[Puck] Hayao's Training

HAYAO A. NAKAKI

The stink of industry coursed through the air and the sky above was blotted by the filthy grey smoke emitted from the factories in the surrounding area.

A turn of the crank and a spin of the turret brought his sight to normal and the small lens of his mask came into place. Hayao surveyed the area; a remote town deep in the heart of the Steampunk Region, an odd location similar to most other towns, but this one seemed different.

Hayao noted his surroundings; the cobblestone streets, and elegant structures, the rooftops studded with towers that poured smog into the open air and defiled purity; just another town in Steampunk, like the countless others that dotted the landscape.

What could this feeling be? Hayao wandered the streets, taking notice of the quiet that grasped the town and its lacking populace.

An outbreak of ghouls perhaps? Hayao contested, considering to call in the elite corps, but disregarded that, surely if there were an outbreak here, the creatures would have amassed and converged upon me, nothing will make them disregard flesh if it were present.

Like Dante through the inferno Hayao continued down this eerie street, but as Dante had Virgil to guide him through the fire Hayao wandered alone, with only his wits and self to accompany him. His movements were rusted and lagging, his machinery heavy and loud as he wandered on, not quite confused but agitated as his trek bore no answers and the streets remained desolate.

Hayao came to a stop abruptly with his attention sparked. His hand moved to the crank of his mask and slowly turned it, the gears creak as the lens changing once more and his sight is magnified so he may understand where it is he has come to, and perhaps fine answers.

A bastion of awe constructed of twisted metal and sturdy stone, the structures exterior gleaming at parts with others covered in grime and filth. The air around seems sulfuric and the flesh tingles as the pollutant smoke engulfs him... he stands in this cloud of disgust, the world around seems lost and the light of the day gone; all that remains is Hayao, Deity of Steampunk, and this strange structure, almost illuminating through the smog and beckoning him forward. What is this place?

Hayao steps forward, intent on discovering the meaning of this tower and braving the unknown as he ventures nearer...

(How was that, I don't know about how many words I got but I hope its enough)

A bit short but I will foprgive this time as you don't have a word counter.However, from now on use this link, Here, to count words if I give limits.

A Fairly good piece however you have quite a few spelling mistakes. Run this through a spell check, then you'll get your first assignment.

Finished, spelling mistakes fixed and bolded...

Also, of it matters I've joined a battle in the BA, if thats goes towards extra credit or something:

Just My Luck (BTM and Candc32)

No extra credit, but I'll be keeping an eye on it.

ASSIGNMENT TIME
Fear? What is fear, where does it come from. Can we ever escape it? These questions linger deep in every heart that knows fear, and indeed every heart knows fear even if they try to hide it. As Hayao enters the dome it is taken over by his own fear. His greatest fear, and one he must try to escape. Clear enough?

ASSIGNMENT ACCEPTED!

Hayao slowly moves forward through the darkness towards the structure looming in the distance.

The lens of his mask are clouded as he finally reaches the steps and begins up them, he uses his hands to navigate the darkness but this does little good as he attempts to navigate through the haze that clouds his path; with nothing more then luck and a basic sense of direction guiding him.

Finally, his hands make contact with what he could only guess is the door leading in; he pushes and the door creaks open and Hayao enters cautiously escaping the smoke and finding sanctuary, or so he believes.

The door snaps shut behind and as his vision returns he observes his surroundings; grim industry with a faint glow of toxicity.

Large catwalks and steel ladders can be seen throughout this odd complex, and no light shines in from outside. Massive vats line the floor below the passageways, and though he cannot see what they hold it emits a glow that makes him know it just isn't safe.

But it is not the environment that has Hayao on edge but rather this strange feeling; a coldness that envelops him and stiffens the joints and even his machinery seems to die as it takes grasp. What is this strange feeling, is it terror, coming death, what could have such an effect on him?

"Fear and death and terror," a voice echoed through the complex, a voice that caught Hayao's attention and brought him to his senses, "things so often associated with a concept of hell and damnation; a fate of fire."

Hayao turned the crank and as the new lens slid into place a figure was caught in his sights; its silhouette took form as Hayao stepped back with his hand reaching for the door but finding it gone.

"But perhaps more fitting is a demise in ice," the figure mocked, "a fate of living death, rendered immobile by the terror that grasps us but leaves us free to watch as death descends upon us as we can offer no resistance and just be taken away."

The figure materializes, and it is one that belongs to a figure very familiar to Hayao.

"So it is I who is your greatest fear," Acid Bath Taigh grins, his disfigured face largely visible but covered in parts by bandages. On his head sits a hardhat with a mounted light upon it; the rest of his clothing is a ruined dark blue jumpsuit, faded through the years but the last evidence of a life before slaughter, when he was a worker in the factories of Steampunk. In his hand he held a nozzle of sorts, with a hose attached leading to canisters strapped to his back; filled with the fluids of his namesake.

"I am flattered you hold me in such regard."

"I have no fear of you!" Hayao exclaimes madly, holding his ground the best he could.

"Oh?" Taigh ponders, "but I do symbolize what is it you fear; you may not fear death, so you may claim but those years ago was it not fear in yours eyes, as the flesh melted from your face and your body condemned to ruin!"

"You fear ruin, not death," He announced with a wicked laughter! "That you may not die but that you shall lose all you have, rendered immobile and faint, blind, deaf, dumb and condemned to the shadows!"

Hayao faltered; he had never done such before. He had to escape but he was unable to find his legs, immobility had grasped him and fear flowed with the blood in his veins; he knew he must escape... but there were only two possibilities to do so.

To find strength and flee, hope to find salvation and a passage home from this wicked place.

Or...

Escape it by destroying this evil; no fleeing would free him from fear but show he face it he can escape the hold he has on him, and give hope should he face it ever again.

Hayao shifted his legs, finding strength, escaping the hold his fear as him... but was he shifting so he may run, or so he might finally face Taigh whom haunted him since those many years ago.

/// /// ///

Fear? What is fear, where does it come from. Can we ever escape it? These questions linger deep in every heart that knows fear, and indeed every heart knows fear even if they try to hide it. As Hayao enters the dome it is taken over by his own fear. His greatest fear, and one he must try to escape. Clear enough?

Perhaps I'm a bit dim, as it was not entirely clear to me and so my ending my be questionable... by the end, Hayao is trying to escape his fear but is conflicted on how do so... The Assignment wished him to try and escape it (not really destroy it) and he has tried to escape it... however escape, may and not mean face it.

I might not be right, and I might get lectured about guessing ahead but I sorta though this would have two parts, one where he attempts to escape the fearm and another where he must face it or something... I was probably wrong so I apologize if thats the case.

Sorry if the ending seems somewhat lackluster.

Originally Posted by BEHIND THE MASK

The lens of his mask are clouded as he finally reaches the steps and begins up them, he uses his hands to navigate the darkness but this does little good as he attempts to navigate through the unknown.

The darkness AND the unknown. Wow, that's a lot of navigation. Srsly though, don't repeat yourelf. Never say anything you've already said...and don't repeat the same distinct word twice in the same sentence.

Finally his hands make contact with what he could only guess is the door leading in; he pushes and the door creaks open and Hayao enters cautiously escaping the smoke and finding sanctuary, or so he believes.

Need a comma here, right after finally. The rest of this sentence has really shaky grammar.

Large catwalks and steel ladders can be seen throughout this odd complex and no light shines in from outside.

need a comma here.

But it is not the environment that has Hayao on edge but rather this strange feeling, a coldness that envelops him and stiffens the joints and even his machinery seems to die as it takes grasp.

A semi colon would work much better here.

Hayao turned the crank, and as the new lens slid into place, a figure was caught in his sights, its silhouette slowly finding focus as Hayao stepped back, his hand reaching for the door but finding it gone.

Tooooooooooooooo many commas for a single sentence. Looks sloppy. Diversify man.

"But perhaps more fitting is a demise in ice," the figure mocked, "a fate of living death, rendered immobile by the terror that grasps us but leaves us free to watch as death descends upon us as we can offer no resistance and just be taken away."

Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I’ve tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To know that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.

The figure materializes, and it is one that belongs to a figure very familiar to Hayao.

Oddly worded.

"I have no fear of you!" Hayao exclaimed madly, holding his ground the best he could.

Exclaims. This post is in present tense so the correct word is exclaims.

"Oh?" Taigh pondered

Same here.

Perhaps I'm a bit dim, as it was not entirely clear to me and so my ending my be questionable... by the end, Hayao is trying to escape his fear but is conflicted on how do so... The Assignment wished him to try and escape it (not really destroy it) and he has tried to escape it... however escape, may and not mean face it.

I might not be right, and I might get lectured about guessing ahead but I sorta though this would have two parts, one where he attempts to escape the fearm and another where he must face it or something... I was probably wrong so I apologize if thats the case.

Sorry if the ending seems somewhat lackluster.

I would never lecture you about your interpretation of an assignment. I left it open to see what you would do, and you did beautifully.

Overall Thoughts: It was good but at times it was repetitive and lacked any real style. Like many others you abuse commas but not as bad as I have seen before. Overall it's good but still very rough around the edges. Make those changes and then come calling, ja?

Finished.

I was somewhat disappointed, though in my defence I was writing two thigns at the same time. This, and the battle for the Arena, though thats now finished (victory!)

For the next assignment I should be able to put full focus into it!

Originally Posted by BEHIND THE MASK

Finished.

I was somewhat disappointed, though in my defence I was writing two thigns at the same time. This, and the battle for the Arena, though thats now finished (victory!)

For the next assignment I should be able to put full focus into it!

*coughcoughcough* xP

-_-_-_-_-

"Enough," A voice danced elegantly through the air as if being tossed along on an invisible breeze. The Dialect was distinctly English: yet contained a harshness that could only have been brought on by years spent in the field of battle.

At the voice beckoning the apparition vanished into thin air; leaving Hayao standing in the middle of a long hallway. Clearly he had been there the whole time...or had he. Sometimes it is easier to not think about the workings of magic.

"A man of masks," The voice shot forward this time. It's elegance was replaced with cold critique, "Their are those who say we all wear masks to hide our themselves. So I wonder if you, wearing a real mask above your metaphorical one are even hiding your fake self? Or perhaps by wearing such a mask you are actually being true to yourself, but don't want anyone to know what you are being true." A Shadow appeared before the deity, or had it been their from the very beginning? At this point it's existence was the only thing that could be certain, "Or maybe you are actually nothing. An illusion wearing a mask to appear real...nothing more then a dream, a whisper, or a tale told by an idiot. Oh but I digress this is not time for philosophical musing, " The Shadow smiled -as if that was even possible- and extended it's hand -once again this is assuming shadows have hands-. "As you are known as Hayao Nakaki, Deity of Tesla I to have a name...and many titles. Those in the eastern part of the Europe of my land tell tales of me in which I am known as a Shadow Rider. In the city of Rio Dejenio on the world of Gia I am called the Shadow God. Throughout Asia and most of the Middle east I am called the Dark One, or Dark Messenger. To my victims I am called the Hand of Gabriel. My allies, adversaries, and Rivals utter my name as Tsuukai Ita, the Master Of Shadows. You however shall call me teacher," The shadow retracted his hand before the Masked lord could reach it -though I doubt he would if given the chance, shadows are not the most comfortable people to shake hands with.

The shadow turned sharply walking through the hall in such a manner it demanded to be followed. Hayao, more out of curiosity than obedience, followed suite keeping a few yards behind the Mystery that was Tsuukai Ita, "Today I shall be kind. Your first assignment shall be naught but a question, are you prepared to answer my query?"

Hayao nodded defiantly, waiting what he expected to be another long winded speech. He was wrong.

"Why?"


---

ASSIGNMENT TIME
Answer the question. That is all.

"Why!" Hayao sneers at the question with thinning patience but remaining cautious of that which he doesn't understand.

"You speak of fools and masks and lands which I've never heard of and yet you bid that I tell you why!" Hayao spouts on as he spirals into a rant and the world around becomes oblivious to the lost deity. "You wish to test me; you know of me and you must be like all the rest!"

"Theres Hayao; he's a mad man, he's insane!" Hayao continues to follow this 'teacher' who offers no reaction to his behavior, "I must be mad, you all question my sanity; what disturbance of the mind bid me to walk down this waiting path that leads me further into this unknown!"

"I know I am mad; and my awareness of the fact is what renders me sane!" He announces vividly through his mask.

"You claim to be my teacher," Hayao shakes his head, "I had a teacher long ago and he was an annoyance; who was he to correct my grammar and insult my accents and mistakes of speech."

Hayao growls, "I am Lord of Tesla and I am above grammar!"

"Is your inquiry of my purpose," he switches subjects with disregard for the fact that this vicious debate is betwixt him and that fool himself.

"The purpose of the divine is to seek enlightenment and find meaning in life; I scoff at that mentality but take the power granted with the position."

Hayao's tone lightens as he reflects on his compatriots; the other three deities whom hold position in a land far from his own.

"Basil seeks peace and lingers in the sins of pleasure; Faruk looks to heavens and justification that in the end the fair are awarded and the evil cast down as justice is true and absolute; Shelly looks to the world and believes all shall find balance with that we already have and not what we award ourselves..."

"But I am different then them," Hayao assures, "my life shall reveal the workings of everything and so I will struggle to find reason and logic and innovation and finally my work shall find me peace as I prosper... I am different then those other fools."

/// /// ///

I tend to rant and so do my characters.

"You never answered the question," The Shadow replied as he opened a large steel door in front of him, "The correct answer was 'because'," Tsuukai motioned towards the room, "Please enter."

----------

ASSIGNMENT TIME
Hayao is to enter the room only to have the door lock behind him. The room itself is large and made completely of steel. Trying to break out of the room will prove useless, just to be clear about that. Hayao will then be attacked by one of Tsuukai's shadows clone; end the post with Hayao about to finish off the shadow.

Hayao decides its better to do as requested rather then argue it and strike the teacher because that wouldn't earn him any good marks on his test and teacher would probably strike him with a ruler.

With cautious steps Hayao passed through the entryway; he looks about the room and find it quite to his suiting.

The room was one of cold steel; Hayao walked deeper in. Suddenly the door slammed shut behind and a click announced the locking mechanism settling in its place.

Hayao bid no mind to it and finding his composure as he had come to expect such odd things in a place like this.

The first strike bore blood and dug deep into the flesh cutting through fabric and tissue and barring deep into Hayao's back. A slight stumble forward, then catching himself from the shock Hayao spun about to face his attacker.

Before him stood his teacher; rather a clone born from the shadows having taken the shape of his 'teacher'.

"You plunder your first strike and expect me to fail," Hayao laughs, "perhaps you expected me to catch such an assault and dodge it; you should have struck more sincerely for my spine is still intact!"

Hayao draws no weapon and upon the end of his speech he spares not a second in going over to the attack; he charges madly towards his foe and lunges!

But his sudden dash bears no glory as his enemy maneuvers out of the Hayao crashes against the steel wall; Hayao recovers immediately and turns back to find the enemy gone.

"Where are you off to you swine!" Hayao hissed as he searches.

The air is doused in crimson as another assault gores him and tears at his gut; Hayao jumps back and strikes madly with no sense to his moves and finding nothing.

"Underhanded dog," Hayao growled as he slowly regained his wits, "I shall not lose so easily for though the flesh is weak I am not!"

The air suddenly comes alive as chains emerge from his flesh and out of his jacket; snapping wildly about they fire off in multiple directions towards the corners of the room setting up like a spider's web. Though finding no where to latch on, the chains remain firm. Those that didn't go off to the walls snap about wildly; Hayao might not be able to keep up with the shadow but to limit his enemies freedom of movement will allow Hayao to find an advantage hopefully.

Hayao scans the room; but it is not sight that bears him fortune rather his chains. Disturbed, they whip out, hook and barbs cut into the enemy whose mistake is dire; Hayao turns to find the enemy ensnarled in these chains.

Quickly, to prevent any escape one final thing must be done; a final chain darts further, its end not being a hook or barb but an unclosed link that snaps shut into the enemies heel and closing around the tendon. Escape may be possible admittedly but not without the cost of an important tendon.

Like a fishing line reeling in its catch; the clone is brought down withering, as the chains continue to envelop him like a snake.

"Alas," Hayao mocks, "I had hoped for more game in you though, you're just a clone so I'd imagine your are just a fraction of your master's self."

Hayao prepares for the finish; not with chains but a more vicious end. From his jacket he withdraws a canister; within it is an acid that would reduce the flesh to a puddle.

"The end beckons my friend!" Hayao mocks triumphantly.

/// /// ///

I didn't know exactly how to portray the shadow clone in battle, so I just went with this... I had hoped to look up your characters profile but couldn't really find it.

Hayao decides its better to do as requested rather then argue it and strike the teacher because that wouldn't earn him any good marks on his test and teacher would probably strike him with a ruler.

Needs a comma desperately. The sentence rambles without stopping and honestly confused me a little.

The first strike bore blood and dug deep into the flesh cutting through fabric and tissue and barring deep into Hayao's back.

This is a complete sentence in itself.

This is not.

What should we do in this situation; you know.

A slight stumble forward, then catching himself from the shock Hayao spun about to face his attacker.

Sentence should start with the word "After" or something similar otherwise it worded very strangely.

But his sudden dash bears no glory as his enemy maneuvers out of the Hayao crashes against the steel wall; Hayao recovers immediately and turns back to find the enemy gone.

out of the...what?

Also that semi-colon should be a period.

Hayao hissed as he searches.

Past tense.

Present tense.

"Underhanded dog," Hayao growled as he slowly regained his wits, "I shall not lose so easily for though the flesh is weak I am not!"

regains. Present tense is annoying to read as it is so ya better do it right xP

Those that didn't go off to the walls snap about wildly; Hayao might not be able to keep up with the shadow but to limit his enemies freedom of movement will allow Hayao to find an advantage hopefully.

Period, semi-colon looks ugly and is quite unneeded.

I didn't know exactly how to portray the shadow clone in battle, so I just went with this... I had hoped to look up your characters profile but couldn't really find it.

I've been meaning to get that for you...sorry xD


Also sorry about the delay, I honestly didn't notice you posted until today. So yeah, fix, reply, yadda yadda yadda.