[Altamira] Jonas' training

OoC: thank you for doing this, a link for Jonas is in the sig.

BiC:“Am I really doing this?” Jonas thought to himself as he walked along in the forest. It felt like Jonas had been this road for two weeks, possibly three. It was almost impossible to tell how long he had been there.

It started when Jonas got his weapon, his giant hammer. What had happened was that he was told by his guardian, a great lord, that a hammer he had on display was only to be lifted by a true hero. So Jonas decided to give it a shot and after a few tries it was lifted. Afterwards he decided he needed to become the hero the hammer thought he was and he knew that there would be no help where he was. So he packed some food, took some money, and left the lord’s mansion.

When he left he knew which way to go. It wasn’t his gut that told him; it was just that he knew that the forest held his future because that was the way his father took before he died. So he left into the forest, but knowing someday he would return.

Was that a long time ago, or was it yesterday? He wouldn’t know. He should stop looking at the past and pay attention to the present. Ounce he started paying attention to his surroundings he saw a bar in the distance. Jonas knew that eating deer will only get you so far so he decided he should check out this bar.

He walks inside the bar and to his surprise it’s filled with people. So he walks up to the manager and asks what food they had, the bartender replied “You eat? Does that mean that you’re human? This is no place for mortals; I think you should leave before someone finds out who you are.”

“So you’re saying that you aren’t human?” said Jonas. “Then I’m guessing that you either a spirit or a demon. Which one are you?”

“Spirit, but you are not and if someone finds out you’ll be joining…”

“Larry who’s that kid you’re talking to… wait he’s human!” said one of the spirits.
The whole bar started saying, “Let him suffer like we are!” and, “He should go to hell with us!”

And then one of the spirits came foreword, he looked like the leader of the group. He told everyone to be quiet and said, “My name is Robinson, my fellows are called the clan of the damned. I will make you a deal, I will turn into a physical form and you shall battle me with that big hammer, and I with my sword. If you win I will show you what you seek and give you safe passage away from here. But if I win you shall be cursed and forever be part of my crew.”

Jonas with no other option accepted and the battle began. It was Jonas with the first attack. He was trying to smash him from above but Robinson blocked and parried him with a slice. Jonas couldn’t tell which way it was coming from so he called on his black fire and did another smash. Jonas got a great his and did as much damage as a cannon from two feet away.

Robinson’s slice almost hit Jonas but it was an inch off. Getting back on his feet he said, “You are one special kid to be holding that hammer. I have a special door that will take you wherever you need to go." Then Jonas saw a door on the side start to glow. "Now do you know where you are going?”

"No I don't" said Jonas. "I was hoping that my destination would find me."

"Then I can't say that this door will help you, it might even kill you" said Robinson.

"I have no other choice but to try my chances" said Jonas. So Jonas opened the door and stepped through. What he saw was amazing. It was a beautiful gate with very unique design and the wall around the gate seemed like it went on forever in all directions. He was standing on a field that also had no end.

"You have been chosen" said a very commanding voice. Jonas looked at the gate again and saw a buff man in a black cloak that seemed like the gate keeper. "You are Jonas are you not?"

"Yes my name is Jonas. What have I been chosen for?"

"You have been chosen to learn from the great heroes of all. You have been chosen to learn at the Dome." At that moment the gate opened and Jonas walked foreword.

Alright, the role-playing wasn't bad, but we've got a lot of work to do with grammar.

Originally Posted by flammerfire

“Am I really doing this?” Jonas thought to himself as he was walking along in the forest. Jonas has been on this same road for 2 weeks. Or was it three? He couldn’t tell how long he’s been there.

Alright, you seem to be having some trouble with using the correct tenses. You're using positive present tense verbs, when you should be using past tense. For instance, "was walking" should be "walked", "has" should be "had", and "he's" should be "he'd" or "he had".

Originally Posted by flammerfire

“Am I really doing this?” Jonas thought to himself as he was walking along in the forest. Jonas has been on this same road for 2 weeks. Or was it three? He couldn’t tell how long he’s been there.
It started when Jonas got his weapon, his giant hammer. What had happened was that he was told by his guardian, a great lord, that a hammer he had on display was only to be lifted by a true hero. So Jonas decided to give it a shot and after a few tries it was lifted. Afterwards he decided he needed to become the hero the hammer thought he was and he knew that there would be no help where he was. So he packed some food, took some money and left the lord’s mansion.
When he left he knew which way to go, it wasn’t his gut that told him it was just that he knew that the forest held his future because that was the way his father took before he died. So he left into the forest, but knowing someday he would return.
That was a long time ago or was it yesterday? He wouldn’t know. But now is what he needs to keep focus on, and now shows an average bar, but in the middle of nowhere. Jonas knows that eating deer will only get you so far so he decides he should check out this bar.

When you start a new paragraph, you should put a break between them. It makes it easier to read.

Originally Posted by flammerfire

“Am I really doing this?” Jonas thought to himself as he was walking along in the forest. Jonas has been on this same road for 2 weeks. Or was it three? He couldn’t tell how long he’s been there.
It started when Jonas got his weapon, his giant hammer. What had happened was that he was told by his guardian, a great lord, that a hammer he had on display was only to be lifted by a true hero. So Jonas decided to give it a shot and after a few tries it was lifted. Afterwards he decided he needed to become the hero the hammer thought he was and he knew that there would be no help where he was. So he packed some food, took some money and left the lord’s mansion.

When he left he knew which way to go, it wasn’t his gut that told him it was just that he knew that the forest held his future because that was the way his father took before he died. So he left into the forest, but knowing someday he would return.

That was a long time ago or was it yesterday? He wouldn’t know. But now is what he needs to keep focus on, and now shows an average bar, but in the middle of nowhere. Jonas knows that eating deer will only get you so far so he decides he should check out this bar.

Like that. See?

Jonas has been on this same road for 2 weeks. Or was it three? He couldn’t tell how long he’s been there.

Alright, here you changed from using a numerical symbol to writing out the number. You can use either "2" and "3", or "two" and "three", but you can't change between the two sets. It's generally better accepted if you write out numbers, but using the numerical symbols is fine too, as long as you don't switch between the two in the same post.

Also, your message was somewhat confused in that sentence. First you presented a definite unit of time as a fact, and then you said that he couldn't tell how long he had been there. If your character is confused or unsure, you should present it as a feeling or estimate, rather than a fact. For instance: "It felt like Jonas had been on the same road for two weeks, maybe even three. It was so hard to tell how long he had been there."

Originally Posted by flammerfire

So he packed some food, took some money, and left the lord’s mansion.

When listing three or more items or actions, use a comma to separate each. Here you put in the first one, but left out the second.

Originally Posted by flammerfire

When he left he knew which way to go, it wasn’t his gut that told him it was just that he knew that the forest held his future because that was the way his father took before he died.

Here you ran on too much. It's important that you know when and where to use periods and commas.

Originally Posted by flammerfire

When he left he knew which way to go. It wasn’t his gut that told him; it was just that he knew that the forest held his future because that was the way his father took before he died.

That is what it should look like. Also, notice that I used a semicolon ( ; ) in the second sentence. Semicolons are used to separate two verses that are closely related. In this instance, a separation was required between the two parts, but the second part was a direct responce to the first. It's something that takes a little practice.

Originally Posted by flammerfire

That was a long time ago or was it yesterday? He wouldn’t know.

Here you've presented a confusing message again. Like I pointed out earlier, you can't present the same thing as a fact, and then as a guess. You also should have separated the two parts. As a general rule, "or"s are usually preceded by commas.

Originally Posted by flammerfire

Was that a long time ago, or was it yesterday? He wouldn’t know.

Originally Posted by flammerfire

But now is what he needs to keep focus on, and now shows an average bar, but in the middle of nowhere.

Again, the message you're trying to present to the reader is very confused. Don't be afraid to stretch things out, and express ideas out over several sentences.

Jonas knows that eating deer will only get you so far so he decides he should check out this bar.

Here you've written using present tense verbs, rather than past. Present tense tends to make everything dry and too factual if you use it at the wrong time. Past tense is much more interesting, and will hold the readers' attention.

Jonas knew that eating deer will only get you so far so he decided he should check out this bar.

Better, yes?

He walks inside the bar and to his surprise it’s filled with people. So he walks up to the manager and asks what food they had, the bartender replied, “You eat? Does that mean that you’re human? This is no place for mortals, I think you should leave before someone finds out who you are.”
“So you’re saying that you aren’t human?” Said Jonas, “Then I’m guessing that you either a spirit or a demon. Which one are you?”
“Spirit, but you are not and if someone finds out you’ll be joining…”
“Larry who’s that kid you’re talking to… wait he’s human!” said one of the spirits.
The whole bar started saying, “Let him suffer like we are!” and, “He should go to hell with us!”
And then one of the spirits came foreword, he looked like the leader of the group. He told everyone to be quiet and said, “My name is Robinson, my fellows are called the clan of the damned. I will make you a deal, I will turn into a physical form and you shall battle me with that big hammer, and I with my sword. If you win I will show you what you seek and give you safe passage away from here. But if I win you shall be cursed and forever be part of my crew.”

When writing dialog, you should move on to a whole new paragraph when the speaker changes. Also, use commas to separate the speach from action. And you don't capitalize the words following speech when you link them together with a comma. Please note however, that you do need to do so when you use a period.

He walks inside the bar and to his surprise it’s filled with people. So he walks up to the manager and asks what food they had, the bartender replied, “You eat? Does that mean that you’re human? This is no place for mortals, I think you should leave before someone finds out who you are.”

“So you’re saying that you aren’t human?” said Jonas. “Then I’m guessing that you either a spirit or a demon. Which one are you?”

“Spirit, but you are not and if someone finds out you’ll be joining…”

“Larry who’s that kid you’re talking to… wait he’s human!” said one of the spirits.

The whole bar started saying, “Let him suffer like we are!” and, “He should go to hell with us!” And then one of the spirits came foreword; he looked like the leader of the group.

He told everyone to be quiet and said, “My name is Robinson. My fellows are called the clan of the damned. I will make you a deal, I will turn into a physical form and you shall battle me with that big hammer, and I with my sword. If you win I will show you what you seek and give you safe passage away from here. But if I win you shall be cursed and forever be part of my crew.”

One last thing: The Dome is a sentinel being in and of itself. It finds you and brings you to it, not the other way around. Travelers aren't supposed to be able to enter it on their own.

So, please fix everything I mentioned, and I'll give you your first assignment. Also, while I pointed out the problems that needed addressing, I did not point out each case. Please read your post over carefully and look for the things I mentioned.

i tried my best to get everything fixed.

Originally Posted by Hyrulian Hero

One last thing: The Dome is a sentinel being in and of itself. It finds you and brings you to it, not the other way around. Travelers aren't supposed to be able to enter it on their own.

when you said that i didn't really uderstand but then i thought about it and i decided to change the entire ending

Well, you missed some stuff, but it'll be fine for now. Onward, ho!

IC: Jonas blinked rapidly as his eyes adjusted to the considerably dimmer lighting. Finally able to make out general shapes, the young man slowly turned around, finding himself in a circular room, the surrounding stone walls lacking any doors or windows at all. The only source of illumination came from above, a rickety brass chandelier supporting several lit candles. Without warning, something hard and heavy slammed into the teenager’s back, sending him sprawling across the room. Leaping to his feet, Jonas instinctively raised his hammer, the oncoming blow connecting against the weapon’s broad side.

A tall, cloaked figure loomed over Jonas, two glinting eyes peering down at him from the shadowed void of the hood. The point of a lance-like blade shoved Jonas and his hammer away, rising up again to strike him down. Jonas shifted his grip on his mighty weapon, swinging it upwards to knock away the descending blade. Even still, the weapon sought his life, jabbing in quickly from the side. Again and again, Jonas deflected the blow, yet each attack sent him back a step, until he was firmly pressed up against the wall.

The two weapons came together once more, yet the strength behind the cloaked figure’s blade had increased exponentially, sending Jonas’ hammer flying from his hands to skid across the floor. The blade rose once more . . . and stabbed down, the tip digging into the stone beside Jonas’ head. The figure pulled the blade free and held it upright.

“Alright. You’re not terrible.” The man said, the blade melting down into the cloak. “But you’re weak. My name is Kashet, and I’ll be teaching you everything you need to know about fighting.” Kashet reached over, placing his left hand on the wall next to Jonas. Slowly, the wall began to change, an opening appearing from the man’s hand and spreading outward to form a door.

“Retrieve your weapon and come with me.”

OoC: Alright, have Jonas follow Kashet. He'll lead your character to his new room. Along the way, have Jonas ask Kashet about the Dome, and stop at the door to his room. Remember to try and be true to others' characters, and use their personality right. 600 word minimum.