[Safer] Tomahawk's Training

OoC:hey safer, its early in the morning, so my fingers are still kinda locked up, so try and forgive the occasional mispell..

BiC:A cool morning out at sea, shrouded in fog, a ship comes into port.
"All o' ya! Pay th' feh' to me firs' mate, Jibbs. I gave the man what silver i had left. "Oy, you! It's a gowald for the transpertatin'!" said Jibbs through a thick accent. I stared at him hard, and cold, chilling the man to his toes. A great expression of fear flew across his face, i released my glare, and he darted on board, not caring for the other patrons, who had to pay the toll.

Somewhere from behind the a sudden burst of screaming made me turn my head to look "I TELL YA' ITS ARTHAS HIMSELF!!!" screamed Jibbs, pointing at me. "incredible. This far from Azeroth , and they still know of Arthas.." i thought to myself, turning back towards the road and and began walking. Then i heard the his of steal on leather. "Oy', you! Maggit' man!" Jibbs called to me, with his crew. All armd with cutless', i was annoyed with myself for not leaving sooner.."ARMY OF THE DEAD, COME FORTH, AND FIGHT FOR ME! DO NOT ANSWER ME AND I WILL TORTURE YOU IN DEATH!" I bellowed. Deep in concentration, i has gladened to see the ground in front of me breaking. by the time a minute was up, an army of 10 skeletons, matching the 10 ship mates, had risen. With the haste and fury, that only death can bring, the skeletons charged them.

Breathing heavily i servayed the damage, and satisfied, i remembered i had payed to have a wolf tied near here. I found him and mounted, walking down the rode, then speeding up.I rode down the rode at a steady pace. After a stiff 2 hour ride, I saw a large dome. "This must be the place.." i said, thinking aloud. I entered one of the massive holes, that led inward. "About time you got here. I've been waiting for like an hour." said a voice behind a door in the tunnel.

Welcome to the Beginner Class. You've got a helluvalot more potential than I've seen in most beginners, so hopefully you won't follow the trend that they seem to have of leaving after their first assignment.

Alrighty, first and foremost, from now on, I want you to write your assignments in Microsoft Word. If you don't have that, please run your assignments through an online spellchecker. Now, I have a few basic grammar points that I'm going to help you with before you move on to the next lesson.

First off is the capitalization of "I." Always, always, always capitalize "I" if you are talking of yourself. This is especially important for you, seeing as how you are writing in first person.

Next is concerning this quote:

"incredible. This far from Azeroth , and they still know of Arthas.."

This was a thought, so instead of being in quotations, all you need to do is just italicize the entire thought like so:

...screamed Jibbs, pointing at me. incredible. This far from Azeroth , and they still know of Arthas.. i thought to myself, turning back...

The final thing I will have you work on for now is dialogue spacing. Basically, whenever someone speaks, their dialogue should get a new paragraph all to its own. For example:

Instead of this:

"What are you talking about?" Dane asked. George looked at him strangely. "Don't you get it?" he said. Dane was still confused. "No, I don't," he said, "that's why I'm asking, you idiot." The two paused for a moment and then laughed, continuing down the riverbed. It was a pretty day, and everything around them was laced with the fragrances of spring.

Try this:

"What are you talking about?" Dane asked.

George looked at him strangely. "Don't you get it?" he said.

Dane was still confused. "No, I don't," he said, "that's why I'm asking, you idiot."

The two paused for a moment and then laughed, continuing down the riverbed. It was a pretty day, and everything around them was laced with the fragrances of spring.



I think you can see what I mean by that example, but if you're still confused, ask me via PM.

Now! For your next lesson, have your character enter the Dome and stumble upon a Domerii. Domerii are pale, short, humanoid butlers of the Dome. This particular Domerii will find your character, explain the concept of the Dome, and will tell him that your character will be taught by a man named Orysius Solian. Then, the Domerii will lead you to your room. End your post once you enter your room and describe it.

Speaking of description, be sure to describe the Dome a bit in your post. The Dome appears differently on the inside to everyone, so your imagination can be as wild as you want. Looking forward to teaching you, bro!

OoC: thanks fo taking the time to teach me safer =D!! and yeah, i have a hard time remember to capitilize Is...(there i go again!....Im bad at this XD)
BiC: "You there come here! Yes yes, you the tall cow man!" said a small pale man in a dress suit.

"Im a Tauren, of mulgore." I said with an aggrivated look on his face.

"Does it honestly matter?" the man said with an equilly aggrivated face."Anyways, go farther in and take a look around...Then once your done, come back in this tunnel and in this door and take a left near the end of the hall way. Oh, and a man named Orysius Solian will be training you." the man said, before quickly erecting himself and walking down the hall. I walked just a short way, and I came upon a vast igloo shaped area.

Dusty, with discarded weapons, along with practice dummys, it smelt of sweat and blood. There was a large track, obviously for running or mount riding, it was long and curvey at points, to train the mount on quick movements and sharp turns. There was a small well for drinking, and large lanterns everywhere, keeping the relativly dark area well lit. Up at the center of the roof, there was a 5x5ft hole for letting in light during the day. Taking in the vastness of the training ground to its fullest, I returned to the tunnel and followed where the man had said. Behind the door, there was a small bed, by Tauren standards, along with a large armour, for holding armarments. A table, with 2 chairs, and a small fire place, for keeping the freezing room warm.

Before I could even take a step, another small man, like the one before, came into the room, threw some firewood into the fireplace, lit it and then dropped a water skin, a mug of ale, and a small portion of roasted pork. "Enjoy." the small man said with the feintest of smiles. I quickly inhaled the pork, drank deeply from the skin, and picked up the mug, and dragged one of the chairs to the fire, and sipped happily.

Enjoying the ale, I decided to take out my pipe. I packed in some silverleef and lit it, inhaling deeply, I took another large swig of ale. Soon, my ale was empty, and my pipe was full of nothing but ash. So getting tired I dumped out the ashes into a small tray on the table, and put my dinnerware on the table, crawled into the small bed, and drifted into a dreamless sleep.

Much, much better. It looks a lot clearer with the dialogue spacing; well done. Now, I'll remind you again, please try and write your assignments in Microsoft Word. (I can tell by your quotation marks when you don't. ) Also, I want you to look through your assignment and find all the sentence fragments you can find, and correct them. Sentence fragments are sentences that have a subject but no predicate, or a predicate but no subject. That is, it's something like this: "Lot's of water." or "He was."

So, go back through this assignment and look for all the incomplete sentences you had, and correct them. Also, another very important thing is consistency in person. What I mean by this is, you need to either stick to third person (Tom walked down the street) or first person (I walked down the street). You changed person quite a few times in there, so go back and edit to make sure you are always in one person. It's generally the norm for people in the Role Playing world to write in third person, though first person is acceptable if you really want to.

Post in here when you have completed this.

OoC: okie dokes. i think i fixed all the messed up things(and whats so important about microsoft word?)

Microsoft Word will take care of nearly all your misspellings, plus it makes everything look pretty.

Now, look through your assignment again. There are still some incomplete sentences. :3

ok i know his is like the fifteenhundredth time ive said it, but im pretty sure i got it.

Alright, that'll do. Next, I want Tom to get bored and go exploring. He's gonna find his way to the gardens, which are essentially a huge hedge maze under a big overcast sky. There's a fountain in the center but it's nearly impossible to find without a guide. That's why Tom will stumble upon a fairy that will lead him to the center. Describe everything, including your conversations with the fairy.

This fairy is not nice. She's very snappy, witty, and will laugh at you for no apparent reason. She has a dry sense of humor. So, have fun. :3

next assignment,
BiC:After weeks of training, smoking, eating, drinking, I was getting restless. One morning, after breakfast, I decided to take a look around outside of the dome. I walked around the back, to find a massive garden. Wow! This place is huge…. I thought as I walked closer. Walking just a little bit in, I felt something unusual…warmth. The warmth I felt so many years ago, before I became a lich. I walked on into the maze of flowers and grass. I should go back. I thought as I turned around. Retracing my steps to the inch, I found nothing but more flowers.

What?! Surely I went the right way! Heading back a few turns, I went the opposite way. Only to find more and more flowers, at that I was angered quickly. “Raah!!” I yelled at myself and the flowers.
“Aggravated?” said a high voice behind me. “You’ll never find your way out” a small sprite said with an evil smile, and wicked laugh.

“You don’t know who you’re laughing at, runt!” I half yelled pulling my katana from my back.

“Oooooh, b-big, s-scary cow s’gonna hurt ‘widdle me” she said in a mockative tone.

“Rah!” I yelled swinging my katana at the small creature. She easily dropped and dodged it

“Oooh, nice tooth pick.” The sprite said, sticking out her tongue. Literally fuming now, I used my icy chains to capture her. “Hey! Lemme go you stupid looking steak!” she bellowed, aggravated that, she now was the butt of the joke.

“No, I think I’ll just run you through.” I said with a malicious grin now on my face.

“WAIT! I can get you out of here!” I pondered her offer for a few seconds.

“Alright, but you stay chained.” I told her. We wove there miles upon miles of flowers and grass, “Hey, this doesn’t feel like we’re heading out…it feels like we’re heading in” I said, constricting the chains around her


“Hold your chops. We’re almost there…Hello there!” she said, as we saw a giant circle, with a marvelous fountain in the center. The water gushed from the top of an open flower bud, spurts coming out, of all different colors.
“Go ahead..take a drink” said the sprite. Suspicious, I walked closer, slowly. I drank a small gulp, and had the feeling I was falling.

“Sir, breakfast is served.” Said one of the Domerii. “You were found drinking from the fountain’s waters. Best not do that again unless you feel like dying.” The man said.
OoC: sorry bout how its like one big chunk of paragraph.. first time with word..

Good, however, keep in mind that even though you're writing in Word, you still need to code your italics. Remember that thoughts are always italicized. Also, in proper format, you're expected to double space between paragraphs. That is, instead of:

This is a paragraph I am writing and I think it will be kind of short though I am writing it anyway words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup they slither while they pass they slip away across the universe etc etc etc
Blahblahblah this is the next paragraph for the example yadda yadda yadda continuing the paragraph insert essential beatles lyrics here...

Try:

This is a paragraph I am writing and I think it will be kind of short though I am writing it anyway words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup they slither while they pass they slip away across the universe etc etc etc.

Blahblahblah this is the next paragraph for the example yadda yadda yadda continuing the paragraph insert essential beatles lyrics here...

Note how there is a single line of white space in between the paragraphs. So, I'd like you to go back through your previous lesson and correct all of the errors I stated above.

aight, fixed it(yeah, heheh i thought just italisizing it in word'd work, sorreh!)

Better, but keep in mind that dialogue must be double spaced as well. Edit that and I'll give you another lesson.

Hai! safa-san....ahem, Viola! fixed

Alright, that'll do. Just keep in mind that whenever you do spaces between ANY form of paragraph, it should always always always be double spaced. Now, for your next lesson, have that Domerii lead you through from the fountain and to the cafeteria. On your way, pass through the Dome's library. The library is a massive thing with doors on its sides, due to the fact that it extends farther than the horizon. The shelves are incredibly high, nearly a hundred feet each. Have the Domerii explain the importance of these libraries. Enter the cafeteria, have Tom get a meal, and then have him sit down. A hooded stranger will ask to speak with him. End your post there.

“Now sir, please follow me. I will show you to the Cafeteria.” said the Domerii.

“Uh, right.” I said, rubbing my head. We walked for what seem over an hour. just when I was about to ask if he was lost, we came out of the gardens. Walking back around the Dome we entered a different hole, with a long hallway. On our way down, I noticed a door ajar. I went to close it, but I peeked inside. There I saw massive shelves of books, that looked like the stretched on forever.

“Beautiful, isn’t it?” the Domerii asked.

“Sure is.” I said. “How big is this library?” I asked, turning to the man

“Oh, nobody knows. But it’s said that the ancients themselves wrote half the books here.” The man said, I replied with a long whistle. “Now sir, don’t want your breakfast to get cold do you?” the butler said with a smile. Over the time id been here, the butler and I had formed a type of friendship. Just a short 5 minute walk and we were in the cafeteria. It was a small area, similar to a tavern. At the bar, there was a large chunk of boar meat, and a small keg of ale. “My I sit here?” I man in a hooded cloak asked, as he sat down beside me at the bar.

Alright, very well done! You've improved drastically in just one day. (Take that, English class!)

There are two things which I want to address now, and those are dialogue format and run ons.

Dialogue format is a fairly simple concept to learn. For starters, always end dialogue with a comma, then go to the identifier. (Identifiers are the "he said," "she said," "he asked," "she asked," etc. things.) So, don't end with a period. For example:

Instead of this:

"That's very interesting." Blake said.

Try:

"That's very interesting," Blake said.

See the comma? When you have an identifier, it's treated like part of the dialogue, so you need to make it fluidly attached to the dialogue itself. Now, if you have a question mark or an exclamation point, don't put the comma. That is:

"What did he do?" he asked.

or

"That's so funny!" he said.

The above examples are the correct format of questions or exclamations. Now, typically identifiers are placed to do just that, identify. So, you put them at the start of a quote, and generally continue the quote afterwards. This is how you do that:

Say I want a character to say "Wow, you've really got some skill." Now, let's say that because of the narrative before it, it isn't clear who is speaking. So, I'd use an identifier at a reasonable pause (like a comma), then place a comma at the end of the identifier, and continue on. It's a bit confusing, so let's break it into steps.

Step one:

"Wow," he said

We've chosen the pause where we'll put the identifier. Now, if the speaker was simply saying "Wow," by itself, you would end with a period after the identifier. But, we have more! So, instead of putting a period...

Step two:

"Wow," he said,

We put a comma at the end of "he said." Now there is fluid room to continue to...

Step three:

"Wow," he said, "you've really got some skill."

Now we have completed the quote. Also, for identifiers, you are free to use "Tom said," or something of the like. It doesn't have to just be "he said."

I know that's a lot to take in at once, so if you're confused at all, PM me and I'll clear it up.



Secondly, I'd like to tackle run-ons. Run-ons are sentences that have too many words, too many thoughts, and generally just too many everythings. Some examples of run ons in your work would be:

We walked for what seem over an hour, just when I was about to ask if he was lost, we came out of the gardens.

I went to close it, but I peeked inside, there I saw massive shelves of books, that looked like the stretched on forever.

The correct way to do these thoughts would be to break them into sentences, like so:

We walked for what seemed over an hour. Just when I was about to ask if he was lost, we came out of the gardens.

and

I went to close it, but I peeked inside. There I saw massive shelves of books that looked like they stretched on forever.

Just reread your work and try and figure out where sentences have lingered for too long. Also, be sure to always reread your work out loud to yourself before you post it. That will help you get rid of not only run ons, but also many other things.

Now, for your next lesson, I want Tom to converse with that man so that you may practice your dialogue skills. Eventually have Tom get up with the man and go for a short walk around the Dome. You'll enter more eccentric halls than Tom has seen before, so be sure to practice your descriptive skills. And watch out for run ons!

Also, for practice, this lesson needs to be 600 words or more. You can figure out wordcount by going into Word and finding Tools>Wordcount. Good luck!

OoC: ok, i've fixed the mistakes in my last assignment, and i have writen the next part.

BiC: “Hello,” said the cloaked man, “Nice morning isn’t it?”

“Sure, I guess” Tom said with a shrug. I took a large bite out of the meat. Today’s meals are exceptional… I thought while chewing the delicious meat.

“So, you come here looking for training?” the cloaked figure asked.

“I suppose so.” I replied, not wanting to continue the conversation.

“So where are you from?” the cloaked man asked

“Azeroth, Ebon hold to be specific.” I replied.

“Hmm…That’s quite a distance you’ve traveled,” the cloaked man commented, “So, what kind of weapon do you prefer?”

“Dai-Katana.” I said, still trying to end the conversation.

“Want to talk a walk around the grounds?” the cloaked man asked out of the blue

“Why not…” I said with an exasperated sigh. So I drained the last of my ale, we got up, and walked out of the bar.

“Would you like to see the opera room?” the cloaked man asked, and I simply nodded. We took 2 left turns, then a right, bringing us to two large doors with a lock on them. “I nicked the key” the cloaked man said with a sly grin. He unlocked the door, and we went in. Behind those doors, was a room, 3 times as large as the training area. It had a huge stage crafted of oak wood, with many props, and the giant red curtain. In front of the stage, there were large dining tables, with fine goblets and silverware, inlaid with fine jewels.

“You like it?” asked the cloaked figure.

“It’s alright I guess. I’m not much of a music fan. Though I didn’t show it, I was astonished by all the things in the room, it completely confounded me how people could make such life like backgrounds and props.

“Somewhere else now?” said the man. We left the room, and lock it back, and headed through the halls, coming to a rather tall and wide door. The man opened the door and we both entered. All of a sudden there was a burst of warmth, I looked for the source and found a burning forge. Looking around the room I found it to be an armory. There were swords, daggers, polearms, axes, maces, shields, armor, and even fishing poles, of all shapes, sizes, and colors. But it was one, two-handed Broad sword that caught my eye. I walked up to it, and took it off the wall

“Hey, careful with that!” yelled a man behind the forge. It was a tall, well muscled tanned bearded man. “Unless you want to buy It.” He said.

“Sorry,” I said, “It’s just a fine piece of weaponry.” I said as I examined the tall sword. It was cast of cobalt and hardened steal. The hilt was wrapped in leather from a frost wyrm, with gems planted into the cross guard.

“Ah,” said the smith, “The cobalt wyrm is my favorite piece.” The smith sighed with a smile on his face, remembering the day he made it. “Anyway, mind getting out? I never let anyone observe me working.” The smith said. At that me and the man walked out.

“Hmm… im tired. Are you tired?” the man asked as we walked down the hallway. I only replied with a shrug. “Alright, let’s get lunch, then im going to take a nap. We headed back to the bar and he ordered a bowl of soup, and a pint of ale.

“I need something stronger today,” I said. “ ‘Gimme a chunk of your hottest chicken wings, and the strongest drink you got!” I said ready to sleep the rest of the day away.

Alright, good, just watch your comma usage. You've left quite a few out. Also, be sure to italicize thoughts. This is very important.

Since you've gone so long without a lesson, I'm just going to give you what I can so you have SOMETHING to do. Have Tom enter what is called the Mirror Room, in which he will see mirrors that depict within them events from the viewer's life. Have Tom reminisce over these events and think about where he's going from here on. I want it to be long and introspective, as this will be a practice of thoughtful posts.