How the OoT Script COULD have gone! (MASSIVE HUMOR)
 

Hey, this is my first time writing a fan fiction here (Yes, i know, i did the Sprite Comics, but this is diffrent)

NOTE: People will have strange obsessions here.

Well....Shall we start?

Okay, the gist of chapter one is: Navi is a graduate from a school and her teacher is Prof. Ant. On the race to get to Link's house, she knocks her self out for at least an hour and then she has a dream of what Hyrule is like if she failed to find Link. Then she finds him.

Chappy One: Navi's Great Journey

Deku Tree: In the vast deep forest of Hyrule....Okay, why vast? I mean....oh never mind...Long have i served as the Guardian Spirit, I'm known as the Deku Tree...The Kokiris live here with me. Each of them has his or her own Guardian Fairy...Although, there is one boy who does not have one.....

(Scene shows Link's house. He's busy writing a book)

Deku Tree: o_O; Uh...Link? What are you doing?

Link: Huh? Oh, Hi, you just spotted me writing a book!

Deku Tree: And what book is that?

Link: The Legend of Mouse: The Velveeta Cheese Army! A story about a mouse that has to help a Velveeta Cheese Army defeat the wrath that is....Cheecrush! Short for Cheese Crush! I'm on chapter 3 right now. Where the mouse, named Alex, falls in love with a girl mouse named Alley.

Deku Tree: Right....Uh....Moving along....AH CRAP!!! I JUST BEEN CURSED!!!! AAAAAAAAAAA!!!! (5 hours later) ....This could present a problem.....(Scene shows the Deku Tree) Navi.....Navi....Where are you

(Up in the Deku Tree's branches and leaves, Navi takes her diploma)

Navi: Wow! Thanks Proffessor Ant!

Prof. Ant: You are most welcomed. Now, Navi, go out into the world.....Take pride and courage! Go forth with dignity and...

Navi: Uh....Sir? This is not Ant Military here.

Prof. Ant: Oh....Yes....Quite right. Forgive me, Mrs. Navi. My years in Ant Military has its problems here as you can see. Anyway, go and make Hyrule a better place. Go forth!

Navi: YES!

Deku Tree: NAVI!

Prof. Ant: That is the Deku Tree calling you. Good luck, Navi!

(Navi flies away from Prof. Ant who stands there, trying to hold his emotions in. Navi hears mysterious wailing coming from her school as she flies through the branches and finally to the tree's face)

Deku Tree: Navi...Hear my words! The climate of evil is descending upon this realm, Even now, baddies are mustering to attack this land of Hyrule...Navi....This can only mean one thing.....Now it is time for the Boy without a Fairy to begin his quest for justice and truth....

Navi: Okay, got it.

Deku Tree: Wait! Before you go, Prof. Ant wants you to have this...

Navi: what?

Deku Tree: Here. (Give her a picture)

(It's a picture of Prof. Ant as a young Soldier Ant in the Ant Military School)

Navi: .........Thank you....I'll always remember you....(Pockets it)

Deku Tree: How are you able to do that?

Navi: How is Link able to carry all of his items?

Deku Tree: Never mind. Go! Hurry!

(Navi quickly flies very fast until she meets up face to face with Mido's eye)

Mido: What are you doing?

Navi: Never mind that.

(Mido's fairy faces her)

Navi: Grr.....(Suddenly, she does a Matrix move and dodges the other fairy's attack and whaps it into Mido's face)

Mido: Aaaack! (Falls into lake)

Navi: Sorry. (Flies really, really fast and crashes into a fence and gets knocked out)

Navi: Uuuugh.....(Passes out)

(DREAM)

Navi: Link! Link! Where are you?

(Link is gone, Ganondorf rules the world. Everyone is his slaves)

Navi: Prof. Ant! Prof. Ant! (Flies to an area where she spots Prof. Ant and his army lying there on the ground dying)

Prof. Ant: (coughs) N-navi...why....? Why did you knock yourself unconscience for.....*hack* seven yee-e-e-e-ars.....???!!!! (dies)

Navi: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

(Real world)

Navi: (Jerks self back) Ack! (Flies into Link's house) Link! Link! I'm Navi and The Great Deku Tree just said that i'll be your guardian for now on and that you need to come!

Link: Wait...(Writes) "Alex screamed in rage as his best friend's body falls.."

Navi: Now is not the time. Lets GO!

Link: Okay. (Closes book and accidently puts pencil inside his cup of Kokiri Water and then runs out to follow her)

(Outside)

Saria: Hi, Link!

(Link jumps down)

Saria: Aaah! Watch it!

(Link looks at her and sees that she has a boot print on her hair)

Link: Oops! I'll fix it up.

(3 hours later)

Link: Ta-daaaa!!!

(Saria looks at her reflection and screams bloody murder)

Saria: YOU SHAVED MY HAIR OFF!!!!! YOU SHAVED ALL OF MY HAIR OFF!!! YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO USE AN ELETRIC RAZOR!!!!

(Saria is bald except for a little patch of green that is the surviving part of her hair. It's located at the back of her head)

Link: Uh...Sorry....

Navi: Uh...I think you need to run...

(Link runs to the direction where Mido is. Saria is charging after him)
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Okay, I know you think the deal with Professor Ant is pointless, but look, somewhere in the story, Prof. Ant will play a huge part...He won't exactly be an ant in that period...

ahahahHAHAHAHAHhaHAHAHAHHAhahAHAHahAHHAhahaHAHAAHa hAHhahAAHAhAhahAHahaHahAhAHAHAhHAhaahahahHAHAHAHAH haHAHAHAHHAhahAHAHahAHHAhahaHAHAAHahAHhahAAHAhAhah AHahaHahAhAHAHAhHAhaahahahHAHAHAHAHhaHAHAHAHHAhahA HAHahAHHAhahaHAHAAHahAHhahAAHAhAhahAHahaHahAhAHAHA hHAhaahahahHAHAHAHAHhaHAHAHAHHAhahAHAHahAHHAhahaHA HAAHahAHhahAAHAhAhahAHahaHahAhAHAHAhHAha!!!!11!!!! !

Dude I loved it, every bit of it. I can't wait to see what you do with it. Keep goin dude.

Hahaha! That's pretty funny.

Wow, good thing I have a short attention span or I might've wasted 10 minutes reading all of that. And as for the story... where to start, where to start? Hmm... first of all, not one bit of it is funny, or atleast what I read of it. I sorta skimmed through the rest and found it humorless and full of grammatical mistakes. Sorry but your script fails the internet.

It wasn't THAT bad. I thought it was funny.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/10...7446245206.jpg

What can I say? It's not funny. The grammar is actually decent (excluding the all caps parts with several exclaimation marks), but the content is... uh. Is this supposed to be "random" humor?

^ *sigh* Look, just get out of here if you do not like it. No one is forcing you to read this. Don't crash it just because you do not like it.

Time for a new chappy to get things going.

Chappy 2: The Great Deku Tree: part 1: About "The Fly"

(Link is running like heck to Mido)

Link: Mido! Saria's gone mad because i shaved all of her hair off!

Mido: o_O;

Saria: I'll get you for this! (Starts attacking Mido)

Mido: Ack! Navi! You must get Link out of here! He's all that matters!

Morpheus from the Matrix: (Appears) Don't you rip one of my lines to...(Notices Saria's perdictiment) Lets see....LtZ did not intend for this...(Grabs script and edits it. Saria's hair appears back on her head again) Perfect. (Vanishes)

Saria: Huh? How did this happen?

Navi: Plot device, Saria, Plot device.

Mido: Well, we'd better see what the Great Deku Tree wants...

(On the way, Mido is humming a tune)

Saria: >_>; Mido? Are you humming that Dragon Ball Z tune again?

Mido: Yeah...

Saria: Stop.

Mido: No.

Saria: ._.'

Mido: I believe....That i am a Sayian dropped down here from another planet....

Saria: Mido, for the last time, you are NOT a sayian! I've said this for the 2,452th time!

Mido: And you know this how?

Saria: I have a number chart.

(They reach the Deku Tree)

Deku Tree: Greetings Link...Saria....and Mido....I believe you three have felt it...The climate of evil descending this realm...thus, giving nightmare to those sensitive to it...

Mido: o_O; Get to the point.

Deku Tree: Okay. I'm cursed. I need you three to break the curse.

Mido: You Link can do it with no sword and shield?

Link: Uh....(Looks at his back to find that he has a sword and shield)

Deku Tree: Are you three ready to undertake this task?

Link: We are!

(The Deku Tree opens his mouth)

(The threesome enters the tree)

Saria: Gosh...He's hollow...

Mido: This is not good...

Navi: Okay, attention people! I, Captian Obvious Navi will state something. (Flies to door) Open with A! (Flies to water) Dive using A! (Flies to a block) Push using A! (Flies back, but sees that Link and co are climbing the ladder)

(Saria looks at the webbing below and then to the door)

Saria: You think we can jump from this hight and break the webbing?

Mido: No...THIS can work!

(Camera then pans in front of Mido and he moves his arms)

Mido: Ka....Me....

Saria: :ironic: Oh no...

Mido: Ha...Me...

Saria: I'm so afraid....Aaaaah! :ironic:

Mido: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Mido screams this as he cups his hands and puts them together and aims it at the webbing)

Link: I'm going through this door, okay?

Saria: Okay.

(Link leaves the two and enters the door)

(A Deku Scrub is watching Shaka-Zulu)

(Movie)
Shaka: Tell me....Fabana....How do you trap a monkey...

Fabana: Well....

(Real life)

Deku Scrub: (Looks at Link) Hello, Link. This is a great part IMHO.

Link: Can i get through?

Deku Scrub: Sure. But beware that some of my brothers are not as polite as i am.

Link: Got that. (He enters the next door and gets the slingshot and walks back to where the Deku Scrub is)

Deku Scrub: Movie over. Me board, can i join you?

Link: Sure. What's your name?

Deku Scrub: Deksru.

Link: "Deksru"?

Deksru: Yes. Lets go.

(They go outside where they see Mido screaming)

Mido: KAMEHAMEHA! GALIC GUN ATTAAAACK! DISTRUCTO DISK! SPIRIT BOMB....

Saria: (Is nearing to the point where she's about to beat the crap out of Mido)

Link: That's Mido, the screaming one. He is OBSESSED with Dragon Ball Z.

Deksru: What are you obsessed with?

Link: The Fly! The one that came out in 1986....You know, with Jeff Goldbum.

Saria: That movie was scary you know. Seth Brundle's body parts falling off...*shivers*

(Mido is panting)

Mido: How....How can this be...!?

Link: Well, if you took Goku and got into one of Seth Brundle's teleporting pods....then i think you'll turn into a Sayian...

Saria: Link! Don't say that! You know i hate it when you make little jokes like that!

Link: What? Why?

Saria: First off, It was a scary movie and second off, when Seth Brundle...

Link: Saria! What do you want to do? Spoil the movie for those who did not see it yet?

Saria: Well...

Deksru: Uh....Lets get going.

(They proceed to the second floor and jump off the cliff, crash through the webbing and land in the water)

Mido: Hey, Link...What is The Fly about?

Saria: Oh for the love of Din, NO MIDO!

Link: Okay, basically, Seth Brundle, a scientist, creates a teleporter that can teleport things. After he fixes a few bugs, he decides to teleport himself...but something went wrong...something went horribly wrong...a fly got into the transporter with Seth as he teleported...a horror movie with a love tragdey deal thingy in there.

Mido: Oooh...Where can i get it?

Link: At the local Kokiri Video Store. I checked it out, but i'll give it to you for free.

Mido: Thanks, Link! I'll add it to my DBZ collection...

Saria: Enough...(Looks at a Deku Baba) ... O_O O_O O_O

(FLASHBACK)

(Saria is watching The Fly with Link in his room. It is dark and raining outside)

(Seth is explaining to the lady what had happened to him)

Saria: O_O

(Later)

Seth: Insects are very...brutal...They have no compassion....no compromise... (This is an excerpt of what he says in the movie)(He looks horrible himself)

Saria: Eeeewewewe.....(she is moaning and whining. She is scared beyond belief)

(Later on, Seth turns into his final form)

(Lighting strike)

Saria: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!

(Later, Saria is in her own bed, having nightmares)

(Back to Present)

Saria: Dud....Dud....Dug...Dud....Dud....Dug......Duh....

Mido: Saira? It's just a Deku Baba...

Link: I think The Fly had...

Saria: (Snaps) OF COURSE THE FLY CHANGED ME YOU BAKA!

Deku Baba: "Baka"?

Link: It means "idiot".

Saria: Because of that movie, I've been deathly afraid of flies, of Deku Babas...

Deku Baba: Hey! I take offense in that!

Saria: ....The reason why i am afraid of the Deku Baba is because it reminds me of The Fly and....Where's the Deku Scrub?

(They look and see that the Deku Scrub had vanished)

Saria: Well...I don't think they suit very well when it comes to water...

(a fly flies around)

Saria: DO NOT SWALLOW THE FLY!

Fly: What? I'm just a simple fly trying to make my life in the universe! Can't I get a rest from being the baddiest ugliest thing in the entire world?!

Saria: ...

Fly: Please?

(Deku Baba eats the fly)

Saria: O_O

(Link gets to Saria and puts his hands on her shoulder)

Link: Settle down, Saria. Settle down...People have swallowed flies before....the guy who played Seth Brundle is somewhere else, having a good life and all of his body parts are back on. Now, lets get out of the water.

(He takes Saria to the peice of land with a torch and a chest)

Mido: And she doesn't get upset when Sayians turn into Oozurus...

Saria: What are you talking about?

Mido: Well, you see, when a Sayian has a tail and looks at the full moon, it turns into a raging overgrown Godzilla-like ape called an Oozuru....

Saria: I'm sorry. I overreacted.

Link: It's okay. Now, lets get a rest.

Mido: I got the map...

Navi: Actually, i gave it to him.

Mido: Oh yeah...

Saria: We'll look at it now.

Mido: When will we continue?

Saria: In the next chappy.

Wait... do the characters actually say their facial emotions?

I'm not going to argue with you over an opinion of a fanfic's humor, but I think only wanting positive replies is a pretty self-decieving way to go through life. Yes, no one's forcing me to come here, but no one's forcing you to read my replies, either. You do have an ignore function, right? ;)

Anyway, I gave my opinion and made my point, Too-da-loo.

To Gecko, They don't say their facial expressions, they just...well..express it. For example:

Saria: o_O; (You can imagine Saria with a disturbed look on her face)

Kedsy: Right. I have an ignore function as well. Sorry. Well, that good that we didn't start a fight. That would have been horrible.

I'll be honest with you... that was complete sacrasm.

^Oh, i guess everyone hates my story, right? Fine.

Listen, the point of this story is to show what OoT could have went if it had been screwed up.

I think that's why i don't like the ZU. It's just to ridgid and, perhaps, not funny. If that is the case, then i am sorry that i did not read the rules.

I'll shut this down now. (Reaches for plug)

At least give me a reason to keep going with this story. ANYTHING DAMN IT! It's supposed to be a HUMOR STORY you moron!

Link the Zora, you really should put Kedsy, Gecko and Mess on ignore. Their view of humor is quite distinct and anything that isn't fun in their eyes gets trolled, or flamed. If you base your whole view of ZU off of them, then naturally you'll find this place an unwelcoming place.

Just keep writing your fiction, it's clear that some members appriciate what you do.

^Okay, sorry. You see, i think i have the gift if making loads of writing stories and if somone said "u suck!!!!11111", then i get ticked off to no end.

Sorry about that. *knocks self on wall*

I shall continue the story.

Edit 1: I just put those people on my ignore list.

Edit 2: The dealy with Prof. Ant seemed sort of weak, I'll think up of something else besides that.

Edit 3: Oh, and how was the chappy about Link being obsessed to The Fly?

That was...interesting. Unexpected, funny in places, and downright terrible in others, but interesting all the same. I hope you keep going with this.

Seen as I know nothing whatsoever about "the Fly" (except what you've said already), I ain't got a clue. I think you had Saria overreact a little too much, though.

I really wish moderators would not fabricate false claims against members of their forum. It makes ZU a very unwelcoming place and appears quite unprofessional. I already made him, very politely, aware of the ignore function. Why must you needlessly slander three users at once and then state what was already said and acknowledged? Had I been a user you never heard of, your act of hypocrisy would have never occured. I don't think the users of this forum need to be pampered whenever they recieve feedback they didn't want to hear, especially with an ignore function at hand.

As for his story, what can I say? I gave my feedback in a way I would consider far less than harsh and perfectly rule abiding. I believe a good forum allows for two ways of criticism. Yes: it isn't funny. I don't mean to insult you, Link the Zora, but it's not. Many others agree with me. It's written pretty good, but the content's missing something, especially for a story labled as "massive humor." Randomness in humor can only get you so far, so I suggest you look into other ways of expressing your creativity when it comes to making others laugh. :P

You are a good writer and nobody ever said you should shut up and take it home. I urge you to keep writing and find new ways for inspiration, because that's the only way you get better.

If Lioness wishes to further combat the fact that I'm partaking in perfectly legal activities on the forum, she can do so through PM, as to not clutter your thread any more than it already is.

Edit: I never said "u suuuuuckkkkk!!!!!!!!111111". I never even implied you sucked. Please don't suggest things that never happened.

Eh, it's pretty good. I got a chuckle here and there but nothing made me really laugh. Seems you're trying TOO hard to make it funny though, and most of the time when someone tries too hard, they never come out with anything hysterical. Just keep trying, and don't rush it, take time to plan it out, think "What could I do to make this even funnier...". Good luck.

Hmmm....You are right. I'm trying TOO hard.

Chappy 3: The Great Deku Tree: p2: The Battle with Ghoma

(The crew are resting on the peice of land that they are on)

Saria: (Wakes up) Okay, people, lets go.

(They proceed to the other side of the little river, where the Deku Baba is at. Passing it, they burn down the web and get to the room next door. Here, is a Deku Scrub, when they recieve the password, Saria opens the door with the slingshot and they proceed further)

(They find themselves in a room with that blade thing in the middle of the water area with a floating platform)

Mido: We need to cross it, but the spinning blade thing is too low....

Navi: We'll have to press the switch in the water.

Link: Why?

Navi: ...Cause that's the only way we can get across. That's why?

Link: Why not try it using the skills i have learned? It's pretty cool.

Mido: *sarcastic* Woah...what is that, Link?

Link: >_>; Observe. (He walks back to the door, faces the other side of the room, and suddenly runs)

Mido: :ironic: Running?

(Time suddenly slows to a crawl as Link jumps off the edge. When in the middle, he takes his slingshot out and fires multiple shots at the Skulltula, killing it. He then firest multiple shots at the switch in the water and it depresses, lowering the water, Link places the slingshot away and finally lands on the ground.)

Mido and Saria: O_O

Link: I call that my awesome Matrix Move.

Navi: You...uh.....

Link: Come over here.

(Mido and Saria swims over to where Link is.)

Mido: How....how do you know this skill?

Link: (Walks to Mido) In the words of Morpheus from the Matrix Trilogy: "You must erase all doubt, disbelief....You must let it all go....Free your mind." Honestly, Mido. Watch it and you'll understand it.

Saria: Hey, weren't you into the Fly?

Link: No. I seemed to have hit my head back there. Lets proceed.

(They enter the next room, defeat a Skulltula that seemed to think it was pulling an ambush stage, and then they light the torches with the only remaining Deku Stick they have)

Mido: Great...How do we burn the webbing then?

Link: Um...(looks around) I'm not exactly sure.....wait a sec! (He takes out a box of matches and lights one match and then walks to the webbing and burns it) Bingo...(He drops the still burning match and then stomps on it, putting the fire out) Remember, only you can prevent forest fires.

(They go through the tunnel until they get to the ledge with a webbing underneath it.)

(Link defeats the Deku Babas and gains new Deku Sticks. He pushes the block down and goes to the other side and gets the Deku Stick on fire and burns the webbing)

(They jump in there)

(When they climb out, they are attacked by three Deku Scrubs)

Link: Let me handle this. (He defeats the brothers in the right code)

Last Deku Scrub: Hey! Why the **** do you know the code? Who the h*** told you this??

(Saria and Mido comes near it)

Saria:Now, don't get mad at us. We're trying to find a curse that harmed our tree. You know where it is?

Last Deku Scrub: I don't know what the **** you are talking about you *****!!!!!!

Saria: (mad) HEY!

Last Deku Scrub: Up your ***!!!

Link: Just tell us for the love of everything! Where is the curse??

Last Deku Scrub: Go shove a fork up your....

(Suddenly, a counsler lady walks out of a van she parked in the tree somehow. She walks to the Deku Scrub)

Last Deku Scrub: Who the **** are you!?

Counsler Lady: It seems you had a terrible childhood. You are so angry all the time and you curse at young children who are trying to find a way to save their tree from a curse...

Last Deku Scrub: Why....you....

Counsler: Come, we'll talk through this and we'll find out if we can't settle this anger problem here...

(She puts him in her van and drives off with him screaming)

Mido: Uh...I guess we do not know where the curse is then...

Link: Mido, don't you realize what was on the Deku Scrub?

Mido: Uh...Spit from it cussing at us?

Link: No, a little paper. When the Counsler lady came, i took the paper and read it. The monster in the next room is Ghoma, a freaking huge spider...thingy....

Saria: Is Ghoma the curse?

Link: I'm not exactly sure if she is the curse or not.

Navi: HEY! HELLO? LISTEN!

Link: Yes, Navi?

Navi: Look! Link, Ghoma is the parasite that is eating the Great Deku Tree!

Saria: So Ghoma IS the curse, then!

Link: Well, lets go get her....or...him...or it....or whatever the heck it is.

(They charge into the door and crash through it. They race down the tunnel and stop when the door slams down.)

(A scratching sound is heard)

Link: Ssh!

(Ghoma walks out from behind a pillar)

Saria: Ghoma...

Mido: That's one freaky spider...thing.

Link: (Takes out sword and shield)

Ghoma: Rawr! (attacks)

(Link and Saria splits apart, leaving Mido alone. Mido catches Ghoma by the claws and struggles with it)

Saria: (Looks at Mido) Mido's in trouble!

Navi: Hey! Strike Ghoma's eye when red.

Link: Uh...thanks...(Looks to see that the slingshot is where Mido is) Crap...

Mido: (grunts, he looks down to see Link's slingshot. He suddenly falls to his knees and then gets on his hands and kicks Ghoma in the eye when it was red. Ghoma is stunned. Mido quickly grabs the slingshot and aims it for Ghoma) Die!

(He shoots it, but Ghoma just shakes back and starts moving)

Saria: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!! (Lands on Ghoma and starts punching it on the back)

(Ghoma throws Saria off and attacks Mido again, who grabs a Deku Stick and lunges out to it, but doesn't attack. Ghoma dwells on this and decides its next move and tries to strike again, but Mido whacks it on the leg. He throws the slingshot at Link)

Mido: Catch!

(Link catches the slingshot and then aims it at Ghoma, it's eye is red. Link fires and Ghoma is thrown backwards.)

Mido: Now...(He whacks it's chest with another Deku Stick)

Saria: Mido! Run away!

(Mido gets caught and is about to be poisoned by Ghoma's stinger)

Saria: LINK!

Link: (He runs to where Mido and the beast is. Taking out his sword, he throws it to Mido) KILL IT!

Mido: DIE!!!! (he stabs Ghoma)

Ghoma: RAWWWWWRRRR!!!!!! (dies)

(a light appears and Saria and Link goes to where Mido is)

Saria: Are you okay, Mido?

Mido: Yeah...I think so....

Link: Well, I'm glad we are all safe. Lets go see what the Great Deku Tree is doing.

(They walk into the portal and they go up)

Navi: Waaaaaaait! (She manages to get into the portal before it vanished)
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How's that? I didn't think, i just went on and typed whatever came out on my mind.

well ihave just read all of the chapters and unlike some people i liked it it was quite good

I'm sorry, it isn't funny, if that's what you are trying to make it. It's not bad, it just isn't funny.