[Zorolo] Torus White's Training

OoC : Alright, I haven't RPed with this guy before, so I'm still working out the best way to do it. So don't be surprised if it sucks . Also, I got a bit carried away...and just to be clear, if it isn't in italics, it's being said out loud.

BiC : White stumbled into the small village, weary from several days of travelling. There was a general store about half way down the street, and a nice-looking square of grass located just to his left. I'll have to spend some time there later, he thought. Several houses sat along the sides of the main road. Walking down the footpath to the door of a nearby motel, a quick look around the village showed that it was a nice, rustic place with very little going on. Just the kind of relaxed atmosphere he'd been looking for to settle down in for a few days.

After a short walk, he arrived at the motel's reception and booked a room. Not a particularly fancy room, but it had all the essentials : bathroom, single bed, kitchen facilities. At least the paint wasn't peeling, he thought to himself. Tired from the day's trekking, White set down his few belongings, which were mostly packed into his backpack anyway, lay down on the bed, and fell asleep almost immediately.

The next morning White awoke at around midday. Still sleepy, he was rather slow to get moving, but when he finally did, he headed outside and had another look around the village. There was a library over on the other side of the village that looked to be large enough to provide a good few days of browsing...well, of the type he was planning on, anyway. There was also a community center of some sort nearby. Mulling over what to do next, White's thoughts were interrupted by a light grunting sound. Thinking that it sounded like someone was carrying something heavy, he looked up and saw a little kid struggling with a large wooden crate almost as big as himself.

"Aw, look at that. We really should go and help him."

"Yeah! He’d be a lot happier then!"

"Nah, let him suffer."

"Who really cares…"

"In helping others, you may find a way to help yourself…"

"It would be the right thing to do."

"Maybe we could ask for a fee of some sort? Or a debt, perhaps?"

"Quiet, all of you! We’re helping, and that’s final!"

Aw, where’s the fun in that…

It appeared that the boy was going to collapse under the weight of whatever was in the crate, so White sprinted over as fast as he could and took the crate off the boy. It was surprisingly heavy for it's size and dimensions, making White wonder what could possibly be in it. After a quick thanks from the boy, the two of them set off down the road. To a casual observer it would have looked rather odd : a little kid walking just in front of a grown man staggering under the weight of a wooden box that certainly didn't look all that heavy.

"That's odd…a typical boy of that age shouldn’t have the required muscular development to lift such a heavy load."

"Things are not always as they appear…"

"Need any help with that, White?"

"Uh, yeah, that would be nice."

As his eyes and hair slowly turned to a magenta colour White felt the familiar sensation of his strength increasing as the Magenta Fragment’s equipment and strength appeared on him. He carried the box with much less trouble, following the boy, who seemed strangely indifferent to his sudden change in appearance. He seemed to be being led out of the village. After a while he asked the boy where they were carrying the box to, at which point the boy simply vanished.

"Gah! That kid duped us! Now we're out here in the middle of nowhere with a box of who-knows-what…wait till I get my hands on him!"

"I'm not sure that would be wise…he can vanish in to thin air and carry things he shouldn’t be capable of carrying…it stands to reason that he might be capable of other strange powers as well."

"I don’t care!" "Hey, kid! When we find you, there’s gonna be-"

"What have I told you lot about revealing your presence to others?"

"Yeah? Well nuts to you!" "Come out, come out, wherever you are..."

"Ooh, can I stab him?"

"Be my guest..."

"Ooh, goody!" thought Grey as he ran at Red with both his weapons raised.

"That should keep Red off my back for a while..."

"Still, this does present us with an interesting conundrum. Namely, what do we do now?"

"We should work out who owns this crate and return it to them; that would be the moral thing to do."

"Well, we’ve been left out here with it, let’s just keep it. We have every excuse to."

"But it wouldn’t be right…"

"You and your morality nonsense."

"Hey! Morality is a very important aspect of-"

"Blah, blah, blah..."

"Grrr..."

"Well, I say we just rip the crate open and see what's inside."

"That could be dangerous…"

"I'm sure we can handle it."

"Let's just throw it away and dance back into the village!"

"…alright, I'm not listening to you anymore. Brown…can you cast something to try and find him?"

"I could, but then that might be an invasion of privacy…"

"He just disappeared-"

"-meaning he probably wants to remain hidden. Who are we to encroach on that right?"

"We're the people carrying this box, and he probably wants it back. It's probably his, after all."

"…I guess you have a point. I’ll have to be manifested though."

"Alright."

White closed his eyes for a brief moment in order to focus better, and a ball of brown light shot out of the top of his head. Moments later a being very similar in appearance to White, but with brown hair, eyes, and skin appeared on the spot where the ball of light had struck the ground. He was slightly translucent too, and was carrying a ball and chain in his right hand. There were inscriptions at several points on the weapon.

"Okay, I should be able to search the surrounding area for any sign of him…"

The manifestation of White’s brown fragment sketched a few arcane gestures in the air with his hand and mumbled something under his breath. A three-dimensional map of the area began to slowly take shape, with a glowing red dot located on it. Brown pointed to the dot and said that this was where the boy must be…though it appeared to be a few feet underground, just below where they were standing. Puzzled, he dispelled the map with a wave of his hand and was promptly unsummoned; he turned back into a ball of light which shot into White’s skull.

"Well, that’s more than a little odd."

"It’s only a few feet, right? We can just dig our way down there, can’t we?"

"Hm…I guess that makes sense. Which is odd, since it’s coming from you."

"What is your problem, you nerd?"

"Just your startling lack of intellect, you big dumb oaf."

"Alright already! We'll dig down a bit and see what we can find. I'll manifest Magenta and Red so we can get done faster."

"Why would I want to come out and help you dig?"

"Because we'll probably find the kid that left us out here."

"Oh, yeah. Wait till I get my hands on-"

"Yes, yes, that’s quite enough."

White closed his eyes once again and concentrated. This time two balls of light, one magenta and one red, shot out of his head and landed in sudden bursts of coloured light next to the spot that Brown had indicated on the map. Two more figures similar in appearance to White appeared immediately after. They both carried greatswords, though the Magenta Fragment's one was a fair bit larger, though unadorned. They were both also equipped with a full suit of plate mail. All in all, the Magenta one appeared much more dangerous, though White knew that this was strictly limited to appearance.

It seemed a pity to spoil the picturesque meadow with a large hole, but White's curiosity quickly overcame the feeling. Still, he couldn't help but feel a bit guilty as he looked around at the tall blades of grass blowing softly in the wind, and the tree branches bending slightly with the soft breeze. Another one of nature's wonders spoiled. They didn't have anything to dig with, but that didn't prove a problem : Magenta just dug with the point of his greatsword. In between his digging, Red provided assistance in the form of intermittent blasts of fire, which loosened the ground and incinerated any tree roots that were getting in Magenta's way. The blasts scorched the surrounding area, making White feel even guiltier about ruining the landscape.

After about 15 minutes Magenta put his greatsword clean through the dirt and into what appeared to be a cavern. The three of them jumped through the hole after White had widened it a bit with a simple force blast, and then took a look around. It was completely dark except for the small amount of sunshine coming down through the hole. White unsummoned the two fragments, and looked around.

He thought for a minute about what to do, then decided to manifest the blue fragment, since it was the most proficient at light spells as White had trouble with even sustaining a light source without intense concentration. The figure that appeared after the summon this time was blue in hue and carried a large quarterstaff, with a katana at his belt.

The Blue Fragment conjured up a spherical light source with a mumbled incantation and looked around. They appeared to be at one end of a passage, and there was only one direction they could take. Blue headed down the passage, but was stopped by White, who had to summon Magenta again to carry the crate with them.

The Magenta Fragment appeared again and picked up the crate with relative ease, though he did need two hands which was unusual. Once he had the crate, the blue fragment headed down the passage with Magenta and White in tow. After a few minutes of travel they came across a large pit of lava with no apparent method of crossing it.

"Well, that’s just great. How do we get over that?"

"We could just jump it..."

"Actually, I believe that even with your augmented strength, White would be unable to jump the chasm with the crate. Even unburdened it would prove difficult."

"Things are not always as they appear…"

"Why are we even here? Let’s just head back and get some rest. It’s not like we care about the kid and his dumb box, anyway…"

"Yes we do, it’s our moral obligation to return it to him…hm, I’d like to try a magical examination of the chasm…"

"Okay, you got it."

White concentrated on manifesting the brown fragment. When he appeared, he shrouded his eyes in an arcane haze and looked over the chasm. He saw a sturdy looking bridge made from some material he couldn’t identify, and cast a spell allowing the others to see through his eyes.

If I’m not mistaken, that’s just magical force there. We should be able to walk right over.

White took the brown fragment’s word for it and walked over the bridge. The three fragments followed, though it was a bit spooky for all of them, given that they couldn’t actually see the bridge. Luckily it was dead straight. Once they reached the other side they saw a door in the wall opposite them.

There seemed to be light coming from the other side, so White unsummoned all the fragments and carried the crate himself, with some help from Magenta. He opened the door and found himself in a small, round room devoid of any furniture other than a small chair in which the little boy sat. The boy rose from his seat and began to speak: "Congratulations, White. You have been found worthy of entry into the Dome." Seeing him carrying the crate he added, "You can put the crate down now."

"Phew, thanks," said White as he put the crate down, "but who are you, and what is this Dome you speak of?"

"And how have we been found worthy? Was there a test? Also, what is in the crate? And-"

"Purple…quiet! We don't know who he is!"

"Uh, yeah, that was just-"

"A fragment of your psyche? I know. We’ve been watching you, Torus-"

"Could you call me White?"

"Uh, okay…we’ve been watching you, White. After careful observation, we decided to give you a test. I am merely the messenger, sent to deliver said test. The Dome is a training facility, and the crate contains a portal to it. Any more questions?"

"Umm, I guess not…"

"Great! Well, after you!"

The boy lifted the lid off the crate to reveal a swirling, pitch-black vortex. With some nervousness, White peered into the crate. He spent a few minutes just staring at the vortex before the boy got impatient and gave him a hefty push. Not expecting this, White was unable to stop himself from tumbling headfirst into the vortex. He had a strange sensation of not actually moving at all as he fell through the vortex, but before he had time to think any more about it, he'd been dumped on to solid ground. He had arrived at the Dome.

OoC : Some of the quotation marks are different, if that's a problem I can fix it, but it'll take a bit longer. If not, it's easier to leave it like this.

As you might notice I have a different teaching style then your other teacher. I break the post down, paragraph by paragraph pointing out mistakes and flaws. After you correct them in your origional post, post a reply saying you have done so and I will post your next assignment...if that made any sense.

Also a wise women once said to me "There are two way to improve your writing, write a lot, and read a lot," and I know you will be writing a lot, so the only logical thing to do is assign you some stuff to read. I will assign something to read after every post like this one, which I expect you to read before I give you your assignment. However since I do not have any way of knowing if you actually read it I will be taking your word for it. NOW onto the post. ^_^

First thing's first. DO NOT EVER EVER EVER EVER. Use Smiles in formal novel style writing like this. None of these ^_^, =3, X_X. Okay? Go back and delete all of those before you continue on. @_@

Originally Posted by MrRandom

OoC : Alright, I haven't RPed with this guy before, so I'm still working out the best way to do it. So don't be surprised if it sucks . Also, I got a bit carried away...and just to be clear, if it isn't in italics, it's being said out loud.

Okay.

White stumbled into the small village, weary from several days of travelling. He had a quick look around and spotted a small motel near the village’s entrance. He walked up to the motel and booked a room. It wasn’t a particularly fancy room, but it was an improvement on the tent and sleeping bag he’d been using the last few nights. He unpacked his few belongings, lay down on the bed, and fell asleep almost immediately.

This paragraph is a little dull, to much "He did this," "He did that" not enough description, and a little bland. No real huge grammatical errors but I would like you to rewrite the paragraph without using the word "he" at the begining of any sentence.

The next morning, White awoke at around midday. When he got up and saw the time, he decided that he needed to recuperate for a few days before heading off. He headed outside and had a look around the village; it seemed cosy enough. He checked around for something to do, when he saw a little kid struggling with a large wooden crate almost as big as himself.

In the first sentence the comma is not needed. Do away with that.

Once again very bland and monotone. Try doing what I asked you to do last paragraph with this one too.

Aw, look at that. We really should go and help him.

Yeah! He’d be a lot happier then! ^_^

Nah, let him suffer >=)

Who really cares…

In helping others, you may find a way to help yourself…

It would be the right thing to do.

Maybe we could ask for a fee of some sort? Or a debt, perhaps?

Quiet, all of you! We’re helping, and that’s final!

Aw, where’s the fun in that…

Put quotations around all of these. I know they are all spoken in his mind but I would prefer it if you did. Also I am not a big fan of color coding whose speaking, but if you insist on doing that don't forget to color code "white" as well. Even though text appears white once you post it, I happen to use a different skin, and it appears black to me.

White headed over to the little boy and asked him if he needed help with the crate. The boy gratefully accepted the help and passed the crate to White, who staggered under its weight.

Still very dull. White did this, The boy did this. A very uninteresting way to write. If you where reading this how long do you think you would be able to pay attention?

That’s odd…a typical boy of that age shouldn’t have the required muscular development to lift such a heavy load.

Things are not always as they appear…

Need any help with that, White?

Uh, yeah, that would be nice.

Nothing really wrong here, other then things I have already touched on.

As his eyes and hair slowly turned to a magenta colour,* White felt the familiar sensation of his strength increasing as the **magenta fragment’s equipment and strength appeared on him. ***He carried the box with much less trouble, following the boy who he was carrying it for, who seemed strangely indifferent to his sudden change in appearance. He seemed to be being led out of the village. After a while,**** he asked the boy where they were carrying the box to, at which point the boy simply vanished.

*That comma is not needed.

**Since "Magenta Fragment" is that personalities name, it should be capitilized.

***"He carried the box with much less trouble, following the boy who he was carrying it for, who seemed strangely indifferent to his sudden change in appearance." get rid of the bolded part. It takes away from the sentence.

****Comma not needed.

[QUOTE]
Gah! That kid duped us! Now we’re out here in the middle of nowhere with a box of who-knows-what…wait till I get my hands on him!

I’m not sure that would be wise…he can vanish in to thin air and carry things he shouldn’t be capable of carrying…it stands to reason that he might be capable of other strange powers as well.

I don’t care!

"Hey, kid! When we find you, there’s gonna be-"

What have I told you lot about revealing your presence to others?

Yeah? Well nuts to you! "Come out, come out, wherever you are..."

Ooh, can I stab him?

Be my guest >_>

Ooh, goody! thought Grey as he ran at Red with both his weapons raised.

That should keep Red off my back for a while...

Still, this does present us with an interesting conundrum. Namely, what do we do now?

We should work out who owns this crate and return it to them; that would be the moral thing to do.

Well, we’ve been left out here with it, let’s just keep it. We have every excuse to.

But it wouldn’t be right…

You and your morality nonsense…

…>_>

Well, I say we just rip the crate open and see what’s inside.

That could be dangerous…

I’m sure we can handle it.

Let’s just throw it away and dance back into the village?

…alright, I’m not listening to you anymore. Brown…can you cast something to try and find him?

I could, but then that might be an invasion of privacy…

He just disappeared-

-meaning he probably wants to remain hidden. Who are we to encroach on that right?

We’re the people carrying his box, and he probably wants it back. It might be his, after all.

…I guess you have a point. I’ll have to be manifested though.

Alright.

Good I liked this part. It showed how the fragments interact with each other.

White closed his eyes for a brief moment in order to focus better, and a ball of brown light shot out of the top of his head. Moments later, a being very similar in appearance to White, but with brown hair, eyes, and skin, appeared on the spot where the ball of light had struck the ground. He was slightly translucent, too, and carried a ball and chain.

"Moments later, a being very similar in appearance to White, but with brown hair, eyes, and skin, appeared on the spot where the ball of light had struck the ground." Your Commas are all wonky in this sentence, it should read.

"Moments later a being very, similar in appearance to White, but with brown hair, eyes, and skin appeared on the spot where the ball of light had struck the ground."


"He was slightly translucent, too, and carried a ball and chain" Commas a weird in this sentence as well. It should read , "He was slightly translucent too and carried a ball and chain" Though I would suggest removing and and change "carried" to Carrying"

Okay, I should be able to search the surrounding area for any sign of him…

The manifestation of White’s brown fragment sketched a few arcane gestures in the air with his hand and mumbled something under his breath. A map of the area began to slowly take shape, with a glowing red dot located on it. Brown pointed to the dot and said that this was where the boy must be…though it appeared to be a few feet underground, just below where they were standing. Puzzled, he dispelled the map with a wave of his hand and was promptly unsummoned; he turned back into a ball of light which shot into White’s skull.

Nothing deathly wrong here, grammer wise. Except a map shouldn't show Depth...

Well, that’s more than a little odd.

It’s only a few feet, right? We can just dig our way down there, can’t we?

Hm…I guess that makes sense. Which is odd, since it’s coming from you.

What is your problem, you nerd?

Just your startling lack of intellect, you big dumb oaf.

Alright already! We’ll dig down a bit and see what we can find. I’ll manifest Magenta and Red so we can get done faster.

Why would I want to come out and help you dig??

Only ever have one question mark, not matter how quizzical the question.

Because we’ll probably find the kid that left us out here.

Oh, yeah. Wait till I get my hands on-

Yes, yes, that’s quite enough.

Nobody likes red ;_; Poor Guy.

White closed his eyes once again and concentrated. This time, two balls of light, one magenta and one red, shot out of his head and landed. The figures that appeared were more battle-equipped, though. He then realized that they had nothing to actually dig with, but Magenta started using his greatsword to dig at the ground, and Red just aimed repeated fire spells at it, which seemed to be scorching away some of the earth. White used some simple wind magic to blow away loose dust and ash as they worked.

Get rid of the comma's in the second and third sentences.

Very monotone, add some more descriptive words. 80-90 percent of everything you write should be decribing something.

After about 15 minutes, Magenta put his greatsword clean through the dirt and into what appeared to be a cavern. The three of them jumped through the hole after White had widened it a bit with a simple force blast, and then took a look around. It was completely dark except for the small amount of sunshine coming down through the hole. White unsummoned the two fragments, and looked around.

Once again no comma in the first sentence.

Also you to not need to use a comma before and.

He thought for a minute about what to do, then decided to manifest the blue fragment, since it was the most proficient at light spells; *White had trouble with even sustaining a light source without intense concentration. The figure that appeared after the summon this time was blue in hue and carried a large quarterstaff, with a katana at his belt.

Get rid of the semicolon and add the word "as".

The blue fragment conjured up a spherical light source with a mumbled incantation and looked around. They appeared to be at one end of a passage, and there was only one direction they could take. Blue headed down the passage, but was stopped by White, who had to summon Magenta again to carry the crate with them.

Nothing wrong heeeeeeeere~

The magenta fragment appeared again and picked up the crate with relative ease, though he did need two hands, which was unusual. Once he had the crate,* the blue fragment headed down the passage with Magenta and White in tow. After a few minutes of travel, they came across a large pit of lava. There was no bridge over it.

Okay look at this paragraph then look at the one before it. Can you tell me what is wrong with the begining of both?

Comma...get rid of it.

"After a few minutes of travel, they came across a large pit of lava. There was no bridge over it." it would sound much nicer if you combined those two sentences.

“Well, that’s just great. How do we get over that?”

“We could just jump it”

Actually, I believe that even with your augmented strength, White would be unable to jump the chasm with the crate. Even unburdened it would prove difficult.

Things are not always as they appear…

Why are we even here? Let’s just head back and get some rest. It’s not like we care about the kid and his dumb box, anyway…

Yes we do, it’s our moral obligation to return it to him…hm, I’d like to try a magical examination of the chasm…

Okay, you got it.

I like your dilogue, it shows the characters personalities very well.

White concentrated on manifesting the brown fragment. When he appeared, he shrouded his eyes in an arcane haze and looked over the chasm. He saw a sturdy looking bridge made form some material he couldn’t identify, and cast a spell allowing the others to see through his eyes, as they all could, being linked as they were.

Okay...am I out of the loop or something...cause I have no idea what "arcane" means.

Bolded word should be "from".

Underlined part is unneeded.

If I’m not mistaken, that’s just magical force there. We should be able to walk right over.

White took the brown fragment’s word for it and walked over the bridge. The three fragments followed, though it was a bit spooky for all of them, given that they couldn’t actually see the bridge. Luckily,* it was dead straight. Once they reached the other side,* they saw a door in the wall opposite them.

Unneeded Comma's.

There seemed to be light coming from the other side, so White unsummoned all the fragments and carried the crate himself, with some help from Magenta. He opened the door and found himself in a small, round room devoid of any furniture other than a small chair in which the little boy sat. The boy rose from his seat and began to speak:

“Congratulations, White. You have been found worthy of entry into the Dome. You can put the crate down now.”

No need to start a new paragraph for the boy's dilogue.

“Phew, thanks,” said White as he put the crate down, “but who are you, and what is this Dome you speak of?”

"And how have we been found worthy? Was there a test? Also, what is in the crate? And-"

Purple…quiet! o_O

"Uh, yeah, that was just-"

"A fragment of your psyche? I know. We’ve been watching you, Torus-"

“Could you call me White?”

“Uh, okay…we’ve been watching you, White. After careful observation, we decided to give you a test. I am merely the messenger, sent to deliver said test. The Dome is a training facility, and the crate contains a portal to it. Any more questions?”

“Umm, I guess not…”

“Great! Well, after you!”

*No comments*

The boy lifted the lid off the crate to reveal a swirling.* pitch-black vortex. With some nervousness, White peered into the crate. With most of his fragments eager to wither train themselves in the Dome or just curious as to where the vortex went, White took a deep breath and tumbled through the vortex into the Dome.

*Should be a comma not a period.

Bolder word should be either.

And the last sentence is a little confusing.

OKAY Assigned reading now. I want you to read the first ten posts of this battle Between Darkness and light. Written by Zorolo and Super-Boss-Lady-Aiko-Chan herself. Have fun ^_^

Alright, I think I've covered everything. Doing heavy descriptive passages is still new to me, but hopefully it will become second nature soon enough. I've noticed that I'm a bit comma-happy as well...I'll have to try to avoid that.

One last thing : how come you didn't think I'd look at the reading?

EDIT : Oh yeah, arcane. Wiktionary definition. Is often used to refer to magic or spellcraft-related stuff, though that isn't listed there.

Originally Posted by MrRandom

Alright, I think I've covered everything. Doing heavy descriptive passages is still new to me, but hopefully it will become second nature soon enough. I've noticed that I'm a bit comma-happy as well...I'll have to try to avoid that.

One last thing : how come you didn't think I'd look at the reading?

EDIT : Oh yeah, arcane. Wiktionary definition. Is often used to refer to magic or spellcraft-related stuff, though that isn't listed there.

Yeah you'll get used to it over time. I'm a little comma happy too sometimes. YAY COMMAS...>_>

I just expected people would be like me, and skip over it due to lazyness. Good to know your a harder worked then me ^_^

*Reads over* Good. *Stamps with approval*

Also I didn't mention this before but I liked how you got them guys to the dome, very imaginative.

ASSIGNMENT TIME!

Ok Have White awake in a hallway in the dome with a student looking over him. I need you to write two good sized paragraphs minimum describing this character. Then have the two venture off to find Tsuukai's Room(Tsuukai will be your teacher). Have them discuss how the dome works, and end it with them finding the door, the student leaving and a ghastly voice coming from the other side of the door saying "I've been waiting for you, White" or something like that.



Edit: Tsuukai's Profile can be found Here

OoC : Alright, here it is. Bit shorter than last time, though.

White got up off the ground, dusted himself off, and took stock of his surroundings. The walls of the large building he found himself in were a dull metallic colour, and devoid of any features whatsoever save for a door on the wall opposite him with the words "New arrivals" painted on it in large red letters. Shrugging to himself White headed over to the door and walked through it.

He had just shut the door behind him when an arrow came whizzing through the air and embedded itself in the door just above his head. Startled, he spun around and drew his shortswords only to come face to face with a tall man holding a longbow and grinning childishly. He wore a dark green hooded cloak and had a quiver of odd-looking arrows on his back.

The man walked up to White and introduced himself as Learon. He said he was a bit of a practical joker. No kidding, thought White, though he must have decent aim to be able to do that without thinking that he could miss and kill me. Learon was wearing an odd set of clothing that appeared dark green, but turned grey when viewed from a different angle.

Checking around the corridor he found himself in, he noticed that the walls had been painted a dark green colour but the floor was just grey concrete. There was a sign on the wall saying "New arrivals this way" with an arrow pointing down the corridor. White headed down the corridor in that direction noting the cheap looking fluorescent lighting that was swaying forlornly from the ceiling. When he noticed Learon following him, he turned to him and asked why he was doing so.

"I always like showing up and giving the new students a bit of a scare," said Learon with a bit of a chuckle taking off his hood off his head so that White could see his face. He was rather unkempt; his hair was brown and all over the place, though it somehow managed not to obscure his vision, and his eyes were green and wild-looking, but with a hint of a calmer blue colour.

"AH! He's going to kill us!"

"I'm sure it- wait, who are you?"

"Hm, that was odd..."

"What was odd...?"

"Hm? Oh, nothing..."

"Oh, I'm nothing now, am I?!"

"Who was that?" snapped Learon in a surprisingly worried voice, as he looked around wildly for the source of the voice. "It sounded an awful lot like you..."

"Uh, it's a bit of a story. Let's just say he's a part of my mind. A fragment, if you will. I try to keep them secret mostly, but it isn't easy when they do that"

"Ah, who cares..."

"I do! I don't want everyone calling me a freak..."

"Oh, right..." Learon said, sounding considerably relieved, "Don't worry, there's none of that here. Most of the Dome's students are abnormal in some way. I'm pretty much as normal as they come."

"I can see we're in for a fascinating experience here. Now, I haven't asked where we are yet, so where on Earth are we?"

"We're not on earth, we're in some sort of weird extradimensional pocket of space. At least I think that's what they told me...I can't really remember."

"Fascinating..."

The pair reached the end of the corridor and entered a large hall full of tables. The floor had a black and white checkered pattern, and White noticed a pair of people taking advantage of this to play an almost human-sized game of chess. The pieces seemed to be moving of their own volition, but after a minute of observation, Purple pointed out that they were probably using telekinesis or a similar power.

"Oddballs...I'm going to fit in well here." thought White with a smile on his face.

"So it would appear."

There were people dotted around the hall, most of them sitting at tables. Several of them were eating what White assumed was lunch, given the time on the clock set into the wall opposite them. It seemed like your average sort of canteen area, until you began to notice the oddities in several of the patrons. A couple of them had wings folded up on their backs, and White could swear he saw someone with horns on their head, though when he looked again they were gone. Not only that, but almost all of them were carrying some sort of weapon : swords, daggers, bows, even flails...you name it, it was probably being carried by someone in the canteen.

White went and examined the menu. It seemed pretty normal, though they did appear to serve blood, which was odd. A closer look around the canteen revealed one or two vampires drinking what he'd taken to be tomato juice. Suddenly feeling a bit sick, he quickly turned back to the menu to avoid losing his appetite. There was a bit of other weird stuff too, but White decided not to dwell on it. He just ordered an egg salad sandwich and sat down at a nearby table, noting how comfortable the seats were. Purple immediately launched into a barrage of questions, to nobody's surprise.

"So, who came up with this place, anyway?"

"You know, I'm not sure. It's been around for as long as anyone I know can remember."

"And you said it was a training facility, so who are the teachers?"

"The teachers? They're all over the place. You might have seen one already and not have known it."

"But how do classes work and things like that?

"Well, I'm not exactly sure. I haven't been here long either, you know."

Once he'd finished the sandwich and had enough of watching the chess players, they walked out through a different door, much to Purple's irritation: he'd been interested to see how the game ended. They emerged into another corridor, only this one was lined with doors. Each door had a name on it, and White noticed that some of the names were a bit...odd. I mean, what kind of name is "Falenor"? The doors themselves were for the most part plain, brown affairs, though the occasional one had some symbol or other stuck on it, no doubt something to do with that room's occupant. Eventually, they came to Learon's door, and he vanished inside with a rushed goodbye, leaving White out in the corridor without a clue what was going on.

"Oh brilliant...that's the second time that's happened. Grr...

"Now, now, I don't think he'd have just left us here. This may be another test.

"Yes, it is possible that we are required to use what we know of the Dome so far to determine where to go next...

"Or we could just bash our way through all the doors until we find someone to help us.

"...That would be the dumb thing to do.

"It would also be an invasion of private property, most likely."

"Yeah, and I don't think it would be terribly pleasant for the room's occupants, either."

"Grr...aw, I wanted to bash stuff."

"Cheer up! You got to carry the crate and dig that hole, right?

"I guess so...thanks."

"Anytime, Magenta!"

"Um, yes alright, but what are we meant to do in the meantime?"

"Eh, who cares, let's just sit here."

"I say we find Learon again and stab him until he tells us what to do next!"

"He probably deserves it"

"That would just be wrong."

"Hurting others will only hurt yourself in the long run..."

"I don't know, I feel pretty good about it! How about we test this out on you..."

"All right, none of that. We need to be thinking here."

"Well, that was amusing to listen to..." the voice sounded bored and more than a little bit sarcastic.

White spun around at the sound of the voice. He saw that he was facing a door with "Tsuukai" written on it. Slapping himself for not telling his fragments to hold that conversation in his mind, he walked tentatively up to the door and raised a hand to knock.

"No need for that, I know you're there, White..." came the creepy, unnerving reply from the other side of the door.

"I was wondering when you would show up...a few more minutes and I'd have gotten bored and left. Lucky for you..." It sounded to White as though it might not have been altogether lucky for him, but he tried to put that thought aside as he waited for the door to open.

OoC : I think that was a bit better, though the description is probably still a bit thin.

Originally Posted by MrRandom

OoC : Alright, here it is. Bit shorter than last time, though.

I don't care about word counts. Not with you at least. You always seem to turn out a good number of words, so that is not an issue for you. Do not feel pressured to write long posts.

White got up off the ground, dusted himself off, and took stock of his surroundings. The walls of the large building he found himself in were a dull metallic colour, and devoid of any features whatsoever, save for a door on the wall opposite him with the words "New arrivals" painted on it in large, red letters. Shrugging to himself, White headed over to the door and walked through it.

Ahem. It's Comma Rules time ^_^

1:Use a comma before a coordinating conjunction (and, or, but, nor, yet, for, so) that separates two independent clauses.

EX:Traditional classroom methods are under fire from educators nationwide, and many are advocating that methods for individualizing instruction be incorporated into K-12 curricula.

2:Use a comma after an introductory word, phrase, or clause that comes before a main clause.

EX:Strangely, no one has suggested that Watergate gave us a "new Nixon."

3:Use commas around words, phrases, and clauses in the middle of a sentence when they aren't essential to the meaning of the sentence.

EX: By "imagination," then, I mean the free intellectual and sensory play of the mind.

4:Use commas between items in a series.

EX:The frigid, snowy, windy day was typical of Minnesota in January.

5:Use commas before and after a quotation within a sentence.

EX:"Cooperation between government and industry," the president said, "must exist if the country is to prosper."

6:Use a comma before an afterthought or contrasting element.

EX: For Canada, the War of 1812 was vitally important, far more important than it was for Britain.

7:Use commas to set off geographical names, items in date, and professional titles.

EX:The speaker that day was from Atlanta, Georgia; she discussed the discrimination against blacks which still exist there.


Those are the comma rules. No read through your Post and get rid of any comma that does not fall underthose rules, and add any that are needed. I will not bring up Comma's again in this post, so if you have any questions please feel free to PM me.

He had just shut the door behind him when an arrow came whizzing through the air and embedded itself in the door just above his head. Startled, he spun around and drew his shortswords, only to come face to face with a tall man holding a longbow grinning a little childishly. He wore a dark green hooded cloak and had a quiver of odd-looking arrows on his back.

Get rid of this word. It distracts from the point of the sentence, and breaks formality.

The man walked up to White and introduced himself as Learon. He said he was a bit of a practical joker. No kidding, thought White, though he must have decent aim to be able to do that without thinking that he could miss and kill me. Learon was wearing almost entirely dark green clothing...at least it appeared dark green. He looked at it from another angle and it seemed to turn grey.

Please put Italics around all thoughts.

I think the bolded part should be combined into a single sentence, it's a little choppy and disrupts the flow of the work.

Checking around the corridor he found himself in, he noticed that the walls had been painted a dark green colour, but the floor was just grey concrete. There was a sign on the wall saying "New arrivals this way" with an arrow pointing down the corridor. White headed down the corridor in that direction, noting the cheap looking fluorescent lighting that was swaying forlornly from the ceiling. When he noticed Learon following him, he turned to him and asked why he was doing so.

An Okay Paragraph this one is.

"I always like showing up and giving the new students a bit of a scare," said Learon with a bit of a chuckle. Learon took his hood off his head so that White could see his face. He *seemed rather unkempt; his hair was brown and all over the place, and his eyes were green and wild-looking.

Combine the underlined sentences together, they look very choppy like that.

*Well is he or isin't he? Remember this is in third person veiw so it is fine to say he was rather unkempt.

Thats a rather "meh" Description, I'm sure you can come up with a better one then that.

"AH! He's going to kill us!"

"I'm sure it- wait, who are you?"

"Hm, that was odd..."

"What was odd...?"

"Hm? Oh, nothing..."

"Oh, we're nothing now, are we?!"

I find it odd that Red would care about the other aspects.

"Who was that?" said Learon, as he looked around wildly for the source of the voice. "It sounded an awful lot like you..."

"Uh, it's a bit of a story. Let's just say he's a part of my mind. A fragment, if you will. I try to keep them secret mostly, but it isn't easy when they do that"

"Said Learon" is a very boring way to say that why not try something like "Learon Asked, Learon Questioned, Learon said quizzicly" Something along those lines would fit better.

"Ah, who cares..."

"I do! I don't want everyone calling me a freak..."

"Don't worry, there's none of that here. Most of the Dome's students are abnormal in some way. I'm pretty much as normal as they come."

"I can see we're in for a fascinating experience here."

"Yes, indeed you are."

"Now, I haven't asked where we are yet, so where on Earth are we?"

indeed doesn't fit there. Use another word or just get rid of it.

"We're not on earth, we're in some sort of weird extradimensional pocket of space. At least I think that's what they told me...I can't really remember."

"Fascinating..."

*Approves* XD

The pair reached the end of the corridor and entered a large hall full of tables. The floor had a black and white checkered pattern, and White noticed a pair of people taking advantage of this to play a large-sized game of chess. The pieces seemed to be moving of their own volition, but after a minute of observation, Purple pointed out that they were probably using telekinesis or a similar power.

"large-sized" Wouldn't "Human-Sized" fit better? Large could just mean the peices where bigger then usual, Human-sized tells the reader just how big they are.

"Oddballs...I'm going to fit in well here." thought White with a smile on his face.

"So it would appear."

A few people were sitting at the tables consuming various foods. Learon explained that this was the Dome's main canteen. He proceeded to tell White that there were a few restaurants dotted around the campus, and the food there was excellent. One of the reasons he was staying here, in fact. White realized he hadn't had anything to eat since the incident with the crate and decided to order something.

"Various foods"...Err...something doesn't sound right about this description...

The underlined part is confusing, and unneeded.

This paragraph is a tad dull, try rewritting this one plz.

He checked out the menu : nothing too special, but they did serve nice looking sandwiches. The egg salad *ones looked decent, so he bought one of those. Nothing special, but much better than the dried rations he'd been living off just a day or two ago. Once he'd bought the sandwich, they headed over to a nearby table and sat down; the seats were surprisingly comfortable. Purple took the opportunity to ask Learon a few more questions about the Dome.

How many different type of egg salad sandwich are there? XP Also hate it when people use the same word twice in one sentence, so take out one of those "ones" please.

He bought the food. They sat down. The seats where comftrable. He asked questions about the dome. All rather dull and choppy, try combing sentences, and varying your sentence types.

"So, who came up with this place, anyway?"

"You know, I'm not sure. It's been around for as long as anyone I know can remember."

"And you said it was a training facility, so who are the teachers?"

"The teachers? They're all over the place. You might have seen one already and not have known it."

"But how do classes work and things like that?

"Well, I'm not exactly sure. I haven't been here long either, you know."

Jeeze Purple is annoying, he just has to know everything.

Once he'd finished the sandwich and had enough of watching the chess players, they walked out through a different door, much to Purple's irritation *: he'd been interested to see how the game ended. They emerged into another corridor, only this one was lined with doors. Each door had a name on it, and White noticed that some of the names were a bit...odd. I mean, what kind on name is "Falenor"? The doors themselves were for the most part plain, brown affairs, though the occasional one had some symbol or other stuck on it, no doubt something to do with that room's occupant. Eventually, they came to Learon's door, and he vanished inside with a rushed goodbye, leaving White out in the corridor without a clue what was going on.

*No space here.

"I mean, what kind on name is "Falenor"?" XD Lawl.

"Oh brilliant...that's the second time that's happened. Grr...*

"Now, now, I don't think he'd have just left us here. This may be another test.*

"Yes, it is possible that we are required to use what we know of the Dome so far to determine where to go next...*

"Or we could just bash our way through all the doors until we find someone to help us.*

"...**that would be the dumb thing to do.*

"It would also be an invasion of private property, most likely."

"Yeah, and I don't think it would be terribly pleasant for the room's occupants, either."

"Grr...aw, I wanted to bash stuff."

"Cheer up! You got to carry the crate and dig that hole, right?

"I guess so...thanks.*

"Anytime, Magenta!*

"Um, yes alright, but what are we meant to do in the meantime?"

"Eh, who cares, let's just sit here."

"I say we find Learon again and stab him until he tells us what to do next!"

"He probably deserves it"

"That would just be wrong."

"Hurting others will only hurt yourself in the long run..."

"I don't know, I feel pretty good about it! How about we test this out on you..."

"All right, none of that. We need to be thinking here."

*You forgot the end quote.

**You forgot your capitalization.

"Well, that was certainly amusing to listen to..." the voice sounded bored and more than a little bit sarcastic.

White spun around at the sound of the voice. He saw that he was facing a door with "Tsuukai" written on it. Slapping himself for not telling his fragments to hold that conversation in his mind, he walked tentatively up to the door and raised a hand to knock.

Just a character thing, Tsuukai usually is blunt and to the point so he would not have used that word there. It's your first time using him so that's okay.

"No need for that, I know you're there, White..." came the reply from the other side of the door. The voice was more than a little bit creepy, and it rather unnerved him.

"I was wondering when you'd show up...a few more minutes and I'd have gotten bored and left. Lucky for you..." It sounded to White as though it might not have been altogether lucky for him, but he tried to put that thought aside as he waited for the door to open.

"came the reply from the other side of the door. The voice was more than a little bit creepy, and it rather unnerved him." Would sound much better as "Came the creepy, unnerrving voice from the other side of the door," Notice how I combined the two sentences to make it flow better.

Another character thing. Tsuukai usually doesn't not use contractions, or Slang in his speech as he usually is very formal.



Okay fix that stuff, and the Comma Errors following the rules from above, and then post here when your done. Then you'll get your next assignment.

Okay I have two pieces of assigned reading for you(Don't worry one is just a single post) The first is the first eight posts of "Shadows Favored". Whilst reading I want you to keep in mind sentence structure, and description. Also I need you to read Post 31 of Broken Blades, the reason I need you to read this will be explained in your next assignment. Feel free to read the rest of the battle if you like.

Alright, done. $5 says I missed at least 3 comma errors...v_v

Oh, and I haven't started the reading yet because I wanted to get that post cleared up ASAP, but I've just started on it now.

And I'm still not entirely happy with Learon's description, so I might end up re-doing that again at some point. But it'd take more thinking time than I currently have, so I'm putting this up now rather than waiting.

About seven or Eight comma mistakes. Much better though.

*Approves*

You need to do your reading before you do this next assignment, as the place White is entering just happens to be the place I described in that post.

Also.

ASSIGNMENT TIME!

Have white enter the room I described in that post, if you have any questions about it PM me. I want him to wander around a little bit untill he finds Tsuukai Sitting on a throne made out of that black goop on the ceiling. Have Tsuukai say something about testing white, and end the post with Ghostly Figures Emerging from the blackness. No word count, but I am expecting a good description of the Throne, and room in general.

OoC : Here we go. *Crosses fingers*

BiC : Knock knock knock

White rapped his knuckles against the door, noting that it turned black as he did so. Something seemed to be flowing over the door from the inside, something black which had covered it entirely within a matter of seconds. A second attempt to knock on the door saw White's fist covered in a thin layer of what he at first took to be ink, but that on closer inspection seemed a little too thick for that. He tried getting Brown to cast something to figure out what it was, but try as he might, Brown couldn't glean any information about it whatsoever.

"Alright, so any ideas?"

"Surprisingly, no...it's like nothing I've ever seen before."

"Well, whoever is on the other side of the door probably wants us to go through, so I don't see any moral reasons not to."

"And I would wager a considerable amount that the owner of this door has considerably more knowledge regarding the nature of this substance than we do. Information that I would like to have myself."

"Really? What a surprise..."

"Just because you're uneducated."

"Alright, none of that, it's counterproductive"

"Cyan is right...united we stand, divided we fall.

"Uh, why do we care what it is again?"

"Because we probably need to go through this door, that's why."

"Whatever..."

"I think we should go through the door so we can get on with our training."

"Yeah! More strength, here we come!

"But we don't know what we're up against! It might be dangerous...

"Wuss."

"Ignoramus."

"Perhaps we should send someone ahead to check out the room first rather than charging in heedlessly..."

"That is a good point, But we still need to open the door."

The fragments agreed, so White reached out a hand to open the door. The only indication of a door handle was a slightly thicker concentration of ink-like substance, so White plunged his hand into the glob of stuff to feel around for anything he could open the door with. After a minute or so of groping around in the pocket of weird stuff he located a door knob, which felt unusually smooth to the touch. His hand kept slipping off it as he turned it, but he eventually managed to get a decent grip on it. Once he'd opened the door, what he saw when he looked through it gave everyone a shock...even Black.

Instead of seeing a room as he'd expected to, White was confronted with a massive expanse of space that seemed to stretch on to infinity. A quick glance around the space revealed that the floor and ceiling were covered in the same substance that had oozed out over the door. It was incredibly dark in the space, so White summoned to cast a light spell for him. Blue was rather unnerved by the location to begin with, so when his spell simply failed to work he was so distressed that he unsummoned himself immediately.

White took a second to take stock of the situation. The black goop was covering everything in sight and seemed not to be evenly distributed over the floor as one would expect, but rather rising and falling constantly as though someone had frozen a giant sea of blackness and left the waves as they were. Some of the bizarre substance was flowing in giant columns from the ceiling to the floor, while some was seemingly defying gravity by pouring from the floor upwards into the ceiling. Massive balls of the dark substance could also be seen rising and falling in various places; White almost got hit by one while he was looking around the space. The amounts of stuff rising and falling must have evened each other out, as there didn't seem to be any change in the amounts on either surface.

"Ooh! Manifest me now! I want to see this place for myself!"

"...Alright, I guess I could use the information. Green? I'll send you out to have a look as well."

"Well, the visibility is terrible, but I'll do what I can."

White focused for a second, then summoned his Purple and Green fragments. Green was hardly visible at the best of times, but with the low visibility and the dark background he was all but invisible. After taking a quick look around, he slipped off to quickly scout the surrounding area. Meanwhile, Purple picked up a handful of the black stuff to examine. It seemed to flow out of his palm like any other liquid would, so after a minute or two of examination he got bored of it and tossed it away. As he watched the trajectory, he noticed that the blob not only stayed together, but it flew toward the ceiling and landed on it. Curiosity aroused, he muttered something under his breath, a spell that allowed him to jump a decent distance into the air. He "fell" towards the ceiling once he got to a certain height, almost crying out with shock when he did. White was watching throughout this process, so he didn't immediately notice Green when he showed up with information.

"Ahem..."

"GAH! Oh, it's just you. What did you find?"

"Well...nothing that looks too dangerous. You should come and see for yourself...if I can remember the way."

"Alright. Purple! Get down from there and come with us!"

"...I don't think I entirely hate this place..."

"Whoa. Are you serious?"

"...Yeah..."

Purple jumped down off the ceiling so he could follow behind Green. He led them around in a complicated pattern which gave the impression that they were lost, until eventually Green stopped walking and looked around. White and Purple looked puzzled; this area looked exactly like every other place they'd been in this odd space...until they looked up and saw a man sitting on a throne that was attached to the ceiling.

The throne was facing away from them so they could only see the top of the man's head. It had some sort of writing on the back of it, though how it was written into the black liquid stuff none of them knew. The whole thing had nasty-looking spikes jutting out of it which disoriented you if you stared at them too long. White and his fragments walked around to see who was sitting in it and were confronted with a relatively large man wearing a dark cloak. There wasn't any doubt in any of their minds that this was Tsuukai, the man who they'd heard speaking through the door.

As he saw them walk around the throne, Tsuukai fixed his jet black eyes on each of them in turn, even Green who had turned invisible before they had come into his view. Purple held Tsuukai's gaze and recognised the spark of an exceptional intellect in his pitch black eyes. Green was so unnerved at being examined while invisible that he unsummoned himself within seconds, while White merely averted his gaze. When he looked back he saw that there were complicated etchings on this side of the throne, though how you etch something into a liquid still mystified him. As he puzzled over this Tsuukai began speaking in that same creepy voice they'd heard before.

"You took your time...are you ready to be tested...?"

"Sure! Bring it on!"

"Magenta..."

"Very well," Tsuukai uttered in a hollow voice. With a wave of his hand, several points of whiteness that emitted a cold light appeared off in the distance. As they got closer White noticed that they were roughly humanoid in shape, though he couldn't tell much beyond that at that distance. By way of preparation he summoned Magenta and Red, then allowed himself to become dominated by Orange, risky as that was. Feeling as prepared as he was ever going to be, he stared off into the blackness at the ever-growing figures.

Originally Posted by MrRandom

Knock knock knock

White rapped his knuckles against the door and noticed that it turned black as he did so. Something seemed to be flowing over the door from the inside, and had covered it entirely within a matter of seconds. A second attempt to knock on the door saw White's fist covered in a thin layer of what he at first took to be ink, but that on closer inspection seemed a little too think for that. He tried getting Brown to cast something to figure out what it was, but try as he might, Brown couldn't glean any information about it whatsoever. Not even Purple had any clue what it could be.

Spelling error-Should be "thick"

Get rid of that sentence it really has nothing to do with the paragraph, or topic.

"Alright, so any ideas?"

"Surprisimgly, no...it's like nothing I've ever seen before."

"Well, whoever is on the other side of the door probably wants us to go through, so I don't see any moral reasons not to."

"And I would wager a considerable amount that the owner of this door has considerably more knowledge regarding the nature of this substance than we do. Information that I would like to have myself."

"Really? What a surprise..."

"Just because you're uneducated."

"Alright, none of that, it's counterproductive"

"Cyan is right...united we stand, divided we fall.

"Uh, why do we care what it is again?"

"Because we probably need to go through this door, that's why."

"Whatever..."

"I think we should go through the door so we can get on with our training."

"Yeah! More strength, here we come!

"But we don't know what we're up against! It might be dangerous...

"Wuss."

"Ignoramus."

"Perhaps we should send someone ahead to check out the room first rather than charging in heedlessly..."

"That is a good point. But we still need to open the door."

Spelling error-Surprisingly

*Whaps* Never ever start a sentence with "but."

All the fragments involved in the discussion agreed, and White reached out a hand to open the door. The only indication of a door handle was a slightly thicker concentration of ink-like substance, so White plunged his hand into the glob of stuff and felt around for a door handle. After a minute or so of groping around in the pocket of weird stuff,* he located a door knob, which felt unusually smooth to the touch. His hand kept slipping off it as he turned it, but he eventually managed to get a decent grip and open the door. What he saw when he looked through it gave everyone a shock...even Black.

Ehhh~ Find a way to get rid of thr word "and" in this sentence, it sticks out like a sore thumb, distracting the reader.

Try not to repeat words in the same sentence, there are many other words to describe it, try "Doorknob" for example.

*Get rid of the comma.

Instead of seeing a room as he'd expected to, White was confronted with a massive expanse of space that seemed to stretch on to infinity. A quick glance around the space revealed that the floor and ceiling were covered in the same substance that had oozed out over the door. It was incredibly dark in the space, so White summoned Blue and had him cast a light spell. Blue was rather unnerved by the location to begin with, so when his spell simply failed to work*, he was so distressed that he unsummoned himself immediately.

*Get rid of this Comma.

White took a second to take stock of the situation. The black goop was covering everything in sight and seemed not to be evenly distributed over the floor as one would expect, but rather rising and falling constantly as though someone had frozen a giant sea of blackness and left the waves as they were. Some of the bizarre substance was flowing in giant columns from the ceiling to the floor, while some was seemingly defying gravity and pouring from the floor upwards into the ceiling. The two must have evened each other out, as there didn't seem to be any change in the amounts on either surface. After a minute or two of looking around the place, White looked up and saw a massive blob of the dark substance and just had time to jump out of the way. He noticed that massive globs almost as big as himself were rising and falling all over the place.

Two things. Firstly; The comma here is not needed, Secondly; The last sentence here is really choppy and distracted me from the point of the paragraph, I suggest scraping it or finding a way to combine it with the sentence before it.

"Ooh! Manifest me now! I want to see this place for myself!"

"...*alright, I guess I could use the information. Green? I'll send you out to have a look as well."

"Well, the visibility is terrible, but I'll do what I can."

*Whaps* Capitilization Ran-Ran, Capitilization.

White focused for a second and summoned his Purple and Green fragments. Green was hardly visible at the best of times, but with the low visibility and the dark background he was all but invisible. After taking a quick look around, he slipped off to have a look around. Meanwhile, Purple picked up a handful of the black stuff and examined it. It seemed to flow out of his palm like any other liquid would, and he quickly got bored of it and tossed it away. As he watched the trajectory, he noticed that the blob not only stayed together, but it flew toward the ceiling and landed on it. Curiosity aroused, he muttered something under his breath and jumped a decent distance into the air. He "fell" towards the ceiling once he got to a certain height, and almost cried out with shock. White was watching throughout this process and so didn't immediately notice Green when he showed up with information.

Ah, you seem to love the word "and" don't you. Okay here's the task I have for you. Go through this post, and everytime you see the word "and" I want you to find a way to get rid of it. I want at least 50% of the "and"'s gone. Kay?

Two things here. One; That comma should not be there, Secondly; you used the same word twice in a short sentence. I would like you to change that for me.

"Ahem..."

"GAH! Oh, it's just you. What did you find?"

"Well...nothing that looks too dangerous. You should come and see for yourself...if I can remember the way."

"Alright. Purple! Get down from there and come with us!"

"...I don't think I entirely hate this place..."

"Whoa. Are you serious?"

"...*yeah..."

*poke* -_-

*Ahem*

Purple jumped down off the ceiling and followed behind Green. He led them around in a complicated-looking pattern, and for a while it seemed like they were lost, until eventually Green stopped walking and looked around. White and Purple looked puzzled; this area looked exactly like every other place they'd been in this odd space...until they looked up and saw a man sitting on a throne that was attached to the ceiling.

Get rid of the word looking.

The throne was facing away from them so they could only see the top of the man's head. It had some sort of writing on the back of it, though how it was written into the black liquid stuff none of them knew. The whole thing was adorned with nasty-looking spikes which seemed to be constantly shifting, though when you stared at one it remained still until you moved your eyes away from it. White and his fragments walked around to see who was sitting in it and were confronted with a relatively large man wearing a dark cloak. There wasn't any doubt in any of their minds that this was Tsuukai, and that it had been him speaking to them through the door.

Okay this sentence is a little bit confusing. I'm not sure what your getting at.

As he saw them walk around the throne, Tsuukai fixed his jet black eyes on each of them in turn, even Green who had turned invisible before they had come into his view. Purple held Tsuukai's gaze and recognised the spark of an exceptional intellect in his pitch black eyes. Green was so unnerved at being examined while invisible that he unsummoned himself within seconds, while White merely averted his gaze. When he looked back,* he saw that there were complicated etchings on this side of the throne, though how you etch something into a liquid still mystified him. As he puzzled over this,* Tsuukai began speaking in that same creepy voice they'd heard before.

Spelling error-recognized

*Both of these commas should be deleted asap. ^_^

"You took your time...are you ready to be tested...?"

"Sure! Bring it on!"

"Magenta..."

Magenta is not that smart is he? XD

"Very well," Tsuukai uttered in a hollow voice. With a wave of his hand, several points of whiteness somehow devoid of any light appeared off in the distance. As they got closer,* White noticed that they were roughly humanoid in shape, though he couldn't tell much beyond that at that distance. By way of preparation he summoned Magenta and Red, and allowed himself to become dominated by Orange, risky as that was. Feeling as prepared as he was ever going to be, he stared off into the blackness at the ever-growing figures.

Whiteness cannot be devoid of light...

*Bad comma, bad. *Hits comma with a newspaper*


Very good, I love your description of Tsuukai's room, and I felt you captured Tsuukai very well. Good job ^_^


Aaaaaaaand~ Reading Assignment time! Every Man for Himself. I want you to keep in mind sentence styles, and descriptive words whilst reading this passage. It's a tourny thread so it's small...you can read it all. ^_^


P.S: Sorry for the wait I was out all yesterday.

All right, edits are done. *Glares at all the commas in the recycling punctuation bin*

I'll get on with the reading ASAP.

EDIT : Forgot to take some of the and's out. My brain keeps just blipping over them, so it took several checks to get rid of most of them. The ones I left I couldn't think of a better replacement for, so I left them as is.

Also : I knew about but's, that was a typo and meant to be a comma.

I don'think I like you anymore, after you put me on trail in the Homeroom ;_;

ASSIGNMENT TIME

It's fighting time! Have white realize the clones actually are clones of him, and his fragments, meaning that each time he summons a fragment one of the clones takes on that fragments abilities. Make the battle short, and sweet. End it with White Finishing off the last one. Simple enough right? Wrong! I don't want you to use the word "and" once. have fun ^_^

OoC : No use of and, huh...*gulps*

BiC : White stood watching the ghostly figures approach while idly twirling Orange's flaming meteor hammer. As they got closer White was able to make out the features on their faces...features that looked disturbingly familiar. The equipment they carried also gave White a sense of deja vu. As a test, White decided to manifest Purple, but when he did so another of the translucent figures appeared that resembled the fragment he'd just summoned.

"Curious...this test must have been specifically made for us...right down to the last detail, these would appear to be copies of us."


"So it would appear. Now, are we all ready?"

"Hell yeah!"

"Finally, a chance for a good fight."

"My mind is filling with the best spells for this battle as we speak."


"Well then...let's go!"

With Orange taking even more control of him as their opponents got within striking distance White held out his hand, from which a beam of fire was projected towards his own doppleganger. When the spell failed to achieve any apparent effect he raised his meteor hammer above his head, running in a zig-zag pattern towards it, spinning the hammer as he ran. Just as he was about to strike a sudden burst of force knocked him of his feet, which Orange recognized as the telekinesis he usually uses.

Purple muttered something under his breath which flung White to his feet immediately. One hastily cast spell later White was hurtling toward Purple's clone twirling his hammer. Mesmerized by the spinning meteor hammer the translucent clone felt the full force of it once White reached him. The blow knocked the clone off it's feet, sending it flying through a blob of the inky black material falling from the ceiling, at which point White lost track of it. A quick scan of the area by Purple revealed that it had disappeared.

"You see why you can't rely on spells, Purple? One good hit puts you right out of the action."

"Now is not the- no, wait a minute...the opposite applies, you realize. One good spell that binds you to the spot would render you completely helpless, Magenta."

With that, Purple began sketching a series of symbols in the air while speaking the words that would form another spell. He was so preoccupied with this that he didn't notice Magenta's clone charging at him until it was far too late to jump aside. Staring at the massive, eerily white greatsword come flying towards him Purple remained rooted to the spot until Magenta tackled him out of the way, getting sliced in the leg as a result.

Magenta hit the ground, unable to get up; the attack had severed the tendon in his right leg. White was too preoccupied fighting his own copy to unsummon him, so Magenta's clone went in to finish him off. There wasn't anything he could do to stop it short of raising his own weapon for a few parries. Luckily for him, Purple recovered quickly, grabbed the Magenta clone, then used a quick invocation to send them both flying up to the roof. He jumped back down using magic afterward, leaving Magenta's clone stuck up there since he was unable to cast a spell to get back down. The copy tried to jump back down, but it was way too far to jump unaided.

Purple watched the Magenta copy glare furiously at him for a second or two, then turned his attention to the two remaining copies. After making sure Magenta wasn't going to die if left he ran over to help the others. Red and his clone seemed to be evenly matched, but White's lack of expertise with Orange's abilities compared to Orange's clone coupled with the constant yammering in his head of Orange and a few other fragments who seemed not to care about the battle meant he was being rapidly outmatched. The pair swung their meteor hammers at each other repeatedly, sparks flying when they collided. Both weapons were searingly hot, which Purple assumed was the cause of several nasty burn marks on White's skin.

Not being under attack was a huge advantage for Purple. He was able to devote his full energy to a powerful water spell without fear of attack, so after a minute or so he sent a powerful torrent at Orange-White's clone. The blast struck the clone square on, knocking it flying into a nearby pillar of inky black stuff. It came flying out a few seconds later, zipping around seemingly at random, raining fireballs on everyone in sight. White was able to make some sense of the ghostly figures attacking pattern, meaning he was able to predict it's arrival on a certain spot at one point, then hurl the meteor-hammer at the spot. It hit the clone right between the eyes, causing it to collapse, disappearing before it had hit the ground.

The pair turned their attention to Red's battle, which remained deadlocked. Red and his clone were stuck in a constant swordplay struggle, neither able to land a blow on the other without being struck himself. It seemed to Red that he would be unable to defeat his opponent, until White with Purple following behind him showed up to offer assistance. A swift blow from Orange's meteor hammer caught the Red clone by surprise, stunning it momentarily. This gave Red an opening to plunge his greatsword through the eerie figure's chest; it dissipated almost immediately.

White regained total control of his mind from Orange with some difficulty, as Orange was unwilling to let go. Noticing Magenta's condition, he dashed over immediately preparing to summon Yellow, only just remembering in time that Magenta's clone was still up on the roof, meaning that another summon would produce another of the creepy copies. Purple spent several minutes preparing a rather powerful spell, then blasted the Magenta copy with several tons of pure force, dissipating it instantly. White summoned Yellow, who healed Magenta, then the five of them turned to face Tsuukai, waiting to see how he would react.

Originally Posted by MrRandom

White stood watching the ghostly figures approach while idly twirling Orange's flaming meteor hammer. As they got closer White was able to make out the features on their faces...features that looked disturbingly familiar. *Another interesting observation was that they were equipped with gear identical to that being used by him and the currently summoned fragments. As a test, White decided to manifest Purple, but when he did so another of the translucent figures appeared that resembled the fragment he'd just summoned.

*I don't like this sentence, it sounds to much like an essay instead of a story.

"Curious...this test must have been specifically made for us."


"So it would appear. Now, are we all ready?

"Hell yeah!"

"Finally, a chance for a good fight."

"My mind is filling with the best spells for this battle as we speak."


"Well then...let's go!"

*Thumbs up*

With Orange taking even more control of him as their opponents got within striking distance White held out his hand, from which a beam of fire was projected towards his own doppleganger. When the spell failed to achieve any apparent effect,* he raised his meteor hammer above his head, running in a zig-zag pattern towards it, spinning the hammer as he ran. Just as he was about to strike,* a sudden burst of force knocked him of his feet, a force** which Orange recognized as the telekinesis he usually uses.

*No comma,

*Once again no comma.

**Try using a different word here.

Purple muttered something under his breath which flung White to his feet immediately. One hastily cast spell later White was hurtling toward Purple's clone twirling his hammer. Mesmerized by the spinning meteor hammer,* the translucent clone felt the full force of it once White reached him. The blow knocked the clone off it's feet, sending it flying through a blob of the inky black material falling from the ceiling, at which point White lost track of it. A quick scan of the area by Purple revealed that it had disappeared.

*No comma.

"You see why you can't rely on spells, Purple? One good hit puts you right out of the action."

"Now is not the- no, wait a minute...the opposite applies, you realize. One good spell that binds you to the spot would render you completely helpless, Magenta."

With that, Purple began sketching a series of symbols in the air while speaking the words that would form another spell. He was so preoccupied with this that he didn't notice Magenta's clone charging at him until it was far too late to jump aside. Staring at the massive, eerily white greatsword come flying towards him,* Purple remained rooted to the spot until Magenta tackled him out of the way, getting sliced in the leg as a result.

*Comma, you know the drill.

Magenta hit the ground, unable to get up *again; the attack had severed the tendon in his right leg. White was too preoccupied fighting his own copy to unsummon him, so when Magenta's clone went in to finish him off,** there wasn't anything he could do to stop it short of raising his own weapon for a few parries. Luckily for him, Purple recovered quickly, grabbed the Magenta clone, then used a quick invocation to send them both flying up to the roof. He jumped back down using magic afterward, leaving Magenta's clone stuck up there since he was unable to cast a spell to get back down. The copy tried to jump back down, but it was way too far to jump unaided.

*Get rid of "again" it is not needed.

**This comma should be a period.

Purple watched the Magenta copy glare furiously at him for a second or two, then turned his attention to the two remaining copies. After making sure Magenta wasn't going to die if left*, he ran over to help the others. Red and his clone seemed to be evenly matched, but White's lack of expertise with Orange's abilities compared to Orange's clone coupled with the constant yammering in his head of Orange and a few other fragments who seemed not to care about the battle meant he was being rapidly outmatched. The pair swung their meteor hammers at each other repeatedly, sparks flying when they collided. Both weapons were searingly hot, which Purple assumed was the cause of several nasty burn marks on White's skin.

*Guess what? XD

Not being under attack was a huge advantage for Purple. He devoted his full energy to a powerful water spell without fear of attack, after a minute or so *releasing a powerful torrent at Orange-White's clone. The blast struck the clone square on, knocking it flying into a nearby pillar of inky black stuff from which it burst out of a few seconds later, **zooming at random throughout the area, raining fireballs on everyone in sight. White was able to make some sense of the ghostly figures attacking pattern, meaning he was able to predict it's arrival on a certain spot at one point, then hurl the meteor-hammer at the spot. It hit the clone right between the eyes, causing it to collapse, disappearing before it had hit the ground.

*Okay at this part it gets confusing, I think your tenses are messed up.

**Say what? I don't understand this sentence.

The pair turned their attention to Red's battle, which remained deadlocked. Red and his clone were locked* in a constant swordplay struggle, neither able to land a blow on the other without being struck himself. The use of fire magic proved fruitless also, *and* it seemed to Red that he would be unable to defeat his opponent, until White with Purple following behind him showed up to offer assistance. A swift blow from Orange's meteor hammer caught the Red clone by surprise, stunning it momentarily. This gave Red an opening to plunge his greatsword through the eerie figure's chest; it dissipated almost immediately.

*Ehhh~ You just used the word "deadlocked" a few seconds earlier, that is a tad bit boring. Changing the word would be nice.

I spy with my little eye, an and. =O

White regained total control of his mind from Orange with some difficulty, as Orange was unwilling to let go. Noticing Magenta's condition, he dashed over immediately preparing to summon Yellow, only just remembering in time that Magenta's clone was still up on the roof, meaning that another summon would produce another of the creepy copies. Purple spent several minutes preparing a rather powerful spell, then blasted the Magenta copy with several tons of pure force, dissipating it instantly. White summoned Yellow, who healed Magenta, then the five of them turned to face Tsuukai, waiting to see how he would react.

Goooood~

Okay fix that stuff up...oh and this is the last time I will be focusing on grammar, I think you've gotten much better in that respect so next time I am going to work on stylistic elements, MMMkay?

OH reading assignment time. Unsolved Murder: Mark's Manor. Its a rather long assignment this time as I want you to read it all, then tell me who you think is the killer. Okay?


BTW sorry for the wait.

Alright, edits are done. *Gets on with the reading*

EDIT : Reading is done. I'll decide on who I'm suspicious of when my brain starts working again.

~~~~~

"Impressive," The Master of shadows said coldly as the chair he sat on melted into the ground. With slow movements the Black eyed teacher pushed himself to the ground white was standing on, staring so hard into his eyes it looked as though he was staring into white's soul, "It is time for the next test."


~~~~~


ASSIGMENT TIME
Have Tsuukai clap his hand and transform the world around them into a vast forest with a huge mountain in the distance, a strange light emitting from it's peak. Tsuukai will explain that White's task is to get to the top and take whatever is creating the light. Tsuukai will disappear leaving Whote to his own Devices, have it end with white getting caught in a trap about 3/4's of the way through the forest. 1'500 word minimum.

OoC : Alright, that took a bit longer than usual.

BiC : "Impressive," The Master of shadows said coldly as the chair he sat on melted into the ground.

"Yay, impressive! Good work everyone!"

"What else would you expect from such a master of combat as myself?"

"Oh please. It was my quick thinking and spellcraft that saved the day."

"Your spellcraft would have gotten you killed if it wasn't for me!"


"Bah! That clone would have ripped you apart if I hadn't stepped in!"

"Alright you two, cool off..."

"Yeah, you're really starting to get on my nerves..."

"...all right."

"...fine.'

"Good. United we stand, divided we fall."

Magenta and Purple agreed, though grudgingly. White commanded them to be quiet as Tsuukai began to move again. With slow movements the Black eyed teacher pushed himself to the ground white was standing on, staring so hard into his eyes it looked as though he was staring into white's soul, "It is time for the next test."

Tsuukai clapped his hands; the sound seemed to echo around the space, reverberating in an eerie manner before finally dissipating. As White looked around the pillars of black stuff seemed to shimmer slightly. Light began streaming into the space from above; when White looked up he could see what he assumed to be the sun in the sky. Once he looked back down the strange, dark space he'd been in was gone, replaced by an endless expanse of forest. The trees were absolutely giant things, causing the canopy to block out almost all the sunlight on the forest floor.

Tsuukai and White were standing on a large hill in the middle of the forest that rose just above the tops of the trees. The hill was covered with short, emerald green grass that thinned out and disappeared near the forest's borders. As White surveyed the forest, Tsuukai pointed to the summit of a nearby mountain. When White failed to notice that he was doing so, he cleared his throat loudly, causing White to jump with surprise and look where he was pointing. The mountain's peak was barely visible below the clouds, and a bright light shone from the summit. With that, Tsuukai seemed to disappear into thin air.

"Oh great, now what the hell are we meant to do?"

"Eh, who gives a damn."

"I think Tsuukai wants us to climb the mountain to see whatever the luminescent object was."

"Gee, y'think?

"Now now, no need for that..."

"Oh good, a forest. I'll blend in well there...perhaps I should scout ahead before we go running in?"

"Why bother? Let's just charge through knocking down everything in our path!"

"And burning! We can burn, too!"

"Gah! Look, no forest fires-"

"Awww..."

"No rampant smashing-"

"Hmph..."

"And no need to get angry, alright Red?"

"Course there is, I am kind of the personification of your anger, you know, idiot."

"Well then, butt out. Green? Go scout for us, would you?"

"All right then."

"White...I've just had a thought. Could you summon me as well, perhaps?"

"Do I get to stab anyone yet?"

"I'll tell you when we meet someone you can stab."

"Bah, fine. You're no fun anyway."

With that, White focused for a few seconds and summoned Purple and Green. After a quick sprint down the hill, Green turned on his invisibility and crept stealthily into the forest. White remained on the side of the hill waiting for him to return, while Purple remained on the top of the hill absorbed in his spellcasting.

Green slipped between the oddly smooth tree trunks with almost perfect precision, making no sound at all as he made his way about the surrounding area. He noted that the tree branches didn't start until quite a way up the trunk, foiling any attempts to climb them. The trunks were also packed together far tighter than in your average forest, making passage in any given direction a near impossibility. Despite this, Green was able to use his scouting expertise to find a path through to a small clearing where they could reassess the situation. He was heading back to the hill when he heard a tiny twanging noise.

Instinctively rolling to the left, he managed to avoid being crushed completely by the large wooden log that fell from the canopy above him, however the log still crushed his right leg badly. He half-limped, half dragged himself back to the hill and collapsed unconscious upon reaching White, who unsummoned him immediately and got Yellow to begin healing him. After about five minutes of waiting, Green returned to consciousness and began to speak.

"...Alright, I found a small clearing we can head to, but I won't be in any shape to be summoned for quite some time so you'll have to follow my directions."

"I wouldn't worry, you'll be better in no time!"

"I doubt it...but anyway we'd best get moving. And you'll want to be careful of traps...for obvious reasons."

"Hmm...Erta infinis toro fokara..."

Purple finished the spell and gestured at his feet. To everyone's surprise he rose slowly but steadily into the air for a few seconds and then stopped, hovering a fair few metres above the top of the hill. Flushed with his success Purple tried to fly over the forest, but hee got a few metres before falling and crashing through the canopy.

"Haha! Nice work, brainiac."

"Yeah, let's see you do better," Purple muttered irritably as he stumbled back to the hill.

"Bah, you're not worth the effort."

"Guys, not now. We need to be concentrating."

"Right, so the way I see it we have a large expanse of strange-looking forest that's probably full of booby traps to walk through. We can't fly over, so our best bet is probably to cast some sort of shield and hope for the best.


"Bah! You and your-

"He happens to be right. Okay, we'll be needing you for this one, Cyan.

Cyan nodded in agreement and was summoned shortly thereafter. Working together with Purple, they were able to create a reasonably powerful shield against anything physical that might find itself flying towards White. Knowing that they'd only be able to keep the shield up for around 15 minutes at the most, White set off into the woods at a relatively fast pace. The trees seemed to be trying to force him away from the clearing, getting thicker and practically impenetrable as he neared it.

After an hour's worth of careful navigating, White finally reached the small clearing. Remembering what had happened to Green, he got Sienna to check the area for anything that might do him harm. There didn't appear to be anything dangerous, so he walked in and began setting up with the traveling supplies he'd been carrying with him since he arrived at the Dome. The clearing was barely the size of White's tent, so he had some difficulty setting it up, but got there eventually despite the constant beration from Purple that he was too dumb to set it up. The sky was getting darker, so White pulled out his sleeping bag and laid it down on the grass inside the tent. There was something a little unsettling about the forest, but the uneasy feeling quickly left White's mind as he fell asleep, exhusted from the day's trials.

"Okay, he's asleep now"

"Good. I'd like to know what's going on in this forest."

"Yes, that would be a rather interesting discovery..."

"Okay, Green! You're good to go now!"

"Ah...thanks, you're a miracle worker."

"No, just a good healer. But thanks!"

"Right then...here we go."

Green took advantage of White's dream state to get himself summoned, a loophole he'd found in the summoning system a while back. Slowly sneaking out of the campsite, he checked out the surrounding area but failed to find anything of interest. He was just about to give up and head back when he spotted another clearing with a well-camouflaged tent pitched in it. The tent was a dark green hue that blended almost seamlessly with the surrounding forest, meaning Green had walked right past it and not seen it. Turning on his invisibility, Green snuck into the tent to see who was inside.

He immediately recognised the tent's inhabitant as Learon, the archer who had greeted them with an arrow when they first arrived. Pushing the tent flap aside, he made the slightest rustling noise as it brushed against a nearby tree trunk. At once Learon jumped off the ground where he'd been sleeping and had an arrow aimed at the entrance within a second. Panicking, Green returned to visibility and slowly put his hands in the air.

"Hey, what are you doing here?"

"No, I think the question is what are you doing here, White? And why do you look all green?"

"Because I'm not White, I'm one of his fragments. White is peacefully asleep in a tent somewhere over there," said Green edgily, indicating another region of the forest. "So what are you doing camping out here anyway?"

"Same as you guys, I'm trying to get to the top of that mountain to claim whatever that shiny thing is. From what my teacher told me, it's pretty important."

"How important?"

"Well, something about being required to graduate. Anyway, I could use some sleep, so kindly go back to White. We'll talk in the morning."

"...Alright, I'll bring him here then."

"Good," said Learon sleepily, practically shoving Green out of the tent and closing it immediately. Soft snoring could be heard from within the tent a minute later. Green snuck back through the forest and unsummoned himself, being careful not to wake White during the process.

"Alright, you know that archer guy that we saw before? Well, he's headed for the mountain as well, and he seems to think that whatever was giving off the light is essential for graduation from this school or whatever you want to call it."

"Well then, we must get to it before he does, mustn't we! I think we'll be having a talk with White in the morning. Though I'm not sure Sienna would approve of you sneaking into his tent like that."

"Doesn't matter, he didn't think anything was happening tonight so he went to sleep."

"But why? We don't need to sleep, so it's just a waste of time."


"Time that is pointless can never be wasted, only passed through."

"Hm, I guess if he had nothing better to do..."

"Well anyway, we'll have a talk with White in the morning."


"Yes, we will won't we?" said Grey with an evil look on his face. Purple didn't like the look of it, but he was too busy with his usual studies to care. They all agreed to wait until the morning and then discuss it with White so the next morning when White woke up he was greeted with a sudden rush of conversation.

"Hey White, you'll never guess who-"

"Urgh, give me a break, I just woke up..." White grumbled, clearly irritated at having to talk this early.

"Well, that archer, Learon I think he was, is in this forest with us. He's trying to get to whatever's on the mountain before we do."

"Yes, and we have to get it before he does or we might not graduate!"

"Well, we'd better get- hang on, how do you know this?"

"I had Sienna search the surrounding area for anything of interest," Green said with a practiced air of truth.

"Oh, right...hm."

"Well, we'd best get going as quickly as possible."

"Agreed."

White set about packing up the camp, still rather tired from the events of the last few days. Something was still bugging him, though...something didn't quite fit here. He decided to ask Sienna when he woke up. After a few minutes of fumbling around in the dim light, White had packed up his gear and started to head off. Green pointed him towards where Learon was camped, so a short trip through the thickening trees found him at Learon's campsite.

"Hey, anyone here?"

"What! Who said that!" roared Learon, jumping to his feet with his bow in hand.

"Calm down, it's only me."

"Oh, right. Sorry about that, but after your-"

"Yes, well we have more pressing matters to discuss here."


"Excuse me, I was still in the middle of saying something."

"Oh well, never mind. Now, we both want to get the object on the summit before the other, right? But I still say we should co-operate at least until we get close."

"Yes, that sounds like an excellent plan."

"...All right, you seem like a trustworthy lot. So which way are we heading?"

"...hm...?"

"Nothing happening here Sienna, just go back to sleep."

"Oh, okay...hmm..."

"Anyway, we're heading that way," Green said quickly as White pointed into the forest.

"Alright, let's get going. No sense wasting any time around here, is there?"

"Indeed. Let's go."

Learon and White walked together through the forest towards the mountain. The trees seemed to get taller and thicker, forcing the two of them to separate on several occasions to negotiate a route forward. Soon, they were faced with a fork of sorts which offered no obvious indication as to which way led to the mountain. Luckily for them, Sienna was a specialist at determining that sort of thing.

"Sienna...wake up would you?"

"...hm? What- hey, where are we? Why didn't someone wake me!"

"Calm down, nothing interesting's happened. We just walked a little way with Learon, you know, that archer we met before."

"Yeah. And now we need you to tell us which of these directions we should be taking."

"All right, I think I can manage that. You'll have to summon me, though."

"Will I? I thought you could do this stuff from inside my mind..."


"Nope. What gave you that idea?"

"Probably nothing. Now come on, let's go already!" Green snapped, his voice a little shaky.

"Alright, alright. What's gotten into you?"

"Eh, it's nothing. Just sleepy."

"But you fragments don't get sleepy, do you?"

"Well, don't ask me! Just get on with it."

"Alright already!" said White tiredly. He then summoned Sienna, who spent a few seconds preparing the spell, then unsummoned himself once it was completed.

"Alright, it's-" Green put a hand over his mouth before he could finish the sentence."

"Not so loud! We've got something to discuss before we tell Learon."

"What? Look, why are we thinking this?"

"Just tell us which fork it is."

"It's the left fork. Now get off me, would you?"

"Very well. Grey?" said Green in a threatening manner, releasing Sienna as he did so.

"Ooh, goody. Now don't move or say a word Sienna, or I get to stab you. Clear?" Grey replied in an evil sounding voice, running over to Sienna and holding a blade to his throat.

"What are you-"

"Quiet now!"

"Okay good. Now, we want to get to this thing first, right? So I say we send Learon down the wrong path so we can get the light thing."

"This is a moral outrage! I'm going to tell him which way it is right now!"

"I'm sorry you feel that way. Grey?" he said coldly, drawing his shortbow and putting several arrows quickly in Sienna's left foot. Grey responded by cutting Sienna a few times. Sienna went to protest, but Green's poisoned arrows had subdued him enough that Grey was able to hold him down with relative ease.

"Okay, now he's out of the way we can discuss this without Mr. Goody two-shoes over there interrupting. So..."

"I'm not too thrilled by this plan, guys. I mean, Learon seems like a nice enough person..."

"What do you mean? He tried to shoot us, remember?"

"Aw come on, that was just a joke!"

"And this plan really isn't very nice to him, you know..."

"Exactly. Which is why we should do it!"

"This plan should end up confusing him...yay!"

"I think we have to. It's the only way to be sure we'll get the thing first. And we need the thing for graduation, or so he said."

"And what if he was wrong?"

"Still too great of a risk."

"And it would be good payback for that arrow he pulled on us!"


"Bah, why don't we just knock him out and run off?"

"You never had a mind for subtlety, Magenta..."

"If we knock him out, conflict. If we take him with us to the summit, conflict. If we lead him down the wrong path, we can avoid a conflict, so I'm all for that."

"How would you like it if someone did that to you, hm?"

"Well, we didn't like it when he fired that arrow! Payback time already!"

"Red has a point."

"I...hmm...Blue, you seem to be heavily outvoted. What about the others?"

"What goes around comes around..."

"I don't really give a damn..."

"The whole thing is rather sad..."

"It's all pointless anyway..."

"Then it's settled. We send him down the right fork."

"I...guess so..."

"Alright Learon, Sienna says that we're going down the right fork. Now, can you scout ahead and come back and tell us once you reach the base of the mountain?"

"Alright, you got it!" Learon replied enthusiastically.

"Okay, I'll be waiting here."

"Yeah, sure...heheh."

Once Learon was out of sight, White strode briskly up the left fork, casting furtive glances behind himself every few seconds. Unfortunately for him, at one point he turned his gaze back to the path to see a tree right in front of him. An instant later, he was on the ground with his head spinning. Just before he blacked out, White thought he saw a familiar pair of green eyes with just a hint of blue in them...

"You see? This is what comes of such a morally incorrect path. You should all be ashamed of yourselves." said Sienna, rousing just in time to chastise White before he fell unconscious.

When he came to, White was strung up in a sturdy rope net. He tried to cut the ropes with his blades but was surprised to note that they failed to cut through the net, which seemed to be made of mundane, normal rope. A quick look around revealed that he was strung up by a rather sturdy looking branch, other than that it seemed like just another part of the forest. Feeling rather irritated with his predicament and a bit guilty about Learon, White contemplated the best way to get out of his current situation.

OoC : Erm...it's close to 3,000 words, I guess I got a bit carried away. Glad I got it in in time though.

O_o

So

Very

Long.


You sure have a thing for diologue, but you description seems to suffer. I will offer no corrections this time but your assigment will have very strick rules, so prepare yourself.

ASSIGMENT TIME

Have white escape the trap and figure out Learon made it so he could get to the mountain first. Have them mad dash to the top of the mountain to find a white sword sticking out of the mountain's summit. End it with the two about to fight to see who gets the weapon.

Rules:
-Only 4 lines of talking at any one time.
-At least two full paragraphs between every burst of talking.
-Five metaphors, or Similies.
-The use of the word "and" is prohibited.
-less then 1500 words.

Have fun ^.^


Oh and your reading assigment is as follows Creations of Man. Read at least five posts, but feel free to read more.


I would like to say that you have improved by leaps and bounds, when you started is really no comparison to now, I am really proud of how far you have gone in such a short while.

OoC : Umm...damn. Well, I guess I have to learn this stuff sometime.

BiC : "A simple fire spell on the branch should do the trick..."

"Ooh, can I cast it?"

"No chance, you'll burn the whole forest down. I'll do it."

Orange grumbled for a little while, then eventually quieted down so White could cast the spell. A hasty incantation later, he was on the ground disentangling himself from the net when he noticed something odd about it: the rope, while appearing normal, seemed to be woven in with some sort of metallic thread. Purple pointed out that the thread was probably the reason it couldn't be cut, then demanded White keep a sample for further study. White muttered a simple spell to cut off a small piece of the odd rope, then pocketed it for later analysis.

Just as he was about to leave the small clearing, something caught White's eye. There was an arrow stuck in a tree nearby with a few fibers of rope stuck to it. It seemed clear that the trap had been triggered by the rope being cut, which led White to an obvious conclusion: Learon was responsible. Ignoring Sienna's rants about how he'd brought this upon himself, White plucked the arrow out of the tree then continued down the path, noting Learon's footprints on it with rising anger.

As he continued walking the trees began to thin out the closer he got to the mountain. Soon they had cleared enough that he could see it in the distance, rising up out of the horizon like a skyscraper. A little way down the track, White noticed that the trees were not only thinning out, they were getting steadily smaller the closer he got to the mountain, slowly losing their once verdant appearance in favour of a bent, haunting air.

He soon noticed that the sun was setting; he'd clearly been unconscious longer than he thought. It cast long shadows from the gnarled forms of the trees, shadows that seemed almost alive as they flickered slightly when the eye was not focused upon them. White continued on for a while as the trees got ever more sickly, eventually becoming twisted into bizarre, unnatural positions like some demented sculpture collection.

"Alright, that's just downright creepy."

"Well, we could just chop them all down..."

"No, that would be a waste of time. We must press onward."

Despite Magenta's complaints they continued at a faster pace, partly out of a desire to reach the mountain first, partly out of a wish to leave this strange forest. Once the sun had completely set, the moon became their only source of light, a pale disc in the sky that provided no comfort, only a chilling, eerie light. White quickened his pace even further until he was almost running.

A few minutes later they reached the foot of the mountain. A cliff rose suddenly out of the ground at the mountain's base, but luckily there was a tree nearby White could climb to get to the top of it. Quickly setting to work he got to the top within a matter of seconds, jumping out of the tree and landing precariously on top of the cliff. Once he regained his balance, he decided to take stock of his surroundings.

The side of the mountain was a ravaged, dead plain. There was no life to be seen on it anywhere, just a narrow path that wound it's way up the mountain like a dry riverbed, covered in what seemed to be black ash. The air was thick with choking dust, so White covered his mouth with the top of his shirt as he stumbled clumsily up the path. As he climbed, the moon rose higher in the sky, throwing him into sharp relief against the blackness of the mountain.

"Hmm...we'd be sitting ducks for an arrow if Learon was trying to snipe us here."

"Bah! Let him try! I've got a few fire spells he might like to meet."

"I think you will have that chance later, Red...something tells me we're not the only ones on this mountain."

"Well of course we're not, he was trying to get to the summit too, remember?"

White struggled on in total silence for what seemed like hours. He looked down to see the massive green carpet that was the forest spread out below him, extending all the way to the horizon in every direction, covering the land in a thick layer of green, save for the hill that White had arrived on, which was just visible on the horizon. Quickly turning back to the mountain, he struggled on for another minute or two before reaching the summit.

When he arrived there, the ground was covered in a whiter ash that gave the mountain the appearance of being snow-capped. He saw a small shrine of sorts, crumbling from years of disrepair. It was little more than a domed roof precariously balanced atop four worn-looking pillars. His attention was drawn inexorably to the sword stuck in a pedestal at the center of the shrine, shining brightly like a last gleam of hope in a fading world. It seemed to call out to him, but as he ran forwards to grab it an arrow whizzed right past his nose, making a ringing sound as it struck one of the shrine's pillars to his left. He spun around to find himself face to face with Learon. Suddenly overcome with anger, White blinked slowly; when he opened his eyes, they were a bright, burning red, as was his hair.

"So, we meet on the field of battle at last. This should be fun...vengeance always is."

"That's a bit rich coming from you isn't it?"

"Bah! We didn't actually attack you, now did we?"

"Frankly, I don't really care. We may have both come here for this sword, but only one of us is walking away with it."

The two of them paced around the sword's resting place like caged beasts, eyeing up one another cautiously, muscles tensed in preparation. White's hands strayed to the greatsword sheathed at his side, while Learon reached into his quiver for another arrow. A light breeze sprung up, blowing Learon's cloak about him as it lifted his hood off, throwing his hair back wildly. The weak light of the moon glinted off Red's greatsword as White drew it, casting a little light on his face as he waited for Learon to attack.

There was an almost palpable sense of tension in the air as the two figures silhouetted against the dark background stepped warily around the shrine in circles, neither willing to make the first move. Unable to control Red or his anger any longer, White smirked slightly as he charged forwards, greatsword in hand. This was going to be a fight to remember.

OoC : Okay, I went into this with a rather annoyed attitude, but I came out of it feeling like a better writer. Thanks for setting me this assignment, I believe the focus has been a HUGE help ^_^. I notice that I've been leaning to far towards "event" writing, focusing overly on what is actually happening, rather than "descriptive" writing, looking at the scene itself. So I need to look for a balance, I guess. Please bombard this post with as much criticism as you can muster in aid of this

Oh, and 1130 words in case you were wondering.

Originally Posted by MrRandom

"A simple fire spell on the branch should do the trick..."

"Ooh, can I cast it?"

"No chance, you'll burn the whole forest down. I'll do it."

I remember you saying once that the pieces of his mind exist in an alternate reality type thing in his head, right? What is it like there? You never did explain. Next post I think I would like a description, kay?

Orange grumbled for a little while, then eventually quietened down so White could cast the spell. A hasty incantation later, he was on the ground disentangling himself from the net when he noticed something odd about it *: the rope, while appearing normal, seemed to be woven in with some sort of metallic thread. Purple pointed out that the thread was probably the reason it couldn't be cut, then demanded White keep a sample for further study. White muttered a simple spell to cut off a small piece of the odd rope, then pocketed it for later analysis.

Three things firstly; the red text should be "Quieted", Secondly; there should be no space at the astrick, and Finally; You used to use "and" a lot not it is replaced by "then", iiiiinteresting =P

Just as he was about to leave the small clearing, something caught White's eye. There was an arrow stuck in a tree nearby, just below a cut piece of normal rope. It seemed clear that the trap had been triggered by the rope being cut, which led White to an obvious conclusion *: Learon was responsible.

Logic Time: The trap caused a net to pick him up and lift him off the ground right? How is it possible for a cut rope to have this effect? A rope uses tension, and thus force counteracting the force of gravity to hold something up, cutting a rope releases the tension causing whatever it was holding to be struck by gravity and fall, according to what you rope the trap was set up in a way that allowed a net to rise up, thus defying physics. See what I am getting at?

*Once again.

As he continued walking, the trees began to thin out the closer he got to the mountain. Soon, they had cleared enough that he could see it in the distance, rising up out of the horizon like a skyscraper.

Two comma errors, Guess where they are and you get a cookie ^.^

A little way down the track, White noticed that the trees were not only thinning out, they were getting steadily smaller the closer he got to the mountain, slowly losing their once verdant appearance in favour of a bent, haunting appearance.

Puck finds your vocabulary so very awsome.

Despite Magenta's complaints, they continued at a faster pace, partly out of a desire to reach the mountain first, partly out of a wish to leave this strange forest.

Remember that a comma is a half pause when speaking, read this over and tell me where a pause sounds odd.

A few minutes later, they reached the foot of the mountain.

Stop and think. Why is that comma there? What is it poupose? Should it even be there?

A cliff rose suddenly out of the ground at the mountain's base, but luckily there was a tree nearby White could climb to get to the top of it. When he tried, however, the tree seemed to hinder him at every turn as he attempted to reach toe top of it. White could swear he felt it try to grab him when he jumped out of it, but he managed to break free, landing precariously atop the cliff. He gained his balance quickly, then surveyed the mountainside he found himself on.

Hmmm~ This paragraph seems to be a lot of unneeded filler.

There was dust in the air, enough to make White choke, so he covered his mouth with the top of his shirt as he stumbled clumsily up the path.

This bolded part is very choppy, and does not flow very well at all. What if it was written like this, "There was enough dust in the air to make White choke..."

White struggled on in total silence for what seemed like hours, but was only half an hour at most.

The ending of this sentence is pointless and distacts from the sentence itself.

When he arrived there, the ground was covered in a whiter ash that gave the mountain the appearance of being snow-capped. He saw a small shrine of sorts, crumbling from years of disrepair, that looked looked it could collapse any minute. It was little more than a domed roof precariously balanced atop four worn-looking pillars.

You basically state the same thing twice here, the last part can be taken out as the point had already been made.

There was an almost palpable sense of tension in the air as the two figures silhouetted against the dark background stepped warily around the shrine in circles, neither willing to make the first move. Unable to control Red or his anger any longer, White smirked slightly as he charged forwards, greatsword in hand. This was going to be a fight to remember.

Good Job!


Very good man, you really have improved by leaps and bounds since we began I feel proud. No reading assigment this week, now fix that up so we can continue. And sorry for teh wait.