[Puck] Aiko's Trainning

Beyond the World's Edge

"To follow the sun, the light, is nothing but going forward and then back to where you came from for all eternity."

Random Demon that thinks he could be a poet some day

The grassland is a place between the Southern and Western Kingdoms in the Demon Realm, the inhabited only by some birds that usually aren’t seen on the ground.

Aiko walked for fifteen minutes until she found herself in front of a huge blackwood door that stood there like a tumor in the emerald grasslands.

Aiko walked around the door to see what had behind it, she was surprised to see that once she crossed the border of the door, it simply disappeared, she went back to the front of the door and there it was, walked back to it's "back" and nothing, all she could see was the grasslands.

She tried to walk back to the front of the door through the place where the back of the door was supposed to be, while she was crossing, she could hear the moans of many, many people or creatures.

Scared with the moans she cried for Yori.

The black bird simply appeared on Aiko's right shoulder, it was actually like he had always been there and Aiko just noticed now with his red eyes lighting the right side of her face.

Aiko tried to say something, but she was a bit scared with the things that just happened to her. Pulling strength left from her body she said with a really low and stuttering voice

"Mr... Mister Yori... can y-you tell me what this door is? ... Please"

The bird seemed a little pleased by the fear in the girl's voice, he looked right into her eyes and a lot of images started to appear in the little girl mind, a door, a lock, a key, a girl, a dark room, a seal, after this images Aiko could hear her own voice in her head that said "The Dome".

She looked to her right shoulder and surprisingly Yori wasn't there anymore, but there was something in her hand, a key.

Aiko slowly put the key in the lock, took a deep breath, and then turned the key to the right, the door opened without Aiko having to do anything but turn the key. A strong wind came from the inside and it sucked Aiko to the dark that was inside the door.

________________________

The Dome

"Nothing is more stupid than ask someone to be taught how to fight, to be taught how to die..."

367th Footman of the Great Legion of Demons from the Dark South

When Aiko woke up she was in a dark room with rock walls and a small hole in the ceiling, from this hole a pure white light tried to bring life in the dark creepy room. On the opposite side to where Aiko was there was another blackwood door, but this time attached to stone wall, on the superior part of the door could be read "Tormented Girl" she slowly moved to this other, so then she remembered the door that she came from and looked back, she wasn't surprised at all to find just the stone wall in the place that was supposed to be the door she opened to get into the Dome. She looked back to the door in the room and decided to open it, when her little hands were about to touch the door handle...

[

The grasslands is a place between the Southern and Western Kingdoms in the Demon Realm, there lives nothing, except some birds that fly high in the sky, but where Aiko was it couldn't be seen any bird around.

This particular sentence lacks structure. A Sentence should have a subject a predicate and a complete thought, and currently I am not sure if you have any.

Aiko walked for 15 minutes until she found herself in front of a huge blackwood door, it simply stood there like a tumor in the emerald green grasslands.

Two things:

The number Fifteen should be spelled out unless spelling it out takes more than three words.

Also this could be structered better. Their is no need for a comma as it takes away from the point of the sentence. Try setting it up like this "...she found herself in front of a huge blackwood door that stood there like a tumor in the emerald grasslands" it flows much nicer and doesn't have that ugly break mid-thought

Aiko walked around the door to see what had behind it, she was surprised to see that once she crossed the border of the door, it simply disappeared, she went back to the front of the door and there it was, walked back to it's "back" and nothing, all she could see was the grasslands, she tried to walk back to the front of the door through the place where the back of the door was supposed to be, while she was crossing, she could hear the moans of many, many people, she got scared and cried Yori's name.

To many commas @_@ Split this sentence up to at least three as their is more than one complete thought here.

The black bird simply appeared on Aiko's right shoulder, it was actually like he had always been there and Aiko just noticed now with his red eyes lighting the right side of her face. It wasn't that, Aiko really "summoned" Yori, the bird seemed to be mad for being called by the little girl, Aiko tried to say something, but she was a bit scared with the things that just happened to her, she said with a really low and stuttering voice:

To many contradictions about the black bird, simply appeared could have worked and we the reader could have deduced the rest. Also the bold part is a complete sentence by itself so you have committed a comma splice, add a period of something conjoining the two sentences into one.

― Mr... Mister Yori... can y-you tell me what this door is? ... Please?

Please use quotations. I mean seriously use quotations, okay? Start with one "Like this, then end with one," like that. Please it makes it so much easier to read.

The bird seemed a little pleased by the fear in Aiko's voice, he looked right into Aiko's eyes and a lot of images started to appear in the little girl mind, a door, a lock, a key, a girl, a dark room, a seal, after this images Aiko could hear her own voice in her head, it said "The Dome".

Another comma splice. Also try using different words when referring to Aiko, it looks annoying when you keep repeating her name. For Example my Character Kaze I often refer to as "The blond haired mage, The grand Archmage, The Archmage of Wind, The Wind Mage, and The Bright Coloured Stranger" something like that to you know, change things up.

Aiko looked to her right shoulder and surprisingly Yori wasn't there anymore, but there was something in her hand, a key, and obviously this key was meant to be used on the black door.

If it's obvious don't tell me. I can figure it out. Show don't tell.

Aiko slowly put the key in the lock, took a deep breath, and then turned the key to the right. The door opened without Aiko having to do anything but turn the key, a strong wind came from the inside and it sucked Aiko to the dark that was inside the door.

It edited an "and" here as it is the end of a series of events. Also after that their should be a period not a comma so I took that liberty as well.

The bold part is another comma splice, a period before this part OR something connecting the two sentences.

And so Aiko and Hibiki started to move around looking for someone that could help them to find a "teacher".

What happened to the door?

In any case make those changes as well as turning all spoken words to quotes. Post back when that is completed and I will have another look, kay?

kay, mister
I updated it (now that I’m reading it, I think I was high when I wrote that lol)
Sorry for the delay, I completely forgot about it (u_u)
I promise to take this more serious

Jeeze...Mister...You make me sound old and uptight xD

Assignment time

When Aiko goes to open the door the door will open and a disembodied voice will call out, telling her to find room 1113B. Have her try to find the room and get lost, have it end by her asking a student for help but only to have the student suddenly attack her. 700 word Maximum.

The Dome – part 2

“A land infected with hordes of dipshits…”

The Black Witch

She was almost touching the door handle when it started to move on its own, that surprised her, but nothing compared to what happened next.

Coming from every direction a voice whispered in the dark room she was in.

“Miss Aiko… Hehehe, it is such a pleasure to have a new student here… However to start your training you must come to the room 1113B, I’ll be waiting for you…”

The voice echoed on Aiko’s mind for some seconds and when it was gone, the door opened revealing the Dome.

People and creatures walked around a large round white hall. They were speaking different languages and some of them even fighting each other. All that seemed so crazy for the little girl’s mind.

She ran to the closest door and entered it, hoping to find a place to meditate about what she just saw. Behind that door another huge round hall waited for the girl.

All that madness… She couldn’t hold her conscience for much longer, she fell on her knees, she was about to faint when a cold hand touched her right shoulder from behind. She turned her head to see who was it and was surprised when she found out who it was.

Some kind of humanoid wolf was the source of the hand on her shoulder. Aiko screamed and ran to the closest door, however the little girl fainted before she could see what was behind the door that she just opened.

Some minutes later she woke up, a little calmer now, she walked to a person that seemed ‘normal’. With her low childish voice she asked.

“I-I’m sorry, mister, but could you help me please? I…”

Before she could continue the person’s eyes turned red and he said

“You! So you are my next challenge? Haha pathetic…”

The weird man drew a weird blue sword and was about to attack Aiko when…

OoC: it looks horrible... But I had some kind of Writes Block

She was almost touching the door handle when it started to move on its own, that surprised her, but soon a scarier thing happened.

This may be a personal thing but that statement just bugs me.

Coming from every direction a voice whispered in the dark room she was.

She was...what? I think you're missing a word here.

The voice echoed on Aiko’s mind for some seconds and when it was gone the door opened revealing the Dome.

There are two sentences here. I split them up, now it's your turn xP

But behind this door another huge round hall waited for the girl.

You shouldn't start a sentence with a conjunction.

She couldn’t hold her conscience for much longer, she fell on her knees and she was about to faint when a cold hand touched her right shoulder from behind.

Missing a comma.

She turned her head to see who was it and was surprised when she found out who it was.

A bit repetitive. A style thing here, but try not to repeat yourself to much.

Aiko screamed and ran away from it, opening the closest door and fainting before she could see what was behind it.

Comma Splice. Should be a Semi-Colon or Colon. Would make it look pretty too =3


Fix that than post. Mmmkay?

k maestro, I updated my thread, however I feel that there are still some errors, especially in the sentences I changed completely instead of adding commas :3

You mean instead of adding comma's incorrectly, right?

ASSIGNMENT TIME
It's time for a fight. Have the strange battle Aiko in what should be a very short battle. After the battle give the student a reason for attacking, and then lead Aiko to her teachers door. That is all for now.

Friend

“Sorrow and Revenge”

The Witch’s Curse

Aiko could hear her own voice talking to her in her mind. However, the voice seemed to be happy the voice had the same sound of someone that speak smiling. For a few seconds it was as if time stopped and all that Aiko could do was hear her own voice talking to her.

“Pretty girl, I finally managed to find you, my dear. Let me introduce myself, I’m…”

Before the voice could say its name, the stranger who was about to attack Aiko shouted.

“Lightning Dog! Show her your blue fire!”

The stranger’s sword started to glow with a blue ghost like light. The stranger looked towards Aiko; holding his sword behind his back as if charging a strange attack.

What happened next was very quick, the stranger was about to stab Aiko with sword when the weird voice shouted in the girl's mind.

“TAROU!” weirdly Aiko shouted that too, almost the same time as the voice in her mind

She couldn't see how this new character appeared cause she closed her eyes when the stranger's sword was about to hit her. When she opened her eyes, she ran into the back of a big red man with white tattoos everywhere around his back and arms. It seemed that he protected Aiko from the stranger’s attack with his own body.

“You ok?” said the huge red man, but he didn’t look directly to Aiko to make the question.

The girl looked at the floor looking for blood: it was impossible for that man to be well after taking a direct hit of a sword. However, there was a single blood drip on the ground.

“Ye-yes”

“Good, call Hibiki, Tarou cannot fight.” now thinking about it, Aiko realized that the red man's voice seemed a little childish, or if you can call it, sounded as if he was as confused as she was.

“Hibi-Hibiki?” she didn’t know who the red man was talking about, but the mere fact of speaking the name, Hibiki, caused another person to join the scene.

He was a tall man with tan skin, wearing some kind of scary bone helmet, but Aiko knew that this stranger was there to help her. Flames were coming out of the holes for the eyes of this new stranger’s helmet. He looked at Aiko and then looked at the man who had just attacked Tarou.

With a single leap the tan man punched the man holding the blue sword, which started to cry instantly.

“No please please, don’t attack me, please, I surrender.”

“I’ve no mercy for those that attack my Mistress,” the voice of the tan man was very high, however comforting. It was like a fire during the winter, the flames can hurt you, but it’s impossible for you to stay away from them.

The tan man drew a large shinning orange sword from his back; it seemed he was getting ready to kill the man that tried to attack Aiko.

“Please! Please, spare him, I… I just want to leave this place,” as if some spirit of courage possessed the girl, she managed to say that and draw the attention of the tan man.

He stared the girl for a few seconds and then put his sword back to its place on his back.

The man with the blue sword started to say “Thank you thank you thank you thank you…” after some seconds his voice became some kind of background music for the conversation between Aiko and Hibiki.

“Please can you help me find the room 1113B?” asked Aiko to the tan man.

“Room 1113B? Huh?” he certainly didn’t know what she was talking about, but Tarou unexpectedly pointed to a door across the hall, on its superior side Room 1113B was written with silver letters.

Aiko walked to the front of the room, it looked like the door she saw at the Grasslands, she looked back to thank Tarou, but he and the tan man disappeared. Something really weird was going on there, maybe whoever was behind that door could help her find out what was going on.

OoC: I did it! ha!

[QUOTE=Aishimisu;3025066]

However* the voice seemed to be happy,** the voice had the same sound of someone that speak smiling.

*Comma needs to be here


**No comma here. Unless you add a conjunction here it should be a period. Or a semi-colon I guess/

Before the voice could say its name, the stranger who was about to attack Aiko shouted

Punctuation?

“Lightning Dog! Show her your blue fire!”

The stranger looked to Aiko and held his sword behind his back, as if he was charging an attack with that weird pose.

This sentence is blah and choppy. Try something akin to "The stranger looked towards Aiko; holding his sword behind his back as if charging a strange attack." Or something.

What happened next was very quick, the stranger prepared to stab Aiko with his sword, that looked more like a lightning now, and before it could touch her the voice shouted in the girl’s mind, it said

it said "man this sentence has to many commas". Srsly, to many commas...fix it it hurts tor read. And you are missing your end punctuation.

Aiko couldn’t see how he appeared, because she closed her eyes when she the stranger’s sword was coming on her direction.

No comma.

When she opened her eyes, she ran into the back of a big red man, he had white tattoos everywhere around his back and arms.

No comma.

“You ok?” said the huge red man, but he didn’t look directly to Aiko to make the question

What's with you and missing end of sentence punctuation today?

The girl looked at the floor looking for blood, it was impossible that man be well after taking a direct hit of a sword, however there was a single blood drip on the ground.

Should look as follows:

The girl looked at the floor looking for blood: it was impossible for that man to be well after taking a direct hit of a sword. However, there was a single blood drip on the ground.

“Good, call Hibiki, Tarou cannot fight*”

Need a comma here.

He was a tall man with tan skin, wearing some kind of bone helmet, scary in a way, but Aiko knew that this stranger was there to help her.

Why not say "Some kind of scary bone helmet" instead of breaking your chain of thought to mention a small detail?

With a single leap the tan man punched the man holding the blue sword, which started to cry instantly

“No please please, don’t attack me, please, I surrender”

PUNCTUATION NEEDS TO BE AT THE END OF EVERY SENTENCE!

“Please! Please, spare him, I… I just want to leave this place”

At the end of quotations that is followed by text their needs to be a comma. Or a period of the following text is not relevant to the quotation...but something...please.

OoC: I did it! ha!

Not yet. Fix the issues, then you can be done....savvy~

9 days later...
kay, check it lol

The grasslands stretched on for miles into the horizon, as a light breeze gently swayed across the grass in an almost visible beauty. Pollen from the many patches of flowers where swept into the air spreading colour across the vast expanse. In the middle of the field atop a small hill was a single apple tree...wait...no that's not right. That tree was no their when I started this paragraph, was their? Errr...regardless of when exactly that tree appeared, the tree was in the middle of the field as a small stature man leaned lightly upon it. The wind blew his hair akimbo but managed not to block his view of the book in his hand even for a second. As a stronger gust of wind tossed the branches a single apple fell from their grasp landing hard on the mains blond head, and bouncing off only to be caught by the man's right hand. Taking a large bite from the fruit he look up from his book "Aiko right?" he said his mouth still half full, "You're a little early come back in fifteen minutes. Thanks."

"But..."

"Oh fine if you persist," Kaze said throwing his book backwards through the tree...wait...through the tree? "I am The Arbiter of Storms, The Lord of Skies and Master of the wind. I swirls clouds into tornadoes with my left hand, and turn seas into graves with my right. Those who know me fear me, those who fear me revere me, for I am The Grand Archmage of Wind."

"..."

"And you are weak,"

"..."

"Lord, what fools these mortals be," Kaze sighed and shook his head, "okay let us begin. Tell me young one, what is the meaning of life?"


------------

ASSIGNMENT TIME!
Answer the Question.

Delicious Popcorns

“Each one of them has only one chance to escape, just one jump to freedom, however all my life I have never seen any of them escape, but also never saw any of them give up of their freedom jump”

The Foreign Cooker

There she was in front of a man who calls himself the Lord of Skies and Master of the Winds, and to complete the scenario she was again in another grasslands with no sign of the door through which she passed to get there. Everything seemed so surreal, so ... so impossible, and when she realized that everything was really happening, and that it wasn’t just a crazy dream, she thought "Am I still alive? Or… or… Did I just die that night? Isn’t it all just a dream or something? All this is simply impossible, NOTHING is right here!"

The only thing Aiko wanted was to be able to pass out and just wake up when all that madness was over, however the deity of faints (if he/she exists) seemed to not be interested with the girl’s current situation, and a faint wasn’t granted to her.

“Tell me young one, what’s the meaning of life?” The man asking wasn't old enough to call Aiko a young one. He seemed to be twenty years old or something around that. Anyone could easily tell that he wasn't really old just by the sound of his voice, however his way of speaking sounded like a swagger worthy of older people. He had grayish eyes, which were a little disturbing because of their uncommon color. But the strangest thing about him was that somehow in an inexplicable way Aiko remembered his face from somewhere else, and seeing it again, there, was the most normal thing happening in all that madness.

Slowly his words started to make sense in her mind; he seemed to think all that was happening was normal, he seemed to be used with all that, his words sounded cold and insensible for someone who was living the most confusing moment of her life. The girl’s mind was already full of questions and the last thing she wanted now was more questions.

“I…” Her sight began to dim a bit “I…” Everything around her started to blur, it seemed the deity of faints decided that Aiko was worthy of a little faint “What… What’s going on here?” When the last word left the girl’s mouth the entire world around her turned to black and she started to fall to the ground, the wind blowing her face and the feeling of between she finally hitting the ground was as if she was flying, and one last thought crossed her mind: popcorns.

There she was in front of a man who calls himself nominated the Lord of Skies and Master of the Winds,

huh? Unneeded word confuses Puck.

Everything seemed so surreal, so ... so impossible, and when she realized that everything was really happening, and that wasn’t just a crazy dream, she thought

that is wasn't just a crazy dream. you forget word.

"Am I still alive? Or… or… Did I just die that night? Isn’t it all just a dream or something? All this is simply impossible, NOTHING is right here!"

I see aiko likes to Contemplate her navel.

The only thing Aiko wanted was to be able to pass out and just wake up when all that madness was over, however the deity of faints (if he/she exists) seemed to not be interested with the girl’s current situation, and a faint wasn’t granted to her.

This...reminds me of Terry Terry Pratchett.

“

The man asking that wasn’t much older than Aiko to call her a young one,

Hmmm...your word things really strangely sometimes. Is english your first language?

Try this "The man asking wasn't old enough to call Aiko a young one."

His voice denunciated his youth

denunciated is not a word...

He had grayish eyes, which were a little disturbing cause of their uncommon color.

cause, in the form you used it (I/E: A shorted form of because) is slang, and should not be used in form writing. (Unless it's a character saying it...)


“

Everything around her started to blur, it seemed the deity of faints decided that Aiko was worthy of a little faint

Diety of faints...*gigglesnort* I lol every time I read that.




FIXEIT!

Originally Posted by Puck

huh? Unneeded word confuses Puck.

one of the many problems you get from changing the same sentence a thousand times

Originally Posted by Puck

that is wasn't just a crazy dream. you forget word.

I _____ you. (fill the space)

Originally Posted by Puck

I see aiko likes to Contemplate her navel.

dude, writing is not easy, I'm trying to find my own style here LOL

Originally Posted by Puck

This...reminds me of Terry Terry Pratchett.

didn't know of his existence

Originally Posted by Puck

Hmmm...your word things really strangely sometimes. Is english your first language?

you saw right through me.
actually I do that cause I think my sentences look prettier that way LOL
btw I did that previously on the other posts too

Originally Posted by Puck

denunciated is not a word...

really? I saw it in some dictionaries (denunciate) and thought it would be cool to use it instead of repeating words (show, I think, don't remember now what word would be repeated). kay I changed the whole sentence, couldn't think in any other word to use there D:

Originally Posted by Puck

cause, in the form you used it (I/E: A shorted form of because) is slang, and should not be used in form writing. (Unless it's a character saying it...)

lol, that's what you get for using msn while writing your assignment lol
lucky that was the only one lol

Originally Posted by Puck

Diety of faints...*gigglesnort* I lol every time I read that.

MISSION COMPREET
bwahahahaha
(anime :3)

Originally Posted by Puck

FIXEIT!

no you

I'm to lazy to read that again, did you fix anything I asked or just argue about them?

Originally Posted by Puck

I'm to lazy to read that again, did you fix anything I asked or just argue about them?

I fixed them ;A;
lol

GOOD!

ASSIGNMENT TIME
Popcorn is the meaning of life? Well as it turns out Aiko wakes up in a room full of popcorn. A HUGE ROOM! like five miles in diameter. She has to find her way out of this popcorn room, how you ask? I dunno think of something.

Popcorn Fields

"Popcorns for the eyes and the soul."

The Popcorn Machine

Slowly Aiko woke up, when she finally opened her eyes fully she noticed she was no longer in the grasslands with Kaze, but in a closed room with a ceiling of white marble; similar to the other rooms she saw in the Dome.

She began to move to stand up. First positioning her legs and then her hands, but when she touched what was underneath her she noticed there was no ground or anything like that, but thousands and thousands of popcorns.

Appalled by the discovery Aiko sat down in order to look where exactly she was. She noticed that the room stretched for miles and there was popcorn everywhere she looked. The room looked like a copy of the grasslands where she met Kaze, but the grass had been replaced by popcorn and the blue sky by the white roof. She remembered that there was a tree in the grasslands, if that room was really a copy of grassland, a copy of that tree, or something representing the tree, should be somewhere in there. She began to look around and finally found something; not a tree, but a giant squirrel. It was twice as large as a bear while twice as cute as a rabbit.

The squirrel was on top of a popcorn hill, just standing there with its head staring at the ceiling. Aiko got up and stood on the strange popcorn floor, staring at it for a moment, and then began walking towards the squirrel. As she walked she remembered the name of the tanned man she summoned earlier and decided it would be a good idea to call him again. Fearing the squirrel reaction to her presence there she decided to whisper.

“Hibiki.” She called, but this time the tanned man didn’t appear. The girl started to wonder what exactly she did to summon him and started to walk again. The little girl was trying to recall what happened when the tanned man and the huge red man appeared but before she could remember everything she suddenly tripped on something under the popcorns. The thing groaned when her foot hit it and with one leap it got out from under the popcorn. It was the tanned man.

“Sorry about that. How may I serve you, Mistress?” Asked the tanned man slightly bowing while cleaning his helmet from some popcorns stuck on it.

“Mistress? Why do you call me that?” asked the girl as she watched him finally take and throw away the last popcorn stuck in his helmet.

“It's hard to explain, it took some time to understand it myself. I think it’s better if you ask Yori, he’ll know how to explain that.” Said Hibiki as he observed the giant squirrel on the popcorn hill. “Do you need anything else from me, Mistress?” He asked pointing to the squirrel.

“I don’t know. I don’t know you or that thing over there. I simply don’t know what to do.” Her mind took her back to when she met him for the first time. It was probably the first time he met her too, but he protected her anyway.

“What about we go up there and ask the squirrel what’s this place?” He said looking to the girl with his blazing eyes.

“Ok.” She said a little confused with that idea. Again everything seemed like a crazy dream.


Down the Squirrel’s Throat

"Yushi"

The Squirrel

When they arrived where the squirrel was they could see its actual size; it was almost two times bigger than Hibiki standing. They could hear the squirrel gently murmuring something in the air. Something like “Yushi Yushi, yumi yumi, Yushi,” it didn’t make any sense for both Aiko and Hibiki. Sneaking closer to the squirrel the tanned man looked back to Aiko waiting for her approval. The girl nodded and the tanned man looked back to the squirrel and moved closer to it, when he was less than one meter away from it, Hibiki poked the giant squirrel.

“Yuuuuushi.” Said the squirrel with a startling voice as he turned to see who poked him. When he saw who poked him, his voice changed to a cute one and said “Yumi.”

A little confused, Hibiki asked “H-Hi, my names is Hibiki, and this girl here is my Mistress, Aiko. Unknown to both of us somehow my Mistress woke up here and now we don’t have any idea of where exactly we are. Could you tell us where we are now and if possible how we get out of here?” He was trying to sound polite to not offend the squirrel in any way possible.

The squirrel looked at him and then looked at the girl and said gently, almost not opening his mouth “Yushi yumi yumi”. The girl felt the air being pulled into the squirrel’s mouth, unlike what happens when someone speaks; that is, the air being pushed out of the mouth. Hibiki was going to say something again when the squirrel opened his huge mouth revealing an emptiness inside it. It sucked all the popcorn into it, and just like the popcorn Aiko and Hibiki were being sucked too.

“W-Why?” Asked the girl while trying to hold herself on ground.

A raucous and loud voice echoed from the black hole that was the squirrel’s mouth “Emergency Exit,” it said. Instantly Aiko and the Hibiki understood what they needed to do.

Hibiki looked to his little Mistress that nodded back to him. He then took her hand and together they jumped into the squirrel’s mouth.

OoC: orz

Out of boredom I am trying something different. I am going to ask you why you do things(unless they are blatently wrong) and you will edit in a reply with your reasoning...if you don't have a good reason then change it =3

Slowly Aiko woke up, when she finally opened her eyes fully she noticed she was no longer in the grasslands with Kaze, but in a closed room with a ceiling of white marble*, similar to the other rooms she saw in the Dome.

Why did you use a comma here* when a semi-colon would work better?

She began to move to stand up.

Wouldn't standing up require moving? Then why tell us the same thing twice?

The room looked like a copy of the grasslands where she met Kaze, but the grass had been replaced by popcorn and the blue sky by a white marble roof.

You mentioned the marble before...why tell us again?

It was twice as large as a bear while twice as cute.

Twice as cute as a bear or a squirrel?

staring it for a moment,

Staring it for a moment? You are missing a word...fix it xP

She called, but this time the tanned man didn’t appear. She started to wonder what exactly she did to summon him and started to walk again. She

Why do you start so many sentences with the word "She"? Don't you think this is repetitive?

When they arrived where the squirrel was they could see its actual size. It was almost two times bigger than Hibiki standing.

Are you afraid of semi-colons? Because one would work perfectly here, yeeesss.

“W-Why?” Asked the girl while trying to hold herself on ground.

How? The entire room is popcorns.

Why are you so awesome?