"{Zorolo} Catriana's Training"

The sun burst through the dark clouds its cheery light turning the fresh raindrops into glittering stars. The playful wind cleared away the last traces of gloomy clouds and shook the twinkling raindrops from the trees scattered around The Dome. Fat robins skittered about after the worms the rainstorm had driven from the ground. One especially large red-chested specimen bobbed its way near the roots of a large tree its sparkling black eyes studying the ground for any sign of a juicy breakfast, but it scuttled away immediately eyeing the tree suspiciously. There was something in it that wasn’t a bird. Slowly, hesitantly the robin hopped a little closer. There was a big fat juicy worm and the robin wanted it. It was just weighing it chances of escaping unscathed with the worm when a screeching, furry meteor hurtled towards it. There was a loud groan from the tree followed by a sharp command,

“Aslo! leave those birds alone.” The grounded meteor sent a forlorn look after the fleeing birds with large golden eyes. Quickly regaining his composure the strange animal turned its head and glared up at the tree or rather the young girl perched in it.

The girl was Catriana Foster and she was wet.

“I dooo what-I-want.” The creature spoke in a serious of screeches and squeaks, and had a strange way of drawing out his Os and slurring all the words after that together. He snapped his beak threateningly a couple of times just to show her he meant it and started to preen and dry his feathers in the sun. Aslo was a miniature gryphon and a bad tempered one at that.

“The sun feels goooood.” He whistled giving her a sly glance.

“You’re going to feel something else if you don’t get your furry little butt back in this tree.” She hissed. Slowly and deliberately the gryphon turned his back on her. Cat clenched her pale, slender hands into tight fists preventing herself from grabbing one of her knives. If she hurt the horrible little fur ball she would regret it later.

Taking a deep breath she instead focused on why she was here and it definitely wasn’t to pin irritating familiars to the ground with well-aimed knives… though that was a mission she would probably undertake if it were ever offered. No, she was here too steal an artifact from The Dome. It was called the Shadowkeeper or something like that. The name didn’t really matter her boss had supplied her with a carefully drawn picture complete with measurements; he had, however, failed to mention the sheer size of The Dome. Cat considered the massive structure her black eyebrows dipping into a frown over her pale eyes.

On the upside the job paid well and that was something, but on the downside he had told her the artifact was in 'The Tower of a Thousand Steps' and The Dome didn’t have any visible towers… Cat supposed it was possible that the tower was on the inside, The Dome was definitely was big enough, but would be hard to find as she sincerely doubted The Dome had You-Are-Here-Maps for lost thieves. No wonder he had offered her so much gold. No one else had been stupid or suicidal enough to try to get his blasted artifact. Well since she had already spent the advance he had given her she had no choice but to try. Sneaking into the dome would be easier at night but Cat didn’t do night, besides she had been watching the dome all morning and hadn’t seen any guards. Cat gave a defeated sigh and called softly to the gryphon,

“Hey, Aslo, would you do me a favor.” The small creatures eyes gleamed as he glanced up at her.

“Nooo” he crowed, “I just a furry butt. Can’t help noooobody.” Cat restrained a groan of frustration and said in her sweetest most coaxing tone.

“Please Aslo? If you can find an entrance into The Dome that isn’t guarded I’ll… buy you that fish you like so much.”
He stared at her suspiciously for a moment

“The pink oooone?”

“Yes pink, red, blue whatever color you want.”

“Nooo red, nooo blue. PINK.” He screeched.

“Yes. Yes pink.” She agreed hastily. The tiny creature nodded before spreading it pale brown, speckled wings. With a hop and a skip it was in the air.

While she waited she squeezed what water she could out of her clothes and did her best to dry her long black hair. Restlessly her pale gray-blue eyes studied the surrounding aria carefully taking in every movement. At last she caught sight of the returning gryphon. He had discovered a small door that did not appear to be guarded. Slipping silently out of the tree the black clothed thief snuck her way towards The Dome taking advantage of the cover offered by the plethora of trees and bushes that flourished around the dome.

The door Aslo had discovered seemed to have no purpose. There was nothing outside of interest just scraggily bushes and a few weeds. She studied it suspiciously. It could be a trap. Reaching out she twisted the handle half expecting it to open, but it was locked, which was reassuring. Crouching down Cat whipped out her lock picks and had the door open in a few seconds. The room beyond was dimly lit with flickering candle-light. Cautiously she slipped her hand into her sleeve and felt the comforting handle of her favorite knife. ‘Ok’ she thought ‘it is now or never.’ Her black boot made a gentle thud as she stepped into the dome.

Alright, overall, you're already doing great. Honestly, I have very little to teach you. Just some fine tuning.

The sun burst through the dark clouds, its cheery light turning the fresh raindrops into glittering stars.

One especially large red-chested specimen bobbed its way near the roots of a large tree, its sparkling black eyes studying the ground for any sign of a juicy breakfast, but it scuttled away, immediately eyeing the tree suspiciously.

You use adjectives very well, and make great compound sentences, but it’s important to maintain good comma-use. You need commas to separate the different actions and adjectives in your sentences, or else they’ll start running into each other. Note the bolded commas I’ve added in the quotes above to help separate your sentences a little. The commas help keep everything linked together, while identifying individual aspects.

At the same time, you need to make sure you’re not over-using them, or you’ll start to ramble. If you look again at that second quote, you might notice that gets a tad bit long-winded. You need that first comma to separate the bird’s different actions, since they’re also simultaneous. Since the “scuttling” is a follow-up action, you can change it around a bit and turn it into a separate sentence, especially since it also has its own action-comma-action part. Generally, you don’t want more than one “ACA” section in a single sentence. You can turn it into something like, “The robin scuttled away, eyeing the tree suspiciously.”

One especially large red-chested specimen bobbed its way near the roots of a large tree its sparkling black eyes studying the ground for any sign of a juicy breakfast, but it scuttled away immediately eyeing the tree suspiciously. There was something in it that wasn’t a bird. Slowly, hesitantly the robin hopped a little closer. There was a big fat juicy worm and the robin wanted it. It was just weighing it chances of escaping unscathed with the worm when a screeching, furry meteor hurtled towards it.

This section goes back and forth quite a lot. It goes between the bird wanting the worm, to being suspicious, back to wanting the worm, and then back to being suspicious again. Aside from being a little zigzaggy, I don’t think birds are that multi-tracked, brain-wise. Instead, you can rearrange the paragraph so that the bird approaches the tree, eyes the worm, and then starts getting suspicious as it notices something is awry.

Quickly regaining his composure, the strange animal turned its head and glared up at the tree, or rather the young girl perched in it.

Another instance where commas can help separate individual parts of a sentence.

The girl was Catriana Foster, and she was wet.

Again, the comma separates the two parts where Cat is introduced, and where she is described.

“The sun feels goooood.” He whistled, giving her a sly glance.

“You’re going to feel something else if you don’t get your furry little butt back in this tree.” She hissed.

When describing how a person speaks following dialog, end the speech with a comma, and don’t capitalize the following word. You only end it a period and capitalize if the speech and following sentence are separate. Observe.

“. . . this tree,” she hissed.

“. . . this tree.” Aslo *somethingsomething*

No, she was here too steal an artifact from The Dome.

Beware of the differences between “too”, “to”, “two”, and the like.

The name didn’t really matter,/. her boss had supplied her with a carefully drawn picture complete with measurements; he had, however, failed to mention the sheer size of The Dome. Cat considered the massive structure, her black eyebrows dipping into a frown over her pale eyes.

This paragraph can be broken up better. The first part needs either a comma or a period. And the semicolon is misused there; it should be a comma or period instead. And again, you need a comma in that last part,

Sneaking into the dome would be easier at night but Cat didn’t do night, besides she had been watching the dome all morning and hadn’t seen any guards.

You’ve been doing well, but remember that specific places like “The Dome” need to be capitalized. Also, you’re starting to ramble at the bolded part. Separate it into different sentences to get a better flow.

“Hey, Aslo, would you do me a favor.”

Questions need a question mark.

“Nooo” he crowed

Here’s a good example of what I mentioned earlier about the commas closing up dialog.

Restlessly her pale gray-blue eyes studied the surrounding aria carefully taking in every movement.

Comma after “restlessly”, and “aria” should be “area”.

Slipping silently out of the tree the black clothed thief snuck her way towards The Dome taking advantage of the cover offered by the plethora of trees and bushes that flourished around the dome.

Hyphen to connect “black” and “clothed”. “Black-clothed”, “golden-haired”, ect. Also, comma after “Dome”.

‘Ok’ she thought ‘it is now or never.’

Thoughts are usually in italics.

Ok, she thought. It is now or never.



First Assignment!

Have Cat sneak around a little, making her way to a small, dimly-lit chamber. Then, from the shadows, comes . . . another thief! He'll grab Cat's flower out of her hair, and toss a wire net over Aslo (we'll just assume it's enchanted). Then he'll dash away, Cat taking chase. Describe as much as possible. Adjectives are good. 500 word minimum.

<.< Commas are frightening things... but I'll work on it. I'll try and post my next assignment tomorrow night.

OoC: I tried to follow what you said about commas, but I probably messed it up even worse this time. <.<
iC:

With nervous apprehension, Catriana crept down the hallway. The only sound was a slight squelching made by her soggy boots. Aslo hung grimly to her shoulder, silent for once. The glooming light dampened his spirits and kept his beak clamped shut.

Cat was doing her best to keep calm. It was too dark. Shadows danced upon the wall, seeming to revel in the freedom the pale, flickering light offered. Like snakes the darkness coiled around her, choking her. Wishing to stop she continued; feeling the urge to flee, she walked on. She had no choice the darkness seemed to have a will of its own and folded her deeper into its depths.

Just when collapse seemed immanent, a spark went off in her brain.
"Darkness cannot live where the light shines!" her voice echoed strangely down the corridor. Dimly at first but growing in strength an iridescent star began to shine, hovering inches above the thief’s hand. The bonds of darkness disappeared, and Cat was in control once more.

Her breath was coming in ragged gasps; a trembling hand wiped away the cold sweat, which threatened to blind her. Pausing for a few moments, Cat concentrated on steadying her breathing. Aslo also seemed to relax.

“Youuuu a scaredy-Cat,” he chirruped. His small frame began to shake, and a strange hissing; hacking noise issued from his throat. Had anyone else heard it they would have assumed the heimlich was in order, but Cat knew better. Aslo was laughing. Normal gryphons liked riddles; Aslo loved puns.

Trying her best to ignore the easily amused gryphon, Cat concentrated on her surroundings. The hallway seemed to go on indefinitely. How long had she been walking? She wasn’t sure. The panic had befuddled her, and it was pointless to ask Aslo. Time was meaningless to him. Everything in his mind happened not so long ago.


“Why we stop?”
“Just trying to get my bearings.”
“You loooost!” He cackled happily.
“I am not lost,” she hissed back vehemently “but we don’t seem to be getting anywhere. Maybe we should go back and find a different door?”
“Youuu want-Different-door?” She turned doing her best to glare at her furry friend. This had better not have anything to do with fish, She thought.
“Yes, Different door,” she repeated.
“oook. I-find-you one.”

Cat blinked in surprise. Either his pun had put him in a very good mood or something was up.
“That would be very nice of you Aslo.” Deciding not to look a gift door in the hinges.
“Yup I veerrrry nice,” he squeaked. “I find you door.”
“OK lets go back out and find I different door.”
“I find you door,” He repeated.
“Yes I heard you.” Cat turned to head back out. “OW! Aslo!” The gryphon had sunk his sharp talons into her shoulder.
“I find you door!” He screeched shrilly. Cat wasn’t sure which hurt more the tiny scratches on her shoulder or her eardrum.
“I know! Lets go find a door.”
“No, I find door,” he repeated for the fourth time this time accenting his words by pointing to the left. Cat turned and started, causing Aslo to dig his claws into her shoulders again. There hadn’t been a door there before… had there?

She hesitated a few moments then turned the knob and shoved open the door. The room beyond was even dimmer than the hallway had been. Gently she rolled her star into the room, lazily it floated forward. Though it expanded to try and fill the darkness the shadows resisted and continued to play hide-and-seek around the edge.

On the far side Catriana could just make out stairs, which was promising. Towers had stairs. On silent feet, her boots had dried out, she stalked into the room, and collecting her star did her best to walk in a strait line across the chamber.

A flicker of movement caught at the corner of her eye, but before she could turn Aslo gave a shriek and launched himself into the air. Pivoting to face the threat, Cat saw Also go down ensnared in a twisting, glimmering net. Pain tore at Cat;s head as the attacker grabbed at her red flower, ripping it from her hair. Even without thinking Cat had slid her favorite knife from its hiding place and slashed at the attacker.

He leapt nimbly away and out the door Cat had just come through. Pausing only a second to scoop up Aslo, net and all, Cat gave chase. There was a trickle of blood at the end of her knife and that gave her some satisfaction.