[Altamira] Richard's Training

The desert wind kicked up, blowing sand throughout the small town seemingly in the middle of nowhere. Richard walked along the town's avenues, reading a book with a complex transmutation circle and the word "Displacement Alchemy" written across it in bold letters. Dressed in the clothing of desert-going people, the Adamant Alchemist effectively blended in with his surroundings. To make sure he'd fit in even more, Richard's hair was dyed a dark brown, and he was even walking around in shoes similar to those of the locals.

However, the young man was in this small and barren town for a special purpose. He had heard from other towns that a man possessing powers of displacement and transportation recently came to one of the small towns in the area. Richard suspected the man to possess powers akin to displacement alchemy, but he would have to find the man himself to find out for sure.

The architecture of the city was similar to that of Arabic style (although to Richard it would suggest Ishbalan similarities instead) and was quite low-tech. After walking down a series of streets and alleys, he came across a large building that seemed to stand out from the others. The design and style was unlike the other buildings, and Richard suspected it was crafted from either alchemic or unnatural means.

Walking past the wooden gate and going for the entrance of the building, Richard tossed the book of displacement alchemy to the side of the building. The alchemist would come back for it later, to ensure that the local people did not know or get any hints as to why he was at this house. Without knocking, Richard entered the large house, and felt like he was alone in the building. There were no sounds to be heard, no visible movement, but the idea of his seclusion in the building vanished when he saw lanterns burning brightly along the walls.

Stepping inside the building and closing the door behind him, Richard pulled out of his garment a small slip of paper. The little piece of paper had a transmutation circle of little complexity drawn upon it, and Richard held it between his index and middle ring as the drawing began to glow yellow. Instantly, the alchemist’s clothing began to mold and morph with a yellow glow and formed into the uniform of a State Alchemist. Richard looked around to see that nothing had happened in the building, realizing that, if he wasn’t alone, something here must be watching him.

Taking a few steps forward, the Adamant Alchemist saw some movement in the corner of his eye, and looked to see a fleeting shadow at the top of the staircase to his right. Richard instantly ran up the stairs towards the figure, and looked to see an alchemist’s workshop before him. The visible proof was before him: the man who had come to this town knew alchemy, and probably had realized the potential of displacement alchemy as well. As he walked forward to examine the lab, Richard heard a voice.

“I see you’re a State Alchemist,” said a raspy voice behind the young man. “But I didn’t expect them to manage to come to this world so soon.”

The Adamant Alchemist turned around to see an old man, possibly in his late 50s, standing before him. The old man appeared to be physically fit, and Richard knew that a confrontation might lead to disaster, seeing both of them were trained practitioners of alchemy.

“I’ll have to play this one safe,” Richard thought to himself.

“So you’re the one who the locals have been talking about.” he stated.

“Yes, I am,” the man replied. “But who are you?”

“I am someone who searches for answers about the world and alchemy,” Richard replied. “My name is not important.”

“I see,” the old man mumbled. “Well then, I assume you’re looking for the Dome then.”

“The what?” asked the young man.

“So you haven’t heard of it, have you?” replied the old man.

“Apparently not,” Richard replied. “What is this Dome you speak of?”

“The Dome is a place where many come and go, seeking knowledge, power, or anything else they desire,” the old man began to explain. “It is a place where many worlds converge, yet it exists separately from everything else. It is the place where knowledge about anything can be found, and where one can be training in any art or craft.”

“How do I get to such a place?” asked the young alchemist. “And how can I be certain you are telling me the truth?”

“You’ll just have to trust me,” said the old man with a smile.

The old man then took a step back, and placed his hands together. Blue light emerged from the floor between the two alchemists, and a portal seemed to form in the air above the light. The old man looked at Richard with a serious expression. The young alchemist was secretly amazed at the old man’s knowledge and skill, but he couldn’t tell exactly what this portal was, or even if it was being formed by alchemy.

“Step inside the light, and it will take you to the Dome,” he said. “However, once you go there, you won’t be able to come back the way you left.”

“Who are you?” Richard asked as he looked at the man without expression.

“Just an old alchemist who knows more than his share of the world,” said the old man.

Richard, sensing the man was telling the truth, stepping inside the portal and vanished as he stepped into it completely. When inside, Richard felt he was moving at incredible speeds, and his eyes were being held shut by some force. When the motion stopped, Richard opened his eyes, only to see himself in the middle of a hallway. There were countless doors on both sides, and Richard seemed a bit confused as to where he was.

“Is this the Dome?” the young alchemist asked himself, wondering if this was where the old man said he would be sent.

A few things first...

The little piece of paper had a transmutation circle (of little complexity) drawn upon it, and Richard held it between his index and middle ring as the drawing began to glow yellow.

Parentheses aren't typically used in this sort of writing (although there are some exceptions.) You can do without them in this sentence, while still including the detail inside them. Try to remove any use of parentheses from your post, while still retaining the details.

Next, another nitpick:

The little piece of paper had a transmutation circle (of little complexity) drawn upon it, and Richard held it between his index and middle ring as the drawing began to glow yellow. Instantly, the alchemist’s clothing transformed in a flash of yellow and turned into the uniform of a State Alchemist.

I'd try inserting some more description into the process of the clothing transformation, unless it's meant to be a secret from me and anyone else right now. Add something more than just a "flash of yellow" at least.

And lastly...

“You’ll just have to trust me.” Said the old man with a smile.

Here, the bolded period should be a comma, and the "s" of "said" should not be capitalized. Be sure to watch your grammar concerning dialogue, because similar errors are scattered throughout the conversation between Richard and the older man. If you're not sure why what you wrote is wrong, please ask me.

When you finish fixing your post, I'll give you a new lesson. Teacher-wise, I think I'll be assigning you to my new TA, Angel. He'll get in here as soon as you're ready.

I've editted the post. I understand the mistake I made because I googled up the punctuation for dialogue mistake, and found out how to correct the rest of the dialogue. I'm ready for the assignment now.

Originally Posted by LinkWannabe

I've editted the post. I understand the mistake I made because I googled up the punctuation for dialogue mistake, and found out how to correct the rest of the dialogue. I'm ready for the assignment now.

Ah, well you could have simply asked me how to fix it if you weren't sure. I thought you knew, because you had written some parts of the dialogue correctly. My mistake. :embrsd:

Angel will give you your next assignment when he's ready. I just wanted to reply to that one thing.

Okay, first of all, get rid of Alphonse's quote from the start of this. It's uneeded, and I've heard it so many times by people who try and copy it into their own characters it's untrue.

1st Assignment

"I am not taking the alchemist. I will not."

"I've asked for so little in the time we've been working together, this being the third or fourth favor I've ever asked of you."

Kicking the chair in front of him, Ethan swore under his breath as the dragon man departed through the door to his left.

"If he tries to kill me, I'll remove his head."

OOC: Let Richard pick one of the rooms in this hallway. It can lead to anything he wishes, just nowhere familiar. Describe it, and have one thing that sticks out: a rather large suit of armor. It looks normal, apart from the fact that it's bleeding from the joints. End the post with the armor coming alive and attacking Richard.

300 word minimum.

There was no end to it. Richard had been walking for a good half-hour, and still hadn't met a divergence of pathways in the hallway. Whatever this place was, it was huge and very simple in design, at least, that’s what Richard could tell from what he had seen up to this point. However, the Adamant Alchemist had a feeling some force was beckoning him to enter one of the doors. In caution, Richard had continuously walking down the corridor, not even attempting to open any of the doors in fear of coming across a threat.

However, the force kept on encouraging Richard to open one of the doors, and the mental torture started to get to the alchemist. Seeing there was no alternative to his situation, Richard placed his left hand inside his coat, holding a piece of paper displaying a complex transmutation circle within. Carefully, Richard moved to a door on his right side, and slowly turned the knob and creaking the door open. Stepping into the unknown, the Adamant Alchemist closed his eyes when a bright light blinded him.

When he went completely through the doorway, the young man found himself inside of a cold and dark room, apparently somewhere underground. The door slammed shut behind him, and sounded as if it had locked. Now the alchemist had to find his way out of his current situation. Looking around, Richard discovered he could barely see, but the sounds of movement also told him this was a man-made building. It was silent for a while, but Richard could sense the presence of living beings.

Feeling a slight humidity in the air, the Adamant Alchemist judged he was near a water source, and ultimately civilization. But, the dark and silence around him signaled he was too far away for people to know of his current location or situation.

"Oh, great," Richard mumbled, making his voice echo in the darkness. "That's the last time I'll listen to my sense of adventure."

As Richard spoke to himself, sounds of movement in the form of gravel rubbing against stone were heard, instantly alerting Richard of a living presence in close proximity to him. Pulling out the slip of paper, Richard was about to use his alchemy to set the paper aflame to give him temporary light, but it appeared the living presence nearby was quite intelligent.

Instantly, lanterns that were situated on the stone walls of the large room were lit by some mystic force, and light flooded the entire room. The Adamant Alchemist could see treasure chests, jewelry, and even piles of coins laying about the room, as if deliberately set there. Richard deduced this was a horde of secret treasure.

However, Richard knew that all treasure troves were either trapped or guarded by their owners, and the alchemist looked about to see for anything of the like. What the alchemist noticed right away was the peculiar suit of armor situated at the end of the room, set in a kneeling position. Walking towards it cautiously, Richard looked to see anything odd about the armor as he approached it even further. The only thing that stood out was the fact that it was held in place in a very complicated manner, too complicated to bee just another piece of treasure.

One more fact stood out to Richard: the joints of the suit of armor were bleeding. Just a small trickle of blood was exiting the joints, however, but it seemed to be very unnatural to say the least. Stopping dead in his tracks, the alchemist held the piece of paper firmly between his fingers as he waited for the armor to move; he knew the armor was alive...

The suit of armor instantly and swiftly got up from its kneeling position, and rushed towards in a cunning and surprising battle maneuver.

Since Angel is on hiatus, I will be taking back over your training. I'll get to evaluating your post and assigning you a character of mine as a teacher sometime during this week.

Okay, let's start:

Firstly, an error with tenses:

In caution, Richard had continuously walking down the corridor, not even attempting to open any of the doors in fear of coming across a threat.

The bolded "walking" should be "walked".

Next is a small typo:

The only thing that stood out was the fact that it was held in place in a very complicated manner, too complicated to bee just another piece of treasure.

Just delete the second "e" there.

That's it for mistakes. You don't really need to work on grammar, so I will be sticking you in my character Cadenza's group so that you may work on stylistic aspects of writing. Until she is available however, my character Hunter will be filling in.

Your next assignment is to complete writing the battle against the suit of armor, complete with detailed descriptions and insertions of Richard's thoughts. End your post with the conclusion of the fight. 550 words minimum.