[Drewey] TDC's training.

“Come back here!” shouted a young boy. He was chasing a cloaked figure, his white hair waving back and forth in the wind. The cloaked figure was easily able to outrun TDC. The reason the hybrid was chasing this man was because he had stolen the most important things in the world to him. He had stolen Gorin’s spirit orbs, as well as the piece of pink fabric that Kawaii had given him during their first meeting as a momento of sorts.

Now that the cloaked man had stolen those things, TDC wasn’t going to stop chasing him until he got them back. It was moments like this that made the boy wish he had some kind of projectile attack. He had no magic at all though, so he’d have to stick with chasing the man. The two of them were currently running through an incredibly dense forest.

TDC’s shouting and the combined footsteps of the two of them overcame the sounds of far off birds and nearby insects. The ground was moist with recent rain, which must have been a pretty heavy downpour to have gotten through the dense canopy.

“Give those back!” the boy continued to shout. He didn’t even care that he was missing all the view of the forest, so long as he caught this man. None of the pleasant odors of fresh flowers and wet soil reached his nose.

“Keep coming young one. We’re almost there,” mumbled the cloaked figure. The doors to the Dome were getting closer.

It wasn’t long before he saw the oak doors of the warrior’s training center. They seemed completely out of place in the middle of this dense forest, especially since it was placed on a large redwood.

The man grabbed the door’s golden handle and pulled it open, dropping the hybrid’s things as he did so. Not bothering to pick them up again, the figure slipped into the Dome.

TDC’s jaw dropped as he reached the area where the man had dropped the boy’s things. What was a large oak door doing in the middle of a forest? He stood with his mouth agape for a moment, wondering what to do.

Throwing caution to the wind, as he did so many times in the past, the son of Gorin entered through the oak doors. When he saw the inside a tear welled up in his eye.

The shiny marble floor, the doors of various shapes, sizes, and colors, the ceiling made of a glowing material. This was the place where the boy saw Gorin die at the hands of Tokumaru. The memory of Gorin dying was still fresh in his head.

This was the place where he had learned a tiny bit about fighting from the Heavenflame Samurai, then fled with Gorin’s weapons. This place held both good and bad memories for him.

“Wha-what? What am I doing here?” the hybrid asked to himself. He was completely unaware to the fact that it was now his turn to learn in the Dome, and that he would find that a few familiar faces were there as well…

OOC: Sorry for the short entrance post. I've had a lot to deal with lately.

This is just a preferance, but try condensing your paragraphs. At first glance, they look choppy, because they are only one and a half lines (on my comp screen at least)

Like this, for instance.

“Come back here!” shouted a young boy. He was chasing a cloaked figure, his white hair waving back and forth in the wind. The cloaked figure was easily able to outrun TDC.

The reason the hybrid was chasing this man was because he had stolen the most important things in the world to him. He had stolen Gorin’s spirit orbs, as well as the piece of pink fabric that Kawaii had given him during their first meeting as a momento of sorts.

Now that the cloaked man had stolen those things, TDC wasn’t going to stop chasing him until he got them back. It was moments like this that made the boy wish he had some kind of projectile attack.

He had no magic at all though, so he’d have to stick with chasing the man. The two of them were currently running through an incredibly dense forest.

Try condensing that all-it makes sense to me. I also don't think you need 'the reason' part, because when you explain it, we don't need you to tell us that it is the reason. We're smart enough to figure it out on our own. It's like asking 'Why weren't you at school?" "The reason was that I was sick."

I also don't quite understand why those words are in purple, and it bothers me. It keeps drawing my attention away from other things.

Understand? Combine some paragraphs.

Oh, I guess there's a difference in screen size then. On my screen they are two lines and three lines long. I'll make them larger though.

As for the purple part, I honestly don't quite know myself why I did that.

If I didn't make it clear, condense the paragraphs for your entrance. Then I will give you your first assignment.

Okay, I condensed them. They seemed large enough on my screen...

"Hey, kid!"

Nenet shook TDC roughly, struggling to wake him up. "Kid!"

Rubbing his eyes, TDC focused back in. "What...where...am I?" He lurched upwards, eyes darting frantically around the room, straining to find a sense of positive farmiliarity. It was all new. He sat wide-eyed, staring at the cedar floors and milky white walls. A small window was in the top left corner of the room, barely letting in any light.

"Kid, it's me..."

"Nenet!?"

He jumped up, hugging her in a great big bear hug. "Where have you been all these years?"

Nenet shook her head, butting her cold finger to his even colder lips. "No time for talking now, little one. I'm so glad to have found you again--this was unexpected. However, you have been drawn here, as it is time for you to become strong. This particular place isn't safe for you though--run out of here, as fast as you can, coming to a large building with many dorms. I'll be there."

She was gone in the blink of an eye.

OOC: Sorry it took such a long time for me to post. I'm even more sorry that I can't come up with a good excuse...

BIC: TDC spun around, observing the room he was in. The young child was perplexed as to how Nenet had disappeared without a trace. He hadn’t seen her in months, but it felt like years to the poor child.

Gorin’s son contemplated breaking through the window for a moment. Those thoughts were dispelled when he remembered Miniya’s instructions to run. Being that it was a strange place, he had no clue if there would be any punishments for not exactly running.

TDC double-checked his whereabouts before running. The cedar floor had a lair of dust on it, along with traces of dirt between the floorboards. The white walls were the complete opposite however, seeming to have been freshly made.

A poorly made chandelier hung from the ceiling, its multiple candles devoid of flame. A maple door sat on the wall opposite of the window. Its hinges covered in brownish-red rust, the door looked as though it would fall if anybody tried to open it.

“Run to where?” the boy questioned out loud. Of course, he didn’t hear Nenet answering the question. Instead, his voice was met with an animalistic call. The beast’s roar sounded like a hazy mix of several different animals rolled into one.

Almost as soon as the roar died down it was met with another. That one was met with yet a third one, the cycle repeating until TDC had heard twelve roars. He didn’t stick around to hear the thirteenth, or the fifteenth to twentieth for that matter.

The boy knocked the old door open and sped off away from the strange building. He stopped and looked at his surroundings in terror. Rather than the forest where he had been previously, TDC was standing in a white void.

TDC was reminded of the fact that he had entered Gorin’s death place, then blacked out. How he ended up in that house in the middle of a white void was beyond him. For a moment he completely forgot about the animal roars he had heard earlier.

“Where am I?” the boy asked. He was beginning to get frantic. Nothing could be seen in the void save for several objects on the horizon. The objects seemed to be incredibly large in comparison to the boy, and they were getting bigger.

“Where am I supposed to go?” he hollered. The poor child was beginning to break out in tears now. He didn’t want to die in the middle of nowhere, slaughtered by creatures that were likely to have been bred in the pits of Hell itself.

“Run!” said a voice. TDC didn’t know where it came from, and he didn’t care. The sound of the voice made him realize that he could still run, even if there didn’t seem to be anywhere to go. The boy sped off in the direction opposite of the figures.

The hybrid changed Gorin’s spirit orbs into twin serrated swords as he ran. He was glad that he still had the weapons with him, even if they wouldn’t help him much if he were surrounded by whatever those things were.

TDC’s differently colored eyes surveyed the landscape as he fled. White, white, and more white. There wasn’t even a sun in the sky, something that made no sense considering the fact that it was light as day inside the massive void. Hearing the roars picking up behind him the boy ran even faster.

“Huh?” A new figure had appeared on the horizon. TDC first thought that it was a door, something he was ecstatic to see. Unfortunately for him, the new figure was quickly followed by many more. It was at that moment that he realized, to his horror, that another group of those creatures had cut him off.

TDC gave up all hope of escape. The group behind him was less than a mile away, and the group in front of him was even closer. Even when he looked to the left and right he saw that groups of creatures were coming from those directions.

He was surrounded by raging hellspawn, and there was no way out. Tears were beginning to stream from his eyes as he saw his death closing in on him. The details of the creature’s appearances were clear to his vision now.

Each one looked like a massive white ape. The apes had six-inch claws extending from their six digit hands, and had fangs that pierced through their lips. The beasts red eyes were dripping a yellow pus-like substance.

The exact reason for the pus substance TDC didn’t know and quite frankly, didn’t care. All he cared about was getting out of this Hell. His tears blurred his vision. Despite the fact that he was part demonic god, he was still a child and children were susceptible to fear.

A sudden noise echoed throughout the void as a brown object dropped down next to TDC. The noise, a shrill whistle, drove off the beastial creatures. The hybrid turned to face the brown object, half expecting it to be some kind of terrible creature.

Instead he found a large oak door. Not hesitating for a moment the child ripped open the door and went inside. The sudden change in atmosphere caused the child to gasp with a mix of surprise and relief.

He was back in the mysterious place of Gorin’s death. The many doors of various kinds of wood were spaced out across the walls on either side of the youth. He looked down, seeing his reflection on the polished marble floor below him.

“Nenet?” TDC asked. Despite the fact that she was nowhere in sight, TDC could somehow tell that she was in one of the nearby rooms. He cautiously opened the one nearest to him, being careful to make sure that he wasn’t going back into the white void.

Mikey B, I see you fit to be the perfect student for my TA, who is practically my bestest friend. You should be honored. ^^

Any objections, speak up within 3 days.

No objections here. ^_^

Okay then, I suppose this means it's time for your first lesson from me!

This assignment will be a little different, but I think you’ll enjoy it…

Write an intro for either a Crossroads or a Battle, involving you, my other two students (Awkin using his character Jhans Frenn and Duke of Clubs using his character Kellson), and myself using Cadenza Madrigal. For this intro, you decide the conflict, the setting, etc. In other words, this assignment will be fairly open-ended. There are only two requirements:

Firstly, make sure your premise works for all those involved. Don’t make it a quest for the [insert cool name here] sword unless there would be some purpose for each character to want said sword. Perhaps the sword could be very valuable, and then my character Cadenza would want it so that she could sell it. Or maybe the sword is stronger than another character’s current sword, and so they would want it. Just be creative with whatever you do.

Secondly, make it 800 words minimum. Normally I’d like my intros to be a bit longer, but 800 works for this lesson.

If you and the other two students are interested, we can vote on our favorite intro (all three of you will be doing this assignment at some point, Awkin should get it soon, and Duke only has one to do before this) and perhaps do a Crossroads or Battle with the intro together. I understand that you have done many battles prior to this, but for the interactive part between all of my students to work out, I need all of you to do this. Plus, having extensive feedback on an intro never hurts.

And to clarify: although this is an intro for a Crossroads or Battle, still post this only in your training thread.

Have fun with this lesson!

TDC stumbled through the nearest door, hopeful that he would find Nenet or Tokumaru on the other end. Instead he found an immense library, filled with books of various sizes and colors. A feeble old woman stood behind a counter in the far corner, shushing people when they spoke too loudly.

The hybrid wiped the back of his hand across his eyes, effectively clearing the tears that had been blurring his vision. It wasn’t where he had intended to go, but at least it was better than that Hell that he had been in moments earlier. The boy made his way to a random shelf and pulled off a book.

“Who am I kidding,” he thought to himself. “How do I even know I’ll be able to read this book? I can barely read at all.”

“You know,” a voice whispered in TDC’s ear. “The books are psychic, they spell words in ways that only your mind can understand. Anybody who reads these books can read them even if he is unable to read any other language.”

Gorin’s son spun around to find that the feeble looking old woman was right behind him. How she had gotten from one end of the library to the other, and responded to his thoughts, was a mystery. TDC quickly thanked the old woman and made his way to a table nearby.

He laid the book on it and took a seat. Surprisingly, the seat was incredibly comfortable. TDC could fall asleep in it if he wanted. The boy opened the book to a random page and found that somehow, the words were going directly from the book to his mind. Quietly, he read on…

Weapons of wealth and legend, chapter 228.

In the deepest reaches of the Altari mountain range lies a grand treasure, guarded by fierce creatures. Many have gone after the treasure and failed, although the treasure alone is enough to make people continue to search for it.

The treasure consists of several mystic items, as well as many gold coins scattered about. The items are as follows:

The Amulet of Choros: An amulet that bestows upon its wearer unlimited energy so long as they wear it, destroying the need for sleep or rest.

The Ring of Odin: A ring that alone is worth only a few gold pieces, but generates eight copies of itself every week. The copies can be sold together for about 100 gold pieces, while the original continues to create copies every week.

The Elixir of Magog: An elixir that when drunk allows the drinker to unleash a hidden quality in their blood.

Golden Elixir: A golden liquid that causes whatever it is poured upon to turn into gold.

These treasures are guarded by incredible beasts including harpies, furies, and even a wrath demon. The treasure itself however, should be worth it to anybody who makes it…

TDC stopped reading when he heard a noise behind him. Thinking it was the librarian again, he spun around. This time, a mysterious woman was standing there instead.

“Are you TDC?” she asked. The hybrid couldn’t help but wonder why she was there. After a moment of merely staring at her, the boy answered with a quiet yes.

“Well, I’m your new teacher. My name’s Cadenza Madrigal, nice to meet you.”

She noticed the book TDC was reading and smiled.

“You know, this would be a good field trip of sorts for you, me, and two other students of mine. Wait here,” she said. In an instant she was gone, probably to get the other “students”.


OOC: Just to clarify something. If this one is the one that we do, TDC gets dibs on the Elixer of Magog.

Just two things to point out here grammar/spelling-wise...

In the deepest reaches of the Altari mountain range lies a grand treasure, guarded by fierce creatures.

I believe "lies" should be changed to "lays." Of course, if you can prove me wrong, leave it the way it is.

The other one is just a typo...

“Well, I’m your new teacher. My name’s Cadenza Madrigol, nice to meet you.”

Her last name is Madrigal, not Madrigol.

Now... you did a pretty good job with Cadenza, she would be one to show up unexpectedly like you had her do. I liked the way the books functioned, and the items weren't a bad idea. I could see how my character would want some of them.

A few nitpicky stylistic things now...

In the deepest reaches of the Altari mountain range lies a grand treasure, guarded by fierce creatures. Many have gone after the treasure and failed, although the treasure alone is enough to make people continue to search for it.

The treasure consists of several grand items, as well as many gold coins scattered about.

Here you use the word "grand" to describe the same thing twice, and the sentences are fairly close together. Root around a thesaurus, perhaps by going onto Dictionary.com and choosing the thesaurus, to find a different word. Using a variety of words helps create a better picture in the reader's mind. Using grand twice makes it seem as if the reader asked, "So they're grand but... are they grand?"

The Amulet of Choros: An amulet that bestows its wearer unlimited energy so long as they wear it, destroying the need for sleep or rest.

Usually when using the verb "bestow," an "upon" is put after it. Reads a bit more smoothly.

The Ring of Odin: A ring that alone is worth only a few gold pieces, but creates eight copies of itself every week. The copies can be sold together for about 100 gold pieces, while the original continues to create copies every week.

The word "generates" sounds better to me in that sentence than "creates."

These treasures are guarded by fierce beasts including harpies, furies, and even a wrath demon. The treasure itself however, should be worth it to anybody who makes it…

Same as with "grand." Vary word choice; you already described the creatures as fierce earlier.

Fix up those things and then I'll give you your next assignment soon.

I changed everything you told me to except for lies to lays. The reason I didn't change it is the fact that this would sound a little strange: "In the deepest reaches of the Altari mountain range lays a grand treasure, guarded by fierce creatures."

To me, it makes it sound a little bit like the person is talking about a brand of potatoe chips. Lies sounds better than lays in this instance. I'll change it if you still want me to change it though.

Point taken, while "lays" is slightly more grammatically correct, it does sound a little odd. I suppose you can leave it as is.

I'll try to think up a new lesson for you soon if what I told you about in the PM I sent doesn't work out.

I've got a new assignment all thought up for you, Mikey, if you want a lesson to work on while we wait for Awkin to do his intro. Reply here if you want it.

Sorry, I'm a little low on CJ's at the moment. I'm stretched thin trying to think of something good for "Prometheus Zion", and I've got a few other battles that I'm trying to think of something for.

That's fine, it was just an optional lesson incase you wanted one to do while we waited.

As I'm sure you're already aware of, your next assignment will be to post in the Crossroads thread. Whenever that is finished, your training will resume here.