Zi's heart was beating fast. She shook her lilac hair back and whipped her hands through the water, yearning to discover the clear surface. Having been underwater for exactly 47 seconds, Zi was rapidly running out of oxygen. Her face was starting to turn red, and her eyes stung terribly from having opened them underwater. Looking up, Zi felt relieved; the surface was only about two feet out of reach. She broke the smooth, glassy surface of the water and kicked her legs up so she was floating on her back. She bathed in the elegant light radiating off the full moon. She was exhausted after travelling so far in the space of a mere few hours.
After a few moments of relaxation, Zi had regained her stamina, and started swimming to the lake's edge, not too far away. She had been swimming for so long that she hadn't realised the current temperature - with no thermometer in view, Zi took an educated guess that the temperature stood somewhere between 0 and 5 degrees. Small flecks of snow were falling, contrasting against the deep purple sky. Without the teenager's consent, tears started to drip from her eyes. Being outside, alone with the moon, put her in such a melancholy mood. It brought all the sad memories Zi had spent so many hours trying to forget, right into the middle of her mind. There was the time she'd left the icy plateau where she'd spent the majority of her life. When she first said good-bye to her mother and father, before pursuing a dream to battle alone. Even the thought of being rejected by her (at the time) four year old neighbour brought tears to her eyes. Attempting to forget about these past events, Zi shook her head and stepped out of the water and into a midst of trees.
'Are you alright, dearie?' the voice sounded like an elderly, sweet old woman, but - there was no one around Zi. She swung her head around, looking to see where this voice may have come from. 'You can't see me, can you?' Nervously, Zi shook her head. Who was this person? Could they see her? And why were they talking to her? 'Heh, that's normal, I guess. You're a human, I presume?' Zi was done with answering questions and being scared.
'Who are you? Where are you?' she called out aimlessly, looking for a figure hiding within the trees. 'There's no point in looking, dearie, you won't see me.' Maybe she couldn't see her, but could she use the voice to guide her in the direction of the mysterious intruder? Zi stood quietly in the forest and listened for the voice again. 'Are you interested in who I am? Or should I say, what I am?' Zi continued standing silently. She was almost certain the voice was coming from somewhere to the left of her. She tiptoed over the green and brown leaves littering the forest floor. 'Where are you going?' the voice seemed irritated that Zi had stopped questioning it's source. Nonetheless, the teenager continued in what she guessed to be the direction of the voice.
Suddenly, the forest floor gave way to Zi. She screamed as she fell through the dark, deep hole. 'Am I going to die?!' she thought, frantically scanning the walls for a protruding rock to land on. Suddenly, her feet made contact with the compacted ground. The force of falling pushed the rest of her body down and she groaned. After checking herself over for injuries, she wearily stood up, resting on the dirt wall for support. Her next aim, of course, was to exit this dank hole. She searched the walls for signs of cracks or holes - anything that she could grab to get her out of here! At least the mysterious voice had vanished - for now, at least.
Zi had almost given up searching for a way out, when a small fleck of light caught her eye. She dropped to the floor and looked through the tiny crack in the mud. It went all the way through to the other side, which surprisingly, wasn't too far away. She clawed and scraped her fingernails through the dirt, clambering for the freedom on the other side. After not a very long period of digging, Zi's hands pushed through the last of the dirt wall. 'Being petite has its advantages', Zi thought, worming her small body through the hole she'd made.
Departing the hole, Zi gasped. In front of her stood the very place she'd spent the last few weeks searching for: the legendary, the spectacular, The Dome. She had made it.
All righty now! I apologise for the delay in getting to your thread. This post was very good. I liked the beginning, particularly the intensity of your depictions, a great deal. There are a few grammatical matters I would like to point out:
She shook her lilac hair back and whipped her hands through the water swiftly...
As "whipped" connotes swiftness, "swiftly" is an adverb unneeded.
Looking up, Zi felt relieved; the surface was only about two feet out of reach. She swam up to the surface and kicked her legs up so she was floating on her back.
As Zi's purpose and proximity to the surface has been established in the preceding sentence, "swam up to the surface" is somewhat redundant. You might rather show her "breaking the surface" - in a word, replace this phrase with another that shows with more invigoration than what is current Zi leaving the depths.
She had been swimming for so long that she hadn't realised the current temperature - well, with no thermometer in view...
"Well" reads too informally, and is therefore unneeded.
... Zi took an educated guess that the temperature stood somewhere between 0 and 5 degrees, at maximum.
Since 0 to 5 degrees is a range, saying "at maximum" is unnecessary.
Small flecks of snow were falling from the sky, contrasting against the deep purple sky.
"From the sky" is more or less unnecessary.
It almost appeared to bring all the sad memories Zi had spent so many hours trying to forget...
"Almost appeared" is awkward; the atmosphere either brings sad memories to Zi or it doesn't. =P
There was the time she'd left the icy plateau where she'd spent the majority of her life at.
Try to avoid ending sentences in prepositions - merely concluding the sentence with "life" reads quite well.
'You can't see me, can you?'nervously, Zi shook her head.
As Zi's action is a reaction to the previous statement, made by someone other than herself, capitalize the "n" in "nervously".
'Who are you? Where are you?' she called out aimlessly, still looking for a figure hiding within the trees.
Since information regarding Zi's search through the trees is new, "still" is an unneeded adverb.
Zi stood quietly in the forest and listened for the voice again.
Wait a minute... forest floor? But we never saw Zi leaving the water... I was left with the impression until this point that she was still in the water, glancing about her for the source of the mysterious voice from the water. Describe her leaving the water and coming into the forest in some earlier part of the post.
She tiptoed over the green and brown leaves littering the forest floor in search of the voice.
Zi's search has already been established, so this notation is unnecessary.
'Am I going to die?!' she thought to herself...
"To herself" is unnecessary.
Suddenly her feet made contact with the compacted ground.
Insert a comma after "suddenly"
'Being petite has it's advantages', Zi thought to herself, as she wormed her small body through the hole she'd made.
1) Remove the quotation mark; it should be "its"
2) "To herself" is again unneeded
3) Rather than using this "as" construction, "worming" ("... worming her small body through the hole...") would read more efficiently.
In front of her stood the very place she'd spent the last few weeks searching for - the legendary, the spectacular, The Dome.