[Altamira] Walfrid's Training

Walfrid examined his surroundings, he was surprised at how far he had travelled in one short day. A young man at the inn that he had stopped off at yesterday had told him that he wouldn’t see any greenery for miles and miles but already he was gazing upon a vast forest. He seemed to have a strange talent for exploring and traveling but that had to be expected as he had spent his whole life exploring and traveling. A strange woman outside of the inn had tried to sell him a horse but he had refused, he always travelled on his own, he didn’t even trust an innocent horse to travel with him, he felt that it would let him down somehow, the only person he could trust was himself. He heard birds singing softly in the distance and he stopped and listened for a few moments, he had learned to appreciate the small things in life, as he hadn’t had much to appreciate since his Father died.

He ventured into the forest, cutting down small plants and weeds that impeded him with his Long Sword. At nightfall he decided to find shelter, he knew it was going to rain soon. He had to find food and water before he did anything as he hadn’t eaten or drunken anything since his stay at the inn the day before. He found a small stream nearby and he quickly plunged his head under the water, the cold water was delightful. After a short time he raised his head out of the stream and went looking for food. He thought he saw a deer in the distance so he silently walked towards it with his bow in his hand. He had walked for a while and he still couldn’t see any deer. Just as he was going to turn back he walked straight into something solid. He staggered backwards, he was a little dazed. He eventually regained his composure and he examined the thing he had walked into. It was a huge door, made out of stone. He saw a small notice on the huge door, the notice read:

The Dome:

This is a place where the greatest warriors throughout the galaxy come to wage war upon each other.


Walfrid gazed upon the notice with great interest. He hadn’t been so excited since he was a small child, he had lived a dull, monotonous life since his Father had died, he could use a little excitement. In his confusion he hadn’t noticed how huge and spectacular this “Dome” was. He examined it carefully, he had never seen something so amazing in his whole life. His destiny would not allow this though, he couldn’t just go off on such a strange adventure, his Father had given him a mission to accomplish, surely he couldn’t let him down? As he was about to turn around he felt something drawing him towards the entrance to the Dome, he tried to move but he couldn’t. Just then, the stone door of the Dome flew upon. Walfrid knew that he would regret it for the rest of his life if he didn’t enter…

Here we go:

An issue with clauses here:

Walfrid examined his surroundings, he was surprised at how far he had travelled in one short day.

Here, you have two independent clauses stuck together without proper punctuation or other connectors. An independent clause is a clause (whole or part of a sentence) that can stand alone as a full sentence, like, "My name is Aiko." I'd suggest that in this situation, you just split the two pieces up so that it reads as:

Walfrid examined his surroundings. He was surprised at how far he had travelled in one short day.

One other small issue here is the misspelling--the underlined word should be spelled as "traveled", with one "l". ;] You make a similar mistake a few times later on, so search for those and fix them as well.

A run-on sentence here:

A strange woman outside of the inn had tried to sell him a horse but he had refused, he always travelled on his own, he didn’t even trust an innocent horse to travel with him, he felt that it would let him down somehow, the only person he could trust was himself.

You have a lot of independent clauses stuck together here without proper connections. Don't try to stick together too many ideas into one sentence--you're bound to get run-ons that way. ^^;; If you're not sure if a sentence is becoming a run-on, read it aloud and check for yourself that way. If it sounds too wordy (remember you only take a brief pause at commas, but a whole stop at periods), then it's probably a run-on.

I'd split up the sentence like this:

A strange woman outside of the inn had tried to sell him a horse but he had refused--he always traveled on his own. He didn’t even trust an innocent horse to travel with him, because, well...he felt that it would let him down somehow. The only person he could trust was himself.

If you have any questions at all about why I made any of the changes I made, let me know. You don't have to use my changes for this either when you make your edits--just do whatever you think works best.

He heard birds singing softly in the distance and he stopped and listened for a few moments, he had learned to appreciate the small things in life, as he hadn’t had much to appreciate since his Father died.

Here you have some more errors similar to the first two that I've already pointed out. Try to apply what I've told you about the clauses and run-ons and see what you're able to fix on your own. I'll step in afterwards to check. Also--don't hesitate to ask any questions you may have while trying to do this. I'm here to help.

We'll pause here and see how well you can grasp what I've told you so far. Once you've finished making the edits I've asked for, post here or PM me and we'll continue on with your evaluation. ^___^

You said you edited, but even when reading through just the first paragraph, I can see most of the errors I pointed out are still present. You still have the run-ons and clause problems I asked you to fix (and you should have mentioned that "travelled" and "travelling" with two "l"s is the British spelling--remember that I'm American and don't always know that. <___<;; ) You have to make the edits I asked for before we move on--otherwise you're defeating the whole purpose of this.

These are some of the problems that still remain in that first paragraph alone:

Walfrid examined his surroundings, he was surprised at how far he had travelled in one short day.

A strange woman outside of the inn had tried to sell him a horse but he had refused, he always travelled on his own, he didn’t even trust an innocent horse to travel with him, he felt that it would let him down somehow, the only person he could trust was himself.

He heard birds singing softly in the distance and he stopped and listened for a few moments, he had learned to appreciate the small things in life, as he hadn’t had much to appreciate since his Father died.

I already pointed out what was wrong with these quoted lines in my post above. If you need suggestions or help with fixing them, let me know, but don't just shrug them off.