[Awbri] Kellson's Training.

Looming above them rested a small, stone encampment, too small to be a castle, but to big to be a mansion. Kellson perched on a boulder, glancing at it briefly as he cleaned the crossbow and slotted more bolts into its niches and ammo deposits. He smiled at it, his finest tool in life. Custom made.

“Sir, the guards number somewhere from fifteen to twenty. Several watchdogs patrol the courtyards inside,” the commoner said, half-hiding behind a thin oak, as if the baron inside could see him from the far off walls.

“Not to bad,” Kellson said nonchalantly. “I’ll get back with you. Go tell your friends that they should start as soon as they can. The watchmen can’t spot you from this range, you know,” he added, as the peasant bent down surreptitiously to scurry away, like a big mouse.

Kellson smirked, and glanced at the pouch on his hip. “What do you think, Norman?”

An inquisitive, bewhiskered snout poked out of the leather flap and wrinkled at him. Kellson laughed, settling down to wait for the signal.

Fifteen minutes later, a gargantuan plume of smoke, thick, black, and greasy erupted from the rear of the fortress. Kellson smiled, patted the prickly bag, which snuffled, and stood. Testing the ground, he shrugged off his cloak and flexed his back. Angelic wings sprouted from his shoulder blades, great feathered white wings that picked him up off the ground and bore him into the sky.

I thank God for His gift, Kellson prayed, as always. The gift of flight was a treasure, as was an allegiance with God the Father. Imagine how Heaven must be, if all its occupants are ascended in this manner It is only a taste of His reward. The only sad part was that no one could know about his wings until it was to late for them. Wings gave him the edge in a fight, especially to an unaware opponent. Kellson soared through the air towards the castle as tiny, dark pinpricks scurried across the ramparts, no bigger than a toy from his height.

“I’ve got...nothing...to gain, to lose,” he sang, twirling on a thermal.

Descending to the courtyard, he unslung his crossbow and strode through the opened door, which led to the deserted kitchens. He hefted a discarded meat cleaver in his left hand and continued on.

The passages through the castle were deserted; the soldiers and servants must have run to put out the fire at the rear gates. They probably thought an army had come, the clumsy idiots. His lip curled as he passed grandiose tapestries and portraits of previous occupants, no doubt the family of the baron himself. Resist the urge to take that torch and burn them. Resist! Christ, this guy’s more arrogant than I am.

The ascension of the tower lasted only a few minutes, and soon Kellson had found the final door, a large and imposing thing with gold bordering. He turned the handle and entered, raising his crossbow.

The baron sat at a table across the room, surrounded by ten guards, all holding various weapons: swords, maces, halberds. Kellson said nothing, face remaining impassive.

“Welcome to my home,” the baron said snidely. His stubby legs dangled, not touching the floor, and his bald head shone in the sunlight. He was fat, giving the impression of a large egg with arms and legs. “I’m sure you were here to steal my wife or take my money or some such foolery. You can either be tortured, or...” he paused. “Well, there is no or. You’ll be tortured, drawn, quartered, buried in five different graves, and your pelvis shall be screwed to a cake stand. That will teach those bloody villagers to hire a regicide.”

Kellson raised the crossbow. The guards tensed, and for the first time, Kellson smiled.

“Your men are all around you, but not one of them can touch me before I shoot you. My pelvis will stay where it is, thanks.”

The baron chuckled. Kellson arched an eyebrow, sneaking a glance at the light shadow in front of him...

He spun and stuck the meat cleaver in the gut of another guard, watching the luckless man’s face contort in agony as he fell to the ground. A clanking sound behind him alerted the attack of the rest of the baron’s stooges. Kellson continued spinning, firing off bolt after bolt into the guards. Most rebounded off the armor, as he had not brought his best bolts and arrows with stronger tips, but a few hit their mark, and three guards fell to the ground. The revolving bolt slots, holding twenty at a time, clicked empty. Kellson slammed the door shut before they could reach him, at the same time de-attaching the slot barrel, jamming it under the door, and sliding a second into place from another pouch. The door shook from the guard’s blows, but held. Spiny Norman, the faithful hedgehog, hopped out of his bag and began to swell.

“Yes, Norman, I know. They’re behind the door,” Kellson grunted. He unfolded his wings and kicked the door jam out, fluttering above the frame. The guards rushed out and continued down the stairs, trying to find him. Kellson smirked again, dropping down to the ground and re-entering the baron’s room, shutting the door quietly.

The baron’s face turned white. Kellson smiled and raised his bow.

“That’s right, Baron. God’s judgement is here,” he said, and fired.

Retrieving all the bolts he found, Kellson shoved the baron’s corpse out the window, watching it fall into the tree line. The villagers would no doubt find it soon, with a bolt between the ribs. Norman scampered onto his shoulder as he threw himself out the window, floating gently down to the courtyard at the same time the guards emerged from the bottom floor of the castle, now with twelve more strengthening their ranks. The new twelve had bows.

“There he is! Get ‘em!”

“Oh, Christ,” Kellson said, and ran. Badly aimed arrows whizzed past him, one nicking his ear in a lucky strike. He sped to the wall, said, “Oh, bugger.” The door was a flaming wreck after the villagers’ successful diversion, and the guards were catching up.

I need to learn how to use these swords better, Kellson thought, unsheathing one. His education in swordsmanship consisted of but was not limited to knowing where to stick the tip.

A simple door appeared randomly next to the flames. Kellson blinked and stopped to think, but the sudden arrival of an arrow into the door reminded him there was no time to think unless he was running at the same time. He kicked the door open and ran in...

And outside again.

“Eh?”

Trees surrounded a circular clearing. A few birds twittered, but otherwise no sound came from behind him: no yelling soldiers, no crackling flames, no whoomph of the smoke. Turning, he saw that the castle itself was completely gone. A grating, creaking noise caused him to slowly look back around. Norman bounded off his shoulder and squeaked urgently.

“Christ, Norman. It’s a giant dome.”

The sun reflected off of the dome’s top, sparkling brightly and sending blinding light down to the ground and forest below. Kellson trotted around it until he found the door. It was small, an arch. He shouldered his crossbow, hid his wings under his skin, and opened the door.

Hello! So I believe Drewey has assigned you to me as my first student. I would love to evaluate your writing now, but I only just managed to sign on for a moment. I just wanted you to see who I was at least. I'll look at your work tomorrow.

Oh, and sorry for the delay.

Cool. Thank you.

Alrighty, sorry if this evaluation is a bit brief, but I promise to be more in depth with later lessons...

Looming above them rested a small, stone ecampment

A small typo here. Just fix that up to say "encampment" and we're fine.

One other small error I noticed off the bat was that you used the wrong to/too/two occasionally. You did this in the first sentence mostly, but I believe I spotted it once or twice more throughout the piece. Go back and skim through to check for those.

His lip curled as he passed grandiose tapestries and portraits of previous occupants, no doubt the family of the baron himself. Resist the urge to take that torch and burn them. Resist Christ, this guy’s more arrogant than I am.

Here I interpreted the bolded sentences as thoughts, and if that is indeed what they are, it helps if you put them in italics. It gives me a head up that you're going to be switching into first person at the very least.

Now, as for content... your first sentence was okay, but it didn't quite grab my attention. Setting can be appropriate to start with, especially if it is a very unusual setting, but action or dialogue generally catches a reader's attention better. Sometimes describing an important object or person can work as well, as long as you don't write long expository chunks, and just keep it to details that would perhaps create intrigue. Keep that in mind for future lessons.

Overall, I liked your piece. It was interesting and your use of descriptive vocabulary was very good. Ha, and Kellson's reaction to the Dome was great. Nice job. Just go back and fix up those errors I pointed out and you can continue on.

Aaand... since I haven't been able to speak with Drewey lately, I'll give you a fairly simple assignment for now:

You can have Kellson wander about inside as much as you like, but eventually have him receive a message from Cadenza (whom he does not meet in person yet, someone else will deliver it to him). The message will provide him with instructions to his new room in the Dome, which you can do whatever you'd like with. Just be creative. Minimum 600 words.

I apologize in advance for the run-of-the-mill type assignment. I was hoping to have some help from Drewey before I gave out my first. I'll make your later ones better. :embrsd:

*tackles*

I'm sowwy, Altamira. I'm back now.

I'm just in to comment on Duke's great writing, and Aiko's great work as a Student Teacher. ^^ You should have no problem, the both of you. Drewey looks forwards to reading more!

Sorry for the wait. Word count is 1000 thirty-something.

BiC: “Helooooooooo–ooooooooh?”

Helloooooo, Kellson’s voice echoed back in an ethereal chorus. He chuckled and strode down the short, squat hallway. Several torches sputtered weakly, giving off little light. He found the door and opened it, shouldering his crossbow.

In stark contrast, an enormous atrium greeted him. People of all shapes, sizes, colors, and races strode through the cave-like room. A hulking man with a hunchback stalked past, sending slight tremors through Kellson’s body. A small dragon hissed at him and bared its teeth, snarling. Floating serenely by, a long, dark-haired man smiled, revealing long canines. Kellson stared at him. What a freak.

He shoved past the rushing, pell-mell crowd, going in no general direction. He just wandered. Someone pushed him hard, trying to get past, he fell into a pair of centaurs that carried enormous longbows; they whinnied at him and he leapt up, ignoring them, bearing down on the perpetrator.

The man who shoved him was actually an elf; his pointed ears poked out of his long, sleek, hair. He carried a bow himself, along with two scimitars on his hips. He sneered at Kellson. Kellson retaliated by striding up and giving him a roundhouse punch to the side of the jaw, sending the elf sprawling.

“Yeah, that’s right, prissy boy. Watch where you’re going next time you’re on your way to get your hair combed,” Kellson snarled.

The elf, lying on the floor, smashed his fists into the marble floor, launching himself upright. He stood a good two inches taller than Kellson, but he stood his ground.

“What’s this? A Man getting mad for a little push?” The elf chuckled. “My word, the rumors are true. Men do get mad at anything.”

Kellson half-raised his arm, slightly opened his mouth, and raised his eyebrows. “Naw, we get pushy. Wanna go, punk?”

The elf was already raising his bow, and Kellson’s crossbow was already loaded and cocked. They simultaneous opened fire, but the repeating crossbow shot erupted in bolts, while the elf could only fire one at a time in two seconds. Kellson charged while firing, lashing out with his boot and smacking into the elf’s nose. Too close for his bow, the elf drew two scimitars and flailed madly with them. Kellson grabbed the elf’s arms and wrenched them, and the scimitars dropped. The elf winced and stumbled.

“Nice one, pretty boy!” Kellson crowed. The crowd had disappeared, as had the atrium, to be replaced by a rocky outcropping between several hills. Kellson didn’t care, but the elf took a second to look. One second was one to many, and Kellson unloaded with bolts, emptying the clip. The elf dodged most of them, but one stopped square in front of his chest and the atrium returned.

Kellson reloaded his crossbow calmly, and this time with metal bolts rather than wood. “My God, if all the people in this dome are twice the fighters you are, I’ll have a boring time here.”

The elf stalked away in a huff, hair askew. Kellson laughed, and in his bag, Norman whiffled and snorted in mirth.

“Mm. From nobility to puffed up elves. How the mighty have fallen.” Kellson continued on through the crowd. Someone muttered, “Nice fight,” as they passed, but otherwise there were no comments. They all must be warriors and archmagi and such, or they’d be impressed. So, this has to be a big training area or something. That would explain why that elf wasn’t spilling his guts all over after the fight, too.

“Kellson!”

Kellson turned, thoughts interrupted. “Huh?”

A gray squirrel that fluctuated in size saluted crisply and handed him a scroll. “Your presence is requested at the banquet!”

Kellson stared. The squirrel shifted, growing from normal size to Kellson’s height. “Well, not really. I’ve just always wanted to say that. My brother has a job as a spirit guide for trainee Buddhists, and he gets to say that. I just want to keep up the tradition, you know?”

Kellson kept staring. The squirrel coughed. “Um. It’s all right there in that paper. Um. Bye.” It shrunk and disappeared.

“This place is insane,” Kellson said. He brushed his brown bangs out of his eyes and unraveled the scroll. It proclaimed in neat handwriting: Kellson- Congratulations on finding your way to the Dome. Please, go to your dormitory that has been prepared for you and wait for further instructions. I will be teaching you to become a better warrior, and if that isn’t good for you I don’t know what is. Kellson grinned and nodded. Follow the instructions on this sheet, and I will meet you at your room as soon as I can. Cadenza Madrigal.

Kellson shrugged. “All right, then.”

The ink on the paper merged and grew into a sentence. ‘Go to the door to your top left.’ Kellson looked up and left. A door had appeared.

“Ask and ye shall receive.” Norman squeaked in agreement. Kellson opened it and emerged into a mostly empty hallway. The paper now read, ‘Go to the end of the hall and choose the middle door. Do not step on the flagstone in front of you with the crack.’

Kellson selected a spent wood bolt and tossed it on the flagstone; the flagstone promptly grew a face. The face opened its mouth and swallowed the bolt. “What in Christ’s name?” Kellson asked blankly.

He hopped over the flagstone and loped to the middle door, going through it. He checked the instructions. ‘Go through the library to the bust of the dwarf with the large hammer. Turn right, and you will see a passageway. Go through it. The third door on the right is yours.’ Kellson followed the instructions and opened his dorm’s door.


His room was fairly small, with a desk in one corner with shelves and a padded chair. The bed, which sported dark purple pillows and blankets, took up most of the opposite wall. A cabinet was to the left of the door, and a half a dozen hooks came out of the wall above. Kellson, understanding the meaning, hung his swords and spear on them. He flopped down on the bed and sighed. Now, to wait for this Madrigal person.

OoC:
Don't worry about how long you take with your lessons. I'll be slower in my evaluating after Monday.

Okay now, just a few things to point out this time…

Kellson half-raised his arm, slightly opened his mouth, raised his eyebrows.

Here you may want to insert an “and” before the word raised so it reads as…

Kellson half-raised his arm, slightly opened his mouth, and raised his eyebrows.

It flows a bit more smoothly.

Another thing...

Kellson laughed, and in his bag, Norman whuffled and snorted in mirth.

I believe the bolded word is a typo. Did you mean to put whiffed, whiffled, or huffed?

The only other small thing I'd like to point out is a rather nitpicky one… Cadenza would probably never sign a note with “Yours faithfully.” Although, I'm sure I'd even be hard-pressed to find a closing for her to use when writing to most people, so I could let that slide.

Content-wise, I liked the little fight you included in there, as well as all the details about the changing of the Dome and the diversity of the students within it. Kellson keeps me entertained, and is growing to become one of my new favorite BA characters. And of course, the descriptive vocabulary is great. Good work.

Once you fix up those small errors, you can continue on. This next assignment is hard to give you in character, but I'll try to work something in since you left off where Kellson would meet Cadenza…

BiC:
Cadenza waltzed down the hallway, swinging a ring of keys around her finger as she made her way to her new student’s room. She stopped at the blue door third on the right and gave the ring one last loop around before snatching the silver key. Without a second thought, she began to unlock and open the door. This Kellson should be all settled in now.

Kellson was resting upon his bed when Cadenza took her first step inside. He rose to a sitting position at a relaxed pace and began to look the gypsy over.

“Quite a modest room we’ve given you,” Cadenza said, ignoring the young man’s studying of her. She walked over to the weapons hanging on the wall, and ran a finger over the polished metal head of the spear. “Many different weapons... you're versatile, hm? Swords and spears are all well and good, but I myself, as you can see, prefer a bow.”

Kellson looked at her dagger and smirked.

“That’s for… messier encounters,” Cadenza explained, returning the smirk. The gypsy turned back to the weapons. “Now then… since it seems you’re all settled in and what not… are you up for a bit of a field trip?”

OoC:
Here's what she means, since it's too hard to really explain in character, as I said…

Write an intro for either a Crossroads or a Battle, involving you, my other two students (Mikey B using his character TDC and Awkin using his character Jhans Frenn) and myself obviously using Cadenza Madrigal. For this intro, you decide the conflict, the setting, etc. In other words, this assignment will be fairly open-ended. There are only two requirements:

Firstly, make sure your premise works for all those involved. Don't make it a quest for the [insert cool name here] sword unless there would be some purpose for each character to want said sword. Perhaps the sword could be very valuable, and then my character Cadenza would want it so that she could sell it. Or maybe the sword is stronger than another character's current sword, and so they would want it. Just be creative with whatever you do.

Secondly, make it 800 words minimum. Normally I'd like my intros to be a bit longer, but 800 works for this lesson.

If you and the other two students are interested, we can vote on our favorite intro (all three of you will be doing this assignment at some point, I've already given it to Mikey B, and Awkin will hopefully get it soon) and perhaps do a Crossroads or Battle with the intro together.

And to clarify: although this is an intro for a Crossroads or Battle, still post this only in your training thread.

Have fun with this lesson!

Okay, edits are done. Yours faithfully just sounded fancy. Looking at Cadenza's profile, I doubt she'd say 'sincerely'.

Word count: 829. I'm to lazy to do any more today.

IC:“Are you up for a bit of a field trip?”

Kellson’s smirk grew larger. He fingered his dagger absent-mindedly. “What am I, ten years old?”

"You heard of golems?" she asked, ignoring him.

"Yeah." Golems infested the mountains near his homeland. They never bothered anyone, and sent down ore they mined on a regular basis. They were their own masters, but anyone could alter the words in their head by taking them out, scribbling some instructions, and stuffing them back in again. No matter how nice they were, it didn’t alter the fact that a mad golem was capable of tearing your arms off with their bare hands. Kellson had gone up against a golem once, when an earl east of Armenia had changed its words. The crossbow was a good weapon for people, but he grew to realize that the golem had two weapons attached to its arm: closer, as it were, to hand. "What about them?"

"There's a tribe of them living in a mountain range north of here. They live in a fortress, but have no weapons. You know what they say."

"Golem must have a master," Kellson said, monotone. "Golems shalt not kill." Fwah, fwah, fwah.

Cadenza nodded. "They're being attacked by an army."

"Whose?" Good guys, yeah, but not someone to throw your life away for.

"We don't know. We're lucky we know about it at all; a teacher was out on griffin-back and spotted a smoke signal from their city-fortress."

Kellson blinked. That sounded fairly stupid. "So we'll just charge in in a blaze of glory and come out the other end like we just went through a meat grinder?"

"Ha ha," Cadenza said dryly.

"Really, I mean it," Kellson said. "What do we get out of this?"

For the first time, Cadenza hesitated. "A warm feeling inside from doing the right thing?" she asked unconvincingly.

"Ha ha," he mimicked sardonically.

"You should have your own building. People would pay tickets to see such amazing humor. All right, the reason is because I'm your teacher and I say we are. You won't be going alone, either. I've got two other students coming along."

Kellson rolled his eyes. "Bugger, so we've got me, you--" he cast a dubious eye over her once more, "and two rookies?"

"They're no more rookies than you are," she said, ignoring the slight.

“And who decided you got to be a teacher, then?” Oh, boy! Authorities! I know what I do with authorities, insert dramatic pause here.

“The other teachers,” Cadenza said, face impassive.

“Who made them teachers?”

“The teachers before them, and if you ask who made them teachers then there will be trouble.”

"Fine,” Kellson lied. “When do we leave?"

"Whenever you're ready."

Kellson lazily got off the bed. "Gimme a minute. I'll be right out."

As Cadenza left, Kellson chuckled and pulled the crossbow out from under the bed. It was compacted back down to the size of a hunk of firewood. If she had missed that, she'd miss other things, too. I’ll have to get some archery going on the trip and show some skill. Nothing’s as fun as making people angry at you.

Maybe, said the second voice in his head, but Madrigal seemed to be a tough nut to crack.

“Quiet, you,” Kellson said.

He pulled down his short, curved sword, sheathed it, and grabbed his spear. Halfway to the door, he paused. Being an opportunistic person himself, and extremely cynical, Kellson saw her uneasiness when he asked about a reward. She obviously wasn't thrilled with the idea of doing something for nothing, no matter how chivalrous the action. There had to be something to be had at the end of the upcoming battle, and she didn't want to share it. Kellson grinned to himself; that'll be fun to take, no matter what it is. He opened the cupboard and, to his delight, several boxes full of crossbow bolts, good metal ones with barbs, were awaiting him. Eagerly, he swapped out most of his own bolts for the new, but kept a few of the wooden make. Fire arrows were always useful.

Besides, the invasion army had to have a government it answered to. Surely there could be some regicide at the end. The thought cheered him up greatly. Patting his bag to make sure Norman was still there, Kellson opened the door and saw his teacher and other two students waiting.

One was a boy who looked fairly bad off. He wore dirty rags for clothes, his eyes were different colors, and something bleached his hair white...unless he was born like that? He stood uneasily, shifting his weight from foot to foot. The bear, also white-haired, cocked its head at him, blinking. It looked very majestic despite being a big furball, and it wore armor. Bears in clothes? This place was REALLY insane.

Kellson said nothing, waiting for Cadenza Madrigal to speak.

Only one small error to speak of this time...

Kellson grinned to himself; that would be fun to take, no matter what it is.

A bit of trouble with clashing tenses here. You could change it to either this...

Kellson grinned to himself. That is going to be fun to take, no matter what it is.

...which would make that second sentence a thought (so then it's is fine being in the present tense) or you could change it to this...

Kellson grinned to himself; that would be fun to take, no matter what it was.

Besides that, I didn't spot any other noticeable mistakes.

I'm a bit rushed right now so I'll just say that content-wise you did a nice job with keeping Cadenza in character.

Now... for your next lesson, I already sent you a PM with the details on what I'm planning. If what I talked about doesn't work out, I'll think up a new one for you as soon as I can.

I have a new lesson thought up for you, Duke, if you would like something to tide you over while we wait for Awkin. Post here if you would like to receive it.

Awkin just busted out with his Crossroads intro, but I'm game. Shoot me up.

Yeah, he PMed me to tell me a little after my last post. I'll be getting to him right after this.

Anyhow, here's your assignment...

Your character notices Cadenza clutching a journal rather protectively during one of their conversations. Whether for your own amusement, or because of curiosity towards your mysterious teacher, you decide you want to read the contents of the notebook. Through whatever means you choose, you learn of the whereabouts of Cadenza’s room and sneak in there while she is away to find the journal.

Your character soon discovers upon entering Cadenza’s room (in whatever way you end up doing so) that the walls and ceiling of the room are mirrors that reflect back your thoughts and fears. Intoxicating incense is burning from the six corners of the strange hexagonal room, and in the center a mischievous young purple dragon belonging to Cadenza slumbers upon a rug. You must find the journal and escape the room quickly before the incense affects you, Avello the dragon awakens, and/or Cadenza returns. If you need more details on Cadenza’s room, you can find them in this old training post of mine.

You may or may not end up choosing to read the journal--that I will leave up to you. If you’re interested, the journal will mostly contain information from this, and then some. I'm only going to require 700 words minimum here.

Kellson sat, cross-legged, in a corner of one of the dome’s many libraries, whittling away at sticks as they slowly morphed into crossbow bolts. Rock and roll, blasting from the earphones of an iPod and still not disrupting the general peace and quiet, soothed him into a quiet, meditative state. Quietly, he nodded his head in time to the beat.

“And eeeeeeeeeeeeye’m...gettin’ ready...to leave the grooooo-owww-ooooound,” he mouthed silently. Abruptly, he glanced up.

Cadenza Madrigal was busily scribbling in a leather-bound book. He fluidly rose from his seat and quietly strode over, peeking over her shoulder. Silently, he mouthed as she wrote. Now I’ve been stuck with a fleabag, a hell-spawn, and a complete jerk who needs to be taken down a peg or two...

She saw his shadow and snapped the book shut, whirling. Seeing him, she relaxed slightly. “Oh, it’s you.”

“Yeah.” He kept his face carefully blank. There was an awkward silence. She nodded, stood, and left. Kellson crossed his arms and leaned against the bookcase, watching her go, holding the journal protectively at her side.

Kellson thought of his choice for all of thirty seconds. After all, his third overall goal in life was to piss everyone off in some form or another if they deserved it, after reaching Heaven after death and shooting nobility. And she had written mean and nasty things.

“Norman?” he called, softly. Norman poked his snout out from behind an informative picture book about hedgehog life and squeaked softly.

“You mind running a distraction for me?”

Sniff, squeak.

“Cool. Go distract Madrigal, all right? About ten, fifteen minutes ought to do it. Wait a few so she can get to her room.”

Norman abandoned his book and raced out into the hall. Kellson followed at a more leisurely pace, pausing to feign interest in random books, and finally stopping at the librarian’s desk.

“Where is Cadenza Madrigal’s room? She’s my teacher and I need to ask her some questions,” he lied smoothly.

The librarian, a small gnome with thick spectacles, peered at him. “Go down the hall, turn right, go upstairs, and turn a left. Her door has a purple curtain on it.”

“Thank you.” Kellson liked libraries, and the librarians in them. They were quiet, didn’t disturb anyone, and wouldn’t pick a fight or break laws unless you hurt one of their precious books. Kellson understood that and respected it, but that was no reason to hurt someone for having an overdue novel.

He strolled outside and muffled shouts reached his ears. He grinned and ran to Cadenza’s dorm. He stopped before turning the corner, casting up his hood. The shouts were louder now, and his teacher turned the corner sharply, muttering angrily, headed towards the commotion. Kellson smirked.

Finding her door, he glanced furtively around, and, seeing no one, slipped inside. He froze.

A small, purple dragon reclined on the carpet. It snored lightly, probably due to the overpowering incense. Kellson tiptoed around it, reaching for the journal. He picked it up and paused, scanning the room. It was...different, to say the least. It was hexagonal, with lots of mirrors. He looked in one at his reflection.

The reflection smiled by itself, cockily. Ha, it looks just like I do after I’ve killed someone. Wait. I’m not grinning, but it is. Uh-oh. The reflection grew wings. The real Kellson did not.

The reflection cocked its head, and fell, pierced by an arrow. Kellson clutched his chest; it felt real! Cadenza entered the reflection, placing another arrow on her bow, picking up her journal from Kellson’s trembling fingers.

What? I’m not afraid of her? What is this?

Cadenza disappeared, and so did the pain in his chest. The reflection paled, screaming silently as one by one, the feathers were plucked out and burned. Soon, all that was left were the bare cannulae, twitching in agony. Kellson closed his eyes, breathed through his mouth to block the incense. It’s not real, it’s not real, it’s not real!

Now the reflection had dropped to its knees, still screaming without sound. Flames erupted around it, with shadows and smoke leaping around it. Kellson felt Hell’s punishment. He erupted in sweat; his body combusted before his eyes. He was paralyzed, staring at his own body blacken and char, feeling every second of the wrath of purgatory. He closed his eyes, grabbed the journal, and fled the room. The pain halted abruptly, and his skin returned to normal. His wings were there, below his skin. Kellson was still drenched in sweat, and shook violently. Trembling, he took paper and a pencil from the library and shaded on the new paper over the old, making a carbon copy of the first few pages. He tucked them into his pocket, dropping the journal.

I don’t want to read it, he thought. It’s enough that I have it. I can read it anytime I want. But now...I don’t. He breathed in deeply and turned, walking away.

OoC: Word count is 840 something. It would be longer but it's late. Maybe I'll randomly have him read the journal later.

~My Grace.

I will evaluate this lesson sometime tomorrow.

After you make whatever corrections I may tell you to, your next assignment is to participate in this thread. Hope you have fun with the other students!

Alrighty, evaluation time:

...There really aren’t any grammatical mistakes that I could catch. This was very well done. I like that Kellson did indeed take the journal for his own amusement, because that purpose really works for his character.

Now there's just one little stylistic thing that bothered me slightly during my first reading...

“Yeah.” He kept his face carefully blank. There was an awkward silence. She nodded, stood, and left. Kellson crossed his arms and leaned against the bookcase, watching her go, holding the journal protectively at her side.

Kellson thought of his choice for all of thirty seconds. After all, his third overall goal in life was to piss everyone off in some form or another if they deserved it, after reaching Heaven after death and shooting nobility. And she had written mean and nasty things.

The transition between the ideas in these two paragraphs happens too quickly. I can follow the thought process and understand the reason why you would write it this way, but I think that perhaps for readers who haven't seen what the lesson was, or maybe just can't follow, the change from Kellson observing Cadenza and her journal to immediately mulling over whether or not to take it is too quick. The edit I would suggest is...

“Yeah.” He kept his face carefully blank. There was an awkward silence. She nodded, stood, and left. Kellson crossed his arms and leaned against the bookcase, watching her go, holding the journal protectively at her side.

An idea suddenly popped into Kellson's mind--he should take Cadenza's journal. His third overall goal in life was to piss everyone off in some form or another if they deserved it, after reaching Heaven after death and shooting nobility. And she had written mean and nasty things. Kellson only had to think of his choice for all of thirty seconds.

I think this way would be clearer and make the transition less abrupt.

Aside from that, I have no other nitpicks. As I said before, this was very good. The hallucination in Cadenza's room was interesting and the descriptions, especially for the hallucination, were written well. Nice work.

Roar......

I don't have a real assignment thought up for you yet, so I'd like you to either submit one of your already existing posts from your character fiction piece for a review, or write a new post for it to submit. I'll promise to have a better lesson for you afterwards.

http://www.zeldauniverse.net/forums/...80#post1040080

Righto. Or, I'll just post it here for E-Z-ness. Word count is 808. Sorry. Homework tries to make a power grab in everyone's life.

IC:

Jerusalem was alive.

Kellson moved through the streets at speed, muttering hurried apologies as he bumped into Muslims and Christians alike. The Jewish population was low. Not deigning to acknowledge the merchants who shouted out offers, he speed-strode past. Inadvertently, he rammed into a passing Arab. Fez askew, the angry man leapt up and started shouting at him in his native tongue, flailing his arms wildly. Kellson shrugged and started to move on.

“He said many mean things about you,” said an accented voice in a language Kellson understood. “But he says if you give him your sword, he will forget.”

Kellson slowly turned to stare woodenly at the man accompanying the enfezzed man. The servant, assuming it was the man’s servent, was about as tall as he was and had an apologetic and slightly embarrassed attitude.

“Yeah?” Kellson asked. “Tell him that he should go back and herd his camels.”

The servant’s master froze, quivering in outrage.

“He understands you, Armenian,” the servant said, backing away. “He just doesn’t speak your language.”

Armenians must be fairly obvious in a city of Arabs and Europeans. Kellson smirked and began to turn away. The faint, yet distinctive slither of metal halted him.

“Oh, put it away,” Kellson said. “No fights in the bazaar, effendi.”

The man charged him. Kellson shrugged and held out a palm, as if to nonverbally tell the man to halt there.

After the man had landed twenty feet away in a pile of melons and crystallized fruit, Kellson dropped his palm back to his side, letting the energy die away. That always felt so good, and it was always unexpected for the recipient.

“Damn natives.”

He pulled a gaping bystander to the side. “Where was the Ark of the Covenant?”

The man jabbered something in Arabic and pointed in a direction.

“Thanks.”

Kellson looked in the indicated direction. It was a long way, especially with all these civilians in the way…

He began walking towards the ex-resting place of the Ark and dropped into an alley. Releasing his wings, he flew to the rooftops and dropped down. Charging towards the next roof, he leapt into the air, gave one flap for speed, and landed easily, continuing to run effortlessly across the rooftops towards his destination. Screams echoed behind him, and he chuckled, fingering the amulet that gave him unlimited strength. Of course they’d be scared to see a black winged man leaping overhead.

Ah-ha.

Skidding to a halt, he half-jumped, half-slid off the roof onto the sandy ground. What he saw amazed him.

“This is it?”

The former lair of the Ark was a pile of rubble and rocks. Nothing was there but ruins and a despondent air. He wondered if anybody cared it was here. Ever since the Babylonians had run rampant through the streets and destroyed the Temple, did anyone think to rebuild it? Did anyone remember their religion?

Apparently not.

Kellson wandered aimlessly through the jumbled mounds, searching for something, anything, to communicate with the angels again. Nothing. He needed some more skills, damnit. Unless he wanted to get ripped to shreds like he did fighting the demon monkey. Kellson fingered the two scars on his cheeks. Yes, more power was the way to go.

He’d come back tonight, and he’d wait all night if he had to. At least he knew where the ruins of the Temple were, now. Pulling his hood over his head, he left the ruins, walking away. The wind rustled behind him, and he almost thought he could hear whispers.

***

He’s looking for us again.

Yes, and? Don’t talk so loud, it looks like he almost heard you.

Well? Do we let him? We don’t have any new powers for him, yet.

Why do we even give him these powers? He’s still alive and he sins all the time.

You sinned too, lackwit.

Lackwit? What kind of a word is that? Christ…

I’ll talk to him tonight. Go be productive and do something.

***

Kellson returned to the ruins that night, as he had promised himself. A cloudless night, the moon and stars shone bright on the city as he ran through it. He could walk, but why? It wasn’t as though he would grow tired running. Besides, the more exercise he got, the more the amulet took effect, giving his strength slight boosts every passing week.

He stopped abruptly at the start of the rubble mounds and started walking slowly, pacing around and through the broken columns. He hauled himself up one and perched on it, sitting cross legged on the broken stone. His breathing quieted and slowed, and he halted his thoughts, quietly and patiently waiting for something to happen. He wasn’t disappointed.

“Evening,” someone said. The voice grew a body, and in seconds, Kellson was facing the newly materialized body of Jesus Christ.

Alrighty, here we go...

There are a few things that should be in italics, but I see that they are in the post you linked to, so it's no issue.

I spotted a small typo here:

The servant, assuming it was the man’s servent, was about as tall as he was and had an apologetic and slightly embarrassed attitude.

Just a slip of a finger probably, happens to me too.

And now for a nitpick...

He began walking towards the ex-resting place of the Ark and dropped into an alley. Releasing his wings, he flew to the rooftops and dropped down. Charging towards the next roof, he leapt into the air, gave one flap for speed, and landed easily, continuing to run effortlessly across the rooftops towards his destination. Screams echoed behind him, and he chuckled, fingering the amulet that gave him unlimited strength. Of course they’d be scared to see a black winged man leaping overhead.

I'd like you to change the sentence structure of one of the bolded sentences. This paragraph as a whole could flow together better with the edit of one. Also, I'd like you to exchange the word "dropped" for a more descriptive word, just to avoid the use of it in back-to-back sentences (the first bolded one and the one before it.) Sometimes it's difficult to avoid using a word more than once and so closely together, but "dropped" is one with many synonyms you could choose from.

So, for example, instead of...

Releasing his wings, he flew to the rooftops and dropped down.

...you could put something along the lines of...

The man released his wings and soared to the rooftops, swooping down when he had reached them.

Put back into the context of the paragraph, it now reads as...

He began walking towards the ex-resting place of the Ark and dropped into an alley. The man released his wings and soared to the rooftops, swooping down when he had reached them. Charging towards the next roof, he leapt into the air, gave one flap for speed, and landed easily, continuing to run effortlessly across the rooftops towards his destination. Screams echoed behind him, and he chuckled, fingering the amulet that gave him unlimited strength. Of course they’d be scared to see a black winged man leaping overhead.

Now of course, you don't have to use my example. Just think up a change that you think would fit nicely there.

Content-wise, your post was good. I'm interested to see where your story is going. Once you fix those few things I pointed out, I'll give you your next lesson.

Okay, fixed.

Oh, by the way, nice job on your promotion!