[:Drewey:] Jhans's Training

Drewey gave me permission for this thread over PM. I will be using Jhans, and I plan to incorporate Drewey's Hashem Kiyumars on here too.
(I presume that's what she means when she refers to them as teachers)

Okay... (Bic)

Jhans is lost.
He sits in a room of shadows. They look like men, upright and walking, but that's all they do. This room is very large, round and circular. A Tunnel runs through here, with an entrance on either side of the room. The shadows come out of one, and into the other.

Shadows leave the line and walk into Jhans. Each one takes some of his energy... slowly weakening him, slowly killing him. A trap for the shadow's benefit.

He thought he knew this building. He had been here before, as a slave, but the entrance had just... gone.

Jhans knows that doors don't do that.
Jhans is starving. He hadn't had any food for days. As hardy as his kind are, he has eaten no food for an immesurable period (No sunlight).
He had eaten from fish stalls, but the market gate had led into here... and the door had vanished as soon as he entered.

Years before, he had been taken captive and forced to work as in this place. Doors had stayed in one place then. Recently, the seals had all migrated far, far further south than usual. Jhans was on his way to the equator in search of food. All the other arctic beasts were doing the same.

He had been told to enter this dome as he passed it's massive, stone doorway. The one who had told him was tall, elegant, human shape and wearing a black veil. She followed him in.
The market was identical as before. There he had found the seal stall - but the doors were deceitful. Jhans is humored by this thought, an evil door.

He stands up, and carries on his laborious task. It made sense that the door is still here somewhere - he caresses the wall, pushing his claws in, and trying to lever obvious cracks apart.
Jhans knows that it's futile, but what other choice does he have? He's delaying the inevitable. The shadows' tunnels The only way out. Jhans is terrified of the thought of it.

These people are demons of the sinners, he thinks.
Yesterday, he reached the mark where he started his search - but he carries on.
He knows this place must be thriving with evil, moving ghosts and doors that are walls...
Then he senses something.

"Ragh!"

Jhans hears a roar from behind him. He swings round, unsheathing his claws. He glares round, eyes wide.
A shadow bear stares right back at him. It's eyes red stars amongst a disproportionate body. Long, muscular arms drag along the floor. An agape mouth drools. The only shadow bear amongst many shadow humans.

"What is your business with me, bear? "

At these words, it turns and runs. Without any thought, Jhans follows. A bear's instinct ruled him.
Sometimes, your instinct and nerves just responds without any thought. The brain just gets in the way, an unnecessary processor.

Jhans finally had a reason to go down the tunnel. He shouldn't be afraid, because he had a purpose for doing what he was doing. He doesn't even notice the tardiness of natural light. He runs as fast as he can, his legs pounding the bare rock.

Then, he returned to being Jhans. In a state like this, he was Jhans, but only when he thought about it. He thought about the burning hunger, and in that second - he notices the light that his hammer was giving out.
He unfastened the sealskin belt, and pulled the maul out in front of him.
He notices in the glow of the hammer, the many passages leading out in all directions.
He turns, getting up onto his on his hind legs, which way did he come from?
He turns in all directions, but he can only smell the ghost-like shadows.
Damp, fetid. He climbs onto his hind legs, letting the blue light from the rune shine out. It's light cold and comforting.

What a fool am I, he thinks. He straps the hammer to his back and carries on, walking slowly.
The shadow people might still be here, but if they are, he can't see them. It's shadow on shadow.

Time loses its meaning. Blue on black. Hunger, tiredness. He sees wall, wall, door and wall again.
Jhans snaps round. He lunges for the door - it vanished just before his paws touch it. It re-appears to his left.

It's playing with me, He thought. He runs. The door seems to slide along the wall. He runs faster, equal to the door, before bashing through it in a sideways lunge.

He rolls sideways through the doorframe.

He finds himself in a room full of people. Real people, not just shadows. He notices the doors, moving, opening and closing. He walks into the centre of the room, and people shrink from him. Jhans doesn’t know it, but he looks starved and insane.

Inside his mind, nothing makes sense. The doors move. He can smell creatures he has never smelt before. As doors open, searing heat blows onto him. Then, an array of strange smelling plants. Then the brush of the sea. He lost hid bearings, and the hunger took him. He almost fell asleep on his feet.
Then the gentle touch of one of the shadow men brushes against his leg. He jumps backwards, into the crowd. People scream. Jhans is incapable of thinking. He is mad with fear. Why are they here? They must be following him. All rational thought leaves him at this.

The people see a giant, crazed bear swaying in the centre of the room, jumping & recoiling from invisible enemies. People walk towards him, bading him calm, but he just smells them and their habit. He can smell avery continent in one room. He lunges at a tall man with a bow across his shoulder. The man jumps back, knocking into an imp.

"Someone shoot the beast!"

Jhans, dazed and confused, lumbers towards the crowd. A smell of fish overwhelms him, and he lunges, teeth first, towards a stall.

The tall man gets out his bow.

Jhans eats, abolishing his hunger. He roughly demolishes nine herring, but then a searing heat comes from his right. The bowman is holding an arrow to his leg. Jhans recoils. He runs a short way. People are still now. No more doors open. Jhans gets his bearings. He comes back into Jhans again. He sways, no longer hungry - but weak.

He sees a short man with a bare chest. The heat intensifies. He looks mad with incomprehensible rage.


"Can't you see that the bear is ill?" He shouts.

The bowman replies. Jhans doesn't hear what he says. He just feels the heat burning, searing his skin. Far too hot. The world seems to swim. The short man shouts, and the heat intensifies. Jhans can't survive under this heat.
Jhans turns to the humans nearest to him.

"Move!" Jhans shouts. Then the floor swings up, as if on a hinge, to meet him.

(OoC)

There ya go.

What context do I write in here? I normally always write in past, but I wrote in present text, as I feel that it's more suitable for this.

You write whatever feels suitable.

I'm not going to actually give you assignments that I type IC, cause it's easier to do it just through OoC with present tense.

Jhans was lost.
He was in a room of shadows. They looked like men, upright & walking, but that's all they did. The room was very large, round and circular. There was a tunnel entrance on either side of the room. The shadows came out of one, and into the other.
Shadows came and walked into Jhans. Each one took some of his energy... slowly killing him. A trap for the shadow's benefit.
He knew this building. He had been here before, as a slave, but the entrance had just... gone.

I don't know if it's just the program you're typing in, but there should be enters after new paragraphs, like this.

Jhans was lost.

He was in a room of shadows. They looked like men, upright & walking, but that's all they did. The room was very large, round and circular. There was a tunnel entrance on either side of the room. The shadows came out of one, and into the other.

Shadows came and walked into Jhans. Each one took some of his energy... slowly killing him. A trap for the shadow's benefit.

He knew this building. He had been here before, as a slave, but the entrance had just... gone.

More points to make-
-In literature, almost never use the & sign.
-artic is spelled 'arctic'.
-Also, you say it's in present tense. For the first fourth of your peice, its in past. You also stick some past tense in in some other places.

Fix those and we'll see if you can go on.

I changed everything that you instructed me to, and made a few alterations, like the first sentence.
If you don't give me any assignments, do I just wattle on however I see fit?

Wonderful. You're the prefect student for my TA. ^^

And that TA happens to be your adopter. Any objections, speak up now.

I presume that TA means some kind of assistant, but i'd be delighted to have Aiko as my tutor, assistant tutor... thing.
Will I be allowed to continue using Hashen, or should I use Cadanza... or both?

So... how's this going to work?

You may use both.

She's going to fill in for me, and Hashem may show up occasionally, but not quite as much as Cadenza. Cadenza is the teacher in training, and Hashem is the overseer. Kindof like a Principal/Teacher Relationship.

Seen, and understood. Feel free to post your assignment, and welcome .

Hehe, you're kind of being homeschooled now, what with being taught by your adopter and all.

Here's your first assignment from me...

Write an intro for either a Crossroads or a Battle, involving you, my other two students (Mikey B using his character TDC and Duke of Clubs using his character Kellson), and myself using Cadenza Madrigal. For this intro, you decide the conflict, the setting, etc. In other words, this assignment will be fairly open-ended. There are only two requirements:

Firstly, make sure your premise works for all those involved. Don’t make it a quest for the [insert cool name here] sword unless there would be some purpose for each character to want said sword. Perhaps the sword could be very valuable, and then my character Cadenza would want it so that she could sell it. Or maybe the sword is stronger than another character’s current sword, and so they would want it. Just be creative with whatever you do.

Secondly, make it 800 words minimum. Normally I’d like my intros to be a bit longer, but 800 works for this lesson.

If you and the other two students are interested, we can vote on our favorite intro (all three of you will be doing this assignment at some point, hopefully around the same time) and perhaps do a Crossroads or Battle with the intro together.

And to clarify: although this is an intro for a Crossroads or Battle, still post this only in your training thread.

Have fun with this lesson!

Sorry to keep you waiting!

This will be a crossroads, me thinks.
I apologise if i got Cadenza's personae wrong, but there's very little text to base her off...

(IC)

Cadenza views the group before her. Great, she thinks.
I get a kid, an idiot who dresses like he can use a thousand weapons at once and a bear who thinks it's in the middle ages.

The three are avoiding each other's gaze on the ground below her. She sits on a rock, hugging her knees. Nobody has spoken since Hashem left. Everyone seems scared of everyone around them. They sit between small peaks, high up on the mountain side.
It is a cloudless autumn evening - the beautiful sunset wasted on the barren landscape.

Jhans thinks. He contemplates removing his armour - but knows that they aren't going to sleep tonight. The only member of the gathering who had attempted any type of communication in the last half hour is Spiny Norman, who walked round and gave everyone a sniff.
Kellson leans against the door back into the dome, silently contemplating his fellow questors. He is scared of the bear, but terrified of the child. There's just something demonic about it, he thinks.

Cadenza stood up.

"Alright. I asked my good friend Hashem if he could find me a group of fighters to help me in a raid. He says it would be good experience for some of his students, but you guys aren't what I wanted at all. But we all get something out of this, and we all go off happy."

Kellson stood.

"We've lasted so long. I ain't see why Hashem insists on training us. We could survive without your help."

A smile plays on Cadenza's face.
"Most who say that don't.
Actually, you're really not suited for this mission at all. We're going to have to use stealth to get inside, and since there's no bears, hedgehogs or children on this mountain, that only leaves me and intrepid warrior here who can actually get inside without raising suspicion."

"Where are we going?" The child asks, annoyed at being called so.

"The sultan has a palace over that ridge. It's well guarded, for he is a greedy and selfish man. He gets his wealth though dishonorable actions. That's why we'll be stealing from him tonight." Cadenza smiles. The truth is being told, in parts. The sultan has too much money anyway.

"How shall we be paid?"

Cadenza looks over at Jhans. She is surprised by the tone of his voice. She's never spoken to a bear before.

"We are standing on a pærse mine. Pærse's what the crusaders use to strengthen the cutting edge of their swords. Mixed in with the blade, the blade becomes far harder than all kinds of armour. Any pærse we find, we share. If we find none, then we'll take anything of value the we can find, and share that instead.
But we're aiming for the pærse, because it's worth its weight in Kþt."

That got Jhans interested. Even a little Kþt could buy you passage to anywhere on the globe - and get you a lot of favors.

"Why don't you just mine some pærse yourself?"Kellson asks.

"Every ton of ore makes only 1 gram of pærse. It must be very fine or else it doesn't strengthen the metal nearly as well. Next question?"

Everybody is silent. It is night now, with no wood for a fire... not that Cadenza would allow one anyway. They can see the lights of the palace on an adjacent hillside. Jhans gathers they are in Switzerland, the night is so quiet they can hear the guards' individual conversations, though he doesn't understand a word.

The child stands, the whites of his eyes clearly visible.

"When do we begin?"

A note before I begin: I don't mind you using present tense in your lessons, but if/when we do the Crossroads assignment, it would be best for you to use past, since the other two students and I use it. It would flow together better as a whole that way.

Now, talking about tenses I noticed an error with them here...

Cadenza viewed the group before her. Great, she thinks.

Viewed should be changed to views, to be in present tense like everything else.

Now for other mistakes...

Nobody has spoken since Hashen left.

A misspelling here that occurs a few other times. Drewey's character is named Hashem.

A formatting error here...

"Alright. I asked my good friend Hashen if he could find me a group of fighters to help me in a raid. He says it would be good experience for some of his students, but you guys aren't what I wanted at all.
But we all get something out of this, and we all go off happy."

These kinds of errors were scattered throughout it, so go back and skim through to fix them up. It should read like this...

"Alright. I asked my good friend Hashen if he could find me a group of fighters to help me in a raid. He says it would be good experience for some of his students, but you guys aren't what I wanted at all. But we all get something out of this, and we all go off happy."

One last thing that I spotted...

It is night now, with no wood for a fire... Not that Cadenza would allow one anyway.

I interpreted this as one sentence, just with an ellipse in it, and so the "n" in "not" still should not be capitalized.

Content-wise, it was nice. I liked the interactions and thoughts from the characters. I'll PM you all to see if everyone is interested in doing a Crossroads and then take your votes afterwards.

Done - and I've voted too. I await the results!

Oh. I just noticed the edit in the post above. In future, i'll post in past tense in that thread.

Okay, now as I told you in a previous PM, your current assignment is to participate in this thread. Hope you have fun with your fellow students!

*Prods life back into thread*.