[Altamira] Ciaran's Training

"Ah, such a nice and peaceful day," Ciaran said aloud as he had walked into a small bartering town. "Not a cloud in the sky, no demons or angels to protect or eliminate, I love this new place called Earth."

Ciaran had strolled into a western themed town, a sandy flat with people bustling all over. Merchants were manning their outdoor shops and peddlers were handing out samples of their wares to weary travelers. The angel-demon walked to one of the merchants at a boutique, selling traveling goods, foods, and such.

A rotund and cherub man answered at the wooden and finely polished counter. He cleared his throat and asked in a scruffy voice, "May I help you?"

"Yes, I would like that deluxe pack and it filled with a water-skin, food, bedroll, and a blanket," Ciaran suggested, putting a satchel of coins on the counter.

The man nodded and ducked under the counter, putting the the dark green canvas pack on the counter's surface and turned to the large, worn crates behind him. He returned with a bundle of items and neatly stacked them inside.

"What do ya plan on doin' with all dis stuff, huh?" he asked.

"Well, I plan on hiking in that forest due north of this town, hiking at night is especially thrilling," Ciaran answered, shifting the pack and strapping it to his back. The man looked at him strangely and then shrugged before tending to another customer.

As the sun began to set in the rustic little town, Ciaran looked at the orange hued sky and watched as the blue shifted to a darker scape. He strolled to the outskirts of the town and marveled at the picturesque landscape, the rocky terrain and the high mountain to the north, guarded by a sea of flowing evergreen trees. Ciaran breathed in the day and set forth into the wilderness.

As he entered the wild, Ciaran smelled the pine air and continued trekking, absorbing all of what this new realm granted him. The lush green and the air around him was fabulous, the sound of pine needles and stale leaves crunching under the soles of his feet, everything was exceptional. Ciaran hiked up a leafy knoll and was dumbstruck at what was beyond.

A giant marble and ornately decorated building stood proud before him. It had exquisite designs carved into the marble and the setting sun gave off a golden reflection. Ciaran stood there, gaping at the architectural monument that was built here.

Ciaran walked around it's exterior. It didn't look like there was any way inside the dome shaped building. He held out his bare hand and felt the cool surface, the dome's elegant texture. Suddenly, that piece of the building rippled like a stone through the water of a calm palm. Just then, a hole emerged from the curved wall and he was pulled inside the mysterious Dome...

Okey dokey, here we go:

The man nodded and ducked under the counter, putting the green strapped and buckled canvas-leather pack on the counter's surface and turned to the large, worn crates behind him.

This description is a little too wordy. If you're unsure of what descriptions to include, start off with only the noteworthy, or try limiting yourself to about two basic descriptors if there is nothing out of the ordinary about the item/person. Give whatever will characterize it and/or produce an image in one's mind the best. Try something like this...

The man nodded and ducked under the counter, putting the green canvas-leather pack on the counter's surface and turned to the large, worn crates behind him.

...and maybe, to spice it up, specify a certain shade of green or something of the like.

Small error next:

A giant marble and ornate decorated building stood proud before him.

The bolded part should be "ornately decorated", because "ornate" in this case is acting as an adverb modifying the verb "decorated".

And a nitpick:

A giant marble and ornate decorated building stood proud before him. It had exquisite designs carved into the marble and the setting sun gave off an illustrious golden reflection.

While "illustrious" once meant luminous or bright, that meaning is now obsolete, and since Ciaran isn't in a medieval setting, I wouldn't recommend using words when intending the old, obsolete meaning of them. Illustrious nowadays is taken to mean highly distinguished or renowned.

Now then, that's it for mistakes and nitpicks. There were a few typos here and there, but nothing worth mentioning. You did a fine job overall, but the piece was a little less creative than I would have liked. But you'll still be taught by Cadenza Madrigal (actually, at the moment by her substitute Hunter Merridale), as you seem to have a good grasp of the basics.

Now for your lesson:
Have Ciaran meet his teacher Hunter in some creative way of your choosing, and then have the two engage in conversation as the prince leads Ciaran to his new dormitory. The description for this lesson is so open-ended, because I stress creativity here. You'll take this where you want it to go, for the most part. 550 words minimum.

"What's happening to me?" the half-breed thought to himself as he was pulled through the dome's shimmering wall.

Ciaran felt like he was flying at thousands of miles an hour, not able to stop. A tremendous force was propelling him through the darkness he was consumed in. Ciaran opened and closed his eyes, but there was no difference. It was always darkness. His limbs were stiff and no matter how much he tried, he was paralyzed. Slowly, his energy dwindled away and it became harder for Ciaran to draw breathe...

"Are you alright?" some unknown voice had asked.

His reality sparked back to life and he opened his eyes, squinting to adjust to the new lighting wherever he was. Ciaran's vision was faded and blurry, like he was underwater. Then he positioned his gaze on the man kneeling over him, shaking his shoulders, trying to revive him.

"Wh-what... happened... where was I?" Ciaran murmured, hard for him to speak.

"This is the Dome, my friend," whoever was there replied. "I remember my first time coming inside," chuckling at the mention.

The half-breed started to recover and he sat up, stretching his achy arms, then his legs. It felt like he'd fallen into a deep sleep. Then his vision kicked in and he was finally able to see the man who came to his aid. He was a battle-ready man, gleaming armor covered most of his torso and a dark green shirt underneath. He had light brown hair, but it had these shimmering streaks, and golden hazel eyes.

"Who are you?" Ciaran asked, now getting to his knees.

"Prince Hunter Merridale, but it's usually courteous to give your own name first," Hunter replied, pulling Ciaran to his feet.

"Ciaran Alton, and sorry... I'm not... new here," he said, reluctant to admit he wasn't a human to a stranger.

"Finding the Dome is no easy task as it only reveals itself to the worthy," Hunter stated. "That means you're able to be trained."

"Trained?" Ciaran asked, stretching some more. "By who?"

"The teacher of course," Hunter replied. "Also known as me."

The statement sort of caught Ciaran by surprise. Then he noticed his surroundings. A vast domed ceiling, with several curving and marble carved pillars keeping it suspended. The pillars shimmered off of the giant chandelier in the middle of the ceiling. The hanging decoration's base was a golden flower, the spokes of the chandelier were extended pedals, like there were giving a welcoming gesture.

How could he have not noticed the beautiful things in this building. It must've taken centuries to create. Everything was gorgeously designed, from the reflecting fountain under the chandelier that caught the light, casting a golden glow and down to the marble tile, like a marble mirror on the ground. Dozens of torches on the crimson walls helped illuminate the room.

"It'd be... an honor to stay here," Ciaran admitted, marveling at the architectural masterpiece. "Humans built this?"

"This is only the lobby, I have more to show you if you'd follow me," Hunter said as he stepped toward a wide spiraling staircase, also with marble steps and golden handrail.

Ciaran nodded and followed Hunter, now noticing the round shield slung across of his back, then the spear behind it. They both had the same crest on it, as well as his chest-plate. The two made their descent down the staircase and continued on their voyage inside the wondrous Dome.

"I noticed that there aren't any... doors here," Ciaran observed.

"Ah yes, magic runs deep with the hallowed halls of the Dome and as you were transported, you came through a portal," Hunter began to explain. "Since thee Dome is gigantic, it would take hours to travel within it. But that is why they are the portals, located in the room adjacent to the lobby."

"Portal room?" Ciaran asked again, confused.

"Yes, this portal takes you anywhere in the Dome, I'll show you, ok?"

Ciaran nodded as they reached the end of the circular room and into a narrow hallway. After going through the crimson colored passage, they were in a smaller circular room with a the same design as the first but two glaring differences. There was no chandelier or fountain. Instead, a huge device that resembled a flower blossom was hung on the ceiling. Giant silver gears kept it on top of the room. In place of the fountain, was a platform and a closed case on that stand.

"Whoa..." Ciaran said, astounded.

"This," Hunter "is the portal room... you open the glass case and touch the chamber on the map displayed. A portal will open, and just like the one you get here with, you'll end up in the desired place. It takes a few times to get used to and I"m sure you'll be tired after you go to the dormitory."

Ciaran did as he was told and stepped onto the round platform, also heavily decorated with silver and gold, and opened the case. Inside was an age worn map with the words 'The Dome' in black ink. There was the map of the entire building, but by the looks of it buildings. Then he saw a large rectangular room with the word 'dormitory' underneath. Ciaran carefully pressed his finger on the map.

Then a horrible sounds of creaking metal rang throughout the room. Hunter nimbly jumped on the platform and stood in the center with Ciaran. The platform was rising, and the enclosed flower began to spin downward and slowly open. Then the two met and another tremendous force split their bodies into thousands of fragments, and then swallowed by the blossoming flower overhead.

Ciaran opened his eyes and he was sprawled out on a bed inside a rather quaint and cozy room... Unfortunately, he was exhausted after trekking through a forest, teleporting through portals, and exploring the Dome... he couldn't take anymore in one day and peacefully dozed off.

OoC: Sorry for the longness... I get carried away about RP'ing and tried to be creative as possible.

Alright, here we go!

Small typo to point out first, just to remind you to keep on your toes about them:

Slowly, his energy dwindled away and it became harder for Ciaran to draw breathe...

Should be "breath".

Also in that same paragraph, an overlying nitpicky issue:

Ciaran felt like he was flying at thousands of miles an hour, not able to stop. A tremendous force was propelling him through the darkness he was consumed in. Ciaran opened and closed his eyes, but there was no difference. It was always darkness. His limbs were stiff and no matter how much he tried, he was paralyzed. Slowly, his energy dwindled away and it became harder for Ciaran to draw breathe...

You constantly alternate between "he" and "Ciaran" here, and it's slightly repetitve. While it's not a major problem, it's noticeable, and to fix it, you should try subsitituing...I'd say the last "Ciaran" in this case, for a title of some sort, even if it's something as generic as "the man". If you can spot any other instances of this, be sure to fix them too.

Next, an issue with a modifying clause:

Then he positioned his gaze on the man kneeling over him, shaking his shoulders, trying to revive him.

Because of the way you positioned it, it sounds like Ciaran is shaking the man kneeling over him, since the modifying clause (the bolded part) follows after the "him" referring to Ciaran. To fix this, try something like the following:

Then he positioned his gaze on the man kneeling over him, who was shaking his shoulders, trying to revive him.

And now more small clause issues and a case of awkwardness:

"Wh-what... happened... where was I?" Ciaran murmured, hard for him to speak.

The bolded part sounds awkward. I'd switch it to something more like:

"Wh-what... happened... where was I?" Ciaran murmured, finding it hard to speak.

The hanging decoration's base was a golden flower, the spokes of the chandelier were extended pedals, like there were giving a welcoming gesture.

This bolded clause is an independent clause, and cannot be attached to the other independent clause before it without some sort of special punctuation or a conjunction. You can either fix this like this...

The hanging decoration's base was a golden flower; the spokes of the chandelier were extended pedals, like there were giving a welcoming gesture.

...or like this...

The hanging decoration's base was a golden flower, and the spokes of the chandelier were extended pedals, like there were giving a welcoming gesture.

Also in this same part, "there" should be "they".

When you finish fixing up those mistakes, I'll continue grading. It's a bit much to check over for one sitting.

Hallo -- I am your temporary teacher! If you just finish what Altamira asked you to do, I'l grade the rest of your post .