'd been alotted, out of reach as the hulking beast howled in rage and stumbled on the deeply wounded leg. A grim, somewhat disturbing, gushing noise permeted Kichaa's awarness for but a moment before another tremor, this one much larger, shook his feet and the dirt underneath them as the minotaur regained his stance.

• The use of "as" disturbs the flow of this sentence. Rather than follow the course of cause-and-effect, "as" serves to switch the process, introducing actions in a bulky, confusing manner. End the sentence rather than use "as".

"... alotted...": Should be "allotted"

"... somewhat disturbing...": For the sake of trimming up sentences, I would suggest cutting out this modification; it adds nothing to the description sentence beyond what "grim" added.

"... permeted..." Should be "permeated"

"... awarness...": "Awareness"

"... another tremor, this one much larger,": Rather than this extended modification "a larger tremor" will do.

Eye to wounded, angry eye with the large beast, the human found himself staring into the eyes of a bull for just long enough to get an lump to form in his throat.

"... for just long enough to get an agonizing lump to form in his throat.": There are quite a few unnecessary words here, and they make the sentence longer than can be fully managed. "... just long enough for an agonizing lump to form in his throat." and such variations are shorter, expunging "to get" (which creates traffic where merely "to form" would do) and the starting "for".

The Tauren's breath was ragged and angry, the human's calm and assured... but there was a small catch in that surity.

"... surity.": Should be "surety"

"I think not!" the beast roared, at the same time rearing up to his full, intimidating height and bringing the axe into a huge, over-the-shoulder chop. Too fast for Kichaa to react by dodging, and his sword was useless against that large an object... that much momentum would slam right through.

"... at the same time...": The sentence does well without this detail; merely "rearing" conveys a self-same message.

"... up...": "Rearing" implies that the beast is rising, so "up" is unnecessary.

"Too fast for Kichaa to react by dodging...": A fragment. Though its relation to the preceding sentence/action is not hidden by any means, the phrase reads awkwardly upon an initial, not-so-careful perusal. A subject and verb ("It was too fast...") would clear this up.

• The ellipsis should be a colon.

A small twinge in his arm, a small bit of pressure exerted on his wrist, and a few raging, howling curses from the Tauren were, in fact, the only indications that the beast had actually swung down at all...

"... small bit...": Vaguely redundant, as "bit" implies "small". I would suggest merely using "bit"

Mercifully swift, that end came after only a few moments, however difficult to see those moments were, of speedy combat. The Tuaren was swift, but Kichaa felt as if he could almost predict the ponderous creature's footfals and assaults.

"... after only a few moments...": Somewhat long, though the repetition of "moments" in the following aside is quite nice. Perhaps substitute this first phrase with "quickly" or some other adverb.

"... footfals...": Should be "footfalls"

The axe imacted, and a sickening stream of innards, blood, and organs gushed from the deep wound cold, hard titanium had cleaved in the Tauren's stomach just before.

"... imacted...": Perhaps another word here?

"... just before...": Not especially needed.

As if in solemn, lasting defiance to superior skill, the minotaur remained standing, held up by it's axe and counter-balanced by its own weight.

"... it's...": Should be "its"

That isn't right... they..., Kichaa's gut did a small flip within his gut as he felt air displace itself above and all around him...

• Again... the comma, as ending punctuation following the ellipsis, is unnecessary.

"Kichaa's gut did a small flip within his gut.": "Within his gut" is not needed.

"Die...," the terror rumbled, exhaling flame from it's mouth and nostrils with only those words. Something about this dragon... put Kichaa into perspective as to his small victory over the Tauren.

• The comma after the ellipsis is unnecessary.
• Remove the second ellipsis.

"... it's...": Should be "its"

And there you have it! Thank you for your request. If you have any questions or comments regarding this shredding, please PM me.

Shredding: Lady ElvenArcher's first post in the BA thread, No One Sleeps in Tokyo.

Hidden away inside one of the highest rooms of the building bearing the name Immortal Eye...

"... building...": This designation is vague - the question "what kind of building it is?" comes largely to mind. A more precise indication would give the reader a more clear-cut idea of the scene that even the title of the building does not, at this point, provide.

Within this dark sanctuary, it seemed nothing could disturb the pair, wrapped inside the protective shadows as they were.

"... inside the protective shadows as they were.": Shorten this sentence. "... wrapped in protective shadow" without extra articles, pronouns, or verbs might do.

... the first sight to greet them was Maximilian’s handsome face, made almost cute due to sleep’s calming influence. With a soft smile, the vampiress barely brushed a hand over her lover’s bare chest and released a quiet sigh of contentment.

"... made almost cute due to sleep’s calming influence.": "Almost cute" strikes an odd chord - rather than "almost", another quality that entails "cute" (as "cute" admittedly, by itself, might sound odd). For example: "... made soft by the influence of sleep" might be an idea.

"... barely...": An unnecessary adverb.

"... released a quiet sigh of contentment.": "Sighed contentedly" would shorten this (as it doesn't need to be this length) and make it more concise.

She stepped silently over to the window to peek through the inky curtains at the outside world as if to assure herself of the existence of a world besides the one she and Max claimed as their own.

"... the existence of a world besides the one she and Max claimed as their own.": Personally, I find this sentence longer than necessary (the close repetition of "world" may give this impression); "... as if to assure herself of its existence" would do.

... she glanced once back at her love before vanishing from the room...

"... once...": Unnecessary word.

Avoiding the crowds of people clustered around the islands of flashing neon, Mariana kept her search for prey restricted to the various back alleys that crisscrossed the darkened metropolis.

"... the...": I don't see any especial need for an article before "islands of flashing neon", as you don't need to be specific here.

"... kept her search for prey restricted...": There area some unnecessary words here; just "restricted" (rather than "kept... restricted") will do, and "her hunt" may work better than "her search for prey". ("Mariana restricted her hunt to the various back alleys...")

Her eyes traced along his probable route...

"... along...": "Along" is unnecessary.

Descending silently into the concealing shadows between two buildings, the huntress harnessed one of her abilities inherent to her angelic blood to hide the appearance of her wings from human eyes. They weren’t the most perceptive creatures, and she would use that to her advantage.

"... harnessed one of her abilities inherent to her angelic blood to hide the appearance of her wings from human eyes.": This phrase is a bit long and tangled. I would suggest merely saying "veiled her wings", ending the sentence there, and then, only if you feel it is necessary, give an explanation of how she accomplished this. An idea:

Descending into the shadow between the two buildings, the huntress veiled her wings [perhaps showing how she does so - a word, a thought, etc.]. It was her angelic blood that gave her this ability, concealing her means of flight from human eyes. Humans were not the most perceptive creatures...

... she tossed her hair about a bit, granting it a more disheveled look, and she dipped her hand in a nearby pool of rainwater to splash several drops over her pale face to form tears.

"... she...": As "she" has already been established, this second notation is unnecessary.

"... to splash...": Just "splashing", to cut down on the number of infinitives.

Satisfied that she was ready to commence her game, Mariana teleported into the middle of the wide street, already on the ground in a larger puddle of water, and she began crying.

"... already on the ground in a larger puddle of water...": While it's clear the image you wish to convey, the wording, amid the active verbs ("teleported", "began crying") feels somewhat off. I would suggest just having Mariana "collapse/sit/etc. in a large puddle of water", and so keep in tune with the active verbs already established.

"... she...": Again, "she" is established. The pronoun is unneeded, before "began crying"

It wasn’t long until the sound of the footsteps increased in frequency as the man ran toward what he believed to be someone in distress.

"... as the man ran toward what he believed to be someone in distress.": The phrase preceding this is perfect by itself - rather than employ the passivity of "as", perhaps you show the man running toward her. ("It wasn’t long until the sound of the footsteps increased in frequency. She saw him from the tail of her eye careening around the corner, face concerned.") Or something to that respect.

Now that she was considerably closer to him, she observed that he was quite white, not Asian in the least bit, an American on a business venture to Tokyo more than likely.

"... bit...": Unnecessary. "In the least" does quite well.

"... Tokyo more...": I would suggest inserting a comma between these two words.

The man, almost too quickly, slipped his arms around her waist to pull her closer to him and whispered soothingly to her. “Now, now, darling... Everything will be alright. Don’t you worry about that. I’m sure you can still have a good time tonight. In fact…I’m almost certain of it…”

"... to her.": "To her" is already established; replace this with a comma and segue into the dialogue, as "whispered soothingly" suggests this, and is thus a bit awkward to the sight when dialogue does not immediately follow these two words, rather, another pair of words and a period. The current arrangement may serve to jolt readers from the rhythm of the prose.

Allowing a small tremble to run down her spine, she fixed her violet gaze on him, making sure to show a hint of uncertainty and naivety in it.

"... in it.": Unnecessary.

Immediately afterward, the sound of swift footsteps filled Mariana’s sensitive ears.

"... afterward...": Unnecessary.

So much for a flawless hunt tonight.

"... tonight.": While this is technically fine, I don't find the mention of "tonight" especially necessary; the exclusion of the word may aid in advancing the rhythm of your writing.

And there you have it! But before I conclude, I would like to make a few notes. Your writing is rich in sensuous detail, extremely beautiful, but it is not uncommon that the amount of adjectives and adverbs used grows a wee bit undue, saturating and cluttering the writing. For example:

Rain pattered soothingly against glass. The late afternoon shower in downtown Tokyo was slowly but surely ceasing with the sinking of the golden sun into the western horizon. The streets were packed with denizens frantically trying to get home through the torrential downpour. It wouldn’t be until the sun completely set when the neon lights of Tokyo’s nightclubs would burst forth into a vibrant display of twisting, blinking, and dancing color palettes. Until then, the storm reigned supreme over Japan’s capital, as if God were attempting to cleanse the general filth from the city streets.

...

With a barely audible moan, Mariana Heruka stirred faintly, awakening from her pleasant repose. As she opened her stunning violet eyes, the first sight to greet them was Maximilian’s handsome face, made almost cute due to sleep’s calming influence. With a soft smile, the vampiress barely brushed a hand over her lover’s bare chest and released a quiet sigh of contentment. She never wanted to leave this place, nestled between the silken sheets of dark crimson next to her dearest one. And yet…that incessant craving for sustenance suddenly assailed her even as she completed the thought.

The Lady Heruka slipped soundlessly out of the black, four-poster canopy bed that belonged to Max, her clothing already fully reformed over her petite body. The furry, ebony carpet felt good to her bare feet. She stepped silently over to the window to peek through the inky curtains at the outside world...

Watch your use of adjectives and adverbs. The use of fewer modifiers gives writing a crisper, more concise flow, and lends modifiers then employed a more profound impact.

Also, watch use of infinitives (to eat, to sleep, to dance, etc.) While grammatically they are quite correct, I find them more passive than the use of progressive or such other verb forms, and they have a tendency to attenuate the main verb of action when used in progressive verb/infinitive combinations. For example, rather than saying:

Mariana kept her search for prey restricted to the various back alleys...

... make use of the impact of the word "restricted", as a verb:

Mariana restricted her search for prey to the various back alleys...

Employ various ways of expressing a verb to enrich your prose:

She stepped silently over to the window, peeked through the inky curtains...

... and she glanced once back at her love before vanishing from the room, reappearing on the other side of the glass...

Thank you very much for your request. ^^ If you have any questions or comments, please do not be hesitant to send my a PM.