But I Forgive You

Sucky title I know. :XD Anyways as a way for me to try and move on with my train wreck of a love life, my friend suggested penning it all down unedited and 100% truth, so I've made a small start and am kinda posting it mainly to just give a small including into why I am the way I am, kinda inspired by Asia's changes thread so go read that when you've finished with my crappy attempt at being a writers. :XD

Anyways my spelling and punctuation probably sucks since this was written on notepad so can you avoid pulling those up unless they're epically amusing (its been known to happen)

Anyways here Part 1(?) Kinda bang in the middle of high school and a situation I was in so I'm just gonna shut up press paste and let you all judge for yourselves. Be gentle.

Jay heart was beating widely, he'd finally sat Reece down with the promise he'd tell why hes been acting so weird lately with avoiding him. He tried to say those 5 words he'd planned in his head. I'm. In. Love. With. You. His brain was carving them into his tongue but yet his mouth wouldn't open to let the words explore the realm of sound and communication, he had this chance to come clean and he was ****ing it but by being all silence, people passed by in their groups of base loving, barbie chavs all passing slow looks up and down, mock Jay with their eyes, but he didn't care; He had more important things to get over with today.

"I don't know how to say this so I'm just gonna write it down, then you can read it and I don't have to see your reaction" Jay delved into his pocket looking for a pen and paper, he found a scrap of paper that'd doodled Reece's name on, well that wasn't going to be suitable finally he found a pen and piece of ripped out of notebook from his blazer and leant up against the brick wall and started writing, but the pen didn't work. Was this fate? Trying to stop him destroying his life? Probably. "**** pen doesn't work." Reece rose up from the bench and took the pencil from behind his ear that he usually kept in times of need such as this. Jay carved the words onto the paper. Brick wasn't the best thing to be writing on but it was there and this needs to be over with. Finally he'd finished the note read "I'm In Love With You." in jagged letters from trying to write on bumpy bricks, he folded the paper over twice so Reece couldn't peak as soon as he got it. "ok I'm going to go to tutor, don't open that til I leave, k?" Reece's eyes rose in that oh so sexy way of asking if Jay was serious.

"Why?" Reece chuckled. The word stabbed Jay in the heart and honesty kicked its way to his brain and out flowed the words "because I don't know how you'll react and you know if it turns physical I'd never fight you back so, better all round really" Reece pulled the look again and but blinked a few times and said "I don't see what could be so wrong, but ok" Jay handed Reece the note and walked towards the door into the building, he quickly wondered what he was holding; Reece's Pencil. He spun around and began to speak "I still have your Pe-" Reece was opening the note quickly, he spun back around and headed through the door and made a quick dash for his tutor room which overlooks exactly where Reece was stood. He could see Reece's reaction out of reach of fist, it was perfect.

As soon as he got in the door, he thought "****!" as he saw all the chairs full of little girls dressed in yellow from some primary school, and the blinds on the windows were closed, 'fate you ****ing bastard' he thought in his head, all his muscles tensing, spasming as he didn't know what Reece did and being pestered with his butch tutor squealing "your late!" wasn't helping the matter much, his hands began shaking and she noticed. "Are you ok?" Jay's breath was almost non existent; as soon as he opened his mouth he was breathing fast and almost silent "I'm. Fine" but he wasn't. The boy he loves just found out and he didnt know what his reaction was, or what he'd do next.

All Jay could do was clutch the pencil Reece gave him and hoped fate wouldn't desert him and ruin his life with this one courageous yet foolish action, but even Jay couldn't foresee the aftermath that would soon be upon him and his social life, and how everything will come crumbling down.

He though his heart was failing, it wasn't just beating fast it felt like it was ducking, diving, heaving, kicking, imploding all inside him. What had he done? What if he just destroyed his friendship with someone he treasures more than his own life and family, this would destroy him. If Jay couldn't have Reece as a lover then he would settle for a friend as long as he was in his life otherwise wheres the meaning? Jay sat at the table, surrounded by little school girls dressed in yellow, starting at him, whispering about him. Did they think he was one of THOSE teens, who are on those drugs?

Who knows. Jay sat still silently out of breath, as small tears ran from his eyes, he could of just destroyed the thing he valued most in the world. What if Reece hates him? How would he live with destroying something so delicate and amazing? Jay' head was a mess, he wanted to get up and leave but what if Reece was waiting outside for him? What if he was insulted and wanted to make sure Jay didn't spread what was the on the note around by giving a good ass kicking. He loves this boy, in a fight Reece could beat him to a bloody pulp and his feelings wouldn't change at all. The fear was beginning to hurt, his heart was on fire, engulfed by the flames of fear and regret. As Jay sat silently discretely crying and occasionally smacking himself in the side of his head the bell rang, his small period of sanctuary was over. Time to face what you've done Jay James his brain taunted knowing it might be one of the last things he'll think this side of a hospital bed.

Jay rose from his chair and quickly brushed past his tutor who looked like she was going to try and give him a "friendly chat", Jay might be dead soon he didn't need patronizing too. He walked the walls in full alert, rushing to get to his bus so he could avoid Reece incase he didn't take it very well. The last thing this needed to turn into is a fight that would make the entire school aware of the fact Jay James Farmer is a gay but that hes in love with one of the most heterosexual boys in the year. The thought of it made his stomach knot and twist and tear itself apart. Finally he'd gotten outside for once not being phased by the crushing sensation of 500 odd students trying to squeeze through two small doors at great speeds and then he saw him.

Casually leaning against a wall like he was some days after school ended, He must of noticed Jay come out, otherwise he wouldnt be looking directly at him yet not making eye contact. Must be empowering for him, to see Jay's 'deer in the highlights' eyes; from the fear that was waging a bloody war on his innards. Reece finally made eye contact and his eyes were blank, he was unreadable to Jay, what was he feeling? was it hate? was it relief? Finally Reece opened his perfect mouth "Don't worry about it" said in a compassionate yet overly masculine way and Jay's war wounded innards stood frozen for a split second and then continued more frantic than before as more questions burned.

Still in a stampede of school loathing students, he knew he couldn't divert and tried to seem overly confident just for the sake of appearing and could only mutter a loud "mmhmm!" barely making eye contact as he passed him surrounded by flocking school children who had already broken out the loud gansta rap on their phones to make ears bleed, just so he could have a full set of bodily pieces that were hurting and bleeding at what he'd just risked and "don't worry about it" doesn't really solve any worries, just begs more questions. Why would he say THAT? Maybe he liked the hold he had over Jay.

No one seems to be reading this but I still need to store this online for if I'm college and want to write more or whatever. So hes some more.

After getting off of the bus full of hypocrites and *****es, he began the short walk home trying to force his brain into coming up with insults against the *****es on the bus who had a fascination with talking about gays, yet when someone asks them about why they are putting on make up with a trowel they automatically jump in a girly screech to "did you just call me a whore?! did'ja?! My boyfriend will kick your ass! well?! what didja say?!" They'd scream, then after a pain stakingly long silence her other face would reappear and they'd continue with taking about soaps, gays and how they have the best boyfriends.

This was probably one of the most torturous events in Jay's day, atleast in the mornings these girls were *****ing about their own imperfections and as soon as evening comes their little coven would turn around and start judging the rest of the world, Including Jay; "have you got a girlfriend yet? are you frigid? are you gay? are you a virgin? do you think I'm pretty? if she asked would you go out with Melissa?" insulting him and each other, who knew the outside world was full of such *****es. Jay walked slowly his brain was currently hosting a tennis match of thought bouncing from Reece to how these girls think or if they even do.

The girls was the topic that terrified him the least so that was the one that popped up most, and finally the walk was over. Welcome "home". No one noticed Jay come home, didn't seem like anyone cared much either. His mum was fighting with her husband about how hes a moron and then he'd come back with how she loves the dogs she breeds over her own husband and children.

Nothing new here today: same old, same old. Jay slid past them into the kitchen to get whatever had survived his glutton but un-fat sister had spared in her daily assault on the fridge; an out of date yogurt and microwave pizza. Well there is dinner for today. Jay slipped back past the world war seventy six going on between his parents (minus a father) vanished into his room

Jay sat alone in his room for hours, he sat frozen on his bed, eyes open, pondering. Fantasizing about what tomorrow could bring, what could tomorrow could lead to. Social destruction, the begining of a relationship with the love of his life, his last day as a depressed boy? His brain was on steorids throwing around new ideas but this robust energy did not seem to want to share with the rest of him, he felt heavy and lifeless on the outside. Fear, hope, faith, more hope were terrorising his mind, twisting his heart around and around until it felt like everytime it beated a hand emerged and crushed it down to a small ball then it would beat again. What should he do? Jay slid of his bed almost falling to the ground from his slumpy still shoe wearing feet got caught in the duvet.

He russled through one of his desk draws, it was a mess. Full of random things he would never use yet wouldn't throw out incase he ever would need them for some absurd task in the future. He pulled out his phone, the one he was meant to have with him at all time incase of emergencies, but over time it had gone one of fashion and this temperamental little brick of dead weight had a mind of its own, randomly switching itself on and off, which would always make a loud tone, and would even ignore the fact you'd hit silent so many times just seemed to make it more defiant. It was a useless block but it had the only two things Jay needed for what his thoughts has thought out; Reece's Mobile Number and Credit.

He began slowly hitting the keys like some retiree who'd just discovered mobile phones, ok so Jay wasn't exactly in with the cool crowd, who all had the latest phones. He didn't care, said phone will be out of fashion and barely worth 1/3 of what you originally paid for it anyways. Slowly the little message shape but was often edited from the button punching typos. "Can u skip 1st period tomoz, I need 2 c where we sand" Jay read it back and hover over the button to send then noticed yet another typo. Sand? Stand! Jay punched the 8 key to insert a T and heard it crack, well a t was on screen but the 8 key was in his palm . . . well that wasn't good. He clicked send and fumbled trying to reunite the fallen 8 to it's useless parent. Finally Jay gave up. Chances are Reece wouldn't reply he'd just wait outside school for him and probably kick his ass, its not he'd need to put that in a text message before hand. Jay sat back down on his bed and let gravity do it job and fell down onto the duvet that was now in a weird ball from jay yanking it with his foot.

After 5 minutes of blank thoughts he heard his chest of draws buzz, Its probably running out of battery again Jay sighed to himself mentally then the phone sang a little song of "Dun a ner ner!!! Dun a ner ner!!!" His heart just did some whacky somersault inside his chest. It was the message received tone. He scrambled up from the bed and as he got up once again caught his foot in the duvet and fell to the grand and smacking his head against the bed side cabinet on the way down to the laminate flooring; which his face made a full fledged smack with. "ahh!" Jay silently moaned to himself clutching his head and almost succumbing to the desire to assume the fetal position. Until the phone vibrated again and sang its ear attacking tone "Dun a ner ner!!! Dun a ner ner!!!"

He slid onto his knees, rubbing his head with his hand with eyes closed and his mouth uttering random profanities that weren't really making the pain subside at all. Jay reached up and grabbed the phone, then rose to his feet and went to press the ok button which would open the next message then; "Dun a ner ner!!! Dun a ner ner!!!" made Jay jump and the phone flew across the room and hit the wall and fell onto the floor in three separate parts. The phone, the battery and the back piece. "Oh for **** sake" he muttered to himself forcing a sigh and lowering his eyes to a "I hate you" stare at the indisposed nokia phone.

EDIT----

Another segment.

Jay dropped his shoulders in another head lowering, epic sigh. This stupid phone, he'd of stamped on it, if it wasn't holding secrets hostage until he put it back together, Humpdy Dumpy never used emotional blackmail to get himself fixed, but in hindsight I think he would of had he known how that rhyme ends. Jay shuffled across the room to where the phone pieces lay awaiting reconfiguration; he put the battery back and the case on. He stabbed his finger at the on button awaiting the screen to ignite itself in pale green light but it didn't. He poked hard at the button until it the light finally came on, and displayed his welcome message he'd been meaning to change for months now of "You've turned me on, now play with me" then it flashed a huge battery logo and cut itself to black, Jay gripped the phone in his fist and began to squeeze as a way of not punching the wall or anything else in his room; taking deep slow breath trying to stop the bull like rage growing.

He returned to his messy draw and saw the end of the charger cable and pulled until it pinged out and hit him in the shin, but he was so tense with being "calm" that he didn't feel it. He took out a plug from the wall socket and his alarm clock went off "great" he sighed to himself, this was a bad day, a very very bad day. He plugged in the phone and plunged the small cable head into the phone and left it until the light came on with the giant battery logo and the little bars appearing. He starred mindlessly at it for around 5 minutes until then one bar had been filled then widely stabbed On, almost instantaneously. The screen came on and the welcome message he had to change but probably wouldn't remember. He went into his text messages and inbox and click on the new message from Reece, it wasn't the declaration of love or hope that Jay had been searching for, just a one word text "Why?" Jay's tongue filled up his cheek and his mouth swayed to side which was his facial expression that was a mash up of "sigh" and "oh for **** sake".

Jay clicked the button for reply and began slow poking the buttons until he need a T. He looked around frantically his head shaking from side to side to see where he left that 8 key. Eventually he just picked up a drawing pin with a broken off spike and wedged it into the small hole that was under each key and used it as his new T key, but the problem was he couldn't always remember what 8 represented in the alphabet and that made texting "Because I think we should talk this out, for the sake of our friendship" take even longer than it would with a perfect working phone. Finally it came, the message sent screen. Jay exhaled with relief and sat back down on his bed then fell backward again landing on his bed sheet, the duvet was half on the floor and half on the bed, his brain wasn't really on the how the bed looks, but what Reece would send back. Would it be good? Would it be a yes? Or would it be a reply full of "txt tlk" homophobic profanities. Around 10 minutes later the dread but awaited tone reared his ugly head; "Dun a ner ner!!! Dun a ner ner!!!" it screeched electronically raping Jay's sense of hearing. He was getting quite fast now Click. Go to texts. Click. Go to Inbox. Click. Open the new message. "k. But I wanna b bak for duble science period 3"

Some more

Jay laid awake that night. His mind wouldn't collapse into silence so he could sleep, it just kept going on and on and on thinking about Reece. This wasn't very uncommon once the lights of his room went out but tonight it was different, tomorrow: his life could change forever tomorrow. He might finally get to see how Reece feels about it, if he feels anything for him or not. Although his mind seemed like it was constantly *****y as it shot down all of Jay's fantasies about what would happen tomorrow. Would they meet and randomly vanish into somewhere quiet and would declarations of love be exchanged and the foundations of a relationship be set in the ground or another where Reece just didn't show up and never spoke to him again. He couldn't think straight and his mind seemed like it was two different people, one was the dreamer and the other was realistic, who would shoot down all of the dreams and they'd burn while the two people fought and argued. Was Jay going crazy?

Did he have multiple personalities but they only lived inside his head? He didn't really know but it was driving him insane! He wanted to sleep not because he was exhausted but because he wanted tomorrow to begin and for him to see if this would be the start of a love life with reece or a tortured life without him. He continued until 4am fighting and conflicting different fantasies all came with their little dialogues and dramatics that the two people in his would play off against each other, until finally even those two got tired and his mind settled down to the idea of going to sleep.

By the time Jay had fallen asleep it was 5:!5am and he had to get up at 7, so chances were he wouldn't be too happy to be greeted by his shrieking alarm clock that sounded like someone had just kicked some robot in the head and they were alerting the rest of the war to this crime that had just unfolded, and all this drama would eventually wake Jay up in his usual morning mood of throwing the nearest object in the direction of the alarm clock, hoping it'd just shut up and he wouldn't have to get out of bed. But when morning came, he was awake and good two minutes before his alarm clock went off, his mind was blank as he stared into space feeling excited, terrified, hopeful and stressed out about today, the day he would know if the man he loves dearly, feels the same.

Crap, he was late for the bus. He turned the corner into the bus stop and his bus was there, not. good. Jay. not. good. at. all. Thankfully it was the nice woman bus driver called Dee, she was probably the best driver they had, if it had been the other driver, weird guy who has serious nose hair issues. He'd of just smirked a malicious smile and drive off. But Dee waited probably why she was the most liked one. Today's journey was strangely quiet. Which wasn't helping distracting Jay's mind from thinking about when he gets to school, the silence pretty much made it think up more and more elaborate scenarios, which really wasn't helping the situation any.

Finally Jay silenced his mind with some odd will power, well no that’s a lie. Mainly because one of the girls; on the back of the bus had spotted a bee and they were seriously freaking out. "Oh! Me! Gawd! Itsah bey!" They all jumped up and stampeded down the bus isle to alert Dee, Dee was quiet a butch woman, everyone had theories she was a lesbian but its nothing you want to ask the person who is driving a big metal object she could hit you with when your crossing the road, so no one really asked. Dee got out of her little booth with her rolled up sleeves and shoed the bee out of the window, during this intense could-be-stung-by-the-dark-mr-bee saga, Jay was probably staring at the group of girls who were amusing themselves with the fact there was a button on the steering wheel that made a honk noise, had they never been in a car?

Jay was giving them all "I really hope you'll just die" looks and they were pretty oblivious to it and kept on pissing him and everyone else off with their stupidity. Finally after two other stops because they'd seen a moth and a spider, they got to school. Jay's heart was once again feeling like someone was dropping kicking it while wearing steel capped boots. He couldn't see Reece anywhere. Had fantasy scenario 32b came true? Was he just not going to show up?

Where is he? The only thing that Jay's brain would think for about 10 minutes, he waited out front of the school gate and a teacher appeared to try and usher him inside the school, Jay was at the state of mind where he REALLY didn't want to be bothered by anyone other than Reece. As the teacher tried to tell him to go inside or he'll miss tutor, he got Jay lifting his eyes up but not his head, which to the teacher must of been pretty scary. Another one of those children who will probably burst out into gang threats like: "Live-mi-uhlone, or-der-will-b-blud. . . Cuz-ir-cut-ya!" Rather than look like the student had beaten the teacher (even though he had) he tried to cling to his dignity with "Just make sure your in for first period" then he walked off and Jay could hear the loud exhale as soon as he had turned his back. Jay shook his head a little and exhaled sharply in a way that said "you. pillock"

2 minutes had passed, then 5, then finally 10 and Jay thought Reece obviously wasn't coming and turned to go inside when a red car pulled up and the door opened, he couldn't see who it was but they were taking their time getting out, they must have been having one of those parents who think the conversation doesn't end when you reach your destination. Eventually they got out of the car and turned around. Jay's brain exploded with random insults when it wasn't Reece. Just some pimply faced boy, who looked like he need to discover: a hairdresser, a razor and a damn good surgeon for some serious corrective plastic surgery for that face. He wasn't in the best of moods and when that happened he naturally attacked people's looks and how they dress. Even though Jay wasn't much better than these people, but it made him feel better, well to a degree.

Jay turned around and his heart stopped. Reece was standing there looking at him. "Are . . . we going?" Jay's heartbeat at this moment was like it was imploding, healing, exploding and healing again over and over. Jay somehow managed to speak during this internal match of smack down taking place inside his heart. "Yeah, where are going? Graveyard?" The graveyard was right next to the school had trees and lots of things that made it a favourite place amongst renegade pupils to skip classes and rarely be caught. Reece didn't want to get caught due to one of the teachers patrolling the walkway that went straight down the side of the school to the road that bent around to the entrance to the graveyard.

So they went the long way. Down the road, past the petrol station, down a different road and then another and down an alleyway that took them to the side of the shop where the owner would happily sell cigarettes to all of the pupils regardless of how old they looked, could look 18, could 12. You'd still get served. During this good 15 minute walk neither said a word. Reece just looked forward at all times and Jay would occasionally turn to his head to look at Reece; hoping he'd make eye contact and a conversation would emerge. But It didn't. Reece could see Jay looking at him out of the corner of his eye but still just acted like he couldn't see him. Jay was really wanted to start seeing where they stand but Reece obviously wasn't in a sharing mood.

I want to know what happens next.
Update soon, plz =X

Heh, and yes, even though it IS full of grammatical whatsits, it's true and full of the urgency and addictivity of a real story. I await your update *smiles*

I agree with Asia. I have been reading from the start, but I didn't comment because I didn't really know what to say. I can't say "good" because it's a terrible thing to have happened - you haven't finished, but the description of your love life as a "train wreck" doesn't exactly smack of sweetness and roses - but you have writing skill, I'd say. Lots and lots of grammatical errors, but still, written from the heart, which is what counts. Grammar can be corrected; lack of style cannot. I also await updates, and I wish you luck with clearing the wreckage and getting the railway running properly again.

Posting some more mainly because Guy & Asia and demanding it xD

I kind of suck at conversation chapters, I'm planning to rewrite it later so keep it in mind its kinda draftish.

Anyways, some feedback on the story on the direction (which is what I'm focusing on at the moment, while I plan it) would be really helpful.

Welcome; to the moment your world will never be the same Jay’s brain thought as they arrived at the graveyard. It surely wasn’t the best place to be thinking of starting the rest of your life. To Jay this was the fork in the road of his life, would Reece allow him to go down the road he hoped he could walk or would he be forced to walk the road alone. The feelings of fear and anticipation blending together within him; was causing horrible feelings, like he wanted to vomit. It could also be a symptom of never eating breakfast or anything in the mornings but Jay refused to think of that as a possible cause, it was the “butterflies”. The cutesy little explanation of when your stomach feels so odd and tingly. A child would believe that somehow small butterflies had got in and had started strutting their stuff in your stomach, without you even noticing.

“So.” Jay had finally got the courage to speak up from somewhere.

“Yes, so.” Mimicking the original conversation opener. During these moments of silence and tension; It seemed fitting for a tumbleweed to roll by just to set the mood, but it didn’t. Jay’s head was in overdrive all the things he could say swirling around, he had to pick one. Its the lottery except pick the wrong one and you could destroy your chances. Egg shells, Jay, Egg shells. Place your feet with care.

Reece for the first time of the day made eye contact. The piercing glare igniting fire within Jay’s heart that would probably soon turn him to ash. “I want to know how you know you are in love with me” Well Jay, could’ve been a worse opening question.

“Because I can feel you in my heart. When I’m around you I feel it, like heat, a fire. Its warm, fuzzy and its always there for you and you only.” He couldn’t of been more honest, he probably sounded like a total moron who had been taking notes from a marathon of Julia Roberts movies, but he couldn’t lie to Reece. That would only hurt Jay and Reece eventually when the lie came to light.

Reece blinked in reaction. “How do you know, its not something like cancer?” Welcome to the joke portion of this talk Jay, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

“This is serious, I know what I feel. It doesn’t feel like cancer, it feels like I’m lost in you and I can’t get out.” Honest words that were painful to say.

Silence. Reece wasn’t saying anything or doing anything. Just a blank canvas you couldn’t read any emotion from. Those pale blue eyes just staring into space, dealing with what had just been said.

“So your in love with me.” He acknowledged. But the tone, it wasn’t as if he was about to say anything similar.

“Yes, I am.” Reece exhaled. It seemed like another bad sign that he was trying to let Jay down gently. The mental preparations for receiving bad news had just begun its starting stages in Jay’s mind. More silence blanketed the two friends as their blunt talk died down to occasional glances at one another.

“Look. I just want to know where you stand on this.” He was going to add about how tortured he feels, but it seemed abit like he was over dramatizing the situation.

“With Joanna.” Jay’s head repeated paraphrased those words so he could process it. He stands with Joanna. Jay’s heart died, his eyes lowered and his chest sank. An overwhelming depression set in fast, that this was a “Can’t we just be friends” talk, nothing more. Although Jay seemed strong, reclusive and smart on the outside, no matter how mentally strong or smart you are. Love can still hurt you and this is a prime example.

“Oh…” The sadness was leaking his voice, as his eyes began to swell with water. He couldn’t cry right now, he’d happily curl up into the foetal position and cry until he’d spent all of his body’s tears but now, was defence mode. Up goes the wall, the great front that stops people looking in on what’s going on inside Jay’s head and heart.

Now with the almighty wall raised, more questions could start surfacing. “Do you love her?”

“Yes.” He spoke instantly, in a low tone. “I love her, I just want to make sure you know, She is my girlfriend, we’re in love. You’re my friend and that’s all you’ll ever be to me.”

Jay’s personalities were jumping into the driving seat for just a moment. Ok, there is letting you down, gently and then there is that. You had to give the boy some credit, he seemed to care. But he gave the impression he in the grey between caring and making sure the fag knew, this hetero was out of his league.

“I get it” Jay’s words were dry and quiet, his eyes not making contact as his head titled to the side as he tried to divert his attention from these painful moments to something else, he was surrounded by the dead and this wasn’t the place for a love to blossom.

Reece leant forward trying to get Jay’s attention so he could speak to him, not at him. Finally their eyes connected. Reece’s eyes were blue and full of care, not hate. “You’re my best friend, I don’t want this to come between us. This isn’t about you. I’m not gay. If I were I might feel different but I’m not, and that’s just how it turned out.” His words seemed honest, yet laced lightly with dishonesty.

This whole day, was happening because someone called Reece on his sexual habits. Maybe, Liam was lying, maybe, Reece was lying. He wouldn’t know, unless he asked. But the pain he was feeling inside was slowly beginning to grow, breathe, and start testing the limitations of this wall of emotional diversion. Cracks were emerging, soon holes would form and then the entire structure would come crashing down and Jay knew it was coming, he didn’t want Reece to see it, he just lost his heart, he could at least keep his dignity.

“You should go” Reece’s head peaked up from looking at the ground. A cross between confusion and concern was covering his face. “You’ve said what we came here to discuss, there’s no reason you should miss anymore class.”

“Jay, school just started twenty minutes ago. We’ve got another forty minutes before I go back” Jay’s eyes were glazing over with water once again, the walls were crumbling, being blasted apart as the pain inside him rippled and released wave after wave of heartache.

“I need to deal with this, and I can’t with you around me.”

“Why? How did you think today was going to end? You must of known there would be no sunset walk involved” His eyes were fixed, focused and harsh, which reflected in his tone of voice.

Jay’s head raised and their eyes met, his eyes began to sparkle and shimmer as sunlight hit the wobbling glaze of water over his deep green eyes.

“Oh” He’d just realized how Jay was hoping Reece felt the same. “I’m going to go then, will you be back for French?”

“Sure, why not.” Jay’s eyes froze open as he bit his bottom lip to try and distract himself from falling apart, there and then. Finally after getting the subtle hints Reece got up to head towards the fence that he’d mount to get back into school unnoticed. As soon as his back turned the first tear broke the zone and streamed down Jay’s face. He quickly got up and walked off in the other direction, towards the alleyway that would lead him to the main road that goes into town. Deep breathing soon appeared as he got onto the main road, more tears and heavy amounts of air being sucked in as his body coped with the crying that would only get more intense as the walk continued.

People passed, some even looked really concerned but no one bothered to stop him and ask what was wrong, being in the dark was safer rather than walking into the light and reaching out to someone who looks like they need help. This wasn’t at all surprising. This is the world of today. On his way Jay passed a river, he stopped for a moment and wondered how easily it would be; to fall into that water and be submerged and never have to deal with this again, let it wash away the pain of life and let it all be over.

How easy it would be, to just surrender yourself to the current and let your life slowly slip away into the waves of water, until all that remains is a shell of a pain long gone, a pain that is now cleansed in the water. All that would remain would be the body of a boy no one knew. Not even his parents. No one would understand, no one would know. It would just all have stopped and peace would eventually blanket him. Oh how easy it would be.

Within the moment it took for a short exhale. Jay found himself on the bridge, peering into the black water. It wasn’t clear. It wasn’t like paradise, it was emptiness and that is what he craved right now. Some place, where everything would just fade away. The small waves washed peacefully over one another, the darkness underneath the surface of the water was enthralling and drawing him in. Everyone would be better off without him; no one would notice if he were gone, no one would care. He would no longer be a burden on his friends, on his parents, on Reece, on anyone else who had to deal with him. Everyone would be free and Jay’s heart and mind would be at peace, how could he lose?

Time seemed to stand still, nothing seemed to move around him. The world just seemed dead, the only thing that had life was the pain that was slowing ripping apart everything Jay thought he was, piece by piece by piece.

That was very good. As a writer myself, I know conversation chapters are difficult to write, although for me it's completely different, seeing as how my conversation chapters are usually conversations about things like "Oh, by the way, did I mention you're the born hero destined to save the world?". But anyway, my point being I always think I've done a bad job of writing them, but when other people read them, they like them - and in the same way, I disagree with you when you say you suck at writing conversations. I think you're better than you think you are.

The whole piece was good. It was very emotional, fairly well written except for grammar (), and you've really brought the point across well. The end, in particular, I think is brilliant. The description of the river, and how easy it would be to end everything, really got me thinking, which, I imagine, is the idea. As I read that, I was imagining just what it would be like. It's actually quite shocking how *searching for right word* empathetic *?* that part of the text is.

Keep up the good work!

Not much expansion here but its something. I have changed the names now,

Jay - Jon
Reece - Russ.

Came across easier for me to write them, if I distanced them more from the actual people. Anyways. Please read and review.

Time seemed to stand still; nothing seemed to move around him. The world just seemed dead; the only thing that had life was the pain that was slowing ripping apart everything Jon thought he was, piece by piece by piece. Eventually Jon settled on a wall on the promenade, the beach was a good 3 miles walk from the school and he was the numb to the time that has passed while he walked there, but once he’d got there and sat on the wall, he became fixated on watching the waves approach, watching them rise and fall and fade as the next came and repeated the process. Such succession made the ocean seem perfectly in sync and Jon couldn’t help but envy that kind of belonging and connection that he felt he’d never have with anyone.

As the seconds passing, became minutes and they became hours, Jon was finally consumed with numbness, he couldn’t feel anything and it began to suit him. He felt as if something inside him had died and all that was left was to bury it and hope no one would notice the stains this love has left on Jon’s already brittle self confidence, but it wasn’t like he was popular or even well noticed. He could wander into the room covered in blood and he doubted anyone would even look up, the loneliness inside him had gotten to the stage where he no longer felt invisible, he just felt like he wasn’t even all there anymore.

He finally checked his phone for the time, and it’d been three hours since school began. He’d been sat here for almost two hours just watching the sea. Jon pondered if he should even to get started heading back to school, French was in 2 hours. Russ would be there and he didn’t even want to see him. Normally he’d be obsessively driven to see Russ whenever he could but now that the fire inside his eyes had been extinguished; he no longer felt the same. Maybe he should just skip it, skip the rest of the damn day and walk towards to the sea and not stop walking until he was submerged and surrendered to the will of fate to decide if he lives or dies, but no. He began walking back towards school, well town. School wasn’t going to be on the menu today; returning to school would mean facing Russ and the rejection. The rejection that without a doubt would be sweetly played down, but hinted at now and then as Russ would say a wrong sentence that could sound suggestive. It would be painful and it would be like this for the rest of school, he wasn’t looking forward to that, not in any way.

Instead he made his way to the local library, where he regularly skipped classes; especially those he couldn’t bare to sit through such as business studies and art. Business he took as an option because he just dumbly assumed it would be about the psychology of advertising and how to run a successful business etc. but instead all he got was a crash course into how to lower your iq with the help of endless “tasks” aka making a slide show in Microsoft PowerPoint, then copying out a passage from the work book.

He passed the checking desk with his head hung, which was a tell tale sign that he really didn’t want any of the librarians talking to him today. Normally they used to have such good chats normally while he made them search their database for books he wanted, rather than look them up online. Online, he spent all of his time on instant messaging programs so he could keep in contact with his two best friends, who just happened to be half way across the world. They’re Australian. He settled into an empty computer chair and began punching in his login details; give a scowl to the old woman sat next to him who had just started to address him and how much she loves her cat: Tiddles, in the same sentence.

Jon expertly opened windows messenger, punched in yet another login on the keyboard and started a new conversation with Kat, who was the only one online. Rather than start with a geriatric “Hello” he dived right in with “I told Russ and everything has gone to hell”

“Oh honey, tell me what happened. Did he hit you?” Kat replied within a nanosecond.
“I told him, I was in love with him yesterday and we skipped school today to see where we stand and he’s basically just shrugged it off!”
There was just Silence. no reply yet. It had only been 5 seconds but in cyberspace; if no one replied in a snap, it means they could be away or doing something else or just flat out ignoring you.
“That’s terrible, what did he say exactly? Are you two still friends?”
“I don’t know, I asked where he stands and the only reply I got was “With Jo”, so he’s picking that ***** over me.”
Cat lady was trying stealthily to read what was on Jon’s screen without him noticing.
“She can’t be that bad J.”
“I hate her, shes done nothing but try to split us up.”
“But you were never together”
Jon’s eyes bulged with fury as his typing got faster, angrier and heavier.
“Who’s side are you on!?”
Cat lady suddenly chimed in on this remark, which was none of her cotton fleece wearing business.
“Oh, deary that’s not very nice, I’m sure she is just trying to help”

Without any hesitation, Jon turned his head to left, their eyes now making contact with one another.
“Sod off!” He loudly screamed, making the old lady jump and freeze with a terrified look on her face.
Oh god, now shes going to have a stroke and die. Perfect. Jon thought to himself before she quickly regained her composure.
“Dear lord! What a foul mouthed boy!”
Jon’s eyes quickly darted around the room, people reading books were all looking up wide eyed, the librarian at the desk was looking at him blankly, her expression was a total cocktail of emotions. Surprise, horror, aggravation and speechlessness were all there.

...How did I not find this earlier?

I find writing personally hard, because the world doesn't care about my problems -- I cannot make them care enough about my escapades to carry on reading.

In, perhaps, the same way that the only people who don't feel intensely awkward reading such raw emotions are people who are strong friends with you -- most people might back off such a completely deep, whosome tale. I think that, though -- if you shined this up a little and didn't achnowledge the strong personal links/applied them to other people: I think anyone would read it; definitely.

Awkin would like moar ^__^;.

Originally Posted by Awkin

...How did I not find this earlier?

I find writing personally hard, because the world doesn't care about my problems -- I cannot make them care enough about my escapades to carry on reading.

In, perhaps, the same way that the only people who don't feel intensely awkward reading such raw emotions are people who are strong friends with you -- most people might back off such a completely deep, whosome tale. I think that, though -- if you shined this up a little and didn't achnowledge the strong personal links/applied them to other people: I think anyone would read it; definitely.

Awkin would like moar ^__^;.

Totally agree with you. It started mostly raw and a lil thing to do for boredom so far I've been planning the story out in a very in-depth way. Don't really want to give anything away but I've found it alot easier and more freeing to put distance between this story and the actual events which I wasn't doing when I first started posting this.

Thanks for reading and reviewing.