[Parody] Al Ice In Wonderland (Time Paradox Hack Version)

Al Ice In Wonderland
L.B. Allen


Chapter 1: Preface

When asked by my publisher whose name, in a strange coincidence which in fact is not coincidental in any way at all, is L.B. Allen, to write a preface to my own widely popular, self published book, Al Ice In Wonderland( Copyright, 2008), the first thing that popped into my mind was, naturally, why do they call it a preface in the first place? Luckily, the first chapter of the book was actually the preface, allowing me to not worry about writing one at all. Now before I delve deep into this mystery of the word’s root, I would like to emphasize for a minute just how popular my book is. Millions, if not billions, have bought and read Al Ice, which it is constantly shortened as, and have praised it greatly. In fact, many had supported a petition to expand the story outside of my own brain and to release the book for world release. At first, I was skeptical, but my insidiously faulty logic convinced me to go ahead, insisting it would be an instant hit. In retrospect, I seem to remember that my exact words were “I would be instantly hit”, but my memory, it seems, is just as faulty, if not more so, than my logic.

Now, back to the aforementioned question: Why is it called a preface? The first explanation that popped into my head was this: First, I broke up the word into two: pre and face. I took pre to be short for prelude. So, basically, what a preface was was a prelude before you faced the book. There was something wrong with my theory though. The word faced made it seem like a showdown between the reader and the book, in which the reader had to force himself to read the book, which I find to be an inaccurate way of putting it, unless it was a crappy “classic” book which you have to read for English class. Such a book would probably include a letter somewhere towards the first letter of the alphabet colored in some shade of red and would stand for going against one of the Ten Commandments. The name would reference aforementioned letter. So as of now, I still have no idea why it is called a prelude. A simple look in the dictionary would probably explain this. But, if I had done so, I would not have been able to write about this and take one to three minutes of your life away, of which you will never get back (Score!).

To waste some more of the reader’s time, I decided I would then shed light on the history of Al Ice after my pointless paragraph on preface. Contrary to popular belief, this story in fact, is not a rip off of Alice in Wonderland, but in fact quite the opposite. Some decades ago, I invited Lewis Carroll over to my apartment and told him of my idea to write the book. Being the spineless backstabber he is, he stole my idea and got many key things wrong. He misheard the name of the protagonist, Al Ice, as Alice. He also seemingly didn’t listen to me at all as I explained it to him, changing the character from the original twenty somewhat year old African American man with black hair to a preteen Caucasian girl with brunette hair. Also contrary to popular belief, Carroll’s inaccurate Alice had brunette hair, instead of blonde hair as portrayed in Disney’s animated take on Carroll’s book. Disney in fact got many things wrong in the movie, which turned out to be correct in my true, non stolen version, Al Ice. The live action adaptation just got everything wrong sans Whoopee Goldberg who was in fact in the original Al Ice novel. But, due to copyright infringements, Whoopee had to be edited out of the new edition, much to my dissatisfaction.

Before any of this had actually happened, I first had to think of the story itself. The name came to me in a dream. For eight hours straight, I dreamt of a blinking neon saying Wonderland. When I awoke, I had found my deranged incompetent wife had given me lice overnight. Suddenly, something in my broken logic connected. A Lice In Wonderland. The story instantly followed: A louse had found its way onto a magical rabbit that was early for something in a place called Wonderland (Time in Wonderland is a wonder. Where time goes forward in real life, it goes backward in Wonderland. So being early was being late and being late was being early and time travelled backwards, creating the opposite effect. It sounds confusing, but is really quite simple.). The louse didn’t particularly like rabbit’s fur (it was extremely hard to grow vegetables in it) but decided to stick around out of curiosity. Shenanigans obviously ensued. What a great word, shenanigans. Rolls off the tongue. Fun to say. Later, I realized the title of the story didn’t make sense since lice was actually only the plural form of the critter. I had originally thought it was of the same type of word as sheep, in which sheep is both singular and plural. For example, both sentences “Look at that solitary sheep there!” “And look at those plural sheep there!” both make sense. A week later, I had gone to my high school reunion where I revisited my old high school friend, Lewis Carroll. Shenanigans ensued (See above paragraph for more details).

A lot of people have attacked me for my lack of description involving the main character, Al. Many have requested, in fact gone as far as to threaten my life if I refused, that I add a description of the main character. I refused, leaving the original description of Al as a twenty something year old African American. My reasoning behind making Al an African American was to avoid the stereotype of a white protagonist. Unfortunately, many people thought Al to be the stereotypical black man. This led me to the realization that you can never escape stereotypes, leading me to make the other characters in my story stereotypes. In a recent interview, I was asked by an old gray haired reporter: “Why make every single character in your book a stereotype?” In which I replied, “I didn’t. Al is not a stereotype. But I made every other character a stereotype because that is what they are. There wouldn’t be a stereotype of something if it wasn’t true. So why lie? A stereotype exists because that is how the people portrayed themselves. But now, since they realized they were all the same, they wanted to be different. The current stereotype for protagonists in stories is to not be stereotypical. I make Al stereotypical so as to not have him, as the protagonist, be a stereotype. You understand?” He didn’t. I even went as far as to create a short quiz of stereotypicalness of the main character to give readers their own interpretation of his unstereotypical stereotype:


Question1: Al-
A.Is Bald
B.Has an Afro
C.Has Dreadlocks
D.‘s Hair is braided
E.All of the Above


Question2: Al is good at-
A.Basketball
B.Football
C.Shooting
D.Rapping
E.All of the Above


Question3: Al’s favorite food is-
A.Fried Chicken
B.All of the Above

In conclusion, despite the many struggles and controversies that have plagued the story throughout the short time of its existence, in time it was all worked out and the original story of Al Ice in Wonderland can be enjoyed by all in the original context created nearly a hundred years ago, as it should have been. Nothing in this edition has been edited, changed, or altered in any form or way to keep the original story intact, save the dreaded absence of Whoopee Goldberg. So please, turn the page and enjoy Al Ice In Wonderland, which incidentally does not actually exist yet on paper.

*CLAP CLAP clap clap clap...*

Beautifully done mate! I shall copy pasta this onto a sheet of the finest white paper, and post it upon my wall!

I'll do your questions later

Really, you found it good enough to clap? Wow....

EGO BOOST

Yes i complimented it, but i'm not just "Somebody..." ¬_¬

I has a name, and you be call me it by my teh name...

You be follow?

Anyways, I think you are a talented writer and would like to see more of your stuff in the future

Just give me message or something on my profile with the links or somethin mate! g'night

Chapter 2: Chapter 1

On the most boring of all days, Tuesday, of the most boring week, the second of the most boring month, February, of the most boring year to ever exist, Al Ice was bored. So bored was Al Ice, in fact, he was in the process of formulating the outline of a satirical novel parodying a beloved classic that had been translated twice into movies, one animated, and one live action featuring the acting “talents” of Whoopi Goldberg. This event would later be called “The Great Boredom Tragedy of 20XX” and would become a fairy tale to little children that if they don’t flush after they poo, the Boredom Fairy will eat your imagination and turn you into a philosopher. Al Ice was then sued by the Boredom Fairy for effectively destroying her career in what would be known as “The Great Boredom Trial of 20XX” and would be deemed the most expensive and useless trial ever to exist. As well as the most boring.

But none of this has yet to happen in the twenty something year old African American’s life. Though this will all eventually come to fruition, the current adventure this young man will partake in will involve much more excitement and much less boredom, and will come to be known as “The Less Boring Tragedy of 20XX”, which will be written by Al Ice in his person memoirs entitled “My Eventful Tragedy of 20XX: Al Ice’s Adventures in Wonderland”. His book would soon excel to the #1 bestseller list for a year straight in what would be called “The Great Literature Tragedy of 20XX” in which many children, forced to read the book for their high school English class was so bored by the content, they lost all imagination and became bitter, bearded philosophers. But today, on this most boring Tuesday, Al Ice was bored out of his mind.

So bored was Al Lice, in fact, his mind raced with thoughts for a novel. Once upon a time, in a land far far away that enigmatically had great similarities to Earth, there once lived a louse named Lou. Lou lived a normal life of a louse, settled in some overweight guy’s unclean hair. The world of Stan was abundant of everything they needed and proved to be the perfect place to raise a family. After hearing of “The Great Scratching Tragedy of 20XX” Lou and his wife were immensely happy they had moved northward to Stan’s beard. Lou also had two eggs, currently unnamed. One day a rabbit appeared in the Universe of Stan’s Parent’s Basement, causing Stan to jump so violently that Lou, who had been at work gathering nutrients from the tips of Stan’s hairs, was flung across the Universe, landing on the rabbit’s fur.

It was at this time that, inexplicably, a white rabbit happened to jump in front of Al, startling the above thoughts out of existence for the time being. “Oh why hello there, rabbit. You’re not boring.”

The rabbit, in an event bio and regularly logically impossible, replied in such a way as to imply the rabbit was in a hurry. “Oh dear dear dear, no time to talk for I’m early, verrry early,” said the rabbit in a rushed voice as he checked the pocket watch hidden somewhere in his hide, starling Al so much, that the lice in his hair were all violently thrown out of their cozy little scalp huts, resulting in a massacre that would be known as “The Great Lice Tragedy of 20XX”.

“You-you-you can t-t-talk?”

“Oh dear oh dear, not for long as it would appear.”

“You-you-you r-r-rhyme?”

“Oh dear oh dear, it would so appear.”

“Is that all you know that rhymes?”

“No.”

For some reason this statement left Al more speechless than any previously impossible statement uttered by the rabbit, who was now checking his watch again. Surprised, the rabbit jumped in a fright. “Oh dear, I’m early, I’m early, extremely early. No time to talk, I’m afraid.”

“Wait,” replied Al. “If you’re early, then you have time to talk.”

“Oh dear, oh no no no. If I were to arrive early, the queen would have my head, surely.”

“The queen?”

“I must be off! Good day, stranger!” And with that the rabbit bounded off.

“Wait!” yelled Al, jumping up off the bench he had been sitting on. “You’re not boring! WAIT!” And Al chased after the rabbit.

Ten minutes later, Al found himself alone in the middle of a big field. “HEY!” he yelled out, “Where are you rabbit!?”

No reply.

“No reply…” he said with a sigh. Grudgingly, Al turned around, heading back the way he came. “Well,” he said to himself, “it was interesting while it lasted.”

Al didn’t make it three steps before falling down a hole hidden by the tall grass.

Heheh - you, sir, have created a very interesting idea that has captured my interest (HA! Imagine that! I'm interested in something that's interesting!). The preface was quite funny, particularly the last question of the quiz. I also like the title of Chapter 2, and your repeated references to "The (something something) of 20XX". I can see this continuing far into the future, and I look forward to it.

Thanks. I hope this continues for a while. I have a commitment problem. Ask my wife.

Yeah, I'm getting the lame jokes out so as to not have any Al Ice

Oh, and tell your friends and beat them mercilessly if they refuse to read it.

Only if you read my comic.

But really, I'll help spread the word.

Chapter 3: Inexplicably, Only the Second


Al found himself falling. And rightfully so, considering the fact he had just fell in a hole. But it wasn’t just that Al was falling, it was that Al was falling an inexplicably long time. So long in fact, Al became bored. So bored, he created the idea for a mediocre sitcom named Douglas and the Universe, which follows the adventures of Douglas Addams and his “wacky, fun adventures across the universe,” raves The Washington Post.

Al had been falling for so long, the pilot had already been scheduled for Can’t Miss Thursdays on FBS, the Fictional Broadcasting System, though due its lackluster fall lineup of late, the FBS had adopted a nickname, involving slang for intercourse and excrements of bulls. In order to not break the mold, Al intentionally mad the pilot very mediocre, allowing it to only continue for eight more episodes before being cancelled by a combination of bad reviews and even worse ratings. In fact, only three people watched the final episode, two of which were fat bastards who had lost their remotes deep within their rolls, and the third was a two year old baby possessed by a demon who refused to release the remote to the baby’s parents. When the exorcist finally arrived to exorcise the demon out of the baby, it turned the channel to a marathon of Friends, distracting everyone in the house while it summoned the army of the damned. This event would be known as “The Great Friends Disaster of 20XX” confirming the belief that Friends would be the death of us all.

Al had been falling for so long, he had missed his court date with the Boredom Fairy. The judge was really pissed.

Finally, it seemed that the hole was in fact, not a pit. To explain further: Holes always, always, whether they be man-made, natural, or even supernatural, always have bottoms. Pits on the other hand, might not have an end to them. This is why the term is a “bottomless pit” and not a “bottomless hole.” The more you know.

Al realized now he was going to die. After falling for so long, he was quite aware he would hit the ground at such immense speed, that his state of matter would surely change. A neon sign flashed before his eyes. At first, he couldn’t determine what the sign said, but the second time it flashed he comprehended it to be His Life.

This sign caught his attention, distracting him from the impending ground. And then he found himself floating, inches from the ground. His metaphorical mind was metaphorically blown into bits of metaphoric mush.

“Wh-wh-wh-what!? I’m flying?”

He was, in fact, not flying at all, but instead was caught by a net so thin, it was impossible to feel or see yet strong enough to hold up a pregnant elephant, which is very heavy.

“Wow, short chapter.”

I love your humor, man. FBS, "Friends Disaster", the net - all fantastic. Keep up the good work!

Actually, this is a first at this type of humor for me. I only started this form of humor after I started reading the Hitchhiker's Guide series. This and Monty Python are my main inspirations.