(Puck) Faites Training.

Assignment 1:

The desert... why had Faite decided that he wanted to go to the desert? Oh yeah... he thought he might find the legendary school called the Dome. Many people had said that the dome existed, but then again, many people lied. Especially when they have an axe in their face threatening to cut it off. "You know... I really don't know why I'm even looking for this dome, as there is only one person who is really a match for me," the dragon clad dwarf said, thinking back to all those years ago, "Damn, I wish I had some water."

Faite was surprised when he crested over the next hill of sand to find himself standing at the edge of a vast oasis. Thinking it to be a mirage, Faite casually walked right over it, or at least... he attempted to, He fell into the water, and came up sputering. "Water!" Faite exclaimed. Faite waded back to shore, stripped down to his bare skin, and plunged into the cool, crisp water. The dwarf hadn't felt anything so good in his life! Faite scrubbed the grime from his body, he had been out here for weeks, and was extremely filthy.

"Almost there," a voice stated inside Faite's head.

"Whos there?" Faite asked aloud.

"You know me, yet you don't. Or atleast you pretend not to."

The voice seemed to be coming from inside of Faite's head. Faite dived into the water, and began to look around.

"Nope," The voice stated in the naked dwarf's head.

"Odd... It seems that the voice is amplified from underwater... damnit! I wish I had learned to trace this sort of magic. "Faite thought.

We've killed our foes.
Built them their graves.
Chased goblins 'n' orcs into
Shallow caves
This day our works just begun
In the land where evil's won.

Faite gasped in horror, only one person in all the realms knew of that song he had composed. The dwarf surfaced, and quickly scrambled to get his armor back on. After he had all of it on, he shouted to the sky, "Anoen! Show yourself!"

"Not yet, my little plaything, not until you're ready. Until then,lets see if you can bathe in this! The voice laughed maniacally. Suddenly, the water began to glow a bright blue, so bright, infact, that Faite had to shut his eyes. Even then he had to turn his head away just to avoid its' brightness.

When the bright light finally went away, Faite gazed at the oasis, or rather where it had been, because now, there loomed a small puddle.

"Damn you Anoen." Faite grumbled, Luckily, he had drank enough water to keep him going for a few days. As he started to walk away, he noticed that it was starting to get darker, "Damnit... it's about to get real cold.... I hate cold." Faite preceded to chop down a dead cactus, using his axe. Faite carried the dead cactus with him.

As soon as it started to get cold, Faite lit the cactus on fire using some flint and tender he brought with him. Faite curled up next to the fire and fell asleep. He was soon awakened by a loud noise, as he sat up in bed, he saw a rather large building standing in front of him. Could it be? Had Faite finally made it to the dome?

(I think this is over 500 words.)

Especially when they have an axe in their face threatening to cut it off.

I am not sure what you are saying here.

"You know... I really don't know why I'm even looking for this dome, as there is only one person who is really a match for me," the dragon clad dwarf said, thinking back to all those years ago, "Damn, I wish I had some water."

I put two commas in there. Remember when doing quotes it goes like this; "Text," text. This; Text, "Text". or this: "Text," Text, "Text." Got it? =3

Thinking it to be a mirrage, Faite casually walked right over it, or atleast... attempted to, He fell into the watter, and came up sputtering.

Three misspelled words here. Find them if you can =D

"Water!" Faite said elated.

Elated was not needed, I could guess as much.

Faite waded back to shore, and stripped down to his bare skin, and plunged into the cool, crisp water.

This could have been worded better, to many ands in a row. Fix eit =3

"Almost there." a voice stated inside Faite's head.

Need a comma.

"Nope." The voice stated in the naked dwarf's head.

Comma.

"Not yet, my little plaything, not untill your ready, untill then,lets see if you can bathe in this! The voice laughed maniacally. Suddenly, the water began to glow a bright blue, so bright, infact, that Faite had to shut his eyes. Even then he had to turn his head away just to avoid its' brightness.

Three misspelled words...

Faite grumbled, Luckilly, he had drank enough water to keep him going for a few days, as he started to walk away, he noticed that it was starting to get darker,

You actually have two sentences here, either conjoin them at the bold comma or make it into two sentences.

Faite proceded to chop down a dead cactus, using his axe.

No comma needed.

Faite carried the dead cactus with him, using his gloves to hold it.

Why was that important?

HE was soon awakened by a loud noise, as he sat up in bed, he saw a rather large building standing infront of him. Could it be? Had faite finally made it to the dome?

In front is two words.



Okay make those changes and post once that has been completed.

Okay... I belive that I have fixed them all.

Sorry for the wait. Without any further adieu

ASSIGNMENT TIME!

Simple enough this time, you are to have Faite arrive at the front door to find a Student of the Dome waiting for him. Describe this character however you would like but make it original, please. Then have the character show Faite to his teachers room(Kaze) end the post with Faite and your NPC about to enter Kaze's room. Here are your stipulations: it must be between 800-1000 words and it must have no more than five commas. Enjoy.

Five commas?!?! Yikes! My Daialogue has more than five commas in it!!!

Im going to start this... NOW!

Hmmmm...Oh yes slight change to the assignment. Only five comma's excluding ones used in Dialogue as they are obligatory.

Originally posted by Puck ASSIGNMENT TIME!


Simple enough this time, you are to have Faite arrive at the front door to find a Student of the Dome waiting for him. Describe this character however you would like but make it original, please. Then have the character show Faite to his teachers room(Kaze) end the post with Faite and your NPC about to enter Kaze's room. Here are your stipulations: it must be between 800-1000 words and it must have no more than five comma's excluding ones used in dialog as they are obligatory.[

I'M just going to try something a bit different here... note that I copy pasted some information about your two teachers so far... note that underlined in italics is the same way you would use Italics if you didn't like something, or someone.

Bic:

As Faite opened the dome doors he could immediately tell it was nowhere near what he had imagined. The doors were only about Five feet tall, however the inside of it was larger than even the largest castle Faite had been in (and that was quite allot) .

"Ummm... Hello? Is anyone here?"

Only if you ask nicely. stated another voice, friendlier than Anoens. Faite looked around, and saw one of the strangest creatures he had ever seen. From the waist on up it looked like one of the most beautiful women Faite had seen. From the waist down It turned into a horse.

" A... centaur," Faite said in awe.

Aye... I will be sending you to the instructor of your choice. You have two options based on the way you got here, and the skills you used. Your choices are...

[

"Ummm.... I choose Tsuukai Ita." Faite said, thinking that would help him better than some lazy-genius-jerk that used more magic than his own axe.

Too bad! His class is full. Looks like Kaze is your choice! The centaur looked as though it were trying hard not to laugh.

"I never really did have a choice, did I?" Faite asked.

Nope.

"Then why'd you ask me which teacher I wanted?" Faite asked, clearly befuddled by this.

As a test, my job is to see which teacher the student wants, and then I place him in their corresponding teachers room. You chose Ita, so you get Kaze. If you wanted Kaze, you should have picked Ita..

"Can I try the test again?" Faite asked.

Of Course! After all... the main reason your at the dome is so you can learn from mistakes. But rules are rules, I must repeat what I said earlier.

I will be sending you to the instructor of your choice. You have two options based on the way you got here, and the skills you used. Your choices are...

Tsuukai Ita, Tsuukai Ita is a Blood Knight-He lives to battle, and battle alone-. He is harsh and unforgiving and will only train students as a way to amuse himself between epic adventures to heaven or random sword fights in the middle of Volcanoes. Don't get on his nerves or you probably won't wake up with your head.

Kaze, The Grand Archmage of Wind, he did not get that title by chance. He is a genius but also can be a lazy jerk. He dislikes fighting and has an annoying sense of humor.



"I chose Kaze!" Faite said, almost before the centaur had finished speaking.

Very well... Follow me to Kaze's room.

"But I thought you said that I could take the test over again!" Faite complained.

First rule of the dome... there are NO do- overs.

"Then Why'd you say I could take the test over again?" Faite asked.

Because you can... it just doesn't matter who you chose the second time, because we already have the real results from the first test. You can take the test again, But it will still have the same effects as the second one.

"So... why can't I have Ita as my teacher?"

You really are dense aren't you, Faite? I've told you this quite a few times now. You can't have Ita as your teacher because you CHOSE him. I put you in the teachers class that you didn't choose. The dome makes you think you'll like one teacher because he fits your style better, that... and Ita's class is full. As to where Kaze rarely gets any students. I'm actually surprised that the dome chose you to go to Kaze, as I thought you would go to Ita's class myself.

"Stupid dome magic." Faite mumbled under his breath.

Once your aware of one of the dome's magics, it can't be used on you ever again. The centaur said to the dragon-mail clad dwarf.

"Really?" asked Faite, thinking that this would help him better against Magic users that he faced.

No... I thought I'd give you something to think about for a while. The centaur finally broke out into a laugh. It sounded like jingling bells tinkling on crystals.

Well.... look at that! We're here! This is where I take my leave, your teacher is just behind this door.

Faite closed his eyes and opened the door.

Originally Posted by Jeaulm

As Faite opened the dome doors, he could immediatly tell it was nowhere near what he had imagined.

Comma Splice.

The doors were only about Five feet tall, yet the inside of it was larger than even the largest castle Faite had been in (and that was quite alot) .

Run on sentence.

"Ummm... Hello? Is anyone here?" Faite asked.

I know he asked. That's what the question mark is for. No need to re-state things.

From te waist on up it looked like one of the most beautifle women Faite had seen. From the waist down It turned into a horse.

*cough cough*

"Ummm.... I choose Tsuukai Ita." Faite said, thinking that would help him better than some lazy genius jerk that used more magic than his own axe.

lazy-genius-jerk actually.

As a test, my job is to see which teacher the student wants, and then I place him in their coresponding teachers room. You chose Ita, so you get Kaze. If you wanted Kaze, you should have picked Ita..

*cough*

"So... why can't I have Ita as my teacher?" Faite asked as they were walking.

Not needed.

"Stupid dome magic." Faite mumbled under his breath.

You know, for the amount of times you use un-neded commas you missed one here where it is actually needed.

No... I thought I'd give you something to think about for a while. The centaur finally broke out into a laugh. It sounded like jingeling bells tinkeling on crystals.

*Cough Cough*



Reading through this I realize your two biggest problems are Saying to little in to many words, and your flagrant abuse for commas. Fix these errors as i ponder your next assignment.

B
U
M
P
edited mistakes, and used the spell check program.

ASSIGNMENT TIME
Kaze's room is usually a large field however when Faite open the door he does so to a huge volcano throwing chunks of rocks his way. Further more the door he entered through has disappeared. At the top of the mountain Faite should be about to see the vague outline of a person, and will climb the mountain, thinking it's Kaze. Clear enough? No limits this time.

One thing you should know, Faite, Kaze's room is usually a field where he and his student can get to work immediately. But as of late...He has been getting more and more testy of his students...br prepared for anything.

"Thanks for the warning," Faite said, not quite sure what the centaur was hinting at.

No problem.. all the new students need all the help they can get.

As Faite opened the door, he braced himself expecting something cold. The dome seemed to know so much about him, he was sure that it would use the climate he was most unaccustomed to. Much to his surprise, he found himself standing at the foot of a volcano, much like the one he had lived on in his younger years. "Seems like it doesn't Know as much about me as I thought it did." Faite said, grinning.

Faite eyed the volcano in front of him carefully, discerning the best way up it. At the top of the volcano, he spied a figure. "I suppose that would be Kaze... well, no since in dallying here at the bottom when my teacher's at the top! "

Faite charged at the volcano, and began climbing up the path he had discerned, clearing the half way mark in about two hours. "This is slightly boring." Faite complained aloud. all of a sudden, he felt the volcano begin to rattle and shake, almost knocking him from his precarious perch. Then, the lava began to flow.

"Ahh... much more interesting!" Faite exclaimed, pulling himself up-wards, leaping from one rock to the next. Slowly, but surely, he was making his way up the volcano, when he came to a rather large gap. To his left there was rather large rock, probably large enough to close the gap. Faite tried to move it, but the rock just wouldn't budge.

"Damn... I'm gonna have to use some elbow grease." Faite said.He began to do something that he had only done once before. He began to channel the magical Fire that was burning in him, and began feeding it into the head of his axe. This was how Faite would normally conjure up a rather large fireball, but He wasn't planning on a fireball. "The axe head was glowing now, a dull blue.

"Not enough," Faite yelled to himself, "Give it more power!" The head was now glowing a bright orange. "Almost! Just a little bit more!" Faite gave it everything he had,and finally brought the head to a shimmering white. He swung with all of his might, cutting through the stone like it was butter. The stone fell into place, setteling straight into the gap, almost as if He was supposed to use it for a walkway. no sooner had it settled down tat lava began to spout from where he had cut the rock. Faite looked up, and realised that he was almost at the top. He quickly raced across the gap, and climbed the rest of the way to the top.

"Hello, Kaze."

Originally Posted by Jeaulm

"Thanks for the warning." Faite said, not quite sure what the centaur was hinting at.

Should be a comma here.

As Faite opened the door, he braced himself, expecting something cold.

Too many comma's.

Much to his surprise, he found himself standing at the foot of a volcano, much like the one he had lived on in his younger years.

Please try to cut down on repetition. When I notice the same word being used in short succession it really takes me away from the piece.

"Seems like it doesn't Know as much about me as I thought it did." Faite said, grinning.

Much again...

You need a comma after a piece of dialogue followed by descriptors, not a period.

At the top of the volcano, he spied a figure.

No. This is a single sentences. It has one subject, one predicate, and a complete thought so your comma is superfluous.

"I suppose that would be Kaze... well, no since in dallying here at the bottom when my teacher's at the top! "

Sense

While

"This is slightly boring." Faite complained aloud.

Two things. First; Their should be a comma here. Secondly; I already know he's complaining, and I already know he's saying it aloud so you didn't need to tell me that. When writing try not to repeat the same thing twice as it's distracting to the reader and only serves to occupy space.

all of a sudden, he felt the volcano begin to rattle and shake, almost knocking him from his precarious perch.

CAPITALS! ARRRRRRRGGGGGH!

Also the punctuation should be as follows, "All of a sudden he felt the volcano begin to rattle, and shake; almost knocking him from his precious perch."

Faite exclaimed, pulling himself up-wards, leaping from one rock to the next.

Comma splice, remove the comma or add a conjunction.

"Damn... I'm gonna have to use some elbow grease." Faite said.He began to do something that he had only done once before.

Remove the period here, and add a space after this period.

This was how Faite would normally conjure up a rather large fireball, but He wasn't planning on a fireball. "The axe head was glowing now, a dull blue.

I bolded the things that make no sense. Also, that last sentence is poorly worded try something like "His axe head was now glowing in a dull blue light




That's all for now, a few spelling errors here and there. Fix it up and I'll we'll take another look.

Yeah... the last sentance you were talking about... the axe head itself was actually glowing.

Edited.

Yes it was glowing...that's what I said. Duuuuuuuuur, I just said it prettier.

---------

"Hello?" Kaze said, opening on eye halfway. The every eccentric Kaze was lying down atop a large rock near the crest of the mountain. With his eyes closed one could almost think he was asleep despite the constant rumblings the mountain emitted, and the putrid phosphorous that littered the air. Pushing himself into a sitting position with his left hand, the blond haired mage took a deep look at the strange person in front of him. Cocking his head he continued, "I'm sorry who are you?"

"I'm-"

"Squeak," A small voice said from behind Kaze.

"Oh yes, thank you Fenrir," Kaze's bear right hand shot back, picking up a small white rat, and placing it on his shoulder. The small rodent rolled into a ball calmly on the Mage's shoulder, it's red eyes piercing menacingly at the student, "You must be my newest student. I would introduce myself but it seem you are aware of who I am."

"Squeak,"

"Yes you're right Fenrir, this is hardly a place for training." Like something out of an acid trip the mountain started to melt away beneath them-spare the rock Kaze was laying on, and the place where Faite stood-. The ground dissolved into a flat grassy land before exploding upwards into a dense wood spreading out for miles in all directions, "They say a forest is the same in all directions. Yes, standing here some trees look closer then others with perhaps different moss patterns but continue along in any direction and you will see everything begin to turn into one."

Suddenly, Fenrir shot forward; it's white body losing itself in the dense thicket. "Please go find my rat,"

----

ASSIGNMENT TIME
You should already know the task by now, please got look for Kaze's rat Fenrir. The Forrest is dense, wild, and most of all is completely controlled by Kaze. End iot with him finding the rat. 700 word min.