[Altamira] Kyralie's Training

Kyralie plummeted towards the earth, her wings limp and her hair streaming along side them in an auburn wave, glinting red and gold streaks in the sunlight. Her wings were tired and her eyes were closed in bone-deep weariness.

She’d just finished taking a mass of souls to the Overworld gates; a task required of her should she happen to kill anyone or stumble across the wandering spirits on her travels. She hated this Inheritance from her mother. Spirit gathering didn’t sit all to well with someone who was afraid of them and always felt like she’d just put her foot in something squishy and wet when she collected them within her scythe, she thought wryly.

As she sighed her breath was whipped away by the passing wind as it whistled against her falling body, reminding her of what she’d originally been thinking of.

Ever since she’d been awoken from a 150-year sleep she was aware that there were blank spaces in her memory, gaping holes filled with the slips of memories, more like wisps of images that were retained for her perusal.

All of them were filled with death and a harsh chuckle or a maniacal laugh that seemed to stem from her, even as she had no recollection of what had caused her to go insane. The only thing she knew was that she had somehow exceeded her internal balance, the war she fought within herself to keep her heart human through whatever interactions she had with people around her. By disrupting her balance one of her darker sides had surfaced, and from what she could remember of the battle scarred village and the bloodied remains it had been the heart that burned with internal flames of passion that had woken up.

Kyralie had surfaced from the recesses of her mind with mutilated bodies around her, a burning village and a scythe that glowed brightly beneath the blood that stained its crystal blade and the souls that burned within. It was the journey up to the Overworld gates after that battle that had left her near mindless with the urge to just fall and let her limbs rest, to give in to the sweet whisperings of her scythe that tempted her to let her soul leave the heavy burden of her body behind.

“How I would love to leave this cursed existence... but that is not possible for me,” Kyralie murmured, her words lost in the wind, “The only thing I can hope for is a place where I can learn to accept what chaos my father’s blood has created within me... and if I was truly hoping for something it would be a place where I can balance my heart and be myself without fear of the consequences...”

The moment her words were whipped away a thermal hit her, the rising hot wind snapping her wings open of their own accord and raising her along its updraft. Startled, she flipped up, her grip adjusting on her scythe, the Reaper as she blinked against the bright glare of the sun directly before her. Blinded, she wavered, slipping out of the thermal and falling swiftly, her eyes seeing bright spots as she flew haphazardly in the clear sky.

Finally clearing them she looked below her and stifled a scream as a huge white wall rose up before her. Checking her wings she twisted, gliding up along the wall and praying she didn’t twitch and slam into it at full speed. Abruptly, white wall was replaced with empty air and a view of a huge sprawling building, the most frontal feature being a tall dome.

“Where did all of this come from?” Kyralie gasped, her red and blue eyes scanning across the expanse of the structure. There were so many halls connecting a few other smaller domes to the main of the building, her mind boggled at how many people were within. As soon as that thought came her mood darkened. If there were so many people here, who was to say how many would be dead if she integrated herself among them?

Even as she thought it her wings faltered and she hissed in pain. Extended flying wasn’t high on her list of skills. Either way she had no choice but to land and enter the building to seek aid.

Landing awkwardly in the courtyard, Kyralie again wondered at how she could have missed such an immense place when she left the Overworld gates. The architecture was nothing like what was normal; there were no ornate pillars or elaborate structures. It was plain and simple, austere in its appearance yet...

“The longer I look at you...” she murmured to the building, “the more I feel that I’ve been expected and it took me a long time to finally get here and you’re welcoming me.”

Kyralie plummeted towards the earth, her wings unused and her hair streaming along side them in an auburn wave, glinting red and gold streaks in the sunlight.

Great opening sentence here, but the word "unused" might be better exchanged for a more descriptive verb or adjective (for example, the words "limp" or "inert" could be used instead.)

She’d just finished taking a mass of souls to the Overworld gates, task required of her should she happen to kill anyone or stumble across the wandering spirits on her travels.

This sentence needs another word and possibly a punctuation change to work. It should read more like...

She’d just finished taking a mass of souls to the Overworld gates; a task required of her should she happen to kill anyone or stumble across the wandering spirits on her travels.

For Kyralie, she hated this Inheritance from her mother.

The bolded part makes the sentence sound a little awkward. It could be removed and the sentence would be just fine.

That's it for errors. Nice work! Fix up those couple of awkward sentences, and I'll give you a new lesson.

I think I'd like Cadenza Madrigal to be your teacher for now. You have a few small things to work on before we move on to the more advanced skills, but not enough to place you in Louis' class. For now, Hunter Merridale will teach you in Cadenza's stead, since she is in involved in a storyline that prohibits her from appearing at the Dome at the moment.

Edited, and I look forward to a new lesson with Hunter Merridale =3

Okay, lesson time:

Have Kyralie enter to find herself in an immense, bustling lobby. Describe the room and its occupants. After some time spent observing and whatnot, have her run into an oddly curt jester who will assume she knows where she is and why he is speaking to her. He will promptly order her to follow him, and will lead her to a room which he indicates is her dormitory. End your post upon their arrival at the door of the bedroom. 600 words minimum.

Kyralie opened the imposing double doors and found she was entering what could have been a personal nightmare for someone such as herself.

Everywhere she turned there were masses of people, not all of who were human, bustling around on important errands or standing in groups and chatting amicably with one another.

Tearing her gaze from the multitudes of what could turn into a huge karmic debt for her, Kyralie focused her dual coloured eyes upon the room in general. At the centre of this huge lobby was a dividing wall with a series of five desks before it, manned by clerkish men. To both sides was a gap, allowing people to walk beyond the desks, into what seemed to be an endless corridor of doors. Stepping aside to avoid blocking the doorway, Kyralie realised this must be some sort of entry point or check in.

The walls were the same white as outside, but they were made of gold veined marble, adding sparkling warmth to what would otherwise have been a sterile environment. The amount of doors down the halls only reinforced the outside vastness of the establishment. Kyralie noted it would take forever for someone to learn all the ins and outs of this place.

“Amazing,” she whispered as she turned in a circle to take everything in, awed by the high domed ceiling and the numbers it must shelter beneath it.

Abruptly someone jostled her as they ran past carrying a stack of books and papers breaking her from her reverie. Jumping back, she recovered her balance and shivered, her awe being replaced by the trepidation she’d first felt upon entering the building.

So many people, how on earth was she going to make her way through them all without incurring some sort of karmic debt? She wondered frantically, her hand gripping her sword convulsively. Her gaze met only the clear crystal of her sword as she glanced at the cut that ran down the middle of the sheath. No red or blue streaks marred it, meaning she hadn’t done anything so far to upset the balance she strove to keep even.

How long she could keep the blade clear was something that haunted her as she surveyed the room, trying to pick out the easiest path to get to the clerks desks.

“There are just so many people!” her worried eyes scanned over elvan features, various skin colours, hooded beings and-

“A dragon?!” Kyralie gasped, her eyes widening at the immense beast as it ambled carefully through the people milling around.

“What kind of place have I landed into where a dragon is a common sight?” the Valkyrie asked herself, once more thinking she’d gotten herself into something she wouldn’t be able to handle.

Taking a step forward only reiterated this idea. She promptly had to execute a neat side step to avoid running into the sharp axe strapped to someone’s back. Unfortunately, the side step was only the first of many evasive manoeuvres Kyralie was forced to make, every dodge only landing her into another similar situation until she inevitably ran into someone.

“I’m so sorry, I-” Kyralie began but was cut off as the man turned and stared down at her from an imposing 6 feet plus of height. She didn’t know whether to sputter with fear at his muscle bound bulk and menacing expression or laugh at his tight fitting jester outfit, complete with points and bells.

Laughter was promptly beaten out of her when he spoke.

“You,” that one word was so deeply, a rumbling voice that was infused with impatience and annoyance. Kyralie stared up at him in fear; her jumbled thoughts wondering what he was doing dressed up as a jester. Wasn’t there a pre-requisite that they were meant to be happy to see you, not kill you?

“It’s about time you got here, no doubt you were dallying around like the rest of the arrogant fools I have to put up with,” he snorted, obviously mistaking Kyralie for someone he was meant to meet up with.

“I... umm, sorry but...” Kyralie managed to get out, hoping to tell him he had the wrong person, but she was cut off when he gave a brisk nod.

“Apology accepted. Now hurry up, I waited long enough among this group for you,” so saying he stalked off at a brisk pace, Kyralie rushing after him, her shorter legs having to take two steps for each of his strides. The Valkyrie wondered what she was doing, following someone who must have been mistaken in her identity. Was she taking someone’s place here? Was there even now someone standing in that lobby wondering where their guide was? These thoughts did little to make her feel better, her gaze straying to her sword and wondering if this would earn a black mark against herself, impersonating someone else.

The jester led her through one of the doors past the partition wall, navigating his way through the crowds with an ease Kyralie envied. She was still forced to play dodge and go, long ago having retracted her wings so she wouldn’t accidentally side swipe someone and vanishing her scythe so she wouldn’t collect any souls. Upon entering one the door, Kyralie was made to trudge up stairs, down long corridors and jumping over some stepping-stones to pass a rushing stream within the building. The last made her feel distinctly lost and confused but she followed on, not wanting to risk going back and getting lost inside the labyrinth.

Finally, they stopped before a solid oak door with ornate gold designs upon it; reminiscent of the way her armour was designed.

“Here’s your room,” with those final words the jester turned and walked off, leaving Kyralie alone with her thoughts and a key.

“Why am I here and what happened with giving me that whole welcoming vibe?” Kyralie asked the door crossly, “muscle man playing at court jester wasn’t welcoming at all, not to mention that room full of people. Oh, and while I’m ranting at an inanimate object, what happens to the poor soul whose place I seem to have taken?” Ranting at the door did little to relieve her stress and Kyralie folded her arms and glared at it, hoping she’d get some sort of answer. She wasn’t about to barge her way into someone else’s room. Who knows how many marks she gain against her if she went with that idea.

Okay, here we go...

The amount of doors down the halls only reinforced the outside vastness of the place, Kyralie noting that it would take forever for someone to learn all the ins and outs of this place.

This sentence sounds a little awkward and could be considered somewhat of a comma splice. It would be best split into two separate sentences like this:

The amount of doors down the halls only reinforced the outside vastness of the place. Kyralie noted that it would take forever for someone to learn all the ins and outs of this place.

Also, you might want to find another world to replace the second "place", so as to not sound repetitive. Try "establishment" or a similar word.

“Amazing,” she whispered as she turned in a circle to take everything in, awed by the high domed ceiling and the numbers it must hold within it.

Another awkward sentence here. The main problem is that you were describing a ceiling, and stated that it held things "within it." Things typically are under ceilings, not inside them.

Try changing it to something like this:

“Amazing,” she whispered as she turned in a circle to take everything in, awed by the high domed ceiling and the thousands of beings there must have been under it.

Next is a more nitpicky stylistic issue...

No red or blue streaks adorned it, meaning she hadn’t done anything so far to upset the balance she strove to keep even.

Pay attention to your diction here. If you intend to portray streaks on the sword as something negative, then they should not be described as "adorning" the sword. Adorning has a positive connotation, since it means to lend beauty to or decorate with or is if with ornaments. Instead, choose a word with a more negative or neutral connotation.

...That's it for errors and nitpicks. Nice work! You did an especially good job with the characterization of the jester.

Now for your next assignment:

IC:
Hunter Merridale strolled cheerfully down the corridor of the Dome, looking for his new student. There had been a cease-fire in his country that day, due to a holiday celebration both the enemy and his nation honored, and so he was free to perform his duties as a substitute teacher in his friend Cadenza's place--a very relaxing and stress-free job in comparison to his full-time occupation of war commander.

He came to the corner, and upon turning it, spotted a lithe woman with extraordinary eyes standing nervously outside an oaken door. When he neared closer, he recognized the woman as his new student, Kyralie, and the room as her dormitory. He found himself subconsciously wondering why she was loitering around the entrance, instead of resting inside.

Slowly, as not to startle her, he sidled up to her right side and tapped her lightly on the shoulder. “Something wrong with your lodgings, Miss Kyralie? Unless I am mistaken, that is your bedroom.”

The Valkyrie looked at him askance.

“Oh yes,” he said in embarrassment, slapping a palm to his forehead, “How could I forget? I have not introduced myself properly, have I, milady? I am your new instructor, Prince Hunter Merridale, filling in for my friend until she is able to return.” He bowed at the waist as he said his name.

The prince then placed a hand on the doorknob to Kyralie’s room, and said, “Please, won’t you enter and tell me if the room is to your liking?”
-----------------------------------------------------------------
OoC: Have Kyralie comply and enter the room. Describe whatever you'd like to about it, and be sure to include Kyralie's thoughts and opinions on the room. Once you're finished, Hunter will tell Kyralie to get a good night's rest for tomorrow's training. 500 word minimum.

Kyralie felt the blood rush to her cheeks in embarrassment. So it was her room after all! Feeling acutely self-conscious she gave a hesitant smile to the prince-

“Prince!” she squeaked, jumping back in alarm and clutching the semi-transparent film that passed as a skirt of sorts. Twisting it in her hands she looked up at Prince Merridale, her eyes wide as she wondered if she was meant to bow or curtsey.

Seeming to sense her discomfort, the cheerful prince waved her attempts at genuflection away, “No need, Miss Kyralie. Here, I am a teacher and while respect is given where it is due it is not necessary to that extent,” still smiling he inclined his head gracefully at the open door way.

Blinking, Kyralie nodded slowly as a hesitant smile flitted across her face. Entering her room the Valkyrie paused in surprise at the cosy apartments. There was a sitting room of sorts when one entered, filled with a soft looking couch that would sit three people easily or to allow one to recline in comfort. Before it was a low table, made of a dark brown wood, contrasting against the paler colours of the chairs. On the right wall was a decent sized fireplace, perfect for keeping the room warm in the colder seasons and big enough for her to put a pot over it should Kyralie feel the need to make a warm drink.

Angled to face the fire was a big comfy chair, peach coloured and inviting the weary teenager to relax and rest; Kyralie knew she was going to be sitting in that chair often and staring at the flames. All the furniture in the sitting room complimented each other, woods being a deep warm brown while the chairs were a golden peach tone. The carpet upon the floor was also a deep crimson, only making the room seem that much more inviting, a room where people would sit and converse comfortably with one another.

Against the back wall were two doors, one closer to the right side of the wall than the other. Looking over her shoulder at Hunter Merridale for permission to explore, Kyralie made her way across the room. Deciding to check the smaller room, Kyralie found a small bathing chamber with a bath in the floor and a toilet in the far corner. On the left wall was a sink with a mirror above it, reflecting Kyralie’s dazed expression with perfect clarity.

She quickly went into the bedroom and found a room with a single bed in the left back corner, looking fluffy with a multitude of blankets and pillows piled upon it. There was a vanity in the right back corner and a window between it and the bed. To the left of the door was a desk with drawers and writing implements already resting on it, waiting to be used. A closet was on the right wall, allowing Kyralie to be hidden from view should she open its doors while changing. All in all, Kyralie was living in a place far more luxurious than any other she’d previously resided in.

Making her way back to the sitting room, she realised she’d left the Prince standing in the doorway and gasped in dismay.

“I’m so sorry, Prince!” making an awkward bow, Kyralie looked up at him in confusion. “I don’t understand, I wasn’t planning on coming here so why is there a room already prepared for me. You even knew my name...” Shaking her head, Kyralie leaned wearily against her bedroom door, looking at the handsome prince with uncertainty.

“Miss Kyralie-” Hunter began, his smile conveying a sense of peace and wellbeing to the young Valkyrie.

“I could cause major harm to the people in this place!” Kyralie’s fear was getting to her, paranoia over what could happen eating at her self-confidence.

“Milady, the Dome is a powerful place and so are the people who inhabit it,” Hunter spoke with confidence, hoping his words would calm his young student. “You are tired from your travels and if you rest for but a night I am certain you will see everything with clearer eyes. For sure, things will be made clear to you.”

Kyralie closed her eyes and nodded, clinging to his words. “These rooms are beautiful, thankyou. They are far better than any lodgings I’ve stayed in before.” Smiling tiredly she walked with the Prince to the door, her mind already wandering back to the comfortable bed in her room.

“Good night, milady,” bowing the Prince smiled down at his new student, “sleep well, tomorrow your training begins.”

Only after she had closed the door did Kyralie realise what he had said.

“Training?”

Great job! No nitpicks this time around. I was really impressed with your portrayal of Hunter.

Next assignment:
Have Kyralie awaken to find a man lounging in her sitting-room. Be creative and make him however you'd like. He'll tell her to follow him out of the room and down the hall. On the way, he'll ask personal questions about Kyralie, which you can choose to answer however you'd like. End your post with the pair arriving in a training room, where Hunter is waiting. No word minimum.

It played at the edges of her dreams, a twinge of interest and acknowledgement. Then it followed her, haunting her moves until it finally chased her into awakening and lay in wait for her in the corporeal world.

Sitting up groggily, Kyralie shook her head. Unlike the normal nightmares that haunted her, this one didn’t involve mangled corpses or mass killings. There were no clear details remembered, except the overlaying sense that she was meant to be somewhere soon, a feeling that had woken her up after hounding her dreams and taking away any restorative powers sleep was meant to grant her fragmented heart and mind.

“Why can’t I have a normal nights sleep…” the sleepy-eyed girl muttered as she stood up and stretched, the sunlight illuminating the sheer ice blue sleeping gown she wore. It was a frothy thing, delicate and revealing, the kind of thing someone wore to impress a companion. Kyralie wore it because she liked the material and wanted something that didn’t have any connection with the ugliness of death.

Wandering from her room, she missed the gaily-colored figure sitting in one of the chairs by her fireplace that eyed her with keen interest and amusement. Kyralie washed up in the bathroom, waking herself up with the customary splash of cold water in the face and then brushing out the tangles in her auburn locks before heading back to her room.

This time, the man stood up, the bright greens, red and blues of his outfit catching Kyralie’s eye as she turned towards him. Sapphire and ruby eyes locked with smoky grey, hers with shock and his with approval that set off a chain of near simultaneous events.

Kyralie screamed, even as the man raised his hands to show he meant no harm. Without even thinking of it, the Valkyrie’s wings unfurled from her back, swinging forward to shield her body from his gaze with feathers that trembled with trepidation.

“I,” he began but was cut off by the now enraged soul reaper.

“YOU! You’re the one who was in my dreams!” she accused, her face turning red as she examined him. He was a gaudy man dressed in jeweled tones, pants of sapphire blue with an emerald green tunic belted with a ruby red sash. Above the tunic was a black velvet short vest, intricate silver embroideries adorning the rich material and making him quite the dashing figure. His face was perfectly symmetrical, a long thin nose and sleepy gray eyes framed by soft chocolate brown locks that fell in loose waves down his back.

At her accusation, the man shrugged, “I didn’t want to barge into your personal chambers and then your dreams caught me and pulled me in. As an incubus, the feelings you were projecting were irresistible and while I was in there I thought I might as well wake you up like that.”

Kyralie tilted her head to the side, caught by the unfamiliar term, “Incubus?”

He only regarded her with an odd look so Kyralie shrugged it off. “Why are you here then? You could have easily knocked or done whatever it was you did to get into my locked rooms.”

“Ah! Forgive me, I forgot my manners,” he grinned and bowed, catching Kyralie’s snort at the mention of manners. “My name is Phantasm and I was sent to guide you to the training room as instructed by Prince Hunter Merridale.”

Suddenly remembering the words of the Prince the night before in regards to training, Kyralie leapt for her room, her wings vanishing as she hurried into her outfit and armour. Grabbing her sword and knowing the scythe was better off wherever it kept itself when she didn’t summon it, the flustered girl ran back into the sitting room to find Phantasm standing by the door to the hall.

“Come along then, newcomer. We shouldn’t keep royalty waiting, they get all officious.” Winking at her cheerfully, Phantasm shooed her out the door and set off down the corridors of the Dome.

At first Kyralie was silent, trying to keep track of where they turned and went so she’d be able to find her way back to her dorm. Unfortunately, after the first few minutes she gave it up as a lost cause and turned her attentions to her companion only to find he was watching her.

“What manner of being are you? I saw the wings so I can only think you are some sort of angelic being. In which case that sleep wear you have is entirely inappropriate,” Phantasm remarked casually.

Embarrassment heated her cheeks and she sent him a glare. “I don’t see why you would know anything of what an angel would wear to bed. Besides, I’m not an angel, I’m half Valkyrie half Chaos Lord.”

Phantasm tried to fight down the urge to not tease her but he couldn’t resist, “Oh, I know plenty of what angels wear to bed… and what they don’t… and what they do in it.”

Kyralie stared at him, “You can’t possibly mean…”

Phantasm grinned back lazily, “Oh yeah… You don’t know what an incubus is. Incubi are male sex demons who visit people in their dreams… and if they’re lucky in real life.”

Without any warning, the young warrior swung out a fist and punched Phantasm in the arm. Neither noticed the red glow that emanated from the sword at her waist.

“You were in MY dreams!”

“You weren’t business, and anyways you were better off without those other dreams. Why do you dream of so much death? For a young girl your mind is as horror filled as someone who’s lived centuries in a world of depravity.” Phantasm watched her closely, wondering if she would back out from the playful banter he’d established with her.

Her eyes lost their humor and she glanced away, unsure of whether or not she could trust someone she didn’t know with the truth of her existence. When she dared look at him, his face was as serious as hers as he watched her intently, silently encouraging her to unload her troubles.

“I- I’m not completely whole… I have two sides of one heart but they aren’t one. When I end up in too much karmic debt, one of those sides becomes dominant and I become a killer. I don’t know what I do, I have no control or consciousness of what I am doing and when I wake up… I’m surrounded by death.” Kyralie smiled sadly, remembering how in her first days in the world every day had those blackouts, those losses of memory. Every day she had upset that balance and others had paid for it with their lives.

“The worst part was not remembering everything. I would only have vague images, flashes of what I’d done but I don’t know if they are the worst or the best of it all. I don’t know what I’m capable of.

“Then there are the times I remember my parents and how one would have gladly killed me at birth for being the mistake I am. She was the one who gave me a scythe that tries to take my soul whenever I feel weak. She’s the one I believe is right in wanting to end the life of something that isn’t complete and whole.”

Phantasm had been quiet through it all, and was quiet as he offered a one armed hug as they continued walking, the stance of an older brother comforting a younger sister in a silent truce.

“You should learn to stop pitying yourself and trying to measure up. It’s not the easiest thing being an incubus either, always trying to better yourself but unable to fight your nature. You’ve got potential so long as you don’t drag yourself down.” He advised, glancing down at her saddened face and shaking his long hair, “You’re too young to act like an ancient… actually, how old are you?”

Kyralie looked at him with grim humor, “I’ve been alive for 168 years but I have lived 18 of them. During my not so active years, I was drowned in the memories of past warriors and learning their skills.”

Phantasm winced, “Baby, either way I look at it your choice of sleep wear is inappropriate. Its far too racy for an eighteen year old and a 168 year old.”

Kyralie snorted, her mood lightening as she was engaged in his teasing and they continued their journey in a lively banter.

Phantasm grinned then stopped before a doorway, “This is your training room and your teacher waits within.”

“Oh!” Kyralie looked at it hesitantly, then back up at Phantasm. She rarely had anyone to call a friend as she did her best to avoid any interactions in fear of karmic debts but she was sad that she’d be wishing Phantasm a farewell. For a demon he was quite the gentleman.

“Will I see you again?”

Phantasm grinned cheerfully, “The Dome is a big place, and you never know who you’ll run into.” So saying, he stepped back and swung the door open for her.

Kyralie grinned back and walked forward confidently to meet her teacher who would hopefully have some answers for her.
~~~
As the door closed behind her, Phantasm smiled sadly. His journey was complete, his task accomplished and now he would be needed no longer.

“It would have been nice to be friends with someone who doesn’t have presumptions about an incubus…”
~~~
Kyralie found herself in a spacious room, wooden floors and brick walls. On one side, there were mirrors interspaced along the walls while opposite were windows, showing glimpses of trees and plants. Further down was a door leading outside and Kyralie itched to go and explore but another door opened and Hunter walked in.

The Prince smiled at Kyralie, noting her interest in the place and how she seemed more balanced and confident.

“Good morrow, milady. I trust you arrived her without any incidents.” The Prince greeted her warmly, his hazel eyes bright and cheerful as he strode towards her.

Kyralie hastily bowed, "Good morning..." smiling with the new liveliness that talking with Phantasm had rekindled within her she decided to speak her mind for once, "I was wondering if you would be answering some of my questions... like where I am and how you knew I would be here...and how you knew my name too."


OoC: Hope it wasn't too long >_>;;; and sorry for taking so long!

Wow, quite a lot to peruse here! But no worry--I'm glad you were inspired to write as much as you did.

Here we go:

“Why can’t I have a normal nights sleep…” the lithe girl muttered as she stood up and stretched, the sunlight illuminating the sheer ice blue sleeping gown she wore.

Small nitpick here: this seems an odd place to include a description of Kyralie as "lithe". No one's observing her for the first time, and it's not an instance when her litheness would come into play, so I'm not sure I'd choose to use that word here. If you're looking for an adjective here, try to pick something more relevant to the sentence itself or to the surrounding sentences.

Aside from that, wonderful job! I was very impressed. The characterization of Phantasm, for one, was well done.

Lesson time!
IC:
Hunter found his tongue stumbling over a dozen different words in response. Sighing, he began to pace before venturing to begin again. "I'm afraid to tell you, Miss Kyralie, that I do not quite comprehend it all myself. I do not understand this..." he swept both arms before him to encompass the room, and subsequently the entire Dome itself, "...the whole of this structure is an enigma to me. I came here at the request of a friend who understands this place much more than I do, and who had little time to tell me of its mysteries, its methods, and its nuances.

"I... I just know that one morrow I awoke from my sleep in my friend's uninhabited quarters, and for whatever reason, information about you was ingrained in my mind." He frowned after saying this, and was evidently disappointed with what he knew was an insufficient answer. Turning his eyes away from Kyralie and towards the door from which the freshness and wonder of nature crept, he quietly promised to her: "While I remain here teaching in my ally's stead, I shall try to help you uncover the answers to your questions...and perhaps to those of my own curiosity."

He looked back over his shoulder to see a soft smile on his student's face, and he reciprocated despite the heavy-hearted feeling that had befallen him. In a merry voice, he said, "Let us now turn to something lighter, and go enjoy nature's blessings. I believe there has been a scavenger hunt of sorts set up for us that shall commence in the glade of the wood."

OoC: Just as Hunter said, Kyralie and the prince will be exploring the forest now to find fifteen items on a list which Hunter carries. The items can be trivial or significant, and Kyralie may keep whatever she wishes to. Be sure to describe the forest and include conversation, as you always do so well. No word minimum.

OoC: Take your time grading this once, tis HUGE ;-; 3337 words... and I didn't scrap the three pages, i added to them...

BiC:
Walking towards the exit, Kyralie felt a twinge of guilt for pressing her teacher for answers. Even with his cheerful smile she could tell she had caused him some moment of ill feeling and now she was hesitant to bring it up once more. Thankfully, when they stepped outside nature solved the situation for her.

The morning sunlight bathed the two as they left the interior of the Dome, ridding the heavy feelings Kyralie’s questions had raised. Basking in the sun for a moment, her face upturned, Kyralie could forget the fleeting memories that haunted her and the imperfection of her heart.

“Sunlight always has a way of cleansing us of bad feelings,” Kyralie spoke aloud; her eyes clear as they turned to the Prince beside her.

Smiling in return, Hunter nodded, “That it does,” and walking forward he pulled a piece of paper from his pocket and gave it to Kyralie, “the list of items we are to find, milady.”

Taking the paper Kyralie’s eyebrows went up, “Fifteen items? Is there usually this many?” Looking at the Prince, she rattled off the list:

1. Sparkly rock
2. Raven’s feather
3. Mushroom
4. Rosemary
5. Apple
6. Clear glass
7. Red ribbon
8. Fur
9. Waterworn pebble
10. Forked twig
11. Charred wood
12. Pine cone
13. Orange flower
14. Tattered rope
15. Scales

Hunter shrugged good naturedly, “I haven’t been on that many myself so I would be no expert. You didn’t play this at parties as a child?”

Kyralie stiffened slightly, the change in her posture alerting Hunter that something was amiss. Her vibrant eyes had dulled slightly, her past shadowing them.

“I haven’t really had a childhood... so I’m not an expert on this either,” shaking her head slightly, she gave the prince a half-hearted smile, “A new experience for the both of us then.”

Nodding and knowing he should not pry, Hunter pointed up ahead to where a glade was visible through the trees, “Perhaps we will find some of what we are after in that clearing.”

Instead Kyralie paused and walked around a tree and grinned, “Mushrooms only grow on the north side of trees,” she pronounced, bending and picking one of the fungi from the ground. Glancing up at the trees she sighed happily once more. The trees were all tall and full of foliage, making the ground level nicely shaded yet still warm. Rays from the sun still made its way through the leaves, dappling the forest floor with spots of light and creating beams that sparkled in the air.

“Its so nice here. We could go further within and feel like we’re far from any kind of civilization but in truth we’d only be an hour's walk from the Dome,” Kyralie mused aloud. It didn’t occur to her that such a statement revealed how she was used to living: always at the edges of society in fear of what she might do if she dared interact with other people.

“It’s true, isn’t it? The Dome is a place that makes you feel like you’re always going to discover something new on its premises,” Hunter acknowledged as he tossed the mushroom she had passed to him from hand to hand. Upon entering the glade, both paused to admire the scene before them. The high sun turned the glade into a peaceful image of serenity, lighting the grass and trees and giving them all a warm glow that invited travellers to sit awhile and rest.

“I like this place,” Kyralie announced, walking forwards into the light, her hair turning into a burnished flame as the sun played upon it, “It has so much beauty in it.”

“Don’t let it fool you, milady. There are dangerous places within the Dome,” Hunter cautioned the young girl.

Kyralie smiled sadly, “It’s true... but it's those places that make these ones so much more appreciated and wanted...” she trailed off, and then whipped around to stare at Hunter in shock, “Before I came to the Dome... I- my scythe was tempting me to give up my soul... it does that you see, when I’m feeling weak. While I was falling, I wished for a place I would learn to accept what curse my father’s blood gave me and live without fear of what I might do.”

The young Valkyrie smiled at her teacher, “I think this place is my answer to that wish. I think I can find some way to the balance the scales.”

Hunter patted the wistful eyed teen with the scroll of items, “It is indeed good fortune that seemed to bring you here, and there are countless others who are brought to the Dome for various reasons. That being the case, the Dome is a place where people may resolve issues and learn from their experiences.”

Nodding, Kyralie took the scroll and looked at the list, “We only have one item so far. I can easily get a feather later... but most of these seem to be items around some sort of inhabited place.” She turned to Hunter questioningly, “Do people live out here?”

Hunter rested his chin in hand as he pondered the question, “I’m not certain. Many people inhabit the Dome, so who knows where they all decide to rest? There are also training sessions that might be held out here.”

Blowing a strand of hair away from her face Kyralie tilted her head to listen to the surrounding area, “We just need to find a water source. If there’s water, there are people or people will end up using it.”

Quiet, both teacher and student listened to the music nature provided until finally Hunter raised an arm to point in a southerly direction.

“That way. I am positive there is something we seek in that direction,” he announced and Kyralie, having come no closer to her own conclusion, followed the direction he pointed out.

After trekking for 5 minutes in leisurely silence, Kyralie stumbled upon a protruding root and nearly fell face first into the forest floor. Hunter reacted quickly, his arm shooting out reflexively to catch his student’s arm and haul her body upright.

Gasping in surprise, the Valkyrie unconsciously summoned her wings and only succeeded in catching her helper full in the middle, causing both to lose balance and fall on the leaf littered floor.

"I'm so sorry!" Kyralie gasped in horror, her hands outstretched towards the sprawled form of the Prince. Hunter braced himself up on his elbow and shook his head, grinning ruefully at his spluttering student.

"Don't worry, nothing serious," Hunter reassured her, "those wings coming out were a surprise though."

Kyralie tugged at a lock of her hair as her four wings trembled from her nerves, "I-I don't keep them out usually... if I use them overmuch it tends to strain my body. I just happen to use them on reflex when I start to fall, I'm not used to anyone helping me."

Hunter regarded his student thoughtfully, standing and offering her a hand to her feet, "you should remember that here at the Dome you will always have someone willing to help you."

Nodding remorsefully, Kyralie kept her eyes upon the ground then blinked when she noted what she was staring at.

"Rosemary and a pine cone!" she exclaimed as she leant down to grasp a sprig of the fragrant herb and the pinecone.

"Well at least some good came out of this," Hunter commented as he watched her smile happily down at the items in her hands.

Laughing self-consciously, the auburn haired girl looked towards the south, "lets continue then. You obviously picked the correct way to find items."

“True enough, milady. If you look between those trees up ahead you will see...” Hunter nodded forwards and Kyralie went on tiptoe to see and smiled.

“A cabin~!” Running forwards enthusiastically Kyralie paused when the cabin came to full view. It had once been a sturdy structure but time seemed to have taken its toll upon the building. The front remained intact but one meter down its length it became a burnt out husk, only the frame standing tall. The last end of the cabin was even more puzzling. It was burnt black but the building had collapsed and looked as it had moulded and rotted into a pile of soggy wood over time.

“Odd, I’ve never seen this happen to a building before,” Hunter walked cautiously around it, scanning the surroundings as Kyralie gulped back fear as flashes of memories crowded her mind.

“It was fire and ice. Fire consumed one half and ice destroyed the other,” she whispered as she stared at it in horror.

Hunter, noting the change in her voice, turned to see what the problem was and realised his student was on the verge of fainting.

“Kyralie!” He darted towards her, and gripped her shoulders, “what ails you, milady?”

Realising she was causing a scene, she shook her head and stepped away, “Nothing... just...memories...” taking a steadying breath she looked at the paper she’d crumpled in her fist, “well, at least we have the glass, charred wood and tattered rope. Three knocked off in one go,” she remarked with a false smile as she worked her way through the debris to get the items needed. As she gathered them, the memories haunted her, images of villages burning and in one instance, twinkling innocently from the frost that had stolen over it in the night, freezing the occupants in an eternal sleep beneath its cold embrace.

“Why... I can’t even use fire or ice magic,” she muttered to herself, turning to anger to shield herself against the pain the memories evoked.

“I wonder who lived here,” Hunter remarked as he glanced at the interior. Surprisingly, the front end was in perfect condition and was set up as a sitting room of sorts. On a chair, Hunter picked up a long red cloth and shrugged, but Kyralie started when she saw it.

“That’s like what...” An image of Phantasm whipped through her mind and was gone, leaving her shaken. It couldn’t have been her who had done this, since leaving him she had been in Hunter’s company.

“Pardon?” Hunter looked at her but Kyralie was already making her way outside.


“Cabin’s have gardens, gardens have flowers and this one has...” Kyralie walked the perimeter and sighed, “no garden. I’m disappointed, my reasoning skills were wrong.”

“Well, reason that there seems to have been some sort of catastrophe here,” Hunter began when he followed her out of the sorry building, “if you wish to deduce where the garden has gone, I suggest looking further a field, milady. Or we can continue to that rushing water we can barely here and hope there will be some growing there.”

“Water. I’m getting tired from all the walking and need to rest a bit!” Kyralie walked off with purpose, deliberately burying any memories or thoughts she was having.

It didn’t occur to her that she was also excluding Hunter from what was bothering her and that she was probably confusing him. The continued trip was made in silence; the only noise breaking it was the sounds of the stream getting louder as they approached it.

Breaking through the trees, the first glimpses of the brook were sparkles of light that gleamed through the foliage. Getting closer only made the burbling brook clearer and finally, upon reaching it, both teacher and student paused to behold the beauty before them.

The stream broke out of the forest to create a serene place for people to pause and appreciate the simplicity of nature. Its waters were clear and deep, the sun reflecting off it in puddles of gold. Small fish could be seen swimming below the surface and the coloured leaves and flowers that floated down along the flow added colour to its current.

“It must pass through much of the forest to pick up such a collection of flowers,” the Prince commented as he took a seat on a boulder that rested alongside the stream. Here the trees opened enough to let the sun create a perfect circle upon the flowing waters and the surrounding banks.

Kyralie walked forward slowly, kneeling at the edge of the stream and staring down at the fish that swam easily beneath its surface.

“Scales... how am I going to grab a fish’s scales without killing it?” she absentmindedly caught an orange flower that was drifting along the surface and placed it beside her.

Hunter sat upon his rock like the Prince he was, surveying his domain and figuring what could be done about the items on the list.

“We have your sparkly rock here,” he thumped the boulder he sat upon, indicating areas of it had crystal threads imbedded within it, “and if you’d reach down into the stream you’d have your pebble.”

Nodding, Kyralie did as he said and inspected the ground around his boulder til she found a chipped off piece of stone from it.

“That leaves us a raven’s feather, an apple, a red ribbon, fur and scales,” Hunter concluded, “I don’t know about you but I haven’t seen any raven’s flying about today.”

“I can get the rest we need, its the scales that I’ll have trouble with,” Kyralie murmured distractedly. Sighing, she stood up and summoned her scythe.

Hunter, seeing the crystal blade flash in the light at the corner of his eye, whipped around and nearly fell off his boulder at the sight of his student holding the weapon before her.

“Milady, what pray tell do you mean to do with that?” The longer he looked at the scythe the more he got the feel that it was tugging at him, wanting him to let go of something.

Kyralie sent him a quick grin, “Ignore the fact it’s trying to make you let go of your soul. I need this out if I want to contact them.”

“Who-” Hunter’s words were lost as a storm of ravens flew into the clearing, the beat of their wings drowning out his voice and blotting out the sun as they settled within the clearing. Before Hunter could understand what was happening, a haunting howl pierced the air and a pack of wolves bounded into the clearing to halt before the young Valkyrie.

“ The Valkyrie are Death’s servants and as such have a connection to ravens and wolves.” Kyralie explained as she knelt before the wolf and patted its head. It turned to view Hunter, and doing so revealed its scarred face with only one eye remaining.

“So this is how you intend to get the feather and fur I take it,” Hunter grinned.

Nodding, Kyralie tugged a few hairs from the wolf and took a discarded feather from among the many that now littered the floor, “not to mention wolves know where humans are...” another wolf walked forward and stuck out a paw which had a red ribbon bound upon it, just as a raven dropped an eaten apple, “and ravens know where apples are.”

Hunter was a bit taken aback by this turn of events but sighed, realising his student had more abilities he hadn’t known about, “I don’t suppose they would happen to know how to skin a fish for its scales?”

At his words the animals all turned and departed, wolves blending back into the forest and the ravens taking to the air once more. All that remained was one from each group, a raven upon Kyralie’s shoulder and a wolf lying by her side.

“No, they don’t know much about fish but they have seen something that only appeared recently. Something that doesn’t belong and they want me to look at it,” Kyralie looked up at Hunter, her dual eyes confused, “and they say it has something to do with me.”

“Do they know where it is?” Hunter got to his feet and walked towards his student, only to be warned away by the growl of the wolf.

“Hush.” Kyralie scolded it before standing up, “its up stream, about ten minutes walk. The stream splits up there and comes from two different places. What we want is between the stream.”

Together with the two new companions, they set off, following the stream until they reached where it forked. It was at this point the stream seemed to cascade down a small series of steps before flowing into the brook they had come across and it was at the top of these steps where a small object, probably just bigger than Kyralie’s hand, rested.

“What is it?” Prince and girl both leaned forward but neither could make out what it was.

“I’ll get it,” Kyralie volunteered her wings already unfurling from her back.

“No, it would be rude of me to make you get it. I shall get it. The stream isn’t so fast nor deep enough to cause me any difficulties,” Hunter protested, already wading into the cold waters.

Kyralie subsided, worrying now that she’d gone and made the Prince do something so menial as wading through a stream.

“I’ve done worse you know,” Hunter commented as he reached the steps where the object resided, “being in the army, you can’t exactly keep clean all that well and troops do have to traverse rivers.”

“But... I could have gone and you needn’t have bothered...” Kyralie muttered, wringing her wrists.

Hunter grinned at her before he grabbed the object, blinking when he realised what it was.

“Well, I think we’ve just found our last scavenger item!” Turning, he waded out of the stream to present to Kyralie a gold and silver set of scales.

Seeing it, Kyralie turned deathly pale and staggered backwards.

Hunter stepped forward but halted when she moved back for every move he made towards her. Confused he looked down and studied the scales once more.

They were simple, except for the fact that one half was made of silver while the other was made of gold. The base of it had two strands, one of each metal that twined up to create the stem and from there branched out to create the separate plates. It was what was within the plates that puzzled the Prince.

The silver plate held what seemed to be a heart wrapped in ice while the gold scale held a heart engulfed in flames. Both were the same size yet the scales tipped as though the fire heart were heavier than the one of ice.

“Does this have meaning to you, milady?” Hunter asked quietly, hoping not to scare her any further.

The wolf and raven at her side looked at her silently, their eyes focused only on her as she whispered, “It’s my curse. The items on this list, some were innocent enough but others... they all pertained to my curse!”

She whirled as though to run but the wolf sprang to action, barring her way and baring its fangs as the raven flew to swoop at her when she tried to move forward.

“What do you mean, curse?” Hunter asked but then paused, “I don’t wish to pry into your affairs, milady, but I cannot help if I do not know the problem.”

Kyralie stiffened, keeping her back to the Prince as she slowly drew her blade. Even as she drew it, it glowed red, a red mark inscribing itself upon it to join four other marks there.

Whimpering, she turned and held her blade before her, the red glow abating and showing the clear crystal blade, Kyralie’s face distorted through it.

“This is my curse. For every good or bad deed I commit, a mark is placed against me. When it reaches ten my heart splits and either Fire or Ice will rule me until balance is restored once more.”
Sheathing her blade she sighed, “I have no control when I become one or the other. I either become a cold-blooded killer or a rampaging one. It’s why I find it so hard to interact with others, every interaction can lead to me losing my control.”

Let's start grading this mammoth! This will probably be the first post of three or so.

First, an issue with sentence structure:

Smiling in return, Hunter nodded, “That it does,” walking forward he pulled a piece of paper from his pocket and gave it to Kyralie, “the list of items we are to find, milady.”

Inserting dialogue in-between action like you've done is perfectly fine, but before the word I bolded you need a little something to connect the clauses together. I'd suggest inserting an "and", so that it reads as:

Smiling in return, Hunter nodded, “That it does,” and walking forward he pulled a piece of paper from his pocket and gave it to Kyralie, “the list of items we are to find, milady.”

Next, a small formatting nitpick:

Smiling in return, Hunter nodded, “That it does,” walking forward he pulled a piece of paper from his pocket and gave it to Kyralie, “the list of items we are to find, milady.”
Taking the paper Kyralie’s eyebrows went up, “Fifteen items? Is there usually this many?” Looking at the Prince, she rattled off the list:

You might have just forgotten to hit the enter key, but nonetheless, the two lines here should be separated, like this:

Smiling in return, Hunter nodded, “That it does,” walking forward he pulled a piece of paper from his pocket and gave it to Kyralie, “the list of items we are to find, milady.”

Taking the paper Kyralie’s eyebrows went up, “Fifteen items? Is there usually this many?” Looking at the Prince, she rattled off the list:

Two stylistic nitpicks with these sentences:

The trees were all tall and all full of foliage, making the ground level nicely shaded yet still warm. Light still made its way through the leaves, dappling the forest floor with spots of light and creating beams of light that sparkled.

The bolded "all" here isn't actually wrong--but it disrupts the flow. If you were to be listing three things or more in a parallel structure, like: "The trees were all tall, all verdantly-colored, and all brimming with foliage," then it would work, but in this case, I think it's best left out.

The other thing is the repetition of the word "light" in that one sentence. Try substituting the bolded one for a synonym or a metaphor that creates the same image.

A small error here:

“Its so nice here. We could go further within and feel like we’re far from any kind of civilization but in truth we’d only be an hours walk from the Dome,” Kyralie mused aloud.

"Hours" should be "hour's" with an apostrophe, so that it's possessive. It's a walk in an hour's time.

...and here:

“It’s true, isn’t it? The Dome is a place that makes you feel like you’re always going to discover something new on its premises.” Hunter acknowledged as he tossed the mushroom she had passed to him from hand to hand.

The bolded period should be a comma, since Hunter is acknowledging her statement with what he has said.

I'll stop here, because I have track practice that I need to leave for shortly. I'll try picking back up with this tomorrow afternoon.

Okay, I'll try to squeeze out some more work here before I run off and disappear. :3

Let's pick up where we left off:

Kyralie smiled sadly, “It’s true... but its those places that make these ones so much more appreciated and wanted...” she trailed off then whipped around to stare at Hunter in shock, ...

*pokes* Be sure to watch your apostrophes! Or lack thereof, in this case. There should be one, so that the bolded word will be the contraction for "it is" rather than the possessive form of "it". Skim through the post, because there are a few more instances of this small mistake.

Also in this sentence you need an "and" and a comma before the underlined "then" and after "off", so that it reads as:

Kyralie smiled sadly, “It’s true... but it's those places that make these ones so much more appreciated and wanted...” she trailed off, and then whipped around to stare at Hunter in shock, ...

A small typo here:

Hunter patted the wistful eyed teen with the scroll of items, “Its is indeed good fortune that seemed to bring you here, and there are countless others who are brought to the Dome for various reasons.

Should be "It". Have a look throughout the post for any others you might find.

A few little punctuation issues here:

Hunter rested his chin in hand as he pondered the question, “I’m not certain. Many people inhabit the Dome so who knows where they all decide to rest.

There should be a comma after the bolded "Dome", since when reading aloud you would rightfully take a pause there. Also, even though it's a rhetorical question, that sentence is a question nonetheless and should end in a question mark.

Much later on, I find something awfully nitpicky of me to point out, but I will anyhow:

“It must pass through much of the forest to pick up such a collection of flowers,” the Prince commented as he took a seat on a boulder that sat beside the stream.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with this, and for all I know, I could often be guilty of it myself, but--there is a repetition of sitting imagery here, with the words "seat" and "sat", for Hunter and the boulder respectively. Unless you are emphasizing sitting imagery, or a comparison between the boulder and Hunter, then varying your word choice and imagery here might make the sentence more interesting. I'd try finding a different word to describe the immobile boulder by the stream, if I had to pick one of the two to change.

If you have any questions about what I meant above, please let me know. ^^;; If it really confuses you, I'll get to you as soon as I can (possibly via my Wii.)

Another nitpick soon after, albeit a more easily-understood one:

“It must pass through much of the forest to pick up such a collection of flowers,” the Prince commented as he took a seat on a boulder that sat beside the stream. Here the trees opened enough to let the sun create a perfect circle upon the stream and the surrounding banks.

You say "stream" around this area of the piece quite a few times, with these two bolded instances just being two examples. Try finding a synonym like creek (or even brook, despite your earlier use of it) to replace one of the "stream"s with, or if you find a situation where it would fit nicely, try working in a metaphor to get some nice imagery working. Maybe something like a "broad, curving, serpentine expanse of glimmering teal-blue water," or some such phrase. You don't have to follow my odd style of description. ;P

...And there I'll stop. Hopefully there isn't too much left for Angel to handle--I doubt there are very many errors or nitpicks in the rest. Before I run off, I'd like to commend you as usual on a wonderful job with Hunter's character and with the insertion of thoughts, dialogue, and description. I actually read all of your post the day after I first started grading it, purely because I was so interested in finding out what happened. *applauds* Great work! ^_^

Okay, time to resuscitate this wonderful thread, among others... *cracks knuckles in a clichéd, preparatory way and begins*

I'd like to start off this third grading session with a positive comment, because I really liked this one line in particular:

Hunter sat upon his rock like the Prince he was, surveying his domain and figuring what could be done about the items on the list.

This was a very nicely written analogy. I'm always very pleased with how you portray Hunter. ^_^

There's a small mistake here:

“That leaves us a raven’s feather, an apple, a red ribbon, fur and scales,” Hunter concluded, “I don’t know about you but I haven’t seen any raven’s flying about today.”

I'm sure you know now when looking at this line more closely, but I'm pointing it out anyway--there shouldn't be an apostrophe in "ravens". There's also an instance where an apostrophe is needed in a sentence soon after, but I trust you'll be able to find it and fix it yourself.

Next, a word that sounds a bit out of place:

“Hush.” Kyralie scolded it before standing up, “its up stream, about ten minutes walk. The stream splits up there and comes from two different places. What we want is between the stream.”

"Stream" doesn't feel like the right word in this situation. You need something plural, like "branches" or "forks" (including the phrase "of the stream", like "branches of the stream", afterwards or not), because the word "stream" is singular and saying that something is between it sounds odd.

There's a missing comma here:

“I’ll get it,” Kyralie volunteered her wings already unfurling from her back.

In-between the bolded "volunteered" and "her" there should be a comma, otherwise it sounds like Kyralie is volunteering the use of her wings to someone else, which can make sense, but I don't think that was what you wanted here.

...And that's all the mistakes. Great work! I really liked this post (all of this post!), even if it was extremely long. ;P It was good to get a big ol' sample of your work.

Assignment time (excuse me if I'm rusty, but I want to do this partly in character!)

IC:
A feverish sweat had broke out over the prince's regal features, and his arms and legs swung and thrashed about restlessly in the satin sheets, disturbing any who could hear acutely enough through the room's thick glass walls. Every night that he had made use of his friend's quarters while she was away proved to be a sleepless night, filled with disconcerting nightmares and visions that drove one's heart into a dangerous fervor. Fueled by Hunter's worrisome and, at the same time, curious state of mind, the apparitions that seemed to dwell within this strange room and haunt the dreaming minds of humans had thrown the man into one of the most terrifying, and one of the most real, nightmares they had ever concocted.

The train of events was cluttered and the images fleeting--every second Hunter was struck deeply by flashes of a scythe falling swiftly upon screaming children or helpless villagers, and his sympathetic heart was too distracted by these emotionally-charged scenes to discern the overall gist of the dream itself. Here and there he caught glimpses of auburn hair and elaborate armor, and these sights sent both his dream self and his waking self into a series of violent shudders.

Suddenly then, things calmed down. His dream self was strolling through the halls of the Dome, twirling a ring of keys in his hand. A familiar female student appeared behind him and then--?

The prince awoke with a start, his breathing uneven and quick. He glanced up immediately at the ceiling of Cadenza's room and saw the purple smoke of the enigmatic incense swirling about in the center, massing into a cloud above his head. That smoke was always the agent of his nightmares, and that incense from which the smoke poured forth had been placed here by the Dome. The case was the same with the scales that had frightened Kyralie so much that afternoon, driving all the color from her cheeks. How did the Dome put all these items into place, knowing exactly what would shake one to their very center?

The prince was determined to find out.

OoC: Phew, all right now, I hope I didn't bore you with that lead-in. ^^;;

Hunter will invite Kyralie for breakfast after the night I wrote about above. Have her accept, and meet him in the usually bustling cafeteria, which will be strikingly empty that morning. He'll passionately discuss his resolution with her to find someone in the Dome who can answer both his and her questions, and he'll request her assistance on this task. He may or may not mention his own experience with the unsettling dream. Have Kyralie agree to help him with as much enthusiasm as you see fit, and after a little description of their meal and any conversation they have while eating, have the two head off to the library for information. No word minimum.

The day after the scavenger hunt dawned bright and cheerful, oblivious to the troubled sleep the previous day’s events had stirred for two of the occupants within the Dome. Kyralie was to be found outside her doorway, pale from haunting memories that had plagued her rest, when she heard a familiar voice calling to her.

“Milady!” Hunter strode towards her, a smile upon his face as his student looked towards him with surprise.

“Your Highness! Good morning,” Kyralie greeted him, her eyes startled.

Gold eyes warm with humor, he bowed, “Kyralie, it would be a great honor if you would accompany me to breakfast this fine morn.”

“Ah- oh! Umm,” bobbing down into an awkward curtsy Kyralie looked up at him flustered, “I would be happy to... your Highness...”

“Thankyou, milady. I have some business I must see to first, so if you would meet me in the cafeteria in fifteen minutes? I shall see you there as quick as I can,” bowing once more, Hunter turned and departed, leaving a puzzled Kyralie standing in her doorway.

Confusion swiftly turned to fear as her mind flashed back to the earlier day’s activities, leading her to assume the Prince was angered with her.

“Oh no,” feeling queasy she quickly sat down against her door, head on her knees as she curled up in a tight ball.

“Yo, looking worse for wear since the last time I saw you,” the cheerful voice and flash of gem colored clothing succeeded in bringing up Kyralie’s gaze, her eyes encountering those of Phantasms.

Squatting before her, he ruffled her hair, “bet you didn’t expect to see me did you?”

Wordlessly happy to see him again, she shook her head, her face slowly brightening into a smile, “what are you doing here?”

“Well you’ve been here such a short time I doubt you know where the cafeteria is, right?” not bothering to wait for her answer, the incubus jumped to his feet and reached down to help her up, “I was sent to guide you once more into the puzzle that is the Dome.”

Keeping hold of her hand, Phantasm walked forth confidently, glancing at the subdued Valkyrie occasionally.

“So what’s eating you up? You looked on the verge of mental breakdown when I got here.”

Turning bright red, Kyralie stumbled, “I- I think the Prince is angry at me... or something...”

“The Prince is angry with you? What makes you think that? Knowing him, he wouldn’t invite you to breakfast just to dress you down in front of strangers. He’d do that in private to save both your prides,” Phantasm shook his head at her, his brown hair shifting silkily with the movement like dark ink.

“Some stuff happened yesterday... I hadn’t told him things about myself and I did it quite abruptly, so I think he might be annoyed with me. I could have been more diplomatic – royalty don’t like being shown off to, do they? They like being all-“

Phantasm’s snort of laughter cut off Kyralie’s ramblings, causing her to stop and blink at him in consternation.

“Y-you really think Hunter is the kind who would get angry just because he showed some surprise on that handsome face of his? You know him better than that, or you should by now!” Phantasm scolded her; truly surprised with the way she was behaving.

“Sorry... I’m a bit... frazzled. I didn’t get a good night’s sleep,” bowing her head and feeling chastised, the young woman remained silent for awhile, not even paying attention to where Phantasm was leading her.

“You need to learn to relax more,” Phantasm stated unnecessarily, falling behind her briefly to settle his hands on her shoulders and massage them whilst steering her in the correct direction.

“I know how to relax,” Kyralie muttered as she allowed him to continue guiding her until they reached a long corridor, ending in a wide arch that opened into a large room. Framing the arch were wide pillars, designed with intricate scroll work and meticulous detail.

Giving her a small shove, Phantasm grinned, “That’s the opening to the cafeteria. Hope things go well for you, little one.”
Watching him walk away, Kyralie sighed and faced the wide opening, swallowing her trepidation as she entered into the spacious room. Her stance faltered when she noticed how empty the room was, imposingly so for its grand size.

It was a room designed to entice people to eat their meals in a relaxed yet rich atmosphere, long tables in the middle with smaller ones at the edges of the room. The smaller tables were surrounded with plush chairs and placed between the long arch windows that covered one wall of the cafeteria, the morning light falling in long arcs across the room. Benches were arranged around the long tables, padded with cushions – a luxury compared to tavern benches of hard wood.

All in all it was far statelier than Kyralie had expected for a place that catered to such a wide assortment of races.

Unsure of what to do, Kyralie spotted what looked like a banquet table set up along the wall where she had entered, stocked high with various foods that Kyralie had never seen before. Seeing the flatware and cutlery provided, she made her way to the table and served herself what offerings she recognized and wrinkling her nose at some of the more odious and raw foods on display.

While she debated on where to seat herself, Hunter entered through another entrance and quickly spotted his student.

“Kyralie!” he called, quickly striding towards her, noting the instant relief in her eyes when she saw him. “Please, seat yourself!” Gesturing towards a near by table, the Prince pulled out a chair for her and smiled, excitement burning in his golden eyes.

“I will be just a moment, milady. I must also get myself something to eat, but you need not wait for me to return if you are hungry.”

Blinking at his fervor, Kyralie hesitantly began her meal, watching as the Prince made his way down the banquet table with the ease of knowing where things were.

“Very empty today,” Hunter noted aloud to Kyralie as he made his way back, his voice echoing under the high ceiling. Sitting opposite her, he gracefully began eating his food, seemingly lost in thought as he pondered how to broach the subject of his calling her out.

He need not have thought hard as Kyralie, squirming with unease, finally blurted out, “I-I’m sorry… about the other day. I know I should have told you more about me, you’re my teacher and I should trust you. I didn’t mean to surprise you like that with what I could do... I can do more-”

“Wait a moment Kyralie,” Hunter broke in, his face puzzled, “I am not mad at you. Far from it, the other day brought some things to my attention that I must question as well. Before now, I never paid note to things that were seemingly coincidental within the Dome. It just never occurred to me that those things were deliberate.”

Kyralie watched in fascination as the Prince forgot all about his meal, speaking with such passion she was drawn into his words.

“What happened yesterday was planned – what I thought was a trivial pursuit became an event that pushed you to your limits and made you face something you didn’t wish to. It made me a witness to something I never knew was possible – that the Dome was responsible for the placement of those things on the list and it was the Dome that placed them in your path deliberately, perhaps even knowing how you would respond to such things.

"I want to find out how this is possible. Why does the Dome do this? It seems unlikely to me that a place can plan so far ahead of itself yet that is what appears to be the case here. The Dome is laying things in our paths and perhaps helping us in our own ways to confront that which we fear within us. Yet, I still need to know how this is possible. I want to find out how the Dome knows what to place before us to make us bend as far as we can beneath the strain and confront ourselves. I want to find out what the purpose of the Dome is .”

He stopped, looking at Kyralie earnestly, and she knew what he was going to ask of her before he even asked.

“Will you help me?”

A simple statement really, Kyralie thought, her mind a whirl with Hunter’s passionate speech. A simple statement that would force Kyralie down a path that would lead to the very thing that had managed to shatter her control and confidence the other day, a path that while not dangerous could reveal things that were better left unquestioned.

As if sensing her hesitance, Hunter spoke softly, “I had a dream… influenced by something the Dome left in my rooms. I saw flashes, no clear images but what I saw were masses dying and falling beneath a crystal arc. A crystal scythe wielded by someone with auburn hair.”

Kyralie whimpered, unable to hold back tremors as memories of her own pushed against her mind, the countless images of the dying and dead filling her vision.

“Help me find out why the Dome is doing this to us.”

Shaking her head to dispel the grasping tendrils in her mind, Kyralie looked at Hunter with despairing eyes. There was only one answer she could give the Prince.

“I’ll help,” she whispered.

Relieved, the Prince let out a small sigh, “Thank you Kyralie, this means much to me as you can no doubt tell. Let us finish our meal and then head for the library- there must be something there written of the Dome and how it works.”

Smiling slightly Kyralie continued her meal, glad that the more she ate the more the cold feeling her memories had left behind faded away.

“How did you find getting here?” The Prince asked, pausing from his own nourishing meal to look enquiringly at his pupil.

Kyralie relaxed more at the question, the memory of Phantasm completely replacing those of her past, “Phantasm guided me once more. He showed up at my door soon after you departed and led me here.” Her eyes lost focus as she remembered how helpful Phantasm had been towards her, “he is a true friend.”

Hunter looked at her puzzled, “Phantasm? I don’t know of anyone here named as such.”

Kyralie shrugged, “The Dome is a big place, I’m sure it would take years to see everyone sheltered within here. Phantasm guided me to you that day of the scavenger hunt,” she paused, a small frown marring her features, “he said he was sent to me as per your instructions.”

“I don’t recall giving those instructions to someone named Phantasm,” Hunter said, shaking his head, a speculating look glinting in his eye.

“You think it was the Dome again, don’t you?” Kyralie murmured, receiving a nod in response.

“Are we done here, milady? I am suddenly more eager to get to the library…” the Prince said, already getting to his feet.

Kyralie nodded, getting up and following the Prince through the Dome, frantically hoping the Prince’s suspicions of Phantasm were not true.

He’s my friend, she thought, I don’t want him to be some minion of the Dome… or is that why he’s called Phantasm? Is that all he is? The questions only made her feel worse so Kyralie stopped, wordlessly following Hunter and keeping her mind blank of any fears and doubts she had.

Hunter paused to look back at his student, noting she had paled slightly, “Milady, are you alright?”

Kyralie looked up, her eyes dark with worry, “I’m just hoping that whatever answers we find, we don’t regret finding them…”

Again, I've read this a while ago, but I've been too lazy to evaluate. XD

Let's start:

A mere formatting suggestion first:

The day after the scavenger hunt dawned bright and cheerful, oblivious to the troubled sleep the previous day’s events had stirred for two of the occupants within the Dome.

Kyralie was to be found outside her doorway, pale from haunting memories that had plagued her rest, when she heard a familiar voice calling to her.

I think you could put these two paragraphs together and make things look a little neater and more compact. Simply do this:

The day after the scavenger hunt dawned bright and cheerful, oblivious to the troubled sleep the previous day’s events had stirred for two of the occupants within the Dome. Kyralie was to be found outside her doorway, pale from haunting memories that had plagued her rest, when she heard a familiar voice calling to her.

A repetition nitpick here:

He’d do that in private to save both your prides,” Phantasm shook his head at her, his brown hair moving silkily with the movement like dark ink.

You've already described the motion with a form of "movement" later in the sentence, and it would be difficult to find a way to change that one. So instead, try substituting the bolded word for something else to convey the image, like "swaying". Strong verbs and nouns are important in establishing good imagery. Think about it--"Katie rocketed down the hill on her skateboard" gives a stronger picture than "Katie skated quickly down the hill on her skateboard", doesn't it?

Verb tense issue:

“You need to learn to relax more,” Phantasm stated unnecessarily, falling behind her briefly to settle his hands on her shoulders and massaging them whilst steering her in the correct direction.

What you put might not be wrong, but I think "massage" would fit better and improve the flow of the sentence. It keeps thing "parallel" so to speak, since it would be in the same tense as "settle", the other thing he was doing in relation to her shoulders.

Another repetition nitpick comes next:

“Kyralie!” he called, quickly striding towards her, noting the quick relief in her eyes when she saw him.

You use two forms of "quick" in the same sentence here. Try replacing the bolded word with something like "sudden".

A typo here:

Blinking at his fervor, Kyralie hesitantly began her meal, watching as the Prince made his was down the banquet table with the ease of knowing where things were.

Should be "way". I'm merely pointing this out to remind you to keep on your toes. ;P

...And I'll stop there. Once you attend to those nitpicks and errors, I'll continue on with the rest of your wonderful post. ^_^

You are quite the speed demon, Kitty Chibi. o_O

Let's pick up again:

Small mistake here:

“What happened yesterday was planned – what I thought was a trivial pursuit became an event that pushed you to your limits and made you face something you didn’t wish to. It made me a witness to something I never knew was possible – that the Dome was responsible for the placement of those things on the list and it was the Dome that placed them in your path deliberately, perhaps even knowing how you would respond to such things.

I want to find out how this is possible. Why does the Dome do this? It seems unlikely to me that a place can plan so far ahead of itself yet that is what appears to be the case here. The Dome is laying things in our paths and perhaps helping us in our own ways to confront that which we fear within us. Yet, I still need to know how this is possible. I want to find out how the Dome knows what to place before us to make us bend as far as we can beneath the strain and confront ourselves. I want to find out what the purpose of the Dome is .”

There should be a quotation mark before the second paragraph. When speaking at length like Hunter is here, each paragraph should be begun with a quotation mark, and only the final paragraph of speech should be concluded with a ending quotation mark, as you have done.

That's the only error left worth pointing out. Great work! As always, you did a wonderful job conveying expressions and emotions, and Hunter's character was perfectly written. *applauds*

Here's your next lesson:

Write up an introductory post for a Crossroads involving Kyralie and Hunter (and perhaps Phantasm, if you'd like) which further carries on this storyline of discovery and curiosity towards the Dome. You can post it here, and after I evaluate it, we can have it begin for real. I'd have you participate in this along with another student, but there's no one available who's truly ready for something like this yet, methinks. Anyhow, be creative and have fun! No word minimum.

Sunlight glittered down from long arch windows set in stone that had stood for countless lifetimes, making the marble floor glow with the endless potentials that a new day brings. The light bathed two figures who strode with purpose down one of the hundreds of connecting halls within the maze that was the Dome.

The man walked with the air of a noble, sure of himself and his place in the world and the task before him. Not surprising since he was Prince Hunter Merridale. His golden eyes sparkled with the endless questions and thirst for knowledge that had driven him on his quest to discover the secrets of the Dome. As his pupil watched him, he absentmindedly ran a hand through his hair, the light catching it and turning the deep brown to a lighter, honey shade. He didn’t seem to mind his hair was slightly mussed, showing that he was confident enough that looks weren’t a priority when there were more important matters to see to.

The girl smiled slightly, her dual coloured eyes brighter in the sunlight. The left was sapphire blue and the other a ruby red, and they looked at her companion with trust. The Prince had taken her as his student, and even after he had seen a hint of the crimes she had committed in her past, he had still accepted her. It went a long way to easing the Valkyrie’s troubled heart. It was also a key reason she had agreed to join him on his quest to better understand the Dome. From feeling unwanted so much by her mother, the easy acceptance he gave was a rare thing that the young woman would repay in any way she could.

Hunter turned to his companion, “Kyralie, thank you again for agreeing to accompany me. I know this will be hard in regards to your friendship with Phantasm, but hopefully the results will not be the worst.”

Kyralie smiled reassuringly, her mind turning to her only friend within the Dome. Phantasm had been sent by the Dome to guide Kyralie on two occasions, something she and Hunter had been unaware of until recently. It was her fear that she would discover he was as his name suggested, an illusion commanded by the Dome.

“I hope so too…” Kyralie murmured belatedly. Her thoughts had distracted her and she realised now they were walking through a very different hallway, “how far is this library?”

Hunter grinned, “Ah, we’re heading for the central library. There are many different libraries within the Dome, but the central one is by far the biggest and should hold some of the oldest books here. Hopefully one will explain the Dome and what it is capable of.”

Kyralie shivered. The last thing the Dome had done was send her on a hunt that had brought the heart of her existence to her face – an event that had sent her into a panic and sparked this expedition.

Seeing her response, the Prince tried to distract her, “We should nearly be there, milady. See how the hall in now more homely seeming? Sometimes the Dome provides hints to show where you are heading.”

Glancing around, the Valkyrie noted that the floor was no longer marble but a deep mahogany wood that showed lots of wear. Alcoves appeared periodically, some with soft chairs to rest in and others a table with books upon them.

“It’s just such a big place… We left the dining hall fifteen minutes ago and we still haven’t reached the library,” she whispered in awe. From her first memory of seeing the Dome she realised it was probably the size of a large city.

“The Dome is large, true. But if I remember correctly, it can alter itself to suit its own purposes. People have been known to open doors and find themselves in places that weren’t there earlier. It stands to reason that if the Dome was feeling helpful it would create a shortcut for a person so they wouldn’t have to cross from one side to the other,” Hunter thought aloud, his eyes narrowing as a suspicion ran through his head, “this better not be one of the times the Dome decides to hinder a person.”

OoC: Hope this is a suitable intro for a crossroads ._.;;;;

Eit iz. Eit iz.

*Stamps with approval*

You can start the Crossroads now, or wait until Aiko gets back. Your choice. ^_^