The Luigi Comedy Club

[William]

Well hello there fellow spriters, and let me introduce you to my first SPRITE COMIC

I will archive all the editions here:
Night 1
Night 2
(the comic issues are called "nights" )

Thank you everyone! With your support, I was able to reach about 100 Views on my first issue...and by popular demand, HERE'S NIGHT TWO!



The latest issue!

[=Zack=]

Eh, too text heavy.

[William]

Originally Posted by Smeezette

Eh, too text heavy.

yeah, i agree. but i try my best XD

It'll be better come next issue ^_^

[Solink]

You're goin up far for a beginner, kid. I like the different camera angles.
Well put. Hope there's a second

[William]

Originally Posted by Solink

You're goin up far for a beginner, kid. I like the different camera angles.
Well put. Hope there's a second

thanks a bundle ^_^

the comic took long enough too o_o i scrapped like 5 copies XD

Edit : Feel free to comment everybody, YAY 25 VIEWS!!

[GoldStud]

Emotional rollercoaster wow! I never really laughed except the 'rock on!' which was awesome. Little gramma dude! I liked the nintendo power as well, and I like the visual effect of all the angles, and how you scaled your sprites. 7/10 I'd say, it was a bit text heavy, which would have been fine if all the text was funny rather than bits of chuckle here and there and a lot of reading and searching to find them. But 7/10 is good. 10/10 is incredibly perfect, and you're pretty close to that. 0/10 is dead boring gumball covered in spraypaint and you're really far from that, which is good.

[William]

WOOT! thanks gold stud! i would like to dedicate meh 100th post to u!

[Solink]

Boy, you have just spoken to one of the GODS of spriting.
And the Grandma was pretty funny.

[Lantean]

Sorry, I've been caught up in things, but I shall have that critique you requested up tomorrow. ^_^

Originally Posted by GS

0/10 is dead boring gumball covered in spraypaint and you're really far from that, which is good.

I think he grasps the concept.






Wait. . .

. . .What's so wrong with gumballs covered in spray paint? You haven't lived 'till you've tried one! :XD

[Lurrrre!]

Wooo!
Very good! Its funny and the gandma wooot! though you should invest in speech bubbles aside from that7/10 which is better than a 6/10 which is better than most people!

[William]

Originally Posted by Lurrrre!

Wooo!
Very good! Its funny and the gandma wooot! though you should invest in speech bubbles aside from that7/10 which is better than a 6/10 which is better than most people!

: D thankies a bundle

i have the lines for the new one, and it should be up by the weekend...(school can kill a sprite comic D: )

[Ranil]

lol, hilarious! XD

It's true Luigi doesn't get the attention he deserves. There are a ton of fans who favor him over his brother. I'm one of them. :3

[William]

Originally Posted by Yamari

lol, hilarious! XD

It's true Luigi doesn't get the attention he deserves. There are a ton of fans who favor him over his brother. I'm one of them. :3

: D thanks a lot!

I'll definately post another comic

*salutes fellow luigi fan*

[William]

Sorry for the double post,

The new issue is up!!!

[Lurrrre!]

I like it it's funny and he got rich without nintendo, the catalog was the best part I like these but You really do need some speech bubbles!

[Kilmiz]

i like it, keep it up. better then at least 56% of all sprite comics I have read. and that is saying something. (about 123565432 comics it seems like)

[William]

Originally Posted by Kilmiz

i like it, keep it up. better then at least 56% of all sprite comics I have read. and that is saying something. (about 123565432 comics it seems like)

wow XD seeing as this is my first sprite comic, that means a lot! Thanks and stay tuned!

[Ranil]

I thought the first one was funnier, but this one still made me laugh! Good job!

[William]

Originally Posted by Yamari

I thought the first one was funnier, but this one still made me laugh! Good job!

lol, thanks a bundle *wears luigi cap proudly*

[Lantean]

Alrighty then, here is that critique that you requested and have been patiently waiting for.

My critique of constructive criticism is designed to help one improve. But, at the same time, I won't strip you down in negativity. Also, since this is your first comic, don't be disheartened if you wind up with a bad grade. We all have to start somewhere! ^_^

That being said, here's the review you requested:



Sprites: 8/10

A very well-done usage of sprites! I love how they are positioned, and the angles you made with them! There were only two problems I saw:

1. You had the sprites look too large too often. Since 32 bit sprites look super ugly when they're that large, I suggest you use such a technique sparingly to avoid eyesore. Panels 3, 4, and 7 seemed to use that very well, but the others could have been fine without.

2. Mario magically appears on the ground with no indication that he has fallen, other than him saying so. This is something you should avoid in the future. Lack of animation is a big negative factor that separates sprite comics from other web comics. I suggest that you create a sequence of one to several panel in which Mario is seen falling over. This will help in other areas too, which you will soon see.



Background: 4/10

Ouch. You didn't do too well in this area. Lots and lots of white glare, with the actual background only showing twice.

Tip: It is possible to enlargen the background as well. And if you do that, you won't have panels looking the same, but different chunks of the background. This is a good thing and helps the comic not become boring (on the topic of the colored background) and repetitive.



Special Effects: 6/10

You really didn't have any animation special effects to speak of, so I listed the New Super Mario Bros. reference and the Rockin' G-Ma as special effects.

Tip: Earlier, I was talking about Mario magically appearing on his back. Well, this is where special effects come in. Since I assume you're using Paint, you could draw a few lines with an "OOMF!" sound from Mario as he falls. Then, in a seperate panel, he could have said "Help! I've fallen and I can't get up!"



Text: 6/10

Having colored text all the time is not the way to go. Unless used sparingly, and not all the time like in this case, it becomes a real eyesore. It also appeared very crammed, with the font jumping in different sizes throughout the comic. Well, at least it was readable. That's good.

Tip: Try keeping the font the same size for convenience unless you enlarge it for a good reason (like someone shouting).




Grammar/Spelling: 10/10

Perfect! Well, I didn't find any problems with it anyways. Be sure to remember that spelling and grammar is a crucial element in how much one can enjoy your comic. Good job! ^_^



Punctuation: 9/10

You did a very good job on this as well. Just one thing I wanted to point out though.

1. It is unnecessary to have three exclamations(!!!). If used, it should be sparingly, along the usage of two !!'s. Most of the time, two is more than enough, and three just looks like trash. Sometimes, there's too much of a good thing.




Story: 10/10

I love the whole "Story Time with Uncle Luigi" thing you have going on! I hope you keep up with it. One thing I thought was weird (but didn't mark down for), was why it's called "Luigi's Comedy Club" and not something around the line of "Luigi's Story Time" or something like that. The story's great so far, but doesn't really have anything in relation to the title of "Comedy Club." Ah well. To each, his own.



Balloons: 10/10

For what little balloons there were, they were basic, but I couldn't find anything wrong with them.




Panels: 7/10

I think you could've done better with the panels. Much of the text was crammed.

Tip: Every panel should, most of the time, have bite-size sections of text. That makes reading easier, more entertaining, and more convenient as the reader digests a little at a time from panel to panel instead of having it all shoved down their throats in one. There are ways to get around this, but not in this case. For instance, the first panel could have easily split into two, right after "My brother and I" which is a pause that pretty much cues you to start a new panel. A sprite comic is basically a storyboard. Like a storyboard for a movie. The storyboard is filled with bite-sized pieces that are easier to view and make the flow of the comic a whole lot easier.




Other: 10/10

This comic was nice and clean, in a family-friendly sense, which I appreciate. And for humor. . . I place humor under other because, even though a comic is supposed to be funny when you aim for it to be, people have widely different opinions, so I cram it down in here. Anyways, I really loved the fat (water-filled) Mario! And let's not forget about Rockin' G-Ma! Hilarious! :XD




Overall Score: 80/100

Comic Grade: B


You did very well for a beginner! If you follow the tips I gave you, I promise that you will become ever better. Good job. ^_^

[Hyrule Phoenix]

Awsome dude, loved it, keep 'em coming!

[William]

thanks a lot everyone

and thank you lots extra bilzzaga i love how you take the time to properly review comics for people, and it was greatly appriciated.

Edit : I released the new issue before i saw your review, so sorry if it broke some of your advice :XD

but dw, it will be much better next time shooting for 100%!!!

[GoldStud]

Well, it was pretty good. I liked the style, it was nice. It wasn't really funny, or entertaining. I wouldn't call it a comedy club. But it was relaxing, and I felt warm and fuzzy from reading it. The text rolled smoothly, and you had... good... *bleaugh* grammar (which is Blizzaga's core grading system) (and as important to him as little trivialities as, say, PLOT) and once again I liked the use of real pictures.

Originally Posted by Blizzaga

Background: 4/10

Ouch. You didn't do too well in this area. Lots and lots of white glare, with the actual background only showing twice.

I agree. Listen to this!

And, Einstein, suddenly you give him an 88/100? Do the math. You actually gave him an 80/100 if you add up all the numbers in your review. A B-, almost a C+. Not that I care, but its fun to make fun of you.

[William]

personally...i like 88 better ;P

[William]

(sorry for double post) MUHAHAHA! I FOUND SOMETHING BLIZZ LOOKED OVER!!! "THERE IS NO WAY I CAN AFFORD THAT?!" thats not a question, then why the "?"

i got away with it >:]