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Old 03-15-2006, 12:51 PM
Angel Angel is a male United Kingdom Angel is offline
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[Awbri] Kric's Training

“You are four days late, what took you so long?” Heon barked at Kric. The younger alchemist kept his gaze fixed firmly on the floor, not bothering to give an answer to the man or even look at him.

“I asked you a question, Diamond Alchemist!” the older man shouted. At the sound of his title, Kric looked up, unwittingly staring straight into Heon’s eyes. Hate swelled up in the younger man, and it was trying to not show through his eyes. For nearly three years this man had been out of his life, and it was only because the State had called the group together once more that he was traveling with them.

“Water, give him a break,” a woman to his right said softly. Breaking his gaze away from Heon, Kric looked at the five men and women who stood watching the argument, and it was one wearing a dark green coat who had spoken. Looking at her, the diamond alchemist’s heart melted. It was Chloe, otherwise known as the Plant Alchemist, and she was only two years older than Kric. While the man had traveled with the group his affection for her had grown, even though she was one of the ten who had helped kill the people of his village.

“The kid got here before we were about to leave, so get off his case,” Chloe continued. Grunting with disapproval, the older alchemist gave Kric one last glare, and began walking up the path.

She always gets Heon to stop shouting at me, yet I never know why… the young alchemist thought to himself, his gaze fixed on Chloe. As if knowing she watched being watched, the female alchemist looked straight at Kric. In that one moment that there vision was connected, every part of the diamond alchemist’s body began to hum with excitement, accidentally triggering his alchemic ability. Without knowing it, the ground around him began to rise, until it was at vision height, making Kric fall out of his sloppy day dream.

“Diamond, what happened this time!” a man shouted from the outside of the small barrier. With a thud the wall exploded, revealing two men with their fists out.

“Thanks Sam, Felix,” the younger alchemist said, wiping dust from his trousers. The other two alchemists gave him a funny look, then proceeded to follow Heon. Looking round, he saw that Chloe was already gone, already catching up with the Water Alchemist leading the group. Cursing under his breath, Kric fell into line behind another woman and followed the group.

“How’s life been treating you, Kric?” the woman said casually, turning her head to look at him.

“Not too bad Eva, how’s it been under Heon’s rule? Anymore ambushes that nearly got you killed?” Kric replied, keeping his gaze fixed on Chloe, who was talking mildly with Sam.

“A few, but nothing we couldn’t handle. I honestly think that you shouldn’t have left the group, we haven’t lost anybody since Isaac last year, and the other three…” the woman started, but faltered at the last part of the sentence. The younger alchemist knew why she had stopped, since the three that had died had been killed at his own hands, with the very blade that he now carried on his back. Another thing that had made her falter was that one of the three had been her husband, a kind man who only followed orders to help his country.

“If I could rewind time I would go back to that night,” Kric muttered silently.

“History can never rewritten, no matter how much we wish it,” Eva sighed. Knowing that the conversation was finished, the younger alchemist fell silent, thinking his own private thoughts.

~

After three straight hours of walking, the group came to a halt at the end of the path, where an unspeakable drop started. The group had started of at the base of a mountain, and now they were nearing its peak.

“We make camp for tonight, then we will make ourselves a path over the drop and back onto the path tomorrow, so get ready for the task ahead!” Heon shouted to the group. Moaning aloud, the alchemists dispersed.

“There’s never a trek we have to take without us putting some kind of effort into,” Felix moaned. Scratching the ground with a knife, the alchemist made an intricate design on the floor, then with a wave of his hand moved the earth around it, gradually forming it into a bunk bed, complete with a large piece of overhanging rock to shield it if it rained.

“Not bad brother, but the overhanging was a little overboard,” Sam laughed. With a jump he landed on the top bunk, laying down and closing his eyes. Rolling his own eyes at his brother’s action, Felix lay down on his own bunk, and followed his brother into a peaceful sleep. The others soon followed suit, each either making a single bed out of stone or making a bunk to share with another. Making his own alchemic circle, Kric tried to make a bed, but the stone rose out as just a rectangular piece of rock.

“You missed out the second wave symbol,” said a voice behind him. Turning round, the diamond alchemist saw it was Chloe, the sight of her making the man’s face go bright red. Giggling like she was a schoolgirl, the female alchemist bent down and added a few more symbols to Kric’s circle, finally finishing it with a stab in the middle. Pressing his hand to it, Kric watched as another stone bed rose out of the ground, this one a bunk bed.

“You want to share?” the man said with disbelief, making his face go even redder. She didn’t reply, but with a jump landed on the top bunk. His mind reduced to mere mush by the woman, Kric stupidly tried to follow the woman up.

“Diamond, you’re on the bottom!” a man shouted from behind Kric. With a heave someone pulled on the back of his overcoat, pulling off the bunk bed. Landing with a thud, the younger alchemist looked up to see another man, who was dressed in silver, Rowan, the Stone Alchemist. The man’s face was contorted with laughter at what had just happened.

“Very funny, now pull me up,” Kric grumbled. The other man pulled him up, patting him on the back.

“She will one day be yours, but until then you know the rules for alchemist fraternizing,” Rowan replied. Mumbling under his breath, the diamond alchemist laid down on his bed, pulling his coat over him for warmth. Though the bed was made of stone, it didn’t irritate him, his training had taught him that even stone is better than nothing to lie on. Drifting into a peaceful slumber, he closed is eyes and turned over.

------
Kric was once again stood in a campsite, but it was much smaller than the one where he fell asleep, and instead of stone beds around him were several small tents, each adorned with symbols around the top. His clothes had changed, he was now wearing ragged clothes, and his sword Wraith was in his hand, stained with blood. There were screams in the air, and people were running towards him, all taller than him. One shot a stone projectile at him, the end hitting him in the arm, making him feel immense pain. There was a sudden jolt in his vision and the area around him melted into nothing, leaving a black void around him.

Your training was never finished, here you can finally learn what you always wanted to know… a voice said, emitting from all around him. It filled the alchemist with peace, and the void suddenly disappeared, waking Kric from the illusion.
-----

The alchemist sat straight up, his forehead covered with beads of sweat. Looking left and right, Kric found that he was no longer in the campsite, but in a walled marble room, the glow hurting his eyes.

“Welcome to the Dome, my friend,” said a voice to his right.

Ooc: hope this is long enough, I didn’t put that many words in it ^_^
__________________


[Vergil] [Caliga]

"O may it be Thy will, my God and the God of my fathers,
not to let me fall into the hands of this angel.”

Last Edited by Angel; 03-19-2006 at 03:53 AM. Reason:
  #2 (permalink)   [ ]
Old 03-15-2006, 10:31 PM
Gracie Gracie is offline
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Re: [Awbri] Kric's Training

Nice introductory sentence-I like how it makes you want to know what he is late for. Dialogue is always a good thing to start with.

-When addressing someone, either at the begining, in the middle, or at the end of the sentence, like this: '“I asked you a question Diamond Alchemist!” the older man shouted.' you should always have commas surrounding it. But, since Alchemist is the last word in the sentence, you only use the first comma, placing it in front of Diamond.
-Same deal here: '“Give him a break Water,” a woman to his right said softly.'
-And here. '“What happened this time Diamond!” a man shouted from the outside of the small barrier.'
-Aaand... here. '“How’s life been treating you Diamond Alchemist?” the woman said casually, turning her head to look at him.'
-'“You’re on the bottom Diamond!” a man shouted from behind Kric.' This too!
-Can't forget this: “Very funny Rowan, now pull me up,” Kric grumbled.

Do you understand completley why this are incorrect?
__________________
[These Guys Will Show You Inescapable Doom]

"Maybe it's the sum of a million coincidences we don't quite control that brings us to a particular place
at a particular time, or maybe it's the choices we make, the actions we take. If there's one thing I've learned in 85 years, it's
that what we want doesn't always matter. But then again, sometimes it's all that does." - Mick St. John



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Old 03-16-2006, 09:01 PM
Gracie Gracie is offline
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Re: [Awbri] Kric's Training

How to explain, how to explain...

Well, when you address someone, you don't really rush into the sentence, now do you. Just think about this:

You walk up to your friend, whose name is Kayla.

Kayla what are you doing?

Say that together fast. Does that make much sense? Now pause a little after Kayla (indicating a comma) and it sounds a little better, doesn't it?

I'll try to find out the exact rule from my english teacher, but I know for a fact that it's right. Understood now?
__________________
[These Guys Will Show You Inescapable Doom]

"Maybe it's the sum of a million coincidences we don't quite control that brings us to a particular place
at a particular time, or maybe it's the choices we make, the actions we take. If there's one thing I've learned in 85 years, it's
that what we want doesn't always matter. But then again, sometimes it's all that does." - Mick St. John



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Old 03-26-2006, 03:36 PM
Angel Angel is a male United Kingdom Angel is offline
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Re: [Awbri] Kric's Training

Yes I do, and ive edited everything you have asked for, is it acceptable now?
__________________


[Vergil] [Caliga]

"O may it be Thy will, my God and the God of my fathers,
not to let me fall into the hands of this angel.”

  #5 (permalink)   [ ]
Old 03-26-2006, 04:35 PM
Gracie Gracie is offline
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Re: [Awbri] Kric's Training

Your teacher is Mrs. Miniya, the Queen of Pirates. Not really, but meh.

I'm CJ-drained so I'll write it as on OOC.

Do the usual meeting between teacher and student, where Kric is all freaked out, etc. She will tell you that there is a package waiting for him with Mrs. Diamante. It just happens to be that she is rich and obsessed with diamonds. ^^;; Kric will find her room, but she won't be there. He goes inside, finds the package, but...since he's nervous and a diamond alchemist, lets say something goes wrong. And then...Mrs. Diamante comes in. Stop there. 800 words minimum.
__________________
[These Guys Will Show You Inescapable Doom]

"Maybe it's the sum of a million coincidences we don't quite control that brings us to a particular place
at a particular time, or maybe it's the choices we make, the actions we take. If there's one thing I've learned in 85 years, it's
that what we want doesn't always matter. But then again, sometimes it's all that does." - Mick St. John



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Old 03-31-2006, 10:49 AM
Angel Angel is a male United Kingdom Angel is offline
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Re: [Awbri] Kric's Training

Ooc: sorry for taking so long to reply, clan issues.

Bic:

At the voice Kric jumped, nearly falling off the marble slab he was laid on. Rapidly looking around, he found who had spoken. A woman was sat in one corner of the room, in a large intricately decorated chair. She was dressed in white and orange, with a large amount of skin showing. Her hair was drawn back into a pony tail, and the hilt of a sword produced from her back.

“You’re a jumpy one,” the woman laughed. She eased herself off the chair and walked up to the alchemist, her eyes studying him with great interest.

“Where’s the campsite, and where am I?” Kric asked shakily, keeping his eyes on the woman’s sword.

“Be still, you don’t have to worry. Your friends were left a note saying you have departed and will be back in due time,” the woman replied.

This situation seems a little weird… the diamond alchemist thought to himself. Watching the woman carefully, Kric kept his gaze fixed on her as she put her left hand down her back, which looked like she was about to draw her sword.

“Aha!” Kric shouted suddenly. Without giving his opponent the benefit of the doubt the alchemist pressed his hands together, and the alchemic symbols on his gloves began to glow. Within mere seconds the marble round the woman’s feet moved at his command, rising up and trapping her legs. With a swift roll Kric was on the other side of the slab, his hand going for his own sword.

“Bad place to mess with an alchemist,” Kric muttered, and jumped back over the slab. The woman hadn’t even attempted to free herself, and was just stood in place with a look of boredom on her face. Raising Wraith to her neck, the alchemist prepared to slit her throat.

“Sheesh, are you always jumpy?” the woman said sarcastically. Without blinking she grabbed Kric with her free left hand and shook him, and with her right she separated Wraith from his grasp. The boy thrashed in her grip trying in vain to free himself, but to no avail. After a while he ceased moving, a look of frustration on his face.

“Calmed down now have we? Would you free me from this marble now, and then we can try and start this ruined introduction again,” the woman sighed. Grunting several curse words at the woman’s attitude, which was so very much like his own, Kric clapped his hands together once more, emitting another patch of light. The marble moved downwards, freeing the woman from her bonds. Smiling, she handed the alchemist back his weapon, who sheathed it immediately.

Ms. Nenet Miniya, your teacher here at the Dome,” the woman said cheerfully, extending her hand towards him.

“Kric Ureon, the Diamond Alchemist,” Kric grunted, shaking Nenet’s hand roughly. She smiled and turned around, heading for the black door set into one of the marble walls.

“A diamond kind of person eh? Looks like you better go see Mrs. Diamante, she will have a package for you, I guarantee you will like it,” the woman said, a hint of mystery in her voice. Upon reaching the door Nenet wrenched it open, gesturing for Kric to enter. Unwillingly the alchemist stepped through the threshold, straight into a pitch black room.

“Why is it so dark?” Kric asked uncertainly. Instead of answering him there was the sound of creaking hinges, and the diamond alchemist turned round to see the door close, trapping him and leaving him in complete darkness. Deciding that he would rather try and find the woman with his package instead of trying to find out why Nenet had closed the door on him, the alchemist clapped his hands together again, and several spires of rock jutted out in the gloom, each coated with a shiny substance that gave off a bright light. Smiling at his own intelligence, Kric slowly made his way down the hallway, every so often making new spires to light his way. After a few minutes the gloom started to fade, and the diamond alchemist was stood in a brightly lit hallway, a dark blue rug underneath his feet. On each side of the hall were door, all inscribed with names, some which Kric couldn’t even read. Taking his time the alchemist scanned each door for Diamante, and after several minutes found the one he was looking for. The door was encrusted with pieces of diamond, the handle and the name plague made entirely of the hard jewel.

“Wow, looks like a fanatic,” Kric grunted, and tapped his knuckles on the plague, making a hollow knocking sound. Several moments passed and no one answered, so he knocked again. Leaning on the wall next to the door, the alchemist began to absent-mindedly play with a small hole in his left sleeve. More time passed and Kric grew impatient, until he couldn’t wait any longer.

“If the package is for me I might as well go in and take it,” the alchemist muttered to himself, trying the door. It didn’t budge, but with a bit of alchemy the lock unsealed, letting Kric enter the room. The first impression as the alchemist entered the room was his diamond obsession was nothing compared to this woman’s. Every single thing in the room had at least ten pieces of diamond embedded into it, even a window that looked out onto a forest. Trying to restrain himself from touching or taking anything, Kric walked forward, looking round for anything parcel shaped. Something caught his eye on the desk in the center of the room, a small package that was the only thing that didn’t have any diamond on it.

Wonder what it is? Kric thought to himself. Seeing his own name scribbled in blue ink on the front confirmed that it was his, and the alchemist picked it up, turning round to head out of the door. But as he was about to put the package in his overcoat pocket, the blue ink, which was just diamond that had been liquidated and used to write with, scratched across the alchemists hand, cutting straight through the glove and into his hand, making Kric yell with pain and drop the package. Clutching his hand, the diamond alchemist didn’t notice what he had done until the parcel hit the floor, a sound of something breaking from inside making him look.

“Oh crud,” Kric moaned, and reached down to pick it up. There was the sound of a door opening and then slamming shut, and before the alchemist could turn to see who it was a hand had him by the scruff of his neck.

“Who might you be?” a voice asked.
__________________


[Vergil] [Caliga]

"O may it be Thy will, my God and the God of my fathers,
not to let me fall into the hands of this angel.”

Last Edited by Angel; 04-13-2006 at 08:05 AM. Reason:
  #7 (permalink)   [ ]
Old 04-12-2006, 03:28 PM
Gracie Gracie is offline
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Re: [Awbri] Kric's Training

Okay Icy, you're doing well. Now we're going to develop your style.

Speaker Tag Choice
Quote:
“Where’s the campsite, and where am I?” Kric said nervously, keeping his eyes on the woman’s sword.
Okay, you say he's nervous. Why don't you use a better word than said? If I were you, I'd only used said in normal convorsations, and occasionally other places. But if he's nervous, express it with the word so you don't NEED the adjective.

Word Variation

Quote:
Watching the woman carefully, he watched as she put her left hand down her back, which looked like she was about to draw her sword.
You already SAID watching! Thesauras' can be very useful sometimes. I suggest you use www.dictionary.com and select the thesaurus. Now, as for the two words...might it sound better if you said "His eyes trailed after the woman carefully, and he watched as she put her left hand down her back, looking like she was about to draw her sword." Gives you a lot more description, ne?

Another issue, here.

Quote:
“Sheesh, are you always jumpy?” the woman said suddenly.
You used suddenly in the previoius dialogue. Also, is she saying Sheesh FLATLY? Or sarcastically? You might want to swap sarcastically for suddenly.

Quote:
After a while he ceased moving, a look of disappointment on his face.
Dissapointment? To me it seems more like he'd be fuming, or frustrated.

Quote:
“Mrs. Nenet Miniya, your teacher here at the Dome,” the woman said cheerfully, extending her hand towards him.
Mrs. is used when the woman is married. Nenet isn't married. In this case, you'd use Ms. or Miss.

Quote:
“Wow, looks like a fanatic,” Kric grunted, and tapped his knuckles on the plague, making a hollow knocking sound.
You say fanatic. Fanatic means 'totally crazy about'. I think you meant fantastic.

Punctuation

Quote:
“A diamond kind of person eh? Looks like you better go see, Mrs. Diamante, she will have a package for you, I guarantee you will like it,” the woman said, a hint of mystery in her voice.
That first comma there isn't needed. If you don't understand why, just ask.

Quote:
“Wonder what it is?” Kric muttered to himself.
This is a tricky one. In literature. Whenever you start a sentence with 'Wonder' or 'I wonder' you NEVER use a question mark. Think of it like this. If you're saying "I wonder what it is?" you're esentially asking yourself if you're wondering what it is. You see? ^^

From now on I want you pay a lot of attention to word usage and editing more than grammar. At this point, grammar should be a habit.
__________________
[These Guys Will Show You Inescapable Doom]

"Maybe it's the sum of a million coincidences we don't quite control that brings us to a particular place
at a particular time, or maybe it's the choices we make, the actions we take. If there's one thing I've learned in 85 years, it's
that what we want doesn't always matter. But then again, sometimes it's all that does." - Mick St. John



  #8 (permalink)   [ ]
Old 04-13-2006, 08:09 AM
Angel Angel is a male United Kingdom Angel is offline
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Re: [Awbri] Kric's Training

Okay, ive edited everything except:

Quote:
You say fanatic. Fanatic means 'totally crazy about'. I think you meant fantastic.
I did actually mean to put fanatic, becuase she's got a lot of diamond on her door, which make Kric think she's crazy about diamonds, since you put in your first teacher post:

Quote:
She's rich and obsessed with diamonds.
Fanatic is just another way of decribing someone who is obsessed with something.
__________________


[Vergil] [Caliga]

"O may it be Thy will, my God and the God of my fathers,
not to let me fall into the hands of this angel.”

  #9 (permalink)   [ ]
Old 04-13-2006, 01:50 PM
Gracie Gracie is offline
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Re: [Awbri] Kric's Training

Hmm. It was a little awkward, but I guess it works.

Next Lesson:

A little description of her-

One of those fat ladies with two chins.

She'll be a bit snobby and protective. Have Kric explain himself, and she decides to let it pass. She'll have him open the package after that, and he will see the shattered peices of something-you come up with it. Stop there.

700 words minimum. I want to see all the description and feeling. Remember, word usage. Focus on style and flow.
__________________
[These Guys Will Show You Inescapable Doom]

"Maybe it's the sum of a million coincidences we don't quite control that brings us to a particular place
at a particular time, or maybe it's the choices we make, the actions we take. If there's one thing I've learned in 85 years, it's
that what we want doesn't always matter. But then again, sometimes it's all that does." - Mick St. John



  #10 (permalink)   [ ]
Old 04-17-2006, 06:34 AM
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Re: [Awbri] Kric's Training

“Let go of me!” Kric yelled, thrashing his body to try and free himself from the person’s grasp. A shrill laughter filled the air, and the hand on the alchemist’s neck relinquished its grip.

“I ask you again, who might you be?” a voice said in a snobbish tone. Turning round, Kric found himself faced with a woman dressed in a dark blue dress, a pair of crescent shaped glasses perched on the end of her nose. But the main feature that sprung at him was the size of the woman. Her dress seemed to be close to ripping at the seams, and everywhere on her body were giant folds of skin, including her neck, which had two extra chins under her real one.

“Answer me, peasant!” the woman shouted, knocking the alchemist from his trance.

“Kric, Kric Ureon, known better as the Diamond Alchemist.” Kric answered, his eyes still watching the folds of her skin ripple as she moved.

“Well, Kric, if that is your real name, I was told you were going to come to my home to pick up a package, but here I find you trying to steal everything that isn’t nailed down!” the woman replied in a mistrustful tone.

“Actually I had been waiting for you for hours, so get your facts straight! I don’t steal diamond, I have my own!” Kric retorted venomously, pulling out a chunk of diamond from his belt. At the sight of the jewel the woman gasped, open jawed.

“That is not yours! That is mine, give it here!” the woman shouted, and jumped at the alchemist. Before Kric could move, the giant mass of flesh collided with him, knocking him into the desk once more. The woman started yelling, scratching at Kric’s face with her diamond tipped nails.

“GET OFF!!!” the alchemist yelled, bringing a fist into the side of the woman’s head. The sudden attack knocked the woman off balance and off of Kric, giving him the chance he needed. Using the piece of diamond, the alchemist scratched a circle into the desk before the woman could continue her attack, and tapped it with his left hand. The circle glowed for a moment, and then a rock spire shot up, coated in diamond from the table.

“Mrs. Diamante, if you ever do that again, I will destroy this place, including your lovely diamond coated home.” Kric grunted, placing the piece of diamond that had caused all the trouble back in his belt. The woman slowly rose from where she had fallen, her face red and her breathing ragged.

“Bloody peasant, don’t think you can threaten me.” she grunted in reply. She stood up and straightened out her dress, tutting as she found a rip, and set her glasses straight.

“Now, take your parcel and leave before I call the Domerii.” Diamante said venomously.

“Um… that’s the thing, I dropped the parcel when you came in.” Kric mumbled, scratching the back of his head as he did.

“Well it’s not my problem that you broke your gift. It took me several days to construct those things with diamond shards, some pieces which I didn’t want to part with, and then you go and break them before you can use them.” The woman replied, rolling her eyes at the alchemist’s stupidity.

“You made it?” Kric asked in disbelief.

“Yes! You think I'm just a posh woman with no skill? I specialize in making things with diamond, im the head of my field!” Diamante laughed, her various skin folds rippling as she did. Grabbing the fallen parcel, she tossed it to Kric, who caught it with one hand. Careful not to cut himself again on the ink, the alchemist began to unwrap it, slowly peeling off the outer layers of brown paper until he caught a glimpse of something that was dark blue. Tearing away the rest of the paper, Kric looked at the remains of something that looked hand shaped, but there were cracks and pieces of it missing.

“It was a liquid diamond glove, the only form where diamond is brittle and can break. If you had worn it, your alchemy skill would have greatly increased, you could have moved mountains of the stuff.” Diamante sighed, shaking her head. Groaning inwardly at his own stupidity, the alchemist wrapped up the broken glove once more.

Ooc: sorry about this, CJ is at very low level. I hope you will do an IC post for my next lesson Drewey.
__________________


[Vergil] [Caliga]

"O may it be Thy will, my God and the God of my fathers,
not to let me fall into the hands of this angel.”

Last Edited by Angel; 04-18-2006 at 10:30 AM. Reason:
  #11 (permalink)   [ ]
Old 04-17-2006, 02:35 PM
Gracie Gracie is offline
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Re: [Awbri] Kric's Training

Alrighty, I can try. V__V (feelin a bit CJless too.)

Quote:
“I ask you again, who might you be.” A voice said in a snobbish tone.
You're asking a question, so there should bed a question mark. Also, a should be decapitalized, and I think you know why.

Quote:
“Answer me peasant!” the woman shouted, knocking the alchemist from his trance.
Whenever adressing someone, always used commas. Therefore, there should be a comma after me. Examples:

Peasant, answer me!
Answer me, peasant, I demand!
Answer me, peasant!

You see?

Quote:
“Bloody peasant, don’t think you can threaten me.” She grunted in reply.
She needs to be decapitalized.

Quote:
“Yes! You think im just a posh woman with no skill? I specialize in making things with diamond, im the head of my field!” Diamante laughed, her various skin folds rippling as she did.
I belive that should be I'm.
__________________
[These Guys Will Show You Inescapable Doom]

"Maybe it's the sum of a million coincidences we don't quite control that brings us to a particular place
at a particular time, or maybe it's the choices we make, the actions we take. If there's one thing I've learned in 85 years, it's
that what we want doesn't always matter. But then again, sometimes it's all that does." - Mick St. John



  #12 (permalink)   [ ]
Old 04-18-2006, 10:01 AM
Angel Angel is a male United Kingdom Angel is offline
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Re: [Awbri] Kric's Training

okay I've edited the things you pointed out.
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Old 04-18-2006, 02:02 PM
Gracie Gracie is offline
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Re: [Awbri] Kric's Training

Kric's face turned the color of beets when he told Nenet his wongdoings, as instructed by the triple-chinned woman. Nenet's smile just spread as wide as a banana as she chuckled. Kric grew furious, thrashing his arms about. "What the hell is so funny!? You confuse me, woman!"

With that, Nenet's expression fell. "I do not appreciate you adressing me in such ways, student." Her eyes were serious, and locked onto Kric's.

"I-I'm sorry." He gulped. "Please, miss, what is so funny?"

Nenet's face lit up again. "Your stupidity. This will prove an interesting first task for you."

"...what!?"

"You're 'gonna have to get on Mrs. Diamante's good side, so she'll craft you another, child."

Kric was on the verge of retaliating and demanding that she not call him such things, but he thought better of it. "Er...what does she...like?"

"Hm....diamonds, diamonds, diamonds....diamonds and diamonds...diamonds, diamonds....oh, she likes cupcakes too."

OoC:

Have fun. *grins evily* 900 word minimum.
__________________
[These Guys Will Show You Inescapable Doom]

"Maybe it's the sum of a million coincidences we don't quite control that brings us to a particular place
at a particular time, or maybe it's the choices we make, the actions we take. If there's one thing I've learned in 85 years, it's
that what we want doesn't always matter. But then again, sometimes it's all that does." - Mick St. John



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Old 04-21-2006, 12:12 PM
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Re: [Awbri] Kric's Training

“So where am I supposed to get cupcakes from?” Kric moaned, rubbing his temple where the stress was starting to build.

“Go to the canteens and ask, Sheila about Mrs. Diamante’s favorite food and she will provide you with several kinds of cupcakes, you have to pick which type you think are her favorite.” Nenet answered. Mumbling that he wouldn’t mind having the glove if it meant he didn’t have to walk around the Dome again, the alchemist left through the door he had come in through, closing it behind him. As soon as it closed he let out a sigh, and turned to walk down the dark corridor again.

Maybe they have noticed my disappearance in the camp by now… Kric thought, guiding himself through the dull glowing spires once more. Shaking his head to focus on his current mission, the diamond alchemist began to look for the door that led to the canteens. Passing Diamante’s room, Kric found himself in now unfamiliar surroundings.

If I get lost then at least I have an excuse for Nenet, as well as Heon…

After ten minutes of stumbling around, the diamond alchemist finally found the canteen. It was a fairly large room, with no doors, so the various smells of food were wafting out into the corridor, making him drool. Remembering why he had come there, Kric entered and looked around. Inside the room were several rectangular tables, with barely anyone sat at them. At the far end of the canteen was a counter with a blue haired woman sat behind it, a nail file in hand.

“Why aren’t you in lessons?” the woman asked as the alchemist neared, not removing her gaze from her nails.

“Are you Sheila?” Kric asked nervously.

“Yes I am, what’s it to you?” Sheila replied.

“Umm… I was told to come and see you about Mrs. Diamante’s favorite food.” The alchemist mumbled, scratching at the back of his head.

“Another student who needs to get on the fat ladies good side.” The woman laughed. Dropping the nail file onto the counter, Sheila pushed herself off against the desk, shooting backwards on her chair until she stopped at a grey cement wall.

“I want the usually fat lady good side platter, Trent, and give them more variety so it’s more of a test.” The woman said casually to the wall, not bothering to look at the expression laid on the alchemists face. Before Kric could ask what was going on, a circular hole appeared in the wall, with a man’s head occupying the space. But instead of normal ears, he had small wings sticking out of his head.

“I syawla evig uoy eht tseb ym raed, dluohs I pils ni emos sesirprus?” the man squawked, his voice high and raspy like a chicken.

“No, we have to keep it fair, if he was given a harder challenge it wouldn’t be right.” Sheila replied.

“Yako, evig em a wef stnemom.” Trent laughed, disappearing from view as the hole closed.

“Okay, who and what was that?” the alchemist asked, thoroughly spooked by Trent.

“He gives meaning to the phrase ‘how the mighty have fallen’. He was once a servant to a pirate king, and he was blessed with wealth and fame, and also his skill in cooking. But his king tangled with forces beyond his comprehension, and the entire crew of his ship were killed in their sleep, all except for the king and Trent. The king was robbed of his legs and his eyes, while Trent’s vocal cords were removed and put back in the wrong way round, thus now he talks backwards, and also two thirds of his blood were replaced with bat blood. Added with a dose of black magic, his appearance changed. You haven’t seen the rest of his body yet.” Sheila replied, slowly sliding back to the counter. Moments later, a dark silver platter appeared on the counter, with ten exotically colored cupcakes laid on it, each giving off its own aroma.

“Thank you Trent!” the woman shouted, and pushed the platter forward.

“Which one is it?” Kric asked uncertainly.

“That is up to you, you can pick which one you think she likes and I’ll give you a bunch of them to take to her. Choose wisely, if you take her the wrong ones she won’t even talk or look at you.” Sheila chuckled. The alchemist studied each of the cupcakes before him, keeping his gaze fixed on one for a few moments before moving it onto another.

What would a fat woman like? Practically anything. No, if she liked anything she wouldn’t mind have rubies or sapphires covering her quarters… Kric thought to himself, and at the memory of diamonds he stopped, knowing which one to pick. Looking again, he found one that was covered in tiny sparkly blue sprinkles.

“Diamond candy, a delicacy where I came from.” the alchemist stated smugly, holding up the cupcake. Sheila smiled, and handed over a small clear cube containing more of the cupcakes.

“Well done, not many people can do what you just did.” The woman replied. Bowing low, the alchemist took the cube and headed out of the canteen.

~

Three knocks echoed through the diamond encrusted door once more, making Verity Diamante look up from the documents on The Diamond Alchemist.

“Who is it?” the large woman shouted.

“Kric Ureon. I have something for you,” the alchemist shouted through the door. Hurriedly stuffing the documents into a side drawer, Diamante shouted for him to enter.

“What do you want? Come to steal another package and break it again? Well for-” she started, but as soon as Kric pulled out the cube she stopped talking, her full attention on the cupcakes.

“I think you will like these, diamond candy, something that I enjoy myself.” Kric stated, resting the cube on the table, and pulled off the cover. Instantly the woman snatched one up, observing it with a close eye.

“Hmm… they smell like the real deal.” Verity muttered to herself, and took a bite out of it. As soon as she began to chew a smile crossed her face, an expression of pure joy following it.

“Thank you my boy! It has been quite a long time since someone like me knew the pleasure of eating diamond in this form.” The woman said happily.

“I was wondering, since your in a happy mood now, would you mind making me another glove?” the alchemist asked, closing his eyes and waiting for the shouting to begin. But instead, the woman just chuckled and opened another side drawer, pulling out an aqua blue glove, several diamonds embedded in the fingertips.

“Here you go, I made another while you were away, just in case you somehow managed to make up for your deeds.” Verity chuckled. Grabbing the glove, the alchemist slid it onto his right hand, the glove fitting perfectly.

“Thank you so much.” Diamante said, starting to eat yet another cupcake. Without waiting for a similar reply from him, the woman stood up and opened a hidden door to her left, and disappeared through it, taking the cube with her. Smiling to himself, Kric flexed his fingers in the glove.

I wonder what I can do with you? the alchemist thought to himself.

ooc: sorry it took so long, hopefully you can do another IC post, I liked the last one you did.
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"O may it be Thy will, my God and the God of my fathers,
not to let me fall into the hands of this angel.”

Last Edited by Angel; 04-29-2006 at 09:27 AM. Reason:
  #15 (permalink)   [ ]
Old 04-25-2006, 06:22 PM
Gracie Gracie is offline
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Re: [Awbri] Kric's Training

'Tis fine. I'm going to point out the sentences with the errors, and you're going to see if you can spot them. Not ALL are gramatical. I'm also going to stick in two that have no problem whatsoever. Copy and paste the two you believe to have no error.

Quote:
“From the canteens, ask Sheila about Mrs. Diamante’s favorite food and she will provide you with several kinds of cupcakes, you have to pick which type you think are her favorite.” Nenet answered.

Wonder what’s happening at the camp?

After ten minutes of stumbling around, the diamond finally found the canteen.

“So where am I supposed to get cupcakes from?” Kric moaned, rubbing his temple where the stress was starting to build.

It was a fairly large room, with no doors, so the various smells were wafting out into the corridor, making him drool.

“Ah, another student who needs to get on the fat ladies good side.”

Three knocks echoed through the diamond encrusted door once more, making Verity Diamante look up from the documents on The Diamond Alchemist.

“I want the usually fat lady good side platter Trent, and give them more variety so it’s more of a test.”

“Diamond candy, a delicacy where I came from.” The alchemist stated smugly, holding up the cupcake.

“Who is it?” the large woman enquired.

"I wonder what I can do with you?" the alchemist said to the glove.
__________________
[These Guys Will Show You Inescapable Doom]

"Maybe it's the sum of a million coincidences we don't quite control that brings us to a particular place
at a particular time, or maybe it's the choices we make, the actions we take. If there's one thing I've learned in 85 years, it's
that what we want doesn't always matter. But then again, sometimes it's all that does." - Mick St. John



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Old 04-26-2006, 07:32 AM
Angel Angel is a male United Kingdom Angel is offline
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Re: [Awbri] Kric's Training

I'm not that sure, but I'm going to go with:

“So where am I supposed to get cupcakes from?” Kric moaned, rubbing his temple where the stress was starting to build.

“Ah, another student who needs to get on the fat ladies good side.”

Are those the correct ones?
__________________


[Vergil] [Caliga]

"O may it be Thy will, my God and the God of my fathers,
not to let me fall into the hands of this angel.”

  #17 (permalink)   [ ]
Old 04-26-2006, 08:04 PM
Gracie Gracie is offline
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Re: [Awbri] Kric's Training

Close.

Three knocks echoed through the diamond encrusted door once more, making Verity Diamante look up from the documents on The Diamond Alchemist.

And

“So where am I supposed to get cupcakes from?” Kric moaned, rubbing his temple where the stress was starting to build.

Now fix the other sentences. (just copy and paste and correct, and I'll tell you if you got them all right.)
__________________
[These Guys Will Show You Inescapable Doom]

"Maybe it's the sum of a million coincidences we don't quite control that brings us to a particular place
at a particular time, or maybe it's the choices we make, the actions we take. If there's one thing I've learned in 85 years, it's
that what we want doesn't always matter. But then again, sometimes it's all that does." - Mick St. John



  #18 (permalink)   [ ]
Old 04-29-2006, 09:28 AM
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Re: [Awbri] Kric's Training

Okay I edited the things you pointed out, is there anything else?
__________________


[Vergil] [Caliga]

"O may it be Thy will, my God and the God of my fathers,
not to let me fall into the hands of this angel.”

  #19 (permalink)   [ ]
Old 04-29-2006, 05:24 PM
Gracie Gracie is offline
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Re: [Awbri] Kric's Training

Er...I was hoping you could copy and paste and fix so I didn't have to go HUNTING for what you fixed...
__________________
[These Guys Will Show You Inescapable Doom]

"Maybe it's the sum of a million coincidences we don't quite control that brings us to a particular place
at a particular time, or maybe it's the choices we make, the actions we take. If there's one thing I've learned in 85 years, it's
that what we want doesn't always matter. But then again, sometimes it's all that does." - Mick St. John



  #20 (permalink)   [ ]
Old 05-24-2006, 09:57 AM
Angel Angel is a male United Kingdom Angel is offline
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Re: [Awbri] Kric's Training

Sorry it took so long, but here they are.

Quote:
“Go to the canteens and ask, Sheila about Mrs. Diamante’s favorite food and she will provide you with several kinds of cupcakes, you have to pick which type you think are her favorite.” Nenet replied.

After ten minutes of stumbling around, the diamond alchemist finally found the canteen.

It was a fairly large room, with no doors, so the various smells of food were wafting out into the corridor, making him drool.

“Another student who needs to get on the fat ladies good side.”

“I want the usually fat lady good side platter, Trent, and give them more variety so it’s more of a test.”

“Diamond candy, a delicacy where I came from.” the alchemist stated smugly, holding up the cupcake.

“Who is it?” the large woman shouted.

I wonder what I can do with you? the alchemist thought to himself.
__________________


[Vergil] [Caliga]

"O may it be Thy will, my God and the God of my fathers,
not to let me fall into the hands of this angel.”

 

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