[Puck] Archon's Training

OoC: Link to character profile is in sig

BiC: Archon could feel it, the soil was loosening up, the sun was rising. He pulled a small amount of the massive energy he had stored from the earth within his diamond core and raised himself up from under the ground. He rose up into a blinding dawn sun that dyed the whole valley an eerie orange. He shook the dirt out of his dreadlocks and strode over to a slowly flowing river. He admired his handiwork, his newly formed face and body were flawless. He was made of the purest white limestone chiseled by magic into a perfect skin for his mythril body. He stood six and a half feet tall, with a perfectly proportioned body. His eyes were made of stunning red rubies that glowed with their own eerie light. Ironic how this cursed prison of a body could be so beautiful.

Twenty long years he has been stuck in this body. Twenty years following every lead, scouring every library in the world, listen to every bard's tale, anything for a hint. Anything to free his soul from this eternal prison. His tireless search has as of yet yielded nothing.

Then again, all he had was time. His own body sat encased in an enchanted ice coffin back at his parents manor back in Etoro. His body hadn't aged since the day he left. His parents now into their late 70's, still await his return.

Archon forded the river with ease, his thoughts drifting back to the task at hand. He had overheard a pair of travelers talking about a mysterious door that leads to a place called 'The Dome'. It supposedly exist in all all realms and even bridges across time. It is as small as it is massive existing in the smallest of spaces but containing limitless volume. It is a gathering place for warriors of a types to meet and hone their skills and where warriors gather stories are told, stories he wants to hear. That and a chance to hone his own skills couldn't hurt.

Archon had been traveling north for sometime when something caught his ruby gaze. A cave nestled in the side for the valley, so conspicuous he almost missed it. It was a very small cave just large enough for him to fit through. In the back was an old wooden door barely seven feet tall and barely enough space for his to squeeze through. with large cast iron handles. All that was on the door was a faded inscription in a tongue he was unfamiliar with. This was it, the door to 'The Dome'.

He hesitated for a moment, if 'The Dome' was indeed the limitless realm of old travelers tales, how would he return. What was to say he wouldn't attempt to leave and be thrown out in another world. Lost forever from this world and sent to wander throughout the great ether. He would take his chances, the benefits far outweigh the risk.

Archon grabbed hold of the cast iron handles and pulled....

Archon could feel it, the soil was loosening up, the sun was rising.

Incomplete sentence.

He rose up into a blinding dawn sun that dyed the whole valley an eerie orange. He shook the dirt out of his dreadlocks and strode over to a slowly flowing river. He admired his handiwork, his newly formed face and body were flawless. He was made of the purest white limestone chiseled by magic into a perfect skin for his mythril body. He stood six and a half feet tall, with a perfectly proportioned body. His eyes were made of stunning red rubies that glowed with their own eerie light. Ironic how this cursed prison of a body could be so beautiful.

Nearly every sentence here starts with "He" or "His", this problem persists throughout the rest of the post making it repetitive and hard to read.

Anything to free his soul from this eternal prison.

His

In complete sentence.

His own body sat encased in an enchanted ice coffin back at his parents manor back in Etoro.

back twice in like five words...Try rewording like this "His own body sat encased in an enchanted ice coffin back as his parents manor in Etoro" Same basic thing but less repetitive.

His body hadn't aged since the day he left. His parents, now into their late 70's, still await his return.

Added a comma.

Archon forded the river with ease, his thoughts drifting back to the task at hand. He had overheard a pair of travelers talking about a mysterious door that leads to a place called 'The Dome'. It supposedly exist in all all realms and even bridges across time. It is as small as it is massive existing in the smallest of spaces but containing limitless volume. It is a gathering place for warriors of a types to meet and hone their skills and where warriors gather stories are told, stories he wants to hear. That and a chance to hone his own skills couldn't hurt.

A cave nestled in the side for the valley, so conspicuous he almost missed it

Comma Splice.

In the back was an old wooden door barely seven feet tall and barely enough space for his to squeeze through.

Repetitiveness again, please reword =D

with large cast iron handles.

Incomplete sentence.





Good good good. Fix those problems and post here...then you shall get your assignment. Kay =3