[Puck] Lily's Training

OoC: 'kay, why is there no Puck prefix? Oh well, anyway, let's get this over with.

BiC: Must keep training... the young mage known as Lily thought to herself as she practiced striking tall trees with her Arcwind spell. The large, sharp gust of wind penetrated each wooden trunk it touched. More trees were revealed ahead, creating a slab of woods in Lily's path. If not for the gusts always causing a breeze to blow right into Lily's face, she would more than likely be sweating by this time. Exhaustion slowly plagued her like mold covering bread.

"Ha...ha..." she panted, bringing her spell casting to a stop. "Maybe I should rest..." As Lily had spoken to herself, the words of an old ally sparked the appearance in her mind. Although we must keep battling in order to be strong, one should never push oneself too hard, Lily, the ally had told her. She had decided long ago to believe these words and once Lily had reminded herself of them once again, she chose to rest.

"I can't keep up like this..." Lily finally said to herself. "It's just like Sir Ike said. I mustn't constantly wear myself out. Still...Zarek, the next time we meet, I promise I will not be the same Lily you knew during the Shadow War."

For the longest time, Lily felt sorry for the behavior she exhibited in front of Zarek during the Shadow War. It was a long series of battles that took place in the continent of her birth. The embarrassment she caused him led the other members of the army to tease him carelessly. Ever since the battles ended, Lily held the regret inside her heart and would not let it go until she was forgiven. Still, it was Zarek who had given her the strength and courage to continuously fight against the enemy despite her usual dislike to fight.

This, Lily had made her sole mission. She desired to grow better and stronger for Zarek, her one true love, and him alone. Somehow, although he had never said so, Zarek seemed to love her back, and this sparked the young mage's determination only more. Ever since they had separated Lily dreamed of the day she would reunite with her Zarek and hear him say he loved her. Once she had regained some of her energy, Lily began walking through the woods in search of another good location to resume training later.

The woods gradually grew thicker as Lily traveled through, forcing her to resort to fire magic in order to burn a path for her to travel. A few simple Elfire spells sufficed, and she carried on. However, as Lily traveled, something other than trees and other foliage caught her eye. It was a tall double door built into a large stone wall straight ahead. What appeared to be a sign was hanging above it. Lily approached the double door with slight caution.

"Now what would a place like this be doing in the middle of some woods?" she wondered, and began turning her attention to the sign above. "Ah well, perhaps there's someone in there who knows about thunder magic. I was going to practice those spells next anyway." Lily then began to read the medium-sized words inscribed on the sign.

"The...Dome?"

Originally Posted by Crystal

OoC: 'kay, why is there no Puck prefix? Oh well, anyway, let's get this over with.

Purpose, we plan a puck prefix post-haste.

You should know alliteration gets you double points.

More trees were revealed ahead, creating a slab of woods in Lily's path.

About this. The way this is worded it makes it sound as the trees just "popped' out of no where. The trees were revealed, but not "created" such a word implies they were not there beforehand and honestly very confusing. Just because you understand what you are saying doesn't mean the reader (Or other Rper) knows. Please remember that.

However, if not for the gusts always causing a breeze to blow right into Lily's face, she would more than likely be sweating by this time.

However, is a term used to show a contrast between the sentence preceding it and the one after. such as "My life is good. However, I stubbed my toe this morning" see? Using "however" lets the reader know the second sentence is supposed to contrast the preceding thus making it less confusing. This was not done. See the following.

The large, sharp gust of wind penetrated each wooden trunk it touched. More trees were revealed ahead, creating a slab of woods in Lily's path. However, if not for the gusts always causing a breeze to blow right into Lily's face, she would more than likely be sweating by this time.

Why is however being used here? What are you contrasting? Would the sentence not make perfect sense without it? Please remove "however" or change the preceding sentence as it is plain wrong.

Not to mention Gusts of wind do not stop someone from sweating...Biology is your friend.

"Ha...ha..." she panted

I know she's panting. Why are you telling me again? Please don't use Said Bookisms. Just say "said" unless you have a really good reason.

As Lily had spoken to herself, the words of an old ally sparked an appearance in her mind.

sparked an appearance?

No. Just no. "An" is an indefinite article, which means: an article, as English a, an, that denotes class membership of the noun it modifies without particularizing it. [source dictionary.com].

So by using "an" instead of "the" you are saying it was not a definite appearance, or ally, but could have been one of many allies. Since it is not definite you are saying the appearance is either unknown, or changing. Since the appearance is of a particular person, it should be "the" as it refers to one particular ally. Change it.

She had decided a long ago to believe these words and once Lily had reminded herself of them once again, she chose to rest.

fixed.

a war known as the Shadow War,

Another indefinite article use. Since it is a particular war it should be "the" as it is a definite article. Also why not just saw "the shadow war" instead of "the war known as the shadow war" i mean the reader already knows it's a war 9thus the name "war") so why tell us again. It's very distracting.

, a long war that took place in the continent of her birth.

comma splice. Adding a comma and latching an incomplete clause does not a proper sentence make. Make it two sentences or fix your conjunction as right now it is just wrong.

Ever since the battles ended, Lily held the regret inside her heart and would not let it go until she was forgiven.

No comma.

She desired to grow better and stronger for Zarek, her one true love, and him alone.

This sentence is very confusing. I had to read it three times before I knew what you where talking about.

Ever since they had separated, Lily dreamed of the day she would reunite with her Zarek and hear him say he loved her.

Lily needs a Day Job. lol.

Lily, once she had regained some of her energy, began walking through the woods in search of another good location to resume training later

Why not "Once lily regained some of her energy she began walking through the woods in search of another good location to resume training later." ?

It uses much less punctuation, and thus flows much nicer. Your version seemed fancy for no reason other then to use commas.

The woods gradually grew thicker as Lily traveled through, forcing her to resort to fire magic in order to burn a path for her to travel.

Wait. Wut?

A few simple Elfire spells sufficed, and she carried on.

She burns a forest down and walks through the ashes? That makes no sense, why didn't she use wind spells to forge a path instead of torching it to the ground. Is Lily completely insane she'd make a huge forest fire just to make something slightly easier? O_o




Okay my General critique of your style. You seem to use many short choppy sentences when you could make them much longer. Furthermore, when you do use punctuation you use it in such a way it distracts from the prose and takes the reader away from what they are reading. You seem to have little idea of flow, and take each sentence by itself ignoring the one before and after. Please think about the reader and how they will read the whole paragraph, not just the one sentence.

Also you often word things in ways that must make sense to you (For Example: her burning down a forest) but when a reader is going through makes no sense and is completely strange. You have to remember you are not just writing for yourself but for the reader, who in this case is the other RPer. You have to think of what the other RPer will think reading it, because if they misunderstand they may make a mistake with what you meant and that can cause a lot of trouble in an rp.

Please fix those mistakes and we'll go on from here. Savvy?

I thought I was in here to learn to RP, not to write. :/

You are here to listen. If you don't write so people can understand you, then you can't RP.

Eh, I suppose, but I don't know how to fix most of what you said. I don't understand. :/

Please explain what you don't understand.

Everything, really. Except the obvious parts, such as deleting a comma or word.

Everything is very vague. If you don't understand, quote it and write a paragraph on why you don't understand it. I'm not re-writing a whole post, tell me what you need exactly or you get nothing.

Okay then.

Originally Posted by Puck

About this. The way this is worded it makes it sound as the trees just "popped' out of no where. The trees were revealed, but not "created" such a word implies they were not there beforehand and honestly very confusing. Just because you understand what you are saying doesn't mean the reader (Or other Rper) knows. Please remember that.

I meant to say that the numerous trees there created a slab of woods.

Originally Posted by Puck

However, is a term used to show a contrast between the sentence preceding it and the one after. such as "My life is good. However, I stubbed my toe this morning" see? Using "however" lets the reader know the second sentence is supposed to contrast the preceding thus making it less confusing. This was not done. See the following.

I understand this, but I don't know how to fix it.

Originally Posted by Puck

Why is however being used here? What are you contrasting? Would the sentence not make perfect sense without it? Please remove "however" or change the preceding sentence as it is plain wrong.

Alright then.

Originally Posted by Puck

Not to mention Gusts of wind do not stop someone from sweating...Biology is your friend.

Several gusts of wind cooling her off won't keep her from sweating? I don't see the logic in this.

Originally Posted by Puck

I know she's panting. Why are you telling me again? Please don't use Said Bookisms. Just say "said" unless you have a really good reason.

Why? Said bookisms are often better than the boring and generic said. A lot of the time people use said here, I don't understand if the character is supposed to be scared, angry, happy, sad, whatever.

Originally Posted by Puck

sparked an appearance?

No. Just no. "An" is an indefinite article, which means: an article, as English a, an, that denotes class membership of the noun it modifies without particularizing it. [source dictionary.com].

So by using "an" instead of "the" you are saying it was not a definite appearance, or ally, but could have been one of many allies. Since it is not definite you are saying the appearance is either unknown, or changing. Since the appearance is of a particular person, it should be "the" as it refers to one particular ally. Change it.

I don't understand this, nor how to change the sentence.

Originally Posted by Puck

Another indefinite article use. Since it is a particular war it should be "the" as it is a definite article. Also why not just saw "the shadow war" instead of "the war known as the shadow war" i mean the reader already knows it's a war 9thus the name "war") so why tell us again. It's very distracting.

Alright then.

Originally Posted by Puck

comma splice. Adding a comma and latching an incomplete clause does not a proper sentence make. Make it two sentences or fix your conjunction as right now it is just wrong.

See above.

Originally Posted by Puck

Lily needs a Day Job. lol.

...

Originally Posted by Puck

Why not "Once lily regained some of her energy she began walking through the woods in search of another good location to resume training later." ?

It uses much less punctuation, and thus flows much nicer. Your version seemed fancy for no reason other then to use commas.

Good point.

Originally Posted by Puck

She burns a forest down and walks through the ashes? That makes no sense, why didn't she use wind spells to forge a path instead of torching it to the ground. Is Lily completely insane she'd make a huge forest fire just to make something slightly easier? O_o

Do you honestly think she's dumb enough to let her fire spread like that? She can control her spells, thus the fire only burned where she wanted it to.

Originally Posted by Crystal

I meant to say that the numerous trees there created a slab of woods.

I understand this, but I don't know how to fix it.

By removing the word "However". The word "However" adds nothing, and removing it changes nothing.

Several gusts of wind cooling her off won't keep her from sweating? I don't see the logic in this.

I am not going to argue biology with with you. Trust me, you will sweat. Try running on a windy day and tell me you don't sweat...trust me. She will sweat. This is not a debate, this is science.

Why? Said bookisms are often better than the boring and generic said. A lot of the time people use said here, I don't understand if the character is supposed to be scared, angry, happy, sad, whatever.

Good writers make their feelings known by the Dialogue. It's not that hard. Said Bookisms are universally looked down on every except for high school teachers. They Distract away from the main point of the dialog and that is what the person is saying. Said bookisms are ugly, ask almost anyone and they will agree. Here, allow me to quote what I wrote about this to stryder in his thread:

A bookism is where you needless replace the word "said" with another word such as "Asked", "Growled", or something of that Sort. For example:

We know it's a question, and we know it is Tsuukai speaking as their are only two speakers in the scene and Balth just finished. So but putting "Tsuukai Asked" you are both distracting from the conversation by bringing up unneeded characterizations, AND making the reader think you think they are stupid by repeating the obvious.

In the above cause you could just use quotes like this.

We still know it's a question, and we still know it's Tsuukai speaking, and now we aren't distracting from the point of this prose and that is the conversation.

Now for the following example:

Why put "began" seeing as it's the start of the sentence we are aware he began. Now I am guessing you put that in to show a break in his thought, thus a pause in conversation, but in that case "said" would work better. Using words other then said is often unnecessary as said almost always complete the job, AND it is used so often it readers will hardly notice it thus giving more attention to the conversation while at the same time keeping the pause for emphasis.

For my final example we have this:

From this sentence it is clear you are trying to show Tsuukai's disapproval of Balth's actions. However the sentence alone is sarcastic enough it is clear that Tsuukai disapproved, having him "grunt" it is distracting while reading and is entirely unneeded. Never ell the reader something that's not important. The important part here is that Tsuukai disapproves, not that he grunted. Though grunting can show disapproval his comments more then complete the task.

Those are only a few examples of Said Bookisms in your text, there are a few more. While you can use them, use them sparingly as the intended purpose -I.E showing emotion- can be conveyed more convincingly through the dialog itself, and that tends to look better.

That explains my feelings quite well. Using them makes you look like an amateur writer.

I don't understand this, nor how to change the sentence.

I told you. Change the word "an" to the word "the" in fact I say it several times. I'll explain the reason in laymens terms.

A/n: is used on someone non-specific. For example: Here is a cake. By saying that it shows that the cake is not important, it's not "the" cake and has no real importance. Any other cake would do other then this cake because it is just "a" cake.
The: I have the cake. It is a particular cake that is important, maybe it's a cake with a key in it, maybe it is a surprise birthday cake. but for whatever reason it is important, and specific to this cake.

Make sense?

...

IT'S A JOKE! You are going to have to have a sense of humor if you expect to survive.

Do you honestly think she's dumb enough to let her fire spread like that? She can control her spells, thus the fire only burned where she wanted it to.

Despite the fact controlling fire indefinitely is completely insane and far to powerful when you think about I will let it slide. Their is no indication she has complete control over fire and whatever it touches. You should explain, cause I had no idea she had such an all consuming pwoer.

Fire is still an over kill though.


*Deep breath*

Better?

Originally Posted by Puck

Good writers make their feelings known by the Dialogue. It's not that hard. Said Bookisms are universally looked down on every except for high school teachers. They Distract away from the main point of the dialog and that is what the person is saying. Said bookisms are ugly, ask almost anyone and they will agree. Here, allow me to quote what I wrote about this to stryder in his thread

I still have to disagree with you. Said is boring, generic, and shows no emotion. Said bookisms do. Dialogue won't always show emotion either. For example, if I had Lily say "Huh?" that could either mean she's confused or simply didn't hear what the other character said to her. By just using said, I can't tell which one I'm referring to. If I say Lily wondered and raised one eyebrow, that's showing she's confused. If I say she asked and moved closer to the person, that shows she didn't hear what that character said.

Now, I could also have her say something like "I can't hear you" or "Repeat that again? It's confusing" but that's not showing. You should always show, not tell.

I told you. Change the word "an" to the word "the" in fact I say it several times. I'll explain the reason in laymens terms.

A/n: is used on someone non-specific. For example: Here is a cake. By saying that it shows that the cake is not important, it's not "the" cake and has no real importance. Any other cake would do other then this cake because it is just "a" cake.
The: I have the cake. It is a particular cake that is important, maybe it's a cake with a key in it, maybe it is a surprise birthday cake. but for whatever reason it is important, and specific to this cake.

Make sense?

Yeah.

IT'S A JOKE! You are going to have to have a sense of humor if you expect to survive.

It's hard for me to tell when someone is joking over the internet. xP

Despite the fact controlling fire indefinitely is completely insane and far to powerful when you think about I will let it slide. Their is no indication she has complete control over fire and whatever it touches. You should explain, cause I had no idea she had such an all consuming pwoer.

Fire is still an over kill though.


*Deep breath*

Better?

How is being able to control a few flames extremely powerful? :/

*Sigh* You can disagree all you want, but you are disagree with nearly every writer ever. You can sue them, but you are going to look like an amateur.

Says you. You are not every writer here, so you cannot speak for them.

Anyway, I believe I've made changes to everything you said.

That's why I used the word "nearly". You're next assignment will be edited in tomorrow. Please DO NOT argue with me like this for every argument or you're not going to get my recommendation. Also don't reply to this post until after I have your assignment edited in.


Edit: Sorry for the wait, let us continue. Shall we? You will have a very special teacher by the name of Aos Si (Second Character down).

Bic:

The door burst open rather loudly. Though it was hard to see what caused such an action at first, the answer was soon revealed as it landed on Lily's Nose. Standing at very small, with bright pink hair and rainbow wings , the creature smile a smile so wide it seemed misplaced on his petite head. "Hi hi!" The creature spoke, barely audible due to his small stature, "Aos Si is the name, how should I greet you?"

"Uh...Lily," Obviously confused the girl just barely managed to get the words out.

"Pretty name..." Aos said stopping suddenly to stare into space.

"Where am I-"

"I need your help, " he said obstinately, "You can help right," Jumping off Lily's nose he fluttered right in front of Lily's left eye, "Right? I lost something precious to me. I can't find it anywhere. You can help right, Please~"

ASSIGNMENT TIME
Oh my assignment time. Aos Si seems to have misplaced his pan flute, what ever will he do? He is far to small to find it by himself, and he can't use his human form without it. Luckily Lily is there to help him, right?

As Lily merely stood there, wondering if she should go through the doors in front of her, the tall entrance burst open with a sudden and loud bang. Out flew a tiny fairy no more than a few inches in height. Its pink hair was almost as long as its body while its hands held a sewing needle and a blue button like a sword and shield. The fairy gently landed itself on Lily's nose, resulting in the young mage's now highly confused look.

"Hi hi!" the fairy spoke with a smile that appeared too large for its face. "Aos Si is the name, how should I greet you?"

"Uh...Lily," Lily replied, barely able to get the words out of her mouth due to confusion.

"Pretty name..." Aos complimented as he, apparently a male fairy, began to stare into space for a minute.

"Where am I--" Lily started, but had her words cut off.

"I need your help," Aos interrupted obstinately and fluttered right in front of Lily's left eye. "You can help right? Right? I lost something precious to me. I can't find it anywhere. You can help right, please?"

"I...well, sure. What is this precious item you lost?" Lily asked. "What does it look like?"