[Safer] Laila's Training

A light breeze whipped through the vibrant, golden blonde hair of a young elf maiden. A smile spread across her flawless lips as she stared across a grassy plain to the menacing shadows of the trees. The tall, tickling grass was up to the beauties hips and danced in tune with the wind. It was a dazzling sight in Laila's crisp ocean blue eyes. A perfect day for a lovely gallop.

Laila pursed her light pink lips together to give an angelic whistle to her horse. The vibrant, grey-colored stallion immediately raced across the plain to get to his master.

Laila smiled, "Hello Serias! I thought we would take a pleasing ride through the grass until we reach the forest. It is calling for me."

Laila, able to communicate with animals and nature, heard Serias' exhilarated response in her head. She laughed a musical laugh as she climbed upon the broad steed's back. Serias lunged forward the moment Laila had her bottom on the saddle. She laughed another light laugh leaning over the steeds neck. Every bulky muscle of the stallion could be felt stretching and contracting in a rhythm-like style.

The wind brushed the maiden's cheeks and ran through her glorious straight hair, blowing it back behind her. She loved moments like these. Moments she felt free of everything. Her lovely eyes closed, enjoying the free breeze, trusting Serias to get her to the dark forest.

The grey stallions movement slowed to a steady thumping walk. Laila's glittering blue eyes fluttered open to see trees all around her with a green glowing light where the sun tried but failed to break though the overhead growth.

The murmuring of the tree's voices ceased in her head. Serias and she finally rode into a clearing in the middle of the dark forest. Laila had been very familiar with this clearing before, but to her unexpected eyes a massive, grey, roundish building stood before her.

"What in the world is this?" Laila asked herself, "stay here Serias."

The horse obeyed as the maiden dismounted and curiously circled the building. She found one door, made of grey stone that with a rounded golden handle, that lead inside. Her angelic eyes looked from one side to the other as her curiosity got the best of her. Laila's delicate hand reached tentatively toward the handle. She grasped the golden handle, turned and opened the large door cautiously. Seeing no danger, she entered the massive dome.

OOC: OK it's done. I fell like I kind of rushed the ending, but I guess we'll see.

Welcome to the Intermediate Class. For starters, have a Domerii (the pale, short, humanoid servants of the Dome) explain the concept of the Dome to Laila and take her to her room. On the way there, I want you to describe the Dome. Remember, it appears differently for everyone, so use your imagination.

The reason I give you such an apparently trivial lesson is because I want you to work on subtle description. Your description in and of itself is good; it paints a fine picture. However, your overuse of adjectives has turned it into a bunch of wordy showing sentences, known in the internet writing world as Purple Prose.

So, when you write this next lesson describing the Dome, try and use fewer, more succinct adjectives. For example:

Instead of:

A light breeze whipped through the vibrant, golden blonde hair of a young elf maiden. A smile spread across her flawless lips as she stared across a grassy plain to the menacing shadows of the trees. The tall, tickling grass was up to the beauties hips and danced in tune with the wind. It was a dazzling sight in Laila's crisp ocean blue eyes. A perfect day for a lovely gallop.

Try taking a few of the adjectives out:

A light breeze whipped through the vibrant, golden blonde hair of a young elf maiden. A smile spread across her lips as she stared across a plain to the menacing shadows of the trees. The tall, tickling grass was up to the beauties hips and danced in tune with the wind. It was a dazzling sight in Laila's eyes. A perfect day for a gallop.

Good luck! :3

Laila was amazed at what was before her. Though the outside of the building was bland, the inside was exquisite. Red and gold drapes, with a swirled pattern, veiled the grey walls. A red and gold carpet, with the same swirling pattern, adorned the floor. The wood elf gasped at the sight in front of her.

The beauties blue eyes flashed in both directions, checking out her surroundings. It seemed to be an elongated hallway in each direction. Every few feet there was a table perching candles, and also along the walls were many candles lighting the hall brilliantly.

"Hello and welcome to the dome!" A small voice said tearing into the silence.

Laila started before seeing the short, chubby person in front of her. He was pale and held a huge smile spreading ear to ear on his face. The elf stared at him curiously. She had never seen anything like him before. His height was of a child, only coming to her slender hips. The person's skin was pale, paler than her own even, almost a white satin.

She looked at him tentatively, "Um, hello," she paused looking him in the eye, "what is this place?"

The person chuckled, "well didn't you hear what I just said? This is the dome. It's a school. I am called a Domerii, and my name is Demetrius," the Domerii paused a second to see if the elf maiden had a response. Laila continued to look at him quizzically so he continued, "now if you will please follow me we have been waiting for you. There is a room already prepared."

With that Demetrius turned on his heels and began to walk down the lengthy hallway. Hesitantly Laila followed. She was usually easy to trust people but she wasn't too sure about this guy. Her eyes scanned the hallway as they walked. The pattern of the drapes, carpet, and candles continued. But then Laila began to notice doors. Large, heavy looking, oak doors. Most of them had enormous brass numbers, and an equally vibrant handle.

The hallway was immense and slightly curving. It was eerily silent, no noise was made except the small footsteps of the Domerii in front of her.

"So you said this was a school? What kind of school and why me?" Laila finally worked up the courage to ask.

"Well young maiden, it is a battle school. To teach you how to better yourself with your weapons. I don't honestly know the true reason for why it picked you. No one does. The dome picks its students. I guess it saw fit that you should come here. And I should let you know that your horse, Serias, is well taken care of and stabled."

Laila just kept nodding. She was amazed at this new place she had discovered. Well that discovered her really. The wood elf was lost in thought about the wondrous building as she passed door, table, door, table until Demetrius abruptly stopped.

"This is your room miss. I will be helping to assist you in making you comfortable. Please let me know if you need anything," he stated as he opened the large wooden door with a brass twenty-one on it. He nodded and before Laila knew it, he was gone.

Laila entered the room and was utterly shocked when she saw that the room was accommodated for her. It had shimmery green, lacy drapes. An enormous full body mirror that was trimmed in gold. Her fingers traced across the beautiful pattern before walking further in the room. The carpet was also green and looked similar to a grassy plain. A huge bed sat at the far side of the room. The bed frame was golden just like the mirror, and the comforter that covered it was a lovely gold and forest green that had alternating squares decorating it.

"This is unbelievable!" Laila stated sitting on the incredibly comfortable bed in shock.


OoC: I hope this is better.

Good, though I want you to go back through that lesson and read it aloud. ONLY pause whenever you reach commas or other punctuation. You forgot to put in several commas, so I want you to go back and edit while reading aloud, putting commas where you believe they belong.

Also, when saying "it" in the possessive tense, you use no contraction. So, something belonging to "it" would be "its." If you're saying "it is," then it would be "it's."

Post in here when you have finished editing.

OK I finished editing, I just hope I caught everything.