[Puck] Avaline's Training

OoC: Yays, training!

BiC: “Murf. I hate Monday mornings,” said Avaline. She slung her backpack over her shoulder. “Flying with something on your back is the worst.”

“Avaline!” yelled her mom. “You had better get going, or you’ll be late for school!”

“It’s ok, mom,” she said. Another reason why I hate Monday mornings.

She went out of her house through the back door and looked for the clearing in the trees. When she properly positioned herself, in a flurry of feathers, she sprouted her wings.

Pain shot through her back. She dropped to the ground, un-sprouting her wings.

BiC: “Ow ow ow,” she groaned. “My backpacks too heavy, damn it.” She adjusted the position of her pack and sprouted wings again.

She jumped in the air, which was quite hard to do with a backpack of that size. (OoC: I think you know how this feels, people.) Flapping her wings furiously, she rose above the trees and glided through the sky towards school.

Halfway there, she met another fellow Angelclaw in the air. Her friend, Max, was an Angelclaw in disguise. Well, so was Avaline, but Max was home schooled.

“Hey Avaline,” said Max. “Do you always fly like that?” He motioned toward her backpack.

“Shut it,” she said. “I’m already late. If I have a conversation in mid-air you know I can’t concentrate on flying.”

“Why do you think I’m here?” He grinned.

“You are such a… whatever. Just get out of here, please. If I’m late then I will seriously hurt you.”

“Is that a challenge?” Max drew his blade.

Avaline sighed. Max might be an idiot, but he was an idiot with a sword. And skills.

Suddenly a gust of wind pierced Avaline’s feathers. Max fell back too, but he didn’t have a fifteen-pound backpack on him.

She flapped her wings hard, but she couldn’t regain her balance in the air. Falling fast, Avaline tucked her wings in like the Angelclaw School taught her to.

Damn it, Max, she thought a split second before she hit the ground. Then she blacked out.

Looking down, Max hovered above the spot where Avaline fell.

“Oops,” he said. Then he made a nosedive for Avaline.

When he alighted on the ground, Avaline was nowhere to be found.

“Odd,” he said. “Well, I guess that means it’s not my fault. Doo dee doo…” Max walked away.

A few hours later, Avaline came to. But she wasn’t where she supposedly had fell. She was in a big metal box. And the box was shaking.

Pulling her gloves and sword from her backpack, she sighed. She was so late for school.

The box tilted sideways. Avaline knew this because she was hurtled to the other side and smashed against the wall.

“Murrrrrf,” she said. “I hate this.” She unsheathed and split her sword.

“Burn,” she said. A sparkle traveled down her left arm and illuminated the red jewels on the Sword of Fire. The room lit up, and when all was normal again there was a glowing red spot on the wall.

“Not good enough,” she muttered. “Freeze.” A sparkle traveled down her right arm and lit up the blue jewel on the Sword of Ice. Again the room brightened, and there was a clattering sound. When the light settled she could see through a hole in the wall. The wall was at an angle to the ground. That meant the entire box was on its corner.

Grabbing her backpack, she leapt out of the box. She was in a field. Out of the corner of her eye she could see a something skitter away from the box. The box fell with a thud into its regular position.

A voice sounded through the sky.

“Well done, Avaline. You have passed your first test.”

The sky materialized, and she saw that she was in yet another room. But this one had a door.

Avaline looked around. “Um…” she hesitated.

“Just go through the freaking door,” said the voice. It sounded exasperated.

“Fine, fine. But I’ll be late for school. No, I am late for school.”

“Whatever, said the voice.

Avaline rolled her eyes. Then she walked towards the door and pushed it open.

OoC: I edited it.

Cramped. I'll do a fool read through after you fix the following things.

1. Do NOT put an OOC tag in the middle of a post.

2. Put a full space between separate pieces of dialog to make it easier to read.

3. Spaces between paragraphs, please.


It's cramped right now, make it easier on my eyes and i'll take another look.

Originally Posted by FireBurd

“Murf. I hate Monday mornings,” said Avaline. She slung her backpack over her shoulder.* “Flying with something on your back is the worst.”

Comma here*

She jumped in the air, which was quite hard to do with a backpack of that size.

She did this, she did that. Try mixing it up, don't be so repetitive.

(OoC: I think you know how this feels, people.)

Feel free to add amusing comments to your post...but don't say OOC, takes one away from the story.

Halfway there, she met another fellow Angelclaw in the air.

Poorly Punctuated. First comma should not exist as it doesn't break from the main sentence thus a pause should not be there. Also using "Another" and "Fellow" together is redundant, both indicate that they share this trait so only one is needed. Unless you are the head of the Department of Redundancy Department.

“Hey Avaline,” said Max. “Do you always fly like that?” He motioned toward her backpack.

Since Max is the only other character in this scene, and the quote is directed at Avaline it is redundant to mention he is the one who said. The reader can figure that much out

“Shut it,” she said. “I’m already late. If I have a conversation in mid-air you know I can’t concentrate on flying.”

Also unneeded.

And skills.

*grumblegrumble*startasentencewithaconjunctionagai nandIswear*grumble* I mean, Please don't start a sentence with a conjunction. Thanks.

“Oops,” he said. Then he made a nosedive for Avaline.

"He said making a noise dive for Avaline" Flows much better. Don't make choppy sentences, make it flooooow~

Max walked away.

Wouldn't he fly away?

A few hours later, Avaline came to

No comma needed.

But she wasn’t where she supposedly had fell. She was in a big metal box. And the box was shaking.

This should all be one sentence...it also shouldn't start with the word but. Fix it.

Pulling her gloves and sword from her backpack, she sighed

No comma, once again. I know it's fun to shotgun commas into prose but use them with caution.

The box tilted sideways. Avaline knew this because she was hurtled to the other side and smashed against the wall.

A little choppy. Do you think this could be done better? Try it out~

That meant the entire box was on its corner.

The reader is not dumb, they can figure this stuff out. Don't sweat the fridge logic.

Grabbing her backpack, she leapt out of the box.

As much as people say it, lept, is not really a word. Use leaped.

She was in a field.

Meh...boring sentence. Five word..you can do better xP

The sky materialized, and she saw that she was in yet another room.* But this one had a door.

No. Comma here* not a period.




Fairly good, though you have a knack to make several short sentences instead of combining them to longer more fluid ones. Think about that for your next assignment; which will be after you fix the above.