[Global History 10] My Rough Draft for my essay...

Originally Posted by Essay Directions

Choose two of the economic systems mentioned in the historical context and for each

• Describe the characteristics of the economic system
• Discuss the impact of the economic system on a specific nation or region or on a group of people

I choosed Manorialism and Communism

Rough Draft:

There may be many ways that an economic system can have an impact on a nation or group in a short or long period of time. Like, lets take Manorialism for example. Manorialism was mostly used in medieval times for when you had to have land separated into certain sections for certain classes in a manor. Lets say we have a lord, a church, and serfs. With Manorialism, the land would be split up, into three sections. Not three sections like, “Ok, we have serfs over here, lords land over here, and church land over here”. We have it split up like “We have a strip of land here, and we need to split it horizontally and respectively give parts of the land to lords, serfs, and the church.”. This way, people know which land is theres, and it's more organized. Serfs get their own crops, lords get theirs, etc. There's another thing about manorialism that can effect the economy. Lets say the Lord doesn't want to make his own crops. Sure, he's the lord, why do it himself? So, he hires a fellow serf to do it. He then realizes, he cannot FORCE this man to work for him. That would have the serfs rebel, cause commotion, revolution, all sorts of stuff. So, he makes a simple rule, “To find a man to mow for two days receiving food as above; it is estimated that he can mow 1 ½ acres in 2 days; etc” In simplified terms: You mow the field, you get lots of food. With this theory, the serf works, he gets the lord's field done, gets food, and the lord gets his field done, and relaxes. Everyone wins!

Lets look at another type of economic system. Lets look at . . . Communism! Communism is basically a system of government that is simaler to socialism, but it abolishes private ownership. It mostly has a form of government where all the economic and social activity is controlled by a totalitarian state dominated by a single and self-perpetuating political party. In simplified terms, No class system, No private property, private businesses, and the state owns everything. The best part? The state IS the people. This looks how Post WWII China looked like. What they would say was “All land that is owned by the state, is owned by the people.” This would effect the economy HOW? Well, there would be no more arguments on the land that much. Or it could make more arguments. Depends. This would also let people feel more better with their jobs.

This is supposed to just be somewhat straight to the point, but still long enough to look like an essay...

What do you think? Correct me, please!

It's not bad, but it definitely doesn't cut it as an essay all on its own though. Not only do you need to have a clear, thought-out point you are trying to prove, or at least argue, but you need to find a way to tie your two economic systems together into the same or similar topics within the essay. A really simple topic to do would be something like "Communism is a better economic system than manorialism, as seen in Russia, a country which had both systems. Easy to show, easy to write about (provided you don't dislike Russia), and easy to get a good grade.

Also, step two, make it longer. A basic essay should have an introduction, in which you lay out your basic points, your paragraphs (there should be at least two. In grade 10, three is a good number of paragraphs), in which you explain your points, and your conclusion, in which you tie everything together and wrap it all up with a witty remark or quote for your closing sentence.

Step three, avoid using words like 'like', and avoid using random capatalizations, even if you are trying to emphasize a word. Use italics instead.

Problems with your draft:

#1: There are no sources. You need historical evidence to represent what you are talking about.

#2: It seems like you understand how each system works, and give hypothetical examples, but no historical examples. Yes, China is a communist nation, however why don't you go into details of how China does not necessarily conform to the ideal communism? (For instance, in China there are many people that are richer than others, and most personal freedoms are restricted.)

#3:

Everyone wins!

You are wrong. Only lords and nobles benefited from feudalism, and you provided no evidence as to how a rich lord sitting and eating a feast while serf's broke their backs in the fields while barely feeding themselves is beneficial to anyone but the rich lord, and if it somehow was beneficial, perhaps some historical evidence to support this would help to support your argument. Also, your statement "you get lots of food." is generally untrue and not historically accurate, also never use qualitative arguments in an academic paper. Lots to you, may not be lots to anyone else. Give an example and state an amount.

#4:

Well, there would be no more arguments on the land that much. Or it could make more arguments. Depends. This would also let people feel more better with their jobs.

This section is not correct, there were land arguments in China. In fact, there was a civil war after the last emperor was deposed, which I would consider a rather large land argument involving the entire nation.

Perhaps you should delve into how Taiwan (which was part of China) did not become a communist nation, and how the Chinese communism is becoming more free market and moving away from the ideal communism.


#5

Not three sections like, “Ok, we have serfs over here, lords land over here, and church land over here”.

This section can go entirely, since you will cover it by saying how it was managed. Also, NEVER use "ok" in academic writing.

#6:

This would also let people feel more better with their jobs.

This definitely needs historical evidence, as well as all of your other statements. Get some sources and cite them, or else your paper cannot be considered academically sound, and thus not suitable to turn in. (I cannot stress this enough.)

#7:

Depends.

This is not a sentence.


I think you have a decent rough draft, but you need to do some research to find historical evidence to support your claims. I would also suggest thinking through your conclusions one more time, especially about how feudalism could benefit everyone, and then modify your conclusions accordingly.

I am not saying that you couldn't find some historical evidence that feudalism was beneficial, just that it would be much easier for you to prove it was socially injustice and unequal in the extreme. (Although, feudalism might be better than anarchy.)

I guess you were referring to manorialism, but that is essentially a subset of feudalism. To find more specific examples, for instance nations that practiced the economic policy, I would switch manorialism to feudalism because then you can discuss the Lord's fealty to the king and other things to slightly broaden the topic while still maintaining your conclusions.

For writing academic papers, in general:

-Never use the word "You" or refer to the audience while writing, it implies something about the reader which may make them feel negative.
-Never use words like I, we or us, or any other term used to put the work into first or second person. Only use words like he, she or they, keep the work in third person.
-Don't use conjunctions. Use cannot instead of can't, do not instead of don't.
-ALWAYS cite your sources and have documentation of evidence.
-You need an introduction and a conclusion, your essay has neither.

You do not want to make the essay sound as if you're reading for the pleasures of others. You want to sound informative and to the point. I was told this by my Global 10 teacher. I believe this is a thematic essay. You should have an introduction (separate paragraph), 4-5 sentences. For this particular essay, you should have 2 body paragraphs since you're discussing manorialism and communism. And, of course a conclusion. I think I had this kind of question on last year's exam. I just don't remember what I said. Also, my global teacher said to set up the intro. as if it's like a story, not the rest of the essay. Put dates into the intro., places, and info. and you'll have a good essay in no time.

Sorry, but I'm a bit of a grammar geek, so it's "chose" and not "choosed." Ok, now that's out of the way, your first sentence is a little tentative, meaning it doesn't make a definite statement. Instead of using words like "There may be," or "It could be," try using definite statements, such as "There are" or "It is."

To re-emphasize what Duo said, words that you might use in regular speech, such as, "like," can't be used in academic papers and essays. Also split up contractions, such as "it's, don't," etc. They look better on paper as "it is," and "do not."

I think a good general rule to consider is to write using more formal language. That doesn't mean to use big words, but to use words like "such as," and locator words like "next, following, after," etc. Also, in a paper it's hard to not emphasize words using captial letters or italics, but in general, I would say don't use them in high school papers. Your words should be able to get your point across by themselves.

Here's a paragraph structure you could try:
1. Introduction - Explain what you are going to talk about and what you are trying to prove (Thesis statement).
2. First paragraph - your first "argument" or explanation.
3. Second paragraph - you second "argument" or explanation. Don't forget to use transition sentences between body paragraphs.
4. Third paragraph - This might not be necessary, but you could use this to compare the two arguments and explain your thesis.
5. Conclusion - This is the hardest part for me because all you really need to do is restate your entire argument in a couple sentences. I always thought, 'why can't I just do this in the first place?' but that's the way it goes.

Good luck!