[Safer] Isaac Turnfalken's Training

The forest was silent that day, a fresh blanket of snow had just fallen upon the peaceful wood. The Woodland animals were strangely nowhere to be seen. So the arrival of a cloaked young man, a large sword seathed on his back, and an old, cane-ridden man went unnoticed to even the animals of the forest.


Isaac followed the old man along the trodden trail. Many a great hero had walked across this soil, and he was honored to be among them. The bitter cold stung his face, but it did not sway him much. He had come from the distant land of Hyrule, questing for miles and facing may a peril to get here, and he wasn't about to let a little cold turn him away from his goal. It was a while before the old man who had agreed to guide him stopped, and turned to Isaac. "You must now finish the trek on your own," wheezed the decrepit man, "Only those chosen can go any further....." "But how will I know where to go?" Isaac replied. "The trail will continue to the Hall of Warriors," The old man replied. "Just follow the path and you'll reach it. I wish you luck, sonny." And with that, the old man turned around and head back to his home. Isaac shortly wondered if the man would make it in his condition.

Isaac walked for a few hours along the trail, a blizzard had just hit, and it became harder to see. Oddly, the trail only seemed even more bright and visible amidst the storm, so Isaac tenaciously followed. Eventually, when Isaac hit the abrubt end of the trail, the Blizzard just stopped. It didn't wane, or fade over time, it just stopped. Before him was a marvelous structure, a huge facility with a massive, rounded, crystalline roof. At the gates of the building stood a figure, who appeared to have foreseem his arrival.


He had found it.
The place where he would learn to become the ultimate Warrior.
He had found the Dome.

Welcome to the Intermediate Class. You have a good hold on imagery, which is good, and we'll work on it some more in a bit. First, I want to tackle your dialogue format.

Dialogue should always have its own paragraph from the prose. Prose is the meat of your story, where the scene is set and actions are described. So, to exemplify what I mean by giving dialogue its own paragraph apart from the prose, look at this.

Instead of:

The room was dimly lit, now. James had turned off the fan's light, Daniel could see, so all that was left was the calm glow of the lamp. It fit Daniel's mood, if anything. The world around him was spinning, he was so angry. "You're a liar and an idiot," he said. "I can' t believe you." James stood up and held his hands up. "What do you expect me to do?" James asked. Daniel shook his head. "There's nothing you can do. Not anymore." James turned around. "Fine!" he said. "Then get out!"

This is confusing. You can't tell who is speaking, half of the time.

Try:

The room was dimly lit, now. James had turned off the fan's light, Daniel could see, so all that was left was the calm glow of the lamp. It fit Daniel's mood, if anything. The world around him was spinning, he was so angry.

"You're a liar and an idiot," he said. "I can' t believe you." James stood up and held his hands up.

"What do you expect me to do?" James asked. Daniel shook his head.

"There's nothing you can do. Not anymore." James turned around.

"Fine!" he said. "Then get out!"

Notice how I've broken it up like this. When presented, each line of dialogue is brought down to its own separate paragraph. It keeps things clear.

Now, as for the format of the dialogue itself, there are a few basics I want to cover.

First: A line of dialogue typically involves an initial quote, and then a descriptive phrase to show who is speaking (he said, she said, John said, Gale said, etc.) If the initial quote ends in a period, and it is followed by a descriptive phrase, change the period to a comma. This can be seen in the following phrase. I have bolded and underlined the part I want you to pay attention to.

"You're a liar and an idiot," he said.

The quote, literally, is "You're a liar and an idiot." But, since the "he said" is techincally part of the sentence, the period of the dialogue is treated as a comma. Now, if you have a quote that ends in a period but is NOT followed by a descriptive "he said/she said/etc," then it ends with a period as normal. This is seen here:

"You're a liar and an idiot," he said. "I can' t believe you." James stood up and held his hands up.

Second: If the quote ends with a question mark, and is followed by a descriptive "he said/she said/etc," leave the question mark as it is, but do not capitalize the first letter in "he said/she said." This is seen here:

"What do you expect me to do?" he asked.

This rule also applies to exclamation points, as can be seen here:

"Fine!" he said.

There are some more detailed rules regarding dialogue, but I want you to get used to the basic format first before I overload you.

Now, for your first assignment, have your character approach the man who is waiting for him. Your character will see that this man is not a teacher, but is a Domerii, a butler of the Dome. Domerii are small, pale-skinned, and humanoid. Have the Domerii explain to your character what the Dome is, why your character is here, and that your character will be taught by Orysius Solian. Then, have the Domerii lead your character to his (your character's) new room in the Dome. This part of the assignment will be an exercise for your newfound dialogue skills.

When they arrive at the room, the Domerii should leave. The Dome knows the type of room each of its inhabitants would desire, and so it fills it with all of the necessary commodities and things that inhabitant would like. So, I want you to see your descriptive skills when your character enters his room. End the post after your character has become comfortable in his new room.

Good luck!

Oh, and also, I fixed your character's name in the thread title over in the Characters Section. Because mod powers are awesome like that.

Isaac walked towards the Dome, and found that the figure up ahead was a small man, pale skinned.

"Welcome to the Dome," the small man said. "We have been expecting you. I do hope you enjoy your stay here."

The man noticed that Isaac was staring at him intently.

"Is there something on my face?" the man asked, touching his nose to check.

Isaac quickly came to. "Oh!" he exclaimed in realization. "I'm sorry, It's just that I've neve seen a dwarf before...."

"A dwarf?" the creature replied in disgust. "Good sir, I am no filthy dwarf! How dare you?"

Isac looked terribly embarassed, he blushed and quietly said, "A gnome?"

The small man's face turned red. "No." he said brusqely. "I am a Domerii."

"A what?" Isaac asked.

The Domerii groaned, then said,"The Domerii are the servants of the Dome. We tend to everything here except the training.

"Oh," Isaac said, upset with himself.

"Oh well," the Domerii servant said, "I suppose we should let bygones be bygones. Come, let me show you around."

Isaac and the Domerii walked into the Dome. It was a magnificent structure! The crystal roof caused the sun to shine on everything in the building. Weapons were stockpiled by almost every door. Isaac could hear the sounds of battle behind many of the doors. 'Must be training.' he thought to himself. Hundreds of the Domerii were skittering around, getting duties done. Eventually, his guide gave him information on the Dome.

"As you know," the Domerii began. "The Dome is the most legendary training house in the entire world. Many warriors walk through these doors, and many walk out masters."

"Many?" Isaac asked.

"Yes, some them die during exercises." the Domerii replied. "The wimps."

Isaac gulped.

"Anyway," the Domerii continued. "Only a select few are chosen into the Dome. The masters have heard of your adventures, and wanted to prove your worth. The choosing of you was your first test."

"My first test?" Isaac asked, dumbfounded.

"Yes." the Domerii replied. "The route from Hyrule to this place is very long and extremely dangerous. If you managed to reach the Dome and not die along the way, they considered you worthy. Congrats, you just passed your first test."

Isaac thought for a moment, and then smiled unnasuredly.

They eventually stopped at one of the doors. It had the number "592" on it.

"Your teacher will be Orysus Solian, this will be your room for your stay. I do hope you enjoy yourself." With that, the Domerii left to his other duties.

Isaac opened the door and entered the room. The smell of a crackling fire filled his nostrils. A comfortable-looking bed sat in the corner, next to it was a weapon rack. Isaac also saw a forge on the right. It was almost as if they KNEW he grew up in one. The entire room floor was paved with gleaming cobblestone, so polished he could see his own face in it. A small kitchen area was in the upper right hand corner, with all the ammenities. At the very center of the room, sat a small fireplace, fully lit and happily crackling. Two comfortable chairs sat before the fireplace, both made of smooth velvet. One was colored red, the other blue.

Isaac sat in the blue chair next to the fireplace, settling in to his new temporary home. He soon found himself dozing off.....

Alright, good. Before I give you your next assignment, I want you to go back and edit a few things.

First off, don't use all-caps. This is reserved for VERY intense emotion in dialogue, and should never under any circumstances be used in prose. The only common way it can be used in prose is if it is describing a sign that is in all caps. Go back and change all the all-caps errors.

Secondly, I want you to add more to the description at the end. Don't tell me things, show me them. I don't mind if you milk the vocabulary--look up words if you have to. Use imagery. I want to SEE it, not be told of it. An example:

Instead of, "The woods were dark. It was getting cold. Orysius felt tired, he wanted to sleep. There was a lot he knew that these woods were not telling him."

Try:

"The woods were deeply shaded that evening, the moonlight all but gone by the clouds. A pale whisp of white was all that could be seen of the moon, now, and as the night trudged on, Orysius found himself growing very sleepy. A small inn would be nice now, he figured, but he could not stop. There were many things, dark things, that these woods were not telling him; he was determined to find out what they were."

See how I used vivid vocabulary and verbs to describe the setting? Give it a shot. Rewrite the description of the bedroom.

Finally, go back through your dialogue and correct your format errors. I will not tell you what they were, because I want to see how well you can do, but I will give you a hint: keep the following things in mind.

• When an inital quote ends in an exclamation point or question mark, DON'T capitalize the "he said/she said/etc." That part of the dialogue, though not spoken, is still in the same sentence as a quote. So, instead of

  "You liar!" He said.

  Try

  "You liar!" he said.

• When adding a quote at the END of a sentence, always put a comma before the quote. For instance, when you said

  Isac looked terribly embarassed, he blushed and quietly said "A gnome?"

  It should have had a comma after "said." Like so:

  Isac looked terribly embarassed, he blushed and quietly said, "A gnome?"

• Always remember, periods turn to commas in the inital quotes!

Once you have edited all of that, post in here saying that you have done so.

I have done so.

Great job with the dialogue. There were still one or two places where you forgot to change the period to a comma, but I'll let those slide. Just remember to always do that in the future! Also, you did a FABULOUS job on the description in the end. I want all of your description to look like that. Remember, it's easy to use simple "telling verbs" like "was, is," or "were." (There are many more, too) But true imagery, a truly set scene, comes from vivid verbs that SHOW what is going on, not tell.

Anywho, excellent job, you've done very well. For your text assignment, have your character get hungry. He will exit his room and begin looking for somewhere to eat. Describe the Dome as he wanders around looking for food. Remember, you can describe anything, like the Dome's appearance, the people walking around, anything.

Eventually, have your character find the cafeteria. He will get some food, and then sit down at an empty table. A hooded stranger will sit down with him shortly and begin a conversation with him. This stranger is not Orysius. The content of the conversation is up to you. End the post when it reaches a natural end. I say the word natural because I want you to feel as free as you can with the dialogue. Write as much as you want.

Isaac awoke a couple of hours later feeling a bit peckish. He left his room and began looking around for a place to get a meal. He stopped a Domerii.

"Do you know where I can get a meal around here?" Isaac asked.

"Just take the northeastern hall, turn right, and follow the hallway down," the Domerii answered. "You should reach the cafeteria then."

Isaac thanked the creature and let him go on. On his way to the cafeteria, Isaac took a look around while on his way there.

The Domerii were still running around, doing what was needed to be done, but he also saw other humans this time. Some looked at him and smiled, others grimaced, and many just went on their way. Many were armed, and even more seemed to be dealing with wounds. Isaac could have sworn he saw a couple limping.

As he walked down a hall, he saw two Domerii rolling a stretcher down towards him. Isaac moved aside, and as he saw the stretcher pass, he saw the faint outling of a body under the sheet of the stretcher. Isaac shuddered, and moved along. He wondered how he would turn up at the end of the day.....

He eventually reached the cafeteria. It was moderately empty that day. In the kitchen, Domerii were whipping up different dishes. Outside the kitchen was a small line of people, waiting to order their food.

Isaac ordered some soup and sat down to enjoy it. The heated soup warmed hs freezing body. After a few minutes, a hooded man appeared before him.

"Do you mind if I take a seat here?" the man asked.

"Not at all." Isaac replied.

The two young men enjoyed their meal in silence. Eventually, the hooded one spoke up.

"Are you new here?" he asked.

"Yeah, just got here." Isaac answered.

"I see..." the man said back.

"How long have you been here?" Isaac asked

"About a month," the man answered. "Orysius is teaching me well."

"Wait, Orysius?" Isaac said. "He's my teacher!"

"Well, what do you know!" the hooded man exclaimed. He stood up and removed his hood.

The man was white skinned. He had no hair, and bore a picture of an inverted cross on his forehead. The mark of the monks.

"My name is Valin Zenato," the monk said. "I guess we're classmates!"

"Isaac, Isaac Turnfalken," Isaac replied. "I'm glad we met."

The two young men began to speak, when suddenly, a bell chimed 4 times.

"4 times, that's Orysius's chime," Valin explained. "It's time for our afternoon training!"

Valin then leaped up from his chair and dashed towards the exit.

"Wait!" Isaac exclaimed, "Where do I go?"

"Just follow me!" Valin proclaimed before dashing off.

Isaac drank up the rest of his broth and dashed out the door towards Valin.

After they left, a veteran student sat down and chuckled.

"Those newbies......" He said to himself.......

Good, however, you're still not changing that period to a comma. Go through that post and edit all of the initial-quote periods to commas if you have a "he said/she said/Issac said," or anything like it following the initial quote. Also, go back and add a little more prose to places that seem simplified. An example of this is where he leaves his room, and when he goes and gets his food from the line in the cafeteria. You merely told us what happened, you didn't explain to us what was going on, what was going through Issac's head, what the cafeteria looked like. All of those are things to think of.

Remember, when you're writing, it's not enough to just tell your readers. You have to emmerse them in the world, show them the characters, and breathe life into the story you are presenting. You can't just say that something happened. You must show us that it happened. It can be as simple as changing "He left the house. It was sunny," to "Things had been getting a little stale in the house, so Daniel decided he'd take a stroll. The sun was rather bright outside, causing him to put a hand to his eyes for a moment, but he quickly adjusted. Time had flown, it seemed, as the early morning sunlight which had awoken him that morning had given way to a brilliant afternoon flare."

Don't get me wrong, though--you are doing extremely well! Even in these three short lessons, you have improved a great deal already. Post in here when you have made the corrections I requested, and I'll see if I can't get you started on your next assignment.

I fixed it up.

(at least I HOPE I did..........)

Alright, for the next lesson, I want to give you a little bit more practice on dialogue, but then I'll do something else too.

In this lesson, have Issac follow Valin through the Dome, and have Issac inquire about Valin's origin. This conversation should not be short--not obscenely long, but not short either. During the conversation, have Issac lose Valin in the hustle and bustle of the Dome. Without a guide, Issac will find his way to the Creature Grounds. Do not merely state that "Issac found his way to the Creature Grounds." Explain how he gets lost, explain his thoughts, describe describe describe the environment, anything and everything you can think of.

The Creature Grounds are a massive savanna with a few stray trees (essentially any picturesque image of an African plain ). Issac will enter, and wander for a bit, but will soon come across a higher tree. From this tree, he will hear someone say "Hello there." End the post there.

We're getting there, man! Keep it up, you're doing really well.