[Zorolo] Roery’s Training

OoC: Alright, I originally wrote the first half to be used in the dome but it took a month before a teacher came around so I used this in Limbo. I’ll be using Roery because I already know J perfectly. She’s in my comic but mostly just fights all the time, not much talking, so this will help me get too know her better.


BiC: “How much further?” J asked Roery. She could only barely hear him over the roaring sound of their motorcycles and the wind rushing by them. J had stayed right behind her the whole trip because he was the worst navigator in the world and he didn’t feel like getting lost. They had been going for about six hours and J was getting board.

“About another two hours.” She yelled back. They were headed to a meeting with the senator of Old Illinois to discuss the job he had for them. The job name was Frank Garaha, the leader of a local gang that had been giving the city some trouble the last couple of months.

J grumbled and tried to keep his mind occupied so he wouldn’t fall asleep. He didn’t like the fact that this was what he had to do for a living. He would much rather make a living as an artist of some sorts, but anyone showing interest in any kind of art was a rare occurrence in this world. He knew that the only reason he did what he did was because he was very capable of doing it. He and the three others like him all seemed to have been thrust into this life the second they came to this world, or rather, this future. J sometimes liked to think that he was like a super hero; he did have abilities and powers that no one else had and he did use them for good. At least the good of the government that he worked for and he found that it was as good as any form of democracy could get. Of course it had its flaws.

Roery often felt the same way about getting thrust into this line of work, but at least it gave her a noble propose in life. When she had first found out that she was a clone she took it very hard. The fact that every memory she had of her life before she had turned seventeen was of some one else’s life in 2005 was devastating to her. She didn’t even feel remotely attached to the original Roery and had never bothered to look up her biography.

Suddenly there was a huge explosion right in front of Roery that sent her flying into the air off her bike. She was still going two hundred mph, but without a bike under her. She quickly donned her armor and shot both thrusters straight in front of her in an attempt to slow herself down. She hit the ground landing on both feet and skid for fifty yards before she lost her balance and tumbled forward, finally coming to a stop after another fifty yards down the asphalt.

J, seeing the explosion, immediately activated his armor and turned his bike completely sideways in an attempt to slow himself down. At the last second before hitting the explosion he slammed on the gas, shooting himself to the left of the fire that had now covered the street. J went strait into the dirt and skid his bike into a one eighty to face the fire. A figure slowly stood up in the middle of the roaring flames. J looked around for Roery and found her a couple hundred yards down the highway and her bike a couple hundred yards off the road in a smoldering heap. J closed the visor in his helmet over his eyes and used it to zoom his sight on Roery. She was slowly getting up and had scraps and dings all over her armor. J was relieved to see that she was ok. He got off his bike and turned his attention to the silhouette of a man in the fire. He was going to pay for what he had done to Roery.

The man waved a staff around him and all the fire was put out. J could then see the man clearly and was surprised at what he saw. The man was not wearing one of the bio mechanical suits that everyone on earth wore when they are above ground. He had red and gold robes, and large, pointy ears sticking out of his long silver hair. He had a sheathed sword on his left hip and was holding a long knobby wooden staff with a gold orb at it's end. The man seemed dazed and confused but J didn’t care. He raised his left arm to the man and walked closer to him

“Do you mind telling me why you just blew up my friend?” J asked as he walked cautiously forward. The man was startled and shot a fireball at J. J was surprised at the sudden attack and just barely had time to dodge it. At this J shot a round of three plasma blasts at his opponent. The strange man raised his staff in an ark in over his head, creating a shield. The shots dissipated into the shield creating a ripple across its surface. These are some weird powers this guy has J thought to himself. And how is he not in a suit? How can he have these powers without a suit? I’ve never seen anything like it. J cast these thoughts aside and charged his enemy.

“I have no time for this.” The man said. Just as J was about to slash him the man clapped his hands together creating a shock wave of black energy. He then pulled his hands apart and a huge black portal appeared in front of him. J tried to stop himself but it was to late.

“Nooooooooo!!!” Roery screamed, ignoring the dull pain in her body she sprinted full pelt, with the help of her thrusters, at the robbed man. She pulled out both disk launchers and open fired. The man quickly turned to face her, waving his staff as the plasma disks exploded in front of him. He waved his other arm and flung a fireball at the armored girl. She boosted up into the air, dodging the blast, and came down at the sorcerer. He took a step back leaving an exact replica of himself where he had been two seconds ago, only it was a completely made of fire. The fiery form drew a deep red blade form his sheath and slashed at the incoming warrior. At the last second Roery brought her legs up and covered herself with her arms as the blade clanged loudly against her metal armor. She toppled the flaming clone over causing it to disperse upon hitting the ground. Roery landed where the fiery form had been and looked up just in time to get hit hard in the chest by a fireball. She flew backwards a couple of feet and instinct allowed her to land on her feet and knees. Her neck and chin were slightly burnt and her chest was black and charred. The fire seemed to sting like no fire she had ever experienced before. Ignoring the pain she stood back up and glared at the sorcerer.

“Why is it you attack me girl?” he barked harshly.

She glared daggers into him. “Why is it you blew up my bike? Why is it you made that boy disappear?” she asked through clenched teeth. Before he could answer, she raised both guns and open fired. He quickly erected another shield. The disks exploded, throwing up a great deal of dust and smoke. Suddenly, he flew out from within the dust and slashed his katana at the armored girl. She blocked the blade with her forearm, but was unable to block the red energy blade that continued out from the katana. The energy sliced into her side and forced her to the ground. He then immediately shot off another fireball that Roery was just barely able to block with her forearms. The fire burned into her armor as he continued the wave of red flames. She grunted in pain and positioned her feet in front of her. Erupting her thrusters, she rocketed away from the mage, putting some distance between them. The fire had burned slightly her face and neck and had left her forearm armor black and melted. Blood tricked from her side wound that had already started to clot up.

With a snap of her wrists her guns folded smaller and locked into her forearms. She did a massive back flip and landed on J’s motorcycle. The mage watched her with amusement as she spun the back tire kicking up a massive amount of dust. She released the brake and rocketed at her enemy. Just before impact the sorcerer jumped into the air, doing a back flip and rotating his arms out from behind his back. He was holding another black orb that expanded as he spread his arms out. It was too late. Roery flew strait into the portal, bike and all.

Blackness engulfed her as the light from the portal closed. She stayed suspended in the air for a while as she sped forward through the blackness. She started to panic as gravity started to take effect. Her and the bike plummeted down into the endless abyss. Roery held onto the bike for dear life, not daring to let go. She fell for what seemed like eternity.

How could I be so stupid? How could I be tricked into a something that I had already witnessed?… hummnnn… she groaned to herself. I hope J is ok... Maybe he sent me to the same place he sent J. A spark of hope lit up inside her. But that hope was suddenly crushed as she slammed into the unseen ground. She had apparently hit a tree that trapped the bike as she flew over the top of it and crunched against the hard dirt. The blackness of the abyss started to recede as light started to gather around her illuminating her surroundings. Roery raised her head slightly and could just make the silhouette of an enormous dome before she slipped into unconsciousness.

OoC: Mwahahaha, 600 and something word, plus 1,000

Jeez, I don't know that I've ever seen an intro post for a training thread this long. But then again, I haven't seen Shrub's, Wielder's, or Lea's. Ahem, anyhow . . .

She could only barley hear him over the roaring sound of their motorcycles and the wind rushing by them.

"Barley" is a grain used in beer and bread. You want "barely". *Thwaps with Zanbattou of Death* Proof-read, man, proof-read!

The job name was Frank Garaha, The leader of a local gang that had been giving the city some trouble the last couple of months.

Don't capitalize after a comma unless it's a name or title.

He would much rather make a living as an artist of some sorts but anyone showing interest in any kind of art was a rare occurrence in this world.

A comma is needed between the two bolded words. This is two complete thoughts, so it needs to be separated.

J sometimes liked to think that he was like a super hero, he did have abilities and powers that no one else had and he did use them for good.

The second part is not a direct continuation to the first, but it is directly related. Therefor, a semicolon should be there, not a comma.

Roery often felt the same way about getting thrust into this line of work but at least it gave her a noble propose in life.

Again, comma usage is important. A general rule: "but" is usually preceded by a comma.

She was still going two hundred mph but without a bike under her.

Comma usage, blah, blah, blah.

At the last second before hitting the explosion he slammed on the gas shooting himself to the left of the fire that had now covered the street.

Again, two complete--but dependent--thoughts should be separated with a comma.

J was relieved to see that she was ok. He got off his bike and turned his attention to the Silhouette of a man in the fire.

"Silhouette" shouldn't be capitalized.

The man was not wearing one of the bio mechanical suits that everyone on earth wear when they are above ground.

"Wear" is present tense. You're writing in a narrative sense, so you need past tense "wore".

He had red and gold robes on with big pointy ears sticking out of his long silver hair. We had a sheathed sword on his left hip and was holding a long knobby wooden staff with a gold orb at the end of it.

"On" is unnecessary, since we already know he's wearing the robes. Also, a comma is needed after "robes" to separate the two thoughts about the robes and the ears. About the ear part: A physical description such as this needs a a comma to separate the two adjectives. Also, "big" is a pretty loose term. It's not really a word you want to use in most IC writing. It's better to use "large" or some other adjective of that kind. Lastly, "we" should be "he".

“Do you mind telling me why you just blew up my friend?” J asked as we walked cautiously forward.

"We" to "he" again.

J was surprised at the sudden attack and just barley had time to dodge it.

"Barley" to "barely". I'm underage, ya know.

The strange man raised his staff in an ark in over his head creating a shield.

Comma usage. This is the last time I'll point it out alone, but there's a lot more instances after this that you should look out for.

These are some weird powers this guy has J thought to himself. And how is he not in a suit? How can he have these powers without a suit? I’ve never seen anything like it.

Thoughts should be in italics.

These are some weird powers this guy has J thought to himself. And how is he not in a suit? How can he have these powers without a suit? I’ve never seen anything like it.

Like such.

NOOOOOOOOO!!!” Roery Screamed, ignoring the dull pain in her body she sprinted full pelt, with the help of her thrusters, at the robbed man.

You left out the first ", and "screamed" shouldn't be capitalized. Also, you should only have the "N" capitalized, not all of the "o"s following it.

She pulled out both disk launchers and opened fire.

You have the bolded part somewhat backwards. It's "open fired".

She thrusted up into the air dodging the blast and came down at the sorcerer.

"Thrusted" is not a word. You need to replace it with something else. Comma usage again; I'll let you figure out where.

At the last second Roery brought her legs up and covered herself with her arms as the blade clanged loudly against metal.

This is good, except that it is incomplete. You need to continue the thought at the end. Perhaps, "-the metal of her armor."

Before he could answer she raised both guns and opened fire.

"Open fired" again.

Also, for where you used it before now, as well as after, "fireball" is a single word.

She stade suspended in the air for a wile as she sped forward through the blackness.

"Stade" isn't a word. You're looking for "stayed". "Wile" is a word, but it means a scam, hoax, or the like. You want "while".

She started to panic as gravity started to take its effect.

"Its" is unnecessary here.

How could I be so stupid? How could I be tricked into a something that I had already witnessed?… hummm… she groaned to herself. I hope J is ok. Maybe he sent me to the same place he sent J. A spark of hope lit up inside her.

Again, thoughts should be in italics.

But it was suddenly crushed as she slammed into the unseen ground.

You left out a subject here. I put in "it" to show you an example. But, you could have done any number of things. "That hope", "her hope", "that feeling", ect.

Roery raised her head slightly and could just make the silhouette of a ginormous doom before she slipped into unconsciousness.

Although a fun word for chat windows, "ginormous" isn't a real word.

Edit, and I'll get back to you. Again, I didn't show you every case, epecially the comma errors. Read your post over very carefully, and try to find and fix the rest.

I’ll never amount to anything!!!

I’m pretty sure I edited everything you told me to change along with some other things. I’ll look back over it again tomorrow to see if there’s anything else.

When I write barly in MS, my first option is barley and when I copy my writing to ZU, it gets rid of all the italicized writing.

I cant wait to see which of your arsenal of characters will be teaching her

sorts but, anyone

Ahh, damn it, I screwed up. The comma should be between "sorts" and "but", not how I told you the first time. >.<;

sent her flying into the air off her bike. She was still going two hundred mph, but without a bike under her. She quickly donned her armor and shot both thrusters strait in front of her in an attempt to slow herself down.

Sorry, I missed this the first time around. A "strait" is a channel of water. You need "straight".

He had red and gold robes, and large pointy ears sticking out of his long silver hair.

You didn't separate the 'ear' adjectives like I told you. *Waves Zanbattou of Death*

Roery raised her head slightly and could just make the silhouette of an enormous doom before she slipped into unconsciousness.

I'm guessing you meant dorm? :XD Anyway, fix these things and I'll give you your assignment.

>.>

1) I am not the worst teacher ever.

2) You did still get the ear thing wrong. I said to separate the adjectives. "large, pointy ears" Large and point being the adjectives.

*Inpales*

EDIT: I am so leaving this for all to witness, for as long as ZU exists. :XD

Originally Posted by I)ragon11

shoots self in the face and dies

Kashet please

Now, fix what I told you. *Thwaps*

(Mods, please ignore the double post! >.<)

IC: Roery groaned as a gloved hand grabbed her by the collar, lifting her up in the air. Kashet clicked his tongue against the back of his teeth. Why, oh why, do they always like to faint upon arrival? The man sighed and tossed the girl's limp body over his shoulder. Oh well. This is a good opportunity at least. When she awakes, we’ll see just how far along she is. Grinning beneath the smooth, oval mask protecting his face, Kashet strode into the Dome, taking Roery with him.

<====}=0 – 0={====>

The blonde-haired woman groaned, her vision blurring and wavering. A single flickering light swung back and forth above her, the flame casting an orange glow on the cracked stone walls around her. A delicate hand rubbed at glossed-over emerald eyes as Roery sat up.

“This . . . is . . . where?” The dozy woman muttered, thoroughly unable to identify her surroundings. A single circle wall enclosed the young woman, devoid of any doors or windows. Desperation and urgency growing within her, Roery leapt to her feet, turning around and around on the spot, seeking some way out of the seemingly inescapable room. A raspy chuckle overhead caught the blonde’s attention, sending her gaze upward. Metallic blue coils silently came undone, the shiny lengths dropping down to the floor. Clawed hands waved around on numerous short legs, the inch-long talons at the end clicking against the stone floor. The last of the metallic coils fell to the ground, a sleek, serpentine head raising up to look at Roery as it did so. Needle-like spines flowed back from the blue plate covering the long face, two piercing red eyes gazing out from finger-wide slits in the armor. The behir hissed excitedly, it’s plated coils unfurling and slowly encircling the woman.

OoC: Alright, I’ve decided to do this a bit differently than usual. Have Roery fight the behir, but don’t kill it. In fact, don’t even expect to win. 800 word minimum.

Roery groaned; her whole body ached. Her green eyes fluttered open, letting in a soft orange light. Rubbing her eyes, she sat up.

“This… is… where?” she said to no one in particular as she examined her surroundings. She was lying on the floor of an old-looking circular cell made of stone. Alarmed, the girl sprung to her feet and spun around a few times, panic growing inside her, for there were no doors or windows.

Her last memories flooded into her mind. J had been thrown into some kind of portal and she had fought the strangely garbed man responsible. Instinctively she looked down at her arms and armor. The armor on her forearms was only half restored and her chest was still black and scorched. Feeling her cheek, she found it sore, as if badly sunburned. She looked around at her encasement again, not quite sure how she ended up here. She then remembered speeding on a bike towards the staff-wielding magician. He had sent her through another portal! The last thing she could remember was falling through an endless blackness.

A strange, raspy chuckle snapped her out of her contemplation. Tilted her head up, she searching for the source. Two blue, metallic, snake like tails fell slowly to the ground. They started to coil around themselves on either side of her; numerous legs protruding from its body like a centipede’s. Roery drew back slowly to the wall, not entirely sure what to make of this new creature. The rest of the body slunk to the ground, connecting the two coils in a half circle around her. A slick, armored head lifted up from inside the left coil and hissed, glaring at her through blood red eyes.

A plasma disk launched itself at the spiny serpent as it pulled it head to its left, barely dodging the explosive. Again and again disks exploded against the far wall as the beast moved with lightning speed, weaving through the projectiles.

Normally Roery wouldn’t have been so quick to attack, but today she was not in the mood for . . . anything really. This day had already made it into her history of bad days and was swiftly working its way up to the top. Another darn beast was not what she needed right now, so it was best to get rid of it fast before this day set a world record.

The serpent skillfully wove it way towards her, evading every blast. It struck at her with its slick head, snapped its jaws where she had been standing a few seconds ago. She had dodged to the side and fired off another pair of plasma disks. One finally made its mark, flinging the beast’s head slamming into the wall. The serpent shook its armored head free of the black smoke and glared at her, not a dent on its metallic skin.

Without warning, a long tail wrapped around her neck and flung her hard against a wall. She coughed hard, dropping her guns and gripping at the metallic tail, attempting to loosen it’s hold. The behir slapped her against the wall again and again, all the while her efforts unsuccessful. The blonde’s face began to turn red as air ceased to reach her lungs. Her mind started to blur as the pain in her body and lack of oxygen started to take effect. With one final burst of strength, she swung her legs up, hooking them around the reptile’s tail. Moving her foot into place she erupted her thruster. The serpent’s tail writhed in pain, jerking her from side to side. Finally it released her, sending the girl crashing hard into the stone wall. She collapsed to the ground, coughing and breathing heavily.

She pushed off the ground hard as the serpentine foe sank its teeth into the stone wall. She landed to the beast’s side and seeing her opportunity, kicked the armored head with all her might. The beast’s head recoiled, and without even looking back, flung its mid body at the armored girl. She attempted to jump up out of harms way, but was foiled by the creature’s long claws as they sank into her right foot, halting her ascension. She fell back against the wall and attempted to use her thruster on the beast again, but was foiled once more as another claw wrapped itself around her left foot. The creature’s top half then coiled around itself and moved in to strike at the armored girl. Unable to move from her place, she braced herself for the impact. The serpent gripped her arms with two of it own, thrusting them into the wall, two more arms slammed into her shoulders and two more around her waist. Just before the reptile could snap its teeth around her head, she ripped her feet free of the talons, leaving deep gashes in her armor and flesh. She was just barely able to snap the fiend’s jaw shut with a hard kick to its face.

The behir shook its head and roared before striking at her once more. Roery slammed her feet into the wall behind her and pushed off with all her might, moving them both away slightly from the wall. She then fired off her thrusters, causing them both to rocket across the room. With a loud thud, they crashed into the opposite wall. The girl soldier positioned herself, holding the beast against the wall as beast she could.

She winced in pain as the serpent’s back most talons sank into her shoulders, gripping her tightly. The beast then brought it’s front claws down on her arms and pushed them back against her sides, sandwiching her between the long serpents front and tail end. The behir wrapped its middle around her legs, digging it’s many claws into her armor. Struggle as she may, the beast just had too many limbs. With one final attempt she yelled as she fired off her thrusters at full blast, but the reptiles weight was too great and she only managed to move them both to the side a couple yards.

The fiend slammed her shoulder into the nearby wall and lunged its spinney head in for another attack. Disoriented and constricted, there was nothing she could do as the reptile pierced flesh with its teeth, ripping into her shoulder. The wounded girl screamed in excruciating pain. The behir ripped back its head, taking a good chunk of armor and flesh with it. The serpent then whipped it’s lower half, flinging her hard against the far wall. She collapsed on the ground, struggling to rise back up to her feet.

OoC: That’s one way to earn her trust, save her life from impending doom…

… that you forced her to fight

:XD If your not careful, she’ll but two and two together and try to kill you

It’s surprisingly a lot different writing fight scene as opposed to drawing them in comics. In comics, I always come up with at least five awesome things that can happen in the next scene, choosing the very best one and the one that has the best potential for the next scene. In writing, I only come up with one, maybe sometimes two.

Humm, I looked over this, trying to add more to Roery’s personality… but really, I think she’s just too concentrated on the fight to say anything… or anything else.

Heh, you're too naive. You'll see what I mean when I advance it.

Roery groaned, her whole body ached.

As it is, this is an incomplete sentence. You can change the comma to a semicolon to make it work, or add to the second part.

“This… is… where?” she said to no one unparticular as she examined her surroundings.

This should be "in particular". "Unparticular" is generally used to describe a person's feelings, or rather, their lack of feelings or preferences for something. (EX: He was unparticular about such things.)

She was lying on the floor of an old looking circular cell made of stone.

This isn't a necessarily a rule or anything, but combined adjectives and verbs can be written in two different ways. "Old looking" or "old-looking". Both are acceptable, and differ due to the writer's preferences. I prefer to to use the hyphen, but it's your choice. It's just something to consider in your "writing career".

Slightly panicked, the girl sprung to her feet and spun around a few times, panic growing inside her, for there were now doors or windows.

This is too repetative. You've already stated that she's panicked, so you don't need to say so again. This can be fixed by removing either of the bolded parts. Also, "now" should be "no".

Instinctively she looked down at arms and armor.

Technically, this is worded correctly, but you're conveying a different idea than what I think you meant to. Without supplying a possessive pronoun, 'arms and armor' refers to generic weapons and armor. If you add "her", you change that to imply her arms (now meaning her limbs, not weapons) and armor, specifically.

Feeling her cheek, it was still sore as if badly sunburned.

This are two incomplete thoughts, which don't work together as they are. You can change it to the following to complete the meaning.

Feeling her cheek, she found it still sore, as if badly sunburned.

Also, if you notice, the second part ran on a little, and required a comma.

She looked around at her encasement again, not quite sure how she ended up her.

"Her" to "here". I can't stress it enough: PROOF-READ.

He had sent her through another partial!

"Partial" to "portal".

A strange, raspy chuckle snapped her out of her concentration.

While this technically works, the flow and meaning of it could be improved. "Concentration" can be changed to "contemplation". Yes, she's concentrating on her thoughts and recovering her short-term memories, but this is better implied with "contemplation". Look for things like this in your writing. Look it over, and see what you could change to make it flow smoother.

They started to cowl around themselves on either side of her; numerous legs protruding form its body like a centipedes. Roery drew back slowly to the wall, not entirely sure what to make of this new creature. The rest of the body slunk to the ground, connecting the two cowls in a half circle around her. A slick, armored head lifted up from inside the left cowl and hissed, glaring at her through blood red eyes.

A "cowl" is a hood, or cloth of some sort hiding the face. "Coil/coils" are desired here. Also "form" should be "from". And "centipede's" should have that apostrophe, since you are referring to the legs of a centipede.

Normally Roery wouldn’t have been so quick to attack but today she was not in the mood for… anything really.

A comma is required between each of the bolded words. Also, an ellpsis can be written how you have done so, or "Word A . . . Word B". I prefer the second way, but again, it's up to you. Another writer-specific preference.

Another darn beast was not what she needed right now so it was best to get rid of it fast before this day set itself a world record.

A comma should separate the bolded pair of words, and the third bolded word is unnecessary.

One finally made its mark, flinging the beast head slamming into the wall.

"Beast's head". Remember to add the possessive " 's " since you're referring to a specific part on a specific beast.

She coughed hard, dropping her guns and gripping at the metallic tail, attempting to loosen it hold.

Posessive "it's hold".

The behir slapped her against the wall again and again, all the wile her efforts unsuccessful.

>.> <.<

The blonde’s face began to turn red as air seceded to reach her lungs.

"Seceded" means to break away from, or to give up a possession or right. It might have worked in this usage, had you taken out the "to reach". But it might not have worked even then, since it's usually used in a completely different sense.

With one final burst of strength she swung her legs up, hooking them around the reptiles tail.

A comma should separate the first two bolded words, and an apostrophe should precede the "s" in the third.

She moved her foot into place she erupted her thruster. The serpents tail writhed in pain jerking her from side to side, finally releasing her, sending the girl crashing hard into the stone wall. She collapsed on the ground, coughing and breathing heavily.

Ok, the first sentence is incomplete. Look it over and change it as necessary. "Serpent's" should have the possessive apostrophe. The second sentence is a massive run-on, and should be separated into two or three new sentences. In that last sentence, "on" should be "to". She collapsed to the ground.

She landed to the beast side and seeing her opportunity, kicked the armored head with all her might. The beasts head recoiled and without even looking back, flung it’s mid body at the armored girl.

"Beast/beasts" are both lacking a possessive apostrophe. Ironically, the apostrophe in "it's" shouldn't be there. Also, separate the two bolded words.

She attempted to jump up out of harms way but was foiled by the creature’s long claws as they sank into her right foot, halting her essential.

Separate the two bolded words. And I have no clue what you mean by "essential". >.>

She fell back against the wall and attempted to use her thruster on the beast again but was again foiled as another claw wrapped itself around her left foot. The creature’s top half then wrapped around itself and moved in to strike at the armored girl.

Separate the bolded pair. Also, you used "again" twice, not only in the same sentence, but close together. That is somethign that you should refrain from doing, since it slows down the momentum of the writing a lot. Also, the last sentence is unclear. How and why does a creature wrap around itself?

Just before the reptile could snap its teeth around her head she ripped her feet free of the talons, leaving deep gashes in her armor and flesh, she was just barely able to snap the fiends jaw shut with a hard kick to its face.

This is a run-on sentence, and should be broken up into two or three new ones. Also, possessive apostrophe.

Roery slammed her feet into the wall behind her and pushed off with all her might, moving them both away from the wall slightly.

This part is worded too clumsily. You can move the adjective "slightly" in front of "away" to make it flow smoother.

Suddenly the serpent’s back most talons sank into her shoulders, gripping her tight, causing her to wince in pain.

"Tight" should be "tightly", and the last part of this sentence doesn't fit in well with the rest. Replace the last comma with "and" instead.

Other than that, there's just a few more instances of missing apostrophes. And it may help if you imagine the scene as it would be in a comic, and then try to convert it to writing. Anyways, fix this and I'll bring the combat to a conclusion, as well as get the next assignment up.

The beast’s head recoiled, and without even looking back, flung its mid body at the armored girl. She attempted to jump up out of harms way, but was foiled by the creature’s long claws as they sank into her right foot, halting her ascension. She fell back against the wall and attempted to use her thruster on the beast again, but was foiled once more as another claw wrapped itself around her left foot. The creature’s top half then wrapped around itself and moved in to strike at the armored girl.

Do I have to draw it out for you? Lol, probably not but I will anyway cause it sounds like a cool picture.

(i think i drew him to big... and i was too lazy to add in the spinedys
See, its mid body slams into her and grabs her with its legs. Its top half then wraps around its mid body (wraps around itself) and pins her to the wall, and I didn’t intend for it but his neck then wraps around itself to stick his head at her.

Well that’s what I was trying to write… how should I actually write it?

About the comic thing, it’s an entirely different process trying to figure out what happens next in a comic as opposed to writing it. With a comic, there’s a good reason why I come up with so many things that can happen next. The first idea usually consists of what would the character logically do next. I then add up the awesomeness of that move, along with how well I can draw it, and also how much potential it has for the next move to be awesome and flow with where I’m trying to get the comic to go. When I add all those things up the first idea usually doesn’t work, neither does the second or third one.

With writing, I don’t have to worry how easy it is to draw, which is probably one of the biggest factors in the comic. I don’t have to worry how I will get just the right angle for the viewer to understand what’s going on. Also, with complicated movements in a comic I have to determine what separate poses from a stream of motion I will use to convey what I’m trying to get across so the viewer can understand what they’re seeing. And then after that, there needs to be a way for something to happen next that will be awesome. So with writing, the only things I need to consider are the awesomeness, with where the story’s going.

I’m not saying that awesomeness is the only thing I worry about at all. Just for what specific attack a character will perform next.

essential.
seceded
partial
Muwhahaha, you underestimate how bad a speller I actually am. I was actually trying to write,
Ascension
Ceased
And portal

Heh, you're too naive. You'll see what I mean when I advance it.

Hey, that was just my first guess, as anyone’s first guess would have been.

*Is really exited to see what actually happens*

Alright, great, except for two things.

When writing your preferences, make sure that you use them consistently. So, if you hyphenate "old-looking", you also need to hyphenate "snake-like". In fact, consistent writing goes for all of the minor details. Numbers: letters or symbols. Whichever you use, make sure that you use them consistently.

I somehow overlooked this the first time, but "spinney" (spin-ney) is an English (as in England, rather than America) word for a small wood with underbrush. You were looking for “spiny”, I believe. Change those, and move onward.

Oh, and it still can’t wrap around itself. It could curl, but not wrap.

IC: Blood and gore splattered against the cold, hard stones of the chamber floor, the crimson liquid dripping from the behir’s fangs as it flung the gruesome mixture from its mouth. Blood splattered against the ground at Roery’s feet as well, the woman doubling over as it spurted from her mouth and ran down her arm and chest. Gagging at the salty taste and overwhelming nausea, the blonde fell to her hands and knees. The behir hissed as its prey fell into submission, the woman barely able to retain consciousness. Disappointment seemed to fill the creature’s eyes, it’s lengthy body twisting in anticipation of continued battle. Roery’s arms collapsed beneath her, her golden locks turning a subtle violet as they fell into the rapidly growing pool of blood around her. Her breath came in short, shallow gasps, accompanied by a thin trickle of blood.

The struggle at an obvious end, the behir astonishingly fell back, it’s multitude of talons clicking against the stone floor. Hissing one last time, the behir reared up and curled around itself. The deep blue, metallic scales blurred, melting into each other and subtly changing to a darker shade of green. The serpentine maw flattened, the royal blue faceplate fading to a milky white. The rapidly changing form blurred and twisted as the coils melded together. No longer distinguishable, the rubber-like form flew through the air in an arc, colliding with the collapsed form of the female solider. Roery lacked the strength to protest, or even acknowledge, the mysterious substance spreading over her body, the dark green liquid changing to match the blue of her armor.

Groaning, the blonde inched her head around, finding herself facing a pair of soft black boots. The substance covering her now flowed from twin sources, each spurting from half-formed arms. Slowly but surely, the pain pulsing throughout her entire body began to subside. Roery’s hazy green orbs darted to look at her left shoulder through the corner of her vision. It was healed. As were the various claw marks covering her body, as well as her crystal-blue armor. Unseen overhead, the flow ceased, the arcs that had flowed into her body withdrawing and twisting around themselves, forming the two completed arms. A black boot gently nudged her shoulder, it’s owner clicking his tongue in annoyance. The boot shoved against her shoulder, Roery finding herself rolled over onto her back and looking blankly up into an oval mask, the smooth, white surface cloaked in shadow.

“Pathetic.”

The single word was snapped out, dripping with disappointment and distaste. “So this is it, then? This is your limit? The length of your abilities?” Roery wanted to dispute these claims, yet the strength would not come to her lips. The man overhead squatted down, the mask covering his face hanging inches above hers.

“Tell me, woman, why you are worthy of the Dome. Why should the benefits of the masters here be wasted upon one as weak as you?”

OoC: Wai~! The battle has come to a conclusion, and Roery meets face-to-face with her as-of-yet-unknown-to-her teacher! Now, your assignment, young Patiwan, is to answer Kashet’s question, and have him take you to your new room. In regards to Roery’s answer, Kashet will neither negate it, nor inquire into it. Just have him simply accept the answer and take you away. Along the way, have Roery inquire as to the nature of her surroundings and Kashet himself.

Now, since you’ve got a good handle on basic roleplaying, I’m going to grade your post—rather harshly, too—on just how you have the two interact. If you aren’t true to either of their personalities or the situation, I’m going to make you redo it. Just a heads-up. And since you also seem to have no difficulty with the word count, I’m upping it to a minimum of 1,300 words. Besides, the task I’ve set you is a bit longer than normal. Oh, and have them stop at the door to Roery's room.

“Tell me, woman, why you are worthy of the Dome. Why should the benefits of the masters here be wasted upon one as weak as you?”

Roery lay speechless on the ground for a whole minute, alarmed and confused. Try as she may, the girl could not figure out what had just happened. Every time she started a thought and tried to connect it to another, she failed. Nothing that had just happened seemed to add up. Not even remotely.

She decided to start from the beginning. She was falling through an endless abyss . . .

She had awoken in a stone cell.

She had fought a serpent and, ultimately, was overpowered and beaten.

She was now lying on her back, completely healed, yet exhausted, staring up at a strange man wrapped in cloak and shadow. His deep, stern words echoed through her mind. Her brain wrapped itself around the words, filtering out the words it could not comprehend, taking in the ones it could.

Pathetic.

So this is it, then? This is your limit? The length of your abilities?

Why are you worthy. Why should the benefits of the masters here be wasted upon one as weak as you.

Anger and confusion started to build up inside her. Granted, she had just been beat to a bloody pulp, but never before had anyone spoken of her in such low regard. It infuriated her to the very core.

By now she had been lying, wordless, on the ground for two whole minutes, a look of confusion and bewilderment plastered on her face. The man above turned his head up, scratched the back of his neck, and sighed, clearly annoyed. This only made Roery madder. She tried to sit up, but found her body would not respond. With a silent grown, she moved her elbows to prop herself up. Slowly, she rolled over onto her hands and knees, then planted a foot on the ground and used her knee to push herself shakily to her feet. She tried to suppress her ragged breathing and pushed away her light-headedness. Roery glared up into his white, expressionless mask. He casually tilted his head down to look at her.

“I will stop at nothing to acquire whatever my heart desires.” She spat out. Roery stared him dead in the face as she spoke, not a waver in her voice. They stood there for several tense seconds, the man seemingly weighing her words.

Without a word he stepped to the side and walked past the fuming, young blond, leaving her staring at the blood stained wall before her. Nausea crept over her at realizing that that was her blood that soiled the stone cell. Roery heard his footsteps cease, then the soft pad of a hand being placed on the stone wall. The clatter of stone scraping against stone made her to turn around. The man stood motionless in front of an arched stone doorway. He turned his head back, giving her a mere glance, and strolled through into the hallway.

Roery glanced around the cold, blood stained chamber and decided it was best to follow the cloaked man. She jogged to catch up, and even then, had to walk quickly to keep up with him. Her breathing quickened but she was sure not to let him notice. She followed directly behind him and they made their way through the corridors. Still completely confused as to how she got here, Roery observed the interior of the grand building like a newborn child seeing the world for the first time. They passed countless doors, each one slightly different from every other, which she found intriguing. They took so many turns through the hallways that it seemed impossible for anyone to know there way around the place. Yet the man walked on, seemingly oblivious of the girl’s presence behind him as he paced quickly towards his destination.

It suddenly occurred to Roery that she did not yet know the man’s name. Although she preferred the silence, she decided it was best to speak up before they should depart. She quickened her pace and came up beside the masked man. “What your name?” she asked simply. It felt weird to her, asking such an innocent question after they’re previous exchange of words.

“Kashet.” he stated without so much as a glance in her direction.

“My names Roery.” Immediately realizing how awkward her simple response was, she slowed her pace and looked around uncomfortably at her surroundings as they passed by. Another minute of silence passed by. She was hesitant to strike up another conversation, but just had too many questions to hold the silence. “Where are we?” she asked as she strolled up next to him again.

“The Dome.”

“. . . Wh . . . what’s that?”

“A place where adventurers come to learn.”

“. . . Learn what?”

“Whatever they need too learn.”

He moved forward as he spoke, as if he had never said a word. His responses held no emotion, and didn’t tell the girl much. He seemed to say as little as possible, yet still answering her questions, which Roery found slightly annoying.

“Where are we going?”

“Your room.”

“My room?” He didn’t answer. Why do I have a room here? . . . I’ll be staying here . . . ? “I . . .” She thought for a second, trying to figure out exactly what to say. “I . . . have to go back to my home . . .” Still he did not answer, only walking swiftly forward. “Is there no way for me to go back home?” she asked, a slight sadness in her voice.

For the first time, he stopped and turned to face her. Surprised, Roery almost bumped into him. His expressionless mask loomed over her. “Not until you're ready.” He immediately spun on his heel and strolled away from her.

The blond stood there, pondering his words. How long will that be? How long will I be stuck here . . . ? She thought about asking the question, but chances where, even if he did respond, she wouldn’t get an answer.

Suddenly realizing Kashet was no longer in view, she ran over to the end of the corridor, coming to a perpendicular hallway. Her breathing heavy, She spotted the tail end of a cloak as it whipped around another corner. Sprinting around the turn she eventually caught up to the cloaked figure, slowing to a quick pace behind him. Roery struggled to quiet her ragged breathing, and was finally successful after a few moments.

Contemplating her situation, she noticed that she had no idea what State she was in, or if she was above or below ground. She had the sudden urge to get out of her armor. While she knew she was one of the only five humans in the world that could deactivate their armor above ground, she didn’t want the attraction it would bring by being the only one around that could. The way the man was shrouded, she couldn’t make heads or tails of the status of his biomechanical armor, or if he was a mutant or human for that matter.

Lifting her head and taking a few quick steps forward, she asked, “Wa- What State are we in, and are we above or below ground?”

His stride kept its pace as he turned his head slightly towards her at the odd question. “What do you mean ‘State’? And we're above ground of course.”

Slightly depressed about the aspect of not being able to deactivate her armor, she couldn’t hold back the urge to ask the next awkward question.

“Are . . . are you a . . . a mutant?”

Kashet turned his head slightly. “Don’t be absurd.” he said waving a hand towards her.

For the first time since they had met, she saw a part of his actual body. He wasn’t wearing his biomechanical armor!

“How are you able to survive on the surface without your armor?! Is this place insolated against the virus?! I’ve never heard of such a place!” He turned on his heel again to look at her. Once again she almost bumped into him.

“Woman, I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about.” He knocked his index knuckle on the door next to him. “This is your room.”

She was utterly bewildered; what did he mean by that? Did he not know about the virus?! Was he a human that could survive on the surface of the planet without his armor? She pulled her gaze away from him to look at the door and became even more perplexed. It was exactly the same metallic blue that covered her armor.

OoC: WooT. For a while there I was worried I wouldn’t make it to the word count but then I pulled out the awesome last couple of speakses! Here you go HH, rip my post into small pieces.

Don't say I didn't warn you. *Shreds*

Roery laid there speechless on the ground for a hole minute, alarmed and confused.

First, "hole" should be "whole". Also, the first section of your sentence is confused. You have two location-identifiers: "there" and "on the ground". You don't need to say 'there' since you've also said that she's on the ground. Therefore, you need to eliminate one. Obviously, "on the ground" is better than "there". Also, "laid" is the wrong tense. It should be "lay".

“Pathetic.”

“So this is it, then? This is your limit? The length of your abilities?”

“Why are you worthy. Why should the benefits of the masters here be wasted upon one as weak as you.”

Since these words are not being repeated, but remembered, they should be in italics.

Granted she had just been beat to a bloody pulp, never before had anyone spoken of her in such low regard.

A comma should separate "granted" from the rest, and a "but" should be inserted before "never".

By now she had been lying, wordless, on the ground for two whole minutes. A look of confusion and bewilderment plastered on her face.

The second sentence is incomplete. I'm guessing you meant to connect it to the first?

She thrust off the ground, quickly standing to her full height, and glared into his white, expressionless mask. He casually tilted his head down to look at her.

“I have overcome seemingly impossible feats, won victory over overwhelming odds, and will stop at nothing to acquire whatever my heart desires. And, if you mean to teach me, I will surpass you.” She spat out. Roery starred him dead in the face as she spoke, not a waver in her voice.

"Starred" (star-ed) should be "stared" (stare-d). Also, the general gist here is a bit unbelievable. Roery has just been through a near-death experience, and it is very unlikely that she'd have the energy to just pop up and make such a grand declaration with such spirit. Granted, the conviction she showed is good, but she'd more likely struggle waveringly to her feet and make a brief statement, rather than a speech. Also, she doesn't know that Kashet is her teacher at this point in time. Although Kashet's question may have been somewhat of a clue, Roery is severely dazed, confused, and would probably not come up with such an assumption.

Without a word he stepped to the side and walked past the fuming, young blond, leaving her starring at the blood stained wall before her. Nassau crept over her at realizing that that was her blood that soiled the stone cell.

"Starring" is the same as "starred". It should be "staring". And "nassau" should be "nausea".

Still completely confused as to how she got here, Roery observed the interior of the grand building like a new born child, seeing the world for the first time.

The bolded part is misleading. As it is written, you compare Roery to a newborn, and she is seeing the world for the first time. You want to delete the comma, which would compare her to a newborn seeing the world for the first time. Also, "new born" should be "newborn". No space.

Yet the man walked on, seemingly oblivious of the girls presence behind him as he paced quickly towards his destination.

There should be an apostrophe before the "s" in "girls". Without it, it seems like there's more than one girl.

Hesitant to strike up another conversation, she had too many questions to hold the silence.

This part is too confusing to make much of it. Re-word it. And "to" should probably be "too".

“. . . wh . . . what’s that?”

“A place where adventurers come to learn.”

“. . . learn what?”

Those first letters that I've bolded should be capitalized. While they are in the middle of a "speech", they are also the first letters of the sentence.

His responses held no emotion. His answers didn’t tell the girl much.

These two sentences are too simple, and don't read well. You should combine to two to make it more interesting.

“Where are we going”

Left out the punctuation.

“My room?” He didn’t answer. Why do I have a room here? . . . I’ll be staying here? . . .

“I . . .” she thought for a second, trying to figure out exactly what to say.

“I . . . have to go back to my home . . .” still he did not answer, only walking swiftly forward.

“Is there no way for me to go back home?” she asked, a slight sadness in her voice.

Since she's the only one speaking, and everything here is focusing on her feelings, it should be made into one paragraph. And the bolded "she" and “still” should be capitalized, since it's not a continuation of the speech before it.

[/I]How long will that be? How long will I be stuck here? . . .[/I]

When you want to convey a trailing thought or sentence at the end of a question, you put the question mark after the ellipse.

Suddenly realizing Kashet was no longer in view, she ran over to the end of the corridor, coming to a perpendicular hallway. She spotted the tail end of a cloak as it whipped around another corner. Sprinting around the turn she eventually caught up to the cloaked figure, slowing to a quick pace behind him.

Remember that Roery is still exhausted. You might want to re-convey that somewhere in here.

Contemplating her situation, she noticed that she had no idea what state she was in, or if she was above or below ground.

When using "state/states" to refer to the US, you need to capitalize it.

The way the man was shroud, she couldn’t make heads or tails of the statues of his biomechanical armor, or if he where a mutant or human for that matter.

"Shroud" should be "shrouded", "statues" "status", and "where" "was".

Lifting her head and, taking a few quick steps forward, ask, “Wa- What state are we in, and are we above or below ground?”

His stride kept its pace as he turned his head slightly towards her at the odd question. “What do you mean ‘state’? And where above ground of course.”

"State" again. The first comma should be erased, and "she" should be inserted before "ask", which should be "asked".

He turned on his heal again to look at her.

"Heal" should be "heel". This is why I told you to wait a day and read it over. *Puffy-cheeks anime face*

“Woman, I have absolutely no idea what your talking about.” he knocked his index knuckle on the door next to him. “This is you room.”

"Your" should be "you're", since it is a conjection of "you" and "are" in this instance. "He" should be capitalized, since it is separate of the speech. And "you" should be "your".

She was utterly bewildered, what did he mean by that?

The comma here should be a semicolon.

(Ignore the double post again, if you would.)

Roery starred him dead in the face as she spoke, not a waver in her voice.

You missed this. It should be "stared".

Hesitant to strike up another conversation, she just had too many questions to hold the silence.

This part is still too confusing. You need something along the lines of "although" or "but", to make it correct.

“Where are we going”

Still no punctuation.

“Not until your ready.”

"Your" to "you're".

“What do you mean ‘State’? And where above ground of course.”

"Where" should be "we're".

“How are you able to survive on the surface without you armor?!

"You" to "your".

That's all. Fix those things, and move on to your next lesson.

IC: “This will be your room while you are here.” Kashet stated coolly. “Rest while you can tonight; your training will begin tomorrow.” Roery opened her mouth, but the masked man plowed onward, drowning out whatever it was the young woman wanted to say. “There should be food waiting for you inside. I will send a servant for you in the morning, along with your breakfast.” With that, the cloaked man spun on his heel and strode evenly away, leaving the blonde-haired woman to gap after him.

OoC: Your assignment is to have Roery enter and examine her room. And here, my friend, is where you must strain your imagination to its limits. You can make her room anything you desire. Go wild. I once had a character with trees growing out of grass-like carpet, and vines covering the wall. Another had grand murals covering the walls. You get the point. Make Roery’s room a window into her very personality and soul. And, just cause I can, there must be an adjoining bathroom. Obviously, the main point here is creative, well thought-out adjectives, and a lot of ‘em. And don’t forget to have her eat before she turns in for the night. After all, it’s a key point for achieving the second goal I’m giving you: to use two separate examples of each of the five senses (taste, touch, sight, sound, smell). 1,200 words minimum. Get crack’n.

OoC: I dont know why I'm having such a hard time with my assignment O_o The measure of hardtimeitude is mind-boggling. Regrettably, I'm going to have to post what I already have, which is incomplete, and so horrible, that I want to scrap it, but at the same time, is far to well written in some places to even think of scraping it. And every time I go to work on it, nothing comes out, and it gives me too much anxiety because I don’t like working on any other posts until I have this done.

BiC:

The armored girl stood there in the hallway for a full five minuets before finally urging herself enough to move. Slowly, she turned to face the metallic blue door. She raised her left hand to the door, examining the shimmering, royal blue of her armor that was identical to that of the doors surface. Hesitantly, she lowered her hand to the doorknob—that was coincidentally the same pearly white hue that made up the other half of her armor. Her hand shook slightly as she gripped the doorknob. The blond girl stood there for another few seconds.

... This is stupid. It’s just a door Roery. She said to herself as she closed her eyes. Slightly annoyed with herself, she opened her eyes again, turned the knob, and pushed open the door to her room.

The first thing that caught her eye, and what took her by surprise the most, were the parts of the room that looked identical to the room she remembered from the girl she was cloned from. The desk against the side wall, along with varies items on it including a small mirror, the jewelry box on one of the desk shelves, an empty picture frame, and a thick golden candle. Roery’s feet seemed plastered to the ground as she stood there at the doorway. Her eyes wide in bewilderment and confusion, and also a little bit of panic. She hadn’t even taken in anything else in the room, yet her mind struggling to wrap around what stood in just a corner of the apartment.

The memories of her past life flooded her mind. She could vividly remember the day that her parents had brought home that desk, and the countless hours she had spent sitting at it, working on homework, scrapbooks, and other various activities. The candle had been given to her by her best friend on her birthday, and had staid, almost as part of the scenery, on her desk for the years after. And then there was the empty picture frame. That creeped her out more then anything else. She immediately recognized it as the frame that held the picture of her family. The picture had been taken on the Christmas of Two thousand and three. The blond haired woman stared at the photograph frame, able to clearly see the void picture.

In truth, she had never, since the day she was born again as a clone, seen anything that was real or tangible from her past life, nothing that was unique to only her, not a single thing. It was as if the girl that she was cloned from only existed in her memory, as she had long from been forgotten and wiped away by the rest of the world, as is what happens when a millennia goes by... And if Roery were to die, the only records of the former Roery would cease to exist entirely.

But now. Here in front of her. She could barely believe her own eyes. Where on earth was she? The only explanation was that this whole affaire had just been one long, frightening, sad, and painful dream.

As a matter of fact, she had felt something similar to this once before in her life. The day that she had awoken in the shattered glass tub, and had meat J for the very first time. Or rather, the first day of her life. On that day, everything she knew, every memory she had. None of that actually mattered. And in the end, she had to accept that there was no going back, and that the only way to survive was to keep pressing on.

But now, this was something else. Had she been thrust into another time zone? That might answer her questions about the cloaked man and his lack of knowledge of the virus, or of anything else she had tried to tell him. But nothing could explain the evidence of the former Roery’s life that stood right before her.

The armored girl ripped her eyes away from the desk. Her mind couldn’t handle looking at it anymore.

The next thing she saw was the queen sized bed that was a little farther down the same wall. It was the same plush, comfortable bed that she had back at her room in the apartment that her and Ray shared. Although it was obvious that it was not the exact same bed. The blankets and pillows looked bran-new, and the design on the blanket was slightly different. On it sat her duffel bag that had been in the side compartment in her motorcycle. It had all the clothing and other various toiletries and such in it that she took with her whenever she went on a long distance mission. It was comforting to see her actual belongings there on the bed, and at the same time it was a bit confusing. Her first impression of the dome had assumed this place to be some kind of cruel prison or torture facility. But this room contrasted those thoughts completely with the overwhelming sense of hospitality and comfort.

Roery’s attention was then grabbed by something else, and this time not by her eyes, but by her nose. She inhaled through her nose and at the same time spotted the source of the palatable scent. On the night stand on the other side of the bed was a tray of food. It suddenly struck Roery just how hungry she actually was, and how strange it was that she hadn’t noticed the tray before. Almost unconsciously, she took a few steps into the room as the door closed behind her. She then stopped, catching herself and looking back at the door.

The girl rolled her eyes. Your being paranoid Roery... She smirked slightly and headed again for her dinner. She sat down on the edge of the bed and examined the various foods that were neatly placed on the tray. Then again, they do seem to know entirely too much about you... things you’ve never told anyone... things you dont even remember... not to mention you just get beaten nearly to death... you have a right to be paranoid... right?

OoC: 1027 words... I cant work on it anymore! ;_; *cries*

Right, very nice. Just a thing or two to fix, and then onto the next lesson.

The picture had been taken on the Christmas of two thousand and three.

Dates should be capitalized. Shazzlebot.

In truth, she had never, since the day she was born again as a clone, never had she seen anything that was real or tangible from her past life, nothing that was unique to only her, not a single thing.

Redundancy!

And that’s all. There were a few spelling/grammar errors, but we shall not nit-pick, for I know first-hand how your writing has improved since I neglected this. <_<;

Now, your lesson.

Roery awakes to knocking at her door. She opens it to find some manner of creature waiting for her, note in hand. The note reads thus:

Follow your shadow.

And that is all. The messenger departs as Roery reads, but not before dropping a small vial of purple liquid on her shadow. Roery’s shadow then proceeds to detach it from her body, and begins to run down the hallway. Of course, anyone would run after their shadow, should it do such a thing. Your character will follow her shadow through all manner of rooms and such, finally arriving at a ruby (and I do mean the jewel) door. The shadow slips under the door crack, and there you end your post, with Roery opening the door to follow.

Now, description is important here, as is creativity, for you shall have to describe all manner of things as Roery goes along her chase. And no simple hallways and rooms for you! I want to see some major creativity! Mind-blowing chambers! The most imaginative places you can conceive! GO!