[Safer] Crackle's Training

Crackle tapped his fingers impatiently on the wall behind him. He looked up at the display above the elevator. It was still on the third floor.

I should've taken the stairs. Crackle was in a hotel hallway waiting for the elevator. The hallway was cream colored and there were wooden doors along the halls, about five inches apart. The carpet was forest green.

I could've sent aura to my legs and got to my room faster. The elevator was now on the second floor. The second floor was also where his room was. Crackle was anxious for two reasons. One was that this part of the hotel was non-smoking and the other was he couldn't quite shake the feeling that someone was watching him.

Of course they're watching me, they have cameras. No, security cameras don't give me chills. This place is sorta cold though. He vigorously rubbed his hands together and then breathed into them. He would try to remember not to wear sandals the next time he went out. Crackle was wearing his regular summer clothes: a white T-shirt, jeans, and sandals.

Ding!

The elevator had arrived. A short, bald man wearing glasses stepped out. The entire elevator filled with luggage, presumably his.

"Sir, could you help me carry this luggage?" the man asked. By his accent, Crackle judged he was from France.

"No. I'd like to get to my room," he replied. "Please remove your luggage out of the elevator or I will call for the manager."

"Please don't, sir!"

"Why not?"

"I'll pay you to help me carry it!" he said desperately, pulling out his wallet.

Crackle wasn't one to turn down easy money. He sent aura to his arms and legs to pick up all the luggage in one go.

***

Crackle was resting in his room. His back ached because he hadn't sent any aura to it when carrying the Frenchman's bags. It was a throbbing pain. Every second or so it pulsed and pain spread along it. He was sending aura to it which eased the pain some, but not by much. He decided to walk off the pain. He'd heard there was a good cafe some blocks down. It would hopefully make a nice late dinner. He pulled on his jacket and boots slowly, making sure no to bend his back much. He was about to snuff out his cigarette in the ashtray when the lights went out.

"Dammit," he said as he heard things being dropped in other rooms. He snuffed out his cigarette and inched out of his room and into the hallway. He couldn't see but felt other people milling in the hallway. The Aura Adept took out his lighter and lit it to shed some light. It was still dark but windows at the end of the hallway gave it some moonlight. He pushed his way through the crowd and ended up at the stairs. He ran downstairs two at a time, sending some aura to his legs. He didn't send much in case he needed it for later.

Just as he'd suspected, everyone was complaining to the manager at the Lobby. It was all about interruptions and dropped valuables. Crackle decided to be the sensible one and asked what had happened.

The manager answered him, "A fuse blew. As you may have noticed, this hotel is quite old. Built in-"

"I don't care when it was built. Is anyone going to go replace the fuse?" he said impatiently.

"Well, er... no. No one wants to."

Most of the people had stopped talking and started to back away by now. Some even proceeded to return to their rooms.

"I'll go. Is it a switch fuse or screw-in?"

"A screw-in. There's a box labeled 'FUSES' there. You'll need a green one."

"Got anything to help me see? Lantern, flashlight, something like that?"

The man set a candle on the desk. "You can use this."

Crackle picked it up and began to walk toward the basement.

"Do be quick, please," the manager called from the desk.

"Why the rush?"

"Quite honestly, I don't like the dark much," he said timidly.

"Oh," said Crackle surprised.

***

The basement smelled horrible. The first thing he noticed when he opened the trapdoor was the smell. It smelled like something had died down there. Crackle didn't doubt that something had died. It was also very damp and the ceiling was dripping a brownish green liquid. Crackle tried to not think about what was dripping on him as he searched for a green fuse. He found the box and set down the candle beside it. There weren't very many green fuses. Crackle saw two but they were at the bottom of the box and were very wet. He decided it would be a bad idea to put a wet fuse in an electric outlet. He saw a green fuse near the top of the pile and went to grab it when the light suddenly went out.

"****!" he yelled. Some of the ceiling's drips had landed on the candle flame, extinguishing the flame. He pulled out his lighter and lit it. It gave him enough light to find the fuse. It was very bright green. It was also completely dry. He twisted the fuse in and on the final turn his lighter's flame went out. He figured his hand had slipped and tried to light it again. He checked and found there was still lighter fluid and he remembered putting in a new flint yesterday. He'd check it out when he returned upstairs. The reason why he was down in the basement suddenly came back to him.

Why aren't the lights on? Could the basement just not have lights? Or the lights need replacing?. He looked up and saw no light bulb sockets. There was a thin stream of light through the crack in the trapdoor though. He heard thumping coming from it. He walked towards it and the thumping grew louder.

He opened the trapdoor slowly and whispered, "What is this place?"

OoC: I hope you like.

Welcome to the Intermediate Class. Your work was good, but there are a few things I need to address. Apologies if I seem like I'm hammering, but these things are best nipped in the bud.

Point one: Formality.

Crackle was so anxious for two reasons. One was that this part of the hotel was non-smoking and the other was he couldn't quite shake the feeling that someone was watching him.

Right here, you break formality in your prose. (Prose is another word for narrative.) Simply take out the "so," and you're good. Now, in addition to formality, you shouldn't list things in such a way that it seems as if you're saying "Okay, so, this is this. And this is why. And this is why, too!" A better way to do this would be "Crackle was anxious due to the non-smoking policy of the hotel, not to mention the fact that he couldn't quite shake the feeling that someone was watching him." Just try and think about what is formal and what is not, and always, always, always read your work out loud to yourself after finishing. This'll help you see if something sounds awkward.

Point Two: Loose ends.

He sent aura to his arms and legs to pick up all the luggage in one go.

Always try and take into account your surroundings when using magic or other things that may not be of the norm. How did the Frenchman react to seeing the aura being used? And perhaps aura-channelling is not a visible process, but still, then Frenchman would likely be surprised by the fact that Crackle lifted all of that luggage in one go. Just be sure to always take in what other people see and describe it.

Point Three: Telling Sentences vs. Showing Sentences.

He rubbed his hands together and blew in them. He would try to remember not to wear sandals the next time he went out. Crackle was wearing his regular summer clothes: a white T-shirt, jeans, and sandals.

and

Crackle was up in his room. His back ached because he hadn't sent any aura to it when carrying the Frenchman's bags. He was sending aura to it which eased the pain some, but not by much. He decided to take a walk around the city. He'd heard there was a good cafe some blocks down. It would make a nice late dinner. He pulled on his jacket and boots. He was about to snuff out his cigarette in the ashtray when the lights went out.

and

The basement smelled bad. The first thing he noticed when he opened the trapdoor was the smell. It smelled like something had died down there. Crackle didn't doubt that something had died. It was also very damp and the ceiling was dripping. Crackle tried to not think about what was dripping on him as he searched for a green fuse. He spied the box and set down the candle beside it. There weren't very many green fuses. Crackle saw two but they were at the bottom of the box and were very wet. He decided it would be a bad idea to use a wet fuse. He saw a green fuse near the top of the pile and went to grab it when the light suddenly went out.

Telling sentences are exactly that: sentences that tell. "He was happy." "He killed him." "He smacked him around with a large trout." Now, showing sentences are sentences that SHOW these things with descriptive prose. "His eyes were brimming with happiness." "Regret filled him as he looked down on the slain man before him." "Grasping the fins of a nearby trout, he vigorously beat the man."

The examples from your post I've provided above consist nearly if not completely of telling sentences. In addition to the next lesson I'm going to provide for you, I would like you to go back through the three examples I provided and try and do as much with the telling sentences as you can. Try and paint a picture in my mind. You don't have to do it with every single telling sentence; that in itself can be bad. But, try doing it with as many of the telling sentences you can. If you have to break it into two or even three paragraphs due to length, do so. PM me this when you're done.

For your next lesson, enter the Dome. Crackle will stumble upon a Domerii, a short, pale servant of the Dome. This Domerii will explain the concept of the Dome to Crackle, lead Crackle to his room, and explain to him that he wil soon meet his teacher, Orysius. The purpose of this lesson is to practice descriptive skills. Go whacko on the descriptive prose of the Dome. Remember: the Dome appears differently for everyone who sees it, so you're welcome to use as much imagination as possible. And remember! SHOW me what it's like, don't tell me!

I await your next lesson.

Crackle stepped into a large room. In place of the expected lobby Crackle looked at a large room full of people walking around at various paces. Crackle took a few more timid steps to the center of the room. His eyes widened in surprised at the transformation of the lobby but the people surprised him most. Most seemed humanoid in shape, though others resembled rocks, plants and other objects few would think of. After seeing some of the more exotic people, Crackle turned to go back down the trapdoor. Once again his eyes widened when he saw it vanish. More surprisingly, a rose sprouted in place of the trapdoor handle. It grew at an alarming rate, reaching its full height in seconds. Instinct told Crackle that rose wouldn't die for awhile.

Crackle didn't care for the room. It seemed quite mis-matched. The bricks making up the room varied in color, size, and sometimes shape. Crackle stepped off the soft earth of garden that surrounded the perimeter of the room and onto the sandy trail, where he required more effort to walk without sinking into the soft sand. He made his way though the sandy floor to an extremely large oak tree whose branches blocked out the sun streaming in from the open roofed room. A few bumped shoulders and stepped toes later, Crackle arrived at the tree. He wanted to just catch his breath but ended up sinking to the soft sand and falling asleep.

Crackle awoke due to a weight on his knee. Cracking open his eyes, he spotted a small man sitting on his left knee. The man wore a nice clean suit and black bow tie. He held himself with good posture, giving off a sense of importance. He looked at Crackle's squinted sleepy eyes with his bright blue ones. On his head was a small black hat and on his feet small black shoes.

"Hello sir," said the small man. "I'm a Domerii, a servant of The Dome." The Domerii extended his hand.

Crackle extended his right pinkie finger slowly. The Domerii shook it as Crackle said, "Hello, I'm Crackle. What's 'The Dome'?"

"The Dome is a place where many people from all over the universe come to train under extremely skilled teachers. Your teacher's name is Orysius, by the way. He sent me to show you to your room." The little man jumped off Crackle's leg and started walking towards a hallway. He was surprised when Crackle didn't follow. He turned back, asking, "Shall we go?"

"Oh," Crackle said, embarrassed. He was still in shock and hadn't realized he was meant to follow the Domerii.

The path had so many twists and turns that Crackle stopped keeping track after the twentieth. He wondered how the little man could navigate the hallways so precisely. He decided it would be useful information to know.

"How do you know where to go? I've lost track of where we've gone."

"See that door?" the Domerii said as he pointed to a large violet door. "It's violet and has odd etchings on the bottom. No other door like it. The same can be said for all of these. Sometimes the markings on a door can tell you what's inside it."

"Oh. Do you know what my door looks like?"

"I'm sorry to say that I don't. I was given the instructions based on what the doors around it look like."

"That's fine."

They walked for about one more hour when the Domerii called out, "Stop. I found it"--and motioned to a blue door. It was the color of the ocean. The door knob was silver with diamond screws.

"I'll leave you here. Enjoy your stay," he said as he bowed and slowly walked backwards into the shadows of a potted plant.

Crackle opened the door apprehensively. Directly in front of the doorway stood a large blue comfortable-looking bed. It seemed the room centered around the color blue: dark blue carpet, sky blue ceiling, ocean blue walls and painted blue decorations on some furniture. Crackle resisted the urge to fall down and sleep on the soft deep carpet where he stood. He turned to close the door and noticed a nice coat hanger that doubled as a shoe rack. He slipped his shoes off, placed them on the rack, then removed his coat and hung it on a hook. Beside the bed sat a small table which held a lamp, an ashtray, and an alarm clock. Crackle opened a drawer built into the table and discovered it stocked to the brim with his favorite brand of cigarettes. On the right side of the room sat a wardrobe that Crackle found full of his usual outfit: white T-shirts and jeans. In the corner beside it stood a small desk with paper and pens. On the left side of the room, Crackle saw a blue door similar to the door to his room except it slid open.

Crackle yawned. I'm too tired to explore now. Maybe in the morning. He yawned again and plopped himself on the soft bed. He let out a groan of satisfaction and fell sleep almost instantly.


OoC: Your turn teacher.

Alrighty.

Crackle slowly walked through the door. Instead of the hotel's hallway he was expecting to see, he found himself in a large circular room. The trapdoor was hidden in a bed of flowers. It seemed that a garden surrounded the room's perimeter. There were many people walking around Crackle. He looked behind him and saw the trapdoor had disappeared, replaced by a beautiful red rose. No one took notice of Crackle as he walked through the Dome. It was a much larger room than he had thought. You could fit two large buildings in it. It was made of a very smooth granite. There were species that Crackle had never even imagined walking around him. There were some with blue skin, and a few who were only as tall as his knee; the majority of people were humans, though. Crackle had absentmindedly started walking toward a large oak tree in the middle of the room. The oak was a glorious sight--it provided much shade in the hot room. He sat down by the tree and closed his eyes. He felt pressure on his leg and opened his eyes to find a small man, roughly the size of Crackle's foot, standing on his leg. Except for his size and white skin, he seemed to be human. He had white hair, blue eyes, and he wore a miniature suit.

Crackle slowly turned the doorknob, opened the door, and entered. The first thing he noticed when he walked in was a large bed with dark blue covers. The pillows were white and very comfortable. Beside the bed was a small table. On top of it was a small alarm clock. The carpet was a whitish-blue and the walls were similar but more blue than white. Beside him was a wooden pole with a small hook extending out from it. Crackle took off his jacket and put it on the hook. He looked around and saw a mahogany wardrobe with two drawers below it. To the left was a door that looked like the one leading to his room except instead of a knob, it had a carved indention that slid open. To the right was an oak desk. It held pencils and paper for any drawings or writings that he cared to do. He decided to see what was behind the other door later and walked to the bed. He kicked off his shoes lazily and got on the bed. He let out a groan of satisfaction and fell asleep.

I want you to completely rewrite these two paragraphs without using any helping verbs. Helping verbs, 90% of the time, mean telling sentences. So, you may not use any of the following verbs in your rewrites:

may
might
must
be
being
been
am
are
is
was
were
do
does
did
should
could
would
have
had
has
will
can
shall


Don't just exchange the helping verbs you've already got for other words. I want you to rewrite the two paragraphs in their entirety.

I've edited them in. Hope you like it.

goodgoodgoodgoodgoodgoodgood!

NOW. Have Crackle find a note from Orysius that reads:

To my new student,

You'll find me in the Volcano Room. It's a bit steamy so I suggest wearing something a slight more breezy than what you're currently donning. Also, bring some gloves, because I like to climb.

Cheers,

Orysius

PS: The Dome will help you find your way. Don't worry.

So, after recieving this note, have Crackle find his way to the Volcano Room. Inside, there is nothing but a barren wasteland with a single massive volcanic mountain. There is a large platform floating atop the volcano's crater, and since Orysius is nowhere to be seen, Crackle should head up to the top. End your post with him hearing a voice from atop the platform when he reaches the brim of the crater.

Now, keep in mind that this volcano is very active. We're talking OoT Death Mountain active. You're going to be dodging **** left and right, so I expect a lot of descriptive action imagery. You are free to once again use helping verbs, because too many showing sentences leads to purple prose (too much description). However, DO NOT abuse the privilege.

Crackle awoke feeling rested and refreshed. He now appreciated how much work had gone into his room. The ceiling that he'd thought to just be sky blue was actually varying shades of blue. After looking at it for a while, he noticed that the clouds were moving.

It must change with the weather. Sleeping during a storm will suck, Crackle thought as he climbed out of bed. Though he was refreshed from sleep, there was a distinct feeling of lack of nicotine in his head. He retrieved a fresh pack of cigarettes from the cigarette drawer and lit one. The relieved man walked towards the blue sliding door as he was curious to what was in it. It was well greased and opened easily. Crackle recognized it as a training room. He saw a few targets and dummies. Walking out of the room, he noticed a note on his desk. Crackle liked the thin military style writing. It read:

To my new student,

You'll find me in the Volcano Room. It's a bit steamy so I suggest donning something a slight more breezy than what you're currently wearing. Also, bring some gloves, because I like to climb.

Cheers,

Orysius

PS: The Dome will help you find your way. Don't worry.

He seems nice but you can't tell much from just a note. He said to wear something lighter. I'll ask one of those little Domerii about it. Crackle walked out of his room and immediately saw a Domerii, who was identical to the one he had seen the night before except this one had brown eyes.

"Sir! Wait, please!" he called.

The small man approached Crackle and asked, "What do you need, young sir?"

"I'd like some lighter clothes and a place to put my jacket. It's kinda sentimental."

"I'll get to that. Just wait here sir," he said as he walked down the hall.

"Oh wait!"

"Something else sir?"

"Just a few. There will be clothes on my bed that are dirty, please clean them up if possible. I'd like a pair of gloves too. Lastly, where can I find the Volcano Room?"

"I'll get on the first two. I'm not exactly sure about a Volcano Room. As you've been told, each door is different. I'd expect it to have a red door with some flame design." said the man.

"Oh. Thanks." Crackle said weakly as the little man walked away.

******

Only five minutes had passed since the Domerii left before he returned with a pair of denim shorts, a white sleeveless shirt, and a pair of brown leather gloves.

"I believe this is everything you asked for, sir," he said as he handed everything to Crackle.

"What about storage for my jacket?"

"The pockets of these shorts have an endless amount of space. Your jacket will fit snuggly there."

"Nifty."

"Your clothes will be washed by the time you return also."

"Thanks," he said as he went to his room to get dressed. After putting the new clothes on he felt much less warm. His shorts ended a bit below his knees and there was a very small bulge in his right pocket that he knew to be his jacket. He wore his ring over the glove in case he needed any aura while climbing. Crackle set off down the hallway to his left. Crackle wandered through the Dome, guessing which way to go at every turn. Finally, he found a door that fit the description given by the Domerii.

He opened the red door and a warm breeze rippled his shirt slightly. After actually entering the room, it became much hotter and he began to sweat lightly. The volcano loomed over him. It had an odd design: the first quarter sloped upward, the next two quarters were two vertical walls separated by a level of horizontal rock, giving it a stacked look. The last quarter was an even steeper slope than the first quarter. The volcano sat about fifty yards away from him. He began walking so he could save energy for the rough climb. When he was about ten yards away from the volcano, he noticed the ground was shaking slightly. The shaking grew more and more pronounced until Crackle knelt down to keep himself from falling over. A large orange-hot rock flew out of the mouth of the volcano. The ground stopped shaking but then shook again when the large rock hit the ground to the right of the volcano base.

Those'll be bad when I'm climbing up those vertical sections, he thought as he began walking again. The ground shook a few more times as he walked on but no more rocks came forth. He began walking up the steep slope which spanned about one hundred yards. The ground shook once more and spit out five rocks. At the rate they were flying through the air, the four small ones would box him in and the large fifth would crush him. He quickly dived forward and in mid-air, whipped out his jacket, covering himself with it. There were four thumps then a louder fifth one shortly after. He took the jacket off himself and looked behind to see the smoking rocks four feet behind him. They gave off a reddish-orange glow.

The rest of the trudge up the slope passed uneventfully except for some smoke coming from the top of the volcano. Crackle arrived at the first of ten vertical sections of the volcano. While climbing, Crackle noticed the rock had many hand holds but it also cracked easily and several times it came off completely. There were also a few scary moments when the volcano erupted. Crackle reached the horizontal portion and rested.

Only nine more of those, he thought then sighed. The eruptions occurred with more frequency now. This caused Crackle to send more aura to his hands and feet so he wouldn't lose his grip. He was now on the last vertical section of rock. Suddenly, there was the largest shaking of all and an orange-hot rock flew from the rock and came straight for Crackle. He let go of his hand grip and then grabbed on again when he had fallen halfway down the section. When the rock hit where Crackle had been moments before, it broke into ten little pieces. He dodged them then began climbing again. He took a moment to catch his breath on the edge of the flat section when another rumble almost threw him off. Now rocks were spewing out faster than Crackle could count. He ran to the steep slope in a zig-zag pattern to better avoid the rocks. The trudge up the rock-spewing volcano continued. Crackle's legs began to tire, forcing him to send aura to them. Eventually, he drew aura from his belt to prevent himself from collapsing. He finally reached the top and looked down into the churning depths of the volcano. The shades of orange, red, yellow, and white all moved apart frequently to let a hot rock flow through. The heat made Crackle sweat heavily. He looked up to see a metal platform suspended a few feet above the volcano.

Probably saved me a bit of trouble by blocking off some rocks.

A voice came from atop the platform. "Jump Crackle. Jump here," it said.

"No," he replied.

"Why not?" it asked.

"Mostly due to the lava pit beneath me," he replied smugly.

A laugh came from the platform.

OoC: ****in' hackers. :[

Jump up onto the platform to meet Orysius. Use his voice sporatically--it's generally in ill taste to control other peoples' character's in RPs, but since we've no other choice, just use it as little as possible. Have Orysius snap, and the two will be warped to the savannah room. There, Orysius will hop up calmly into a tree as an entire pride of lions comes forth. Deal with them and end your post.

Sorry for such a crap lesson, but I figure you need something to do since it's been so long.

Crackle decided it would be worth it and sent aura from the soles of his feet to his thighs. He jumped to the platform and landed on it less than gracefully. He attempted to push himself up but his arms gave out the first time. The second time it came as a quick push that sent him up so he could gain a sense of balance. He stared into the man's eyes and waited.

"Hello," he said, "I am Orysius, your teacher," and extended his hand to be shook.

"Hello," Crackle replied as he shook his teacher's hand.

Orysius snapped his fingers and the scene changed.

Crackle fell face first onto the ground. It crushed his cigarette so he grummbled out a string of curses. He stood up and saw his teacher hop calmly into a tree. Surprise could easily be seen on Crackle's face. He stood up and saw where he was. It was a simple African savanah. Crackle looked at his ring and the small gem glowed a dull red. Crackle began the process of replenishing his aura. It would take only several minutes. Nearly as soon as he started he heard a light thrumming in the distance. The thrumming grew into many large thumps as a pride of lions ran towards Crackle. Sadly he couldn't call move his legs or stop the regeneration process. Suddenly, he an idea struck him. He rose his hand and the lightning that usually comes with the regeneration process burst from his fingertips and struck the largest lion who was obviously the leader. It dropped dead. The others jumped back. After several moments of thinking the second-in-command, the Beta, jumped forward and growled. By this time the regeneration was over and Crackle's ring glowed blright blue. He quickly constructed a shield and, in confusion, the lions jumped forward and attempted to break it. It bent slightly but didn't break. He made a small opening in the top of his domed shield where he threw out Big Blue. Crackle manipulated it to cut the neck of the Beta lion. It too dropped dead. After this the others realized they were in danger they ran off into the distance. Crackle disintigrated the shield and Big Blue flew back to his hand.

"What was that about?" he shouted up to Orysius.

OoC: Sorry for such a crap post, but I figure you need something to do since it's been so long.