[LEA] Mesfido's training

OoC: Ok as I am sure you can tell I have decided to use Mesfido rather than Sabureela now. Ok a word of warning this is a very odd piece of writing but I think it actually flows quite nicely, I can't garentee that all Mesfido's training posts are going to be like this, I think this is more of a once off style. This will make very little to no sense if you haven't read Mesfido's character page (link in sig). Ok here we go.

Introduction

A cruel northerly wind scrapped across the harsh bare rocky terrain. The ruthless blasts of air hammered at the land, this silent land. The empty tree branches creaked and screamed under the strain of battling to stay earthed. A broad river cascaded through the rough barren canyon, thrashing against the earth and filling the air with the sound of rushing water. A single crow flew ominously through the cloudless dry hot sky.

The immense river beat its way out of a vast crevice in a colossal steep rock face. The crevice formed a gigantic cave within the precipice, the size and the darkness of the cave seemed infinite. A bone chilling, hair-raising wind sliced through the entrance seeming much more vicious once inside the daunting dark of the cavern. The sound of the river tearing threateningly against its seemingly weak banks was increased tenfold. It was absolute.

Within this darkness, this horrid darkness sat a shivering figure, a blanket draped around their shaking body. The merciless northern wind pierced the thin covering, reaching the very depths of the man’s thoughts.

“No… no… no…… get out… get out… leave me………………………Our Father… who art in heaven…………”

The wind howled, a horrible howl, an unholy howl.

“OUR FATHER WHO ART IN HEAVEN…………HALLOWED BE THY NAME…THY KINGDOM COME………”

The roaring blustering howls amplified, screaming, cutting out all else. The river went silent, completely silent.

“THY WILL BE DONE…! ON EARTH………………”

The screams of the angry north wind could be felt. It chilled the skin, it pierced the mind, it grasped the heart. Grasping, grasping tighter, tighter, tighter, piercing, piercing, it strangled. It strangled completely.

“AS IT IS IN HEAVEN!”

The howls screamed, the screams roared, the roars howled. The cruel, cruel unmerciful, unforgiving, unrelenting wind whipped lashing, sliced cutting, cutting into the skin, drawing, drawing the blood, the crimson, dark crimson blood.

The howls whispered, the screams whispered, the roars whispered. The air warmed, the river rolled, the hand touched.

The hand touched; the hand of a demon. The demon hand, it touched, it touched the angel.

The angel stirred. His head lifted, his eyes dim and sleepy, sleepy and dim. Her hand held his chin, her fingers lightly pushing, pushing his eyes to hers.

“Give us this day are daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
As we forgive those that trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from evil,
For thine is the kingdom,
The power and the glory,
Forever and ever.”

Celina’s slender pale finger passed across the dim eyed angel’s cheek, those dim eyes followed.

“What art thee, Tueor? Thou art not this. Thou art not weak, thou art not pitiful. Thou art not this. Thou art thee, thou art Tueor.”

The thin crimson lips of the demon angel lent forward, placing a light kiss apon the angel’s willing lips. They lay there silently, briefly, momentarily and then broke away. The dim eyed angel’s eyes shone less dimly but more darkly. His head lifted, it lifted by its own accord. It moved, moved forward, forward to those crimson lips. His hands rose, rose to her hair, rose and pulled, pulled and flung, flung and laughed. The angel rose. His laugh broke, broke the silence, the silence of the cave. It broke the river, the flow of the river. Blood poured, poured from wounds, from the wounds of him and the wounds of her.

Mesfido, or rather Venalis turned towards Celina.

“Why hast thou come here? Why art thou here?”

“Thou art to go. Thou art to go to the Dome.”

OoC:Word count:596.
So what do you think?

The content is pretty good, but it would be so much better if you could learn to utilize commas more effectively. You need to pay careful attention to that, and also to what kind of punctuation to use when joining two completele sentences. As you go through your lessions again, try to work on that. Really think about and read carefully over what you post before you post it. Paste it into MSWord, if you have to, to check for things like that. It should at least catch the comma splices and sentence fragments. You're back in intermediate again, so go ahead with Lesson 1.