[Safer] Spencer's training

OoC: can't wait to become awesome! thanks safer!

here's http://www.zeldauniverse.net/forums/...3-spencer.html

BiC:
Spencer had travelled far. He met many people, made many allies, and made few enemies along the way. His quest to save his wife had taken him almost everywhere on the planet, save for a few uncharted islands. The only reason he even knew about where he was going was that his best friend, Rey, a famous football quarterback, had noticed the island while flying in his private jet. Rey knew of Spencer's journey, and has done all he could to help him through the past year. The moment he realized the small island wasn't on his map, he phoned Spencer and gave him the coordinates.

Spencer was currently travelling by boat, as, obviously, there was no way to take a car and there were no airlines to the island. He could make out the shape of a small, flat island with a single mountain from about 1,000 feet away. He was despeately hoping he wouldn't have to climb the mountain, as it looked at least 3,000 feet high. But Spencer was smart enough to know it would almost certainly come to that.

The small craft approached the island at last, and Spencer docked as soon as he hit land. Waves would almost certainly carry the tiny boat out to sea, so Spencer pulled it ashore. He surveyed the island, noticing there was no plant or animal life, save for the seaweed that had washed ashore and the birds overhead. The island was very sandy, very flat, and seemingly uninhabited. The clear island's sand reflected the cloudless sky, giving it a bluish tint.

Spencer figured that he ought to explore the shore before he climbed the large, foreboding mountain that loomed in front of him. He made that trip around the other side of the island, and to his surprise, a small village with about fifty people in it came into his sights. He was cautious, since he was unsure if they were hostile. A villager approached him, and he reached for his sword. But the villager meant no harm. He had brought a crab plate for the mysterious Visitor. "I love crab!", thought Spencer.

He realized they must be smart if they could cook a crab so exquisitely.

Spencer followed them back to their village. An older man, adorned with beads, feathers, and jewelry was brought out on a throne held up by four other tribesman. "This might be the chief", Spencer thought to himself.

He attempted to communicate with sign language, making simple gestures. The chief replied, in clear English, "it's nice to meet a peaceful emu once in a while." He chuckled a bit at his quaint little joke.

Spencer was a bit embarrassed.

Spencer recapped his entire Quest to the chief, who told him his name was Otwan. "Well, Spencer", the chief said, "it seems we were fated to meet. For years, a prophecy has been passed through our race. 'When the stranger with one eye arrives guide him to the temple at the mountain's summit.'"

Spencer realized he was referring to the way he covered his discolored eye with his hair. the chief started talking again. "We don't actually know what the prophecy means ouselves, but we do know what you must do is climb the summit."

Otwan and his tribe supplied Spencer with a days worth of fish--actually five days, but fish spoils fast. The trek up the mountain wasn't as bad as Spencer thought. No wind, and there were plenty of footholds for him. After about three and a half days, spencer reached the peak. His eyes grew heavy, and his whole body limp and useless. He simply collapsed.

Spencer awoke in a large building, There were intricate patterns carved in the walls, and several stone statues as far as the eye could see. Spencer looked up at a face. Spencer was truly perplexed. Although he knew he wasn't where he just was, he felt he needed to be here.

Welcome to the Intermediate Class. Some things to consider:

Never use parenthesis in your prose, as I explained in #zelda. I'm not going to criticize much because this was just the pre-lesson, but that one was just a rule of thumb that you should generally always consider. First off the bat we're going to tackle dialogue.

For your next assignment, have your character enter the Dome. At the entrence, he will meet a Domerii, a butler of the Dome. Domerii are small, pale-skinned, and humanoid. Have the Domerii explain to your character what the Dome is, why your character is here, and that your character will be taught by Orysius Solian. Then, have the Domerii lead your character to his (your character's) new room in the Dome. This part of the assignment will be an exercise for your dialogue skills.

When they arrive at the room, the Domerii should leave. The Dome knows the type of room each of its inhabitants would desire, and so it fills it with all of the necessary commodities and things that inhabitant would like. So, I want you to see your descriptive skills when your character enters his room. End the post after your character has become comfortable in his new room.

Keep in mind proper dialogue format:

Dialogue always has a paragraph of its own. For example:

Instead of:

The room was dimly lit, now. James had turned off the fan's light, Daniel could see, so all that was left was the calm glow of the lamp. It fit Daniel's mood, if anything. The world around him was spinning, he was so angry. "You're a liar and an idiot," he said. "I can' t believe you." James stood up and held his hands up. "What do you expect me to do?" James asked. Daniel shook his head. "There's nothing you can do. Not anymore." James turned around. "Fine!" he said. "Then get out!"

This is confusing. You can't tell who is speaking, half of the time.

Try:

The room was dimly lit, now. James had turned off the fan's light, Daniel could see, so all that was left was the calm glow of the lamp. It fit Daniel's mood, if anything. The world around him was spinning, he was so angry.

"You're a liar and an idiot," he said. "I can' t believe you." James stood up and held his hands up.

"What do you expect me to do?" James asked. Daniel shook his head.

"There's nothing you can do. Not anymore." James turned around.

"Fine!" he said. "Then get out!"

Notice how I've broken it up like this. When presented, each line of dialogue is brought down to its own separate paragraph. It keeps things clear.

OoC: okay, i used word this time, but i couldn't get the two little lines to always turn to a bigger one, for some reason.

i hope you like it.

BiC: Spencer had no idea what was happening. He stood up and examined the area, paying attention to details. None of the statues, he noticed, had any signs of aging; there were no cracks, no faded spots, and no eroded areas. It was as if the place was stuck in time.

There was a tall and narrow corridor in front of him, leading to a large set of double doors. They had some ancient looking patterns on them, but, again, there were no obvious signs of aging. He struggled to open them, but to no avail. “Try pulling them.” Spencer heard the voice from behind him. He swiveled around to face who had spoken to him.

He was surprised to see a small, frail-looking man dressed in a black-and-white butler’s outfit. He had very pale skin, a small frame, and looked like he had trouble standing up. “Poor little man”, thought Spencer.

“Didn’t you hear me? Try pulling them”, said the little butler-like man.

“Huh? Oh, you mean the doors.” Spencer pulled them, and was caught by surprise how they opened with barely any force. He nearly hit himself with the door.

“Funny, you looked brighter.” The butler chuckled. “Greetings, Spencer, and welcome to the Dome. I am a Domerii, a servant to the dome“

Spencer was perplexed. “How do you know my name? Where is this place? How did I get here?” It all poured out of him so quickly.

The Domerii chuckled again. “I can see you are confused, as most others typically are. The Dome is an inter-dimensional school for people who wish to become warriors. Your teacher will be a Mr. Orysius Solian. If you are here, then you have been chosen to come, so there must be something important about you. Your quest to save your wife will lead you to more critically threatening things that you will need to stop.”

A blank expression appeared on Spencer’s face—more blank, anyway. He was still confused as to what was happening. “How was any of this possible? An inter-dimensional school for warriors?”, thought Spencer

The Domerii spoke again. “Come Spencer, I’ll show you to your class room.” He took Spencer’s hand and walked him down the corridor

“Show me my classroom? What’s different about my room than the others?” Spencer asked without thinking.

“Whatever you want, Spencer!” the domerii yelled cheerfully.

“I want to go back to my mountain” Spencer thought, sadly. The domerii stopped in front of a plain-looking, wooden door that had no intricate designs like the others. “I’ll just be leaving now.”

Spencer heard the Domerii speak, but didn’t see him going away as he turned around. “I need a nap.” was the first thing Spencer thought. He opened the door.

What he saw amazed him to no extent. The room was simply massive. There were two sections, a living area, and what looked to be a very, very, very large outdoor training area.
The living area was painted with a blue color and had all you could need in a house—a fully stocked fridge, a working faucet, and a working telephone--along with leisurely things, such as a TV, treadmill—Spencer liked to run—and even a video game console and a computer. Spencer flicked the TV on and checked out what it could do. He was very happy to see there were 5,000 working channels. There was a bed at the back of the room with a bedside table. The table had a bedside lamp, and underneath the table was a huge stock of books to read when nothing was on TV.. On the other side of the bed was another table, but this one had a picture of Spencer’s dearest wife, Cate, smiling her beautiful smile. At this sight, Spencer did something he rarely ever did—smile. He smiled more than he had smiled in a long time.

Outside was an extremely large, square-shaped concrete area, surrounded by concrete boxes with grass in them. The place was mostly empty, other than those.

“Yeah”, said Spencer aloud, flopping onto the large bed, “I could nap here alright.”

Excellent job; I want to see more from your dialogue. I haven't but one piece of criticism: When using commas in dialogue, you put them within the quotation marks. For example:

As opposed to:

"I knew that", James said. "Don't taunt me."

Try:

"I knew that," James said. "Don't taunt me."

Also, when using question marks or exclamation points, no comma is needed at the end of dialogue. It should simply be the question/exclamation point, the closing quotation mark, and then move on.

For your next lesson, have your character grow hungry. He will then meander his way through the Dome, looking for a cafeteria. He will find one, but not before you describe the Dome very well. Remember, the Dome is open to writer creativity--it's how it functions.

Once your character finds the cafeteria, have him get a meal and sit down. A hooded stranger will join him eventually, and the two of them will have a conversation. The personality, name, and essence of this hooded person are up to you. End your post when the conversation reaches a natural end.

OoC: hey, safer, sorry it's been so long. i've taken an extended break from the site. i'll get working on my next entry, ASAP.