(Sf/Hor)The Stars and their Silence(T)

[Andross]

This is a continuing story. It will be separated based upon installments, and not chapters. I will divide it into chapters when it ends. Criticize it, so that I can improve it.

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INSTALLMENT-1

"As a kid, one of my big dreams was to travel through space. I wanted to fly across the infinite, starry seas; naïvely, I imagined myself as a sort of cop, capturing the "bad guys" and bringing them to justice, all for the glory and fame associated with being a hero. I admired the supposedly brave and caring leaders of The Bvarrae Union. I certainly was a patriotic little ****er... I would never imagine myself being in the situation I am now.

I do have to say, though, thank you for taking your time to listen to this. I doubt that you will think of me any more positively than the rest of those mindless 'sheep' out there, but you have shown some level of intellectual superiority by taking the time to listen to me, at least. History will remember me as the 'bad guy.' You will remember me as the 'bad guy,' as well; however, you will at least understand me a bit more than the rest of those fools out there. Maybe you will view me less as an 'evil' person, but more as a 'crazy' person. I would-

ZZZZZZZRRRRRRRRCHHHH-"

The message, emanating from a cracked recording device, came to a halting stop with a loud, electronic screech. The recording was obviously damaged, which was a great disappointment to the figure who came across the device. With a sigh, the explorer, clad in clothing and gear that covered his whole body, making him an indistinguishable space researcher, slowly pocketed the device in a small pouch on his side, and rose to his feet. Taking a final, quick survey of the area- a ruined room of rusted metal walls and mechanical debris everywhere, but without signs of organic decay- he turned, and headed out the doorway on the opposite side of the room.

The man exited the main facility of what appeared to be a ruined space station, designed for prison purposes, and approached his vehicle- a small, plane spacecraft, with the words “PROPERTY OF THE BVARRAE RESEARCH DIVISION” painted upon it in big, bold letters. He entered a code on what appeared to be a keypad on the side of the ship, and the top portion of the spacecraft opened. He entered the ship, pressed a button that caused the open door to close. He fastened his seatbelt, and removed his helmet, revealing his face- he had dark, brown hair, eyes with a jade green color, and pale, white skin. He was rather thin.

After waiting for a few moments in deep thought, wondering about his disappointing mention, he picked up what appeared to be a communication device of some sort- it appeared to be a small, transparent rectangle, that had a microphone and speakers hidden within it. He held it to his mouth, and spoke.

“This is Gerard Wahrheit. There is no important information worthy of recovery here… I am awaiting my next assignment.” He finished speaking, and put the object to his side. He started up his ship, and he began to fly through space, towards his destination…

[Mr Spork]

Certainly an interesting introduction, though a bit brief it's got me wanting the next instalment. A criticism is the use of 'it appeared to be...', given that the character presumably flew his spaceship already and knows it, he would already know that it IS a keypad or that it IS a communication device. 'It appeared to be...' would work better if a character unfamiliar with the technology was about to use it. It's a very minor quibble, but one that just stuck out to me.

Other than that I can't think of anything else, I'll definitely be looking forward to the next instalment!

[Andross]

Originally Posted by Mr Spork

Certainly an interesting introduction, though a bit brief it's got me wanting the next instalment. A criticism is the use of 'it appeared to be...', given that the character presumably flew his spaceship already and knows it, he would already know that it IS a keypad or that it IS a communication device. 'It appeared to be...' would work better if a character unfamiliar with the technology was about to use it. It's a very minor quibble, but one that just stuck out to me.

Other than that I can't think of anything else, I'll definitely be looking forward to the next instalment!

Thanks for the comment. I will either type up the next part tonight or tomorrow afternoon.

[Andross]

Gerard’s mind was consumed by deep thought and curiosity as he soared through the starry seas of space in his spacecraft. Even though he dismissed his latest find as something of little importance, in truth, he had a deep interest in the words that had reached his ears in the wrecked space station.

He had an idea of who that particular voice belonged to- after all, this certainly was not the first time that he had found information about a supposedly “psychotic” criminal. The truth, in his mind, was that the recording originated from a man known as Richard Avion, a man sentenced to death for murdering a top Bvarrae political official.

He pondered over the thought for quite a while, and eventually came to the conclusion that his theory was correct. He convinced himself that Avion, as well as the unusual abandoned Bvarrae stations dotting space, were worthy of further study. He was intent on returning to the Bvarrae Intelligence Research Center, and presenting his theory. His mind was focused on that single prospect, until something caught his eye, and temporarily changed his course of thought.

In the distance, among the stars that dotted the blanket of darkness far from his ship, a peculiar sight could be seen. When examining the tiny white stars, the star, planetoid or other celestial body seemed out of place. It was a small, green light, flickering with greater intensity than the multiple colorless lights scattered across the heavens.

Gerard, while carefully managing to pilot his ship, was fascinated by this unusual heavenly body, for it seemed to trigger a deep emotion of relaxation within his spirit. He began to think of his old home- a small town, next to a large, green forest, on a planet within the Bvarrae System known as Gaia II- and the memories he had as a child, there. He remembered what life was like before he left for the city, to study at his university, and before he became a Bvarrae researcher. This pleasant reminiscence, in his eyes, shortened the long, tedious flight.

After a while, he reached his destination- a large space station, hovering above a small, blue planet- and landed his ship within the station’s docking bay. This station was one of the key Bvarrae Union facilities- BlueView, the Bvarrae Intelligence headquarters.

[Selah]

I must say, the last paragraph of the first installment - Gerard speaking into his communication device - send chills down my spine. Silly, I'm sure, but it reminded me of how The Stars and Their Silence begins: a man who history will remember as an evil person, recording his story. And Gerard, in the silence of his ship, and in the silence of space, seems to be inadvertently emulating this man - recording his story, though it is a story not even he knows, and is at the present moment not even a story, but an update.

But I'm probably drawing parallels and seeing ghosts where neither parallels nor ghosts exist, so do forgive me, =)

Speaking of Gerard - I want to see more of him, get a better sense of his character. There were a few instances in installment(s) one (and two?) that could have been expanded for the sake of character development. Instance #1 occurs when we first meet Gerard, and know him only as the explorer:

With a sigh, the explorer, clad in clothing and gear that covered his whole body, making him an indistinguishable space researcher...

But what kind of clothing and gear makes a person a space researcher indistinguishable, in appearance, from his fellows? I am but a fledgling in this universe, the world sitting in the palm of your hand - I haven't a clue what clothes makes a researcher. Educate me. Give me detail. Paint me a picture. Perhaps you paint Gerard's appearance not as "character standing still and narrator describing", but as "character moving, narrator commenting" - his boots shuffling through the debris; a latch catching the [insert material] of his sleeve; a piece of metal swinging lazily from the ceiling, scraping the cheek of his helmet, making him flinch.

Later on, you describe Gerard's face. While I like "eyes with a jade green color, and pale, white skin", his appearance is still somewhat generic. Expand on the detail - what is the cut and length of his hair? Its texture? Does his eyes hold some expression? Does their jade seem to glint, or lie dull and muddy? Are his eyes wide? Hooded? Does his eyebrows slope gently, or arch, reminiscent of a falcon's sharp look? Is his skin blemished? Smooth?

Even better, ask yourself what you want to tell readers about Gerard - not just his appearance, but his personality. What do you want to say about him? What kind of man is he? What is his personality, his mood, his tastes, his virtues, his sins? Do these personal touches leave marks, or is he as blank and expressionless as an untouched chalkboard? In the last paragraph, I espoused a thorough description of the explorer - a passable approach, but no where near as powerful as showing readers one or two particular traits in Gerard's appearance, traits that characterize him as an individual, traits that give readers a glimpse into him as a character.

My last point comes from your second post:

He pondered over the thought for quite a while, and eventually came to the conclusion that his theory was correct. He convinced himself that Avion, as well as the unusual abandoned Bvarrae stations dotting space, were worthy of further study.

Now, it may be your object to reveal Gerard's theories later on, and the reason why you only divulge, in this passage, the conclusions to which Gerard comes. But if this wasn't your goal, I would suggest expanding this passage by revealing Gerard's theories here and now. Why does Gerard believe his speculations to be correct? Why does he convince himself that the abandoned stations may have more to yield unto his research? The passage feels lacking - readers are told that Gerard has come to his conclusions, but we aren't shown his reasons for developing those conclusions. Such revelation would strengthen Gerard as a character.

My favourite part of this story, so far, is the recording. It was an excellent starting point, eerie, and I hope to see more of it.

Until then!
Selah

[Andross]

Originally Posted by Selah

I must say, the last paragraph of the first installment - Gerard speaking into his communication device - send chills down my spine. Silly, I'm sure, but it reminded me of how The Stars and Their Silence begins: a man who history will remember as an evil person, recording his story. And Gerard, in the silence of his ship, and in the silence of space, seems to be inadvertently emulating this man - recording his story, though it is a story not even he knows, and is at the present moment not even a story, but an update.

But I'm probably drawing parallels and seeing ghosts where neither parallels nor ghosts exist, so do forgive me, =)

Speaking of Gerard - I want to see more of him, get a better sense of his character. There were a few instances in installment(s) one (and two?) that could have been expanded for the sake of character development. Instance #1 occurs when we first meet Gerard, and know him only as the explorer:



But what kind of clothing and gear makes a person a space researcher indistinguishable, in appearance, from his fellows? I am but a fledgling in this universe, the world sitting in the palm of your hand - I haven't a clue what clothes makes a researcher. Educate me. Give me detail. Paint me a picture. Perhaps you paint Gerard's appearance not as "character standing still and narrator describing", but as "character moving, narrator commenting" - his boots shuffling through the debris; a latch catching the [insert material] of his sleeve; a piece of metal swinging lazily from the ceiling, scraping the cheek of his helmet, making him flinch.

Later on, you describe Gerard's face. While I like "eyes with a jade green color, and pale, white skin", his appearance is still somewhat generic. Expand on the detail - what is the cut and length of his hair? Its texture? Does his eyes hold some expression? Does their jade seem to glint, or lie dull and muddy? Are his eyes wide? Hooded? Does his eyebrows slope gently, or arch, reminiscent of a falcon's sharp look? Is his skin blemished? Smooth?

Even better, ask yourself what you want to tell readers about Gerard - not just his appearance, but his personality. What do you want to say about him? What kind of man is he? What is his personality, his mood, his tastes, his virtues, his sins? Do these personal touches leave marks, or is he as blank and expressionless as an untouched chalkboard? In the last paragraph, I espoused a thorough description of the explorer - a passable approach, but no where near as powerful as showing readers one or two particular traits in Gerard's appearance, traits that characterize him as an individual, traits that give readers a glimpse into him as a character.

My last point comes from your second post:



Now, it may be your object to reveal Gerard's theories later on, and the reason why you only divulge, in this passage, the conclusions to which Gerard comes. But if this wasn't your goal, I would suggest expanding this passage by revealing Gerard's theories here and now. Why does Gerard believe his speculations to be correct? Why does he convince himself that the abandoned stations may have more to yield unto his research? The passage feels lacking - readers are told that Gerard has come to his conclusions, but we aren't shown his reasons for developing those conclusions. Such revelation would strengthen Gerard as a character.

My favourite part of this story, so far, is the recording. It was an excellent starting point, eerie, and I hope to see more of it.

Until then!
Selah

Thanks for the comment. I'll make changes to the previous two parts, and put the third up this weekend (If I have the time.)