[Puck] Balthazar's Training

OoC: You can find the bio for Balt in my sig; I know it's pretty short and sweet but he was my first character so cut me some slack!

BiC:

He stood in the Gardens of the Dome. It was his favourite area of the massive structure simply for the quiet, natural feeling it exuded constantly. For three days he had been here, and for three days he'd marvelled at the Dome itself. A massive structure, it seemed to bend to the will, the very consciousness, of the individual. His Angelic nature gave him the ability to sense it's reality warp and bend. He wondered how a true Angel would have reacted to the Dome. It wasn't just a building, a structure, an area. It was a world in itself, an entire dimension.

He remembered how he found it, and wondered once again if it was chance or something more complex which had brought him here. At first he had thought chance; now he wasn't so sure.

He has been doing the same thing as he had for the last ten thousand years; travelling, from world to world, using the gift of his Angelic stock to move between the walls of the realities themselves. In some, he was welcomed as a friend, in many his aid was needed and taken with gratitude. In most, he was just another outcast, searching for some quest or another.

He had walked through the last world for four days while waiting to regain the power to travel. Dark and desolate death lay everywhere. Something had pushed through that world and taken all the life with it. Villages lay in ruins. Burnt forests still smoldered, smoking gently. The ground itself was hard and cracked and dead. His Angelic senses had detected not one sign of life. It was a ghost world.

Even as battle-tested as Balthazar was, the place had made him uneasy. He wanted to leave, he had to move on. In truth, he was a little fearful of whatever power had done such a thing. No, four days was long enough for Balthazar's powers to return, and long enough for him to know that no aid he could offer would help that world. He left the barren villages and woodlands behind and headed to the East, until he found a small hillock, the grass as dead and dry as everywhere else.

He stood at the top of the mound, and exerted his senses as he had so may times before. He closed his eyes and focussed his will, until his mind rose through the murk of the physical world. He opened his eyes, and saw the gates. Of course, he didn't physically see them; he could only sense them. It was almost like a transparent overlay of his eyesight, allowing him to see the gateways with his mind, the doors and weaknesses of reality where the worlds brushed up against one another.

The process, as always, was somehow enlightening, almost blissful. The effect was only spoilt by the everpresent thought that this was how the Angels, the true Angels, saw the world all the time. As a half-breed, Balthazar could only hold the mindset for a limited amount of time, and it was yet another sign of how he different he was. How alone.

He shook the thought out of mind and focussed on the doors. He pulled them closer, sifting through the worlds he could see. An ocean, a forest, a city with strange, moving metal boxes. So much to choose from. And then he felt it; a pulse amongst the worlds he could see...a hint of something different to these mundane realities.

He frowned; he had felt it, elusive and strange, and it intrigued him. Each world had a feeling, a sense, and he had never felt anything like that before. He concentrated and pushed through the gateways again. Sifting and searching, he barely gave the worlds a second glance, hunting for that feeling again. There! It brushed against his consciousness for just a moment, and disappeared.

He cursed, and pushed forward again. He could feel it now, just barely, but it eluded his search, staying just beyond his reach. It was so frustrating, taunting. He grunted at the strain on his senses. Biting his lip, he closed his eyes and pushed, concentrating, and strained with all his senses-

Suddenly he had it. Barely, as if may slip away again at any moment, but it was there, and he realized at last why it was so difficult to find. The world was huge. It sat behind all the others like a background, like the base that all the others lay against. The other worlds were tiny and insignificant in comparison.

Fascinated, Balthazar peered through the door. What he saw there confused him. It was huge, that much was clear; but there was a feeling that the reality itself was constantly twisting and changing. He wondered at this world, marvelling at it's very nature.

He realized it was slipping from his grasp, and made his decision. Focussing again, he draw on his powers and channelled them into the doorway. Bringing it closer, weakening the fabric between them, the image refocussed into a grassland in the midst of night. The gate became thin enough to allow access, and Balthazar stepped through the distorted image.

As always, the process was instantaneous, and he stepped onto the wet grass beyond. As the gateway behind him collapsed, Balthazar lowered his senses and as his mind drifted back into the physical realm once more, he took in the smells and sounds around him. The sweet scent of dew wafted against him, and the soft light of the moon washed the meadow in a mellow glow.

Balthazar inhaled deeply, basking in the tranquil feeling around him, and froze as he realized he was not alone. Startled, he grabbed at the hilt of his broadsword, but did not draw the blade. Staring at the figure in front of him, he waited.

The figure, unmoving, simply smiled, and spoke calmly. "Welcome to the Dome."

favourite

Thank god. Someone who speaks the queens english. I'm tired of reading all these Americans bastardize the language.

He had thought chance, at first; now he wasn't so sure.

No real need for a comma here.

He'd been doing the same thing as he had for the last ten thousand years;

"He had been" is the un-contracted form here...this implies he is no longer traveling. It should be "he has" which means he still is, while also doing so in the past. Also the contraction "he'd" is ugly in and of itself.

In some, he was welcomed as a friend, in some his aid was needed and taken with gratitude.

No need for repetition here as many other phrases other then "in some" would work just as well. Such as the phrase "and in others".

He had walked through the last world for four days, waiting to regain the power to travel.

A comma does not a complete sentence make. Please, fix this run on sentence.

Dark and desolate, death lay everywhere.

No comma needed, but bonus points for awesome adjective alliteration.

Villages destroyed, forests burnt.

Cursed.

Not sentences...Srsly...they aren't.

Even as battle tested as Balthazar was

Unless he is both "battle" and "Tested" then their should be a hyphen here.

He wanted to leave, he had to move on.

Two sentences CANNOT be separated with a comma to make one complete sentence. Period, or a conjoining word/phrase here.

He left the barren villages and woodlands behind and headed to the East,* until he found a small hillock,** the grass as dead and dry as everywhere else.

*Not needed.
**Should be semi-colon methinks.

spoilt

Spoiled?

Mentally,* he shook the thought out of mind** and focussed on the doors.

move this * to here**

Each world had a feeling, a sense to it, and he had never felt anything like that before.

Comma should be after the word Sense. You see the phrase 'a sense" is used in this case as a clarification of the original idea "A Feeling". Since it doesn't have a feeling (As that would be impossible, as worlds generally aren't sentient) it has a feeling "to it"."A sense" is just used for clarification of what you meant by "Feeling", thus while it does have a sense to it, it only does in the border idea of feeling in which you where clarifying. Makes sense, right? I'll shutup now.

He could feel it now, just barely, but it eluded his senses, staying just beyond his reach.

How does he feel without his senses? Try not to contradict yourself

And then he had it.

I'm just going to pretend I didn't see this.

What he saw there confused him. It was huge, that much was clear; but there was a feeling that the reality itself twisted and changed, ever moving and never still.

Adding an incomplete sentence at the end of a complete one does not work...not even with a comma. That is what we call a comma splice.

He wondered at this world, marvelled at it's very nature.

Another comma splice. Fix with the word "and". Don't be afraid of "and"..."And" is your friend.

The gate became thin enough to allow access, and Balthazar stepped through the distorted image.

Wide enough would make more sense.



Fairly good prose, much better then most. However you, like so many, have a tendency to shotgun commas into your work. Try to think about why you are putting punctuation where you do, before you do. Savvy? Fix the above and reply. Please bold the changes. Thankies.

Done. I followed all your advice, but in certain areas I simply swapped words out and changed the structure of the sentences to make it work better. (Is that alright? I was still using your instructions to fix it but not to the letter in every case. If it doesn't work then I can change it.)

Oh, also, I left this bit -

Originally Posted by Puck

Wide enough would make more sense.

- as it was, because the 'thin enough' idea was that the walls of reality (which is what the gateways are, breaches in the walls of the worlds themselves) were 'thin enough to cross', not the image or physical appearance of the gateway. Is that ok?

Originally Posted by Stryder Aedernis

Done. I followed all your advice, but in certain areas I simply swapped words out and changed the structure of the sentences to make it work better. (Is that alright? I was still using your instructions to fix it but not to the letter in every case. If it doesn't work then I can change it.)

As long as you don't make it worse :<

Of course you can. There are thousands of ways to write the same sentence, so when I offer a suggestion I am pointing out an error and give a suggestion on how to fix it...Actually i prefer you to change it in your own way, as long as it's fixed. I am by no means the be all and end all here.

- as it was, because the 'thin enough' idea was that the walls of reality (which is what the gateways are, breaches in the walls of the worlds themselves) were 'thin enough to cross', not the image or physical appearance of the gateway. Is that ok?

Ahhh, you should have explained that better. I was thinking a gate, now that I understand it makes plenty-o-sense.

Tsuukai will be your exalted leader. I will link him later once I finish his new profile :X.

BiC:

Tsuukai Ita had heard rumors; Rumors that turned quickly into theories, and the Theories that where soon turned to facts. The dome was welcoming a Student of angelic descent. Of course the Shadow, who took his order directly from Gabriel himself, could not pass up the opportunity to meet the latest student to enter the hallowed dome.

The Shadow was waiting by the front gates as the, slightly confused looking, half-angel sauntered through. "Welcome to the Dome," The Shadow Master said Shortly, "Please follow me," Turning his back to the angelic figure he moved forward: knowing full well that Balth was going to follow.

"Balthazar, is it not?" Tsuukai said, ignoring any reply, "Tell me, do you know where you are?"

ASSIGNMENT TIME
Okay first assignment so I wont make it too hard. That would be mean. Just a simple conversation between Balth and Tsuui, so have Tsuukai ask Balthy a series of questions pertaining to Balthazars life, history, and acceptance into the dome. You can make the questions yourself just remember Tsuukai is curt and to the point when he speaks. The goal here is to see how you use other people's characters, and how fluently you can make them interact.

1000 word maximum, no minimum. If you start a sentence with a conjunction I will slaughter your family.

OoC: Yes sir boss sir. Here it is, short and sweet, but the best I could do at 4am. xD

BiC:

"Tell me," said the man in black, "do you know where you are?"

Balthazar looked glanced at his surroundings, hesitating for a moment. "The Dome?"

Tsuukai looked at him in annoyance. "Smart answers do not a smart man make. My name is Tsuukai Ita and I will be your instructor. Tell me how you found the Dome."

Balthazar stepped in line and walked by Tsuukai's side. "I'm an Angel. We have the power to travel between worlds."

Tsuukai's eyes roamed the scenery ahead as he spoke. "But you're a half-breed."

Balthazar frowned slightly. "Yes."

Tsuukai strode on. "You're ashamed," he said. It was a statement, not a question.

"I suppose," he began, "but-"

"But?" Tsuukai looked at him for the first time. "Are you a half-breed or are you not?"

Balthazar bristled slightly. "Yes."

Tsuukai grunted and continued walking. "Then accept it. Can you fight? You look as though you can fight."

Balthazar glanced at the man, noting the weapon on his waist. "Yes, I can fight," he replied.

"Good," Tsuukai said. "A man should only carry a sword if he is prepared to use it. Tell me about your homeworld."

Balthazar blinked at the sudden change of conversation. "Xion...it's a world inhabited almost exclusively by Angels, of various castes."

"Castes?" Tsuukai barked.

"Yes...breeds, races, whatever you would term it."

Tsuukai glanced at the Angel. "What caste are you?"

Balthazar met his gaze. "A Seraphim. They-" he began, but again Tsuukai interrupted him.

"But a half-breed. Tell me of your parents."

Balthazar frowned. He was becoming frustrated with the constant topic changes and the probing. "My father was a Seraphim. My mother was Human. I never knew her." If Tsuukai thought anything of that, he didn't show it.

"Tell me more about this Xion."

Balthazar's thoughts wandered back to his homeworld. "I lived in the Citadel, an enormous city and fortress, with my father."

Tsuukai strode on. "But you left."

Balthazar nodded. "Yes."

"Why?" Tsuukai asked.

Balthazar narrowed his eyes and looked at the man but Tsuukai took no notice if he saw it. "I...I felt like an outcast. Different."

Tsuukai stopped walking and stared at him. "But you are diffferent." Balthazar looked at him. "You're a half-breed. Why does that shame you?" Balthazar said nothing. "You are what you are. Nothing more, nothing less." He turned and walked on. "Tell me what you do when you travel between these worlds," he said.

Balthazar frowned and hurried to keep up with the smaller man. "I help."

"With what?" Tsuukai asked.

"Anything. I do whatever is needed, whatever I can to help."

Tsuukai grunted. "You pull kittens out of trees."

Balthazar gave him a look. He opened his mouth and started, "I fight evil, that-" but Tsuukai interrupted him yet again.

"Good and evil are subjective."

Balthazar looked at him and shook his head. "No. They are not."

Tsuukai stopped walking and looked at him. "Right and wrong do not exist," he said.

But Balthazar shook his head again. "You're wrong."

"Why?" said Tsuukai.

"Because good and evil are everywhere. It is our actions that define us," Balthazar said stiffly. "'Help those who cannot help themselves; speak for those as have no voices'. That is what is good. That is what is right and just."

Tsuukai simply looked him in the eye for a moment, and then grunted again before turning and walking away. "Come," he called over his shoulder. Balthazar watched him walk away in confusion before hurrying after the retreating figure.

You overuse Said Bookisms. Don't.

A bookism is where you needless replace the word "said" with another word such as "Asked", "Growled", or something of that Sort. For example:

"Why?" Tsuukai asked.

We know it's a question, and we know it is Tsuukai speaking as their are only two speakers in the scene and Balth just finished. So but putting "Tsuukai Asked" you are both distracting from the conversation by bringing up unneeded characterizations, AND making the reader think you think they are stupid by repeating the obvious.

In the above cause you could just use quotes like this.

"Why?"

We still know it's a question, and we still know it's Tsuukai speaking, and now we aren't distracting from the point of this prose and that is the conversation.

Now for the following example:

"I suppose," he began, "but-"

Why put "began" seeing as it's the start of the sentence we are aware he began. Now I am guessing you put that in to show a break in his thought, thus a pause in conversation, but in that case "said" would work better. Using words other then said is often unnecessary as said almost always complete the job, AND it is used so often it readers will hardly notice it thus giving more attention to the conversation while at the same time keeping the pause for emphasis.

For my final example we have this:

Tsuukai grunted. "You pull kittens out of trees."

From this sentence it is clear you are trying to show Tsuukai's disapproval of Balth's actions. However the sentence alone is sarcastic enough it is clear that Tsuukai disapproved, having him "grunt" it is distracting while reading and is entirely unneeded. Never ell the reader something that's not important. The important part here is that Tsuukai disapproves, not that he grunted. Though grunting can show disapproval his comments more then complete the task.

Those are only a few examples of Said Bookisms in your text, there are a few more. While you can use them, use them sparingly as the intended purpose -I.E showing emotion- can be conveyed more convincingly through the dialog itself, and that tends to look better.

You don't have to go and edit out all your said bookisms I just want you to be aware of them when writing in the future. Wooo, that was more long winded then I intended.

Other then that nothing to complain about, mostly talking anyway. Okay, here weeeeeeeee go.

Bic:

"Why?" Tsuukai said, continuing down the hallway.

"Why what?"

"Why is what you said good. What makes Helping people good?" Tsuukai said.

"Well because people appreciate it, "

"How do you know when you speak for people without voices? Do you ever think that the people would have a voice if you weren't drowning them out." The shadow continued down the hall making note of the numbered doors so he didn't get lost. It says something about the dome if even it's employees can get lost inside it.

"But...That-"

"Or take this for example: Stealing is wrong, right?"

"Well yes."

"What if someone needs to steal in order to feed their family?"

"Well in that case it's acceptable, I mean-"

"You just said it was evil."

"Well depending on the circumstances-"

"So you agree Good and Evil are subjective"

"I didn't-"

"Say that? Actually you did. To the thief it is a good thing to steal because by doing that they can live, as can their family. To the Merchant even if the thief is hungry he is still taking away his rightful goods without permission which is evil to the baker, even though it is good to the thief. If every thief needs food does that mean all the merchants are evil? No because they are honest business men, so then all the Thieves are evil? Of course not because they are only trying to feed their hungry families. Either one is always Evil and the other always good, they are both good and evil, or good and evil does not exist. Since you said clearly Good and Evil both exist, and you have said by your words sometimes it is okay to steal then you must admit they are both good and evil depending on the point of view. Subjective, as it where"

"That's not what I meant"

"What did you mean?" Tsuukai said, stopping to open a door to a large chamber. Inside where many dozens of students practicing their craft against one and other.






ASSIGNMENT TIME
Have Balth try to worm his way out of Tsuukai's cleverly set trap. Before Tsuukai can respond have them get interrupted by screams of pain. Running to the scene Balth see's one Student atop the other about to kill him, have Balth react in the best way possible to this situation.




P.S: I hope I captured Balth's sense of good and evil. I tried to have him say as little as possible as is recommended in an RP. Also about your interpretation of Tsuukai, it was fairly good on his sense of justice, but you made him more angry then usual (barked is not something Tsuukai normally does) but overall good job on your first try. You get a B.

OoC: Ha, I tried to base him off what I read in Tsuukai's profile. I guess I went past gruff and into angry too much, but oh well. As for Balt's sense of morality, you got it pretty spot on.

Ok, assignment time! =3 Not too short, I hope. D=

BiC:

"That's not what I meant!" Balthazar protested.

"What did you mean?" Tsuukai opened the door to the room they had stopped at.

"I-- good and evil and right and wrong are two very different matters! It's not just the action, it's the intent behind it. A man can steal to feed his family, or he can steal to make himself rich. That is the difference."

Tsuukai opened his mouth to respond, but a sudden shriek interrupted him. The two started, turning to find the source of the noise. In the chamber beyond the students all faced the centre of the room, expressions of shock and fear on their faces. A student lay on the floor, with another sitting on his chest with his hands wrapped around the other's throat, the prone figured choking and clawing at his attacker.

Balthazar jumped forwards, rushing at the struggling pair. Bursting through the shocked onlookers he leapt forward and grabbed the shoulders of the attacker. Heaving forward, he bodily threw the man from his victim. The man hit a support beam and crashed through it. Splinters and shards of wood flew everywhere, and dust showered down from the ceiling.

Balthazar turned to the figure on the floor. The young man gasped and panted, sucking in huge breaths of air. He crouched and offered a few quiet words of comfort, his hand on the man's shoulder. Looking up as he spoke, his eyes met those of Tsuukai Ita. The man stood several feet away, watching him with a blank face.

Very good. Short and sweet. A little known fact about RPing is that the shorter the posts are the faster people post. When every post is a novel it takes longer for people to post and things rarely get done. You get a A+ on this assignment. Sorry for the wait: i just got Modern Warfare to and I lost track of time xD Just slap me if i neglect you again, kay?

Bic:

"I cannot agree with you," Tsuukai said, motioning with his left hand for a medic, 'However I find it commendable you stick to your principles."

"Thank y-"

"Don't. One of these days you'll see this world in a different light. You can't always be the caped crusader saving the day, and eventually you'll have to make a choice that will neither be good nor evil. I am afraid with your will it may break you." Tssukai said, then turned and whispered something to a Dome medic. The faceless doctor grabbed the injured student and hurried him away. "We must be going now, I am afraid we are late,"

"Late for what,"

"You," Tsuukai said turning slightly towards Balth, "and I are supposed to be having tea right now with an important guest. Please do not keep him waiting anymore, he is very busy,"

"tea?"

ASSIGNMENT TIME
Okay now I am going to give you a little bit of control over Tsuukai. It is another short assignment as the one after next is going to be long. The two are to walk to room number 146-B5, they can discuss a variety of topics about the dome, Tsuukai, or good and evil again. I want to see your ability to control someone else's character in a relaxed environment. You did very well before under the strict guidelines, now i'm giving you a blank page to do with what you will. It might help to keep Tsuukai's profile open for this. Enjoy ^_^

Balthazar frowned, confusion etched onto his face. "Tea?"

"Yes, tea." Tsuukai said, walking towards the door and turning down the corridor. "You drink tea, yes?"

"Well, yes, I suppose, but--"

"Good. Now we must hurry. We are already late."

Balthazar strode to meet the smaller man's pace. "Who are we going to meet with?"

"Be patient." They continued down the stretching corridor, taking a left at its end. "Tell me more about your homeworld."

Balthazar glanced at his companion. "Xion? Well, what would you like to know?"

"Anything you deem worthy of sharing."

Balthazar's brow creased as he remembered his distant home. "I haven't returned for a long time. Many hundreds of years have passed..."

"Do you not miss it?"

"Sometimes, but not a lot. My father is my only family there, though. I have no other reason to return."

"What is it like there?" He led Balthazar down a new corridor, turning at a junction.

"Beautiful," Balthazar murmured, and his gaze darkened. "And lonely, for one such as I."

Tsuukai threw him a look. "You speak as though you are an outcast."

"Perhaps I am."

"Are you exiled from the lands?" Tsuukai asked, as they turned left at a corner.

"No. You wouldn't understand."

"Perhaps it is you who does not understand."

Balthazar frowned, and said nothing. Instead, he changed the topic. "How did the Dome come to be?"

Tsuukai shrugged. "No-one knows of its origins. It was discovered ages ago, and has been used as a training grounds ever since."

"It's quite a...unique structure, isn't it?"

Tsuukai shrugged again, as they rounded another turn. "Yes, I suppose. Why do you ask?"

Balthazar looked at him, and said, "Because that's the fourth left we've taken, without ascending or descending, and without crossing our previous path."

Tsuukai smiled wryly. "You are observant, aren't you." It was a statement, rather than a question. "The truth is that no-one knows how the Dome works. Its structure changes to the will of the indivual, to suit their needs. However, no more questions. We have arrived."

They stopped outside a door marked 146-B5, and Tsuukai reached for the handle.

"You're late," A voice greeted the pair as they entered, "That is very unlike you Tsuukai,"

"Yes, we were held up," Tsuukai turned towards the speaker. He was kneeling in front of a low table. Following suite Tsuukai beckoned for his guest to do so as well before speaking, "How is the tea, Kaze,"

"Not the best, my assistant is an amateur, but with time he will get better," Kaze brushed a strand of blond hair out of his eye.

"Rats aren't suppose to make tea." The master of shadows took a sip.

"Squeak,"

"Fenrir thinks he's an exception," Kaze said tilting his head towards the white rat on his shoulder. "Is this the Angel you where speaking of? He is magnificent."

"Yes. Though it appears he is not from heaven proper at all,"

"Really? I was unaware they lived anywhere but. Still though, impressive. it is no wonder angels are so well regarded. Even a half angel and he's enormous. makes you look small in comparison,"

"Yes, I suppose he does," Tsuukai took another sip, if balth was asking questions both Tsuukai and Kaze ignored him completely. "Enough chit-chat. I do not to waste anymore time doing this,"

"Of course, Tsuui." Kaze laughed lightly before turning to the large Angelic Figure, "You. I am currently looking for information on a set of books called 'The Books of Enoch", any information you have on them would be appreciated. In exchange I will answers any questions you have."


OoC:

Puck's Mythology Lesson: According to Kaze's storyline the Books of Enoch are a series of books written by Metatron the second in Command of the heavens. They are said to contain every bit of worldly information, and history. Kaze is looking for a particular volume of the book that cover a type of magic known as Reality Scripts.

Anyway. No assignment this time. I just want you to go from here as you think it should progress, because, as you know, in RPs you don't always have someone directing everything. Kaze's profile should be right under Tsuukai's in my thread. (Or it will be soon). That is all.