[Zorolo] Sivart the Phrygian's Training

Sivart awakes with a start. He sits up in his place amongst the tall grass that is this endless prairie. "Who's there?" he calls out, gripping the hilt of Metropolis, his blade. There is nothing. His tall Phrygian ears detect movement to the left of his bed. He blindly shoots a sonic blast from his hands into the grass hoping to flush out the intruder, but does nothing except disturb a family of birds who immediately flee.

"Must be getting paranoid," he grumbles to himself.

Now fully awake, Sivart rolls up his sleeping mat and surveys his surroundings. The rising sun turns the sky a burning pink, casting light on the mountains that lay to the west. Sivart stares, transfixed by the mountains. A combination of pain and nostalgia tugs at his heart as he tears his eyes away from the snow capped peaks that were once his home. He distracts himself from the feelings by tending to the snares he placed the previous evening.

The first snare is empty. The second holds a struggling rabbit. Sivart breaks the animal's neck and moves on to dismantle the third snare. He builds a small fire, cleans the rabbit, and eats. His energy fully restored, he erases the traces of his being there. Satisfied with his cleaning, he sets off to the east.

As the sun gets higher in the sky, the smooth rolling prairie turns into craggy hills and by late afternoon, a vast plateau dotted by arches and windswept rock formations. As Sivart kneels down to examine a bush with several berries growing on it, he notices a large golden eagle circling overhead. He assesses the berries as safe and begins to pick them.

The eagle softly lands on the top of an arch to Sivart's back. He smiles at the magnificent bird and returns to gathering his meal. Suddenly, the birds ruffling is replaced with the light pattering of feet and the distinct sound of a blade being pulled from its scabbard. He leaps up, Metropolis drawn, and turns to face the source of the sound.

Where the eagle was once perched, Sivart finds a tall man with piercing blue eyes and a long, grey ponytail gripping an ornate rapier by its jewel encrusted hilt. The man scowls and rushes without warning at Sivart. The clatter of crossing swords echoes through the canyon.

"What do you want with me?" Sivart yells over the fighting. The stranger says nothing and continues his attack. This continues for several more minutes with neither side conceding. When it seems Sivart has the advantage, the strange man quickly recovers and vice versa.

Finally Sivart gets in a well placed Tremolo attack and the stranger finds himself pinned to the ground with a sword to his neck and a sandal on his chest.

"Who are you and what the hell do you want with me?" yelled the elf, his voice shaking with fear and rage. The man just looked into Sivart's face and began laughing hysterically. It was a warm hearty laugh filled with kindness, not a sinister evil laugh. Sivart let his guard down, puzzled by this.

Next thing he knew, Sivart was on the ground with Metropolis on the ground just out of his reach. The man continued to laugh. He then beckoned Sivart to follow him and turned to walk away. Sivart grabs his sword and rushes to attack, but the golden eagle from before is far out of his reach.

Sivart follows the eagle for the next several days, paying little attention to his surroundings. The landscape smoothes out into a red desert. At night, the bird stops to rest, always just out of Sivart's reach.

On the morning of the third day, the eagle speeds up and disappears into the haze. Somewhat concerned, Sivart picks up the pace. He soon sees the strange man standing in front of a large ornate stone door carved into the face of a cliff.

He approaches the man and asks, "What is this place?" The man just smiles and laughs, then disappears into the doorway.

"Wait!" Sivart says into the doorway. He lets out an exasperated sigh and follows the man in.

The young elf finds himself in a large atrium, lined with staircases and arches leading off to various places. Sivart begins to explore the place and cannot help but notice the large golden eagle perched on a high stone arch, watching his every move.

Well, gee, look at these nifty little tag things for the training threads. Wish we had these back in my day! My name would have been misspelled a helluva lot less then. XP

Anywho, I have volunteered to temporarily help out my buddy Z a bit--so here I am to grade your post! Unlike the other person I graded today, you've never met me before, so let me explain who I am first. ^^;; I'm a former full-teacher of the Dome who gave up my job some month(s?) back and passed on my homeroom to Zorolo, your current teacher. So I have some idea of what I'm doing. : P

Let's begin, shall we?

Firstly, I've noticed your post is mainly in present tense. You are, actually, not my first student to do this--but the BA as a whole generally uses past tense to write (like most authors) and RPs would probably flow better if you used past tense like other RPers. That being said...I personally will not force you to change--I just want you to be aware of the fact I just mentioned before. But--if you're going to use present tense, you better keep things straight. That being said:

Sivart awoke with a start. He sits up in his place amongst the tall grass that is this endless prairie. "Who's there?" he calls out, gripping the hilt of Metropolis, his blade.

You've got some past tense here, out of place. If you want to use present tense, you have to be consistent--and therefore, the bolded "awoke" should be "awakes".

A missing apostrophe here:

Sivart breaks the animals neck and moves on to dismantle the third snare.

Bolded word should be "animal's". I imagine this was just a typo. ^^;;

...And that's all the errors I'll point out. Great work--you have a skill for detail and conveying imagery and setting. This piece, unlike some "get to the Dome" posts, did not feel rushed, and Sivart's actions felt very real and were interesting to read. Much of it was pleasantly different. *applauds*

Once you fix the few mistakes I pointed out, post here and...someone will give you your next lesson. I don't know who yet--but probably Awkin.

I made the changes. Instead of rewriting the whole thing in past tense, I'll just start writing in past tense from now on if that isn't a problem.

Sorry I took so long getting to this.

Like Aiko said, you seem to have an excellent grip of how to set about displaying your setting and feeling: I find it to be a great challenge, trying to convey emotions and wonder of world in little squiggly character things – and you’re started out quite well.

One thing I’d advise, looking through your work – is for you to have a reviewing process. Once you finish any piece of writing, please leave it a day to settle before coming back to it – and then read it right the way through, out loud if you feel like it.

I find that once it’s not quite so fresh in your mind, you can read it like the casual reader would – and spot things that might otherwise irk them. For instance:

Next thing he knew, Sivart was on the ground with Metropolis on the ground just out of his reach. The man continued to laugh. He then beckoned Sivart to follow him and turned to walk away. Sivart grabs his sword and rushes to attack, but the golden eagle from before is far out of his reach.

Sivart follows the eagle for the next several days, paying little attention to his surroundings. The landscape smoothes out into a red desert. At night, the bird stops to rest, always just out of Sivart's reach.

Reading this – I find myself saying words unnaturally often. When speaking, people tend to vary their words – for instance, in the first sentence people would normally not use ‘ground’ in both instances. It sounds repetitive, and slightly irksome. They’d replace the second one with ‘nearby’, or just remove it altogether and leave it as ‘with Metropolis just out of his reach’.

Sivart (Loving the greekishness of the char, btw :3) – is another word that, when reading comes up too much – and I’d also avoid ending two paragraphs in the same way. Variation is very interesting in writing!

You’re showing promise, I’m glad I get the chance to work with you. Who’s your favourite writer, Travesty Help?

NEXT: I’d like Sivart to explore the dome – for whatever reason. Detail what he find there, tie it in with whatever you want, and meet one of my characters in a casual circumstance.

I’m giving you quite a bit of freedom here, and I’m interested in how you’ll handle it.

Have fun!

Sivart took several uneasy steps into the atrium as the bird disappeared into the darkness. The stone doors suddenly slammed shut with a deafening bang, unbearable to the elf and his sensitive ears. Cursing his luck, Sivart recovered and assessed his surroundings: stone columns disappeared into the dark of the ceiling above with numerous staircases winding in every which direction. Chandeliers were hung from high arches, casting an eerie light upon the room. There was a warm draft emanating from someplace unbeknownst to Sivart. He cautiously continued into the room, the sound of each footstep quickly absorbed by the stone structures.

Without warning, the room burst to life as several men materialized in front of him and the stairwells became packed with creatures of all shapes and sizes. He moved to avoid the crowd, but is knocked over by an animate suit of armor who apologetically lent a hand to the elf. Sivart ignored the gesture and noticed the golden eagle gliding above.

Carefully maneuvering through the corridors, the crowd slowly began to dissipate. Sivart kept a close eye on the eagle, hoping to punish it for making him look like a fool. He passed by a variety of rooms: an eating hall, a library, dormitories, an infirmary, and classrooms. The bird glided into a doorway near the end of the hallway.

Sivart moved into the room, but his foot found no floor and he began to tumble through nothingness. Fear rapt him and he faded in and out of consciousness. He hardly noticed the large talons that gripped his shoulders and slow his descent. Sivart gathered himself and saw several torches and a stone floor that grew closer and closer. He breathed a sigh of relief and looked up only to find the same eagle that he had been chasing. Their eyes met and the bird let go of Sivart about ten feet above the floor. His stomach did a backflip and rather than landing on the cold hard floor, he landed on top of something very hard yet very alive. There were several moments of loud confusion followed by the echoes reverberating through the halls.

The stranger got up, pushed a lock of messy brown hair out of his face and locked eyes with the elf. This man was certainly someone of high esteem. Sivart could not help but admire the armor. The breastplate displayed a large emblem and gleams in the torchlight like no alloy he was familiar with, could it be mythril? The man was wearing heavy black boots and black pants with a small pouch at his belt. Draped in a deep green cape lined with gold, he seemed to be armed with a spear and shield. Despite his intimidating attire, the man had kind eyes and an easy smile. He offered a reluctant Sivart a hand and lifted him to his feet.

You're bumping into one of Awky's characters... Johann, here, I think? Not sure. You wanted to know how to edit this post a little to gear it more to me? Just have Sivart bump into my character, Prince Hunter Merridale, instead. ^^ You can find more about him in the link to my characters in my sig.

Yep, it was Johann. Fixed and edited all the thingys.